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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25452265">LUCKY</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluedelilah/pseuds/bluedelilah'>bluedelilah</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Sugar Daddy, Anxiety Attacks, Bondage, Complicated Emotions, Crying, Crying During Sex, Daddy Kink, Dom!Kylo, Edging, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Inappropriate Use of Water Pressure, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Makeup Sex, Minor Original Character(s), Mirror Sex, Office Sex, Oral Sex, Poe Dameron is also a sugar daddy, Reader is still honest and spicy though, Rey is a lesbian, Semi-Public Sex, She has a cute gf, Shower Sex, Sleepy Sex, Slow Burn, Sugar Daddy, Threesome, Threesome - F/F/M, Vaginal Fingering, blindfolded sex, businessman kylo, change of scenery, reader has anxiety, rich kylo, sex in front of a mirror, shy reader, so much crying...so much, sub!Reader, talk of wealth and money, thigh riding</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:42:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>179,123</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25452265</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluedelilah/pseuds/bluedelilah</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren was not the sugar daddy you were expecting. Young, handsome and incredibly wealthy, he was a god in a neatly pressed suit. Though he was charming at times, there was something dark within him, a chilling corruptness that haunted his hazel eyes. The line between business and relationship became blurry with every touch and every expensive gift. You felt lucky to have him, and yet you weren't sure how to know it was real.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kylo Ren/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>377</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>856</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. May I Cut In?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A COUPLE WARNINGS/DISCLAIMERS<br/>This is a smut heavy book. There is smut literally every other chapter. But there is also fluff in between. I'd say it's an even balance.<br/>Kylo is more distant and unemotionally available than he is abusive or aggressive. That's just how I chose to write him.<br/>I write my chapters on Wattpad and then upload them here. The text messages aren't italicized because of this, so sorry if that get's confusing. My Wattpad is also bluedelilah, if you'd rather read the story there. Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The bar was quieter than you expected.</p><p> </p><p>Usually on a Saturday night you found yourself at clubs with blaring music and young, sweaty bodies pressed against each other. Ivy would be by your side, both of you buzzed and searching for decent looking guys to spend the night with.</p><p> </p><p>So walking into a classy bar filled with people twice your age, all in business attire, was a stark contrast to your regular routine. The only thing that remained the same was Ivy's presence next to you. The middle aged man hooked around her arm, however, was a unfamiliar addition.</p><p> </p><p>Ivy slipped her fingers through yours, dragging you along as the man led you to a booth on the side of the room.</p><p> </p><p>The bar itself was a satisfying mix of modern and rustic, with black furniture and brick walls. The lighting was dim and it didn't reek of sweat like your normal spots did.</p><p> </p><p>You slid into the booth watching as Ivy sat closely to Poe, her shoulder leaning against his.</p><p> </p><p>Poe seemed nice enough. He was hot, you couldn't deny, with his salt and pepper hair and four o'clock shadow. Not to mention, the navy suit that hugged his figure and screamed wealth. Besides, he was generous enough to invite you, nonetheless help you make an arrangement.</p><p> </p><p>"I feel overdressed," you mumbled to no one in particular.</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes scanned the room, finding that most of the women were wearing pencil skirts or blazers.</p><p> </p><p>Poe raked his eyes over the silk, cream colored dress that hugged your skin.</p><p> </p><p>"It's a fundraiser. Everyone else is here for business," he said.</p><p> </p><p>"So am I."</p><p> </p><p>Poe licked his lips and glanced down at Ivy.</p><p> </p><p>"Your kind of business requires a different dress code."</p><p> </p><p>He wasn't necessarily wrong. Searching for a sugar daddy called for something more enticing than a pantsuit.</p><p> </p><p>"Do I just sit here?" You tapped your fingers against the table, the swarm of butterflies in your stomach multiplying.</p><p> </p><p>Poe chuckled. "No, I told them they would find you at the bar."</p><p> </p><p>"How many are there exactly?"</p><p> </p><p>He dragged his fingers up Ivy's arm and you watched as she shivered under his touch. Jesus. Couldn't they spare the public displays for just a minute, especially when you already felt like puking.</p><p> </p><p>"Only a few. All you have to do is meet them. You can commit to as many or as few as you wish."</p><p> </p><p>Ivy placed her hand on your thigh and gave you a warm smile. "You look so nervous. Remember this whole thing is in your control. You're the one offering them a service."</p><p> </p><p>You glanced at Poe. It was weird for her to talk about it in such a occupational sense, when her own provider was sitting right next to her. Yet Poe seemed unbothered, his eyes examining the room.</p><p> </p><p>"I guess I'll go then."</p><p> </p><p>Ivy reassured you with a nod, and Poe only offered a bored stare. The clicking of your heels was drowned out by the sound of conversation bouncing through the room, but you could still hear your heartbeat rushing through your ears. The bar was only half full, leaving plenty of chairs open. You chose a seat in the middle of the row, with an empty seat next to you, the perfect spot to be noticed.</p><p> </p><p>"What will it be?" the girl behind the bar asked.</p><p> </p><p>"Um," you glanced around, checking to see if anyone was watching you. "I just need a shot. Tequila, I guess."</p><p>"ID?"</p><p>You frowned. The muscly man at the entrance had already asked to see it, which meant if you were already in the bar you should be able to drink. You couldn't exactly blame her though. You weren't actually 21 anyways. Popping the back of your phone case off, you snatched the plastic card from it and handed it to her. She examined the fake and glanced at your face, before handing it back silently.</p><p> </p><p>You watched as she poured the shot and set it in front of you.</p><p> </p><p>Ivy had given you that fake for your birthday a few months ago, but technically the money that bought it was Poe's. Thank you, Poe, you fucker, you thought to yourself as you poured the alcohol down your throat.</p><p> </p><p>Seconds later, a figure sat in the seat next to you and you played with the glass between your fingers, pretending not to notice.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, there."</p><p> </p><p>You lifted your eyes lazily. It was an older gentleman with graying hair and a beer belly that peeked through his suit jacket. He was not particularly attractive, not revolting either, but the watch on his wrist made you smile sweetly.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi."</p><p> </p><p>"Are you a friend of Poe's?" Translation: Are you the one searching for an arrangement?</p><p> </p><p>You leaned your arm against the counter and turned your body towards him.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, I am."</p><p> </p><p>He introduced himself as Arthur which felt appropriate for his age. You gave him your own name, and he reached out to shake your hand. Accepting the gesture, you chuckled softly.</p><p> </p><p>"You work with Poe?"</p><p> </p><p>He adjusted the tie at his neck. "Yes, he's been my boss for a couple years now."</p><p> </p><p>Well, grandpa, you just ruined it for yourself. Poe was pretty wealthy, but you knew he wasn't the highest up, which means you wouldn't waste time with trout when you knew there were sharks around.</p><p> </p><p>"Ah, I see. I'm sure he's a pain in the ass," you shifted your body toward the bar and lost the extra sweet tinge in your voice. Hopefully he would get the message.</p><p> </p><p>He laughed loudly. "Yes, yes, he is." His laughter turned into a wheeze and you cringed, pressing your lips together.</p><p> </p><p>The old geezer pressed on despite the obvious rejection of your body language. He made pointless conversation, rambling on about his work and his dull personal life. By the second golf story, you wanted to not-so-kindly ask him to piss off. You were restless in your seat, shifting your feet and glancing around the room. You looked over your shoulder to the booth where you had left Ivy, hoping for some rescue, but she was gone.</p><p> </p><p>"May I cut in?"</p><p> </p><p>You whipped your head around to find the source of the new voice. Your nerves tingled at the sight of the stranger. He was younger than you expected, and, fuck, he was certainly more attractive. He had high cheekbones accompanied by a strong nose, and his eyes were dangerously captivating, a deep hazel in the dark light. His hair, dark and long, brushed against the top of his collar in perfect pushed back waves. A black suit jacket framed his wide shoulders, buttoned around his waist, and the top buttons of his white dress shirt were undone. The face of his Rolex glanced at you and your tongue went dry. There was no way that watch cost less than 10k.</p><p> </p><p>Before the dinosaur next to you could even open his mouth you answered. "Of course."</p><p> </p><p>The old man sighed and pulled a paper card from his pocket, placing it on the counter in front of you. You didn't bother to pick it up. The stranger took his seat with his body facing fully towards you, and you matched his posture, leaning forward slightly. You reached your hand out and gave him your name.</p><p> </p><p>His hand practically swallowed yours, your fingers appearing miniature in comparison to his.</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo Ren."</p><p> </p><p>You couldn't help but smile. At his hands, at his name, at his face or money? You weren't sure, but your body was buzzing.</p><p> </p><p>"Lovely name."</p><p> </p><p>He smirked. "Can I buy you a drink?"</p><p> </p><p>You smoothed a hand over your lap, straightening the fabric. "Yes, thank you."</p><p> </p><p>He lifted his hand and the bartender walked over.</p><p> </p><p>"Old fashioned," he said, his voice deep and arrogant. She nodded and then looked to you expectantly.</p><p> </p><p>"Grey Goose martini, stirred, with a twist. Thanks."</p><p> </p><p>The girl's eyes lingered on Kylo, shamelessly looking him up and down, before turning away.</p><p> </p><p>"She liked you," you said once she was out of earshot, hoping to stroke his ego.</p><p> </p><p>"Hm." His eyes stayed on you, his stare intimidating and overwhelming.</p><p> </p><p>You cleared your throat. "You work with Poe?"</p><p> </p><p>"He works for me, yes."</p><p> </p><p>His reply was like music to your ears. If he wasn't so well off and good looking, you would be annoyed by his cockiness. With that face and that watch though, maybe he had the right to be a bit of a prick.</p><p> </p><p>"You seem young to be in such a high position," you observed.</p><p> </p><p>"I work hard." He looked amused.</p><p> </p><p>"I bet." A moment of silent tension passed between you, his eye contact burning through you and igniting your chest. To be honest, you'd fuck him for free.</p><p> </p><p>The bartender interrupted your moment by setting your drinks in front of you. You thanked her and took a sip, eyes still glued to Kylo. You watched his Adam's apple bob as he drank and his lips as they touched the glass. Jesus. Your mind wandered into unspeakable places, the thought of those lips against your-</p><p> </p><p>"What do you do? Well, other than this." A shiver ran through your spine.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm, uh, in between things right now. I was working as a waitress before but I quit." That was a lie, and not even a discrete one. You were definitely fired. That was the only reason you were here in the first place. Your boss let you go without much of an explanation, and after a week of searching for a new job, you gave up and let Ivy convince you to give this a try.</p><p> </p><p>"Where?"</p><p> </p><p>You gave him a shy smile. "Cloud Nine."</p><p> </p><p>He smirked. "The gentleman's club?" You nodded. "I've been there."</p><p> </p><p>"Recently?"</p><p> </p><p>"Only a few months ago."</p><p> </p><p>You took another sip and licked your lips. "Maybe we've already met then."</p><p> </p><p>He shook his head, his eyes smug. "I would've remembered you."</p><p> </p><p>You smiled widely, flattered. Shit. This wasn't how you wanted this to go. You were expecting a middle aged man with a bit of a gut and the personality of an oyster. Maybe throw in a couple kids that he barely sees and a drinking problem. Now you had a young god who, although seemingly egotistic, didn't mind throwing a compliment your way, and also looked very enticing in his ridiculously expensive suit. Nothing could ever be easy. Actually it seemed that this would be too easy. The fact that you wouldn't mind dragging him into the bathroom and letting him fuck you senseless right now was a glaringly bright red flag.</p><p> </p><p>I'm in control of this. I am fucking in control of this, you reminded yourself of Ivy's words.</p><p> </p><p>"Have you done this sort of thing a lot?" You weren't sure what answer you wanted but you needed to know what you were getting into.</p><p> </p><p>"Only a few times, you?" He ran his thumb over the rim of his glass.</p><p> </p><p>"Uh," you watched his movement and gulped. "This would be my first actually."</p><p> </p><p>"Wow, a newbie. That sounds fun."</p><p> </p><p>If your cheeks had been pink before, they were on fire now. You shifted in your seat and gulped down the last of your martini.</p><p> </p><p>"I'd like to think so."</p><p> </p><p>He waved his hand at the bartender and she rushed over. You wanted to roll your eyes at her eagerness.</p><p> </p><p>"Another martini for her."</p><p> </p><p>You opened your mouth to object but he beat you to it.</p><p> </p><p>"I've got to go talk business with some people." He stood up. "I'll find you later." And with that he was gone.</p><p> </p><p>You scanned the room for Ivy and found her standing in front of a booth, arm hooked around Poe's, looking deeply bored. You tried to catch her eye while you waited for your drink, but it was to no avail. Finally, the bartender brought your martini, looking disappointed that Kylo was no longer there. You made your way across the room and walked past Ivy, brushing her back with your hand. She glanced back, smiling when she realized it was only you, and mumbled something in Poe's ear before excusing herself from the table.</p><p> </p><p>"How'd it go?" she questioned, reaching for your glass and taking a long sip.</p><p> </p><p>"Kind of perfect." She pushed the glass towards you, but you shooed it away. "Have the rest."</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks, I can't do this shit sober it's so boring. Anyways, you found someone?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah. Um, his name is Kylo Ren. He said he worked above Poe?"</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo Ren? Fuck, babe, yeah that's Poe's boss. Poe talks a lot of shit about him. Not a nice guy."</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged, combing your fingers through the ends of your hair. "He's kind of hot though, and he didn't seem bad, arrogant as hell, sure, but not bad." Ivy squinted her eyes at you. "He's really rich. That's all that matters."</p><p> </p><p>"He's a prick."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't mind."</p><p> </p><p>Ivy downed the last of your martini and started to object. "What if he really is-"</p><p> </p><p>Poe appeared at her side, sliding his hand onto her lower back. "What are you girls talking about?"</p><p> </p><p>"Why would you try to set her up with Kylo Ren? I thought you hated him?" Ivy's frustration was clear in her voice.</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo talked to you?" Poe said, ignoring Ivy's questions, his gaze focused on you.</p><p> </p><p>You nodded.</p><p> </p><p>He rubbed his hand against the stubble on his jaw. "Wow, I mean I told him about you, but I didn't think he'd bite, since it's your first time and all."</p><p> </p><p>"You told him it was my first time?"</p><p> </p><p>Poe only responded with an "Mhmm," already starting to lose interest in the conversation.</p><p> </p><p>Now you wished you hadn't let Ivy down your martini. You needed it more than she did. Poe started whispering something into Ivy's hair, and you let your eyes wander the room, flickering across the numerous groups of people having business official, certainly dull, conversations. It only took you a moment to find Kylo with his hands in his pockets, radiating authority as he spoke to an older woman, her bun bobbing as she nodded at him too eagerly. You watched him as he spoke, the way his jaw moved with each word and the periodic rising of his chest as he sucked in air between sentences. He looked so serious, his brow faintly turned downward. His lips pursed as she started her reply with her one hand gripping an ugly leather hand bag, the other waving in the air in front of her. You could practically hear him sigh as he removed a hand from his pocket to run through his hair. As if he sensed you watching, his eyes glimpsed at your spot across the room. His hand froze, still tangled in his hair and he furrowed his brow smugly, before returning his attention to the short woman rambling at him. You whipped your head to stare at the floor and flames licked at your face.</p><p> </p><p>"Poe, you didn't answer me. I thought you said Kylo was cruel." Ivy said, pulling you out of your humiliation.</p><p> </p><p>"He is when it comes to business. He'll do anything to get ahead, and he has very high expectations. One wrong move and he'll chew you out, that's for sure. Everyone's pretty scared of him, but he can still be polite, sometimes he's almost pleasant, even. I mean he's just a competitive person."</p><p> </p><p>Lips pouted in concern, Ivy ran her palm over his chest. "So we shouldn't let my best friend have... relations with him."</p><p> </p><p>A glance at Kylo showed him still speaking with the woman, his eyes squinted in annoyance. Poe followed your line of sight, considering Ivy's statement. "He may be an absolute dick, but I wouldn't have mentioned you to him if I thought he would hurt you."</p><p> </p><p>"I know. I talked to him and he was perfectly agreeable. I'm not the one who's worried." You shot a glare at Ivy's sour expression.</p><p> </p><p>Ivy rolled her eyes and mumbled a surrender, dropping the subject. Poe pointed out a few of his coworkers, mostly ones he hated. Laughter rose from your throat as he described ridiculous happenstances about his least favorite employees. You spoke in hushed tones, enjoying stories about humiliation, thankful that they weren't your own. In the middle of a giggle, you noticed Ivy's laughter halt and Poe's voice faded, an unfinished sentence hanging in the air. Ivy's eyes glided over yours and to the space behind you, making you turn to follow them. Kylo was stepping forward, invading the small circle you three had unconsciously formed.</p><p> </p><p>"Dameron." Kylo greeted, outstretching his hand.</p><p> </p><p>"Ren." Poe shook his hand with a phony grin. "This is Ivy." Ivy's posture had changed abruptly, the restful bend of her shoulders now taut, her jaw set. She didn't trust him, and yet she didn't even know him. She pushed her long black hair behind her shoulder and nodded, offering Kylo a handshake.</p><p> </p><p>"And I've already met this one," he said and glimpsed at you. You gave him a small smile, suddenly feeling insecure. Kylo shifted his attention back to Poe, who was looking gradually more nervous. "Come by my office on Monday and we'll go over the proposal."</p><p> </p><p>"Alright. You're leaving already, Ren?" Poe asked.</p><p> </p><p>"I've got things to tend to." He shifted his posture so he was facing you. "Let me give you a ride."</p><p> </p><p>You didn't even bother to look at Ivy, already positive she was glaring at you. "Okay."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>The cool night air nipped at your face and brought goosebumps to the surface of your exposed legs. The silence of the parking lot was relieving after the low rumblings of conversation in the bar, and the sight of Kylo in front of you taking long strides across the pavement made your stomach swim. A reserved beep and flash of lights forced your eyes away from the expanse of his shoulders to a black car parked at the end of the lot. You squinted against the headlights and slowed your steps. It was a Porsche. Of course he would drive a fucking Porsche. Heels clicking against the cement, you approached the passenger door and pulled it open slowly as if any sudden movement might inflict damage upon its perfectly polished exterior.</p><p> </p><p>"I've never been in a Porsche," you stated while surveying the leather surfaces and closing the door softly. The seats and console were a deep maroon, which you assumed was a personal modification.</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm."</p><p> </p><p>"It's really nice."</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you," he said gruffly. It was strange. Though he wasn't shy to brag, the man with lavish belongings didn't seem to accept compliments easily. Perhaps, he was so accustomed to them, he no longer felt the need to react.</p><p> </p><p>He moved the gear shift, and you're nerves were on high alert, extremely aware of how close his hand was to your leg. Kylo whipped out of the parking lot, one hand gripping the top of the steering wheel, his jaw set and his eyes focused forward. You told him where you lived and he only nodded at your instructions. The Prius hummed as it shot through the mostly deserted streets, and you tried to seem relaxed despite the anxiety that Kylo's reckless driving was yanking into your chest.</p><p> </p><p>"How long have you worked for CorTech?" You didn't know much about the company, other than it's name and it's apparently plentiful source of lonely rich men.</p><p> </p><p>"I started right out of college. I've known Snoke, the president, since I was young and he gave me a job as soon as I graduated." His eyes never left the road and his answer seemed stiff, as if he felt reluctant to share his personal information. You wondered if you'd have to get used to droning on about yourself to fill the spaces of his silence.</p><p> </p><p>"Where'd you go for school?"</p><p> </p><p>"Harvard."</p><p> </p><p>"You went to Harvard?"</p><p> </p><p>He nodded and finally glanced at you, your eyebrows raised in high praise. "That's very impressive. So you've always been in Boston, then?"</p><p> </p><p>"No. Only since college."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh. I've only been here a couple years." He hadn't asked, but you figured he never would.</p><p> </p><p>"Where were you before?"</p><p> </p><p>You smiled softly at his efforts for conversation and watched his face as he turned through the narrow roads. "I've always moved around quite a bit, but I was in Virginia before I came here."</p><p> </p><p>"Why did you leave?"</p><p> </p><p>You leaned your head against the back of the seat and watched the streetlights flash by your window, leaving whitish dots hovering in your vision. "Just to escape. I guess."</p><p> </p><p>He didn't say anything at that and you were worried you had said too much, been too serious. Of course he didn't want you to babble about the issues of your past. You were here to entertain, to provide comfortable company.</p><p> </p><p>Silence filled the car, heavy but not uncomfortable. You scraped your teeth across your bottom lip and tried to think of something to say.</p><p> </p><p>"When did you graduate?" you broke the solitude. The Porsche came to rest at a stop light, and he turned his head to observe you. Much to your surprise, he laughed, low and amused.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you trying to ask me how old I am?"</p><p> </p><p>You laughed too now, your chest vibrating with soft breaths. "Kind of."</p><p> </p><p>He let a beat pass, dangling his answer at the edge of your curiosity.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm 31."</p><p> </p><p>"You're younger than I realized."</p><p> </p><p>The light turned green and the car rumbled as it accelerated.</p><p> </p><p>"I look older than that?"</p><p> </p><p>You shook your head dramatically. "No, no. I think the success just made me consciously add a few years." Your attempt at flattery seemed to bounce off of him and now lied useless on the carpeted floor. If he found any satisfaction from it, his still demeanor did not reflect it.</p><p> </p><p>The last few minutes of the ride were silent. You wanted to say something, any attempt to make him like you, but you came up short. Besides, you felt your luck may have already expired. You couldn't imagine what a girl would need to do to be favored by him.</p><p> </p><p>By the time the car stopped in front of your shitty apartment building, you felt almost eager to get out. You did not enjoy the pressure that accompanied a conversation with Kylo Ren.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you for the ride. That was very generous." You opened the door and slid out onto your tired feet. You were fully prepared to walk inside and beat yourself up until Ivy got home to comfort you, but Kylo stopped you by calling your name. He reached across the seat and held out his hand, a shiny black business tucked between his fingers.</p><p> </p><p>"If you're interested give me a call."</p><p> </p><p>You were unable to find a reply within your muddled thoughts, so you nodded and shut the door, allowing him to speed off, leaving your jaw hanging and your mind whirling.</p><p> </p><p>You were certainly going to call.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Devotion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Can you not chew so loudly?"</p><p> </p><p>Ivy rolled her eyes and leaned against your headboard, a bag of Cheetos in her lap. </p><p> </p><p>"You're so fucking grumpy today." </p><p> </p><p>You stood in front of your closet, ruffling through the hangers and the loose clothes piled on the floor. </p><p> </p><p>"Well I'm nervous and you're supposed to be helping me."</p><p> </p><p>The morning after the fundraiser you had been fully prepared to call Kylo first thing, but Ivy had convinced you to wait a couple of days so that he would think he had competition. You didn't see how that would do you any good, considering he already knew it was your first time, but you followed her suggestion anyway and waited two days. This morning you rung him, pacing around the apartment like a mad man, and to both your relief and annoyance, you were met with the voice of his assistant, apparently named Katrina. She assured you that she would let "Mr. Ren" know you called and you could expect a text from him soon. A couple of hours ago, you learned that Kylo Ren was indeed a man of his word. </p><p> </p><p>His text read:</p><p>
  <em>Come over at 8. </em>
</p><p>And a second text contained his address. </p><p> </p><p>Not exactly a romantic, but typing his address into google made you forgot about his bluntness. He really was fucking rich.</p><p> </p><p>Ivy slid out of your bed and stood next to you, staring at your options. </p><p> </p><p>"You need new clothes."</p><p> </p><p>"No shit," you sighed. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sure Kylo will take care of that soon. You can borrow something from me tonight." </p><p> </p><p>"More like something from Poe."</p><p> </p><p>She beamed. "Exactly."</p><p> </p><p>An hour later, thanks to Ivy, you were ready. You stood in front of her full length mirror, twisting your hips to glance at your butt. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you sure I shouldn't be wearing something nicer."</p><p> </p><p>Your smoothed your hands over the black mini skirt resting against your hips. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sure. You're just going to his place." You glanced at her in the reflection. "You look hot."</p><p> </p><p>Honestly, you had to agree with her. You did look hot. You had a salmon lacy camisole tucked into the skirt and black heeled booties on your feet. Ivy had even helped you make loose curls in your hair. </p><p> </p><p>"What's gonna happen tonight?"</p><p> </p><p>Ivy shrugged. "He'll tell you what he expects from you and what you can expect from him. He might want to have sex, but I don't know. Just depends." </p><p> </p><p>That thought made your skin warm. You pressed your lips together to hide the smile that pulled at your mouth.</p><p> </p><p>"What?" Ivy cocked her heavily painted brow.</p><p> </p><p>You bit your lip and turned to her. "I don't know. He's hot. That's all." </p><p> </p><p>"For fuck's sake. Control yourself. You should probably go soon." She glanced at her phone. "Oh shit, yeah you should go right now."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>You had underestimated how long it would take to get to the Kylo's building. You had jogged through the intersections and tapped your foot impatiently in the elevator. By the time, you knocked on his cherry wood door, you were overheated and ten minutes late. </p><p> </p><p>The door opened before you had a chance to catch your breath or register what you were doing. Kylo stood in front of you, gorgeous as ever, wearing a gray suit, tieless yet again. Your chest fluttered at the sight of him. Just as godly as you remembered with his strong features and silky hair. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry I'm late." </p><p> </p><p>He stepped aside, letting you enter the dimly lit space. It wasn't until now that you noticed how ridiculously tall he was. He was practically towering over you, his shoulders wide and intimidating. Power seemed to roll off of him in waves, and you were just standing on the shore, hoping one wouldn't knock you over. Not that you would mind. </p><p> </p><p>You shifted your feet. "I missed my train."</p><p> </p><p>He frowned and shut the door behind you. "You took the subway?"</p><p> </p><p>"I don't have a car." Slightly embarrassed, you turned away from him to look at the room you were in. The apartment was easily twice as large as yours, if not more, but the size of the space seemed irrelevant when all you could look at were the windows. They covered two walls, floor to ceiling, allowing a bird's eye view of the downtown lights. The walls were a light gray, and the floor a dark wood. With black furniture and glass details, the entire place oozed modernism and darkness. </p><p> </p><p>"You like it?" </p><p> </p><p>He was watching you intently. "It makes my apartment look like a storage closet." He didn't return your smile. "It's stunning."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded slowly, like he already knew this. "Have a look around."</p><p> </p><p>"Anywhere?"</p><p> </p><p>He hummed a yes and crossed the room to sit on the black couch, leaning forward so that his elbows rested against his knees. </p><p> </p><p>You took a moment to notice the details of the room. The ceilings were high and a black chandelier hung from the center. There was a massive black and white painting on one wall, abstract shapes of paint splattered across it. You could only imagine how much it had cost. Though the decorations were few, you could tell they were intentional and expensive. The kitchen was oversized, with black cabinets and counters, and you tried to imagine Kylo cooking in it. An apron around his waist and a towel slung over his shoulder. It was a nice thought, but the idea Kylo participating in something so mundane, so average, seemed impossible. You stepped further into the room and spotted a few closed doors. You moved towards the closest one and stopped to glance at Kylo. He was still watching you, but he didn't move. </p><p> </p><p>You reached for the handle slowly, allowing him the chance to stop you. </p><p> </p><p>The room was dim, with maroon walls and black tiled floors. There was a large black desk in the middle accompanied by a high backed chair. Shelves lined the back wall, filled with books and an assortment of random items, picture frames and candles and such. It smelled like books. You shut the door, and moved to the next one. You glanced at him again seeking permission to open it. This time he nodded. </p><p> </p><p>The room was so dark, it took a moment for your eyes to process the image in front of you. It was his bedroom. The walls were black, including the high ceiling, and the floors were the same dark wood. A king sized bed was propped against the center of the wall, a glass nightstand on either side. You wandered forward, the heels of your boots clicking against the wood, and ran your fingers across the silk bed spread. A shiver ran down your spine at the realization that you would be spending a lot of time in this bed. With him. </p><p> </p><p>You heard movement and turned to find Kylo in the kitchen, a wine bottle in his hands. You shut the bedroom door and joined him, anticipation pumping through your veins.</p><p> </p><p>"You really like black," you commented, leaning your hip against the counter. </p><p> </p><p>He chuckled lowly and started pouring the wine into two glasses. His massive hands made the bottle look like a toy. You watched the way his fingers moved, the tendons flexing underneath his skin. On his middle finger was a metal black ring with a red line cutting through the center. </p><p> </p><p>"I guess so." Kylo reached a glass out to you and you accepted it, bringing it to your lips. </p><p> </p><p>"I like your room."</p><p> </p><p>"Good," he said, a glint of something strange is his tone. "Come."</p><p> </p><p>You followed him across the room to one of the glass walls, where he pulled opened a large sliding door. The deck was almost the size of the living room. The banister running along the edge was made of glass and the floor was a gray tile. The most striking feature was the  glimmering pool planted in the middle of the area. All together, the sight of the blue water and  city lights together, made you pause to stare. Kylo walked forward until he was at the edge of the balcony. He looked back at you and you snapped out of your trance, cheeks glowing, and joined him. </p><p> </p><p>"This is," you paused and leaned against the top of the railing, "incredible."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded, once again indifferent to your praise. </p><p> </p><p>"You don't care for compliments," you pointed out quietly, almost hoping he wouldn't hear you. From the corner of your eye, you knew he was looking at you but you kept your gaze fixed on the twinkling skyline. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't care for empty ones."</p><p> </p><p>You frowned and straightened your spine, pulling the wine glass towards your chest. "Mine aren't empty."</p><p> </p><p>"Your friend, Ivy, told you that you should stroke my ego, did she not?" </p><p> </p><p>You shrugged. "That doesn't mean anything."</p><p> </p><p>He took a sip from his glass and eyed you with a dark curiosity. "I don't want you to humor me with compliments." He tapped his fingers against the side of his glass and scanned his gaze over your body. "If anything I'd enjoy being challenged." </p><p> </p><p>His intimidation tempted you to look away, but you stayed focused, peering into his hazel eyes. "Good to know," you answered.</p><p> </p><p>There was a beat of silence. </p><p> </p><p>"How exactly does this work?" Fully aware of the stupidity of the question, you turned away from him, leaning your back against the railing to stare at the still pool water. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll tell you when to come over and you will. Sometimes we'll go places, sometimes we'll stay here." You gulped, knowing what <em>staying here</em> really meant. "And then you'll tell me what you want and it's yours."</p><p> </p><p>The cool night air tickled at your legs and you pressed them together. "It's that simple?"</p><p> </p><p>"Not always." He walked along the glass banister until he reached the black outdoor sofa. He unbuttoned his suit jacket and sat down, his eyes watching you expectantly. </p><p> </p><p>You followed and relaxed against the back of the sofa, your hips angled towards him. </p><p> </p><p>"Does it bother you that I haven't done this before?" </p><p> </p><p>"No." Kylo said without hesitation. "I prefer it."</p><p> </p><p>"Why?" </p><p> </p><p>The glow of the blue pool light was painted against his face, the shadow of his eyelashes splashed against his eyelids. His skin looked like it was glowing and you wanted to run your fingers against it, feel his assortment of freckles and the curve of his cheekbones.</p><p> </p><p>"I like that it's new to you. You won't be complacent."</p><p> </p><p>"The other's were like that?" You scooted closer to him, allowing your leg to rest against his. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes. They didn't bother to really try."</p><p> </p><p>You frowned a little and took a large gulp of wine. "What exactly should I be 'really trying' at?"</p><p> </p><p>"Pretending you're here for more than a check." </p><p> </p><p>You rolled his words around in your mind. Ivy had been doing this for almost a year, but you had never considered it for yourself until recently. You had the excuse of being desperate for money, but deep down there was something else. You were here to provide him with sex, yes, but also company, someone to fill the void of companionship. Maybe, you needed that too in a way. And some new shoes wouldn't hurt. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't feel like I'm just here for that."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm." </p><p> </p><p>He shifted towards you slightly and placed his hand against your thigh, his thumb rubbing against your skin. His gentle touch sent tingles through your legs and you smiled shyly. </p><p> </p><p>"What do you want?" he asked, his tone empty despite the intensity of the question. </p><p> </p><p>"Like, um, right now?"</p><p> </p><p>"No. In life. For yourself."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." Your eyebrows drew together and you sighed. "That's a big question." You stared at his hand rested against your thigh and the goosebumps that lined the skin. "I don't really have that many goals, I guess. I like to write though, so maybe I want people to read my writings."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo's gaze remained on your face, waiting for you to elaborate. </p><p> </p><p>"It doesn't have to be a lot of people. I just like the idea that someone would trust my words with their time, and volunteer to let me make them feel something-- good or bad-- which they have no control over. It's nice." </p><p> </p><p>Kylo moved to stare at the pool and your confidence plummeted. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble." You leaned into the couch cushion, hoping it would swallow you whole. </p><p> </p><p>"You're a writer?" he asked, ignoring your apology.</p><p> </p><p>"No. I just like to write."</p><p> </p><p>"Then you're a writer."</p><p> </p><p>Shrugging, you finished the last of your wine and set it on the small table beside you.</p><p> </p><p>"You won't get anywhere in your life if you aren't confident in what you want," he said seriously. </p><p> </p><p>"And what do you want?"</p><p> </p><p>"I already have everything I want." </p><p> </p><p>You didn't believe him. His arrogance was blatant but not totally convincing, at least to you. </p><p> </p><p>"Then you're lucky." </p><p> </p><p>The topic had deflated your mood or maybe that was just the wine. Either way you felt very mellow staring at the blue water wondering what things in life you had let escape you because of fear. Kylo's hand brushed higher up your leg, his thumb rubbing circles just below the hem of your skirt. You closed your eyes, trying to rid yourself of the hopeless thoughts he had so ungraciously poured into your mind. You sighed and repositioned yourself to lean against the front of his shoulder, your head resting against his collarbone.  </p><p> </p><p>Seconds passed and the dull roar of traffic echoed through the balcony. It felt nice to be pressed against someone, to feel the warmth of his chest grazing your back. </p><p> </p><p>"And what do you want right now?" you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo lifted his hand, leaving your leg cold where he touched it, and pushed a finger against your jaw, forcing you to look up at him. </p><p> </p><p>His lips were warm and soft. He kept his hand pressed against your jaw as his lips swallowed yours with slow hunger. Warmth invaded your skin, slithering across your legs and over your cheeks, and you leaned into him, aching for contact. He tasted like mint and money. You laid a hand against his neck and felt his pulse thumping against your fingertips. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't think it would feel like this -- so fervent and easy. When you let Ivy convince you of this, you fully expected to be with someone mildly tolerable that would require you to embellish your attraction. This didn't feel like embellishing. Even now, you could feel yourself getting wet and breathing heavily with desperation. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo slipped his tongue into your mouth and you whined in response. His hand slid down your neck and brushed the sides of your waist softly, before his fingers dug into the flesh of your bare thigh, tugging it towards himself. You smirked into the kiss, understanding his gesture, and rolled into your side, tossing one leg over his lap so that you were straddling him. Immediately, his hands gripped your hips and squeezed, pushing your center against his groin. You gasped at the friction, your cunt already throbbing, and rocked your hips into his. </p><p> </p><p>Without warning he pulled away, slightly out of breath. For a moment you thought he was admiring you, enjoying seeing you flustered and on top of him, but your feeling of praise quickly fizzled when he pushed your hips away from his. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll drive you home," he said. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh." You slid off of him to stand up, awkwardly tugging your skirt down. "Now?" </p><p> </p><p>He nodded and stood, towering over you almost as if he were taunting you, before turning and walking inside. The night air was your only companion as you stood frozen wondering what the hell just happened. Everything was perfect and then he stopped just like that. Maybe you had done something wrong. Maybe you seemed too desperate. The thought made your stomach churn and for a moment you wondered if you might cry. The moment passed and was replaced with a knot of frustration. Was this not what you were here for? After a few deep breaths, you followed him inside, shivering at the sudden warm air. Kylo was standing in the kitchen watching you. </p><p> </p><p>"Come."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>The Prius rolled through the uneven downtown roads, making your knees knock together with every bump. Kylo was intensely still, his gaze on the road and his hand resting on the gearshift. Your insecurities were ripping your mind apart with a million questions, all of them at the expense of your feelings. The thought that he had kissed you, touched you, and suddenly decided he didn't want you was rolling through your mind, ramming against one side of your skull and flying across to collide with the other. The result was a pounding headache and a hurt ego. When the Prius halted in front of your worn down apartment building, you were relieved and yet utterly disappointed. The thought that this may be your last time seeing Kylo Ren was surprisingly dismal to you. You opened the door and moved to leave, humiliated and still a little horny, but you froze with one foot already pressed against the concrete. </p><p> </p><p>"Did I do something wrong?" you asked, quietly. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo cocked his head, looking more interested than sympathetic. "No."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." You started to move out the door. No part of your brain was capable of working out his game right now and you knew Ivy was up waiting for you, ready to hear all the details. Unfortunately she wouldn't get much. </p><p> </p><p>"Get back in the car and shut the door."</p><p> </p><p>Your stomach dropped, a tingling spinning through your legs. You blinked at him for a moment, wondering if you should challenge him. Isn't that what he said? That he would enjoy being challenged?</p><p> </p><p>"Why should I?'</p><p> </p><p>He looked pleased at your defiance. "Because you are to do what I say. Always." </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, sir." You had meant to say it sarcastically, but the lust growing between your legs had betrayed you, making it sound more sensual than annoyed. </p><p> </p><p>"Mmm," he hummed, a deep throaty noise, as if he had enjoyed being called sir. Good to know. </p><p> </p><p>"If I didn't offend you than why did you want me to leave so soon?" At this point, you had nothing to lose. If he wanted resistance, you could give him resistance. </p><p> </p><p>"Did it hurt you?"</p><p> </p><p>You scoffed and leaned away from him, glancing out the window at the apartment door. "What?"</p><p> </p><p>"Did it hurt you to think I was rejecting you?" You could tell by his voice he was testing you, drinking in the bewildered expression on your face. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know. Yes, I suppose it did." </p><p> </p><p>A faint unholy smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "Then maybe that's why."</p><p> </p><p>This felt like a new Kylo. Not that he was ever so pleasant previously, but now you could see the darkness captured in his pupils. Here he was-- the cruel man Poe had claimed him to be. <em>If I thought he'd hurt you I would have never mentioned you to him</em>, his words echoed through your mind. </p><p> </p><p>"Is it that you want to see me in pain, making a fool of myself, or that you like to feel like you have power?" You weren't sure whether to be wildly aroused or tremendously terrified. </p><p> </p><p>"Neither. I want to see devotion."</p><p> </p><p>You swallowed harshly and forced yourself to keep his sinister gaze. "How would that test my devotion?"</p><p> </p><p>"Because I can see that you're trembling now." You curled your nails into your palm. "And I saw the look on your face when you were standing outside alone. You were disappointed." </p><p> </p><p>"So? Of course I was I thought I had done something to offend you." </p><p> </p><p>"Mmm. Is that not devotion?" </p><p> </p><p>"No." Your chest was rising and falling deeply with nervous breaths. Kylo's remained calm. </p><p> </p><p>"Then if I ask you to come back tomorrow, you'll refuse?"</p><p> </p><p>His face was illuminated only by the faint glow of the streetlights, but his features were visible enough to remind you of his charm. You also couldn't ignore the fact that you were clenching your thighs together in search of relief from your desire. This version of Kylo, though unnerving, was undeniably seductive. </p><p> </p><p>"No. I am to do what you say." You smiled, a gleam of equal wickedness in your eyes. "Always." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Look At Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kylo's bathroom was undeniably impressive. Covered in black tiles, it matched the dark and moody nature of his bedroom. The oversized glass shower and black oval tub that greeted you made your jaw drop with envy. This didn't even feel like a bathroom, no, it seemed like it was just made to have sex in. Who buys a black tub for cleaning purposes? It was a sex tub for sure. </p><p> </p><p>You set your bag on the counter and pulled out the stringy black bathing suit. Just like last night, you were forced to borrow Ivy's clothes again. Waking up to a text from Kylo this morning had made your heart swell more than it should have. </p><p> </p><p>9 o'clock. Bring a bathing suit. A car will pick you up. </p><p> </p><p>You had insisted that you didn't mind taking the subway, but nonetheless fifteen minutes ago a black town car had been parked in front of your apartment. You had showed up to Kylo's apartment in black jeans and a green cardigan with your bikini tucked away in your bag. Ivy had told you to show up wearing it, but you kept imagining him opening the door in a suit, looking handsomely professional, to see you in a white coverup that made it look like you were at the beach with a frat house. In the end he proved you right and you were thankful you had listened to your own devices. </p><p> </p><p>You shed your jeans and sweater and slipped on the black bathing suit. It was certainly Ivy's style, a little high waisted and the top tied together in the middle, leaving your cleavage elegantly visible. You took your time knowing that Kylo was changing on the other side of the door. Your curiosity pulled at you and you gave in, snooping through his cabinets. It was all normal stuff, deodorant and toothpaste etc. A pink bag caught your eye at the front of a drawer and though you knew you shouldn't, you looked. There was a toothbrush and toothpaste, a light green razor, and a few hair ties. Oh. Was this for you? Or maybe just any girl that found themselves in Kylo's apartment? You zipped the bag quickly and shook your hands as if you could rid them from the invasion of privacy they had just committed. You folded your clothes into your bag, which you decided to leave on the counter, and knocked on the bathroom door. If Kylo was still dressing, or even there at all, there was no noise to reveal it. You cracked open the door and knocked again as you slowly swung it open. The room was empty. Leaving the eerily dim bedroom, you found the living room to be empty as well. You could feel the cool air washing in from the open balcony door, and you followed it. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was already in the water, facing away from you, his hair soaked. Though you couldn't see his body fully, you caught a glimpse of the curves of muscle on his shoulder and the delicate slope of his shoulder blades. You wrapped your arms around yourself, shielding your torso from the cool wind, and padded across the slick tiles to the edge of the pool. Stepping onto the top stair, you were pleasantly surprised when your ankles were met with warm water, instead of the icy condition you'd been expecting. Kylo turned around as if he had sensed your presence. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you said softly, feeling shy at the amount of skin exposed. It wasn't so much that you minded showing off your body, as much as you felt nervous at who was seeing it now. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo returned your greeting by dragging his eyes across your body, those hazel irises soaking in every inch of your uncovered skin. You pushed your arms to your sides, giving him a view of your chest, and descended the stairs until the water rose to your neck. The embrace of the heated liquid soothed your muscles and stroked your skin with calming pressure. You dipped your head under the surface, letting yourself be surrounded by tranquil silence for a moment, before rising up and smoothing your hair back. Kylo was still watching you with desirous interest. </p><p> </p><p>"You're lucky." You sighed, skimming your fingertips over the skin of the water. </p><p> </p><p>"Mm?" Kylo hummed as if to say 'Am I?'. </p><p> </p><p>"I wish I had something like this." You looked at him pointedly and added, "Normal people don't have this." </p><p> </p><p>"People have pools," he challenged. </p><p> </p><p>You stared at the rows of glowing lights that peeked out from behind the glass balcony. </p><p> </p><p>"Not like this, though." At some point, without full consciousness, you had drifted towards each other and were wading only a few feet apart. You could have reached out and touched him, caught the droplets of water trickling from his hair down his nose. You wondered if he was thinking the same thing or even aware of how close you were at all.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm glad you like it." The water was tapping against your jaw now, while Kylo's shoulders were still completely exposed to the night air. The man was certainly tall. </p><p> </p><p>"I really do." You licked your lips. "I wanted to ask you-- Poe never told me exactly-- what you do at CorTech?"  </p><p> </p><p>Kylo smirked and brushed his fingers through his hair. A single curl fell to bounce against his forehead and you clasped your hands together, preventing yourself from reaching out to tuck it away. "I'm the VP." </p><p> </p><p>Your jaw propped open and you smiled in astonishment. "You're the VP?" He nodded, trying not to mirror your smile, though you could see it pulling at the corners of his mouth. "Jesus, no one told me that." </p><p> </p><p>He chuckled lowly, and the adrenaline from hearing his throaty laugh made you laugh too. </p><p> </p><p>"That's a lot of responsibility," you said thoughtfully. You smoothed your wet hands over your head, worried that your little sprouts of baby hairs were springing up. You hoped you look okay. It didn't help that Kylo looked like a dripping god, his hair smoothed back and his eyelashes darker. Judging by the way he had been staring at you, however, he seemed to think you looked just fine. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, it is." </p><p> </p><p>"And you don't mind it?" </p><p> </p><p>Somehow you were even closer now, so close you could see the expanse of his pupils and the rising of his chest. "No. I'm very devoted to my work. It's my life." His tone was serious-- his expression too. </p><p> </p><p>"When do you have time for... people?" You were treading on thin ice, you knew that, but you wanted to poke around in his mind, pick apart the stony conscious of Kylo Ren. Last night, you had lied awake and wondered what secrets he held, what masks he wore. You barely knew him but there was an overwhelming pull to know him, really know him. Like if you could just be the one special person he let in, you might feel lucky. And when did you ever get to feel lucky?  </p><p> </p><p>There was a flash of new emotion on his face, sorrow perhaps, but it was quickly replaced by his usual sternness. "I don't have any."</p><p> </p><p>You paused. "Time? Or people?" As soon as the words tumbled past your lips, you wished you could shove them back in. Trying to expose his weaknesses so blatantly was a foolish mistake and not one you could afford. Literally. Kylo scowled and tilted his head slightly, causing you to  cower and hug your arms around your abdomen.  </p><p> </p><p>"Careful," he warned.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," you whispered. He didn't look too angry, thank god. He actually seemed entertained by your boldness. None of his previous girls had pushed against his insecurities, you were guessing. Maybe he liked that you did. </p><p> </p><p>There was a beat of silence filled with the faint sound of water lapping against the sides of the pool. Under the water, Kylo's hand brushed your leg and you shivered. He must have noticed, because you felt his fingers glide up the side of your thigh to rest at your hip. He squeezed his fingers around the soft tissue and you stepped forward automatically, bringing your face only inches from his chest. You reached your hand out and traced the slant of his collarbone, feeling your breaths getting deeper within your chest. His grip on your waist tightened and pulled you forward until your body was almost pressed against his. Teasingly slow, you raised your chin, lifting your face towards his and he took the invitation and pressed his lips to yours. They were damp from the water, but he tasted the same-- minty and powerful. You grabbed onto the arm grasping at your side, and felt the firm canvas of muscle stretched along his bicep. His arm wrapped around the back of your waist, and he pulled you, moving backwards in the water. Distracted by the feeling of his tongue exploring your mouth, you didn't realize he had taken you to a deeper spot in the pool until he let go of your waist and you almost slipped under the rippling surface. You grabbed onto his shoulders quickly and gasped into his lips. </p><p> </p><p>"I can't stand," you mumbled and released a small breathy laugh. </p><p> </p><p>As Kylo's lips continued to move against yours, more eager with each passing second, his hands grasped the back of your thighs and pulled them up to wrap around his solid torso. You hummed and wrapped your arms around his neck, already slowly bucking your hips against him, searching for relief from the tension building in your cunt. It was electrifying-- the feeling of his skin, his lips devouring yours, his hair tickling your arms. Your back came in contact with something cool and you yelped before realizing it was the side of the pool. You hadn't even realized he had been moving, but he now had you pinned up against the wall. He drove his pelvis against yours, hands gripping your hips, and you felt the hard length of his dick brushing against your core. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, god," you shuddered and his grip tightened. For a moment, you wondered if he was annoyed, but his lips moved to your neck and your head lolled to the side, forgetting any lingering thoughts of doubt. Wet kisses trailed down the pounding pulse in your throat and warmth stirred in your cunt, leaving you to pant and tighten your hold on him. His hands abandoned the plush of your hips and slid up your back, searching for the tie of your bikini. You released your grasp on his shoulders and reached behind you, taking his hands in yours and leading them to the front of your cleavage where the black fabric was tied between your breasts. It took him barely any time at all to undo the knot, a true professional, and the fabric drifted open, the ends floating in the blue water. Kylo's gaze devoured the sight of your bare chest and you relished the hungry glint in his wide pupils. He wanted you, and god, you wanted him. As soon as you slipped the straps down your arms and flung the top onto the concrete behind you, Kylo hoisted you up higher on his waist and his mouth flew to your tits. His enormous hand kneaded at one breast, rolling your nipple between his fingers, while his tongue lapped at the other, his teeth nipping and pulling at the tender flesh. All you could do was moan and writhe under him, your hands tangling in his wet hair, tugging lightly when he ran the tip of his tongue along the line of your areola. The cool air enveloped your chest, making every attack of his lips sting your skin with heat. The sensation of his tongue running along your breasts was hurdling your desperation into unashamed mania, and you pushed a finger against his jaw, trying to pull his lips to yours. He grunted into your skin and pushed against your grip, keeping his mouth encompassed around your raw nipple. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo, please," you whispered, your voice laced in pathetic, urgent need. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, after one last kiss to your chest, he lowered your hips back down to meet his and ground his covered bulge against you. You met his lips, once again, tasting chlorine on his tongue, undoubtedly from the dampness of your breasts. Each second the aching in your clit was growing, begging to be soothed, and the adrenaline in your veins was propelling your boldness. You traveled a hand down his firm stomach until you reached the hem of his shorts. Your hand slipped inside the fabric, and around his swelling cock. He was hard and excessively huge in your grasp. It was both intimidating and overwhelmingly thrilling. Your fingers slid up and down his shaft sloppily, your angle prohibiting you from making methodical strokes. Kylo hummed a throaty noise of praise into your mouth, which sent tingles through your legs. Under the warmth of the water, Kylo grazed his fingers against the fabric covering your cunt and you pushed your hips forward, begging for his touch. </p><p> </p><p>He chuckled lowly. "So desperate for me, aren't you?" He slid his thumb up your slit, brushing your clit. </p><p> </p><p>You shuddered. "Yes, Kylo. Fuck."</p><p> </p><p>His hand pulled at the string encircling your hips. "Let's take this off, hm?" </p><p> </p><p>Without hesitation, you let go of his pulsing dick and released your legs from his hips, pulling the bikini bottoms down your legs and pushing them behind you. He pulled your legs around him again and dragged two fingers up the folds of your pussy. </p><p> </p><p>"Enough teasing," you panted. You stared into his darkened irises pleadingly. </p><p> </p><p>"What do you want?" he asked deeply, his voice gravelly and dark. </p><p> </p><p>You weren't even sure where to start. You wanted it all. You wanted his fingers and his dick and his tongue and you wanted them everywhere. For now though-- "I want you to fuck me."</p><p> </p><p>You felt movement and then the tip of his cock was running up and down your cunt, teasing your entrance and kissing your clit. You whimpered and gripped onto his shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo, please. Please," you whined. </p><p> </p><p>Without warning he plunged into you roughly, the water granting you no protection from the friction of his length pushing into your entrance. You gasped and scrunched your face in pain. It felt like he was ripping you open, filling up every crevice of empty space and threatening to rip through your walls with each thrust. You allowed your forehead to fall against his shoulder, your breath struggling to catch up, and you winced against the smooth surface of muscle. He must have sensed your discomfort, because he slowed his pace and brought a finger to rub against your aching clit. You moaned and and after a few more strokes of his length slowly stretching your cunt out, you started bringing your hips down to meet his. </p><p> </p><p>The pain morphed into dizzying pleasure and catching on to your change in sensation, he picked up his pace, heavily thrusting into you once again. Each thrust spilled electricity into your core and you melted your upper body against his chest while still slamming your cunt down onto his dick. His chest was rising and falling quickly, and he groaned which spiraled you upwards, your head getting foggy, eyes shut. As he pounded into you, his finger left your clit, but you couldn't find the sanity to mind. </p><p> </p><p>"Look at you, taking my cock like a good girl," he hissed. </p><p> </p><p>You tried to answer but only muddled cries left your lips. The water rippled around you at the rough movements and you felt your climax pulling at you, an invisible force unraveling the bliss tangled between your legs. </p><p> </p><p>"Look at me," he growled, and despite the heavy feeling in your neck you lifted your face. </p><p> </p><p>You should have looked sooner. Strands of loose curls stuck to his face and a glowing flush adorned his cheeks. His lips were pressed against each other, trembling, like it was taking copious amounts of effort to not open them. The sight of him, hair bouncing with every thrust, was exhilarating, his composure crumbling at the feeling of being plunged inside you. His fingers wrapped around your throat, locking your eyes to him, and your jaw hung open. You were so close, inching upwards, body begging to be pushed to the edge. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo pulled out of you, and before you had the chance to protest, he gripped your hips harshly and flipped you over. You held onto the tiled edge of the pool and his hand covered your clit, not pressing against it, just lightly blanketing it. Frustrated, you bucked your hips against his hand. </p><p> </p><p>"Stop." His grip on your waist tightened. </p><p> </p><p>You swallowed and he yanked at your body. You opened your mouth to question him, but his hand moved and you shrieked. He had placed your clit in front of one of the pool's water jets. His dick slammed into you from behind and whimpers lodged themselves in your heaving chest. The pressure of the water spinning around your clit and the feeling of Kylo's dick stuffing your cunt made your legs shake. You gave into the overstimulation and leaned your cheek against the cold smooth tiles, your head rocking as Kylo pounded into your aching entrance. Every ounce of stability was draining out of you, replaced by a blinding euphoria. Whether he wanted you to or not, you were going to cum. Your fingers plunged to your clit underneath the water, and you worked circles into your bud, assisting the water jets in urging yourself closer. </p><p> </p><p>Nonsense yelps of relief fluttered through your lips as the rolls of bliss poured over your body, trembling through your legs, and crashing through your chest. Every nerve in your core burned with release and you sputtered uneven breaths against the concrete under your cheek. Kylo continued to ram into you, your cunt now raw and spasming. He groaned a string of curses as you clenched around him, and you felt him thrust into you incredibly deep, stinging your stomach, his dick twitching while he came. Far away, muffled and disconnected from your lungs, you could hear yourself whimpering and Kylo's deep breaths in your ear. He slipped his length out of you, leaving you supremely empty, and turned you around, pulling you against his chest with one arm. You stayed there, burrowed against him, slightly embarrassed of how worn out you were, as you felt the water rippling around you. His movements halted and he let go of you gently. Your feet met the bottom of the pool and you opened your eyes to realize you were at the pool stairs. Kylo ascended out of the pool, water dripping from him like a heavenly waterfall. He walked to one of the many lounge chairs, his shorts low on his hips, and picked up two gray towels. You admired the torso you had not gotten the chance to fully see, thick and toned, ripples of muscle encircling it. Kylo returned to the stairs, running one towel over his face, and holding the other in front of him. He stared at you expectantly. Oh. You stepped onto the first step and tried to hide the grimace twisting onto your face. You were unbelievably sore, legs still trembling, your inner thighs on fire. You tried to juggle the nervous realization of your nudity and the humiliation of barely being able to move as you inched up the stairs, painfully slow. Kylo watched, a devilish smile of amusement forming on his swollen lips. When you finally stepped out of the water and onto the dark tile, you snatched the towel from his grasp, frustrated but still hazy and wrapped it around yourself. </p><p> </p><p>"Come," Kylo demanded, and walked inside without a glance back. </p><p> </p><p>Genuinely, you thought you might cry as you waddled towards the glass doors. You weren't sure if it was from the pain, annoyance from his refusal to help you, or the comedown of the large wave of pleasure you had just been smacked with. Either way, the emotions were surging up and constricting your throat. </p><p> </p><p>Your hair dripped a trail of pool water through the living room as you shuffled into Kylo's room, where he had disappeared. You stood at the door, allowing yourself a moment to adjust to the blanket of darkness that covered the space. Kylo emerged from what you assumed was a closet, with a black bundle of fabric in hand. </p><p> </p><p>"Stay the night. You can borrow this." He opened the bathroom door and nodded his head for you to follow. He opened the drawer, yes the one you had been snooping through not long ago, and pulled out the pink bag. "That's for you." And with that he shut the door, leaving you to clean up. Alone. </p><p> </p><p>You went through an extremely edited version of your night routine-- brushing your teeth, combing through your hair with your fingers and drying it with a towel, and washing your face with water, no soap provided. You looked undeniably pathetic. Your eyes were droopy and glazed over and your face a soft pink color. You looked like you had just been properly fucked, which you had. </p><p> </p><p>You emerged from the bathroom, Kylo's t shirt hanging above your knees. Kylo was sitting on the edge of the bed, now wearing comfortable black trousers, and, fantastically enough, no shirt. His gaze dragged over his t shirt that was hanging at your elbows, ridiculously oversized. Without a word he went into the bathroom. </p><p> </p><p>You sighed, feeling a little disappointed yet with the lingering sense of satisfaction-- an all over confusing mix of emotion-- and crawled onto the other side of the bed, tucking yourself under the silk material and letting your head melt into the pillow. Exhaustion pulled at you, yearning for sleep, but you tried to fight it, wanting to stay awake to see what Kylo would do. Would he show you any affection at all? You weren't the type of girl who needed affection to have sex, but a sliver of reassurance, just a glimpse of humanity, would help quiet the surge of emotion puddling in your chest. You tried to keep your eyes pried open, staring into the darkness, but the urge for rest pulled you in, and you gave up, letting your eyelids find relief. You were drifting onto the edge of sleep when Kylo exited the bathroom and climbed into bed next to you. He didn't move and as your consciousness drained, your heart sank. But then you felt something stroke your face-- his hand?-- and he whispered something you couldn't make out.</p><p> </p><p>And then you fell into a gentle fog of rest.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Smell of Cigarettes and Rain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Your fingers tried to grip the cold granite beneath you, your only life line while Kylo rammed his cock into you. </p><p> </p><p>Things had escalated quickly. A glass of wine while leaning against the kitchen counter had quickly turned into clothes being splayed across the floor and hands exploring skin. Yesterday morning you woke up in Kylo's empty bed, disappointed at his absence and finding no note left behind. It was strange to be a part of this 'relationship' where you had to try to connect with him, entertain him, yet he didn't have to contribute any effort at all. You had a full day to recover from the events of the pool, which was lucky for you, since now, as his throbbing length pushed against your walls, you knew you would have to experience the soreness all over again. </p><p> </p><p>You moaned into Kylo's mouth, your cunt filled with burning relief. He pulled away from your lips to rest his forehead against yours-- a shockingly affectionate gesture-- and thrusted into you faster, his movements becoming greedy and desperate. It was quite a sight. His bare torso inches from yours, his hands resting on your thighs, keeping them pried open. You regretted not watching his face last time, so you took every chance to soak in his appearance-- the way his lips were slightly parted and panting, the heaviness of his eyelids, the wide diameter of his pupils when he looked at you. All of it was mesmerizing. The sight of him getting this much pleasure from your body made your core ache. </p><p> </p><p>You could feel his ragged breath against your cheek as a hand left your thigh and found your clit. You shuddered, throwing your pelvis forward, and he worked steady circles into your bud. You whimpered and he momentarily brought his lips to yours again. Warm bliss was crawling through your limbs and you could sense you were close, drifting into orgasm. You rolled your head sideways and nuzzled your face into his neck, his silky curls tickling your nose. </p><p> </p><p>"No." Kylo grasped the back of your neck and pulled you forward in front of his face. "I want to watch you cum." </p><p> </p><p>His words were enough to send you over the edge. Your legs trembled and you yelped a slurred string of profanity. Tingling euphoria poured over you, flooding through your core with soothing heat. You let the weight of your neck fall into Kylo's grasp and your vision was a muddled blur of white light. Your chest shuddered with deep breaths as you came down from your high and you could hear Kylo groaning, nearing his own climax. You blinked rapidly, clearing the fog from your vision, and watched Kylo's face with hooded eyes. Watching him cum was a heavenly sight. At first he kept his jaw firm and tense, his lips pressed together, his eyes focused on your pink face, but as his orgasm peaked, his jaw dropped open slightly and his eyes glazed over, deep moans escaping his lips though you could tell he was trying to constrict them. </p><p> </p><p>He dropped his head, chest heaving, and moved his hands to lean against the counter on either side of your lap, his dick still inside you. You took the opportunity to trace your fingers tips up his arms, skimming over the slopes of muscle, and up the tendons in his neck, resting at the back of his jaw. Your thumb stroked against his cheek and you wanted him to touch you, kiss you, say something sweet, anything to aid the downfall from bliss. But Kylo stood still catching his breath for a few more seconds before he pulled out of you and tucked his length away into his pants. This was the part you weren't sure you would be able to handle. Having him fuck you senseless, his eyes hungry and his tongue sweet, all of his attention on your tingling body, and then suddenly drop you into ice water, not a second glance, no fingers skimming your skin. Intensity to coldness in a matter of seconds. </p><p> </p><p>You closed your legs and slowly slid off the counter, gripping the side of the granite as your knees wobbled. Kylo wordlessly opened a cabinet and brought down two glasses. He filled them with water as you slipped on your panties and bra, and you had just slipped your sweater over your head when he handed you a glass. You thanked him with a small smile. His expression was so blank it made your stomach twist. Wasn't it common decency to be nice, polite at the bare minimum, to the person you just had sex with? Bringing you a glass of water was nice, you suppose. That would have to be enough for now. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo took a sip from his glass and walked away, disappearing behind the door of his bedroom. You finished your water with shaky hands before slipping back into your jeans and staring at the floor, wondering whether you should follow him or awkwardly stand in the middle of his kitchen. He wasn't exactly hospitable. Luckily, he emerged from the room before you could decide. He was wearing a black t shirt which was enough to make your tongue feel dry. Casual clothes on Kylo seemed regal. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you want me to go?" you said softly, trying to sound like you sincerely didn't mind either way. Maybe you didn't, it was hard to tell. Leaving all of a sudden seemed strange, but it was far too early for sleep and you didn't want to spend the evening with Kylo if he was going to be so distant. </p><p> </p><p>He set his glass in the sink and pulled his eyebrows together, looking at you with annoyed confusion. "Why would I want you to leave?"</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged. "Sorry. I'm still figuring out how this works."</p><p> </p><p>He turned around and leaned his back against the counter. "What happened that first night.." You nodded, signaling your remembrance of the way he left you hanging-- horny and confused. "That won't happen again." He stepped forward until he was towering over you. He set a hand against your upper thigh, and you blushed, realizing that the muscle was spasming, a leftover symptom of getting rammed five minutes ago. "I won't let you go home when your legs are still shaking like this."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped, both embarrassed and incredibly hot and nodded dumbly. </p><p> </p><p>"I have to make some calls. Get comfortable, turn on the tv, whatever you want." His words were sweet but his tone was empty, an occurrence you were getting accustomed to. You watched the wide frame of his shoulders as he entered his office, shutting the door behind him. </p><p> </p><p>After peeing and cleaning yourself up, you messed with the remotes for what felt like a frustrating eternity, before you managed to turn the tv on and find Netflix. You shuffled through the endless options before giving up and playing Silver Linings Playbook. You assured yourself that you could always change it when he came out. With a blanket wrapped around your legs, you tried to relax into the cushions. It was strange to treat his home like it was your own, like you had been here a million times. But that was part of the deal. There was no gradual progression into this arrangement. It was all at once-- sex, comfort, affection-- it was all an expectation, not an instinct. </p><p> </p><p>Knowing Kylo would walk out any minute kept you from fully enjoying Bradley Cooper's dancing, and you caught yourself glancing at your phone far too often. Forty minutes had passed and you were starting to become restless, despite the wine in your system. A gentle pattering sounded against the roof and you realized it was raining. You sat up, crossed the room to the glass door and stared at the droplets interrupting the stillness of the pool, spreading continuous rings across the surface. You slid the door open only a few inches letting the muggy smell and cool breeze brush your face. Taking a deep breath, you leaned your head against the door frame and closed your eyes, enjoying the feeling of tiny droplets freckling your skin. </p><p> </p><p>"What are you doing?"</p><p> </p><p>You jumped and turned to see Kylo a few feet behind you, his hands tucked in his pockets. </p><p> </p><p>"You scared me. Sorry, I was just--" You glanced outside feeling childish. "-- watching the rain." You brought your nail between your teeth and examined his face. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo looked strained. His jaw was taut, even more so than before. </p><p> </p><p>"Is everything okay? With work?"</p><p> </p><p>"It's not important."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay." You didn't believe him. You could see the tension is his shoulders, the stress hiding in his tired eyes. "Come here," you said softly. </p><p> </p><p>He stepped forward, solemn as ever, and your fingers lightly hooked around his side bringing him closer until he was right behind you. You let your head fall against his chest and you pulled his arm to rest against your stomach, gently running your nails up and down his forearm. He was tense underneath you, probably uneasy at your gestures of affection. It seemed silly to you. It wasn't real anyway. You weren't comforting him because he was a nice guy, you were comforting him because that's what you were here to do. If you weren't getting paid, you weren't so sure you would feel bad for Kylo Ren. </p><p> </p><p>You weren't sure how long you stood there trying to relax him, before he stepped away to sit on the couch. You wanted to feel offended but couldn't find the energy to care, so you joined him and purposefully pushed your shoulder against his. You watched the rest of the movie in silence apart from the slowing trickle of rain. You couldn't help but look at him from the corner of your eye every so often. He seemed distracted mostly, like he was looking at the TV but not registering anything on the screen. He was somewhere else completely. </p><p> </p><p>By the time the movie ended, you could tell he was exhausted. You wordlessly went into the bedroom to change. As you brushed your teeth, there was guilt gnawing at your stomach. Here you were, staying in his bedroom, getting fucked on his kitchen counter, and yet you couldn't bridge a connection with him. It didn't seem right to get paid for something you couldn't seem to do very well. In your defense, however, Kylo was a difficult man to figure out. You wondered if his past sugar babies ever found a way to reach into his mind and tear down his walls. Probably not. </p><p> </p><p>You wrapped yourself in the silk sheets and stared at the bathroom door, mind racing. Kylo came out eventually, shirtless again, which you weren't sure would ever get old, and settled himself onto the bed. You wanted to help him or at least try, but you couldn't think of any words that would do any good. Maybe you just needed more time to understand him. </p><p> </p><p>As a final effort, you leaned over and pressed your lips to his in a gentle lingering kiss and then you rolled over and closed your eyes. You couldn't tell if he liked it or not. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Everything was dark. You blinked into the blackness. There was no light spilling in from behind the blackout curtains which meant it was still night. You shifted onto your elbows and listened intently. The rain had stopped but more importantly you couldn't hear Kylo's breathing beside you. You slipped your hand across the silk sheets slowly but your fingers were met with nothing but air. Maybe he's in the bathroom. But there was no light peeking from the door. More curious than worried, you slinked off the plush mattress and padded to the bedroom door. The living room was dark too, but the city lights shone enough through the space so you could see he wasn't there. You stepped forward aimlessly, your eyes scanning the furniture and dark corners. An icy breeze trickled past your bare legs and you followed it to the open balcony door. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was leaning against the balcony staring at the skyline, a cigarette propped between his fingers. His hair was messy, waves tangled and sticking out like a halo. He was still wearing sweatpants, but his bare torso was now covered by a black halfway-zipped jacket. </p><p> </p><p>You could have gone inside; you could have disappeared back to his bed, tangled yourself in soft sheets and fallen asleep peacefully. But you stepped into the freezing night air and walked towards him, feet pressing against the wet tiles. He looked up when you were an arms reach away. His eyes were tired, like he could barely keep them open, and it seemed like there was a permanent wrinkle between his eyebrows. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you said quietly. </p><p> </p><p>"Did I wake you?"</p><p> </p><p>"No, no." You shook your head and watched him tap his cigarette against the lip of the ashtray balancing on the handrail. "I didn't know you smoked," you said plainly, careful that your voice was vacant of judgement. </p><p> </p><p>"Only on occasion." His voice was low, almost hoarse. </p><p> </p><p>"What's the occasion tonight?"</p><p> </p><p>He took a long breath, the embers glowing in the biting wind. "Stress." </p><p> </p><p>Stress did not seem like an occasion. In fact, in your life it seemed that not being stressed would be an occasion. You couldn't imagine that Kylo's life, stuffed with far more responsibility than yours, could be any less anxiety ridden. </p><p> </p><p>"Did something happen?" you asked. </p><p> </p><p>He shifted his jaw and stared away from you. </p><p> </p><p>"You're allowed to talk to me about work things, if that's what it is. I might not understand it all, but I'll listen." You mirrored him, leaning against the railing, your shoulder inches from his. </p><p>Another bout of silence. </p><p> </p><p>"That's what I'm here for, isn't it?" you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo exhaled a river of gray smoke and licked his lips, considering your words. </p><p> </p><p>"One of the directors, this idiot Hux, let some shit fall through with a big client and we lost the account. So I have to clean up after him and try to smooth things out, but it's not gonna be good. Snoke is up my ass about it because I was supposed to oversee it but I let it fall through the cracks, I guess." He shrugged as if to pretend it wasn't a big deal. </p><p> </p><p>"Shit." You leaned over so that your arm was pressed against his. "I'm sorry. That sounds like a lot weight on your shoulders, I can't even imagine." He looked over at you with dark eyes. "Hux sounds like a jackass," you added. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo smiled, small but magical, dimples appearing in his cheeks. It was the first smile you had seen on him that reached his eyes, even if they were tired, and it was so stunning you hoped you would get to see it again and again. </p><p> </p><p>"He makes my life a lot harder," he replied. </p><p> </p><p>"Why don't you get rid of him?"</p><p> </p><p>Kylo sighed out another puff of hazy smoke. "He's an idiot but a loyal idiot. Snoke thinks it's valuable to keep him." </p><p> </p><p>"Snoke sounds kind of terrifying." He smashed the butt of his cigarette into the tray and pulled the small white box from his pocket. He balanced a fresh one between his lips and turned the box towards you, offering you a cigarette. Without much thought, you picked one out and held it in your mouth. Kylo brushed his thumb against the lighter and stroked the flame against the end of his cigarette before repeating the action on yours inches in front of your lips, the warmth tickling your chin. </p><p> </p><p>"He can be, sometimes, but he's been good to me. I owe him a lot." </p><p> </p><p>"You didn't make it this far without your own ambition, though." </p><p> </p><p>He shook his head. "It was all under his guidance. I would have gotten nowhere if he hadn't seen something in me." Seeing Kylo in this setting was comforting. He spoke so casually, like he had forgotten for a moment that he was supposed to act like an ass. His arrogance was replaced by gratitude, and, maybe it was just the smoke in your lungs, but your chest felt warm. "I didn't know you smoked?" he added. </p><p> </p><p>A smile tugged at your lips. "I don't, but I used to. I went through sort of a... stage." You waved your hand in the air at the word 'stage', trying to dismiss the topic. "That's really nice about your boss-- that he's guided you like that. I think that's rare." </p><p> </p><p>He ignored the last half of your reply. "What else did this 'stage' include?" </p><p> </p><p>You stalled by taking a draw. This is not where you had expected the conversation to go. You scrunched your nose, cringing at the thought of your younger self. "Just the normal angst stuff. Too much eyeliner. Getting drunk for no reason. Never sleeping because I thought it made me interesting or something. Just stupid shit." </p><p> </p><p>Kylo chuckled and nodded, but didn't reply aloud.</p><p> </p><p>"Didn't you ever have a stage like that?" you prodded. </p><p> </p><p>He grimaced, smoke rolling out of his lips. "Yes, I'd rather not think about it."</p><p> </p><p>"Exactly." </p><p> </p><p>There was a comfortable silence, the sweet scent of smoke curling through the air around you. You liked this Kylo. Barefoot, messy haired, too-tired-to-be-moody, Kylo. His defenses weren't completely down. There was still a small edge to his voice, like he was making an easy business deal, but still, he was talking, exposing small glimpses of his life, and that's all you wanted. How could this Kylo be the same one who had left you standing, naked and wobbling, in the middle of his kitchen only hours ago? </p><p> </p><p>"You're kind of a quiet person, hm?" you asked. </p><p> </p><p>He looked at you curiously. "I tend to keep to myself."</p><p> </p><p>"Nothing wrong with that." </p><p> </p><p>More silence, except now you worried you had broken the light mood. </p><p> </p><p>"If you want me to be more quiet around you, I will. You can tell me anytime if you want me to change something I'm doing," you said sincerely. </p><p> </p><p>His facial expression changed from curiosity to full on confusion. </p><p> </p><p>You went on. "Just cause I'm new to this, I'd want you to tell me if I'm acting different than I'm supposed to. I-I kinda feel like I'm doing this wrong."</p><p> </p><p>His only reply was the fold in his brow. You swatted away the idea with your hand. </p><p>"Sorry, I think I'm just paranoid. I probably shouldn't say that stuff to you."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo adjusted his stance, one elbow propped against the handrail so that he was facing you. "You're not doing anything wrong." </p><p> </p><p>"Oh."</p><p> </p><p>"You don't have to try to change your behaviors to what you think will please me."</p><p> </p><p>"But the other night you said the other girls didn't try hard enough." </p><p> </p><p>His gaze was burning holes through your cheeks. "That's not what I meant." </p><p> </p><p>You crushed the orange embers of your cigarette into the smoking ashtray. </p><p> </p><p>"Then what did you mean?"</p><p> </p><p>Kylo copied your actions. "I don't know. Now that I think about it, none of it made sense. Just ignore it."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded and shifted your numb feet. </p><p> </p><p>"You're not doing anything wrong," he said again.</p><p> </p><p>His words were so genuine, you smiled. "I believe you." </p><p> </p><p>You rolled onto the balls of your feet and lifted your chin upwards. He met you in the middle, smoothing his lips against yours. He tasted like smoke-- just smoke-- and his tongue was warm and bitter with nicotine. You liked knowing that, right now, your mouths tasted the exact same. One hand snaked around your waist and you stepped forward to press your body against his. His other hand cradled your jaw. You could have stood there all night, skin buzzing from the cool air and the presence of Kylo's abdomen against your braless chest. The taste of smoke coating your tongue. You ran your fingers over the exposed skin under his collarbones and shivered. </p><p> </p><p>It was over too soon. Kylo pulled away and dropped his hands. Your heart dropped a little at the abandonment of his touch, but he cured it by pressing his palm against the small of your back and motioning to the door. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's sleep." </p><p> </p><p>You walked in front of him into the warm air of the living room and back into the pitch black bedroom. You felt your way to the bed and laid down as Kylo followed, slipping in next to you. </p><p> </p><p>He didn't touch you-- didn't kiss you goodnight or mumble sweet dreams. But you could sense that he was closer to you than before. And you wondered what had changed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Anything You Want</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I think they forgot my soy milk." Ivy popped the lid of her iced coffee and lifted the cup to her nose. "It smells like real milk."</p><p> </p><p>She handed you the plastic cup and you rolled your eyes, bringing it to your face and sniffing.</p><p> </p><p>"It smells like coffee," you said.</p><p> </p><p>Ivy huffed and took a sip anyways. Outskirt Cafe was your favorite hidden treasure of this city. With brown leather couches and random knick knacks strewn across the walls, it served as a perfectly cozy place to spend a foggy afternoon. Most of all, it was your sister's favorite place, which meant every couple weeks you came here to purge all your problems and thoughts as she nodded and laughed. On cue, Rey walked through the squeaky front door, bringing a breeze of frigid air with her. She looked good-- healthy-- in loose jeans and a thick knit sweater the color of sand. Her face lit up with a warm smile at the sight of you and you stood, beaming back at her, arms outstretched. Her delicate frame fell into your arms and you squeezed her. She smelled like shampoo.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey bubs," she mumbled into your shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi bubs," you mimicked her. You released her from your grip and she moved on to Ivy, embracing her in a short but sincere hug.</p><p> </p><p>As Rey sat down, you pushed a poorly crafted mug across the table, a splash of the tan liquid spilling out the side in the process.</p><p> </p><p>"How's Sophie?" you asked.</p><p> </p><p>She smiled at the mention of her name and you smiled too. That's all you ever wanted, to see your sister smile, to know she was okay.</p><p> </p><p>"She's sorry she couldn't come, but she's good. She started her new job at the salon last week and now she's trying to convince me that we should get a dog."</p><p> </p><p>"I agree with her. Get a dog," Ivy chimed in.</p><p> </p><p>Rey frowned into her latte. "I'm not really a dog person."</p><p> </p><p>Ivy rolled her eyes and you chuckled. "That's just because mom's old dog bit you and now you think all dogs are mean."</p><p> </p><p>Rey shrugged her shoulders. "I'm not getting a dog."</p><p> </p><p>You relaxed into your chair and took a bite of the half-finished croissant in front of you. Being with Rey always made things feel better. You didn't have to worry about the fact that Kylo had yet to mention any sort of payment. You didn't have to worry about dinner or rent or reminding Ivy to take her birth control. Because no matter what Rey would be there, taking care of you-- the only home you could go back to.</p><p> </p><p>Rey asked Ivy about her life and Ivy rambled through details while Rey laughed and nodded. You played with the rings on your fingers and watched them, enjoying the ease at which they interacted. Ivy mentioned something about Poe-- a new handbag, or maybe it was sunglasses-- and Rey leaned forward, a mysterious smile pulling at her lips.</p><p> </p><p>"Speaking of Poe," she leaned her temple against her hand, gaze hovering over you, "tell me about this guy."</p><p> </p><p>You shifted in the squishy sofa chair and sighed. "He's not this guy. He's basically my employer."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay fine, tell my about your employer."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Ivy challenged, "tell her about Kylo."</p><p> </p><p>You shot her a warning glare and she raised her eyebrows in equal defiance.</p><p> </p><p>Rey glanced between you from behind her misshapen mug. "Am I missing something?"</p><p> </p><p>"Ivy's not a fan," you explained.</p><p> </p><p>"He's an ass," Ivy stated bluntly.</p><p> </p><p>"You don't even know him, V. He's--" You paused. What was Kylo? You weren't even sure you knew. "-- a little cocky and withdrawing sometimes. But he's not bad, not really."</p><p> </p><p>"From the things you've told me--" Ivy started.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey," you stopped her, a threatening edge in your tone.</p><p> </p><p>"What things?" Rey leaned forward. She seemed worried now. Her eyes had that little squint of concern that you hated.</p><p> </p><p>Ivy stared at you with her lips pressed together. She looked a little regretful, even a little nervous. Her intentions were never wrong. Since the day you met her waiting tables at Cloud Nine, she was fiercely protective. Griping at any customer that tried to sneakily grab at your ass, snapping at the bartender when he messed up your orders. It was no wonder she got fired long before you.</p><p> </p><p>"It's not a big deal. He's just not keen on affection. I've never really slept with a guy this distant, so it's just hard to get used to. That's it. He's not actually doing anything wrong he just isn't interested in, uh, like aftercare stuff." You grimaced and hid behind your hands "God, we don't need to talk about this, I don't even mind it."</p><p> </p><p>Rey chewed on her cheek and glanced at Ivy for confirmation, to which Ivy supplied a small nod. "But he's not hurting you?" Rey asked.</p><p> </p><p>"Jesus, no." You groaned.</p><p> </p><p>"As long as he's not hurting you, then he's allowed to be an ass I suppose," Rey said.</p><p> </p><p>You were relieved that this part of the conversation was being concluded. You knew Rey's opinion shouldn't have really mattered, but nonetheless, you felt better with her verbal approval hanging in the air.</p><p> </p><p>"They fucked in his pool." Ivy blurted.</p><p> </p><p>"Jesus, Ivy!" You shrieked, glancing around to see if anyone was close by. Rey threw her head back laughing, her cheeks a glowing pink, and you gave in and laughed too.</p><p> </p><p>"You're gonna get a UTI or something if you're not careful," she sputtered between breaths.</p><p> </p><p>"I think it just sounds painful," Ivy said and crinkled her face in fake disturbance.</p><p> </p><p>"Is he big?" Rey asked, chuckling with her hands covering her mouth.</p><p> </p><p>You rubbed the back of your palm over your forehead, trying to contain your uncomfortable giggles. "You guys are ridiculous, really."</p><p> </p><p>"Why are you being shy? You're never shy about sex," Rey pointed out. That was Rey. Always painstakingly aware of who other people were.</p><p> </p><p>You took another bite of buttery croissant, allowing your laughter to subside. "I'm not being shy, it just feels wrong to talk about it like this when he's paying for it. It's like doctor-patient confidentiality."</p><p> </p><p>"I think doctors would be offended about being compared to sugar babies," Ivy commented and took a long sip of coffee.</p><p> </p><p>You rolled your eyes. "You know what I mean."</p><p> </p><p>Luckily, they dropped the topic and returned to talking about Ivy's new pair of Louboutins.</p><p> </p><p>Time whirled by as the conversation flowed effortlessly, like always. You were lucky to have your best friend and sister get along so well. Though, it wasn't surprising considering they were both the kind of people to like everyone and be liked by everyone. You laughed at nothing and talked aimlessly just enjoying each others company. The sky slowly grew darker until there was only a faint glow of light blanketing the cafe. You were about to suggest heading home before dark when your phone dinged.</p><p> </p><p>It was Kylo.</p><p> </p><p>I'm picking you up in ten minutes.</p><p> </p><p>You frowned and tapped at the keyboard.</p><p> </p><p>I'm not home.</p><p> </p><p>Where are you?</p><p> </p><p>Coffee shop. Outskirt Cafe.</p><p> </p><p>Are you on a date?</p><p> </p><p>You scoffed out loud, making Rey pause and raise her eyebrows.</p><p> </p><p>No.</p><p> </p><p>I'll be there in five.</p><p> </p><p>"For fucks sake," you mumbled, tucking your phone away. Ivy and Rey gave you curious looks. "Kylo's picking me up soon."</p><p> </p><p>"Now? From here?" Rey asked, obviously annoyed.</p><p> </p><p>"Well, yeah."</p><p> </p><p>You looked to Ivy for consolation, but she offered none.</p><p> </p><p>"It's getting dark anyways," you shrugged.</p><p> </p><p>"Barely," Rey retorted.</p><p> </p><p>"You're mad about this?"</p><p> </p><p>She sighed. "No. I just don't like that he thinks he can pick you up whenever, as if you don't have a life."</p><p> </p><p>Ivy came to your defense, finally. "To be fair, he is paying her to basically just be available for him."</p><p> </p><p>"I guess." Rey surrendered.</p><p> </p><p>"Don't be mad, bubs," you pleaded.</p><p> </p><p>Rey sat up in her seat and smiled deviously. "I'm not mad. I can't wait to meet him."</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>You pulled your coat tighter around your chest. Boston winters were always so damn cold.</p><p> </p><p>"You really don't have to wait with me," you said, voice desperate.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm looking forward to saying hi to my old pal, Kylo," Ivy chuckled, her nose already pink.</p><p> </p><p>"Me too," Rey added.</p><p> </p><p>"I swear if you guys-" His black Porsche turned around the corner and you groaned. "Don't say anything embarrassing. I'm so fucking serious."</p><p> </p><p>Rey wrapped you in a hug and whispered a goodbye into your hair. Kylo's Porsche pulled in front of the cafe and you approached the sleek black exterior. Ivy stepped forward as soon as you managed to yank the door open.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi Kylo, nice to see you again," she said too enthusiastically, waving.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo forced a polite smile and silently nodded a greeting. The last time you had seen him he was bathed in city lights and surrounded by a cloud of smoke. He didn't look any less handsome now in the glow of dusk, his hair brushed back and the sleeves of his white button-up rolled to his elbows. No suit jacket today, you noticed. You slid into the passenger seat and reached to pull the door closed but Rey moved forward quickly and peaked her head in. You shot her a lethal glare.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm Rey."</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo," he introduced himself and reached a hand towards her. She accepted it and glanced at you teasingly.</p><p> </p><p>"That's enough," you warned. Rey smiled widely and stepped back, allowing you to close the door. "Sorry about them," you mumbled. Kylo pulled away from the building and sped down the narrow roads.</p><p> </p><p>"Who's Rey?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." You stared at his hands wrapped around the wheel. Roads of veins and tendons lining the back of them. "She's my sister." You hadn't expected to ever talk to Kylo about family and you certainly hadn't planned on him meeting them either. Your life was split into two sections now: normal, personal life, and sugar baby life. Mixing them could only end in disaster.</p><p> </p><p>"You haven't mentioned her."</p><p> </p><p>"It never came up."</p><p> </p><p>"Are you close?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes. We're all each other has," you said softly. Kylo didn't answer but you could sense his mind turning. "Do you have siblings?"</p><p> </p><p>He glanced at you, his face stern, eyebrows pulled together as if you had said something absurd.</p><p> </p><p>"Am I not supposed to ask that stuff?"</p><p> </p><p>"Not really."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." You leaned back into your seat and swallowed, your throat suddenly dry.</p><p> </p><p>"But no, I don't have any siblings."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm. That's okay." You didn't know what else to say. An 'I'm sorry' didn't seem appropriate and asking any more questions felt risky.</p><p> </p><p>You fell into silence. It felt like you were sitting next to a stranger, the flame of familiarity snuffed out without reason. Maybe you were just still rattled from the humiliation of Ivy and Rey interacting with Kylo. Maybe you just hadn't looked at him enough yet. His hair was mostly neat, but the right side was ruffled, and you imagined him running his hands through it all day. He looked well rested compared to when you'd last seen him, less than 48 hours ago. The circles under his eyes were only faint shadows now and his skin had more color. You wondered if he had treated himself to another mid-night smoke session last night. You wouldn't mind experiencing that again-- sleepy, stressed Kylo. The thought made your chest warm and the feeling of uncomfortable distance seemed to fade.</p><p> </p><p>"Where are we going?" you asked sitting up in your chair. You had been driving far too long, by now you had certainly passed his apartment.</p><p> </p><p>"You'll see." He glanced over at your pondering silence and smirked. "You'll like it."</p><p> </p><p>You passed the next few minutes by trying to calculate Kylo's directions, but you got lost in the turns. He turned onto a street you didn't recognize. The buildings on either side were short and neat, and the whole image of the street seemed polished with white metal benches and shiny silver lamp posts that cut through the dim night sky. Strings of lights illuminated a restaurant on the corner. Kylo pulled to the side, parking in front of one of the shops. You peered at the sign. Chanel.</p><p> </p><p>"I've never been here. How have I never been here?" You turned to him.</p><p> </p><p>"Come." He pushed open his door, and you copied his actions. The winter air nipped at your nose and you pulled your coat closer. Kylo joined you on the sidewalk, his arms bare against the cold, and you turned your neck to look up and down the street at the shops that lined it. Gucci. Louis Vuitton. You wanted to laugh at the sight of a Lululemon. Though, as far as you were concerned it was just as out of budget as the Burberry next to it.</p><p> </p><p>"What are we doing?"</p><p> </p><p>"Let's go in here," he said, ignoring your questions as always.</p><p>You followed him into the large double doors below the twinkling sign that read Chanel. Everything was neutral toned, except for the pale pink couch in the center of the room. There were glass shelves that lined the walls and standing glass cases lined up in the center, all filled with purses and jewelry. A blonde girl with long legs and a blindingly white smile greeted you from behind a counter of sparkling necklaces. You smiled back at her nervously.</p><p> </p><p>"I would have worn something nicer if I knew you were going to randomly interrupt my coffee date and take me to a-" you glanced at a large leather bag on the wall, "- really expensive store." You kept your voice hushed.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo glanced down at your black jeans and sneakers. "That doesn't matter." He stepped up to a glass case, distancing himself from the staring worker, and you followed him, your shoulder brushing his as you scanned the rows of earrings inside. No price tags, you noticed. Must be a rich person thing.</p><p> </p><p>He leaned down until his lips were brushing your hair and he whispered lowly. "You can have anything you want."</p><p> </p><p>You shivered. "Anything?" you breathed.</p><p> </p><p>"Anything."</p><p> </p><p>"Shit," you mumbled, which made him smile with satisfaction.</p><p> </p><p>You stepped away from him and strolled slowly along the walls of the room. Anything. You could have absolutely anything you wanted. There were rows of purses--some leather, some quilted, some covered in rhinestones. There were tables of glittering jewelry: earrings in the shape of flowers, gold layered necklaces, pearl chokers, and endless rows of rings. Entranced in the plentiful array of options, you hand't noticed the blonde worker standing behind the case you were admiring. She smiled at you and you smiled back. This time it wasn't shy. You felt powerful. Here you were in this store with a man in a suit and he was offering you whatever you desired and she would have to watch him buy it for you. The feeling was enthralling. You could see how this sort of thing could be addicting. You could understand now why people bought Porsches and overpriced watches. You glanced back to find Kylo watching you, observing your amazement. So overwhelmed by the idea of choosing something, you had actually forgotten to really look. There was a velvet black purse with gold accents threaded along the quilting, displayed on the shelf across the room. A classic Chanel. Ivy would have killed for it.</p><p> </p><p>The girl's name tag in front of you read Lauren. Leaning forward you asked in a small voice, "How much is that gold and black purse up there." You pointed to it's spot on the shelf.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll go get it," she answered perkily.</p><p> </p><p>"No, no-" You lifted your palms towards her. "Just ballpark."</p><p> </p><p>She scrunched her forehead. "I believe that one is 9."</p><p> </p><p>Your jaw fell open. "Thousand?"</p><p> </p><p>She nodded and you glanced at Kylo, still staring but oblivious to your conversation.</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks," you whispered. Nine thousand fucking dollars? You weren't sure you had ever spent nine thousand dollars on anything at once. And for a purse? You had to admit it was stunning though.</p><p> </p><p>You moved to the cases near the pink couch. They were filled with sunglasses. They were all flashy, big and rectangular with the Chanel logo printed on the side. Not really your thing. You moved on to a round glass table which was covered with patterned scarves, folded and arranged to form a colorful swirl. Your fingers grazed over the silky material. They were lovely. You felt a presence hovering at your side and you glanced behind your shoulder to find Kylo beside you.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry. I'm trying to pick something but there's just so much," you muttered, gesturing around the room.</p><p> </p><p>"You're overthinking it."</p><p> </p><p>You pushed your lips together. His face was always so serious, so unwilling to show any emotion other than lust or selfish amusement. "Maybe. I just can't figure out what my favorite thing is."</p><p> </p><p>"You misunderstood me."</p><p> </p><p>His irises pierced through your skin and you swallowed. "How?"</p><p> </p><p>"You can get as many things as you'd like."</p><p> </p><p>"Jesus, Kylo." You unfolded a scarf, thumbing around for the price tag. You glanced at the square piece of thick paper. "Four hundred."</p><p> </p><p>"Which one do you like?"</p><p> </p><p>You glared at him suspiciously. You were being ridiculous and you knew it, but you couldn't help it. You weren't used to this. Everything about it felt strange. Not the sex for money part. That was the whole point of the arrangement. But walking into a store and allowing him to watch you be greedy, watch you pick out one by one the insanely overpriced items you wanted, and have him slide his card at the end, all that money sliding out of his hands and into yours, was unnerving. You had been expecting random gifts appearing at your door, picked out by his assistant without another thought. That was the way Ivy always received her compensation. This? This felt personal. You couldn't tell if he wanted to watch you act unattractively materialistic or if he just wanted to gloat. You wanted it to be the ladder. You didn't want this to be about you. You weren't sure if you would succeed at whatever test he was setting you up in.</p><p> </p><p>Silently, you picked up a black one with a large Chanel logo, gold with colorful printed shapes that looked like jewels. Ivy would freak. You held it between your fingers and wandered back to the cases in front of Lauren, the busty cashier. Kylo followed you this time, silently looming beside you, observing your fascination. You didn't want a ring. There were too many times rings had slipped off your fingers and under subway seats. A necklace seemed fine but you couldn't imagine trying not to tangle it. That's the thing. What's the point of owning something nice if you didn't have the ability to keep it that way?</p><p> </p><p>A gold bangle with crossed lines running across the circumference, almost making it look braided, caught your eye. Kylo was still watching you as if you were prey to be observed and devoured. You pointed a shy finger over the glass above the bracelet.</p><p> </p><p>"Could I see that one?" you asked.</p><p> </p><p>The girl unlocked the case and gently slipped the bracelet off it's stand. You took it from her with cautious fingers and slipped your wrist into the cut out opening. It fit nicely. The beige gold complimented your skin tone and it looked elegant without being annoying. You imagined it would be hard to break or lose something that was tight fitting and sturdy. You smiled widely, you couldn't help it. The insecure mumblings of your mind disappeared for a moment. It was nice and it was gorgeous and he was going to buy it for you and it felt good to feel special. And rich.</p><p> </p><p>"I like it," you said softly. Your forced your lips together, composing your childish smile. You slipped it off your wrist and placed it back in her hands.</p><p> </p><p>"The scarf too?" she asked. You nodded and handed it too her, glancing at Kylo, his face conveying a hint of satisfaction. She packaged the items in an unnecessary amount of pouches, tissue, and boxes before punching buttons on the tablet in front of her. "Four thousand, seven hundred," she said casually. You hadn't noticed until now that she was chewing gum, smacking it during her sentence. Your stomach dropped and your skin felt cold.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh. I don't want the bracelet. Just the scarf, then."</p><p> </p><p>Lauren glanced between the two of you, and slowly pulled the bracelet out of the neatly packed bag.</p><p> </p><p>"No." Kylo stopped her. You finally looked up at him with nervous eyes. He was mad. You could tell by the sharp line of his jaw and the intensity of his pupils. "She wants the bracelet," he said without looking away from you. "Choose something else."</p><p> </p><p>"What?"</p><p> </p><p>"Get something else," he demanded sternly.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't want anything else," you argued. He was scaring you. The high of getting something expensive had worn off already. It had barely been a week. Almost five thousand dollars for a week? You were taken off guard, completely blind sided by the price of his intentions. He hadn't mentioned anything about payment. This all seemed to be happening too quickly.</p><p> </p><p>The cashier cut in. "What about that purse?"</p><p> </p><p>You shot her a look, trying to communicate a message of 'shut the fuck up'.</p><p> </p><p>"Which one?" Kylo asked, tearing his gaze from you.</p><p> </p><p>The poor girl was visibly anxious, her eyes wide and confused. "The black and gold one. There." She pointed to it. You felt bad for her having to deal with Kylo's uncomfortable dominance. At the same time you wanted to wring her neck for inserting herself where she didn't belong.</p><p> </p><p>"That too, then," Kylo said.</p><p> </p><p>Your heart was hammering in your chest now. The alarm bells in your mind were ringing loudly and you didn't know why. As soon as she stepped away to retrieve it you turned around to face Kylo's stubborn frame.</p><p> </p><p>"No. I don't want it." Your voice wavered.</p><p> </p><p>His silence was deafening and blood was roaring in your ears. You felt panicked. Any minute, when the living form of Barbie returned and rung it up and said the total amount aloud, you were sure you would cry. Not out of joy. Out of a heavy burden of guilt. It had been one week. Surely one week with you could not merit 14k. You didn't even want it. God, you didn't want that stupid fucking purse.</p><p> </p><p>"Please, Kylo, really. I'm-" you took a deep breath. "This is a lot. Just don't get it today. Please."</p><p> </p><p>The girl returned and set the bag on the counter.</p><p> </p><p>"I changed my mind. Sorry. I'll get it some other time." You hoped you sounded as sorry as you felt. She looked at Kylo and so did you. His hazel irises swallowed you whole and he nodded.</p><p> </p><p>You barely registered the rest of the transaction. He paid and you stared at the ground. Your mind was screaming at you. This was stupid. You were being foolish and embarrassing. But there were still hot streaks of blame burning your veins. As soon as she handed you the bag you walked through the glass doors, relishing in the icy air outside. Your chest was heaving, trying to catch your breath that had been unexplainably stolen. There were tears prickling in your eyes. What the fuck is happening?</p><p> </p><p>Kylo's touch at your forearm pulled you closer to reality.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry. Sorry. What's wrong with me? Fuck. Sorry."</p><p> </p><p>He took the bag from your hands and pulled you back to the Porsche, opening your door and guiding you to sit down sideways, heels on the pavement. You avoided his eye contact.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know why I'm freaking out. I'm trying not to I swear," you panted.</p><p> </p><p>"You're having an anxiety attack."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped. "What? No." The aching of your sternum and the watering of your eyes begged to differ.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo stood in front of you wordlessly, the Porsche door wide open. You took deep breaths until your chest was no longer rattling with the effort and your mind was no longer screaming incoherently.</p><p> </p><p>"Why are you being shy with my money?" His words weren't comforting, though you didn't expect them to be. It was near impossible to imagine Kylo coddling you, even after an anxiety attack.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm just not used to that."</p><p> </p><p>"To what?"</p><p> </p><p>"Spending so much money like that. Especially someone else's. I didn't grow up with money, and I left home when I was young, I've never spent a lot on non-necessities. Taking other people's money just feels...wrong, and I know that's the whole point, but Jesus Christ, it would have been, what, 14k?"</p><p> </p><p>A pulse of silence.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," you said again. "This is unprofessional. I feel terrible. I'm very grateful, really. The bracelet is lovely. I love it a lot." You reached for the bag and he let you take it.</p><p> </p><p>"Look at me." You obeyed. "When Snoke hired me, he helped me invest the money I made. It built up quickly. I have more money than one person ever needs, so if I decide to let you spend it, that is not something you need to doubt."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded and opened the black box to pull out the golden bangle and slipped it onto your wrist.</p><p> </p><p>"Say you understand." His voice was gravelly and dark.</p><p> </p><p>"I understand," you whispered.</p><p> </p><p>"Come on." He turned away from you and you stood quickly, closing the car door behind you.</p><p> </p><p>"Where are we going?"</p><p> </p><p>"To get you a dress."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Unzipped</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The clerk at Gucci made you feel a lot better. He dragged you through the clothing racks and pointed out all his favorites. Most of them were weird A line dresses with high necks and unflattering patterns. High end somehow translated to kind of ugly. Eventually however, he helped you find a couple of good options. </p><p> </p><p>You stared into the mirror as you slipped on the first. It was form fitting with thin straps and a low neckline. Goldish beads traced patterns that accentuated your curves. It wasn't bad, but it didn't excite you, so you moved on to the next. It was black and silky with loose off-the-shoulder sleeves, and a V cut neckline, leaving the majority of your chest exposed. You were almost scared one of your tits would pop out. Not that Kylo would be opposed to that, you were sure. You could hear him now, on the phone with someone from work, his voice tense and business like. </p><p> </p><p>You traced the sides of your silhouette in the mirror and turned to look at yourself from every angle. In all honesty, you felt hot and after the embarrassing display of hysteria in Chanel, you needed an ego booster. Maybe Kylo did too. You glanced at your ass one last time before pushing the dressing room door open and stepping out. Kylo was sitting on the lime green couch in front of the giant mirror, elbows on his knees, head tilted to the ground, clearly in a focused conversation. You stepped forward until you were right in front of him and cleared your throat. His head snapped up, and though his voice didn't waver, his eyes grazed the length of the fabric clinging to your skin. </p><p> </p><p>"Can you zip me?" You turned around and pulled your hair to your front. </p><p> </p><p>"Shut up for a minute, Vicrul." </p><p> </p><p>You watched him through the mirror as his hands pulled the zipper up your back slowly, phone still in one hand. When it reached the top, he stopped to look at your reflection, dark irises soaking in the sight of your figure. His fingers traced the sides of your waist, skimming down to your thighs where he thumbed at the hem. </p><p> </p><p>"You like it?" you breathed. </p><p> </p><p>"Hmm," he hummed, throatily. </p><p> </p><p>"You can unzip me now," you said, trying to keep your voice steady. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you trying to tempt me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Do you feel tempted?" You smiled at him through the mirror. </p><p> </p><p>He brought his phone up to his ear. "I'll call you back." He hung up without waiting for a reply, and grabbed your wrist dragging you to the fitting room, and slamming the door behind you. </p><p> </p><p>"Here?" You chuckled but it was cut short by his desperate lips on yours, the warmth of his mouth invading your skin. You moaned against him and reached for the top button of his shirt, popping it open before moving on to the next and the next until his torso was exposed and your tongue was filled with his minty taste. Your hands explored his bare chest and abdomen, smoothing along the curves of muscle and enjoying the warmth of his skin under your fingertips. He pushed against you forcefully until you collided with the wall. It felt so good to have him against you like this after what had happened earlier. 48 hours without him meant 48 hours of his missing his body, his tongue, his cock. </p><p> </p><p>His mouth left yours and relocated to the skin under your collarbones, kissing a messy trail to the line of fabric covering your cleavage. He pulled at the top of the neckline until the fabric gathered beneath your breasts. You didn't have time to close your lips before he attacked your tits with his mouth. You whined too loudly and clasped your hand over your mouth. </p><p> </p><p>He pulled his mouth from your nipple and whispered, "Shhh," only inches from your skin. You wrapped your hands into his hair and leaned your head against the wall behind you, cunt starting to clench and drip at the feeling of his tongue tracing your areola. </p><p> </p><p>You tugged at his velvet locks. "We have to hurry." You weren't so sure he felt the same way. Kylo probably would have had no problem taking his time, letting the employees knock at the door and whisper to each other about what they thought you were doing. Nonetheless, he sympathized with your eagerness, and yanked your dress up your thighs. You broke away from each other, you pulling off your underwear, Kylo unbuckling his belt. Without warning Kylo kneeled in front of you and pressed his lips against your inner thigh, his nose tickling the tender skin only centimeters from your cunt. You pushed against the top of his head, forcing his face away. "No time," you whispered. He stood up and unzipped his pants, pulling the fabric down until his cock, hard and throbbing, sprung free. You didn't think much before you dropped to your knees and wrapped your fingers around his shaft. This whole day had been fucked up by your inability to control your emotions and now, you wanted to will away your anxiety of being caught and remind him why he wanted you in the first place. </p><p> </p><p>He fisted a clump of hair on the back of your head and pulled, yanking you back until your face was angled up towards him. You continued to pump your hand up and down his length, while peering at him through your eyelashes. "I thought there was no time," he said.</p><p> </p><p>"I lied." You smiled and for a second, he looked at you like he had completely forgotten about everything that had happened, and then his grip on your hair loosened and you shoved his dick into your mouth. You had underestimated how much of him would fit. The tip of his cock grazed the back of your throat and you choked. Too ambitious, too soon. You continued to work your  hands at the base of his shaft, while your mouth bobbed at the rest, struggling to take it all. Kylo swore under his breath and leaned his palms against the wall behind you. The sight of his pleasure urged you forward and you forced his dick deeper, letting yourself gag at the feeling of his cock filling the back of your throat. Drool dripped through your lips and your chin and tears stung in your eyes. His hold on your hair tightened and he rocked his hips into you, as you sputtered and choked around him. </p><p> </p><p>"Look at you, sucking my cock like a desperate slut," he growled, watching you gag and groan around him. You wanted to shush him, remind him of your surroundings, but there was no point. Your mouth was occupied. "You want to be fucked with this cock?" You whimpered around his length. He pulled his dick out of your mouth unexpectedly, and your jaw snapped shut, relieved of it's stretching. </p><p>Your head hung low as you wiped the drool from your chin and the small pool of tears from the corners of your eyes, and you stood up to be met with his lips moving feverishly against yours. It was a nice surprise, but it didn't last long. He hoisted you up, wrapping your legs around his body, and slammed his dick into your entrance with no hesitation or warning. You gasped at the stretching force of his huge cock pushing against your walls. Your nails clutched onto his wide shoulders as he pressed you against the wall and thrust into you roughly and quickly. Your cunt was being torn apart with pleasure, warm rivers of bliss rushing through your core. </p><p> </p><p>"My good girl, letting me fuck her anywhere," he muttered lowly into your ear. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded quickly, scared to open your mouth, and squeezed your eyes shut. A knock on the door sent them wide open. Kylo paused, dick lodged inside of your aching cunt, and stared at your face, looking annoyingly unbothered. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey, hun, you doing all right? Need another size or anything?" the kind worker's voice rang out from the other side the door. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo grinned, a wicked smile forming on his lips, and he started thrusting into you again slowly but deeply. Your face screwed up in pleasure and concentration. "Yes! I'm fine, almost done!" you called out, pouring your energy into keeping your voice steady. It wasn't exactly a lie. His footsteps faded as he left the area, and Kylo picked up his ruthless pace, cock pushing against your walls, practically hitting your stomach. You whispered a string of curse words and ground your hips to meet his with each stroke. The sound of your heavy breaths echoed through the cramped space. Kylo's eyelids were half closed, his lips pressed together tightly, a perfectly carved statue of devilish desire. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck I'm close," you panted, heat bundling tighter in your cunt. Your hand reached out against the wall searching for support, and found the metal hanging rack. You gripped onto it, fingers holding tightly as Kylo rocked into you. </p><p> </p><p>"Ask permission," he demanded lowly. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo, please let me cum," you muttered. </p><p> </p><p>He slammed into you deeper and you shrieked, despite your best efforts to stay silent. Your head  hung forward as your body jolted and your cunt clenched as your orgasm rocked into you. Electrifying pleasure hummed at your core and your legs trembled around Kylo's torso, your muscles warm and weak. Kylo thrusted into you once, twice, and a third time before he twitched and filled you with hot strings of cum. He managed to contain his moans better than you, trapping them in his chest, short breaths the only sign of his unraveling. </p><p> </p><p>A moment of blissful stillness, and then he mumbled, "fuck" and pulled out of you. You held onto the wall as he set you down, not bothering to help steady your unstable legs per usual. He tucked his dick back into his pants and searched for his shirt, finding it and sliding his arms through it. You slid on your underwear and tried to reach for your zipper but with no success. </p><p> </p><p>"Can you unzip me?" you asked softly, interrupting his fingers that were working to button his shirt. You peered at him through the small mirror as his fingers took hold of the zipper and he pulled it down your back. You had expected him to step away, to button his shirt and slip out of the fitting room without a word, but his fingers pushed at the top of your sleeves until they fell free from your arms. You pushed the fabric around your hips down and let it pool at your feet. He pressed his lips to your shoulders gently and pulled away to observe your mostly naked body in the mirror. You met his eyes through the reflection. They were dark, but not desperate. He placed another kiss to your shoulder before stepping back and continuing to button his shirt. You dressed yourself quickly, anxious at the thought of the employees hearing your mid-orgasm yelp. Surprisingly enough, Kylo waited until you were done to open the door, stepping out completely unafraid of the possible presence of workers. Thank god, the area was empty. You followed him back into the clothing section and he started heading towards the front of the store to check out. </p><p> </p><p>"Wait," you announced. You crossed to the far wall of the women's section where a rack of lingerie stood proudly. You shifted through them quickly, pulling out your favorite, a simple black lacy two piece, and added it to the hand gripping the hanger of your dress. You crossed back over to him. "Okay."</p><p> </p><p>But he didn't budge. He pulled at your hand, forcing you to extend your arm and grant him a full view of what you had chose. He glanced over the small collection of lace. </p><p> </p><p>"It's okay?" You scraped your teeth against your lip. Maybe you had been too greedy, picking something out without permission. </p><p> </p><p>He yanked the hangers from your hands and nodded towards the rack. "Get another." You smiled widely, relieved and somewhat proud of yourself, and returned to the rack to choose another set. This time you found a maroon one, a one piece with a low sloping neckline. You weren't sure he would like a one piece, though it was so incredibly see through you doubted he would mind. New addition in hand you returned to his side and held it forward slightly so that he could judge it. He glanced at it, then glanced at your body. He nodded his approval.</p><p> </p><p>You thought you would be blushing crimson with humiliation when the cashier scanned your choices, but she didn't seem fazed by it, and you couldn't help but feel utterly full of yourself. In the end the total was more than you wanted to hear but you reminded yourself of what Kylo had said. </p><p> </p><p>The walk to the car was comfortably silent and the seats of the Prius greeted you with cool leather. Kylo started the car and you leaned your head back against the headrest. </p><p> </p><p>"I've never had sex in a dressing room," you thought out loud. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo chuckled, the Prius whipping through the dim streets. </p><p> </p><p>"Have you?" you asked. </p><p> </p><p>He nodded and smiled smugly. "College."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm." You stared at the flashing streetlights flickering pale light across your face. "Was it that good?" </p><p> </p><p>He tore his eyes from the road to stare at you through the darkness. "No."</p><p> </p><p>You pressed the back of your hand against your lips and laughed warm air onto your skin. </p><p> </p><p>"Good."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. You're Forgetting My Name</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Is everything okay?" </p><p> </p><p>Kylo tore his gaze from the flickering candle. He looked tired, even more than that night on his balcony, the dark rings of purple plastered under his hooded eyes even darker now. The plate of steak in front of him was still mostly full and his mind had been wandering throughout the whole meal. You tried to make conversation but you could tell he wasn't up for it, staring into space for minutes at a time as if you weren't even there. It was more concerning than offensive. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm." </p><p> </p><p>You took a sip of wine and pushed your empty plate towards to the side. </p><p> </p><p>The restaurant was gorgeous with white tablecloths lining the tables and large windows displaying the lighted skyline. There was a stone fireplace on one wall and lavish chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. Sitting here in your new black dress, across from Kylo, looking especially handsome in a fully black suit ensemble, should have felt perfect. But the absence of his focus dampened the fairytale. You wondered why he took you out to dinner at all if he wasn't in the right headspace for it. No part of you was angry. Just confused. You didn't want him to do things just because he thought he had to. </p><p> </p><p>"Your mind is somewhere else," you observed aloud, careful that no hint of threat was in your tone. </p><p> </p><p>"Work," he answered bluntly.   </p><p> </p><p>"Your stress is contagious." </p><p> </p><p>He frowned but didn't reply. </p><p> </p><p>The waitress appeared at the table and dropped off the check with a smile. You thanked her and Kylo slipped his card into the leather booklet, not bothering to glance at the receipt. </p><p> </p><p>"You shouldn't worry about work on the weekends," you leaned forward, elbows resting on the table, and fidgeted with the gold bangle on your wrist. You hadn't taken it off in the last 24 hours since he'd bought it for you. </p><p> </p><p>"Weekends aren't really weekends for me."</p><p> </p><p>"Then when do you get a break?"</p><p> </p><p>"I don't."</p><p> </p><p>You sighed and gulped down another mouthful of wine. "That doesn't seem fair."</p><p> </p><p>A figure approached the table, but you kept your eyes on Kylo's blank expression, assuming it was the waitress. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo?"</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes shot up. The girl was tall, at least taller than you, with wide hips and perky breasts. Her long brunette hair cascaded down her shoulders and rested against the red fabric of her tight fitting dress. Kylo sat up and reached out to shake her hand. </p><p> </p><p>"Abigail, good to see you." He was forcing a polite smile, but his shoulders were wide and alert. You pushed away the jealously bubbling in your chest. </p><p> </p><p>"It's been a while, huh?" She brushed her hand over his shoulder and you shifted in your seat uncomfortably. The girl, Abigail apparently, looked at you as if she had been oblivious of your presence until now . "Oh, hi," she said.  </p><p> </p><p>"Oh this is, uh, uh-" Kylo gestured toward you, brows knitted. </p><p> </p><p>Your face fell for a moment, but you covered it quickly with a warm grin. Asshole couldn't even think of your name. You cut his stuttering off quickly, introducing yourself. </p><p> </p><p>"Nice to meet you. Great dress," she answered sweetly.</p><p> </p><p>You glanced down at the low cut neckline. "Oh, thank you. Yours too." It was hard to hate her when she was being so nice. </p><p> </p><p>"I won't intrude any longer," she said, leaning over to kiss Kylo on the cheek. "Good to see you." And then she sauntered off, hips swaying, heels clicking. </p><p> </p><p>You pressed your lips together and stared at Kylo, who was oblivious to your anger. With a sip of wine and a deep breath, you built up the strength to speak in a calm tone. "Who was that?" you asked, desperately trying to keep your voice free of accusation. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh." He glanced towards the door she had left through. "I had an arrangement with her last year."</p><p> </p><p>Oh, god. You just met one of Kylo's past sugar babies. You couldn't even muster up any feelings of hatred for her model legs or perfect ass. More than anything you wanted to rewind time and pull her aside, maybe ask if she'd like to join you on a trip to the powder room, and then trap her and ask her how to deal with Kylo and his coldness. Surely she had some sort of solution, some tricks of the trade she had adapted in order to tolerate his attitude. </p><p> </p><p>"She was nice."</p><p> </p><p>He squinted at you. "Are you jealous?"</p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>"Why not?"</p><p> </p><p>You grinned and wrapped your palm around the metal encircling your wrist. "I'm the one sitting across from you, now, aren't I?"</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Kylo's apartment was eerily dim and quiet. Kylo loosened his tie and strode into the kitchen. </p><p> </p><p>"Wine?" he asked. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, none for me. Water's fine." You leaned against the counter and watched him open a bottle and pour some of the deep red liquid into a glass. You had spent the last thirty minutes in the restaurant and car trying to talk down your annoyance. The scene of him stuttering, trying to recall what your fucking name was, replayed on an endless loop in your brain. Not only was it upsetting, but it had been utterly humiliating. The thought of it made your neck burn. </p><p> </p><p>You tapped your fingers across the granite as Kylo handed you a glass of water.</p><p> </p><p>"So, it's not a big deal-" Lies! Fucking lies. It was a big deal. Maybe it shouldn't be. In fact, bringing it up was childish and you knew it. You shouldn't pick fights with him, that's not what your purpose here was. But you wouldn't be able to forget it unless you mentioned it. "But did you, like, forget my name when you were introducing me to Abigail?" You stared into your glass. </p><p> </p><p>"Of course not."</p><p> </p><p>You licked your lips. "It just seemed like you couldn't, uh, think of it or something."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't be ridiculous." His voice was stern. </p><p> </p><p>You regretted bring it up. "Okay. Sorry."</p><p> </p><p>"You apologize too much."</p><p> </p><p>He grabbed the bottle of wine and strolled across the kitchen, before tucking it into a cabinet. You chuckled, faced screwed up in confusion. </p><p> </p><p>"What are you doing?"</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm?"</p><p> </p><p>His eyes were drooping even more now, glazed over. You crossed the kitchen, pulled the bottle from the cupboard, and found an empty spot for it in the door of the fridge. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you on drugs?"</p><p> </p><p>He laughed dryly. "No."</p><p> </p><p>You stepped in front of him, inches from his chest, and peered into his foggy irises. </p><p> </p><p>"Then what's wrong?"</p><p> </p><p>He shook his head. "I haven't slept in a couple days."</p><p> </p><p>"Why?"</p><p> </p><p>"Work."</p><p> </p><p>"You stayed awake all weekend to work?"</p><p> </p><p>He answered with a heavy sigh. You're anger vanished, it seemed silly and distant now. You tugged on the opening of his suit jacket. "Why don't you go change?" You took the wine glass from his hands, and he peered at you stubbornly until he eventually gave up and disappeared into the bedroom. Slipping out of your heels, you shuffled to the couch and sank into the cushions. </p><p> </p><p>Minutes later Kylo came out in black sweatpants and a black shirt, hair messy, like he had combed through it while he was gone. He sat next to you and leaned his head against the back of the leather sofa. You weren't happy that he wasn't sleeping but still, it was nice to have sleepy Kylo again. His exhaustion tended to fracture the high, industrial steel walls built in his mind. You wouldn't mind seeing them crumble. </p><p> </p><p>"My head is pounding," he mumbled, eyes closed. </p><p> </p><p>You shifted against the cushions and untucked your legs from underneath yourself. </p><p> </p><p>"Come here," you said quietly and patted your lap. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo turned his neck to squint at you, his jaw tight and uncertain. </p><p> </p><p>You patted your lap again. "I'll play with your hair. For your headache."</p><p> </p><p>His lips twitched and he stared at your lap considering your offer. You tilted your head and watched the curious expression on his face as his thoughts roared behind his eyes. Oh to know what game of tug of war his mind was playing. Finally, and much to your relief, he shifted, sitting up before lowering his head onto the top of your thighs. He laid with his face away from you, the back of his head brushing your stomach. Butterflies were soaring in your gut and you couldn't help but smile widely, knowing he couldn't see you. </p><p> </p><p>You wasted no time and pushed your fingers into his hair, making neat strokes from the curls framing his face to the short tangled locks at his neck, letting your nails graze his scalp. You couldn't see his face, which was largely disappointing, but his shoulders were relaxed and his breathing slow, which showed promise. Seeing him like this, curled up on the couch, head in your lap like a little kid was so pure and innocent it was almost hard to grasp. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't like seeing you miserable," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>You hadn't expected him to answer, so the low rumble of his voice was a pleasant surprise. "I'm not miserable."</p><p> </p><p>"No, you're just sleep deprived and forgetting my name."</p><p> </p><p>He moved his head fractionally changing his position. "I'm not." He whispered your name at the end of his sentence and a shiver floated through your spine. </p><p> </p><p>You continued to run your fingers through his silky curls and relaxed into the cushion behind you, the only noise in the room the small buzzing of the heating system. Minutes passed, you couldn't be sure how many, but Kylo's breathing became steady and slow and you wondered if he was even awake still. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo?" you whispered. No answer. </p><p> </p><p>Without disrupting his position, you leaned forward slowly and tilted your head to see his face. His eyes were closed, lips relaxed and jaw soft. He looked so calm, so sweet, almost kind. You wished he could always be like this, relaxed and at peace. For a moment, you let yourself pretend that this is who Kylo Ren really was, a sweet boy who fell asleep on your lap without a cruel bone in his body. You leaned your head against the back of the couch and let your eyes flutter shut, letting sleep overcome you with the thought of an innocent Kylo painting your dreams. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>There was a firm hand on the back of your thigh and pressure against a spot on your spine. Your face was pressed against something soft. It smelled like cologne, like Kylo. You pried your eyes open through the haze of sleep and recognized Kylo's shoulder, behind it the dim living room growing smaller. </p><p> </p><p>"Hmm?" you hummed and tried to move your head but it was heavy and your muscles were stubborn. Then the room turned dark and you heard the small click of the door closing. Your skin was met with the cool touch of silk sheets and you sank into the mattress, pulling the pillow under your head. You reached down to pull up the comforter but Kylo beat you to it, brining it up to your shoulders. You could hear ruffled movement and the bed shifted with Kylo's weight as he rested next to you. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you mumbled, voice muffled with sleep. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi." His voice was deep and gravelly with sleep too and if you were more awake you might have smiled at it. </p><p> </p><p>"Does your head still hurt?" you slurred and scooted forward, searching for the warmth of his body. Being half conscious made you brave, apparently. </p><p> </p><p>"No." </p><p> </p><p>Your fingers found him first and you curled into him, your face resting against the muscle of his bare chest, a luxury you hadn't been expecting since he had been wearing a t shirt only a minute ago. </p><p> </p><p>"Not even a little?"</p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, good."</p><p> </p><p>He was tense beneath you and your insecurity pierced you even in your foggy state. You pulled away, breaking any contact you had with his skin, but hovered only inches away, arms wrapped around yourself. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry we didn't have sex," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>He chuckled, caught off guard. </p><p> </p><p>"We can do it now, if you want," you added.</p><p> </p><p>"You're half asleep." </p><p> </p><p>"No, I'm perfectly awake," you mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>"No you're not. Neither am I." Kylo practically hummed his words, slow and smooth and a little enchanting. </p><p> </p><p> "If we're having a conversation we must be pretty awake," you sighed. </p><p> </p><p>"Hmm." </p><p> </p><p>You lifted your arm above your head and skated your fingers across the silk until you found his pillow, then his hair. You brushed your fingers through the delicate waves, but a tension on your bicep restricted your movements. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, I'm still in my dress," you whispered. You propped yourself up on your elbow and tried to reach for the zipper, though you already knew you couldn't. </p><p> </p><p>"I can't reach the zipper," you grumbled, flipping around so that your back was to him. </p><p> </p><p>"I know." His fingers tickled your back as he pulled the zipper. You pushed the sleeves down your arms and wiggled the skirt portion off your legs, tossing the dress to a random spot on the floor. You hadn't bothered to wear a bra, leaving  your breasts now exposed to the cool air. Kylo's fingertips were still skating across your shoulder blades, and you pushed yourself backwards towards his body. His hand glided down your back to your waist, and then up again to brush your tit. He kneaded the flesh in his palm before rolling your nipple between his finger. You pushed backwards again, until your back was flush with his chest, and you ground your ass into his groin. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm almost awake now," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>He responded by grabbing your waist and flipping you over, his lips finding yours in the almost complete darkness. You moaned into his mouth and his tongue slipped between your teeth. He tasted like wine. Beneath the layers of sheets, his fingers grazed your underwear and you thrust your hips forward, silently begging for his touch. He obeyed, slipping his hand under the fabric and slowly dragging a finger up and down your slit. You shuddered and ran your fingers down his torso, mimicking his actions by slipping your hand into his boxers. You brushed your thumb over his tip, spreading his pre cum and lightly dragged your fingers down his length. He groaned against your lips and you gave in, pumping his cock in your palm while he slipped a finger into your slick entrance. Legs spreading wider, you gasped against his lips, feeling him grow harder under your touch. </p><p> </p><p>"Can we cum just like this?" you mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm." </p><p> </p><p>He pushed another finger into you and you whimpered, desperation building in your core. Your mind was foggy with need and exhaustion. You rocked your hips against his palm as his fingers pushed into you. His lips moved to your neck, sucking and nipping at the tender skin, surely leaving behind purple marks. With each stroke on his cock, you ran your thumb over the head, before moving back down his shaft. His breaths were deep, his mouth abusing the skin of your throat. A third finger rammed into you and your cunt clenched, pleasure invading your center. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, fuck," you breathed, squirming under his touch. You were already close, your sleepiness destroying your usual endurance. </p><p> </p><p>His thumb found your clit and rubbed slow, steady circles. You yelped and pushed your hips forward, desperate for more and more pressure. Your hand stroked faster at his dick, and warmth pooled in your cunt, your clit tingling. </p><p> </p><p>"Who else could make you cum just from their fingers?" Kylo asked, his voice low and hungry. He curled his fingers making them brush against your walls, while your clit was still throbbing under his thumb. "Answer me." </p><p> </p><p>You shuddered, tilting off the ledge, pussy aching. "No one- fuck- no one else." And then your orgasm hit, slithering soft prickling heat through your body. You slurred jumbled nonsense into the still air while pleasure rippled through your skin. Kylo didn't stop his movements, slowly pumping his fingers into you, thumb still pressed against your clit. You whimpered as you came down from the high and clamped your legs shut around his hand, thighs trembling from the overstimulation. He pushed his thumb harder against your bud and you jolted, pushing at his wrist until he slipped out of you. You caught your breathe for a few seconds, and slowly continued to stroke up and down his dick. You weren't sure if your hand had maintained its movement during your orgasm, it was all a blur, but either way he hadn't cum yet. </p><p> </p><p>You sat up slowly, keeping the blood from draining from your head too quickly, and pushed your hair to one side. Kylo pushed from his side onto his back, and gathered your hair in his hand, recognizing your intent. Through your blissful daze you leaned down and wrapped the head of his cock in your lips, swirling your tongue over it, tasting his pre cum. He tugged on your hair, and you moaned around him, wrapping your fingers around the base of his shaft and making small strokes. You slid your mouth down his length as far as you could, and brought it up, bobbing his cock into your mouth again and again. </p><p> </p><p>Swearing harshly under his breath, he pushed your head down until his tip scratched the back of your throat. You gagged and pulled away instinctively, catching your breath for only a second, before licking his tip and stuffing his cock into your mouth once again. Drool coated your mouth, dribbling onto your chin, and your jaw ached, but you kept going, pushing his dick as deep as you could while your hands stroked the rest of his length. With his free hand, Kylo gripped your tit, tugging on your nipple and kneading the soft flesh. You groaned, your mouth vibrating against his cock, and he slammed your head down again, making you choke and whimper. This time you kept yourself there, allowing him to ram himself against your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, good girl," he panted. </p><p> </p><p>You felt him twitch and you braced yourself as warm cum filled the back of your throat. He tugged at your hair and you pulled off of him, eyes watering. You swallowed, or at least tried to though half of it spilled out of your mouth and down your neck. Sitting back on your heels, you pulled in deep breaths while Kylo did the same. </p><p>Eventually he moved, sliding off the bed, and you allowed your head to hang, hair shielding your face, exhausted. By the time he returned you had caught your breath and your eyelids were drooping. He sat next to you and you lifted your face, though you couldn't see him well. You could make out his hand reaching for your face, and then the soft fabric of a towel wiped against your chin and down your throat, cleaning away his sperm. His touch was soft, and completely surprising. You wanted to reach out and kiss him, or maybe thank him, but you were too comfortable in your awe to move. Once your chest was dry, he stepped away from the bed again, and you laid back down, wrapping your self in the covers and waiting for him. You tried to think of something to say, something sweet to return the minuscule glance of affection he had just showed you. Your mind could only draw blanks. The mattress shifted and he returned to his pillow, an arm's reach away. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo?" you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"Mmm?"</p><p> </p><p>You scooted forward, wanting to be closer to his body, his warmth. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know."</p><p> </p><p>Deafening silence. </p><p> </p><p>"Goodnight," you breathed. </p><p> </p><p>He answered with his hands. Gentle fingers grazed your thigh, and you sighed, letting sleep pull you under.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Interruption</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>*warning: ladies, we're about to get pounded! and it's going to get a little rough. If you do not understand the difference between abuse and inflicting pain for pleasure, don't read this! please! understand kinks before you read stories with them. I'm not here to make anyone think actual physical abuse is okay. anyways, enjoy ;)  this might be my fav chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Waking up in Kylo's empty bed was always disappointing. You wondered if you'd ever wake up to find that he was still there, hair splayed out against his pillow, lips parted while he took slow deep breaths in his sleep. </p><p> </p><p>You stretched your arms above your head, relishing the feel of the warm sheets, and sat up slowly, blinking the sleep from your eyes. A faint rumbling vibrated through the air and you reached for your phone on the nightstand, but what sat next to it made you pause. A note. The first note you'd woken up to from him. You snatched it up quickly and a silver object fell from it's folds, bumping your leg before landing on the mattress. A key. </p><p> </p><p>The note read:</p><p>Be here when I get back. About 6. </p><p>Wear the red one. </p><p>- K</p><p> </p><p>You smiled at his initial, a big, dramatic cursive K with loose loops. His handwriting was neat and small, all in cursive. You stared at it until you remembered your phone. It was already 10. And Ivy had texted you. </p><p> </p><p>V: I hope you're up because I'm walking to Outskirt for breakfast. Get out of Kylo's bed and I'll buy you a cinnamon roll!! </p><p> </p><p>And a second one:</p><p> </p><p>V: Wake up! Pls I'm starving! Did you have crazy sex?? If so, you must be RAVISHED</p><p> </p><p>You're phone vibrated again. A third text: </p><p> </p><p>V: Nothing a cinnamon roll can't fix</p><p> </p><p>You chuckled and pushed to the edge of your bed, toes touching the dark wooden floor. </p><p> </p><p>Jesus Christ, I'm up, I'm up.</p><p> </p><p>You pressed send and searched the floor for your dress, finding it at the end of the bed in a wrinkled heap. Fuck. Breakfast in your thousand dollar Gucci dress? It was your only option. </p><p> </p><p>You got ready quickly, brushing your teeth and hair in the bathroom and making Kylo's bed as neatly as you could, before slipping on your heels and hurrying out the door and down the elevator. The sun was out, a rare occurrence during Boston's winter, and you savored the warmth against your pale face. Your heels clicked against the concrete as you strode in the direction of Outskirt Cafe. You got a few odd glances, all of them judgmental, at your outfit, off the shoulder dress from last night and Ivy's silver pumps. Your hair was messy too, the curls halfway gone, your baby hairs untamed. You were the definition of walk of shame, minus the actual embarrassment. You didn't give one fuck.</p><p> </p><p>Your aching feet were relieved when the front of the Cafe came into sight, and you walked faster practically jogging, desperate to sit down and eat. When you walked through the door you spotted Ivy immediately, sitting criss cross on the tan couch, your regular spot. She dropped her jaw at the sight of you and threw her head back laughing. </p><p> </p><p>"So nice of you to get all dressed up for me," she said, her smile bright and contagious. </p><p> </p><p>"Shut up," you groaned, laughing with her. You sat next to her and popped off your heels, seeing that the cafe was mostly vacant. Ivy handed you a warm plate holding a perfectly messy cinnamon roll. "Thanks, I'm so hungry." You broke off a giant piece with your fork and stuffed it in your mouth. Fuck yeah, it was good. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy raised her eyebrows. "Tell me about your night?"</p><p> </p><p>You rolled your eyes, struggling to chew the too-big bite. "Dinner was weird, cause he was really tired. But the rest of it was nice."</p><p> </p><p>"You fucked?"</p><p> </p><p>You chuckled and took a sip of the full mug in front of you. "God, you're so crude. No, but yes."</p><p> </p><p>"What does that even mean? How do you kind of  fuck?"</p><p> </p><p>"We were tired so we just took, uh, shortcuts, you know."</p><p> </p><p>Ivy nibbled at her cheese danish. </p><p> </p><p>"Did you go to Poe's?" you asked. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah."</p><p> </p><p>"How was it?"</p><p> </p><p>"Fine. He's annoying sometimes. Clingy."</p><p> </p><p>You took another bite of the cinnamon pastry and scoffed. "Wow, that actually sounds nice."</p><p> </p><p>"Cause Kylo's an ass?"</p><p> </p><p>"He's not."</p><p> </p><p>"Why do you do that?"</p><p> </p><p>"Do what?"</p><p> </p><p>Her tone was serious now. "Why do you defend him? You don't have to. You're allowed to talk shit about him, I mean, you act like you have this allegiance with him."</p><p> </p><p>"I just don't think he's as bad as you think."</p><p> </p><p>"But why does that matter?"</p><p> </p><p>You frowned and set your plate on the low wooden table. "I'm confused."</p><p> </p><p>She sighed. "It shouldn't matter whether he's a nice guy or an asshole or something else. It shouldn't be tied to your feelings at all. I'm worried you're getting too invested."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not." You could feel yourself getting defensive, frustration tight in your throat.</p><p> </p><p>"You smile when you talk about him."</p><p> </p><p>"I smile a lot, that doesn't mean anything."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, okay." She raised her hands in surrender. "I wasn't trying to start something. I'm just looking out for you."</p><p> </p><p>"I know. I'm fine though."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, good, then it's fine."</p><p> </p><p>You sighed and changed the subject, asking another question about Poe. Ivy followed your lead away from the conversation, but her concern was still roaring in the back of your mind. Kylo was cold and distant. He had rows and rows of emotional walls built and he had barely showed an ounce of affection. That didn't matter anyway. Even if he did show affection, it wouldn't mean anything, you reminded yourself. You were getting paid. It wasn't real. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>6:14</p><p>You set your phone on the counter and checked yourself in the mirror for the tenth time in the past twenty minutes. The crimson lingerie had fit perfectly, thank god, and you had to admit it was sexy. The neckline was deep and the whole thing was lacy and incredibly see through. There was no doubt he would like it. Your gut was knotted with nervousness knowing he would be home any minute, with every intention of fucking you senseless. You had spent the last twenty minutes imagining it, and your cunt was already tingling, wetness pooling just at the thought. </p><p> </p><p>The sound of the front door thudding shut made you jump. You shot out of the bathroom and onto the bed, heart thumping against your sternum. You fidgeted with your position. Laying down? Sitting on the edge? You opted for sitting against the headboard, legs bent slightly. You held your breath listening for his footsteps, a swarm of buzzing erupting in your stomach. Your fingers were shaking against the silk sheets and your breathing was already growing quicker. The door opened. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was wearing a gray suit, hair neatly pushed back. He looked well rested, his under-eyes brighter, which made some nurturing part of you feel relieved. He raked his eyes over your body and shut the door behind him. You felt naked, well you practically were, but a different kind of naked. Like he was seeing more than just skin, some underneath part, something deeper and scarier. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you said softly. </p><p> </p><p>He loosened his tie, approaching the bed in strong strides. His eyes were cloudy with desire and you cowered under his gaze with nervous lips pressed together, pulling your legs closer to your chest. He paused at the side of the bed, and turned to the night stand, yanking open the drawer and pulling out a long black strip of fabric. </p><p> </p><p>"You need a safe word," he said, leaning onto the bed and holding the tie taut in his hands. </p><p> </p><p>Recognizing his actions, you pushed your wrists forwards and in front of you, hovering above the black band. Your skin was growing warmer with the realization of what he wanted to do, and you had to admit you wanted it. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, um," you watched as he knotted the fabric around your wrists, an expert apparently. You were still wearing your bangle. It shimmered even in the dimness. "Gold?"</p><p> </p><p>"Okay. Gold."</p><p> </p><p>You laid back wrists tied in front of you, while Kylo slipped off his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. This wasn't what you were expecting and you felt strange that he hadn't mentioned it before, but you certainly didn't mind, even if there was a swarm of butterflies in your gut. </p><p> </p><p>Once his shirt was off, he grasped your knees and pulled them apart, revealing your body, and pushed your hands above your head. He soaked in the view for only a moment before leaning down and pressing his lips to yours. His hands explored the canvas of lace covering you, squeezing your hips between his fingers and dragging his palms up your torso until he reached your breasts. The taste of mint on his tongue was warm and familiar. It made your chest ache with sentiment and your cunt throb with need. It was strange that you could still want him, want this, for the third day in a row. If this was an arrangement, he was getting the short end, paying for something you wouldn't mind doing for free. You'd never tell him that though. </p><p> </p><p>His enormous hands kneaded your tits, thumbing at your nipples through the lace. You arched your back, searching for friction, hating that his body was only hovering over yours. He pulled away from your mouth and pressed your waist back into the mattress. </p><p> </p><p>"No," is all he said. </p><p> </p><p>He lowered his head and kissed below your collarbone. </p><p> </p><p>"You're mine, hmm?" he mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>Your chest was rising higher with each kiss nearing your tits, hands still bound above your head. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, yes," you breathed, wriggling as his mouth reached the sloping neckline. You were more his than he probably realized. </p><p> </p><p>He left wet kisses scattered over your breasts, tongue wetting the fabric, and you pulled your arms down instinctively, resting them in his curls. His fingers grasped your wrists and shoved them harshly back above you. </p><p> </p><p>"That's not allowed," he mumbled again your breasts. "I won't tell you again." </p><p> </p><p>His mouth closed around your nipple, sucking on it through the lace and you moaned, arching into him, careful to keep your hands pressed against the pillows, though the urge to touch him was overwhelming. The feeling of the lace pressed beneath his tongue was dizzying and you could feel wetness gathering between your legs, your clit already aching with need. His hand grazed your cunt and you spread your legs further, expecting satisfying friction. Instead he pulled at the fabric roughly and ripped the lace apart cleanly. </p><p> </p><p>You gasped and frowned. "Fuck, I liked this one!" </p><p> </p><p>"I'll get you another," he replied throatily, sliding the fabric up your body until it's straps were caught on your wrists. </p><p> </p><p>His mouth attacked your tits agains, yanking ruthlessly at the skin with his teeth, scattering purple welts across your flesh. Your pushed your wrists against your scalp, trying desperately to remind yourself to keep them there. Unable to urge him on with your hands, you used your voice, whimpering and whispering curses under your breath. His mouth left your tits and you sighed. You were dripping by now, you could feel it seeping across your core. Kylo pushed himself off the bed and grabbed your hips, dragging them to the edge of the mattress. The sight of him kneeling in front of your cunt could almost produce tears into your eyes. He wrapped his hands around your thighs and scattered kisses against your inner thighs. Your breathing was outrunning you, your mouth hung open in anticipation. You were nervous. Plenty of mouths had been on your cunt, you weren't ashamed of it, but the idea of Kylo's was terrifying and intimidating. You shifted beneath him, trying to push your pussy towards him. He chuckled, that beautiful low laugh, and dragged his tongue up your slit. You shuddered, rocking your hips forward. His tongue slid against you, gathering your juices, and you panted. Your clit was throbbing and begging for attention, though you were sure Kylo was aware of this. His tongue pressed against your entrance and you squirmed beneath him, panting. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, fuck, fuck, please," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>A finger slipped inside you and you yelped. He dragged his tongue up and down, brushing over your clit as he added another finger, pumping them inside you slowly and curling them before bringing them back out, only to thrust them in again. Everything was on fire, every nerve in your core ablaze, every breath escaping your lips warm and pleading. Fingers pushing against your walls, his tongue pressed firmly against your clit and you jolted, hips lurching upwards, his nose hitting your pelvis. He closed his lips around your bud and sucked, sending you into a spiral of incoherent whines and twitching legs. He added a third finger, rocking into your faster, curling his fingers harder, stretching you and pulsing against your g spot. Euphoria was pulling at you, a current rushing you to your peak, and without thinking, you dropped your arms and gathered his hair between your fingers. </p><p> </p><p>All at once his fingers pulled out of you, his tongue left your clit, and his hands shoved your arms above your head forcefully. </p><p> </p><p>"No!" you yelped. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>Your desire was no longer containable. You were pitifully desperate and you didn't even care. </p><p> </p><p>He kept one hand pinning your wrists against the mattress, while the other hand wrapped around your throat, fingers digging into your skin. </p><p> </p><p>"You can't obey me, slut?" he growled.</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't mean t-to," you sputtered, struggling to push the words past his grip on your neck. </p><p> </p><p>"What happens when you disobey me?" You tried to gulp down deep breaths. "Answer me, whore."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know," you whined. You were close to tears now, the mix of desire and pain pulsing through you. </p><p> </p><p>"You get punished." He let go of your wrists and gripped your waist, pulling you up and shoving you backwards until your knuckles knocked against the headboard. </p><p> </p><p>"No, I didn't mean to." You hesitated to add: "I'm sorry, daddy."</p><p> </p><p>He abandoned his grip on your throat and you sucked in air, only to have it stolen from you by his hand slapping against your cunt. Your clit stung, pain tingling under your skin, and you lifted your head from the mattress, whimpering. </p><p> </p><p>He leaned in close to your ear and you could feel his jagged breath warming your neck. </p><p> </p><p>"You can call me daddy all night, sweetheart, but you're still getting punished."</p><p> </p><p>Another burst of prickling pain against your cunt and you tensed, snapping your legs together and rolling them to the side. Kylo was quick though, pressing them open, both hands pushing against your knees until they were pressed against the silk sheets. His palm slapped against your core again, and you yelped. Another slap, another tingling in your clit, more aching in your pussy. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo gripped your jaw, fingers digging into the hollows of your cheek. </p><p> </p><p>"What did you learn?" he sneered.</p><p> </p><p>"I-I won't move my hands."</p><p> </p><p>His hands left your knees and he reached for his belt. </p><p> </p><p>"Sit up."</p><p> </p><p>You followed orders, bringing your arms towards your chest, unsure of where he wanted you to put them. He stopped his movement, hands pausing at his zipper, and his eyes scanned your face, noticing your nervous expression. Kylo leaned forward and kissed you, surprisingly softly considering what had just happened. </p><p> </p><p>"My good girl, hmm?" he whispered centimeters from your mouth. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded shyly. </p><p> </p><p>"Get all on all fours."</p><p> </p><p>Cunt still stinging, you rolled onto your knees, hearing the ruffling sound of Kylo undressing behind you. The noise stopped and his hands smoothed over your ass to grab your hips. Without warning he pushed into you, his cock stretching your walls, and you gasped. He started slow, savoring the feeling of your pussy around him, but then his pace increased, his dick slamming into your entrance, piercing into your gut. Your cunt hummed with bliss. Last night was good, but god, you missed being filled with him. With each thrust, you pushed your hips back to meet him, pushing his dick deeper into you. </p><p> </p><p>"Shit, Kylo, shit," you slurred, voice wavering. </p><p> </p><p>Your arms gave out and you collapsed into the mattress, cheek pressed against the cool silk. Each time he rammed into you, your face pressed into the sheets. </p><p> </p><p>A ringing filled the air and you pushed yourself up, dazed and disoriented. His phone. His fucking phone, blinking on the nightstand, was ringing. You glanced back at him, his tinted cheeks and messy hair. </p><p> </p><p>"Fucking shit," he mumbled and pulled out of you, reaching over and snatching his phone from the table. </p><p> </p><p>Really? Now? you wanted to say, but you weren't sure you could handle another punishment, not when you were this franticly needy. You could feel tears brim in your eyes. Fuck, you were pathetic. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo glanced at the screen. "Fucking idiot," he mumbled at the screen. He turned his hazel irises onto you, your ass still in the air, chest rising quickly. "Flip over. On your back."</p><p> </p><p>You did as he said and spread your legs, desperately hoping he wouldn't leave you hanging, so dangerously close to the edge. Kylo took a deep breath and brought the phone to his ear. </p><p> </p><p>"Poe, this better be good."</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes widened at Poe's name. Kylo backed up and off the bed, standing at the edge, and slapped your thigh lightly, motioning you forward. You scooted yourself silently to the edge of the bed, legs still spread open, cunt still throbbing. </p><p> </p><p>"Vicrul said he took care of it." With his free hand Kylo pushed your legs to wrap around his waist, and then pressed his palm against your lower stomach. He pushed his dick into you slowly and your jaw fell open, relieved from the pressure returning to your walls. He thrust into you slowly, eyes glued to your face while he listened to Poe through the phone. You threw your head back savoring the feeling of him, his slow thrusts filling you up. At this point you were sure it wouldn't take much for you to cum, but you tried to push your climax away, waiting for him to hang up so he could fuck you the way he really wanted to. </p><p> </p><p>"Did we not talk about this earlier? I'm having trouble understanding why this seems to be so fucking difficult for your team." His breaths were deeper but his voice remained steady. </p><p> </p><p>Your clit was screaming at you, begging for attention. You considered your options. Kylo was on the phone, he surely couldn't punish you now. You dropped your arms to your core and pressed your fingers to your clit, shuddering at the wave of pleasure that greeted you. Kylo wasted no time snatching your bonded wrists and shoving them behind you for the third time. This time however, he didn't yell or punish you, instead he replaced your hand with his own and rubbed slow small circles into your clit. Your back arched, limbs tingling, and you pressed your lips together firmly, holding your moans in your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"If it's not finished by the middle of the week we're going to have a problem, Dameron. What exactly is getting lost in translation here?" You could tell by the tension in his jaw that he was doing everything in his power to speak in a normal tone. </p><p> </p><p>He quickened his pace, cock pushing against your walls harder, and his fingers pressed deeper onto your bud. You couldn't help it, despite all your best efforts, you yelped. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo didn't hesitate, he didn't even look bothered, just tucked the phone between his ear and shoulder and clasped his now free hand over your mouth. It was a sight to behold, Kylo Ren, hair stuck to his temples with sweat, shoulder holding his phone up to his ear, one hand rubbing your clit, one trapping your mouth. It was enough to make anyone cum, but you still held out, squeezing your eyes shut, begging yourself to wait just a little longer. </p><p> </p><p>"We'll meet tomorrow after Vicrul comes in." His voice wavered, only slightly, on the word come and you smiled under his palm. He was starting to crumble, breaths growing heavier, thrusts becoming sloppier. </p><p> </p><p>You wanted to push him, watch him struggle to keep his composure. You pulled one leg away from his waist and folded your knee to your chest, opening your cunt wider. He shifted slightly and pushed in roughly, his dick going deeper than you knew was possible. You moaned into his hand, legs shaking. His brow furrowed and his lips fell open, panting. Still, he didn't succumb. It didn't matter anyway. The depth of his strokes pushed you to the edge, aided by his steady pressure on your clit, and your cunt clenched around him. Euphoria buzzed through you, a blinding white light ripping through your veins, brighter than anything you had felt in a long time, rolls of endless pleasure stroking your core. Your legs trembled and, unable to control your actions, you whimpered and moaned against his hand. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll call you back," Kylo grumbled and tossed the phone onto the bed. He let go of your mouth, and gripped your hip, pushing your cunt onto him with each deep stroke. Your orgasm was still buzzing under your skin, your mouth hung open silently, bliss raining down and blocking your senses. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you have a death wish trying to test me, while I'm on the phone like that?" he said lowly.</p><p> </p><p>"No, daddy," you murmured, you're voice sounding far away.</p><p> </p><p>He slapped your clit and you cried out. </p><p> </p><p>His pace had quickened, his thrusts deeper and harder. ramming into your aching cunt. Through the muffled ringing in your ears, you heard Kylo curse loudly and he twitched inside of you, his dick pounding against your walls twice more before he slowed, breathe jagged, and pulled out. You kept your eyes shut, letting yourself gently climb down from your high. You could hear Kylo breathing, his hands on your hips, steadying himself. When the buzzing in your ears dimmed, you opened your eyes. Kylo was standing with his head hung, his hair hanging in front of his face. You pushed onto your elbows and his head lifted to look at you. His pupils were wide, his irises dark. You drowned in them for only a moment, before he turned and walked into the closet. You pulled your legs together slowly, your inner thighs burning from being pushed open so wide, and scooted yourself back to rest your head against the headboard. You felt like crying. That's the bad things about orgasms like that. When you go that far up, it hurts to crash back down. You blinked the tears away and pulled the sheets around you. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stepped back into the room, now in sweatpants, no shirt, which was a heavenly sight. He grabbed his phone from the bed and started for the door. </p><p> </p><p>"I have to call Poe back," he said over his shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>Your heart dropped into your stomach, but anger bubbled in it's absence. </p><p> </p><p>"No," you said, attempting to sound stern.</p><p> </p><p>He furrowed his brow and peered at you over his shoulder. The tears were threatening to spill but you took a deep breath and urged them away. </p><p> </p><p>"You can't-" A deep breathe and then: "It's hard for me to come back down on my own, okay? Especially after something like that. I like rough, rough is good, but it's not fair to just leave me on my own after-" Your voice wavered, so you stopped mid sentence, throat tight. You couldn't tell if your level of anger was justified or not. When he had done this to you before you knew it was wrong, but your hormones were shooting daggers of emotion into your eyes and you weren't sure anymore. Either way it felt horrible. </p><p> </p><p>His gaze made your cheeks burn, and for a moment you were sure he would turn around and leave, but he stepped towards the bed, frowning still. You shrunk against the headboard, heart pounding as he approached the bed. Kylo sat down next you, eyes glancing over your bare body, before he shifted downwards and placed his head against the pillow, lying down. You paused, noticing the way his curls spread out in a wave of darkness, but he pulled you out of it by tugging on your thigh. You pushed yourself down, lying next to him, the only sound his steady breath. You avoided his eye contact. Insecurity was tugging at you suddenly. You wondered if he was annoyed. If he was wondering how we would have to end it after this. He didn't want a girl who needed to be coddled down from her orgasms. He wanted someone distant. As cold as him. </p><p> </p><p>A brush of his fingertips proved you wrong, and he wrapped his arm across your waist and pulled you toward him until you were pressed against his chest. You took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of pine and leather--his cologne. He wrapped his palm around the back of your neck and bent his jaw down to set a kiss, sweet and lingering, against your lips. When he pulled away, you pressed your face into his chest. The tears that were trapped within your eyelids started to break free, streaming sideways into your hair. You didn't want him to know you were crying, but  a small sob and faint shake of your shoulders betrayed you. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," you whispered onto his skin, voice delicate and cracking. "I'm not really upset, it just feels like I'm upset. But I'm not. I'm okay."</p><p> </p><p>His fingers trailed down your neck to your back, and he glided them up and down the line of your spine. </p><p> </p><p>"You apologize for things that aren't your fault," he said quietly. </p><p> </p><p>You wondered if that was his idea of an apology, if he was insinuating that it was his fault. You didn't really care. You didn't need his apology. You didn't expect it. He hadn't done anything wrong in your eyes. Maybe he just didn't know, didn't realize that it was a problem, but now that you told him he had fixed it, hadn't he? That was all you needed.</p><p> </p><p>You wiped your eyes and lifted your head to look at him. His face was no longer flushed but his hair was still messy and spread among the pillowcase in waves. You kissed his lips gently but quickly. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you," you said lowly, returning your face to his chest.</p><p> </p><p>And for a moment, you let yourself pretend it was real.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Saturday</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You didn't see Kylo for several days. Apparently it was a big week at work, or at least that's what he told you when you arrived last night. He had answered the door, shirtless and in swim trunks, and gave you a bag. Inside was a purple bikini. You swam and made out and tried to get him to tell you about his week, but as always he was stubborn and only gave you bits of information. And then you went inside and he fucked you on the bathroom counter, his hair dripping onto your shoulders. And when you both finished he let you lean against his chest until your legs were no longer trembling. It was nice. But he still didn't hold you while you fell asleep. You tried to tell yourself that didn't matter.</p><p> </p><p>The mattress shifted, pulling you towards the surface of reality. You rolled over, bare torso sliding against the silk sheets, and reached a hand out. To your surprise it was actually met with skin.</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo?" you slurred, eyes heavy and closed.</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>You tried to pry your eyelids open but everything was foggy. "What time is it?"</p><p> </p><p>"Eight."</p><p> </p><p>"Shouldn't you be at work?" you mumbled into your pillow.</p><p> </p><p>"It's Saturday."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." You propped yourself onto your elbow, and squinted into the faint light of the room. "I can go."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo pulled on your elbow, making you collapse back onto the swarm of warm blankets.</p><p> </p><p>"Go back to bed."</p><p> </p><p>You pulled the material up to your neck, and sighed. "Okay."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Bright light pushed against your eyelids. You opened them halfway, glancing around the room. The sun was peaking through the curtains, throwing slivers of golden light onto the floor. Kylo was gone, his side of the bed empty with only the ruffled sheets proving he had ever been there at all. Blinking the fog from your eyes, you pushed yourself up to sit against the headboard and reached for your phone. It was almost ten. You could barely recall your half conscious conversation with Kylo, but you remembered him saying it was eight. That meant you had been asleep for two more hours. You cursed yourself for always sleeping in. It was embarrassing. The only notification on your phone was a text from Ivy.</p><p> </p><p>V: Considering that you never came home, I'm guessing it went okay? Nothing was wrong?</p><p> </p><p>You had been on edge all week. Each day that passed without a word from Kylo made you wonder if it was already over. Was crying into his chest two minutes after orgasming really the ultimate turn off you had marked it up to be? Ivy tried to keep you sane, assuring you that he would warn you if it was ending, seeing as he was your only financial support. You had to distract yourself constantly to stop thinking about it, replaying everything in your head. When he texted you to come over yesterday you almost cried out of relief.</p><p> </p><p>You typed a reply:</p><p>I was overthinking (as always) he just had a lot of work shit and now everything's fine. Last night was nice he got me a bikini. It's cute I already know you're gonna steal it.</p><p> </p><p>After pressing send, you scooted out of bed and padded to the bathroom where your clothes were. You slipped on your underwear, but your jeans and blouse looked miserably uncomfortable, so you shuffled through his closet until you found one of his black shirts and slipped it over your head.</p><p> </p><p>The living room was bright and empty but the balcony door was open, cool air floating in. You folded your arms around yourself and padded over to it. The sight in front of you was divine. Kylo was shirtless, black gym shorts hung on his hips, and the top half of his hair was pulled back in a tiny ponytail. And he was working out, palms against the floor doing push ups. You leaned against the door frame and admired the muscles in his arms flexing with each push, tendons pushing against his skin. After a few reps you realized your staring might be a little creepy, considering he hadn't noticed it yet.</p><p> </p><p>"Good morning," you said, hiding your smile.</p><p> </p><p>He looked up, did one more, and then stood, brushing his hands together.</p><p> </p><p>"Help yourself to anything in the kitchen." He said.</p><p> </p><p>His chest was glistening with sweat and rising quickly. Sweaty Kylo was a godly sight.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Okay, thanks," you replied, taking one last good look before turning and going inside, through the living room and to the kitchen. You opened the fridge. It was appropriately stocked, drawers filled with fruit and neatly organized condiments and pre packaged salads. There was a whole row of bottled smoothies in one corner, not even the cheap kind. You scoffed and grabbed a pink one. If you had known those were there you would have been taking them every morning.</p><p> </p><p>You popped the lid off and took a sip while crossing back to the patio door. Damn, it was good. Being rich would be nice just for the endless supply of fancy smoothies. Kylo was doing sit ups now, breathing in when he went down and out when he came up. The muscles on his torso were expanding with each movement and you watched him over the mouth of the bottle. His eyes caught your figure and he furrowed his brow. You realized you were smiling.</p><p> </p><p>"What?' he said.</p><p> </p><p>You took another sip of the pink liquid and shrugged. "Just enjoying the show."</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled at that. "Come here."</p><p> </p><p>You stepped onto the warmed tiles and stood beside him. He sat up and patted his shoes. A bubble of affection burst in your chest. You chose to ignore it, and stepped onto his shoes holding out your arms until you were balanced. You grinned brightly as he continued his sit ups, your weight anchoring his feet. He kept his eyes on you and you returned his gaze, though you glanced at his abdomen from time to time. You sipped on your smoothie feeling giddy. Giddy. You had to actively stop yourself from giggling and it made you feel wildly immature. Kylo stopped, having finished his reps, and you stepped off, letting him stand up.</p><p> </p><p>"Why are you smiling?" he asked between deep breaths, wiping the back of his palm against his forehead and towering over you.</p><p> </p><p>God, he was large. You always forgot how big he was until he was standing this close.</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged and stepped closer to him. "Cause I think you're hot. Have I ever said that out loud to you? That I think you're hot? Because I do."</p><p> </p><p>He laughed, showing off his dimples, sunlight bathing his face. His cheeks were tinted pink, though you couldn't be sure whether it was from your compliment or his workout.</p><p> </p><p>"I forgot you don't like compliments. That one was real though," you said.</p><p> </p><p>His fingers grazed your thigh and ducked below your (or his, technically) shirt. He trailed his touch past your hip and around your waist to the small of your back.</p><p> </p><p>"You look so pretty in my shirt."</p><p> </p><p>It was the nicest thing he had ever said to you. Something pulled at your chest and you glanced at the floor, blush covering your cheeks. His arm pulled you forward and he kissed you softly, his lips warm. You melted against his mouth. All the worrying of the week, the gnawing in your stomach, disappeared. How could you have every doubted this? How could this ever be ended so quickly?</p><p> </p><p>He pulled away but you added one last peck before stepping back onto your heels.</p><p> </p><p>"Should I go?" you asked, quietly.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want to go?"</p><p> </p><p>No. Not at all. Not even a little. In fact, you never really had the urge to leave when you were around him. Even when he wasn't being necessarily pleasant, he radiated this power that was addictive to be around.</p><p> </p><p>"No, but I don't want to intrude on your day off."</p><p> </p><p>"If you weren't here I would just work."</p><p> </p><p>"Then I better stay."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded. And then you nodded. And it occurred to you that Kylo in the morning sunlight seemed like a whole new person compared to him in the darkness.</p><p> </p><p>"I should shower," he announced.</p><p> </p><p>You smiled widely. "Yeah, you're pretty sweaty."</p><p> </p><p>"Join me."</p><p> </p><p>You were hoping he would say that. "Okay."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo grabbed your hand and led you through the apartment to his bathroom. He flipped on the shower. You didn't bother to wait for him, just slipped out of his shirt and through the glass door. The stream of warm water soaked your hair and skin, and you sighed, your sore muscles relaxing. A breeze of cold air hit your back and you glanced back, shifting out of the way to allow him access to the water. He stepped forward and let the stream hit him, weighing down his hair and plastering it to his neck. You found a bottle labeled shampoo. It was a nice brand. You lathered it into your scalp. It smelled like him. </p><p> </p><p>"Glad to know you're not a two-in-one guy," you said. </p><p> </p><p>He looked at you for the first time. "Of course not," he answered, a look of amusement on his face. </p><p> </p><p>He gestured towards the bottle and you handed it to him. As he rubbed it into his roots, you couldn't look away. It was somehow fascinating to watch him do mundane things. It was like watching a god, or maybe a devil, come to earth and do all these things you hadn't thought they would need to. Like wash their hair. </p><p> </p><p>You slid around him and let the water rinse the soap from your scalp. Once you were done you switched with him, and watched as the shampoo slid down his chest. Without thinking about it, you reached out your hand and wiped away a stream of soap on his forehead. His eyes fluttered open and he looked at you strangely. </p><p> </p><p>"There was soap about to go in your eye."</p><p> </p><p>He closed his eyes again and leaned back into the water. With pink cheeks you turned around, searching for the conditioner. Before you could reach for it, hands circled your waist, and Kylo's chest was pressed against your back. You let yourself relax into him, the firm canvas of his torso holding you up, and your skin tingled as he trailed kisses up your neck. His lips hovered beneath your jawline and he sucked on the skin, running his teeth against it. Sighing, you placed your hand against his cheek. </p><p> </p><p>"You're gonna leave a mark," you breathed.</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm," he mumbled against your throat. </p><p> </p><p>His hand ran down the front of your stomach and brushed your cunt, his other hand preoccupied itself by kneading your breast, rolling your nipple between his fingers. You shivered and pushed your hips forward, searching for friction. He nipped at the skin of your neck, and rested his fingers against your inner thigh, denying you of what you wanted. </p><p> </p><p>"C'mon," you whispered, warmth growing in your center. </p><p> </p><p>He hummed against your throat and grabbed your waist, spinning you around, your bodies inches apart. You didn't wait for him to move, just leaned forward and crashed your lips against his. You stepped forward, pressing your chest against him, trying to illicit some reaction. He was moving slower than usual, taunting you. You smirked against his lips, and reached down to find his dick, knowing that would be the one thing that would make him break. As soon as you touched it, he ripped your hand away. </p><p> </p><p>"I didn't say you could do that," he said throatily. </p><p> </p><p>You gazed into his widening pupils and reached down again, this time wrapping your fingers around his length fully. </p><p> </p><p>"What are you gonna do? Punish me?" you panted.</p><p> </p><p>You stroked him only once, before your breath was stolen from you by his hands around your throat. He shoved you into the tile wall and pain stung through your spine. </p><p> </p><p>"You really want to play this game?" he asked lowly.</p><p> </p><p>You whimpered in response, skin tingling, and he yanked you forward to push you hardly against the wall again.</p><p> </p><p>"You answer me when I ask a question."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry, sorry," you sputtered. </p><p> </p><p>"Turn around."</p><p> </p><p>You eyed him, buzzing with nervousness and excitement, and slowly spun around. </p><p> </p><p>"Hands on the wall."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped and obeyed him, splaying your palms against the cool black tile. A sharp sting rang out against your ass. You yelped and hung your head, leaning heavily against the wall. </p><p> </p><p>"How many do you think you deserve, hmm?" his voice echoed against the foggy glass. </p><p> </p><p>Your chest was rising quicker, the need in your core expanding. </p><p> </p><p>"I-I don't know," you whined. </p><p> </p><p>"Count."</p><p> </p><p>Another burst of white hot pain on your ass. </p><p> </p><p>"Count," he said again. </p><p> </p><p>"Two," you whimpered. </p><p> </p><p>Another stroke of agony. </p><p> </p><p>"Three."</p><p> </p><p>Another and another. Tingling, prickling bursts of ache. You flinched with each one, holding onto the tile as your only source of stability. More throbbing stings. </p><p> </p><p>"Seven," you whimpered. </p><p> </p><p>Your ass was numb now, a warm tingling feeling replacing the pain. You endured the next few blows with less difficulty, and when you reached ten, you squinted your eyes and hoped that would be the end. Your cunt was already dripping with quickened desire. Kylo gripped your waist and pulled you from the wall, spinning you around and pulling you against him. You stared at his face, the drops of water on his cheekbones, his darkened eyelashes, damp lips. The brief wave of reckless courage had vanished, now replaced with trembling neediness. No more punishment. You just wanted to be fucked. He kissed you deeply, tongue gliding past your lips and exploring your mouth. It was desperate but gentle. His hand ran down your waist, pulling at the tissue around your hips, and finally reaching your cunt. He ran his fingers through your slit and you sighed into his mouth. </p><p> </p><p>"I think you deserve a reward for not complaining, hmm? Don't you think?" he mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded quickly. His fingers reached your clit and he pressed against it. You gasped, and shuddered as he rubbed slow circles into you. It was tempting to reach out and grab his cock, to feel him harden beneath your touch, but you refrained. His free hand wrapped around your throat and squeezed lightly, the pressure in you clit growing with each stroke. </p><p> </p><p>You groaned into his mouth. "No more teasing." He pulled away, examining your face. "Please."</p><p> </p><p>"Turn around. Hands on the wall."</p><p> </p><p>Oh, god another punishment? Reluctantly, you followed his orders, however, a slap never came. Instead, he stroked the tip of his dick along your folds, spreading your wetness and building the eager desire in your cunt. And then he pushed into you, his cock stretching you open even more from your half standing position. You whimpered, loose jaw letting your mouth hang open in blissful agony. His dick pushed against your walls in slow strokes, and with each thrust your cunt became accustomed to his size. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, Kylo," you moaned, fingers gripping the tiles. </p><p> </p><p>He gathered your hair in his fist and tugged harshly, whipping your neck backwards and making you squeal. You pushed your hips back to meet his thrusts, his dick slamming against your walls harder now. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't come until I say you can," he growled. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded, restricted by his grip on your hair. "Yes, daddy."</p><p> </p><p>A sharp slap to your ass proved that he enjoyed the title, and you yelped, legs slowly becoming weaker with trembling pleasure. You felt Kylo's body shift closer, his dick pushing incredibly deep, and he slithered a hand around your waist to your cunt. His fingers sent hot tingles through your center as he abused your clit. After all the punishment, the feeling of his cock filling you, scraping your walls, and his fingers, slow and controlled, on your clit, was too much and you knew you wouldn't last much longer. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo, I'm-, shit, I'm close."</p><p> </p><p>His grip on your hair tightened, shooting pain into your scalp. </p><p> </p><p>"You can't come without permission."</p><p> </p><p>You whimpered, the edge of your orgasm approaching quickly. "Please, let me come daddy," you cried. </p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>You winced and pulled at his hand. If he didn't want you to come, his pressure on your clit would have to stop. </p><p> </p><p>"Please, please," you mumbled, fingers yanking at his wrist. But he didn't budge, only pressed harder, sending incoherent pleas through your lips. </p><p> </p><p>"I said no," he said lowly and yanked your hair again, the pain hurling you toward the cusp of bliss. </p><p> </p><p>His dick was pounding into you deep, pushing into your gut, pressure building rapidly. You squeezed your eyes shut and tried to focus, tried to keep yourself from letting go, but it was to no avail. You tried to pull on his hand one last time, the last chance of a saving grace, but his fingers didn't move. Your body shuddered and your jaw hung open, whispered moans leaving your mouth, as your orgasm overtook you. Warmth spread through your center, tingling euphoria pulsing through your clit and into your thighs. You held onto the tile as his fingers floated you through your high. You hung your head as the cloud of consuming bliss slowly vaporized, and Kylo let go of your hair and his fingers left your clit to grab onto your waist and pull you closer, slamming into your harder and slower.</p><p> </p><p>"Fucking slut, couldn't even-<em>fuck-</em> couldn't even wait for me," he groaned.</p><p> </p><p>You couldn't answer. His harsh thrusts were more painful than helpful as you came down from your peak, so you let your head hang as he continued to fuck you, his breathing heavy, his strokes desperate. He cursed under his breath and his dick twitched inside you. After a few more thrusts, his hot cum shot against your walls and you panted, breath escaping you. A few seconds of stillness, his cock resting in your cunt, his breath coming back to him, and then he pulled out of you. </p><p> </p><p>You slowly pushed yourself up, balancing on your unsteady legs. You didn't want to look at him, worried that he was angry that you came too quickly, so you snatched the conditioner and poured it into your palm, working it through the ends of your hair. Once you couldn't stall anymore, you turned to step into the water and had to face him. His brows were furrowed, only slightly, and his cheeks were pink, hair messy and dripping. You stepped under the flow of water and ran your fingers through your soapy ends. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," you said quietly, staring at the splits in your hair. </p><p> </p><p>"For what?" </p><p> </p><p>He looked genuinely confused, which only made the knot in your stomach grow. </p><p> </p><p>"For finishing too soon."</p><p> </p><p>He shook his head, just barely. "I wasn't angry."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." You stepped out of the water, right next to him, your breaths ricocheting off his chest. You traced your fingers along his collarbone and tilted your jaw to look at his face. He took the opportunity to kiss you, his lips warm and slow, and you hummed, your anxiety fading at the hands of his affection. You pulled away and picked up the bottle of conditioner. He went to grab it from you but you snapped it out of his reach. "Let me." You poured it into your hand and rested your forearms against his chest as you smoothed it through his ends. Kylo's eyes were trained on your face, you could sensel his irises swallowing you, but you kept your gaze on your fingers running the soap through his silky strands. When you were satisfied, you stepped back to let him move under the water, but he stood still, still looking at you, face blank but eyes curious. </p><p> </p><p>"What?" you said, smiling nervously. </p><p> </p><p>"Nothing." He stepped under the stream of water without another word.</p><p> </p><p>You finished up, using the body soap and rinsing, before stepping out of the shower to let Kylo finish on his own. Water dripped off your skin and hair onto the black tiles beneath you. </p><p> </p><p>"Um, towel?" you half shouted, over the pattering of water. </p><p> </p><p>"Under the sink," he answered. </p><p> </p><p>You found one and dried yourself before fastening the towel around your chest and finding the hairbrush from the pink bag, kept in the drawer just for you. Eventually the humming of the shower stopped and Kylo stepped out. You moved over as he pulled a towel from under the sink and ruffled it through his hair before pulling it around his waist and disappearing through the bathroom door. You finished combing through your hair, slipped his t shirt back on, and followed him. The bedroom was empty. You stepped into the living room. Kylo was standing in the kitchen wearing sweatpants, sipping on a water bottle. He noticed you and crossed the room, gesturing for you to follow. </p><p> </p><p>"I have something for you," he said over his shoulder, walking through the door of his office.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>He flicked on the lamp and opened a drawer in the desk. He held out a white box. You could have puked. There was a little silver apple in the middle of it. You accepted it with cautious hands and pried the lid off, though you already knew what it was. A laptop. A nice one. You weren't sure which model, you weren't even sure which models existed or the difference between them, but it certainly looked nice. </p><p> </p><p>"Shit," you mumbled under your breath. "This is... this is really nice." He was watching you intently. "Thank you. Wow." You were so caught off guard you couldn't gather the right words to express your gratitude. </p><p> </p><p>"You can go ahead and test it out. I have to send a couple emails."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, okay."</p><p> </p><p>He stepped back and sat in his desk chair, pressing a button on his computer. </p><p> </p><p>You shifted on your feet, and stared at the smooth silver. "I'm really grateful. I don't feel like I deserve this."</p><p> </p><p>"You do," he replied. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Time whizzed by. The laptop was nice. The first thing you did was send Ivy a picture. </p><p> </p><p>She texted back:</p><p>
  <em>AGFKDKKD. WTF. POE IS A CHEAPASS!!!!</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Which made you laugh. The next thing you did was start to write. You weren't sure where to start, so you just threw words onto the page, and in the end you had written two pages on why gift giving was both a beautiful way to express love, and an easy way to trick someone into thinking something that isn't love, is. You based the latter off of your father. It was mostly rambling that wasn't even very good, but still, you were just happy to sink into the couch cushions and let your mind wander. </p><p> </p><p>Eventually, Kylo came out of his office, hair damp, and wordlessly went into his room, emerging minutes later wearing dark jeans and a gray hoodie with a green jacket pulled over it. He looked so young you had to look him over twice before you registered that he had said something. </p><p> </p><p>"What?"</p><p> </p><p>"Let's go for a walk," he said.</p><p> </p><p>"A walk?"</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>"It's cold out."</p><p> </p><p>"Wear a coat."</p><p> </p><p>You closed the laptop and set it on the coffee table. "Alright."</p><p> </p><p>You got ready quickly, slipping back into your clothes from yesterday and brushing through your hair. When you stepped into the living room Kylo was on the phone, his fingers pressed against his mouth, thinking. He glanced up and pulled the end of the phone away from his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm almost done. Let's go."</p><p> </p><p>You just nodded and followed him out the door. He continued to talk to someone named Ushar, while you leaned against the walls of the elevator, and even when you stepped onto the street, the morning sun warm on your face. You walked aimlessly down the sidewalks, trying to enjoy the morning air while Kylo argued through the phone. You passed a library, tall glass windows letting you peak inside to see rows of shelves. It was covered in decorations of turkeys and corn, orange and red banners. You smiled feeling nostalgic for a memory you couldn't even conjure. Kylo ended his call, finally, and tucked his phone away in his pocket.</p><p> </p><p>"Everything okay?" you asked, shoving your hands into your coat.</p><p> </p><p>"Apparently no one knows how to do their job."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry. That's frustrating."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm."</p><p> </p><p>You glanced at him. His hair was starting to dry, waves forming at the nape of his neck, and his jaw was soft where you were expecting it to be tense.</p><p> </p><p>"It's almost thanksgiving," you said.</p><p> </p><p>"Is that a good thing?"</p><p> </p><p>You rolled your eyes. "Yes, I think most people enjoy holidays. Are you going to go home somewhere, like, to see family?"</p><p> </p><p>Kylo's jaw twitched ever so slightly. "No."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, that's too bad."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't mind."</p><p> </p><p>"Do they live far? Your family?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not sure."</p><p> </p><p>You frowned. "You're not sure where your family lives?"</p><p> </p><p>"For fucks sake, no, I don't speak with them anymore," he snapped and took a deep breath, his eyebrows drawn together.</p><p> </p><p>Your heart sank. Fuck, that was a stupid thing to bring up. You shouldn't have pushed him on it. His tone was trying to warn you to let it go, but you were too naive to notice. Guilt swelled in your chest and you hooked your hand around his forearm.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry. I'm an idiot sometimes." You tugged lightly on his arm, and he pulled his hand from his pocket and intertwined it with yours. Your palms buzzed. "I don't talk to my parents either. I haven't seen them in a couple years."</p><p> </p><p>An old woman walked by and you gave her a polite smile. The buildings were hiding the sun now, and icy air was biting at your nose.</p><p> </p><p>"So you spend your holidays with Rey?" he asked.</p><p> </p><p>You pressed your lips together, impressed that he had remembered your sisters name. That doesn't mean anything, you reminded yourself.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah with her and her partner, Sophia, but she's trying to convince me that we should go home this year. Just for thanksgiving dinner. She hasn't seen my parents in, geez, years, I'm not even sure how many, but long enough to forget what they're like."</p><p> </p><p>"Are you going to go?"</p><p> </p><p>He was looking at you, listening to your words carefully. You almost wished he wouldn't. Sweet Kylo wasn't something you wanted to get used to.</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged. "I guess so. She's going to be disappointed, but I guess she already is. I might as well support her for trying." You didn't expand because you weren't sure he would want to hear it, and you weren't even sure you wanted to explain it out loud. "What do you do on your own to celebrate?"</p><p> </p><p>"Umm," he licked his lips. "I don't normally do anything. I guess."</p><p> </p><p>"Damn. Now I have to feel bad for you."</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled. "Don't."</p><p> </p><p>"I would never."</p><p> </p><p>"Let's head back."</p><p> </p><p>You sniffled. "Okay."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo let go of your hand.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Thanksgiving</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>**Important warning! This chapter deals with the difficult topic of someone being rejected because of their sexuality. This could definitely be triggering to anyone who's experienced it, so let me give you a lil kiss and say please be cautious while reading this! Everyone deserves to love, like, and fuck whoever they want, I fully believe that. Also I'd like to say that this is not something I'm casually throwing into this story 'just to make it more interesting'. I've seen this happen to friends. It's heartbreaking. It's not a 'good side plot', it's a very real thing that causes so much pain, and in this book it has affected the characters deeply and it will continue to be discussed through the story, as it might in real life.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thanksgiving went like this:</p><p> </p><p>You packed Rey's car and drove for eleven hours to Virginia, where your parents lived. The whole way there you kept thinking about Kylo. All alone in his apartment with no family and no celebration. No turkey. No hugs. Just him and his dim living room, eating alone on the couch, and falling asleep in an empty bed. It made you feel guilty that you hadn't stayed back. Rey kept chewing on her nails and briefing you on how she wanted the dinner to go. You tried to assure her you would help her make the conversation light and positive. Even when you checked into your hotel, she was still obsessing about it. You weren't sure how to tell her it probably wouldn't turn out the way she wanted. </p><p> </p><p>You got at the house around 4. Your mom answered the door, an apron with sunflowers on it hanging around her neck. Her smile was strained. She hugged you tightly. She hugged Rey a little less tightly. It made your throat taste bitter. Dad was watching football. He hugged you. He shook Rey's hand. You thought you might throw up. You did. You and Rey set the table, putting mom's fancy china out, and helped her with the few last steps for the meal. Rey made excellent small talk and mom answered, surprisingly politely. That turned out to be the only good part of the evening. </p><p> </p><p>You all sat down around the table. Rey was smiling so largely, her voice soft and kind, as she asked dad about work. You could barely even eat, your stomach was churning so much. </p><p> </p><p>"Have you met a nice boy yet?" Mom said, staring right at you. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you gulped down some iced tea. Kylo flashed through your mind. "No, I haven't actually had any serious relationships yet. Just not looking for one, I guess." You tried to smile but it felt crooked and the tendons in your neck were sore. </p><p> </p><p>Rey shifted in her seat. You knew what was going to happen next, and you knew you couldn't stop it. </p><p> </p><p>"Sophie just started a new job," her voice was clear. She was trying to sound casual. You wanted to squeeze her hand but you couldn't reach it. </p><p> </p><p>The silence in the air was thick. Mom was staring at her plate. </p><p> </p><p>"At the salon, right?" you tried to offer a response. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Rey answered, so quietly you almost didn't hear it. </p><p> </p><p>"It's a pet salon," you said, voice bright. No answer. "Isn't that so cute? A salon for pets? They do their hair, and their nails and stuff. I've seen the Instagram page, it's adorable."</p><p> </p><p>No one said anything. Rey looked pissed. </p><p> </p><p>"All you have to say is 'that's nice' or some shit," she said. </p><p> </p><p>Your parents looked at each other. </p><p> </p><p>"We've made it clear to you before. We don't want to hear about your partners," your dad's voice  made your stomach drop. </p><p> </p><p>"Partner, singular. I've been with Sophie for years now." Rey spat. </p><p> </p><p>The tension was thick. You felt like you were choking on it. </p><p> </p><p>"Sophie is such a big part of Rey's life, and mine too, she's a sister to me now. I think it's fair if we want to make her a part of our conversation," you defended. Rey glanced at you, then back to your dad. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, your mom spoke up. "Rey, you know we don't support your decisions. Talking about your relationship would count as support, and that's," she sighed, "Honey, that's what we can't do."</p><p> </p><p>Rey's lip was trembling. She was full of hurt but you were full of anger, rolls of frustration heating your cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>"It's not a fucking decision, mom. This is who she is!" </p><p> </p><p>"I disagree," you mother replied calmly.</p><p> </p><p>"You can't disagree! It's a fact!" </p><p> </p><p>"We didn't raise her that way."</p><p> </p><p>Furious tears were pooling behind your eyelids. "How did you raise her then? To be hateful? To ignore her feelings in order to please you?"</p><p> </p><p>"Stop, let's just go," Rey stood and tugged on your arm. Tears were already streaming down her cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't leave," dad said, rising from his chair. "You came all the way here, let's finish our meal."</p><p> </p><p>"No." Your mom glared at Rey. "I don't want her here anymore."</p><p> </p><p>Rey pulled you to the front door. "I'll be out in a minute," you whispered. She shot you a nervous look and then walked out. Your chest was heaving now, tears spilling past your eyelashes. "We're never going to come back. Do you understand that? Today was your chance, the first one you've gotten in years, and you ruined it and now you aren't going to see us again, you know that right?"</p><p> </p><p>"You don't have to defend her," dad said. </p><p> </p><p>Your heart shattered and you sobbed, your shoulders shaking, snot running down your lip. "Fuck you. Go to hell, both of you." And then you left. </p><p> </p><p>Rey was silent for the rest of the night, but you could hear her sobs in the shower. You tried to comfort her but she assured you she was fine, that she should have seen it coming. Your stomach stayed in knots. You laid awake for hours, Rey's steady breaths reassuring you that she was sleeping and you were glad at least one of you could feel some peace. You kept imagining if you had convinced her to stay back. You could have made mashed potatoes and stuffing and sat on Rey and Sophie's shared kitchen floor and ate until you felt sick. That would have felt like family. You could have gone to Kylo's afterwards. You would have brought him some leftovers. He would have fucked you on the couch and then held you there until you climbed off. You would have fell asleep next to him, content with an oddly wonderful thanksgiving. The fantasy played over and over again in your mind. You should have fought her on it. You should have known. </p><p> </p><p>Your phone lit up beside your pillow. You squinted at the bright screen. It was a call. And it was from Kylo. You slid out of bed, trying not to wake Rey, and snatched the key card off the nightstand before sliding out the door and into the hallway. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you said softly. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi." </p><p> </p><p>He sounded sleepy. </p><p> </p><p>"It's late, are you okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, I'm fine." Something about his voice seemed off. </p><p> </p><p>"Happy thanksgiving."</p><p> </p><p>"How was your dinner?" His voice was extra mumbled, and you frowned, struggling to catch his words.</p><p> </p><p>"Not great. Are you sure you're okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes. Fine. What happened at dinner?"</p><p> </p><p>"We fought."</p><p> </p><p>"Who's we?"</p><p> </p><p>"Everyone, I guess."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>It was the first time you had ever heard him say those words. </p><p> </p><p>"How was your night?" you asked, frowning. </p><p> </p><p>"Fine."</p><p> </p><p>"What are you doing now?"</p><p> </p><p>"Smoking."</p><p> </p><p>"What's the occasion?" You slid down the wall and folded your knees into your chest.</p><p> </p><p>"Thanksgiving."</p><p> </p><p>"Odd occasion to smoke for." </p><p> </p><p>"I guess I'm a bit drunk too."</p><p> </p><p>You pinched your lip. Kylo calling you drunk in the middle of the night seemed laughable, but all you felt was fear. </p><p> </p><p>"It's hard to imagine you drunk."</p><p> </p><p>"That's weird. I can easily imagine you drunk." His voice was slurred, but still deep and throaty. </p><p> </p><p>"Really? What am I like drunk?"  </p><p> </p><p>"A bit annoying probably. And really concerned about everything."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, you're not totally off." </p><p> </p><p>He chuckled. </p><p> </p><p>"What did you have for thanksgiving dinner?" you asked, messing with the hem of your shorts. His voice was comforting. It's just cause you had a hard day, you told yourself.</p><p> </p><p>"Uhh, pasta."</p><p> </p><p>"Pasta for thanksgiving?"</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>"Weird."</p><p> </p><p>"What did you have?" he mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>You tried to imagine what he looked like. In a hoodie, probably, moonlight on his face, eyelids heavy from the alcohol. </p><p> </p><p>"Turkey, potatoes, rolls, the usual."</p><p> </p><p>"When do you get back?"</p><p> </p><p>"Late tomorrow," you answered. </p><p> </p><p>"Why late?"</p><p> </p><p>"It's an eleven hour drive."</p><p> </p><p>"Wow."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah."</p><p> </p><p>"You could have asked me for plane tickets."</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes stung with tears. You weren't sure why you were on the edge of crying. Exhaustion, maybe? Mixed with hearing Kylo's voice. And the fact that his voice was saying nice, drunk things. And the fact that you weren't sure which Kylo was real. Was it the Kylo who held your hand and remembered Rey's name, or the Kylo that yelled at people through the phone? The Kylo that Poe described, as ruthless and power hungry, or the Kylo that Ivy called selfish. The Kylo that fucked you and left you, or the one that listened and stayed when you asked?</p><p> </p><p>"Rey wouldn't have let me."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm." </p><p> </p><p>"Are you sure you're okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't ask me something I've already answered."</p><p> </p><p>You squeezed your eyes and the tears fell free. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," you whispered and sniffled. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you crying?"</p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>"Why are you crying?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not."</p><p> </p><p>"I can tell that you are."</p><p> </p><p>"I had a bad day."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>You wiped at the snot under your nose. </p><p> </p><p>"Why did you call me?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm drunk."</p><p> </p><p>"If you weren't drunk you wouldn't have called me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Probably not."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh."</p><p> </p><p>"Does that hurt your feelings?"</p><p> </p><p>You paused. </p><p> </p><p>"Maybe a little."</p><p> </p><p>"It shouldn't."</p><p> </p><p>You set your forehead against your knees. This isn't what you needed. </p><p> </p><p>"Why not?"</p><p> </p><p>"What I say shouldn't matter to you."</p><p> </p><p>His words sounded just like Ivy's. Your chest ached. </p><p> </p><p>"What if it does?"</p><p> </p><p>"Then you should change it so that it doesn't."</p><p> </p><p>"How?"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't expect things from me."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't think I do."</p><p> </p><p>"You act like you do."</p><p> </p><p>"I'll try not to."</p><p> </p><p>You took deep breaths. You didn't want to cry anymore. </p><p> </p><p>"Sometimes I think you forget this isn't real," he said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>Your heart dropped into your stomach. </p><p> </p><p>"I never forget that." </p><p> </p><p>"Good." </p><p> </p><p>"I should go." You hung up without hearing his reply. Everything ached, and you clasped your hand over your mouth to hide your sobs. He was wrong. You never convinced yourself it was real. In fact, you had to constantly remind yourself it wasn't. And maybe you were fine with it. But now, after everything that had happened, after how sweet he had been to you lately, it was the last thing you needed to hear. </p><p> </p><p>When you awoke the next morning your eyes were puffy. So were Rey's. The drive home felt longer. Your conversation with Kylo replayed in your mind for eleven hours. It hurt less now that it was daytime. This was the reality of the arrangement. You knew that since the beginning. Lately, you had just let yourself get too comfortable. You needed to change that. You needed to keep reminding yourself of what was real and what wasn't. And Kylo wasn't real. </p><p> </p><p>When Rey dropped you back at your apartment it was late. Ivy was glad to see you and she let you ramble on the couch and purge all the terrible things that had happened. She was surprisingly nice when you described the phone call. </p><p> </p><p>"I got a little attached during my first arrangement too, but I got over it. Just don't pretend it's real, not even for second. It's just a business deal."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not attached, I don't think. Like I enjoy his company, but I would never want to be with him because... he's so cold, right? It would be hard to be with someone so distant?," you asked, searching for confirmation.</p><p> </p><p>"Exactly, just keep that in mind and you have nothing to worry about. Though, that's why I started working at Cloud Nine, so that I would have something to fill my time. I mean, if you think about it, he's the only thing you really have right now. You should get a job, it will distract you."</p><p> </p><p>"I wouldn't have this problem in the first place if I could find a job."</p><p> </p><p>"It's been a few weeks since you last looked for one, right? I'm sure there's new openings."</p><p> </p><p>You felt better after that and you decided to text him before you fell asleep. </p><p> </p><p>I'm back. Sorry, I think I acted weird when you called me. It was just a bad day for me. I don't have any expectations or wrong ideas. A true professional, I promise. </p><p> </p><p>When you woke up, he had texted you back. </p><p> </p><p>Come over at 8.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Twice Isn't Enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>**I know after our fight we all want some fluff! But yeah, no &lt;3, sorry that's not what's going to happen lmao. Enjoy anyways.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You held your breath and smoothed your hands over the black dress Ivy had let you borrow. You were probably a little overdressed for just spending the night in his apartment, but after the thanksgiving phone call, you felt the need to overcompensate. You were even wearing the black lingerie set, though he hadn't asked you to. You figured it would be a nice surprise. </p><p> </p><p>You heard footsteps from behind the door, and then the click of the lock. Kylo looked nice. Black button down, no suit jacket today, and his hair neat and pushed back. The sight of his face brought you comfort, and you scolded yourself internally. No. Seeing him shouldn't bring you any emotion at all. </p><p> </p><p>You stepped inside and he shut the door behind you. </p><p> </p><p>"You want something to drink?" he asked.</p><p> </p><p>"Um, do you have a bottle open?"</p><p> </p><p>"Always."</p><p> </p><p>You smiled, relieved to hear his casual tone. He didn't seem angry. Why did you always assume he would be angry? </p><p> </p><p>He pulled a wine bottle from the fridge and poured it into a glass. You were almost tempted to say something like, <em>I missed you</em> or <em>I'm sorry I wasn't here for thanksgiving</em>. You had to scold yourself yet again. You weren't allowed to think those things, and you certainly could not say them out loud. </p><p> </p><p>You followed him to the couch and sipped on your wine, tucking your legs beneath you. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry about the phone-"</p><p> </p><p>"We don't have to discuss that," he interrupted. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you stared at your glass. You had gotten so comfortable recently, but now that comfort was wavering. Were you allowed to feel comfortable? Ivy always explained the agreement as being like a fake relationship-- that meant sex, affection, and conversation, but without the real feelings. This whole time you were trying to follow that outline, but maybe you had become too relaxed about it. How were you supposed to know how to act if he wouldn't tell you?</p><p> </p><p>"You look nervous."</p><p> </p><p>You snapped your head up. He was gazing at you with smug curiosity. </p><p> </p><p>"No, I'm fine."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo tilted his head. "Liar."</p><p> </p><p>You sighed and placed your glass on the coffee table. "I don't want to act the wrong way, after what you said on the phone."</p><p> </p><p>He shifted his jaw. "I was drunk on the phone."</p><p> </p><p>"So you didn't mean what you said?"</p><p> </p><p>"No, I did. I just wouldn't have said it if I weren't drunk."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm," you rubbed your lips together. "That doesn't really make me feel better."</p><p> </p><p>"It's not my job to make you feel better."</p><p> </p><p>Your face fell and you shifted in your seat. He could be so brutal sometimes, not often, but every once in a while he said these unnecessarily harsh things. You tried not to let it faze you too much. </p><p> </p><p>"Right." You stared out the high windows at the sparkling city lights. After the events of the past two days, all you needed was for him to be decent for one moment. In a way, he was your boss. A boss should take care of his employees, so that they won't leave. It would be so easy for you to leave. His hand covered your thigh, the tips of his fingers brushing under the hem of your dress. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't expect you to act any different. It's your first time. I was making sure you didn't have the wrong expectations" he said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>You weren't sure if he was being genuine-- his bland tone never let you in on his intentions-- or if he was just trying to make up so he could get in your pants. You decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, partly because you also wanted to get in <em>his</em> pants. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay. That's okay." You scooted closer to him, pushing his fingers higher up your thigh. A small smile pulled at your lips. "Sometimes I forget your wiser than me."</p><p> </p><p>"That makes me sound old."</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged teasingly. "You are old." </p><p> </p><p>Kylo shook his head, a ghost of a smile forming on his lips. You chuckled, your anxieties gone. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm wearing the black one," you announced softly.</p><p> </p><p>He blinked, taking a moment to realize what you meant, and his irises darkened as he pushed his hand to your inner thigh, tugging you closer. You giggled and leaned your jaw up, silently asking him to kiss you. He did. His hand stayed on your thigh, caressing your skin, as his lips moved against yours, minty and comforting. You pressed your fingers against his jaw, feeling the sharp line of bone under your touch, and let your hand travel downwards, dragging down his throat, until you reached the top button of his shirt. You wasted no time in working on the buttons, popping them open one by one, while his tongue danced with yours. When his shirt was open, you spread your palms against his chest, savoring the feel of his skin and toned muscle, and pushed his shirt off his shoulders and down his arms. His hands found your zipper, and he dragged it down your spine, tugging at your straps until they slipped down, exposing the black lace bra underneath. </p><p> </p><p>His eyes scanned over your breasts for a moment before he kissed you again, and ran his hands over them. Your breathing was quickening, pulse hammering in your throat, and familiar warmth was pooling in your cunt. You pushed your dress down your legs and onto the floor, desperate now to grant him full access to your body. He moaned into your mouth and his giant hands gripped your thighs, pulling you on top of him. You straddled him and pushed your pussy onto his lap, grinding against him. </p><p> </p><p>This was an addiction, the feeling of him under you, his tongue in your mouth, the smell of cologne. How could anyone have this and not be addicted?</p><p> </p><p>You sighed at the friction, cunt tingling, and leaned forward to press your mouth against his. Kylo had other ideas. His fingers found the back of your bra, and unhooked the clasp, as if he had done it hundred times, which you were certain he had. The fabric slipped down your arms exposing your bare tits. He ran his thumbs over your nipples, making you shudder, and leaned forward to press his lips to them. Kylo left wet kisses across your breasts, making them cool in the exposed air, as you continued to slowly rock your hips. His tongue found your nipple and he closed his mouth over it, sucking and nipping gently with his teeth. You wound your fingers in his hair and tugged lightly, arching your back, and mumbling.</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, I missed this."</p><p> </p><p>The feel of his tongue, warm and wet, spreading over your nipples, to be followed by the gentle biting and tugging by his teeth was driving you crazy, propelling your neediness forward. You could feel him hardening beneath your cunt and your heartbeat was pounding in your clit. His mouth left your tits, and he grabbed your hips, flipping you over on the couch and standing up. You watched him, brows knit together, confused as to why his body was no longer pressed against yours, but when he kneeled in front of you, butterflies swarmed in your gut and you blinked at him with anticipation. He tugged on your thighs, pulling your cunt to the edge of the sofa. Despite having done this before with him, you were still nervous, frightened of the intimacy that was having his mouth against your cunt. He scattered kisses across your inner thigh until he reached your panties, where he dragged his mouth across the fabric covering your cunt, making you squirm. He reached the top hem and wrapped his mouth around it, tugging the lace down with his teeth. Your breath rattled in your chest at the sight, as he tugged them down your legs, yanking them off with his hands when they got past your thighs. His fingers pushed your legs wider, and he pressed his mouth to the sides of your thighs, inches from your center. You rested a hand against the back of his head, urging him on. Finally, his tongue ran across your slit, tasting your wetness and brushing your clit. </p><p> </p><p>"So wet for me already," he mumbled, eyes trained on your face. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded quickly, words dying on your lips. His tongue ran across your slit again, and you shivered, desperation growing wilder. You tugged on his hair, and he pushed his tongue against your entrance. You leaned your head against the sofa, whimpering. He pulsed his tongue against your entrance, before sliding a finger into your cunt, pumping it in and out slowly. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, god, oh, fuck," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo dragged his tongue along your clit softly, and added another finger, pace still slow and controlled. Your fingers tightened in his hair, and you arched your hips, clit seeking more pressure. He pushed your pelvis back against the couch.</p><p> </p><p>"We're needy tonight, hmm?" he hummed. </p><p> </p><p>You whined and nodded. </p><p> </p><p>"Beg for it," he demanded lowly, lightly running his tongue over your clit.</p><p> </p><p>"Please Kylo, please, please." There was no point in hiding how much you wanted it. You were already dripping. </p><p> </p><p>"Not Kylo." He pressed harder. </p><p> </p><p>"Please, daddy," you panted. </p><p> </p><p>He obeyed, wrapping his mouth around your bud and sucking lightly. You gasped and whimpered, head leaning back, legs shaking. Waves of prickling heat rolled through your core. He added a third finger, slowly pumping in and out of you and curling gently, pushing against your walls. His teeth scraped your clit and he pulled it between his teeth softly. You shivered and cursed, the pressure in your pussy building. His pace picked up, only barely, and he thrusted his fingers into you deeper, curling harder against your walls, massaging your g spot. You grabbed one of your tits and kneaded it, searching for more stimulation anywhere you could find, pulling at your nipple. Kylo caught sight of you and hummed against your clit, spiraling you closer to your peak. </p><p> </p><p> "Wait, I'm-" you tugged on his hair, "Kylo, I'm gonna come."</p><p> </p><p>His lips left your clit for only a second. "Then come." </p><p> </p><p>His mouth wrapped around your bud and sucked harder, moaning against it. That was the last straw, and you came undone beneath his mouth, squirming and panting, cunt clenching around his fingers, buzzing satisfaction spreading across your center. Kylo's fingers and mouth stayed put until your orgasm finished and your muscles relaxed into the sofa. He pulled out of you slowly and wiped his mouth with the back of his palm. You pulled your legs together and sat up, thinking he might want you to take his cock in your mouth. Instead, he kissed you slowly, tongue sliding against your lips. </p><p> </p><p>"Come." He tugged on your arm and you stood, following him to the bedroom. </p><p> </p><p>It was noticeably darker, the city lights barely peeking through the curtains. You squinted into the blackness, making out the outline of the bed and crossing the room to lay down on it. Kylo disappeared into the closet, and you leaned against the headboard annoyed at his absence. Seconds passed but he didn't return, so you took matters into your own hands, slipping your fingers between your legs and massaging your clit slowly, trying to maintain your neediness. The closet door squeaked and you snapped your hand away. Kylo crossed the room, something in his grip you couldn't recognize through the dimness.</p><p> </p><p>"Were you touching yourself?" he asked, leaning against the end of the bed. </p><p> </p><p>You pressed your lips together and nodded, shyly. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you want to come again?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>He set the item on the bed and unbuckled his pants, sliding them down along with his underwear. His cock sprung free, huge and hard against his stomach. You gulped as he climbed towards you, hovering above you, dick brushing your leg. He had the mystery object in his hand, and it was close enough for you to recognize now. A vibrator. </p><p> </p><p>"Is that a-"</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want it?"</p><p> </p><p>You pretended to think about it, but there was no question in your mind. "Yes." </p><p> </p><p>His mouth found yours and you sighed against his lips, post-orgasm bliss still humming in your veins. He pushed your legs open, and you braced yourself to take his cock, but instead a soft buzzing filled the air, and your mind didn't get to process what was happening until the vibrator was pressed against your clit. You yelped, legs shaking, clit being pulsed by the smooth head of the toy. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh my god, wait, fuck," you gasped, throwing your head back. It had been awhile since you'd used one, not to mention your clit was still sensitive from the attack Kylo's mouth had made on it. Kylo moved his lips to your tits, swirling his tongue across your nipple, the warmth in your bud spreading through your cunt quickly. Kylo rocked the vibrator against you gently, and you arched into it. Oh god, this one would be quick. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo, wait, wait, wait," you pressed against his wrist, and closed your legs halfway, sending a new buzzing through your legs. "It's gonna make me come again," you whimpered. </p><p> </p><p>"You can handle it," he mumbled against your tit. </p><p> </p><p>He must have pressed a button, because the vibrating increased, beating against your bud with intense shaking pressure. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck," you breathed. Legs shaking, a second orgasm tugging at you. You thrusted your hips into the toy, pressing it harder onto your clit and your body jolted. You yelped slurred nothingness into the air, as your orgasm shook you, splitting through your center, warm streams of bliss dissolving under your skin. You clamped your legs shut, walls clenching around nothing, clit humming with satisfaction. Kylo kept the vibrator against you until you shoved it away, your clit oversensitive and starting to feel sore. </p><p> </p><p>You relaxed into the sheets, panting. Kylo kissed along your neck up to your lips. </p><p> </p><p>"Good girl," he whispered into your mouth. You could feel his hand moving, jerking his own cock. You propped yourself on your elbow and reached down, wrapping your fingers against his throbbing length and stroking it. "You want to come again?" he moaned. </p><p> </p><p>In all honesty, you weren't sure you would even be able to, but you were willing to try. "Yes."</p><p> </p><p>That's all he needed. He positioned himself at your entrance and brushed the head of his dick through your folds, before finally pushing into you, dick grinding against your walls. You whimpered, the pressure in your core returning. He grunted, slamming into you deep and slow. You had to keep yourself from closing your legs, clit tingling, core still sensitive. </p><p> </p><p>"Ow, shit, Kylo," you squealed, squeezing your eyes shut and letting your mouth hang open. </p><p> </p><p>The buzzing noise filled the air again and you squirmed, nervously. </p><p> </p><p>"You can take it," he growled in your ear, and placed the pulsing head of the vibrator against your clit lightly. </p><p> </p><p>You lurched forward, knees drawing together and he slipped out of you. His hands pinned your legs back onto the mattress, and he pushed into you again harshly. This time when he pressed the toy to your clit, you took deep breaths, focusing on the feeling of his dick scraping your walls. You whined and sobbed quietly as he fucked you, deep strokes pushing into your stomach. </p><p> </p><p>He pressed his lips to yours for a moment, and whispered, "You're doing so good baby, you can do it," into your hair. </p><p> </p><p>Your legs were trembling violently, vibrator painfully rumbling against your numbing bud, but your cunt was still aching with need, begging to come. You couldn't help it, your knees tried to close again, but this time he let them, pushing them both to rest against each other to one side, and pushing his cock back into you, pulling on the top of your thigh as he thrust against your clenching walls. The toy was trapped between your thighs now, pressed firmly against your clit, vibrating your inner thighs as well, sending tingles through your nerves. You sobbed and pushed the side of your face against the sheets. </p><p> </p><p>"Ky-Kylo, I'm gonna come, ow, fuck, I'm gonna come," you cried out, tears now escaping from your eyes, dripping across the bridge of your nose and into the sheets. </p><p> </p><p>His breathing was heavy, mixing with the noise of his skin slapping yours, and he was cursing under his breath, clearly holding in his real moans. </p><p> </p><p>He kissed your temple. "Alright, baby, come for me." He pressed a button on the toy, and the buzzing intensified.</p><p> </p><p>He thrust impossibly deep and you yelped, sobbing as you came, the thread of your third orgasm unraveling in your core, spreading bliss through it's strands, down your legs and across your stomach. You pulled your arms against your chest, leaning your head down, as your body trembled, and pure euphoria gripped your nerves. Kylo was still rocking into you, groans escaping his lips, his thrusts becoming sloppier. After pulling the vibrator out from between your legs, all you could do was lie there and try to stop your tears as he pushed into you, again and again. Through the foggy haze, you could hear him yell, "fuck" and warmth spread over your walls, his cum coating your insides. You stayed rolled into your little ball as he caught his breath and pulled out, collapsing next to you. </p><p> </p><p>He pressed a kiss to the back of your neck and whispered your name. </p><p> </p><p>"Hmm?" you hummed, tears dissolving, clit numb and exhausted. </p><p> </p><p>His arms wrapped around your waist and pulled you until your back was pressed against your chest. Kylo scattered soft kisses across your shoulder, and you slowly unraveled yourself from your ball, pushing your legs down and straightening your neck. </p><p> </p><p>"You did so good," he said against your skin. </p><p> </p><p>"Really?" you sighed, body heavy. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, good," you mumbled. "It hurt."</p><p> </p><p>"Did you remember your word?"</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm?" you scrunched your brow.</p><p> </p><p>"Your safe word."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, yes."</p><p> </p><p>"What is it?"</p><p> </p><p>"Gold."</p><p> </p><p>A kiss to your jaw. "Very good."</p><p> </p><p>You flipped over slowly, careful to not press your legs together-- your clit could not handle any pressure at the moment-- and placed your head under his chin, grabbing his arm and pulling it so that his hand was resting on your back. He ran his fingers up and down your spine. </p><p> </p><p>"I have to go to New York on Monday." </p><p> </p><p>"For how long?" You hated it, but something inside your stomach dropped. Disappointment. The thought of not seeing him for a period of time. You weren't sure how you ever survived the week before thanksgiving, last week that is. Seemed like forever ago. </p><p> </p><p>"Only one night."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you scooted closer to him. One night wasn't a big deal. Why would he need to tell you this?</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want to come with me?"</p><p> </p><p>You pulled your head back to look at him. His cheeks were still slightly flushed, and his eyes were glossy, stunning, as always, but deadly serious. </p><p> </p><p>"To New York?"</p><p> </p><p>He nodded. </p><p> </p><p>"If you really want me there then yes. I'd love to. I've never been."</p><p> </p><p>"Jesus, you've never been to New York?" he grumbled. </p><p> </p><p>You chuckled quietly and shook your head. </p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath and his jaw twitched, as if there was an eternal struggle storming in his brain. He pressed his mouth to yours for a short, too short, moment. </p><p> </p><p>"You just came for me three times. Of course I want you there." </p><p> </p><p>You tucked your head back under his jaw and smiled to yourself.<em> Of course I want you there.</em> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. The Stranger in New York</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>At 8 a.m Monday morning a town car picked you up. Apparently, Kylo had left hours ago for early meetings and had decided to spare you from waking up at 4 a.m. Even so, you wouldn't have minded going with him. Seeing a grumpy, bed-head ridden Kylo would have a been a nice start to the day. </p><p> </p><p>It took about four hours to get there with traffic, and you lulled in an out of sleep, time whirling by without much effort. As you drove into the city, your gut stirred with anticipation, and you watched the rows of skyscrapers come closer and closer, the morning light glimmering against  their surfaces. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you like working for Kylo?" you asked the driver, who had been mostly silent during the trip. He glanced in the rearview mirror suddenly, as if he had forgotten you were there. </p><p> </p><p>"Mr. Ren is a fine employer."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded. Yeah, not bad. </p><p> </p><p>"Does he speak to you very much?" you continued. </p><p> </p><p>The driver rubbed his hand against his chin, eyes focused on the road.</p><p> </p><p>"Not much, Miss."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," you sighed, "he doesn't say much to me either. And please, you don't need to call me Miss." </p><p> </p><p>You gave him your name and he gave you his. Jack. </p><p> </p><p>You were in the midst of the buildings now, watching the steady stream of people scurrying through the sidewalks. The car pulled to the side, under a giant red awning, and you pushed your door open before the driver could beat you to it. The air smelled like smoke and winter, filled with the rumblings of traffic, and you breathed it in, happy to be somewhere new. The driver insisted on taking your bags up to the room for you, but you assured him you would prefer to take them yourself. He finally agreed, saying he'd be on call for you if you decided to explore the city, and gave you his card, which you thanked him for. </p><p> </p><p>You rolled your suitcase through the wide glass doors, with a nervous glance back at the retreating town car. As soon as you saw the lobby, you forgot about being left alone. Beige marble columns held up the high ceilings.  A chandelier made of glass leaves threw a warm glow across the room. There were two koi ponds in the middle, lined by lanterns imbedded in the tile. An assortment of couches sat at the end of the room between the front desk and a low lit bar. </p><p> </p><p>You gave the woman at the front desk Kylo's name and she nodded at the computer screen. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, I spoke with him earlier, he told me you'd be here." </p><p> </p><p>She handed you a card and pointed to the elevator. </p><p> </p><p>"You're on the top floor. Enjoy your stay Ms. Ren."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, uh, thanks," you blushed and turned quickly, the title<em> Ms. Ren  </em>flashing in your mind like a broken store sign. </p><p> </p><p>According to the buttons in the elevator, floor 60 was the highest. You chewed on your nails, anxious to drop your bag off and go exploring. There was a ding and the doors opened. You dragged your suitcase through the hallways. The spacing of the doors seemed odd. They were much farther from each other than normal. Finally you found it. 604. </p><p> </p><p>Sometimes you forgot how rich Kylo was. You were getting used to his apartment, the striking affect of it's lavishness no longer felt surprising. His perfectly tailored suits seemed normal now. This hotel room reminded you of his wealth. It was mostly white with dark wood accents, a stark difference to Kylo's bedroom. Not that this was a bedroom. It was practically a full apartment. A kitchenette on one wall, a large marble dining table with dark wooden legs taking up the space in front of it. There was a sofa and two chairs, on top of a thick gray rug. One wall was entirely window, giving you a full view of Manhattan. And of course, a large bed, with a plush white comforter. You blinked and scoffed with a small smile. Tucking your suitcase into a corner, you explored the space, looking in the fridge to find sparkling waters, opening random cabinets, and peeking inside the only two doors. A small closet. And a bathroom with a double headed shower. You pulled out your phone and snapped Ivy a video tour. She snapped back seconds later a picture of her with wide eyes and in all caps, "IS HE INTERESTED IN  A THREE WAY BECAUSE I CAN GRAB AN UBER AND BE THERE ASAP?!?!!" </p><p> </p><p>You laughed and sent her a picture of yourself in the giant bathroom mirror with the words "FUCK OFF." </p><p> </p><p>You changed from leggings to black jeans, and replaced your hoodie with the plaid coat Rey got you last year for Christmas. You reminded yourself to text her soon. With gloves stuffed in your pockets and a scarf around your neck, you gathered your phone and wallet and looked around the room to make sure you weren't forgetting anything. An envelope on the nightstand caught your eye. You weren't sure how you hadn't noticed it before. It was cream with your name scribbled on the front in Kylo's handwriting. You smiled at the way he wrote it, cursive with big loops, and you traced your fingers along the thick black lines before carefully peeling it open. You pulled out a rectangular slip of paper. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Anything you want. 1138. Don't lose it. I'll see you tonight. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>-K</em>
</p><p> </p><p>There was still a weight in the envelope and you reached in, fingers touching metal. A black card. His credit card. He left you with his fucking credit card. You laughed in disbelief, staring at the print of his name on the card. </p><p> </p><p>"Holy shit," you whispered,  mind screaming. Giving you his credit card held more weight than just money. He had to trust you. Kylo trusted you. You took a deep breath, composing yourself, and hid the card away in your wallet along with the note. </p><p> </p><p>You had plenty of time to waste while you waited for Kylo to finish work, but you were on edge at the prospect of wandering the city alone. You tried anyways, mapping some close by stores and following the directions on your phone. In the end, it proved to be a far less daunting task than you had stressed.  Sak's Fifth Avenue served as your first destination, and you beelined straight towards the shoes. Borrowing Ivy's heels so often was not ideal. You chose a pair of black Prada booties, velvet and sleek, the kind of shoe you could imagine wearing to more fancy dinner dates. The price tag said 950. Handbags were next. There was a red leather Gucci one-- the clerk described it as a mini bag-- with a gold buckle on the front. Only 830, which was far cheaper than the Chanel he had tried to get you. Next, a pair of Dior sunglasses that suited your face shape. 500.</p><p> </p><p>You stood in line, his heavy black card resting between your fingers. How much was too much? You wondered if you should stop after this. You could move on to sight seeing and feel content with these three items. But you reminded yourself: Kylo had almost spent 14k on you a couple weeks ago. And with that fact lingering in your mind, the fear of buying <em>too much</em> dissolved. He said you could get anything. Anything. And this time, he wasn't here to watch. </p><p> </p><p>The rest of the shopping trip was a bit of a blur. A few more stores. An Alexander McQueen wallet. A black dress by Jonathan Simkhai. A light blue lingerie set. Gold Jimmy Choo's. At each purchase, you swiped his card with tingling fingers and a prideful smile.</p><p> </p><p>Walking around with shopping bags filled with expensive items felt dangerous and you only had a couple hours left to sightsee, so you called Jack. He was there within minutes, and offered you a warm smile as you shuffled into the backseat, arms full with bags. </p><p> </p><p>"Where to?" he asked, eyeing you in the rearview mirror. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm not sure. What, um, what should I see?"</p><p> </p><p>A pedestrian stepped out from behind a parked van and Jack honked, muttering annoyances under his breath. </p><p> </p><p>"Brooklyn bridge is good if you wanna get a good view. You can see lady liberty from there too, just barely. "</p><p> </p><p>"Alright, then."</p><p> </p><p>It turned out to be a good suggestion. You leaned against the railing for as long as you could brave the cold, trying to remember every detail. New York wasn't all that far from home, but you kept feeling like this, this one day, would be your only chance to see it. You kept assuring yourself that you could come back someday soon, maybe with Rey or Ivy, but the panic of trying to experience the city in one night still exhausted your conscious. When your fingers were numb and your nose was red, you found a coffee shop and wandered the streets, periodically stepping into stores for warmth, with a latte in hand. As the evening inched closer, you realized you had no clue when Kylo would come back, so you opted for the safest decision: going back to the room and waiting for him.</p><p> </p><p>By the time you got back to the hotel, your feet were aching and your blood was buzzing with caffeine. You weren't sure whether Kylo would take you out or want to stay in, so you took a hot shower and curled your hair just in case. And then you waited. You wasted time by staring out the window, trying to stamp the view in your mind forever, and eventually relaxing on the couch, becoming restless with each passing minute. Precious minutes you could be spending outside, in the city, exploring.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo walked through the front door at 6, ensemble all black today-- suit, shirt and tie. You sat up on the couch, smoothing your hair with your fingers and offered him a wide smile. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you said, standing and stepping towards him. He met you halfway, in front of the marble table, and you lifted on your toes to press a quick kiss to his lips. "You look handsome." You ran a hand over his tie, and avoided eye contact. "Were your meetings okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, did you go shopping?"</p><p> </p><p>You blushed and crossed the room quickly, pulling your coat from the closet, and finding his card tucked away in your wallet. You handed it to him and tried to not look as anxious as you felt. "Uh, yes I did. Is that okay?"</p><p> </p><p>He returned the card to his wallet without looking away from your face. "It's what I wanted you to do. Show me."</p><p> </p><p>"What?"</p><p> </p><p>"Show me what you got."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped. You never imagined that he'd want to see the items. You had specifically bought so many things with the comfort of knowing he wouldn't see them. Knowing he wouldn't see how greedy you had been with his money. You scratched your nails against your palm and frowned, slowly walking to where you had hidden the bags at the top of the closet. Kylo sat on the edge of the bed as you pulled them down. You stared at them in your hands, stomach knotting. </p><p> </p><p>"It's nothing special. Just clothes and things."</p><p> </p><p>"I want to see."</p><p> </p><p>You sighed and brought the items to the bed. With shaky fingers, you laid the assortment of shoes, purses, and clothes out, one by one, onto the comforter, trying to not look at Kylo. The ample collection seemed even larger now, all spread out, price tags visible and bright. God, how much did you buy? And Kylo was looking at it, looking at all the things you had spent his hard earned money on.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't think I meant to get this much." You snatched the red purse and shoved it back into a shopping bag. "I'll return a few."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo caught your wrist, his grip gentle but binding. With his free hand he tugged on the baby blue lingerie set. "I like this one," he said, pulling on your arm, bringing you to stand next to him. </p><p> </p><p>You gave him a small smile, anxiety still lodged in your throat. "I thought you might." A stray strand of hair was dangling next to his eyes and you tucked it away, admiring his complexion. Dark irises. Soft lips. Scattered freckles. </p><p> </p><p>For the first time today, you realized that you would have much rather spent the afternoon with him than alone. Maybe that's why you were so on edge. It wasn't your only chance to see New York. It was your only chance to see it with Kylo. You leaned forward and pressed your lips to his, denying him the opportunity to see the pitiful look on your face. You kissed him deeply, hoping his mouth could rid you of your worry. It almost did. You pushed closer to him, resting your hands on the back of his neck.</p><p> </p><p>He pulled away with curious eyes and nodded toward the bathroom. "Go put your dress on."</p><p> </p><p>You blinked at his serious expression and cleared your throat. "Are we leaving?"</p><p> </p><p>"It's your first night in New York. We're not spending it in the hotel."</p><p> </p><p>You smiled in relief. "Alright."</p><p> </p><p>You pulled your dress and heels from the bed and scurried into the bathroom. You slipped out of your jeans and into the dress. It was constructed of double layered sheer fabric, hanging halfway down your calves. Elegant but still sexy, hugging your waist and hips. You darkened your makeup, a little more eyeliner and mascara. Some subtle lipstick. Lastly were the heels. Gold pumps. They were going to kill your feet, but you didn't care. You wanted to walk around New York in the new heels your sugar daddy had bought for you. Jesus, how had your life turned into this?</p><p> </p><p>You stepped out of the bathroom and grabbed your coat from the closet, draping it over your arm not wanting to hide your dress yet. Still on the edge of the bed, Kylo looked up from his phone and lingered his gaze over your body. You smiled shyly, shuffling on your feet, intimidated by his heavy stare. He approached you, buttoning his suit jacket together, and ran a hand over your waist and hip, fingers gliding over the fabric, his way of telling you he liked it. You looked at the floor, cheeks burning. </p><p> </p><p>"Where are we going?" you said, placing your fingers over his.</p><p> </p><p>"You'll see."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Walking into Eleven Madison Park felt like walking into a world you didn't belong in. The white clothed tables were full with lively, but respectfully low, conversations, lavish assortments of food in front of the guests. Slow music bounced against the high ceilings and an enormous blue painting was set in the middle of one wall, the instant attraction to any eyes entering the space. It was easily the nicest restaurant you'd ever been to, and as the hostess guided you to a table, you texted Ivy discreetly, phone resting against your hip.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I'm at a really nice restaurant with Kylo rn and it's so fancy I'm literally scared. If theres more than one fork I WILL NOT KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE. I'm gonna puke.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The hostess stopped at a table in the corner, which you were thankful for the bit of privacy, and you sat down, flashing her a smile before glancing around the room, taking in the scene of elitists sipping wine in their thousand dollar dresses. You weren't exactly far off. Your dress had been almost that. Shoes too. The gold bracelet on your arm <em>far</em> more than that. And you were about to eat a meal that would cost just as much as theirs, and then go back to a hotel room that you were sure some of them might not even be able to afford. Maybe you were closer to this world than you thought. </p><p> </p><p>The menu was fucking weird. That was one thing you were starting to learn-- expensive didn't always mean attractive or pleasing, sometimes it just meant really strange. First of all, the date was printed at the top, meaning they were making different dishes every night, which screamed stupidly overpriced. There were only ten or so dishes all printed in a line, no differentiation of what was an appetizer, entree, or dessert. You saw sea urchin and lamb and inwardly cringed. Your palette was not that refined yet. </p><p> </p><p>The waitress came by and Kylo ordered a bottle of wine, completely relaxed and unintimidated. You wished you could live in his mind for a day. It would be nice to feel his unwavering confidence. </p><p> </p><p>"What appetizer would you like?"</p><p> </p><p>You glanced up to see the waitress looking right at you. "Oh, um." You scanned the menu again. Which ones were the appetizers? Fuck. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stepped in, saving you from your embarrassing lack of experience, and ordered himself a dish, though you didn't hear the name.</p><p> </p><p>The waitress nodded at him, turning to you next, eyebrows arched and waiting for your answer. Weren't appetizers usually shared? The fuck is this?</p><p> </p><p>"Same for me," you gave her a strained smile, as she nodded and left. You relaxed your shoulders and squeezed your eyes closed for a second, feeling overwhelmingly out of place. Your anxieties from the day were unceasing. </p><p> </p><p>"Is something wrong?" Kylo asked leaning back in his chair. </p><p> </p><p>Before you could answer a new waiter appeared at the table with a bottle of wine, announced the name, and poured a splash into Kylo's cup. He sipped it, leaving it in his mouth a moment, and nodded at the waiter, who then poured it into both your cups and left. You had to press your lips together to stop yourself from laughing at the whole ordeal. It wasn't even funny, you were just so anxious and bewildered at your surroundings, laughing felt like an appealing source of comfort. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo drew his brows together and tilted his head. "What?" he asked. </p><p> </p><p>You shrugged pressing the back of your hand against your, now widely smiling, lips. "I don't know, I'm just nervous I think. This place is really nice." Your voice was muffled behind your hand, and wavering with the threat of laughter. Two seconds ago you were panicked, now you were squinting your eyes, trying not to laugh. Maybe you were just losing your mind. You glanced at the table. Three forks. You couldn't help it you giggled and leaned forward, placing your hands in front of your face, stifling the noise. If you were going to be immature, you didn't want to embarrass Kylo by letting anyone else hear.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo looked amusingly puzzled, which only made you want to laugh more. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," you breathed, trying to cut your laughter short. "Just," you looked at the forks again and pressed your fingers against your lips. You took a deep breath and motioned at your place setting. "Why the fuck are there so many forks?" You laughed again, as quietly as you could, this time holding your napkin up to your mouth. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo shook his head, the ghost of a clueless smile on his lips. "What the fuck are you even talking about?"</p><p> </p><p>You took deep breaths with your hand against your chest, and gulped down a few sips of wine, glancing at the surrounding tables to make sure no one had noticed the commotion. </p><p> </p><p>"Never mind, oh god. I think I'm just nervous." </p><p> </p><p>His eyebrows were pulled together, shoulders leaning forward, still utterly confused. </p><p> </p><p>You grinned and placed your hand over your eyes. "I just laughed at forks. I did. I laughed at forks. Wow, maybe you can't take me to nice places. They make me so nervous I laugh at fucking forks." </p><p> </p><p>He chuckled, deep and low and very real, and you uncovered your eyes quickly to take in the sight of his dimples and the crinkles by his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"I didn't even know you could laugh that much," he said with amusement. </p><p> </p><p>"What? I laugh all the time!" you defended yourself quickly. </p><p> </p><p>Your conversation was cut short by the waitress bringing your appetizers. You thanked her and stared at the plate in front of you. What the fuck even is that? Small portions of ingredients, some of them unidentifiable, were arranged on the plate to make a pattern resembling a triangle, but worse somehow. You scratched your nose and watched which fork Kylo went for. The one on the outside. You picked it up and poked at the mound of food, forcing yourself to bring some to your mouth. It was strange. You could taste cranberry and beet and...cheese? You tried to hide any strange reaction by sipping on your wine between bites. </p><p> </p><p>You attempted to ask Kylo about work, receiving vague answers as always until the waitress came back and took your entree order, which you once again copied Kylo's, unwilling to dissect the menu. The wine was buzzing under your skin, and you began to feel more relaxed, staring at the vast blue painting on the wall, and noticing a wreath on one of the giant windows. There were red bunches of flowers too in celebration of the Christmas season.</p><p> </p><p>"Are we going anywhere else tonight?" you wondered out loud.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo smirked and leaned back into his chair. "I don't know, are we?"</p><p> </p><p>You raised your eyebrows. "Are we?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>You sat up straight and leaned forwards, eyes gleaming. "Where?"</p><p> </p><p>"I can't say."</p><p> </p><p>You spent the rest of the meal jittery, wondering where he was going to take you. The entree was some type of beef stew which, once again, you thought was strange, but it was far better than the appetizer. As you ate, you told Kylo about the tiny adventures of your day and how much you were enjoying the city, and he humored your rambling with nods and short comments. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy texted you while you waited for dessert:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You're in NEW YORK WITH A VERY WEALTHY AND ATTRACTIVE MAN. enjoy it. pretend you're rich!! I'm very jealous, ily, and tell Kylo I said eat shit &lt;3</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Youchuckled at the last bit. You sort of hated that she hated him. It didn't really matter, it's not like their paths ever crossed, but still, her opinions about him always seemed to linger in the back of your mind. </p><p> </p><p>By the time you were finishing up dessert you were on the edge of your seat, anxious to discover your next destination. Kylo gave the waitress his card, commenting something about how he was in a hurry, which only made you more eager. As soon as she brought his card back, you stood and wrapped your coat around you, inching towards the door waiting for Kylo to follow. </p><p> </p><p>The cold air engulfed you while you wandered down the street, away from the restaurant. Kylo called Jack, informing him to pick you up a couple blocks away, while you admired your surroundings: high buildings with glowing windows, the slow stream of people around you all headed in different directions. Kylo tucked his phone back into his pocket, and you glanced up at him. It was nice to see him in this environment. In the busy city with his high cheekbones and expensive suit. It seemed natural for him. </p><p> </p><p>"Can't you tell me where we're going now?" you asked, shoulders brushing as you dodged other people. </p><p> </p><p>"Aren't surprises more fun?" </p><p> </p><p>You rolled your eyes. "I guess, but it will be just as surprising now as it will be in fifteen-"</p><p> </p><p>"Ben?"</p><p> </p><p>Kylo stopped dead in his tracks and you accidentally rammed into his shoulder, yelping quietly and momentarily steadying yourself by holding on to his arm. An older man, with shaggy gray hair and a matching beard, stepped in front of you, eyes flickering across Kylo's face. You frowned and switched your gaze between them. Kylo looked absolutely startled, his eyes wide and jaw tensed, shoulders rigid with surprise. You'd never seen him look so unsettled and it made your chest ache.</p><p> </p><p>"It's good to see you, Ben," the man said, extending his hand. </p><p> </p><p><em>Ben?</em> </p><p> </p><p>Kylo's lips were pressed together like he was holding his breath, and he stared at the man's gesture rudely, keeping his hands tucked into his pockets. </p><p> </p><p>"I can't say the same, Luke," he said curtly. </p><p> </p><p>You shuffled between your feet awkwardly, trying to get Kylo to look at you. He looked so angry and perplexed, you wanted to loop your arm around his, or maybe introduce yourself to the man, Luke? No pep talks from Ivy had prepared you for personal encounters with his old friends... or enemies, perhaps? You couldn't conjure the right answer quickly enough. Luke's face fell and he cleared his throat. </p><p> </p><p>"How long are you in the city for? I know Leia would love to see you," the stranger said, pulling his hand back. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo flinched at the name, Leia, and stepped back, glancing around like a trapped animal. To your surprise, he grabbed your hand, his grip tight, and mumbled, "We have to go, we have a show to catch," over his shoulder to Luke, before pulling you away. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo turned the closest corner with wide strides and dragged you down the sidewalk, his grip crushing your fingers. You had to practically jog to catch up with him, bumping into people repeatedly and muttering an "I'm sorry" with each accidental collision. Kylo's shoulders were wide and determined, but his strides were panicked and disoriented.</p><p> </p><p>"Wait, wait!" you pleaded, almost tripping in your heels. He ignored you and continued forward, dragging you behind him like a dog on a leash. "Kylo please wait, I'm going to fall."</p><p> </p><p>He hesitated, giving you the chance to balance your stance and step in front of him. You pushed your hand against his chest, preventing him from moving forward. The sight of his face made your stomach drop. Pure panic. Lips pressed together firmly, eyes wild, brows furrowed. His chest was rising quickly under your palm. You could feel the relentless pounding of his heart. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you okay? What just happened?" you asked softly.</p><p> </p><p>Someone bumped into your shoulder harshly and you flinched, pulling on Kylo's arm to move sideways under the protection of a closed restaurant's awning.</p><p> </p><p>He stared at the ground, offering you no answer apart from his ragged breaths. You had a million questions. Why did he call you Ben? Who was that? Who's Leia? Why were you so rude to him?But Kylo didn't need to be interrogated and you didn't have the right to know the answers, anyways. Nothing you could say would fix whatever shock he was in. There were no words you possessed that would heal his darkness so you stepped forward, pushing your chest against him and kissed his jaw. When you pulled away his eyes were closed. You kissed the other side and then his lips, gently and slowly. He returned your movement, lips pressing against yours with familiarity. You pulled away and placed your hand against his chest. His heartbeat was normal again. </p><p> </p><p>"We don't have to talk about it," you said. </p><p> </p><p>His pupils peered into you, a silent agreement. </p><p> </p><p>You leaned back and grinned. "What's this about a show?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I put extra care into editing this chapter, so I hope it shows! I wrote the first ten chapters before I even decided to publish the story, so I didn't edit them very carefully cause I genuinely just thought they would never be read. I regret that now lmao. New York is NOT over yet. More to come soon &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Cruel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>**Important chapter warning! Things are going to get super physically rough. Both characters are feeling a lot of emotional pain as this occurs. The line between kink and reality seems a little blurry in this chapter (even though it's really not). It gets pretty intense. If you do not have a pain kink, you are going to be like 'what the fuck'. If that is you, let me just say that this chapter still contributes to the story line, so you may want to skim to the important parts. Do whatever you're comfortable with.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"All the songs are stuck in my head," you sighed as Kylo closed the hotel door behind you. </p><p> </p><p>A few hours ago, Jack had dropped you off at Gershwin Theatre. Kylo handed you a ticket, explaining that he figured you'd want to see the most popular broadway show. Wicked. You had kissed him then, mind buzzing with excitement, and assured him it was a wonderful surprise. And it was. Your seats were fantastic, most likely very expensive, and you watched the show with wide, attentive eyes. Kylo didn't seem to be as interested in it as you, and you felt flattered that he was sacrificing his time purely for your enjoyment. </p><p> </p><p>Now, as you shed your coat and heels, your feet ached but you were filled to the brim with content. You sat on the edge of the bed, watching Kylo slip off his suit jacket and tie. Something was off about him since you had ran into that man, Luke. You could tell he was trying to hide it behind his usual stony composure, but he kept fidgeting his hands, rolling and unrolling the playbill throughout the musical, tapping his thumb against the seat in the car. Guilt was settling in the pit of your stomach. His mood felt like your responsibility, but you weren't sure this was something you could fix. He ran his fingers through his hair and stared at the floor for a moment. You could sense the heavy weight looming in his mind. </p><p> </p><p>"That was really nice of you take me to the show. Especially since I'm sure your exhausted," you said softly, causing him to snap his gaze away from the ground. </p><p> </p><p>"Mmm."</p><p> </p><p>Usually, you didn't mind his short answers, but it was frustrating to watch him block you out. </p><p> </p><p>He turned and went into the bathroom. Seconds later, you heard the shower running and you frowned, heart sinking. He didn't want your comfort, but your mind was scrambled with the need to provide it. You took the opportunity of privacy to change into your rose colored nightgown before you tucked yourself beneath the covers and stared out at the display of glittering city lights. Part of you wanted to call Ivy. The other part knew that she would say you shouldn't be concerned about Kylo's private life. So your phone remained untouched. </p><p> </p><p>He wouldn't respond to any supportive dialogue you could offer. He probably wouldn't respond to any affectionate gestures either. Sex was certainly an option, but that seemed too easy. You hadn't challenged him lately. That first night you went to his apartment, he had told you he would enjoy being challenged, but you had gotten so caught up in tiptoeing around his temper, you had forgotten. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo emerged from the bathroom eventually, wearing his usual attire of sweatpants and a black t-shirt. His hair was wet, waves forming around his face. You prepared yourself with a deep breath. </p><p> </p><p>"Who was that, after dinner?" you said, feigning ignorance. If he was going to yell at you, he could yell at you. Maybe, he would fine some form of relief in it. </p><p> </p><p>His face hardened immediately, angry eyes swallowing you whole. </p><p> </p><p>"Do not ask me that," he warned, voice harsh. </p><p> </p><p>"I was just curious."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't care."</p><p> </p><p>You chewed on your lip as he pulled a water from the fridge. </p><p> </p><p>"Why did he call you Ben?"</p><p> </p><p>He paused, bottle in hand, fridge half closed, and you trapped air in your lungs. Scarily calm, he crossed the room until he was in front of you and gripped your jaw between his fingers roughly. </p><p> </p><p>"Shut your fucking mouth," he snapped.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm just asking a question." Fear was collecting in your chest, clouding your airways, but you tried to push it away. </p><p> </p><p>He let go of your jaw and stepped back. "Why are you acting like this?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm trying to help."</p><p> </p><p>"By pissing me off?"</p><p> </p><p>You nodded slowly.</p><p> </p><p>He scratched the back of his head and returned to the kitchen to drink from his water bottle. You rubbed at the spot where his fingers had dug into your skin. That hadn't gone exactly how you imagined. </p><p> </p><p>"What happened at thanksgiving?" Kylo peered at you over the bottle, tone blank.  "With your parents?" he added. </p><p> </p><p>You frowned and stood, feet carrying you to lean against the marble table across from him. </p><p> </p><p>"Why?"</p><p> </p><p>"You're not the only one who can ask questions." He was taunting you, throwing your invasiveness back at you. </p><p> </p><p>You had every right to deny him answers, the same right he had exercised already, but your privacy didn't seem threatened in the hands of Kylo. He would spare you no pity, but you were confident your secrets would never be spread by his lips. It was the only upside to his solitude. His coldness could be thawed, perhaps, if you broke down your own walls for him, showed him that there was no need for fear of emotion with you.</p><p> </p><p>You pushed yourself to sit on the tabletop, nightgown sliding high on your thighs, and with whatever courage you could use to ignore the anxiety of vulnerability, you spoke. </p><p> </p><p>"My parents have treated Rey so terribly ever since she came out at the end of high school. They have said unforgivable things, but sometimes Rey thinks that one day they'll miss her enough to change their prejudices. I don't-" You took a breath, avoiding Kylo's empty expression. "I don't think that's possible."</p><p> </p><p>"Why?"</p><p> </p><p>You fidgeted with the hem of your gown. "Because she only hears what they say to her face. But when she escaped to Boston, I was still stuck in high school, still stuck under their authority, and the things they said behind her back were far worse. I had to spend three years on my own in that fucking house, while they tried to convince me my favorite person in the world was wrong for existing." Your voice was wavering. The only time you had told this story was to Ivy. Revealing it to Kylo was far more intimidating. </p><p> </p><p>You glanced up to see Kylo's stern eyes focused on your nervousness. You hadn't actually answered his question, you realized, and continued. "Um, anyways, at thanksgiving Rey mentioned Sophie and my parents got mad... or offended... or I don't know, I can't comprehend what they would call their emotions, but it was not pleasant, and Rey started crying and then I started yelling. It was my fault though. I knew exactly what would happen and I still let her go."</p><p> </p><p>"You blame yourself for everything."</p><p> </p><p>You frowned at his suddenly thoughtful reply. Maybe you did. </p><p> </p><p>"I have a lot of things to be blamed for. I should have helped Rey more. I should have stood up to my parents when I was trapped there-- I could have influenced their views, but it got so exhausting fighting it over and over. And she still visited back then, just for me. She went through all that pain and shame just so that I wouldn't be alone with them on holidays." </p><p>Your eyes stung with the threat of tears. It hurt to speak about it, to yank bad memories from the corners of your mind, memories that you hoped would erase themselves over time. But they were still etched in your brain-- fits of yelling, Rey's sad eyes, ugly comments from your father, the pit in your stomach during Christmas dinners.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo closed the space between you and leaned against the table, sweatpants brushing your bare thigh. </p><p> </p><p>You scratched your nose. The pent up explanations were forcing themselves out of your throat now, a purge of hidden thoughts you barely even exposed to yourself. "I think the worst part might be that they really love me, and even though I know they are completely, undoubtedly wrong, it hurts to not have them. And that makes me feel guilty too."</p><p> </p><p>"That's a large burden to carry." </p><p> </p><p>You scooted close to him. "I think you carry one just as heavy."</p><p> </p><p>He squinted at you with a firm jaw. "You know nothing about me."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded. He was completely right. But still, you had bits of it gathered. His tireless devotion to his work. The non existent relationship with his parents. His fear of vulnerability. Lack of relationships, friends or otherwise. Kylo had rows and rows of steel walls around his true self, whoever that was, and <em>something</em> had put them there. Sitting beside you now, the walls were higher than ever, and it was causing him... pain, distress, grief? You weren't sure, but something strong enough to rattle him. And you hated it. Cold Kylo was bearable. Sweet Kylo was even more bearable. Distressed Kylo was difficult to witness. Even worse when you knew he hated it too. It wasn't your responsibility to fix him. You wanted to anyways. If only to feel the satisfaction of having any control over his feelings at all. </p><p> </p><p>"C'mere," you said, sliding off the table and tugging on his arm. You led him to the bed, and laid against the sheets, head on the pile of pillows. He followed, hovering over you, silky hair tickling your cheek. </p><p> </p><p>Arms wrapping around his neck, you pulled him towards you and met his lips. He didn't hesitate, moving his mouth in sync with yours. He was eager, you could tell by his pace, his tongue already pushing behind your teeth. And his hands-- grabbing ruthlessly at your figure, squeezing your hips and waist, kneading your breasts. Deep breaths against your face. Hips grinding against your core. Frustration radiated out of him and seeped into your skin. </p><p> </p><p>Fingers slipped beneath your gown and pushed the fabric up your waist and past your braless breasts, tugging it off your body and onto the floor. Desperate lips scattered wet kisses across your tits. Kisses turned into sucking and sucking turned into biting. Red marks were scattering across your chest like freckles. You whimpered. It fucking hurt, but the warmth in your cunt was present and growing. Kylo only grew more fervent, teeth sinking into your skin so hard you were sure it was bleeding. Each attack left a shallow purpling gash on your breasts. His passion was merging with his pain, and now you wore it like a medal on your chest. The worst part wasn't his projection of hurt. It was that you wanted it. You wanted to be the one he poured it onto. You wanted to receive the torment that was caged in his mind. In a way, you thought it might free your own. </p><p> </p><p>You put your fingers under his jaw and pressed harshly, forcing his face away from sore skin.</p><p> </p><p>"You can hurt me," you said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>He stared at the wounded canvas of your breasts. His chest was rising in deep, angry breaths. </p><p> </p><p>"Hurt me," you said again. </p><p> </p><p>A sharp stinging pain erupted on the side of your face. You gasped and pressed gentle fingers against your cheek as it filled with the warmth of blood rushing to the skin. Not exactly where you were expecting the blow to land, but you were satisfied with the force of it. Kylo's eyes were dark, clouded with wrath and a glimpse of suffering. His shoulder moved and you shut your eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Another hard hit to your other cheek. Blurry white light filled the back of your eyelids and you whimpered, fighting yourself to keep quiet. You hoped the ramblings of his mind were silencing, and you did not wish to interrupt it. Your face was numb, and most likely bright red, but the tingling sensation was perfect. The pain on your skin took over the pain of talking about Rey, the pain of your family, of the boulders of guilt constantly pushing on your shoulders. The only thing that existed was the bright sting in your cheeks. Kylo looked satisfied too, eyes glued to your burning skin. The wild look in his eyes and the adrenaline filtering out through his ragged breaths, assured you that this was temporarily ridding him of his torments too. </p><p> </p><p>"That's it?" you panted, voice bold and teasing. </p><p> </p><p>Fingers snatched your jaw, the bones aching under your skin. Kylo pushed roughly, forcing your head to turn upwards until your neck was strained and uncomfortable. Your right tit received the next blow and your flesh hummed with agony and relief. For a moment, breath struggled to return to your lungs and you coughed, gripping your ribs. You chuckled through your hacking, which seemed to propel his fury. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo reached above you, snatching your hair in his fist and pushed himself off the bed, dragging you behind him. You shrieked, grasping at his hold, trying to yank the strands out of his tight grab. You tumbled off the bed, pain erupting in your scalp, strong and overwhelming. Your vision was blurring and it was everything you wanted. He let go of your hair, and before you could steady yourself, his hands were wrapped around your throat and shoving you towards the wall. Your back rammed against the surface and your spine wailed from the throbbing bite of collision. The haunted look in Kylo's eyes were fading, replaced with lust and dark desire. His grip tightened around your neck, squeezing your airways, stealing your breath. You sucked in as much air as you could and smiled. There was nothing. Nothing but his torture. No guilt or blame. No worry. </p><p> </p><p>He leaned forward, face floating inches in front of yours, the only sound the harmony of your rattled breaths. </p><p> </p><p>"More," you whispered hoarsely, throat expanding into his palm as you spoke, and you ran your fingers over the fabric covering his hardening cock. </p><p> </p><p>His grip loosened momentarily, and you worried this was his stopping point, but he whipped you forward, ramming your back into the wall again. Your shoulder blades exploded with stabbing pain, bruises surely forming already. Tomorrow you would wake up with purple and blue spots staining your pale skin, and you wouldn't feel afraid. You had begged for them. You sputtered a blissful moan, air struggling to reach your lungs under the crushing weight of his palm. </p><p> </p><p>"Say-," a strike to your cunt made your core tense up, muscles spasming under your skin, clit buzzing from the moment of pressure. "-your safe word," Kylo demanded, voice heavy with dominance and desire. </p><p> </p><p>You met his gaze with determined eyes and wheezed a chuckle. "No."</p><p> </p><p>His hands left your throat and you gulped down a breath, throat scratchy and stiff. It didn't last long. His fingers pried your mouth open and he hooked them behind your bottom teeth, pushing against the sensitive nerves beneath your tongue. You groaned around them, sharp claws of discomfort erupting in your mouth. </p><p> </p><p>"Say it."</p><p> </p><p>Pain littered your body-- warm throbbing on your cheeks, the leftover ache from the crushing of your windpipe, scalp stinging, bite marks on your breasts humming. Your core was tingling, missing the feel of him inside of you. Longing for it. And yet you shook your head no. </p><p> </p><p>His fingers abandoned the soft flesh under your tongue and you closed your mouth, jaw sore from the force of his entrance. You saw the flash of his hand lifting and your head whipped to the side, agony erupting in your cheek again, the strongest blow yet. Tears pooled in the corners of your eyes and you swallowed deep breaths. Copper coated your tongue. You pressed your fingertips to it and when you pulled away, they were painted with crimson. Your mouth was bleeding. You must have bit your tongue or cheek, either way, behind the gnawing fire in your cheek you couldn't feel the source. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stared at the blood on your fingers, chest heaving, brow furrowed. Despite the wound, your cunt was dripping, walls throbbing with the need to be filled. The bulge in Kylo's pants reminded you that he felt the same way. You stepped forward, body begging him to bring you to the bed and ram into you until your pain was blinded by pleasure. </p><p> </p><p>But he turned, ran his fingers through his messy hair, and before you could think to stop him, he pulled his coat from the closet. Kylo walked out the door and you stared at the place he had been standing, blood brimming at your lips, body sore and weak. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>By 2 a.m. you were restless, pacing around the apartment wondering if you should go looking for him, until you remembered you were a woman and it was the middle of the night. You called his cell a few times only to be greeted with his voicemail. Eventually you gave up, knowing that he probably didn't want to be found. Mostly, you were scared that he had gone home, left you in this big city by yourself. It wouldn't cause much commotion. If you woke up tomorrow and he was still gone, you would pack your things and call Jack. Worst case scenario, you would take an Uber and drain your bank account. But still, you hated the idea that he might have abandoned you in the dead of the night in an unfamiliar place.</p><p> </p><p>The worrying became too much as 3 a.m. rolled by, so you decided to have a bath. The tub in the hotel bathroom wasn't necessarily impressive, not like Kylo's black one, but it brought you plenty of physical relief. The warm water soothed your sore muscles, the developing bruises on your back, and the tender torn skin of your chest. But even the relaxing embrace of a bath couldn't dissipate your worries. Kylo was somewhere in New York in the middle of the night and he wasn't in the most stable headspace. You just wanted one text to confirm he was even alive, and then the knot lodged in your chest would unravel and you would be able to sleep. </p><p> </p><p>You rested your head against the back of the tub, staring at your phone balancing on the ledge. One text. Just one. Please. </p><p> </p><p>The front door opened. You sat up immediately, water sloshing around you. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo?" you said into the still air. Your breath stayed beneath your ribs, ears desperate to listen for movement. The bathroom door clicked and you wrapped your arms around yourself.</p><p> </p><p>His hair was messy, a sure sign that he had been messing with it, and his nose was tinted pink from the cold. The bags under his eyes seemed somehow darker than they had a few hours ago. In all honesty he looked like shit. </p><p> </p><p>"What are you doing?" he asked lowly.</p><p> </p><p>He stepped through the doorframe and walked to the tub with slow strides, hands in his pockets. His gaze over your naked body made it tempting to cower and hide your skin, but you sat up, offering a full view. As he came closer, you realized he smelled like smoke.</p><p> </p><p>"I couldn't sleep. Where did you go?"</p><p> </p><p>He shrugged. "Got a drink. Had a smoke."</p><p> </p><p>"For three hours?"</p><p> </p><p>He shrugged again. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you drunk?" you said, squinting at his face, trying to sense if his eyelids looked heavier, or if his pupils were glossy.</p><p> </p><p>"No." </p><p> </p><p>You stared at your knees under the water. "I didn't know if you were coming back."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, I did," he said casually. </p><p> </p><p>Frustration tingled in your throat. "Yeah, well it scared me."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo sighed and to your surprise, he lowered himself next to the tub, sitting on the floor beside you. </p><p> </p><p>"You could get in," you suggested softly. </p><p> </p><p>He shook his head, and you pulled your knees to your chest, the water rippling with your movement. His eyes were focused on the wall behind you, lost in thought. </p><p> </p><p>"Is your mouth okay?" he asked. </p><p> </p><p>You frowned and pressed your fingers to your lips, before remembering the blood from earlier. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, yeah I just bit my cheek. It only bled for a minute." </p><p> </p><p>"Hmm."</p><p> </p><p>He shifted his jaw and scooted closer to the tub, folding one arm across the ledge in front of him and letting the other hang into the water, skimming the surface. You watched as he swirled the water under his fingertips, creating rings that rippled against your thigh. Up close, you could see the pouty exhaustion in his lips, the softness in his eyes. He caught you staring, golden irises swallowing you up. </p><p> </p><p>"Why did you leave?" you whispered, shy under his gaze. </p><p> </p><p>He offered no verbal reply, but his hand lifted out of the water and he skimmed his fingers across your chest. At first, you were annoyed, thinking he was hinting at sex. Now was not the time. But he wasn't making an advance, he was tracing the purple lines his teeth had made. You shivered and he rested his chin against his arm on the ledge. </p><p> </p><p>"Please, answer me," you pleaded quietly. </p><p> </p><p>Eyes tracing your wounds, he pressed his lips together, and then opened them. "I just needed some air."</p><p> </p><p>"Did I do something wrong?"</p><p> </p><p>"Jesus Christ," he mumbled and you flinched at his aggravated tone. </p><p> </p><p>"I thought you liked it."</p><p> </p><p>"Did you like it?" He snapped his focus to your face and you knitted your brows together, bewildered as to why he would need to ask such a thing. </p><p> </p><p>"I was... I asked you to do it. I mean, I begged you practically. So yes, of course." Embarrassed flames licked your face. "You should have said if you didn't like it."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo squinted and shook his head. He returned his fingers to the water, fidgeting them under the surface, making small splashes. </p><p> </p><p>"I liked it."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," you said softly, confused still. "Then why did you leave?"</p><p> </p><p>He moved his head, pressing his mouth to his arm, brows furrowed. "A few reasons."</p><p> </p><p>"And you can't tell me any?"</p><p> </p><p>He dragged his eyes over your face, some war erupting in his mind. You scooted closer to the ledge, to him, and ran a hand through his hair. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo couldn't do this part. He couldn't let all his feelings slip through his lips the way most people could. You imagined those walls in his mind, the crowd of thoughts trapped behind them, never expressed, never set free. In that way, he was like a child-- unable to express the things he wanted or didn't want, the personal details that constructed his past. And it occurred to you that, perhaps he had missed that stage in growing up. Perhaps, no one had taught him how to share emotion. </p><p> </p><p>You tried to conjure a constructive way to do it. "You've been awake for a full day now."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm." He nodded slightly. </p><p> </p><p>"And you saw someone you weren't expecting to see." He tensed visibly, jaw hard, shoulders rigid. You continued quickly. "That's pretty overwhelming for anyone."</p><p> </p><p>He didn't reply. You wondered if knew what you were doing, evaluating his feelings so that he, himself, could break them down. If he did, you were sure he would have scolded you, said something about how he is not a child. His silence made you believe he was oblivious to your tactics. </p><p> </p><p>You kept your tone neutral, not too soft, not too rigid. "And then we came back and things got a little intense."</p><p> </p><p>He glanced at the bite marks on your breasts, and you smoothed your hand over them. </p><p> </p><p>"So it was just too much in a day. That's okay." You shrugged. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't need you to pick apart what you <em>think</em> is happening in my mind."</p><p> </p><p>Your face fell. At least you tried. </p><p> </p><p>"Well you weren't going to share, so I thought I would give it a fucking go."</p><p> </p><p>You pushed against the edges of the tub, lifting out of the water, and stepped onto the tile floor, water dripping around you. You snatched a towel from the hanging rack and wiped your face. Kylo stood, watching as you wrapped the towel around your body. With frustrated lips pursed together, you raised your eyebrows at him.</p><p> </p><p>He ran his hand over his face and stepped in front of you. </p><p> </p><p>"That guy.....," he began.</p><p> </p><p>You nodded. A few seconds passed. It was astounding how much effort it took for him to continue. </p><p> </p><p>"That guy thinks I'm a cruel person."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded, hoping he would go on. With a strained, deep breath, he did. </p><p> </p><p>"And then you were bleeding."</p><p> </p><p>He stepped back, lips closed, as if to say, 'that's it.' </p><p> </p><p>It was a pretty pathetic attempt at communication, but you were able to somewhat connect the dots. That stranger sees Kylo as a bad person. Seeing that stranger, Luke, reminded Kylo of this fact, and probably others past issues he had buried away. Then tonight, even if you were literally begging for it, he was causing you pain and you started bleeding. And so the idea that he was a cruel person came full circle. </p><p> </p><p>Being a good person didn't strike you as something Kylo would worry about. But like he said earlier-- you really didn't know anything about him. There was probably more forces behind his actions than he was sharing, a multitude of unspoken stories about Luke and his past, but for now, these reasons were enough. </p><p> </p><p>You cocked your head. "I don't think you are a cruel person at all." He could be harsh at times, especially to his employees, but you didn't perceive that as who he was. There was much more to Kylo than his coldness. You had only seen it in glimpses. And you were seeing it peek through his tired eyes now.</p><p> </p><p>He blinked at you. </p><p> </p><p>"Hmm."</p><p> </p><p>Always that fucking <em>Hmm</em>. </p><p> </p><p>"You've treated me well." You weren't sure it was completely true. He did just leave you in the middle of the night with no explanation or warning. Sometimes his words stung you. But he was generous with his money, and had improved his nonexistent aftercare skills, per your request. And even now, he was trying to express his struggles, just for you. Even if they were two lousy sentences with little context. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, good." He was frowning, uncomfortable with your praise. </p><p> </p><p>You tiptoed forward and leaned your face upwards. He took the hint and kissed you, lips warm and soft. You tried to breathe in his pain, stealing it away with your tongue, forcing your affection through his teeth until he would accept it. He tasted like smoke. His lips were gentle and slow, and you could sense his exhaustion. You pulled away and tugged your towel tighter, shivering. "Let's go to sleep."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded, snapping out of his awkward state and started out the bathroom, glancing back to see you were following. You grabbed your nightgown from beside the tub and slipped it over your head, as you followed him to bed. He stripped as you climbed beneath the covers, and then joined you wordlessly, flipping off the lamp, plunging the room into darkness. </p><p> </p><p>You closed your eyes, extra aware of how far his body was, but your mind wouldn't shut off. Your first, and last you realized, night in New York with Kylo was over. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo?" you whispered into the blackness. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm...." you hesitated, "I'm going to miss... New York."</p><p> </p><p>The mattress shifted and you felt him roll over. He must have been facing away from you.</p><p> </p><p>His sleepy voice seemed closer now. "I come here a lot. I wouldn't be surprised if we came back before the year was up."</p><p> </p><p>Your chest ached but you were too tired to cry. </p><p> </p><p>You remembered what Ivy had said to you, that first night you met Kylo, on the way to the bar, Poe in the driver seat. She had sat in the back with you to keep you company, a true friend, especially since she knew you were nervous. You had whispered a question in her ear: How long does it usually last? She leaned her head back and forth, thinking. And then she told you: Normally, a couple months.</p><p> </p><p>You did the math now, listening to Kylo's faint breathing. Three weeks had passed. If two months was the deadline with him, almost half your time was gone already. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I wouldn't be surprised if we came back before the year was up. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>That's what he said. When the year ended it would be about two months. Was that the stopping point for him? He might have not even meant it that way. Maybe he was just choosing the closest distinctive point in time. That would make sense too. </p><p> </p><p>But the words replayed in your head. <em>Before the year was up</em>.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn't supposed to hurt, it wasn't supposed to ache, yet the thought of him giving you one last nice gift, one last kiss, one last night in his bed, made your throat tight. </p><p> </p><p>Missing something you hadn't lost yet, holding on to something that wasn't even real.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. A Snowy Day and His Freezing Hands</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You looklike absolute shit."</p><p> </p><p>You groaned under your pile of blankets and squinted at Ivy's figure in the doorframe. She had her hands on her hips, her head cocked to the side. </p><p> </p><p>"That's fucking rude," you grumbled. </p><p> </p><p>"What is all this stuff on the floor?" She stepped into the room and pulled your curtains back, filling the space with piercing morning light. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey!" You griped and shielded your eyes. "Fuck, that's bright."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, it's snowing. You would know that if you decided to get out of bed and stop sulking." She picked up your new velvet booties from their spot on the floor. "Did he get you these?" You nodded. "What's all this other- Oh for fucks sake, is this all the stuff he's gotten you?"</p><p> </p><p>You nodded and stared at the neatly assorted rows of items you had made on the floor. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't get this, I really don't. You guys didn't get in a fight?" You shook your head. "You have no reason to think it's over?" Another head shake. "Okay, but you're still sad enough to sit in your room for two days?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not sad."</p><p> </p><p>"What do you call it?"</p><p> </p><p>You sighed and forced yourself to sit against the headboard. The bruises on your back cringed at the pressure. </p><p> </p><p>"New York was overwhelming and this is how I'm recovering." </p><p> </p><p>Coming back from New York was like coming home after a drama-filled sleepover. Everything seemed lame in comparison and you couldn't remember how you normally spent your days. It didn't help that your body was sore and stiff. You spent the last 48 hours curled up on your mattress, thinking and sleeping, with a few sessions of crying for no reason. </p><p> </p><p>"Well I think you should recover with a shower."</p><p> </p><p>You rolled your eyes. "Fine."</p><p> </p><p>"And put this stuff away." Ivy motioned towards the arrangement on the ground and started for the door. "It's weird."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you think it's strange he hasn't texted me yet?"</p><p> </p><p>She rubbed her fingers over her lips and shrugged. "Two days isn't that long, and he's a busy guy. I wouldn't sweat it. This is normal for him, yeah?"</p><p> </p><p>You gave her a small smile. You needed to hear that. "Yeah."</p><p> </p><p>"You just get paranoid about things." She paused and sighed. "If you get up, I'll help you apply for jobs."</p><p> </p><p>"Really?" You swung your legs off the bed and pushed yourself to stand on stiff legs.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, we'll order takeout, make a whole thing out of it."</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks, V."</p><p> </p><p>She grinned. "Take a shower first."</p><p> </p><p>"Alright, alright, fuck off."</p><p> </p><p>Your phone dinged and you froze. Ivy raised her eyebrows. You shuffled through the pile of blankets until you resorted to shaking them violently, and the device tumbled onto the mattress. </p><p> </p><p>"It's Kylo."</p><p> </p><p>"And?"</p><p> </p><p>"He wants me to come over tonight."</p><p> </p><p>"See! You worried for nothing."</p><p> </p><p>You smiled widely and rolled your eyes. "I wasn't worried." But once Ivy left the doorframe you pressed your phone to your chest. Thank god.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Eyes squeezed shut, you leaned your head back and fluttered your fingertips against the arms of the chair. </p><p> </p><p>It started with a...C? Maybe an R? It was on the tip of your tongue. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck," you mumbled under your breath and peered at the screen on your lap. </p><p> </p><p>"What?"</p><p> </p><p>Kylo was watching you from behind his desk, fingers hovering over his keyboard. He had already changed into comfortable clothes when you arrived, a hoodie and sweats. Kylo in a suit would always be appealing but something about him in loungewear was endearing. Less threatening. </p><p> </p><p>"Nothing, sorry. I'm just trying to think of a word," you answered. You hadn't meant to distract him from working. Actually, you were surprised he even wanted you to stay in his office while he 'finished up a few things', as he put it. But it was pleasant to sit in the corner writing, while being able to glance up from time to time to see his focused face.</p><p> </p><p>"What word?" He folded his hands and leaned his chin against them. </p><p> </p><p>"Uh, it's like another word for thinking. I just can't-" you rubbed your forehead. "I can't think of it."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo scraped his teeth against his lip and stared at the desk for a moment. "Ponder?"</p><p> </p><p>You shook your head and itched your nose. </p><p> </p><p>"Contemplate?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh my god, yes, that's it." You typed it into your laptop. "Thanks."</p><p> </p><p>"What are you working on?"</p><p> </p><p>You smiled. Kylo asking questions out of pure interest was rare. </p><p> </p><p>"Um, just this new story I'm starting. I don't know if it's good."</p><p> </p><p>"What's it about?"</p><p> </p><p>You squinted, feeling suspicious. "Wouldn't you like to know?"</p><p> </p><p>Kylo nodded without sarcasm. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh well, it's about a boy in foster care, like a nine year old. And his experiences, I don't know, it's new." You waved your hand, shooing away the topic. </p><p> </p><p>"Hmm."</p><p> </p><p>You sighed, somewhat relieved that it was the same old Kylo. The last time you had seen him in New York he had pouty lips and sad eyes. You couldn't handle that twice in a row. You weren't sure you wanted to see an aggressive Kylo either. What other Kylo was there? Happy Kylo wasn't a person that existed very clearly in your brain. You thought of him on that Saturday before Thanksgiving. He had said you looked pretty that day. And he had held your hand as you walked around the city. You wondered if that was the Kylo sitting in front of you now, asking about your writing as if he would truly care and remember. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm almost done," he said and focused back on his screen. </p><p> </p><p>With the word 'contemplated' now on your page, you could finish the rest of your thoughts. As minutes passed, the only sound in the room was the clicking of your keyboards and the occasional sigh of frustration from Kylo. The words were coming quickly to you, and you could barely type fast enough to keep up with your mind. </p><p> </p><p>You saw Kylo move from the corner of your vision, and you finished a sentence before glancing up to see him stepping in front of his desk, moving towards you. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry just let me finish this paragraph, I just-," you waved your hand, "I don't want to forget it."</p><p> </p><p>You typed hurriedly, tossing your thoughts onto the page. Kylo was standing next to you now and you peeked at him to find him staring at the screen. You splayed your hands over it, blocking his view.</p><p> </p><p>"Wait, don't read it. It's not good yet."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>You shifted the laptop farther from his sight and continued typing. You were vaguely aware of him moving and leaning down, but you didn't expect his lips on your neck. You gasped and leaned your head, granting him more access to the skin. </p><p> </p><p>"Wait, wait, like two more sentences, I swear," you breathed, fingers struggling to register what words you wanted to type next. </p><p> </p><p>His lips moved against your neck slowly, gently sucking and tugging with his teeth. You shivered. His soft touch was a nice contrast to the last time you'd seen him. Your fingers continued their typing, but it was messier now, your conscious clouded with the feeling of his mouth.  </p><p> </p><p>"It's fucking freezing in here," you sighed, trying to distract yourself and shifting in your seat. Your core was already tingling. </p><p> </p><p>"I think the heating system's acting up," he mumbled against your throat. </p><p> </p><p>You scrambled through your last few words and shut the laptop with a deep breath, instantly standing, ready for him to drag you to his bed. But he stayed where he was, kissing along your neck and over your jawline, his hands resting against your hips. You giggled and dragged your fingers over his arms, wishing you could feel his skin and muscle. He pulled away and you smiled up at him with gleaming eyes, happy to be here with this version of him. The one that distracted you as you wrote, and stayed and kissed your neck instead of pulling you to bed. It was deceiving. His patience made lust look like affection, and you were trying to remind yourself of reality. It wasn't helpful that he kissed your mouth next. Minty and warm. Lips just as soft and plump as you remembered. You had missed him. Funny how days without him seemed so boring now. In the beginning, you hadn't really cared. </p><p> </p><p>His hands slipped up the back of your sweater to run over the bumps of your spine and you gasped and pulled away. </p><p> </p><p>"Your hands are freezing," you whined. </p><p> </p><p>"Then make them warm."</p><p> </p><p>You laughed, eyes crinkling, incandescently happy, which once again was a terrible, terrible thing to let yourself be, and kissed him again, lips desperate but patient. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's take a bath," he whispered into your mouth. </p><p> </p><p>"What?" You pulled away again. "<em>Now</em>, you wanna take a bath?"</p><p> </p><p>"It'll be warm."</p><p> </p><p>Without another word, you pulled your sweater over your head and scurried out of the office. Kylo followed close behind, shedding his hoodie, which made you giggle and walk faster. By the time you made it to the bathroom you were completely topless and starting to unzip your pants. You pulled your jeans off as Kylo messed with the faucets. When he was satisfied, he glanced at your now naked body and grinned. It seemed so normal, so close, so coupley, it made your stomach swim. You squinted at him, annoyed but giddy, and stepped forward to touch the water as he stripped. You ran your fingers under the stream, satisfied with it's warmth. Fingers on your spine made you jump. Kylo was standing behind you, frowning and staring at your back. </p><p> </p><p>"What?" you asked and pressed your fingers near his. You winced. "Oh, the bruises?"</p><p> </p><p>His face was blank. </p><p> </p><p>You thought of his reaction when you bled in New York. Of course, those were different circumstances. There had been many times where Kylo inflicted pain upon you and he had never seemed concerned about it then. Still, you wanted to assure him everything was fine. </p><p> </p><p>"They don't hurt," you said.</p><p> </p><p>He nodded and pressed his lips to your shoulder. You traced his jaw in your palm and stepped into the black painted tub, lowering yourself into the warmth, and leaning against the back of it while he finished undressing. The water was soothing, especially with how cold the apartment was. </p><p> </p><p>You expected him to sit on the other side but he tapped your back and said, "Scoot up."</p><p> </p><p>You obeyed and slid forward. Kylo lowered himself into the water behind you, and pulled you backwards to lay against his chest. Admiration bloomed in your gut and you relaxed against him. You weren't expecting this today. God, you didn't expect shit like this any day. It always seemed like as soon as you took a reality check, he had to pull you back under by acting decent and young, god, he always seemed so young when he was being sweet. His usual coldness added ten years to the age you perceived him, but really he was so damn young. He should be having Super Bowl parties and drinking Blue Moon with a bunch of still-stuck-in-the-college-mindset friends. Instead he woke up at the crack of dawn to work himself to death, with no company other than you. Your heart seized. </p><p> </p><p>You wanted to enjoy the affection of his skin against your back for another minute before things escalated, so you tried to think of a conversation. </p><p> </p><p>"I have a job interview tomorrow," you said quietly, not wanting to completely disturb the peace. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo's torso tensed beneath you and your stomach flipped. That might have been the wrong topic. Kylo was your employer in a way, after all.</p><p> </p><p>"You don't need a job," he said blankly. </p><p> </p><p>You chewed on the inside of your cheek. <em>Dumb, dumb, dumb</em>, you scolded yourself. This wasn't something he needed to know about. </p><p> </p><p>"Well, I still have to pay rent."</p><p> </p><p>"I'll pay your rent," he said automatically. </p><p> </p><p>"I wouldn't ask you to do that, and besides," you sat up and turned to face him. "I need something to do during the day, I mean, I can't just sit around anymore, it's driving me crazy."</p><p> </p><p>"Then write."</p><p> </p><p>You blinked at him, letting the faint rumbling of the faucet fill a moment of silent thinking. He had a point. You weren't writing as often as you could. Getting a job would only worsen that. And you'd much prefer writing to some crappy minimum wage job. You had just never considered it as a real choice. </p><p> </p><p>"But my writing isn't a job," you said.</p><p> </p><p>"It could be."</p><p> </p><p>Frowning, you turned around and leaned back into his chest. He was the only person to ever talk about your writing this way. The only person to take it more seriously than you did.</p><p> </p><p>"Why don't you want me to work?"</p><p> </p><p>There was a pause before he answered, and you held your breath, nervous that you may have destroyed his good mood. </p><p> </p><p>"When you have me, you shouldn't worry about doing anything else for money. If you want to write, you should write," he said, carefully pronouncing his words as if he was worried you wouldn't understand them.</p><p> </p><p>The idea was so purely thoughtful, your chest fluttered and you tilted your jaw back to kiss him. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay, I'll write," you mumbled into his lips. </p><p> </p><p>He hummed and pulled you closer, but you pushed against his chest, twisting away from his hold, and flipped over to straddle him. You smiled against his lips and he pressed his fingers into your thighs as you slowly rocked your hips against him. </p><p> </p><p>You had missed this. It had been more than a few days since you'd last had his body touching you like this, but it felt like a lifetime. </p><p> </p><p>His fingers slid up your waist and he grabbed your tit. You whimpered and flinched. The damages his teeth had made in New York were healing, but the gashes were still sensitive.</p><p> </p><p>"Still sore," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo pulled away from your mouth, and sat up, repositioning your cunt on his lap. His hair tickled your chest as he pressed soft wet kisses along your breasts. You sighed, the warmth in your center growing as he dragged his tongue over your nipple. He sucked lightly on the fading purple gashes, and you moaned, ignited by the soft pain. You could feel him hardening as your cunt slid against him, and it only propelled your need. There was nothing more satisfying than knowing Kylo wanted you. </p><p> </p><p>"I miss this on the days I don't see you," you panted, breath growing heavier.</p><p> </p><p>He hummed against your skin and trailed kisses up your chest and stopped at your throat, sucking gently over your pulse, before returning to your lips. Your mouths moved in harmony against each other, hungry but slow. His tongue was familiar sliding past your teeth. His minty taste was comforting. Your cunt was tingling, even in the water you could tell you were slick against his cock. </p><p> </p><p>"Flip over," he breathed. </p><p> </p><p>You climbed off of him and spun around. You were expecting him to trade you places so he could fuck you, but instead he pulled you backwards against his chest again. You could feel his hard length against your back, and you were confused at first as to what he wanted. Then he moved forward quickly. </p><p> </p><p>"What- oh, fuck," you whimpered as he pushed your cunt inches from under the faucet. </p><p> </p><p>You squirmed as the harsh flow of water pounded against your clit. Kylo's hand wrapped around your throat  lightly and he pushed you against his chest, restricting your nervous movement. </p><p> </p><p>"Relax," he said lowly into your ear. </p><p> </p><p>Your jaw hung open, bliss igniting in your clit. </p><p> </p><p>"Put your legs up," he directed. </p><p> </p><p>You scooted forward slowly and lifted your legs to hang over the edge. You jolted, clit now directly under the heavy stream of water. You squeezed your eyes shut and tried to move your head to the side. With Kylo behind, watching as your clit hummed under the pressure, your cheeks burned shyly, but the feeling was so satisfying, you forced yourself to relax against his chest and enjoy it. </p><p> </p><p>He grazed his fingers along your tits, thumbs brushing against your nipples, while his mouth pressed against your jaw. You sighed under his touch, the knot of bliss in your core growing steadily. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh fuck, Kylo, <em>fuck</em>," you slurred. </p><p> </p><p>His hand pushed your jaw upwards and he pressed his lips to yours. You moaned against him, clit throbbing, and lifted your hips, moving closer to the stream, searching for pressure. </p><p> </p><p>"God, it feels so good," you mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>He pulled away, reconnecting his lips under your jaw, nipping at the sensitive skin. His hands smoothed over your tits and down your waist. He brushed them against your lower stomach and you gasped, missing the way they felt on your pussy. Fingertips glided over your hips and to your inner thighs. Your cunt was clenching, the tingle in your clit growing every second. All you could do was lean your head against his chest, jaw propped open, and whimper.</p><p> </p><p>"You look perfect like this," he murmured. </p><p> </p><p>His compliment made your chest warm and your legs trembled.</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, wait, I'm gonna come." </p><p> </p><p>He traced his fingers along the inside of your thighs, making you shiver. </p><p> </p><p>"Come like this and then I'll make you come on my cock."</p><p> </p><p>Your cunt ached at the thought of him inside of you and his hand left your thigh to skim patterns across your lower stomach. It was enough. You jolted, hips moving upwards, and yelped incoherent mumblings into the air. Gentle euphoria rolled through your core, aided by the force of the water and Kylo's light fingers brushing your skin. He sucked at the crook of your neck while you leaned into him, moaning as your orgasm flowed through you. </p><p> </p><p>You jerked away from the faucet, saving your sensitive clit from the pressure, and brought your legs back into the water. Kylo reached around you and shut the water off. You turned to give him a dazed smile. </p><p> </p><p>"So <em>this</em> is why you have a tub?" you teased.</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled and you spun around to climb back on his lap. His cock was significantly harder and need stirred in your gut at the realization that he had just watched you come under the faucet. </p><p> </p><p>"You do that with all the girls you bathe with?" you continued your mocking. </p><p> </p><p>He enclosed his mouth over your nipple and you shuddered at the sudden sensation. </p><p> </p><p>"Just you."</p><p> </p><p>You weren't sure if he was being truthful or not, but his dick was throbbing under your cunt and all you cared about was having it in you. You cupped his face in your hands and met his lips with yours, mouths moving fervently, both of you desperate now. </p><p> </p><p>He shifted, sitting up straight so that he could steady your hips. You pulled away and watched as he held his dick at your entrance. He was going to let you ride him-- a pleasant surprise you didn't expect to ever receive. With your first orgasm still humming gently in your cunt, you lowered yourself on to him. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, ow," you whined. </p><p> </p><p>It had been far too long since you'd felt him, and you had forgotten how much he stretched you, how much your cunt had to struggle to accommodate his length. It stung for a moment, just like it had the first time and you held onto his shoulders, wincing as you moved up and down slowly. Kylo kept his hands on your hips, guiding your center against him as he peered at the agonized expression on your face. You tried to pick up the pace, for his sake, and bounced onto his shaft faster but just as deep. Being on top hurt even more somehow. Every time you dropped down, he filled you completely, building pressure in your gut. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh god, I can feel you in my stomach," you whispered breathily. </p><p> </p><p>This seemed to urge him on. His grasp on your waist tightened, and he pulled you down harder  and pushed your core back and forth, grinding you on him. You gasped, the heat in your gut growing, and followed his lead, rocking back and forth on his cock. Your clit was tingling, satisfied with the friction and you leaned the side of your head against his hair, feeling the tickle of his velvet strands on your cheek. Kylo's lips pressed a short kiss to your neck and you could feel his hot, staggered breath against your skin. </p><p> </p><p>His pace changed, and he started pushing you onto him again deep and moderately slow. </p><p> </p><p>"Did you miss--fuck-- my cock, baby?" he grunted, voice low and deep. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded feverishly and moved your head, jaw bending down to kiss him. Your lips molded together, needy and wet. His tongue explored your mouth and you moaned against him. With every thrust, his dick pushed against you, and the knot of pressure in your gut grew tighter. </p><p> </p><p>This was everything. He was everything. No one had ever held this power over you. No one could ever make you feel this desperate, make you come this fast. Sex with another man seemed impossible now. The standards-- his length, his body, his strength, his lips, everything-- were too high for anyone else to top. </p><p> </p><p>You shuddered on top of him, clit brushing against his pelvis. You wanted him to know what he did to you, what control he had over your cunt. </p><p> </p><p>"No one else does this to me, Kylo," you panted. "No one else can."</p><p> </p><p>He pushed his hips to meet yours and you yelped at the force, pulling away from his lips and whimpering. His large hands covered yours and he pulled them away from his shoulders and onto the edge of the tub. You held onto the ledge tightly, using it as leverage to sink lower with each bounce, and Kylo groaned. He leaned against the back of the tub, neck propped up on the ledge, hands still guiding your hips. You realized his intent. He wanted to watch you. He wanted to watch you bounce on his length, he wanted to watch you squirm and jolt and come. If you weren't so close to your peak you would have felt insecure. But your pleasure left no room for fear. </p><p> </p><p>You pushed your hair out of your face and muttered curses as you slammed down onto him, clit throbbing every time you brushed against him. Wanting to watch you turned out to be just as beneficial to you as it was to him. Because you got to watch him too. His cheeks were flushed, damp hair stuck to his face, and his lips were parted. The wide expanse of his chest was rising and falling deeply. His eyes were dark and focused on your face. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo, I'm close," you panted. </p><p> </p><p>"I know," he answered gruffly. </p><p> </p><p>He yanked one of your hands away from the ledge and thrust it towards your middle. He wanted you to touch yourself and he wanted to watch. You didn't hesitate. You shuddered at the bliss that greeted your cunt as your fingers rubbed circles into your clit. The knot in your stomach was growing rapidly, consuming you and pulling at whatever endurance you had left. Your cunt clenched and Kylo cursed and leaned his head back. </p><p> </p><p>Your legs twitched as your orgasm took you, sweeping bliss through your core as you tried to keep your pace on his cock. Luckily, Kylo had it handled. He held onto your hips tightly, thrusting you onto him as you struggled to even see clearly. You moaned strings of slurred praises as the pleasure shook you. Through the haze, you could feel Kylo's dick twitch and he cursed loudly, filling you with warm cum. You kept grinding your hips as he filled you, and eventually he had to push you off, his tip too sensitive to handle the friction. </p><p> </p><p>Drawing in deep breaths, you crawled off of him to collapse against the other side of the tub. You watched him with heavy eyelids, his head still leaning back against the ledge, catching his breath. His cum was still in you and you were aware that staying in the warm water didn't seem like the most hygienic option. Getting an infection meant taking a break from sex with Kylo, and that wasn't something you were willing to risk. </p><p> </p><p>With shaking legs, you stood carefully and stepped out of the tub, holding tightly to the edge until you were stable. You padded across the tile, dripping water everywhere, and snatched two towels from under the cabinet. You rubbed one over your body and Kylo, after a few more moments of breathing, stepped out of the tub to follow you. He accepted the extended towel in your hand and ruffled it through his hair first, before smoothing it over his chest. </p><p> </p><p>"You know,-" you wrapped the towel around your chest and squeezed water from your hair into the sink. "The first time I saw that tub, I thought 'He literally just has that for sex'." </p><p> </p><p>Kylo chuckled, cheeks pink, and situated the towel around his waist. You savored the sight of his dimples. </p><p> </p><p>"You're in a good mood today," you said, smiling widely at him. </p><p> </p><p>He shrugged. "What? I thought I was always a ray of fucking sunshine," he said sarcastically. </p><p> </p><p>You laughed. "Oh my god, you're even making jokes. Who are you?"</p><p> </p><p>He shook his head, the corners of his mouth tilted upwards. </p><p> </p><p>It made your chest flutter to see him like this. You tried to remind yourself he wasn't real. Especially this version of him. He probably just had something good happen at work, or maybe someone inflated his ego and it made him more willing to be sweet. Whatever the reason, this wasn't a normal occurrence and you weren't going to let yourself pretend it was. </p><p> </p><p>He placed a finger under your chin and kissed you. He had the worst timing. You moaned against his lips and shivered. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm even colder now than I was before," you said, pulling away. </p><p> </p><p>He stepped around you, heading for the bedroom. </p><p> </p><p>"Try putting some clothes on," he said over his shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>You giggled softly, but your face fell when he disappeared through the doorframe. </p><p> </p><p>This game you were playing, constantly admiring him, getting giddy with his good moods and sympathizing with his bad ones, was dangerous. New York hadn't been 'overwhelming'. It had chipped your heart. And with each day, more chunks would come loose and at some point it would shatter. </p><p> </p><p>You took a deep breath. For now though, you would let it. Maybe you would be able to catch yourself just before you broke. </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I had a plot heavy chapter in mind for this, but after New York I felt like we all deserved a mental cool down, so the plot will pick up in the next chapter, I swear. I hope you liked it! This chapter goes out to all the girls in long term relationships with water pressure, iykyk  &lt;3 (that's a joke but I'm dying at it) Thank you for 5k reads! </p><p>I also want to mention that I don't have a schedule for uploading, but really I'm always writing and editing so it should be every 2-4 days at least for now! Much love!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. High Limit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You knew his good mood wouldn't last. </p><p> </p><p>As soon as you stepped into his car you could feel it-- his coldness. It gripped onto the leather seats and sent a chill through your spine. His shoulders were tense, his jaw firm. It didn't take you by surprise though. You knew his kind warmth from a couple days ago would only mean a drop into ice water. </p><p> </p><p>You glanced over Kylo's suit of the day. This one was dark gray, with a black button up underneath and no tie, your favorite. You pulled your seatbelt across your body, glancing at him nervously, his knuckles white around the steering wheel. </p><p> </p><p>"Where are we going?" you asked.</p><p> </p><p>"You'll find out when we get there," he answered gruffly. </p><p> </p><p>He kept his eyes on the road as the Porsche turned onto the highway and whipped past the surrounding cars. That was probably the most consistent thing about your relationship-- his driving terrified you. </p><p> </p><p>You tried to smile. "Your surprises have been good so far."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm."</p><p> </p><p>You hated this. The distance. How he could hold you in the tub and ask about your writing, and then suddenly not bother to glance at you, not spare you a simple hello. Confronting him about it didn't seem like something you could do easily or casually. You weren't the one that got to call the shots. The only control you owned was the option of leaving him, breaking the arrangement. Even the thought of it made your stomach flip. </p><p> </p><p>"Was work bad this week?" you asked, folding your hands in your lap.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo shifted his jaw and rolled his palms against the wheel. The sun was setting, brushing an orange glow over his face and lighting up his eyes, almost golden. If this were a normal relationship you'd tell him to stay put and you'd take a photo. Maybe make it your lock screen. Instead, you tried to capture the image in your mind, imprinting his shiny cheekbones and plush lips in your memory.</p><p> </p><p>"No, but everything's going to turn into a shit show very soon."</p><p> </p><p>"Why?"</p><p> </p><p>He squinted at you. "That's really not for you to know."</p><p> </p><p>You glanced out your window as if there was something outside that could console you. At this point, you expected his snappy comments, but they still sent a dull pang through your chest. You placed your hand against his arm and looked at him pointedly, though his eyes were on the road.  </p><p> </p><p>"Well, whatever it is, I'm sorry that it's causing you stress."</p><p> </p><p>His chest rose in a deep breath and he dropped his right hand from the steering wheel before slipping it over your thigh. You smiled with relief. Finally, a glimpse of the man from a couple days ago. Though, in the pit of your stomach loomed fear. When he showed you affection with no intention of sex, that's what scared you the most. That meant his skin was finding your skin just because it wanted to, because it missed you. It wasn't an idea you could let yourself believe. Still, your skin tingled under his palm.</p><p> </p><p>"You look nice," you said, tugging lightly on the end of his sleeve. "I like when you don't wear a tie, it's hot."</p><p> </p><p>He smirked, only barely but enough to make your chest grow warm. Kylo tore his focus from the road momentarily, observing the simple red dress that hugged your form. He ran his thumb over the hem.</p><p> </p><p>"I like the red."</p><p> </p><p>Such a simple compliment, not even one that was directed at you, really it was directed at your dress, but your stomach fluttered and your cheeks grew hot. So today he was mean Kylo that also gave compliments?  </p><p> </p><p>You relaxed into the seat, enjoying the feeling of his hand on your leg, and stared at the city growing smaller behind you, the sinking sun flashing between the skyscrapers. You couldn't think of a single reason he would want to take you away from the city. With every exit that passed by, you expected him to swerve across the lanes and leave the highway, but minutes passed and the Porsche hummed along, leaving miles of road behind it. </p><p> </p><p>By the time you noticed him gliding across the lanes and onto an exit, you were sitting up straight, full of anticipation. You squinted at your surroundings-- typical things like salons and grocery stores and pizza shops-- as he zipped through unfamiliar streets. Nothing caught your eye until you spotted a building, several stories tall and completely unmissable, with bright lit up signs adorning the exterior. </p><p> </p><p>He turned, heading towards it and you pulled your lip between your teeth. </p><p> </p><p>"This is where we're going?"</p><p> </p><p>The car rolled into the enormous parking lot, and sped past the rows of occupied spots. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>"A casino?"</p><p> </p><p>He offered no answer as he pulled the car under the giant red awning and pulled the keys from the ignition. He opened his door without another word and you mirrored his actions, stepping out of the Porsche and pulling at the hem of your dress. Kylo handed his keys to the young valet boy and walked through the sliding glass doors without a glance in your direction. </p><p> </p><p>"Dick," you mumbled under your breath. </p><p> </p><p>You smiled and thanked the kid before scurrying inside after him. </p><p> </p><p>You had only been to a casino once in your life when you were a kid. You couldn't recall exactly, but it must have been a family reunion or something, either way the place had been a dump. The only highlights you could remember were that it reeked of smoke and was covered in ugly green carpet. </p><p> </p><p>This one was different. Under your heels, were large marble tiles, which met white walls. A chandelier dazzled above you, supported by a high vaulted ceiling. There was a short, wide hallway in front of you that led to rows of machines and tables, everything somehow dim and bright at the same time. It was noisy too, the roaring of conversation and the sound effects of machines filling the space. Kylo was already through the hall, taking large unbothered, strides and you had to jog to catch up with him. </p><p> </p><p>"Why are we here?" you asked, matching his pace. </p><p> </p><p>His eyes flickered at you, as if he had forgotten you were with him. </p><p> </p><p>"To have fun."</p><p> </p><p>Fun didn't seem like something Kylo would actively seek out. Besides, this wasn't your idea of fun and you couldn't imagine it was his either, but you followed him across the room, passing between the rows of machines, until you were spit out on the opposite side. In front of you was a circular entryway with the words <em>High Limit</em> plastered above it in wide glowing letters. Kylo  moved forward and through the entrance with you trailing behind him nervously. </p><p> </p><p>The space inside was quieter and dimmer. There was a small assortment of slot machines on one side, a few tables on the other, with couches settled between them in front of the bar. There was a collection of guests, mostly men, dressed in business attire and smug faces. You felt just as you had when you entered the restaurant in New York-- completely clueless and out of place. Kylo walked up to the bar with wide shoulders, and leaned his arm against the counter, waiting on the bartender. You stood in front of him, eyes dancing around the room. </p><p> </p><p>"Have you been here before?" you asked.</p><p> </p><p>"A few times."</p><p> </p><p>You chewed on your lip and watched the bartender step in front of you, looking to Kylo first. </p><p> </p><p>"Old fashioned for me and uh-" he glanced at you and you opened your lips to order. "- a martini for her."</p><p> </p><p>As soon as the man stepped away you frowned at Kylo. "I can order my own."</p><p> </p><p>"Didn't want you to get a water."</p><p> </p><p>You scoffed. "Since when do I not like to drink?"</p><p> </p><p>He squinted and leaned closer to you. "You're being a bit uptight."</p><p> </p><p>You pushed your teeth together. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't think I'm the uptight one," you mumbled with too much confidence, which was quickly drained by the look on his face. "I'm just a bit nervous," you added, pleading innocence.</p><p> </p><p>His glare receded and he tapped the counter with the black ring encircling his middle finger. </p><p> </p><p>"You'll be fine."</p><p> </p><p>You held a breath under your chest, hoping for a less lame affirmation, before releasing a small sigh when there wasn't one. He wasn't exactly the worlds greatest hype man. Or much of a nurturer. Or even an averagely sympathetic person. The bartender set your drinks in front of you and you thanked him, taking a sip from your glass and hoping the alcohol could blur your discomfort.</p><p> </p><p>"So, are you going to play?" You nodded towards the tables. </p><p> </p><p>"No." Kylo straightened his posture and stepped away. "You are."</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes widened but you followed behind him, gripping your glass tightly. You didn't enjoy being put on the spot like this. You weren't in the mood to play a new game with strangers and make a fool of yourself, which was certain to happen. Maybe if he warned you about things you would take to them easier. You smoothed your hands over your dress and stood next to him, quietly watching the movements at the semicircular table. Why couldn't you go to dinner and a movie like normal people?</p><p> </p><p>"What are they playing?" you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"Blackjack."</p><p> </p><p>"I've never played."</p><p> </p><p>"You're about to."</p><p> </p><p>You shifted uncomfortably on your feet and rubbed your lips together. </p><p> </p><p>"I-I don't know how. Why don't you play first and I'll watch, you know, until I get the hang of it," you murmured, leaning closer to him and trying to sound less frantic than you felt. </p><p> </p><p>He pushed against the low of your back, as a player abandoned their seat. "You're up."</p><p> </p><p>Swallowing thickly, you sat down and glanced at the other players. All men, and they looked amused to see you. You glanced at their watches. All rich. And their smiles. All condescending.  Kylo reached inside his jacket and pulled out a stack of money, and you felt you might puke at the sight of it. There was tape around it and everything. All hundreds. You tried to maintain a calm expression but your stomach was churning with unease. He was keeping that in his fucking jacket pocket this entire time?</p><p> </p><p>Kylo didn't look bothered, but he glanced at you and smirked at the look on your face. You watched the dealer thumb through the cash, counting. It took longer than you wanted to and your skin crawled when she said--</p><p> </p><p>"That's ten. How do you want your chips?"</p><p> </p><p>"Black and purple," Kylo answered, though the woman was looking at you. </p><p> </p><p>Her fingers ran along the rows of chips, counting them, you were guessing, and pulled them out by stacks, placing them in front of you. There were three stacks of black chips, so many you almost felt embarrassed, and one polite stack of purple. Now in front of you, you could see that the black said $100 and the purple said $500. Oh for god's sake. </p><p> </p><p>The dealer shuffled the cards in a machine, and you tapped your foot against the stand of your chair. You were playing a game you didn't even know the rules of with a bunch of entitled, arrogant men who were going to find your humiliation entertaining. And that included Kylo. Not to mention you had 10k laying in front of you, waiting to be wasted away. You would much rather be spending your Saturday night at a club with Ivy. </p><p> </p><p>"Place bets," she said, pulling the cards from the machine. </p><p> </p><p>You watched as the two men before you slid chips in front of them. You looked to Kylo with anxious eyes. He was right behind you, only inches away, stoic as ever. </p><p> </p><p>"The minimum is three hundred," he leaned down and whispered in your ear. </p><p> </p><p>You tried to contain the nausea in your gut, as you pushed three black tokens into the felt circle in front of you.</p><p> </p><p>The dealer started laying out cards, two in front of each player face up, and two in front of her, one face up, one face down. </p><p> </p><p>You had a 6 and a 3. The dealer had an 8. And you had no idea if any of that was good or bad. You glanced at the other players' cards. Did you need to know that too?</p><p> </p><p>"Don't worry about their cards, just yours and hers." Kylo's breath was warm against your ear. "You're trying to get as close to twenty one as you can."</p><p> </p><p>The two men next to you did an assortment of things, all extremely quickly. You had absolutely no idea what had happened before it was apparently your turn. </p><p> </p><p>"Tap the table," Kylo said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>You obeyed and the dealer laid another card with your others. It was a 7. </p><p> </p><p>"Again."</p><p> </p><p>You tapped again. An 8. Math wasn't exactly your forte, so you frowned, adding the numbers together. All together that's 24. </p><p> </p><p>The dealer snatched up your chips and added them to her pile. Your shoulders sunk and you  snapped your neck to look at Kylo. </p><p> </p><p>"If you go over twenty one you bust," he explained. </p><p> </p><p>"You didn't tell me that," you mumbled, frowning and thinking about the 300 dollars that had just vanished into thin air. </p><p> </p><p>The dealer started shuffling cards again, and Kylo took the opportunity to catch you up. Though he should have done it earlier. </p><p> </p><p>"You're trying to beat the dealer, get closer to twenty one than her. Always assume her other card is a ten. Face cards are ten too. Aces can be one or eleven."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded, only half understanding what he was really saying, and then the men started placing bets again. </p><p> </p><p>"400 this time," Kylo mumbled into your hair. </p><p> </p><p>Reluctantly, you obeyed, pushing four black chips into your circle. Two cards were placed in front of you. 3 and 5. You glanced at the dealers'. She had an 8 again.</p><p> </p><p>You chewed on your lip as the men played, and when it came your turn, you tapped the table before Kylo could say anything. A Jack. That was 18. You waved your palm over the cards in one motion, as you had seen the others do and smiled to yourself. Kylo was watching you with amusement. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, the dealer flipped over her second card. It was a 9. She picked out two more black chips and placed them in front of you. You smiled sheepishly and looked to Kylo. </p><p> </p><p>"I won?" you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>You added the new chips to your pile and an older, bald man chuckled, his beady eyes focused on you. You resisted the urge to glare at him. The next several rounds passed by quickly. That was the danger of the game. As soon as a round ended the next one began, and you couldn't find the chance to slip out. You won and lost about the same, switching between betting 300 and 400, until Kylo demanded you do more. You worked upwards until you were betting 700, two black chips and a purple. Every win made you smile and look to Kylo's dark eyes and arrogant lips. The only praise he would offer was a small nod, and even that was gratifying. But every loss made the knot in your stomach tighten, nausea building in your throat. All you could do was imagine what that money could have bought you. A new phone. A night in New York with Ivy. Another Gucci handbag. Instead it went to nothing. Nothing at all but two minutes of entertainment. </p><p> </p><p>You reached for your chips and felt Kylo's breath on your neck. </p><p> </p><p>"Do two."</p><p> </p><p>"I thought three hundred was the minimum?" you whispered back. </p><p> </p><p>"Two thousand."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped and shook your head. No fucking way. </p><p> </p><p>"Do it."</p><p> </p><p>You shook your head again and pushed 800 into the circle. Kylo's eyes were angry. You cowered under his gaze and focused on the cards being placed in front of you. A Queen and a 4. You tapped the table. An 8. Fuck. That was 22. The dealer took your chips and you peeked at Kylo. He was fucking furious, staring at you with nothing but dominance. </p><p> </p><p>Bets were being placed again and you stared at the shrinking pile of chips in front of you. God, this was stupid. Everything about it. </p><p> </p><p>"Two thousand."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped.</p><p> </p><p>"Now," he hissed. </p><p> </p><p>You pressed your lips together and pushed four purple chips into the circle. Your neck was warm, your throat tight. Two thousand dollars. A new laptop. A flight to somewhere warm. Three pairs of fancy heels. Just sitting on the table in front of you, ready to be snatched away.</p><p> </p><p>You took a deep breath and looked at your cards. 6 and a 5. You tapped the table. An 8. That was 19. A decent chance. </p><p> </p><p>"Again," Kylo growled. </p><p> </p><p>You frowned, chest tight. "No, I'll lose," you whispered back. He was leaning around you now, hands pressed against the table on either side of you. You could feel his breath against your ear, his chest against your back.</p><p> </p><p>"Again."</p><p> </p><p>Reluctantly, you tapped the table. The men beside you exchanged humored glances and your tongue went dry. It was a 4. The dealer collected your chips. All that money gone in an instant. You felt sick. </p><p> </p><p>Bets again. This was getting tiring. The same thing over and over. Anxiety building steadily, making you wish you hadn't come at all. Was Kylo's intent really to expose your weakness, showcase your anxiety in front of complete strangers? If so, it was working. </p><p> </p><p>"Three," Kylo said. His voice was chilling. </p><p> </p><p>"I can't."</p><p> </p><p>"You will do whatever the fuck I tell you to do."</p><p> </p><p>You pressed your lips together, eyes stinging. Three thousand was more than half of what you had left. You pushed it forward. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo's hand grazed your back, a praise for your submission, but you didn't even want his touch. Not now, not like this. Not when he was pushing you past boundaries he already knew you had, forcing you into something he knew you would hate. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't think I want to play anymore," you croaked quietly.</p><p> </p><p>"You're not allowed to leave. You already bet." His tone was void of sympathy.</p><p> </p><p>You blinked rapidly at the numbers in front of you. Jack and a 10. You smiled. That's 20. You waved your hand, looking at Kylo with a glimpse of hope. The dealer flipped her card. An 8 and a 2. You held your breath as she flipped herself another. An ace. That was 11. Which meant-</p><p> </p><p>She gathered your chips and added them to her stack. </p><p> </p><p>You blinked at the pathetic pile of chips you had left. Tears were stinging in your eyes, guilt building in your throat. All his money, most of 10k, gone. And nothing in return. </p><p> </p><p>You stood from the table with blurry eyes and headed for the circular entrance, scurrying into the main playing floor. You could hear Kylo following you, his shoes pounding against the tiles. Loud and angry. You dodged the tipsy, laughing players that crowded the walkway and zigzagged through the machines until you broke out of the center. The front entrance was now in sight and with foggy vision you beelined towards it. It was dark out now, and the same young valet boy looked up as the doors swung around you. The air was icy, biting at your skin and stinging your throat, but you walked along the side of the building anyway, away from the entrance, water brimming in your eyes.</p><p> </p><p>"What the fuck was that?"</p><p> </p><p>Strong fingers grabbed your wrist and tore you backwards. You yelped and pulled at your arm, trying to escape his grip. Kylo looked absolutely outraged, eyes furious, breaths fuming under his chest. He held your hand up, near his face, taunting you with his control. </p><p> </p><p>"I should ask you the same thing," you yelled back, finally managing to pull your wrist from him. You held it against your chest and scowled at him. </p><p> </p><p>"I didn't say you could leave."</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't need permission," you spat. </p><p> </p><p>He shifted his jaw. </p><p> </p><p>"Why the fuck are you crying?" he asked, and not kindly.</p><p> </p><p>You pulled your brows together and wiped the wetness from your cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>"Cause I'm upset, you dick! Why would you do that? I mean, you saw me have an anxiety attack after you tried to buy me a fucking purse. You <em>knew</em> that pushing me like that would make me uncomfortable."</p><p> </p><p>"God, you're an idiot."</p><p> </p><p>You flinched at his words. He always said harsh things but never like that, never an attack specifically aimed at you or your character. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't... don't say that to me," you whispered.</p><p> </p><p>He stepped closer, towering over you. "But you are. You wanted this arrangement and you can't even handle it. You can't even take my money without fucking crying."</p><p> </p><p>You pulled your arms around yourself. Your blood felt ice cold. Goosebumps lined your skin. </p><p> </p><p>"Because it makes me feel guilty, you asshole. I have accepted everything you've given me, except for that god damned purse, and I have thanked you for it, haven't I? But that...that wasn't even money you were giving me, it's money you were forcing me to throw away, 'cause what? You--you get off on that or something? You like seeing me feel afraid of your wealth and shit?"</p><p> </p><p>"As a matter of fact, yes."</p><p> </p><p>Your throat was thick with anger, lungs so tight they ached. You shook your head. "That's okay sometimes, but not this time, okay? That was wrong. You pushed it too far. I've-" you laughed dryly. "-- I don't think I've ever even had ten thousand dollars in my bank account all at once. So, yes, it brings me a lot of fucking anxiety to see it be wasted away, especially by my own doing."</p><p> </p><p>You took a deep breath and pressed your palms against your cheeks, hiding your face from him. The same Kylo who had told you he wanted your devotion, the same Kylo that left you shaking on the kitchen counter, the same Kylo who said he wasn't responsible for your feelings, was standing in front of you. And you hated him. </p><p> </p><p>"I was giving you <em>permission</em> to waste it. Why can't you just enjoy it?" he hissed. His expression was granting you no pity, not an ounce of humanity behind his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>"Because that's not who I am," you said desperately. "God, do you even pay attention to other people, like at all? When have I ever seemed like I would enjoy wasting large sums of money? I don't even like shopping with it! I don't even--" you laughed behind your hands, "-- I'm scared of restaurants with too many forks."</p><p> </p><p>You were met with silence, only the low rumble of distant traffic filling the air. You took a deep breath and dropped your hands. Kylo was empty. Empty posture, empty expression. There was nothing you could hold onto, no sign of remorse from him that could bring you comfort. </p><p> </p><p>You spoke calmly, though your heart was hammering in your chest. "Can you just... admit that you knew this would make me feel bad, the same way I felt bad at that Chanel store a few weeks ago?" </p><p> </p><p>Jaw tight, he answered, his voice like gravel. "Yes, I knew you would hate it. I <em>wanted</em> you to hate it."</p><p> </p><p>You sniffled and pressed your fingers to your lips. How much pain could you endure? Not only the pain that he caused you on purpose like this, but the pain he caused you on accident by being so easy to forgive, easy to make excuses for, easy to adore, easy to defend against Ivy. And here he was proving her right-- A cold, heartless man with nothing but selfish intention. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe a little more pain. You could survive just a little more of the agony he caused you. Just not at this specific moment.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm going to get an Uber," you said and pulled out your phone. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll drive you."</p><p> </p><p>"You should stay. I don't want to ruin your night, just--," you sighed and gestured towards the door. "Go inside and drink and humiliate girls and whatever the fuck is fun for you. I want to go home and sit in my shitty apartment and drink shitty tequila, because that's what's fun for me."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm driving you." He started back towards the valet and the young boy shifted anxiously on his feet. </p><p> </p><p>"Um, someone's bringing it now, Sir," the kid said, visibly nervous. </p><p> </p><p>Oh, god. The poor boy had just been standing there watching you two yell at each other. You wished you could spare the rest of the world from Kylo's anger. It seemed to bounce through every corner of your reality. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo, I don't want you to drive me," you said quietly. Even when you were livid with him you didn't want to speak too harshly, mostly because you didn't want whatever ruthless things he would reply with. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't really care what you want."</p><p> </p><p>He couldn't be gentle, even when mascara was smudged under your eyes and your hands were visibly shaking. You decided to give up. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>You waited in tense silence until the Porsche pulled up and you approached it with itchy eyes. </p><p> </p><p>The valet boy stepped forward to open the door for you as Kylo walked around the front of the car. The kid paused with his hand on the door and looked at you with tight lips.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you need me to call someone Miss?" he whispered almost silently. </p><p> </p><p>Your heart dropped, but you smiled at him kindly. </p><p> </p><p>"That's very sweet, but I'm okay." You assured him with a nod as you slid into the seat, and he shut the door reluctantly. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo pulled away, away from the casino, away from whatever town you were in, and onto the highway. Now that he was angry his driving was especially irresponsible. He whipped around a car, the driver honking at him incessantly. A completely unnecessary close call. </p><p> </p><p>You touched his arm, anxiety tight in your lungs. "You're scaring me."</p><p> </p><p>He glanced at you, but his speed remained the same. </p><p> </p><p>Your mind was stuck in a war. You wanted to pretend that this night hadn't happened. You wanted to pretend that the heartless version of Kylo didn't exist. You remembered his words from Thanksgiving. <em>Sometimes I think you forget this isn't real</em>. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't speak again until the Porsche was stopped in front of your apartment. You reached for the door handle and paused.</p><p> </p><p>"What's the difference between--," you watched his blank expression carefully. "--today and two days ago?"</p><p> </p><p>He didn't speak. </p><p> </p><p>"You were so happy to be with me then, and now, you're hurting me on purpose and I don't know why," you continued. </p><p> </p><p>He took a shallow breath through his nose. "There's shit happening at work."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded in an attempt to be sympathetic. "That's an explanation, but it's not an excuse."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know what you want from me."</p><p> </p><p>Tears were stinging in your eyes. Because you knew exactly what you wanted from him and you knew it was something he would never give you.</p><p> </p><p>"I have never lashed out at you apart from tonight. Not even when you left me all alone in the middle of the night in New York. I am always patient with you, aren't I?"</p><p> </p><p>He didn't move.</p><p> </p><p>You continued. "It's not fair that I have to tiptoe around your moods, that I have to be scared you're going to snap at every word I say. It's not fair that I barely receive even the minimum amount of respect from you. That's all I ask. That you respect that I'm a person, not a toy."</p><p> </p><p> Silence. Heavy, suffocating, silence that boiled rage behind your eyes. This bastard, unable to show you humanity when you were begging him for it. You were starting to wonder if any of the glimpses of sweetness you had seen in him were real. That night he took you shopping, he should have taken you home after your anxiety attack. But he forced you to do more of what had caused it. He never apologized for his lack of aftercare. He never seemed to regret his hurtful comments. In New York he should have felt guilty for leaving you bleeding and weak. Laptops and dresses and fancy restaurants weren't apologies and they weren't worth his deception.</p><p> </p><p>Finally he spoke. "Get out."</p><p> </p><p>Something in you shattered. You wanted an apology. That was all. One single 'I'm sorry' and you would have asked him to drive you back to his apartment. Two simple words and you would be putty in his hands again. You pulled the handle and stepped into the frigid air.</p><p> </p><p>"Good luck finding someone that's going to tolerate your shit as much as I did," you said calmly and slammed the door.</p><p> </p><p>The tears didn't fall until you were through the front door, and they didn't stop until you fell asleep.</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. 80 Pound Cardstock</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Is she okay?" Sophie whispered into Rey's ear, thinking you couldn't hear her. </p><p> </p><p>The answer was absolutely no, not even a little bit. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm fine, Soph," you assured her, watching her face turn pink at the realization that you had overheard. </p><p> </p><p>All four of you-- Sophie, Rey, Ivy, and yourself-- were situated on your favorite couches tucked away in the corner of Outskirt Cafe. Six days since you last saw Kylo. Six terrible, miserable, absolutely devastating days of missing him. And hating him. You found that anger was easier to feel then heartbreak, so you did your best to transfer your tears into yelling. Poor Ivy had to endure hours of you ranting, repeating all the words he had said to you and bashing every tiny annoying thing he had ever done. How he never slept. Although, sleepy Kylo was your favorite. And how he always was drinking. You couldn't exactly talk, you drank frequently too. Or how... To be honest there wasn't much you could grasp onto to hate. You couldn't even make fun of his sex skills. His dick was too big to laugh at. </p><p> </p><p>Rey glanced at Ivy and they shared a knowing look. </p><p> </p><p>"Alright, you know what, if you're all just thinking about it, we can go ahead and talk about it. Okay?" You said and sat up, opening your palms towards them, trying to say 'lay it on me'. Your throat was already stinging with the threat of tears. </p><p> </p><p>Sophie pushed her strawberry blonde curls out of her face and leaned forward, her dangly pearl earrings knocking against the sides of her face. You were glad she was here. She always seemed to have a warm calming presence, the kind of nurturing comfort you needed about now.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't like seeing you like this," Sophie said, the only one willing to speak. "I've never seen you get so hung up on a guy before."</p><p> </p><p>"That's because I'm never interested enough to get to know them, but with Kylo I had to get to know him. It was unavoidable," you said, itching your nose out of awkwardness, and leaned your head against the back of the sofa. You weren't going to cry over him today. Okay just not now. Maybe later. Definitely not in front of everyone. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, and he turned out to be an asshole," Rey chimed in.</p><p> </p><p>You sat up and glared at her. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, you're right. He did." You could feel tears swarming behind your eyelids and you blinked quickly, trying to shoo them away. "He's a conceited, heartless prick and I really fucking--" Your voice cracked and a tear slipped free, dripping down your cheek, a public display of your chipped heart. "--hate him."</p><p> </p><p>Sophie's eyes widened and she slid away from her spot next to Rey and settled beside you. Rey followed with a guilty expression, positioning herself on the other side of you and letting you lean your head on her shoulder. You hid your hands in your face and took deep breaths. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay, okay, I'm fine," you grumbled, wiping your eyes and setting your hands in your lap. "I really don't want to cry right now, and I don't want to talk about me anymore."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, ummm," Sophie linked her arm through yours and scrunched her nose, trying to think of a new topic. "Oh, Rey keeps talking about taking a vacation in the spring. Like with all of us."</p><p> </p><p>You furrowed your brow and glanced at Rey. That seemed like something she should have mentioned already. Her lips were pressed against each other, almost like she was nervous.</p><p> </p><p>"Where?" Ivy asked, sharing in your confused expression. </p><p> </p><p>Rey shrugged. "Somewhere close. Maine, maybe. I was thinking we could just rent a beach house or something. Sophie and I can cover that part so you won't have to save up too much."</p><p> </p><p>You thought of Kylo. He would have offered to pay your portion for the trip. He was a dick, but a generous one. </p><p> </p><p>"That sounds nice. It's just for fun?" you asked, still taken off guard by the fact that Rey hadn't mentioned it earlier. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm," Rey hummed.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm in," Ivy said.</p><p> </p><p>"Me too," you added. </p><p> </p><p>"Well, perfect! God, we deserve a vacation, don't you think?" Sophie gushed. She smiled at Rey, who nodded and smiled back. "Start saving up. Actually speaking of that, why don't you tell us about work?" Sophie shook your arm as if work was something to be excited about. </p><p> </p><p>"Um, it's fine. My coworkers are nice, I guess. It's kind of boring. I mean, it's a stationary store. It's literally just paper and shit," you explained, deciding to humor her. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't even know stationary stores existed until you walked past one with a 'Hiring' sign hanging in it's window. It certainly wasn't the worst thing in the world, better than any job in the food industry. Most of your customers were old women, crafters, or artists, which all proved to be somewhat kind, and the store itself was tiny and admittedly adorable with rows of stickers, markers, and patterned paper. Every time you left, you felt like writing after staring at the collection of notebooks opposite the register. The writing inspiration was one upside of the job. The pay certainly wasn't. </p><p> </p><p>"Any hot coworkers?" Rey asked with enthusiastic eyes. </p><p> </p><p>You wanted to gripe and say, 'too soon', but you resisted and shook your head. "There's only one boy who even works there, and I'm not sure I would call him hot."</p><p> </p><p>"That's too bad," Sophie said with a soft smile. </p><p> </p><p>"Not really," you said bluntly. You felt bad instantly. They were trying to help. "Sorry I'm, uh, I'm just really pissed off lately. I appreciate what you guys are doing."</p><p> </p><p>"We could go out tonight or tomorrow," Ivy chimed in, leaning around Sophie to look at you. "Let's get drunk, dance a little." She moved her arms in front of her mimicking a terrible fake dance move. "You need to have fun."</p><p> </p><p>Rey nodded immediately as if Ivy had suggested something obvious like Advil for a headache and added, "That sounds like a good idea." Always playing the part of the big sister. </p><p> </p><p>It had been a while since you'd gotten to go out with Ivy. She was always busy with Poe and you were always busy with...well. Anyway, it'd be nice to feel like your old, not-completely-devastated self. Alcohol seemed like a good idea too. Not that you hadn't already been indulging in it most of the last six nights. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay, sure, we'll go tomorrow night," you said, rubbing under your eyes to check for smudged mascara.</p><p> </p><p>Sophie sighed and glanced at her phone. "I think I should go, my lunch is almost over," she announced, standing up and straightening her white uniform shirt. She looked at you sadly. "Call me anytime, alright?" You nodded and she leaned down to hug you. "Love you," she whispered with a smile.</p><p> </p><p>"Love you." You tried to smile back. </p><p> </p><p>She gave Ivy a brief hug too, and leaned down to kiss Rey goodbye. You had to look away. Any public displays of affection felt like a stab in the heart at the moment. Rey watched her leave until the door shut behind her, eyes soft with admiration. It made your chest hurt, which made you feel guilty. Just because you weren't happy didn't mean other people couldn't be. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy scooted over, filling the now empty spot next to you. "It's almost Christmas," she said, looking at you with raised eyebrows. </p><p> </p><p>You smiled despite the weight in your lungs. "That's true, at least there's one thing I can look forward to."</p><p> </p><p>"Sophie's already losing her mind planning the party," Rey cut in. </p><p> </p><p>You frowned. "You do the same thing every year."</p><p> </p><p>She nodded and chuckled. "Yeah, but she buys new decorations and spends like a full day picking out just the napkins."</p><p> </p><p>The Rey/Sophie Annual Christmas party tended to be your favorite day of the year. They sent out ridiculous invitations, even though it was always on the 24th and the same twenty people or so were always invited, and every year they named it "Make the Yuletide Gay" which everyone found hilarious. One year there were even t-shirts. </p><p> </p><p>"Well, I can't wait," you said, leaning back into the sofa cushions. Genuinely, you couldn't wait. You needed something like that soon, something good, and then you might feel even just the tiniest bit better. </p><p> </p><p>"What time do you work, Bub?" Rey asked, shifting so that she was leaning against you. </p><p> </p><p>"A couple hours," you answered with a glance at your phone. "I don't really feel like it."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, but it's a good distraction, right?" Ivy asked. </p><p> </p><p>"I guess. I usually don't think about Kylo that much when I'm there."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>"I think that will look really nice for your centerpieces," you said with your typical customer- service-smile plastered on your face. </p><p> </p><p>"I think so too, thanks for your help," the gray-haired woman answered, taking the bag from your hands and giving you a small wave as she left. "I'm sure I'll be back soon!" she called before the door closed behind her.</p><p> </p><p>Nice customers were the best source of fuel, better than the coffee from Outskirt pumping through your system, better than your overly peppy coworker, Logan, trying to make cheesy jokes to pass the time. You weren't sure if he noticed, but you found conversations with him more annoying than entertaining. </p><p> </p><p>"You have plans for the weekend?" Logan asked, sorting an online order into a box. </p><p> </p><p>You turned around and leaned against the counter to watch him. "Um, yeah, gonna go out with some friends, you?" Politeness was the bane of your existence. </p><p> </p><p>"Nah, I have finals coming up. Loads of studying to do," he answered. </p><p> </p><p>You tried to sound interested. "That sucks. You ever get the chance to have fun?"</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled and folded the cardboard flaps. "Not much time to have fun as a law student."</p><p> </p><p>He was a little dorky with round wire frame glasses and shaggy brown hair, but it was almost endearing. If he was a dork, he was the ideal kind of dork that studied law and worked in a stationary store and always asked the regulars how their families were doing. Still, not your type. </p><p> </p><p>"That's the fate you chose for yourself."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded with an amused smile. "Yes, that's true. You're not in school, right?"</p><p> </p><p>You shook your head and he gestured to the shelves behind your legs. You grabbed the tape from one and handed it to him. "Never really expected to go to school. Too expensive. I don't really like the idea of it anyway. I don't think I'd use a degree if I got one." </p><p> </p><p>"That's understandable."</p><p> </p><p>You fidgeted with a display of pens beside the register. "Is it really hard?"</p><p> </p><p>Logan smoothed down the tape and turned to you, pushing his hair from his face. He shrugged. "I mean, yeah, it's overwhelming sometimes, but it's where I want to be."</p><p> </p><p>"Is this where you want to be too?" You gestured to the pale green walls.</p><p> </p><p>He grimaced. "Mmm, is it where you want to be?"</p><p> </p><p>"Better than some of the other jobs I've had."</p><p> </p><p>"Like what?"</p><p> </p><p>You licked your lips. You had set yourself up for that one.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, uh, I was a server for a while."</p><p> </p><p>"Where?"</p><p> </p><p>Shit, you had set yourself up for that one too. You weren't exactly willing to tell this stranger about your old job at a gentleman's club. It's not that you were ashamed of it, but some people were perverts and tended to act strange when they knew. </p><p> </p><p>"Um, just somewhere."</p><p> </p><p>He furrowed his brows and grinned with confusion. "Somewhere?"</p><p> </p><p>"Uh, yeah." You shifted your feet and stared at a painting of butterflies on the wall. </p><p> </p><p>"You're a hard person to figure out. You're like, open and private at the same time. It's very-"</p><p> </p><p>The front door ringed with the alert of a new customer and you smiled at Logan tauntingly, before turning around to greet them. </p><p> </p><p>Your blood ran cold. You could feel it drain from your face, and rush to your heart. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo fucking Ren. </p><p> </p><p>He was staring right at you, wearing a black suit, and he looked annoyingly attractive, which made you want to hurt someone, most likely him. You turned back around quickly, not wanting to look at him any longer. Logan must have noticed the panic on your face. </p><p> </p><p>"You know that guy?" he whispered.</p><p> </p><p>"No," you said quickly. "Wait, uh, maybe, I don't know. Aren't you due for a break soon? You can take one now, I've got everything under control." </p><p> </p><p>That was a lie. You were pretty sure you had nothing under control at all. What even was control when you were in the presence of Kylo?</p><p> </p><p>He frowned and looked over your shoulder, surely at wherever Kylo was standing. "Alright," he said slowly, throwing one last awkward glance at Kylo before disappearing into the back. </p><p> </p><p>You took a deep breath to prepare yourself for whatever was going to happen next, and forced yourself to turn around, though everything in your head was screaming not to. He was walking along a table, looking at it's contents, though you knew he was really just trying to be a smug pain in the ass by pretending you didn't exist. His hair looked nice, a little tousled and maybe a little longer, but nice. The skin under his eyes wasn't a shade of purple, which almost made you angry. You selfishly wished that he wouldn't be able to sleep well without you. Seeing his face felt like a punch in the gut, rolling nausea through your throat and warmth in your cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>"What are you doing here?" you asked with fake confidence, gripping the edge of the counter in an attempt to steady your trembling hands.  </p><p> </p><p>He looked up at you quickly, expression blank as always and shrugged. "I'm here to get paper."</p><p> </p><p>You cocked your head. "You're here to get paper?" you repeated, mockingly. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>"How did you even know I worked here?" you sneered.</p><p> </p><p>"I have my ways."</p><p> </p><p>Alas, the ego never ceased. </p><p> </p><p>"I really don't want to see you."</p><p> </p><p>He was growing closer with each step and your heart was thumping so loudly against your ribs, you thought one might snap. </p><p> </p><p>"I just came to get paper."</p><p> </p><p>"For christ's sake, just leave. Please." You waved your hand in the direction of the door and stared at the intimidating slope of his brow. </p><p> </p><p>"Is this how you greet all your customers?"</p><p> </p><p>You squeezed your hands into fists, trying to maintain your frustration. "I don't know what kind of weird power trip you're taking right now, but you're not going to leave me in silence for a week and then show up to my new job and cause a scene."</p><p> </p><p>He approached the counter and leaned his palms against it, face closer than you liked. </p><p> </p><p>"Am I the one causing a scene?"</p><p> </p><p>If there was a time you were close to snapping, it was now, but you tried to shove the temptation away. You needed to be the bigger person.</p><p> </p><p>"Can you help me pick out some paper?" he asked, voice neutral.</p><p> </p><p>You gritted your teeth. This asshole. Enormous, overbearing douchebag. </p><p> </p><p>"You know what, Kylo, yes. Let me show you all my best recommendations for some fucking paper," you spat sarcastically, rage building in your throat. </p><p> </p><p>You moved around the counter and crossed the room in large angry strides until you stood in front of the wall of shelves. </p><p> </p><p>"What do you need paper for?" You hoped the glare you were sending him was having some sort of effect, but his stony expression didn't reveal any discomfort. </p><p> </p><p>"Uh, you know, normal stuff," he said casually, thumbing through a random notebook. </p><p> </p><p>You took a deep breath. You were going to humor whatever game he was playing, mostly because you didn't think he would leave until you did. "We have eight and a half by eleven cardstock that comes in multiple colors and weights: sixty, eighty, and one hundred and ten. Are you going to print with it?"</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm?"</p><p> </p><p>"Are you going to print with the paper?" You raised your brows.</p><p> </p><p>He frowned slightly. "Uh, sure."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay most printers can handle the 80 pound. I'd recommend that." You pointed to it, and pursed your lips waiting for him to say something snarky. He paused, staring right at you. "Well?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'll take two."</p><p> </p><p>"Great." You rolled your eyes and pulled them from the shelf.  </p><p> </p><p>He followed you back to the register where you slammed the stacks on the counter and scanned them quickly. You just wanted this to be over. Luckily, your rage was distracting you from your heartache for now, but you knew as soon as he left, you would crumble. Right now you just felt like slapping him. </p><p> </p><p>"I've never seen you this angry," he said blandly. </p><p> </p><p>You paused, scanner in hand. "That's what happens when you push someone to their breaking point." You checked the screen. "It's thirty-two, seventy-five." </p><p> </p><p>You continued to stare at the register as you held out your hand. He put his card in your palm and you flinched at the momentary touch of his fingers. Fuck that. Fuck him. You swiped it quickly, fingers shaking intensely, trying not to think about the time he had trusted you enough to carry it through New York. You handed it back to him, and tapped your nail against the printer, waiting for the receipt. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't like to feel angry," you said quietly.</p><p> </p><p>As soon as it printed, you tore it off and wasted no time shoving it into a purple plastic bag along with the paper. You set the bag on the counter and leaned against the edge, staring out the front windows. You just wanted him to leave already so that you could feel hurt all over again. The tears were already beginning to prickle at your eyes and the familiar sad tightness was restricting your throat. But he didn't move and eventually you felt compelled to look at him. </p><p> </p><p>He was just staring at you, face void of feeling, a blank slate. His shoulders were still wide and confident. You wished so badly to see him look broken over your anger for just a moment. </p><p> </p><p>"What? You succeeded in making me feel like shit at my job, congratulations. You're free to go," you griped. You were being harsh, but god, he deserved it. After all those things he said, and didn't say for that matter, he deserved to witness your unabashed anger. You didn't have to be gentle anymore. You didn't have anything else to lose with him.</p><p> </p><p>He stayed silent, eyes flickering over your face. It made you want to hide behind your hands and scream. </p><p> </p><p>"Did you really just come for paper?" you said more calmly.</p><p> </p><p>He glanced at the bag on the counter as if there was an answer there. Silence again. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you have anything to say, like at all, to me?" You scraped your lip between your teeth. It was strange to feel so incredibly outraged at him, but still hope for an apology, a plea for you to come back. How could you hate someone and still want them?</p><p> </p><p>He stared at the counter between you, eyes cold and jaw unyielding. The same heartless man you had seen a week ago shouting at you in the cold air, was in front of you, and you wished so badly that you could any other version of him. Sleepy Kylo. Sweet Kylo. Even, scared-to-death Kylo. Seconds passed, far too many, and you realized that you were hoping to see a glimpse of a man that you weren't even sure existed. </p><p> </p><p>"Get the fuck out," you said sternly. The same words he had said to you the last time you saw him. He pulled the bag from the counter and walked away with no sign of remorse, no falter in his expression that could grant you any satisfaction of revenge. </p><p> </p><p>Those words had broken you when he said them. All you wanted was for them to break him too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry for the shorter and low-key lame chapter. To be fair I wrote and edited in 24 hours, but it's still necessary! Starting the next one already!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Perfect, Everything's Perfect</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>**warning: This chapter involves drug use. The drug that is mentioned heightens peoples' senses and makes them feel/act/think in ways they would not normally. Of course I have no intention to encourage anyone to partake in drug use, and I am not trying to be insensitive to the struggle of addiction. This is a safe space. All love.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You looked really fucking hot. </p><p> </p><p>At least, that's what you told yourself for the entire two hours that it took you to get ready. Ivy helped too, constantly hyping you up every time you finished a step in the process. The last time you had gotten this dressed up was for Kylo but this time it was just for you. You curled your hair and shook it out extra well, and for eyeshadow, you went darker than normal, hoping to feel like a newer, braver version of yourself. As for your outfit, Ivy lended you a forest green two piece-- a tight mini skirt and tank top that sloped downwards to tie in the middle, really more of a bra than a shirt. But that's exactly the sort of outfit you wanted to wear to a club when you were trying to mend a broken heart. </p><p> </p><p>"Are they almost here?" you asked, glancing at Ivy settled in front of the bathroom mirror. </p><p> </p><p>She peeked at her phone with a tube of lipstick tucked between her fingers. "Any minute."</p><p> </p><p>Rey and Sophie had politely declined your invitation to dance and drink, which was never surprising. Just not their scene. Instead, you asked your favorite fellow ex-waitresses from Cloud Nine. You always considered them Ivy's friends more than yours, but they knew how to party and that's all you really wanted. </p><p> </p><p>"I can't socialize while sober right now," you announced, leaving the bathroom and walking through the hall to the kitchen. You pulled a bottle of vodka from the cabinet and downed a shot straight from the glass mouth. The only plan you had for the night was to get as drunk as possible, so that you could forget about Kylo. If you were lucky you would wake up with no memory of him at all. You downed another gulp. </p><p> </p><p>A knock on the door made you replace the lid and stash the bottle back in the cupboard, before pulling the handle. Kat and Laney were equally as dressed up with skimpy outfits and ridiculously high heels. They both squealed a greeting and you returned their bright smiles, stepping aside to let them in. </p><p> </p><p>"Ivy said you got your heart broken or something?" Kat said, pulling you in for a tight hug. </p><p> </p><p>Your smile faded for a moment but you replaced it quickly when she pulled away. "Kind of. He was an asshole. It's stupid. I just want to have a good night." </p><p> </p><p>"I think we can manage that," Laney said, glancing at Kat with a smirk. </p><p> </p><p>You hoped that meant they were going to order you a million shots in a row. </p><p> </p><p>"Ivy!" you yelled. "The Uber is literally waiting on us right now!"</p><p> </p><p>You could hear her bustling around, scrambling to fix whatever last finishing touches she needed. She stumbled out of the hallway, hopping on one foot in an attempt to put on her other heel. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi!" she said, beaming. "You guys look hot!"</p><p> </p><p>You all exchanged compliments and laughs, before Kat finally dragged you out of the apartment and into the Uber. It was nice to feel a little immature. Spending so much time with Kylo had made you forget that you were this young. This is how you were really supposed to be spending your weekends. </p><p> </p><p>Laney ruffled through her purse as Kat made small talk with the driver. </p><p> </p><p>"Here."</p><p> </p><p>In your lap was a homemade Rice Krispie treat. </p><p> </p><p>"What's this for?"</p><p> </p><p>"So you don't drink on an empty stomach."</p><p> </p><p>She handed one to Ivy too, and you unwrapped it and took a bite. It was decent. Your phone dinged and you pulled it from your red mini bag in record time. It was just Rey telling you to be safe. Kylo wasn't going to text you and he wasn't going to apologize, but still, every time you got a text your heart skipped a beat of hope. It was always fizzled out with disappointment. </p><p> </p><p>The club smelled like sweat and booze, and it was packed, rows of people from wall to wall. Exactly what you needed to forget about things. You all beelined for the bar and started with a round of shots, which Laney toasted by saying "To the dick that lost the hottest girl here". It made you roll your eyes and blush but really, the support eased the lingering pain. So did the alcohol. You ordered cocktails and huddled around a table, trying to spot guys to dance with. The girls all seemed excited to ooze over hot strangers but it was hard to relate. Comparing someone to Kylo didn't seem fair, and that's certainly what you would do, so you refrained from being too vocal about judging the partygoers. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey!" Kat said over the music, nudging you in the elbow. "How are you feeling?" She glanced at Laney and they shared a smile.</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged. "Pretty good."</p><p> </p><p>"And you, Ivy?" Laney asked. </p><p> </p><p>"I feel great!" Ivy replied. </p><p> </p><p>"I thought you might," Laney said, looking again to Kat who threw her head back laughing. </p><p> </p><p>You raised your eyebrows, silently asking for an explanation. </p><p> </p><p>"That Rice Krispie treat I gave you guys?"</p><p> </p><p>You nodded.</p><p> </p><p>"It had Molly in it."</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes widened. "Molly?" you shouted through the thumping of the speakers. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't yell it like that! But yeah!"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't look upset. We wanted you to have fun," Kat cut in, voice pleading. "And we know you don't mind drugs."</p><p> </p><p>"Well usually I'd like to choose when I take them!" you argued. </p><p> </p><p>It was wrong of them to do, that's true. But then again, your main goal for the night was to feel good. Molly would certainly help with that. Besides, if you got angry over it, you could end up with a bad high. Panic attacks and hospital rooms were not the way you wanted this night to end. </p><p> </p><p>Laney frowned, anxiety sketched over her face. You waved your hand, shooing away your snappy tone, and raised your glass. </p><p> </p><p>"Uh, here's to getting really, really, fucked up"</p><p> </p><p>Everyone cheered and Laney and Kat instantly looked relieved. </p><p> </p><p>It didn't take long to set in. After another round of drinks, your skin was buzzing and tingling but most of all, your mind was awake. Being here with your friends, in a hot outfit, and no sugar daddy to worry about was perfect. The lights beaming across the walls were enchanting. The music was fast and loud. You could feel it vibrating in your chest, and every word that came out of your mouth seemed mix with the melody.  And dancing, oh god, dancing felt like floating. Your limbs were light, and yet incredibly heavy, and the world was spinning slowly around you. You were in the midst of a crowd of people who you knew were all supposed to be there at the same time, and were sharing together in the love you all possessed. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy stepped in front of you, smiling largely. She wrapped her arms around your frame and you squeezed her. Her skin was soft and her hair was tickling your cheek, which made you giggle. Shoulders and elbows of the other dancers knocked into you, but you let them, allowed them to push you wherever you were meant to go. </p><p> </p><p>"I love you," you spoke into her ear.</p><p> </p><p>"Listen to me," she pulled away and placed her forehead against yours. "You're so good. You're the best person I've ever known. Your heart is bigger than mine."</p><p> </p><p>"No, your heart is big!" you assured her loudly. </p><p> </p><p>"No, yours is bigger, and that's why I can do the sugar baby stuff. Because I don't really care about those guys, but you do. You care. I should have never let you do it, and now your heart is broken which makes my heart broken." Her eyebrows were turned down with concern. </p><p> </p><p>She pulled you in for another hug and you swayed, shifting your weight from one foot to the other, enjoying the feel of her warmth. </p><p> </p><p>"No, no," you yelled into her hair. Your voice seemed to fill your head, drowning out the music and inflating inside your skull. "I'm not-- I don't think I'm upset about Kylo anymore. This is how it was meant to be, right? And he's great, he was so good. But now I can find someone else good and they will think I'm perfect and I'll think they're perfect, more perfect than Kylo. Oh god, I can't wait to meet them, they could be here right now."</p><p> </p><p>"Then you need to find them!" She shouted, pulling you away and bouncing on her toes. She whipped her head around, searching the room. "Go look for them!"</p><p> </p><p>"Wait, shhh, shhh," you pulled her close. "Look at that guy behind me."</p><p> </p><p>You both looked. He was tall, maybe not as tall as Kylo, but tall, with short hair styled neatly, and bright blue eyes.</p><p> </p><p>"Look at his eyes!" She half whispered, though it came out as more of a low yell. </p><p> </p><p>"I know, okay, okay, I should go," you said, smoothing down your hair and stepping forward. "Hi!"</p><p> </p><p>He glanced down at you. "Oh, hey." </p><p> </p><p>His smile was wide and welcoming, his cheeks a little pink. Up close now, you could see that what you had assumed were sleeves, were actually an assortment of tattoos. Different shapes and pictures, all in black ink swirled around his arm. You stared at it with your jaw open, and ran your fingers along his arm. His skin felt like hot tingling ink somehow and you laughed. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, your arm is beautiful," you said, still staring at the tattoos. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you," he chuckled. "I think <em>you</em> are really beautiful."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, god that's so nice. You are so nice."</p><p> </p><p>You kept your tingling fingers against his arm as you bounced on your feet and swung your hips, dancing to the music that was humming under your skin. It was hard to believe you had felt so sad a few hours ago, you couldn't even imagine feeling so sad now, not when everything was so intensely perfect. You stared at the lights as you moved, watching the assortments of colors fall over the crowd and over the face of the man in front of you. He was breathtaking and you laughed and reached a hand out to touch his nose. He stopped dancing and cocked his head slightly, watching you with curiosity. Your finger drew over the bridge of his nose and down to his cupids bow, tracing his lips. </p><p> </p><p>It took you a second to realize what happened next. His lips were against yours and they were soft and warm and perfect. You leaned forward, letting your body push against him. It felt like your skin was melting into his lips, his chest, his arms. You could smell his cologne, more floral than Kylo's, but just as strong and pleasant, and you floated for a minute, a combined pile of human with this stranger who didn't feel much like a stranger at all. </p><p> </p><p>And then you had an idea. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh my god," you pulled away and caught your breath. </p><p> </p><p>"What's wrong?" he asked, bending his neck to look at your face.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm writing a book!" You sighed and laughed. "And the boy he--I just, I know exactly how it has to end. Oh god, where's Ivy?" You stepped away and pushed through the crowd of sweaty bodies around you. Everyone was so giddy and kind, you could tell by the softness of their skin. Ivy was dancing alone, well not dancing. More like standing. Staring at the lights on the ceiling. </p><p> </p><p>"Ivy!"</p><p> </p><p>She looked up like she hadn't seen you in ages. "Hi! I just saw Kat and Laney, they went to the bar."</p><p> </p><p>"I just thought of how I want my book to end, oh god, Ivy, I think the boy has to never find a home, he has to grow up in the system and never get adopted, but then I tell them that his son is the one telling the story, and then the readers will be like 'Oh my god' because he ends up providing a good home to his own children, fuck!"</p><p> </p><p>Her jaw dropped and she squinted. "It sounds so good, it's so good!"</p><p> </p><p>"I need to write it, I need to write it now I think or I'm going to forget."</p><p> </p><p>"You're leaving?" she whined, leaning her forehead against your shoulder like her neck couldn't stay upright. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes! Yes! I have to go, but when you come home I will tell you everything I wrote and we can talk about everything we should talk about."</p><p> </p><p>She nodded. "Yes, I have so much to say about so much."</p><p> </p><p>You pulled her in for a hug, the feel of her skin satisfying, and kissed her hair before pushing back through the crowd. You smiled and muttered apologies as you bumped into people until you saw the entrance, and scurried towards it, desperate to put your words onto a page. </p><p> </p><p>The night air was cold, so cold it pricked your legs and swallowed you in it's embrace. It tasted like something that you couldn't put your finger on, but it was familiar and satisfying. You breathed it in, letting it rest in your lungs, happy and content, until you exhaled and watched a small cloud leave your lips. You shivered and glanced up and down the street, trying to remember where home was. If you had walked here, you might have had a better idea. Going right felt correct--the idea of it seemed to satisfy your mind--so you went along with it and headed down the sidewalk, arms wrapped around yourself. </p><p> </p><p>You took whatever turns felt right in your gut, two lefts and a right, and used your phone flashlight to lead the way. At some point you started to wonder if the phone flashlight was the one guiding you all along, showing you the right path home. Every bone in your body was excited to get back and find your laptop. Your fingers were itching with the need to tap against the keyboard. The thought of the clicking sound it would make was enticing too, pushing every step to be faster and larger as you hurried down the road. </p><p> </p><p>Your phone rang.</p><p> </p><p>"No, I'm trying to do something, fuck!" you yelled to no one, flipping it over to look at the screen. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was calling you. </p><p> </p><p>You answered immediately. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi, it's a terrible time because I'm really in a hurry to get home but I'm glad you called, even if we just saw each other yesterday. I think talking could do us a lot of good. I just feel like there's so much I could say, don't you?" you said breathlessly into the speaker, stopping to stare at a pile of trash bags. You couldn't tell if it was a person or not. Just trash, so you moved on. </p><p> </p><p>"That's... quite a greeting."</p><p> </p><p>He sounded just like himself only more. More Kylo than ever. And there was a hint of confusion in his voice that made you cackle. </p><p> </p><p>"Well, we can only talk until I get home and then I've got to write until I die, because I figured out how I want my book to end, so I think I'll skip right to that. I'll write the ending and then I'll come back and write the middle later. I could try to write it all, I feel like maybe I could make-"</p><p> </p><p>"Are you drunk?"</p><p> </p><p>You frowned. Were you drunk? You paused at the edge of an intersection and held out your phone, shining the flashlight in front of you. The flashlight chose left, so that's the way you turned. </p><p> </p><p>"I think--" you pinched your lip. "--I'm more high than drunk."</p><p> </p><p>"High?"</p><p> </p><p>"Hello?"</p><p> </p><p>"No I wasnt-- Oh for fuck's sake, who are you with?"</p><p> </p><p>You could hear his frustration through the phone. You could practically see him running his fingers through his hair with a wrinkle clear between his brows. The idea of it was humorous, Kylo with his phone against his ear looking incredibly stressed in the middle of the night. You laughed and pulled the speaker away for a moment to catch your breath. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm alone. Ah fuck, my feet are killing me hold on--"</p><p> </p><p>You set the phone on the ground and slipped out of your heels, holding them to your chest with one arm. You hopped on your toes for a moment, relishing how satisfying it was to be barefoot, and eventually picked up the phone again.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, I'm back," you announced.</p><p> </p><p>"You're walking home alone in the middle of the night, while high?"</p><p> </p><p>He sounded so condescending you rolled your eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, but I'm perfectly fine, no one could possibly hurt me."</p><p> </p><p>You could hear him rustling around on the other side of the phone, doors closing and keys jangling. </p><p> </p><p>"How's that?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh my god, why would anyone ever hurt me right now? They wouldn't."</p><p> </p><p>"Where are you?"</p><p> </p><p>You stopped and squinted at your surroundings. Through the dimness of the street lights you could make out a shop with an unlit sign that read <em>Hibiscus Ice</em>.</p><p> </p><p>"Mmm... in front of Hibiscus Ice?"</p><p> </p><p>"What the fuck is that?"</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know, Kylo, that's the only thing I can see." </p><p> </p><p>"Stay there."</p><p> </p><p>The phone disconnected and you stared at it for a moment disappointed that his voice was gone, no longer reverberating through your skull. You followed his instructions and sat on the edge of the curb, taking deep low breaths and enjoying the feeling of the cold air in your lungs. You could only sit still for so long. Too many minutes passed and you couldn't handle the energy buzzing through your veins. You obeyed the urge to start walking again, this time trying to go slowly so that he might still be able to find you. Eventually, you found the control to stop again, this time at the corner of an intersection. You laid down against the concrete. The rough texture pressed against your cheek and it felt nice-- cold and prickly. Time seemed to pass with no certain pace and you stared at the stoplight switching colors, glowing into the night air, a breathtaking blur of red, yellow and green. </p><p> </p><p>There was a rumbling noise and you watched as his Porsche approached, streetlights reflecting in it's shiny exterior. The tires squealed as the car stopped in front of you and the passenger window rolled down. </p><p> </p><p>"Get in."</p><p> </p><p>You shifted your body to lay towards him. His hair was messy, like he had been sleeping, which you realized he might have, at least before he called. But he looked even more gorgeous than you had remembered. </p><p> </p><p>"Wait, come look at the light." You motioned for him to join you. </p><p> </p><p>"What light?"</p><p> </p><p>"The stop light."</p><p> </p><p>"For fuck's sake," he mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>You heard the car door open and the sound of his shoes against the concrete. You pointed to where you were looking.</p><p> </p><p>"It's the greenest thing I've ever seen."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sure it is. Get in the car."</p><p> </p><p>You felt a tug at your shoulder and you frowned to look at him. He was wearing a hoodie, but not a black one. It was a deep, blood red. It seemed like it was glowing, a sea of maroon in front of your eyes. You stood and gawked at it, running your fingers over the soft fabric, fingers shaking.</p><p> </p><p>"Holy fuck, look at this color," you whispered. "I've never seen you wear a color, have I?"</p><p> </p><p>"Who cares? Let's go."</p><p> </p><p>"Wait, please stand right there."</p><p> </p><p>You pointed to a spot in front of the light and he stared at you with his brow furrowed, lips parted in annoyed anger. </p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>He grabbed your wrist and pulled you to the car, shoving you into the passenger seat and fixing your seatbelt, before closing the door and getting in, himself. The car started before you had even recognized you were inside it and you leaned your head against the seat, relishing the hum of the engine. </p><p> </p><p>"My jaw feels weird," you said, shifting it from side to side. It was tense and stiff and you wondered how you were even managing to open it to speak. </p><p> </p><p>"You're fine," he answered, not offering any condolences. </p><p> </p><p>"You're going so fast," you said, wide eyes peering out the window. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm going the speed limit."</p><p> </p><p>"Well it looks super fast."</p><p> </p><p>"You're so gone," he mumbled. "Don't touch anything, stop it."</p><p> </p><p>He swatted your hand away from the collection of buttons between you and you sighed, squeezing your eyes shut and letting yourself melt into the seat. Next thing you knew the car was parked and cool air was spreading over your legs. You felt his hair tickle your chin as he leaned over to unbuckle you, which you thanked him for. As you stepped out of the car, your balance wavered and he tried to grab you but you shooed him away. You were in a parking garage, rows and rows of cars around you. You blinked at them. </p><p> </p><p>"Come on," Kylo urged, staring at you with obvious disproval. </p><p> </p><p>You began to follow him. "Where are we?"</p><p> </p><p>"My place."</p><p> </p><p>You stopped, bare feet frozen to the cement. "No, no I need to go home. I need to write my story."</p><p> </p><p>"You can write here."</p><p> </p><p>You glanced around, ignoring his words, and tried to think of a way to leave. The only thing you could think of was walking home. So you decided that was the right call. You took off, scurrying quickly towards the ramp leading to the lower level, arms pumping the air at your sides. </p><p> </p><p>"Where are you going?"</p><p> </p><p>"Home! I need to write!"</p><p> </p><p>You quickened your pace, passing by cars, only an arm's reach from the top of the ramp. </p><p> </p><p>Your feet left the ground and you squealed. Kylo had thrown you over his shoulder in one quick, effortless movement. At first you pushed against his back, but ultimately enjoyed the feeling of hovering in the air, swaying slightly with his steps. You relaxed, pressing your cheek against the fabric of his hoodie and breathing in his cologne, a scent you had missed greatly. His walking stopped, and you closed your eyes, bracing yourself to be set down. A binging sound echoed through your ears, and then the floor moved upwards and you realized you were in an elevator. </p><p> </p><p>"You're gonna carry me all the way up?" you mumbled against his back.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you going to run?"</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe."</p><p> </p><p>No answer, but you didn't mind. Not when he smelled so good and the floor was moving so fast your stomach was floating in your gut. Another ding and he was walking again.</p><p> </p><p>"You smell really good," you sighed shamelessly. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>"You always do that. '<em>Mhmm</em>.' Just say thank you or yes or okay or a real answer made of real words."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>You laughed. "That was good! You're good. You're a good person, not a bad person. I've never thought you were a bad person. Maybe at the casino I did, but to be fair you were acting like a bad person then."</p><p> </p><p>The front door clicked and you opened your eyes to take in the apartment. It felt like ages since you'd last been here, but it looked just the same--so clean that you would think no one lived here at all. You shivered and he sat you down slowly, assuring the blood didn't drain form your head too quickly. </p><p> </p><p>"I need to write. Let me use your computer."</p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>"Please!"</p><p> </p><p>"Come."</p><p> </p><p>You followed him into his bedroom and sprawled yourself against the mattress. The silk was smooth and cool to the touch and you curled yourself up in it, rubbing your cheek against the fabric. Kylo left and you spent the minute he was gone enjoying the feeling of the sheets.</p><p> </p><p>"Here."</p><p> </p><p>You sat up and squinted at the night stand. There was a stack of paper, the paper you had helped him pick out, and a pen. </p><p> </p><p>"I can't handwrite it!"</p><p> </p><p>"That's your only option. Or sleep."</p><p> </p><p>"I can't sleep! My mind is wide, wide, wide awake."</p><p> </p><p>"Then write, but don't leave this room," he said, voice stern but face soft.</p><p> </p><p>"Well, sit here for a minute." You patted the bed and looked to him with hopeful eyes. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't feel afraid or angry. All you felt was hope. Everything was perfect, how could it not be? </p><p> </p><p>He pursed his lips for a moment, thinking, and sat down, eyes glued to your face. </p><p> </p><p>"You look so beautiful right now," you whispered. And he did. The curtains were open and the glow of the outside lights was spread over his features, igniting his skin. You thought if you touched him it might hurt, it might be so warm it would burn your fingers surely. </p><p> </p><p>He didn't smile or thank you. He just stared. Eyes curious. Maybe a little surprised. He cleared his throat. </p><p> </p><p>"What did you take?" he said plainly. </p><p> </p><p>"Molly."</p><p> </p><p>He rubbed his hands over his face. And you heard a mumbled, "Fuck's sake."</p><p> </p><p>"I only went out because of you."</p><p> </p><p>His gaze was so intense you thought it might knock you over. </p><p> </p><p>The feeling of talking was nothing but euphoric, and all you wanted to do was spill your guts about everything you could think of. So you continued. "I got really sad because of what happened, and all that stuff you said, and Ivy thought it would be good for me to go out and have fun. And I did. I had so much fun. I kissed someone and it felt so good, even though it wasn't you. 'Cause kissing you will probably always be better than anyone else, at least for a while." </p><p> </p><p>He was still, but you caught sight of his jaw tensing. </p><p> </p><p>"And you can't be mad," you went on. "And, oh god, I still feel good. Fuck! I feel perfect. I don't feel scared, you know? Cause I think everything is going to turn out just fine. I really do. I can't imagine a world where things don't turn out okay. And everything I have right now is so nice and so good, even though I do miss you. And life with you was good too."</p><p> </p><p>"You should stop talking," he said quietly. </p><p> </p><p>"Why?" You bent your neck to try to see his face better in the dimness. </p><p> </p><p>"You wouldn't say any of this sober."</p><p> </p><p>You pulled your lip between your teeth, trying to decide if you would or not. You probably would. Maybe. You couldn't imagine feeling the fear it would take to not say these things. </p><p> </p><p>"I think I would."</p><p> </p><p>He stood from the bed and walked to the door slowly. You could sense the wheels turning inside his head like they were your own. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll be outside, but don't leave," he said. And then he was gone. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. The Aftermath</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>**warning: there's some throwing up in this chapter (as a result of her wild night). some people probably hate that idk.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You woke up knowing a few things. </p><p> </p><p>First, Kylo must have gotten the heating fixed, because your hair was stuck to the back of your neck with sweat. The collar of your shirt was damp, and that was another thing. Your clothes were in a pile on the floor and the shirt that was hanging on you loosely, was Kylo's.  The other thing you knew was that you had drank too much. You couldn't remember feeling extremely drunk last night, but you felt it now in the form of a skull-splitting headache and a burst of nausea in the back of your throat. The thing you knew the most, was that you had embarrassed yourself beyond the point of salvation and you needed to leave as soon as possible. </p><p> </p><p>Before you could do that, you needed to call Ivy back. Your phone had countless messages and missed calls awaiting you. You listened to her most recent voicemail from about an hour ago, which was basically just her yelling into the phone. She picked up as soon as it rang. </p><p> </p><p>"Where the fuck are you?" she snapped.</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo's. I'm so sorry, are you okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm fine, other than the fact that I spent all morning thinking you were dead!" she shouted. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Really. To be fair I just woke up and the Molly version of me didn't think to call."</p><p> </p><p>She sighed. "The Molly version of me didn't even realize you were gone. I woke up at like four a.m. panicked. So we can call it even. What are you doing at Kylo's?"</p><p> </p><p>"Bit of a long story. I'm gonna try to sneak out now and I'll tell you about it when I'm back."</p><p> </p><p>"Be safe. Steal his watch or something"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh my god, bye now."</p><p> </p><p>You moved slowly, coddling your stiff limbs and the sick feeling in your gut. Your main goal was speed. Get the fuck out of here as quickly as you could and without causing any more damage to your dignity. The idea of wiggling into your skimpy outfit from last night did not seem like a time conscious idea, so you opted to carry your clothes in your arms until you were in the lobby and then you would at least put on the skirt. It would be embarrassing but it would be worth it. You also gathered the several sheets of paper you had spent the whole night scribbling on. Most of it was nonsense, but you figured it wasn't a total waste. </p><p> </p><p>You couldn't even make it to the bedroom door. Standing up was a bad idea. You should have crawled. Nausea rolled up your throat, making your face numb, and you realized there was no doubt that you were about to throw up. </p><p> </p><p>You stumbled into the bathroom, not bothering to flick on the light, and made it to the toilet just as the contents of your stomach departed you. Your eyes watered and your throat stung from the acid. Had you really drank that much? You tried to count the shots that you had ordered, but it occurred to you that there may have been plenty of shots you didn't remember. The Molly was still kicking you, just the leftover effects, so despite the dreadful situation you were stuck in, you felt kind of good. </p><p> </p><p>The puking continued for longer than you had hoped. In the end you threw up a total of four times until you were just gagging. After sipping some water from the sink faucet, you tried standing. You leaned against the counter for a few minutes, allowing your body to adjust to the new gravity, and once your insides didn't feel like they were upside down, you tried your escape again. </p><p> </p><p>Your biggest fear was that you would walk out and he would be sitting there, sipping on a coffee and shaming you for the fact that you had spent the night, drunk and high on Molly, writing in his bedroom and in his t-shirt, which you didn't remember putting on. Really the whole thing was a disaster. </p><p> </p><p>You opened the bedroom door painfully slowly, praying to the heavens that he wasn't on the other side. And he wasn't. You sighed out of relief at the view of the empty apartment. A quick look outside the balcony door told you he wasn't there either. You had to take agonizingly tiny and steady steps. If you hurried out of here, you'd puke in the elevator and you needed to not experience any more humiliation. Besides, he wasn't here. Although you couldn't imagine where he would have left to on a Sunday morning. Probably not church. </p><p> </p><p>Whether out of spite or greed, you weren't sure, but you decided to take one of the glass-bottled smoothies he kept a steady supply of. It felt like you had deserved at least that. With your arms full and struggling to hold all the items--clothes, heels, papers, and smoothie-- you crept toward the door, heart beating anxiously against the lungs that held your breath. </p><p> </p><p>You almost dropped everything and ran to hide when you saw the handle move. But there wasn't nearly enough time before the door opened and Kylo was there, wearing black jeans and the same red hoodie from the night before. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept, his hair ridiculously tousled, and in his hand was a cup of coffee, steam curling out of the top. </p><p> </p><p>He paused to take in the ridiculous sight of you and closed the door behind him. You must have looked like a deer in headlights with wide eyes and embarrassment etched clearly on your face. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, hi," you said awkwardly, wondering if you should set the smoothie down and just make a run for it. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi."</p><p> </p><p>He was staring at you, just staring with a blank face, and you thought you might explode with humiliation. It was hard to feel hatred for him when your mind was clouded with your own embarrassment. How is it fair that you had drank enough to be sick but not enough to forget all the things you wish you could?</p><p> </p><p>You set the smoothie on the counter.</p><p> </p><p>"I, um, I was gonna steal that which was really dumb, sorry I shouldn't have--You know what? I'm just gonna go," you rambled, stepping towards the door and trying not to look at him. </p><p> </p><p>"You can take it."</p><p> </p><p>"No, no that's okay. Uh, bye."</p><p> </p><p>Your cheeks were bright red by now, you were sure, and you reached for the door handle. </p><p> </p><p>"Wait."</p><p> </p><p>You paused, fingers wrapped around the metal. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>He sounded stiff, but genuine, maybe even a little desperate, and your heart did eight million backflips all at once. For the past week, you had spent every waking moment wanting to hear those words.</p><p> </p><p>"What?" you whispered, staring at the wooden door, too scared to look at him just yet. </p><p> </p><p>"You heard me," he said, discomfort evident in his tone. </p><p> </p><p>"What are you sorry for?"</p><p> </p><p>You were holding onto the handle tightly, trying to steady yourself and push away the nausea threatening your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"Why don't you sit down?"</p><p> </p><p>You swallowed and turned, taking slow steps towards the counter. You could have sat on a barstool, but you wanted to be higher than him. You didn't want him peering down at you making you look small, so you pushed yourself onto the slab of granite and waited. Your heart was hammering against your ribs, anxious to hear what he had to say. You had imagined this conversation a million times now, and you dearly hoped it turned out to be the way you needed it. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo leaned his palms against the other end of the counter. His shoulders were sunken, his jaw tight. He looked tense. </p><p> </p><p>Without looking away from the granite he spoke, "I'm not a... shiny person. I'm not going to be in good moods all the time, that's just how it is."</p><p> </p><p>You folded your arms and held tightly to the flesh of your biceps, waiting for him to say something else. If that was his idea of an apology, it was not going to be accepted. </p><p> </p><p>Luckily, he went on. "But I understand that... I can't take it out on you, and what happened last week was wrong. I should not have, um, pushed you like that."</p><p> </p><p>It still wasn't the apology you needed. A two sentence explanation? He was a grown adult, more so than you, and you needed him to communicate like one. </p><p> </p><p>"You said you wanted me to hate it, like you did it on purpose," you said, staring at him sternly. You didn't want to back down, even if your mind was begging you to forgive him. </p><p> </p><p>"I did do it on purpose," he said with a sigh. Finally, he looked at you with tired eyes. "But I shouldn't have. I just... I just needed to let off some steam."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not your personal punching bag."</p><p> </p><p>"I know." A deep breath and again, "I know."</p><p> </p><p>"You called me an idiot."</p><p> </p><p>His posture fell, head hanging, shoulders sloping. </p><p> </p><p>"I didn't mean it."</p><p> </p><p>You could tell every word he was saying was being forced out through those high walls in his mind, and you knew it couldn't have been easy for him. It might have been a little painful, even. The tone of his voice made it sound strained, like he had to physically shove them out before his tongue could stop them. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't think you're an idiot at all," he said slowly. </p><p> </p><p>"And you came into my work to, what, taunt me?"</p><p> </p><p>He shook his head. "I walked in thinking I was going to apologize and then you were so angry I just couldn't."</p><p> </p><p>You scoffed. "Making a fool of myself last night hasn't made me any less angry." </p><p> </p><p>"I didn't expect it to. I just-- do you hear what I'm saying?"</p><p> </p><p>You shifted in your spot, pulling the black t-shirt to cover more of your legs. You couldn't help but feel the tug of affection for him in your chest. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, I do, and I accept your apology. I wish it would have come sooner, but that's okay. Thanks for saying all that," you said quietly. </p><p> </p><p>You felt satisfied. It wasn't grand or impressive, it was certainly one of the more dull apologies you'd ever received. But coming from Kylo? It was enough. </p><p> </p><p>Everything was completely still, both of you too afraid to move, until eventually Kylo straightened his posture and stepped in front of you. His eyes looked extra light in the morning and his lips were plush and pressed together, thinking. All you could do was breathe and stare at him, savoring the fact the he had just bared his soul to you. At least, the Kylo version of bearing your soul. </p><p> </p><p>His next words made relief flood your chest. "I want to continue our arrangement." </p><p> </p><p>Deep down, you knew you shouldn't. You knew that an arrangement with him was not something that would ever end well. At some point it would be over and then you'd have to pick up the pieces of your heart all over again. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't understand why you don't just find someone new. Wouldn't it be easier to start a new arrangement with someone else? I didn't even think you liked me all that much," you prodded, looking for further affirmation. </p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath and leaned his palms against the counter on either side of you, staring at your lap with his hair hanging around his face, blocking your view. </p><p> </p><p>"I think, out of all the arrangements I've had, this has been my favorite."</p><p> </p><p>If a sentence could cure a broken heart, it was that one. Finally, a glimpse of his adoration for you, proof that you weren't insane for feeling whatever you felt. You couldn't resist smiling and squeezing your eyes shut, relishing his words, taking advantage of the fact that he wasn't looking at you. You licked your lips and forced your face back into a polite expression. </p><p> </p><p>"You can't snap at me anymore," you said. "At least not when I haven't actually said anything wrong."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded. </p><p> </p><p>"Then okay."</p><p> </p><p>He looked up and you tried to hide your smile, but you knew it was obvious how delighted you felt. Your skin was buzzing with content. And though his expression was blank, you could see in his eyes that he was pleased. </p><p> </p><p>"Good," he said. </p><p> </p><p>"Good," you repeated. </p><p> </p><p>He leaned forward to kiss you, and you flinched away, clasping your hand over your mouth. </p><p> </p><p>"I just threw up for like twenty minutes," you mumbled quickly into your palm. </p><p> </p><p>The corners of his mouth pulled upward for just a moment, barely enough for you to even catch, and he nodded. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stared at your lap, completely unmoving, and you could only assume that he was thinking of something deeply. Seconds passed, and you held your breath waiting for something, anything. </p><p> </p><p>You weren't prepared for what came. Kylo leaned forward and wrapped his arms around your hips, burying his face in the crook of your neck. He pulled you forward until your body was pressed against him, and affectionate warmth invaded your chest. You froze with wide eyes trying to process his gesture. But it was only a moment before you returned it and wrapped your arms around his neck, breathing in the smell of his shampoo. </p><p> </p><p>You weren't sure how long you stayed like that, pressed against each other. It must have been minutes, but you barely noticed. You could feel his chest move slightly every time he inhaled, and you could feel his breath on your collarbone. His hair was tickling your jaw, and you ran your fingers through it, missing the way his silky curls felt on your skin. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry too," you said softly.</p><p> </p><p>He didn't move. "For what?"</p><p> </p><p>His voice was muffled against your throat and your heart burst at the sound. </p><p> </p><p>"I should have been more honest from the start instead of unloading it all at one time."</p><p> </p><p>He didn't answer, just continued resting on your shoulder. It made you think that he was enjoying just holding you, and the thought could almost make you cry. You allowed yourself to feel happy about it, even if it still wasn't real the way you wanted it to be. </p><p> </p><p>Eventually, he untangled himself from you and stood up with glossy eyes. He looked a little embarrassed which was somewhat satisfying, though unnecessary. </p><p> </p><p>"I, uh, have something for you," he announced, stepping back.</p><p> </p><p>You slid off the counter carefully, trying not to trigger the sickness that lingered in your stomach, and started to follow him into the bedroom. You had to walk so slowly to coddle your hangover that he kept glancing back with a frown. </p><p> </p><p>"If I walk any faster I'll puke," you explained and you could have swore he was hiding an amused grin. </p><p> </p><p>The light of the closet flickered on and you stood in the doorframe awkwardly, wondering what the fuck he could possibly be showing you. He looked so tall reaching towards the top shelves, pushing things aside, you couldn't help but admire his height and the bit of skin that showed between his hoodie and jeans. </p><p> </p><p>When he pulled down a Chanel shopping bag, your stomach twisted, which was not helpful due to your current state. You swallowed thickly, attempting to push away the bile in your throat. He handed it to you and you accepted it, holding the straps between your fingers. You didn't want to push the wrapping tissue aside and discover what stupidly expensive think he had gotten you, but you took a deep breath and did it anyway. </p><p> </p><p>The purse. The one you had begged him not to buy. You ran your fingers over the quilted fabric trimmed with gold. It was extra stunning now that it was in your hands, and technically, it was yours. Unable to find words, you stared at it, stomach knotted and nervous. </p><p> </p><p>And you realized you really were going to puke. </p><p> </p><p>You shoved the purse against his chest and rushed out of the closet and into the bathroom. You managed to make it to the toilet barely on time before your stomach emptied the water from earlier. You flushed and rinsed your mouth in the sink quickly, blinking away the water in your eyes. Kylo cleared his throat and you jumped. He was standing in the doorway with furrowed brows. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," you said, cheeks bright with mortification. Puking in front of him was certainly on the list of things you never wanted to experience. "I'm fine."</p><p> </p><p>You dried your hands and mouth and carefully sat on the floor, leaning against the cabinets. He was still holding the purse so you reached for it and held it in your lap, admiring it's details. Here's what you knew: In a way, him buying you this purse seemed mocking. After all, the purse had been mentioned in your fight, and the whole reason the fight started was because of his money and your guilt of taking his money. And now he had bought you an extremely expensive purse, 9k to be exact, and it happened to be a purse that had given you an anxiety attack. On the other hand, the look on his face didn't seem mocking at all. He was staring at you as if he really expected you to be pleased. The purse did hold some meaning. It wasn't a completely irrelevant, too extravagant gift. You had told him you would get it another time. And it was something he knew you liked. Kylo was never going to understand the way you felt about his money being spent on you. And yet, you would never understand how he could feel comfortable spending so much money on you. There was always going to be that gap, and maybe that was okay. </p><p> </p><p>"I really, really love it, and I'm so grateful that you remembered and bought it for me," you said slowly with a beaming smile. It was, after all, the most expensive gift you had ever received. </p><p> </p><p>He nodded. "Good."</p><p> </p><p>You blinked at it. A price tag of 9,000 flashing in your mind. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you thinking about the money?" he asked. </p><p> </p><p>You remembered what he had said at the casino, that he enjoyed seeing you afraid of his money. Your heart dropped. </p><p> </p><p>"Did you... want me to?"</p><p> </p><p>His eyes widened for a moment. "No, no. Uh, no. I just thought you'd like it."</p><p> </p><p>You let out the breath trapped in your lungs and gave him a relieved smile. </p><p> </p><p>"I do. I love it. Thank you."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded and his shoulders relaxed, which put you at ease. It was wrong, but you were glad to see that he had been nervous too. That meant it was genuine.</p><p> </p><p>"Should I... Maybe I should go so I don't throw up in your bathroom again," you said, keeping your gaze on the purse. </p><p> </p><p>"You might throw up on the way home."</p><p> </p><p>You hid a smile. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, that's true," you replied.</p><p> </p><p>"Better here than in the Porsche."</p><p> </p><p>You pressed your fingers against your mouth and laughed. Funny Kylo. That was your new favorite version of him. </p><p> </p><p>"Then I'll stay. If that's alright."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm gonna get cleaned up then." You gently pushed yourself to stand. "Oh, could I borrow another shirt? Uh, I feel kind of gross in this one now."</p><p> </p><p>He walked into the closet without hesitation and you leaned against the counter, waiting. You wanted to kiss him and much, much more, but you were still queasy. Accidentally throwing up during sex seemed like a very possible nightmare that you were not going to risk. But still, you wanted to feel close to him again. He handed you the t-shirt and you stared at it, thinking. </p><p> </p><p>"Is it okay if I take a shower?" you asked quietly. </p><p> </p><p>"Of course."</p><p> </p><p>"I still feel a little sick. Um, too sick to, you know, move too much." You gulped. "But you could join me if you wanted to. And if not, that's fine too. I'll be quick."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded and slid past you, shutting the door behind him. You leaned against the counter as he turned on the water and started to tug off his clothing. It was tempting to watch him. You desperately missed seeing his body, but you reminded yourself that puking during sex was worse than no sex. With that thought, you quickly slipped out of his shirt and into the glass walls to let the water rush over you. </p><p> </p><p>Showering platonically with Kylo was an interesting experience. You politely moved out of each other's way, switching spots to rinse and scrub. The thing that attracted your curiosity the most was that he would barely look at you. You wanted to flash him some shy smiles but his eyes were always focused on the wall or the water. It occurred to you as you rinsed away the soap lathered on your skin, that he was trying not to look at you because he didn't want to get turned on. You were naked after all. The thought was so amusing, it required great effort from you to not giggle through the rest of the time. You considered teasing him, forcing him to look somehow, but you weren't going to excite him and leave him hanging. No matter how fun you would have found it, you wouldn't torture him like that. </p><p> </p><p>It felt good to be clean. Kylo left the bathroom first with his towel tied around his waist and his hair still soaked. You brushed your teeth vigorously, making sure to scrub at your tongue. You hoped that he might kiss you despite your unattractive display of illness from earlier. </p><p> </p><p>You found Kylo outside in the freezing air in a new outfit --sweatpants and a black crewneck-- talking on the phone. You joined him and leaned against the balcony, enjoying how the city looked in the daytime. Thank god, it was cloudy, your eyes could not handle much light. </p><p> </p><p>There was a pack of cigarettes balancing on the railing, alongside a lighter. He must have came out here to smoke, you realized. It worried you for a second, wondering what stressful occasion had permitted it this time. You pulled a cigarette from the box and held it between your lips as you lit it. He glanced at you with a frown as you breathed in smoke. </p><p> </p><p>"It might make you sick," he warned lowly.</p><p> </p><p>"It might make me feel better." You shrugged. </p><p> </p><p>You held it towards him and he accepted it, taking a draw while the person on the opposite end of the phone spoke, before handing it back. You stood in silence, other than the conversation of his phone call, and enjoyed the fact that you were here and he had apologized and it was okay. It was funny how you were sober now, and yet everything felt perfect the way it had when you were high. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, Kylo hung up and tucked his phone into his pocket. He lit a cigarette of his own. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you know how I ended up in your shirt?" you asked. Your mind was starting to sort through the events of last night.</p><p> </p><p>"I put it on you." </p><p> </p><p>Smoke curled through his lips and into the cool air. </p><p> </p><p>You frowned at the skyline. "Oh. Well....why?"</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled and you watched his jaw move as he spoke. "I came to check on you and you had taken off all your clothes."</p><p> </p><p>You covered your face quickly and mumbled, "Oh my god." </p><p> </p><p>He laughed again, full and deep. Maybe your favorite sound in the world. At least, right now.</p><p> </p><p>"That's so embarrassing," you grumbled behind your hands. You uncovered your face and took a draw. "All of last night was pretty embarrassing actually. I'm sorry you had to, like, babysit me. That was just... not ideal."</p><p> </p><p>He was grinning, and you captured the moment in your mind-- Kylo standing next to you with tired eyes and damp hair and his dimple visible on his cheek. </p><p> </p><p>"I thought it was pretty funny," he said, clearly amused. </p><p> </p><p>You cringed and made a 'eyck' sound, displaying your obvious embarrassment. "No it was just ugly."</p><p> </p><p>"You were having a really good time."</p><p> </p><p>You laughed. "Yes, I was. Oh god, I wish I didn't remember all of it."</p><p> </p><p>He was quiet and you could tell by the sudden line in his jaw that he was thinking, considering something. </p><p> </p><p>He opened his lips like he was going to speak but closed them, deciding against it. You didn't interrupt the silence in hopes that he would find the courage to say what he wanted to. But he didn't. Another time, you hoped. </p><p> </p><p>"Why did you call me in the first place?" you asked gently. You didn't want to interrogate him, but the question had been rolling through your mind. </p><p> </p><p>He took a long draw and looked at you with solemn eyes. "I thought I might get your voicemail."</p><p> </p><p>"What would you have said?"</p><p> </p><p>He licked his lips and tapped his cigarette against the ash tray. It always hurt a little to watch him struggle to talk. All you could think about was what must have happened to him to make honesty this difficult. </p><p> </p><p>"I would have asked you to come over in the morning."</p><p> </p><p>"To... apologize?"</p><p> </p><p>He nodded. </p><p> </p><p>"And give me the purse?"</p><p> </p><p>He nodded again.</p><p> </p><p>"Well then it all worked out I guess," you said, pushing the butt of your cigarette into the tray and abandoning it. "Sorry, I need to sit." The gross feeling was coming back. You crossed the tiles to sit on the outdoor couch and he followed you after putting out his own cigarette. </p><p> </p><p>With your legs tucked under you, you leaned your head against the back of the sofa and took deep breaths. The cushions shifted as he sat next to you. </p><p> </p><p>"You're so young, you know?" you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"Am I?"</p><p> </p><p>You peeked at him. He was already staring at you. It made your stomach flutter and you moved to lean your head against his chest. It reminded you of the first time you had came here. You had sat on this exact couch and felt his chest against your back, and you remembered liking that you were sitting so close to someone, feeling their body warmth. You felt that way now, except you weren't glad that it was someone, you were glad that it was Kylo. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, we're really not that far apart. I mean, we are, but we could be much, much farther."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm just saying," you took a deep breath. "At work you have to be older than you are, but with me, you could be young if you wanted to."</p><p> </p><p>"I'll keep that in mind."</p><p> </p><p>You smiled.</p><p> </p><p>"Good."</p><p> </p><p>There was a moment of silence, the trickling of the pool and the low rumbling of traffic the only sound echoing through the space. </p><p> </p><p>"How did your book turn out?"</p><p> </p><p>You laughed immediately. "It was nonsense. I mean, I managed to write like eight full pages but all of it is just terrible."</p><p> </p><p>You turned to see his reaction. He was smiling. You couldn't imagine anything better. </p><p> </p><p>He glanced at your lips and you pushed yourself up towards him. </p><p> </p><p>"I brushed my teeth. I promise," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>He didn't answer but that was okay because he pressed his lips against yours and time ceased. They were unimaginably soft and so familiar-- the shape, the warmth, the movement. He tasted like smoke and mended hearts. You had thought about his mouth every day, every hour, since you had thought it was over. You had been certain you'd never feel it again. But his tongue was pushing past your teeth and exploring your mouth like he had missed you too. Everything about it felt right. </p><p> </p><p>He pulled away and you instantly hid your face in the collar of his crewneck. You felt shy knowing that the sickness in your gut wouldn't let you go any further. There was guilt pulling at you. You had finally made up and you wouldn't even let him fuck you. </p><p> </p><p>His fingers on your back made you feel better. They traced light patterns over your skin. </p><p> </p><p>"Did you sleep last night?" you asked, voice muffled against the soft fabric.</p><p> </p><p>"Not at all. Did you?"</p><p> </p><p>"Barely."</p><p> </p><p>There was a bout of silence. You felt sort of brave. It was easy to be cocky when you knew he favored you. </p><p> </p><p>"We could try to sleep," you suggested quietly. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stood, pulling you with him, and took slow steps to the balcony door and through the living room. You shut the bedroom door behind yourself and climbed into the bed, pulling the sheets around you. Kylo turned off the lamp, blanketing the room in darkness and laid beside you, inches away. Your bodies didn't touch, somehow that hadn't changed, but you were closer than before. </p><p> </p><p>Everything felt as perfect as it had last night. For now. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. My Favorite</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You awoke to a tingling in your core and lips against your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you mumbled with heavy eyelids. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo hummed against your throat and you mixed your fingers into his hair, allowing yourself to relax and enjoy the warmth of his lips on your skin. </p><p> </p><p>"What time is it?" you whispered.</p><p> </p><p>"Four."</p><p> </p><p>"Did you sleep?"</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>You squirmed under him and reassessed your current condition. It was hard to ignore the sensation of his mouth, but you tried to focus on the status of your stomach. There was no lingering nausea or sickness, mostly like a product of your six hour nap, and you smiled to yourself. Finally. </p><p> </p><p>You wrapped both hands around his jaw and tugged gently until his eyes were level with yours. He looked freshly rested with pouty lips and a chaotic halo of hair framing his face. You combed your fingers through it to smooth down the rebellious pieces. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't feel sick anymore," you announced. </p><p> </p><p>He blinked at you.</p><p> </p><p>"Not even a little," you added, waiting for him to make a move. </p><p> </p><p>His mouth met yours instantly and you smirked against him, pleased to see that his eagerness matched yours. You opened your legs as he shifted himself to rest between them, letting his pelvis rest against your core. You bucked into him, desperate for friction and he groaned praise into your mouth, slowly rocking against you. A week and a half of built up tension was trapped inside you both, and you knew it wasn't going to take much for you to come undone. His hands traveled under your shirt, brushing up your waist, and you raised your arms, allowing him to slip it off and toss it to the side. </p><p> </p><p>His mouth instantly went to your chest, scattering wet kisses down your sternum and the skin of your tits. You threaded your fingers through his hair and tugged lightly, encouraging him along. He wrapped his lips around your nipple and ran his tongue over it, sucking lightly. With a shudder, you arched into him, tugging harder on his silky strands. </p><p> </p><p>"Can't believe you made me go a whole week without this," you mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>He let go of your nipple with a quiet popping sound and glared at you as he took it between his teeth and tugged gently. Still watching you, he repeated his actions on the other side, this time running his tongue over the hardened nub and enclosing it in his mouth. Your chest was falling deeply, your breaths growing quicker from his taunting eye contact. </p><p> </p><p>"You're blaming me then?" he whispered against your skin.</p><p> </p><p>You nodded and gulped. His teeth sunk harshly around your nipple and you whimpered, squirming beneath him. </p><p> </p><p>"Because as I see it--" His lips left your tit and moved slowly down your stomach. "--You didn't give me a chance when I came to see you at work," he said between kisses, staring at you intently.</p><p> </p><p>You pushed yourself onto your elbows to watch him. "Yes, I did. I-- " You gasped as his lips reached the hem of your panties and his tongue ran over the skin above the fabric. "I-fuck, I asked you if you had anything to say to me."</p><p> </p><p>He tugged at the hemline with his teeth, teasing you with smug eyes. "You would have been too angry to listen."</p><p> </p><p>His fingers hooked around the fabric on your hips and he pulled your panties down over your thighs and calves until he threw them onto the sheets. Kylo positioned himself over your cunt, peering at you daringly. </p><p> </p><p>"I would have listened," you defended yourself. Your core was ablaze and tingling, filled with the anticipation of having his mouth on you. </p><p> </p><p>He stalled by pressing damp kisses to your inner thighs, inches away from your entrance. "You told me-" His lips moved closer to your heat, nipping at the sensitive skin with his teeth. "-- to leave as soon as you saw me."</p><p> </p><p>Your chest was caving in and rising quickly with desperate, anxious breaths. "You told me to leave in the car a-after the casino," you managed to sputter. </p><p> </p><p>He ran his tongue up your slit, brushing your clit. You gasped and shifted your hips, silently urging him to continue, and he hovered over your cunt, hazel irises swallowing you whole. </p><p> </p><p>"You were talking too much," he announced before running his tongue over your core again, this time pushing against your entrance. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh god," you whimpered, taking a moment to watch him with your jaw propped open. "I'm allowed to talk as much as I-- fuck-- want to."</p><p> </p><p>He stroked his tongue over your clit, running up and down twice, before pausing to speak. "Is that so?"</p><p> </p><p>You held yourself up on one arm and used the other to grab his curls and press his mouth back onto you. "Yes," you moaned as his tongue returned to your slit, running over you and sucking on your nub at the end of each stroke. </p><p> </p><p>"Go ahead," he mumbled against your clit. "Talk."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped and tried to tear your focus away from the burning sensation between your legs. "I could tell you--" Your voice wavered and you squeezed your eyes closed. "You were trying not to look at me in the shower."</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm," he hummed, buzzing around your bud and making you jolt. </p><p> </p><p>You took a shallow breath and tried to continue. "If you looked at me--oh god," you whimpered as he slipped a finger through your entrance and pumped it into you slowly. "Fuck, you were going to get hard if y-you looked at me, right?"</p><p> </p><p>He was still watching you with satisfaction, relishing in your inability to speak without slurring and cursing. He nodded with his tongue against your clit.</p><p> </p><p>"One look at, fucking christ--" he sank another finger into you and curled the two against your walls, pulsing at your g-spot. You were panting shamelessly, struggling to speak through the bliss. "At my body and you would have needed to f-fuck me." You let yourself fall back onto the mattress, arching your back and leaning your head into the pillows. Warm pleasure was rolling through your core, and all you wanted to do was come. "Not that you deserved to," you added.</p><p> </p><p>Everything left you at once-- his mouth, his fingers, the pressure on your walls. You sat up with wide, angry eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"What the fuck?" you snapped. </p><p> </p><p>Your breath was stolen by his hand around your throat. He pressed you into the sheets as his fingers dug into your neck, hovering above you so closely that his nose was brushing yours. </p><p> </p><p>"Careful," he warned. His eyes were drilling into you, burning holes in your pupils. </p><p> </p><p>"Or what?" you taunted. "Maybe, I have more control than you think." You gagged at his tight grip and tried to suck in air. "I could leave right now, couldn't I?"</p><p> </p><p>"So could I," he replied, pulling your neck forward until you were hovering in the air. </p><p> </p><p>You blinked harshly, struggling to form words under his palm. "Then leave."</p><p> </p><p>He pushed his lips against yours in a gentle, mocking peck. </p><p> </p><p>"Getting a little cocky, are we?" he hummed. </p><p> </p><p>You smiled, as much of a smile as you could manage at least, and gagged. Now you really were straining to breath, and your chest began to sting from the lack of oxygen. You tapped the back of his hand with your fingers, but he didn't move. "Kylo," you managed to whisper and you tapped again. He took the message and loosened his grip, dropping you back onto the mattress.  </p><p> </p><p>You sucked in deep breaths and propped yourself up against the headboard. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, I'm getting cocky. Now that I know I'm your favorite," you breathed. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo pushed away from you and slipped his shirt over his head, moving next to the hem of his pants. </p><p> </p><p>"Then come here and prove it."</p><p> </p><p>You obeyed and crawled in front of him, waiting patiently as he uncovered his dick. He was incredibly hard already, lined with veins, and you gulped at the sight of his length. You would never get used to his size. You licked your lips, trying to conjure as much saliva as you could, and took his cock in your hands, pumping at his shaft as you ran your tongue over his head. His fingers wrapped themselves in your hair, and you glimpsed at him to find his lips parted and his chest taking shallow breaths. </p><p> </p><p>"No teasing," he demanded when he noticed your peeking. </p><p> </p><p>You smirked and nodded. You wrapped your mouth around his head first, sucking gently, before pushing the rest of him into your mouth. You couldn't take much, not yet at least, so you worked your hands over what couldn't fit. One hand left your hair and he pressed his thumb against the joint of your jaw, examining how wide it was being stretched. You bobbed up and down on his dick, trying to get deeper each time he sunk into your mouth. His tip was creeping into your throat and threatening your gag reflex, bringing tears to pool in the corners of your eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"You can do better than that," he groaned, pushing a loose strand of hair out of your face. </p><p> </p><p>You sucked in a breath from your nose and forced him deeper inside of you until he scraped the back wall of your throat. You closed your eyes, focusing on steadying the temptation to gag. You almost wished he would just do it himself--grab your hair and thrust into you. It would be easier that way, but you could tell he wanted you to do it, to prove yourself. To be fair, you had brought this upon yourself. You pushed yourself even deeper, nose almost hitting his pelvis and pulsed his tip against your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"That's my good girl," he panted, rubbing his thumb over your jaw. </p><p> </p><p>You gagged but continued to let his dick invade the space behind your tongue. You glanced at him through teary eyes. His cheeks were brighter and his jaw was hanging open slightly, brows furrowed with pleasure. His hand moved from your jaw to your throat and he tucked his palm as high on your neck as he could. After a few more thrusts, you realized he was feeling himself in the back of your throat and you pushed farther, ignited by his admiration of your work. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck," he whispered, squeezing your throat tighter.</p><p> </p><p>His hand in your hair pulled you off of him quickly and you sputtered and sucked in air, wiping your drool away.</p><p> </p><p>"That's why you're my favorite," he said staring down at you. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't even take the chance to be flattered, your jaw ached and you wanted him in you. Sliding backwards, you pushed your head against the pillow and spread your legs. You were ready to beg and plead, you didn't care what it took, you just needed his cock pressing against your walls. He looked amused and pushed his sweatpants off himself the rest of the way and settled his hips between yours. </p><p> </p><p>"Your turn," you whispered before his lips swallowed yours eagerly. His tongue slipped behind your teeth, exploring your mouth, and you moaned at the feeling of his cock rubbing against your slit. You pushed your hips upward to rub your cunt onto his length, coating it in your wetness. One hand pushed against your lower stomach, pinning your core to the bed and you braced yourself as he slid into you. </p><p> </p><p>A week without him, meant a week of your cunt growing forgetful of his length. It was a painful reminder now. Your entrance stung and you walls ached as he pushed into you, sparing you no grace period of gentle strokes. He was deep from the start, filling you completely until his pelvis met your clit. You whined and cursed, squeezing your eyes shut in an attempt to push past the pain. Your fingers found your clit and you rubbed slow circles into your bud, aiding the transition of agony to bliss. Once you were accustomed, you forced your hand away. You knew Kylo didn't like it when you did it yourself. </p><p> </p><p>His lips found your throat and he sucked at your pulse, running his tongue along your skin. His cock sent warm pressure through your core and you pushed your hips to meet him as best you could. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, Kylo," you moaned, cupping a hand around his jaw as he sucked at your neck. </p><p> </p><p>He pulled back to stare at your panting lips as he thrusted into you fully. "You still think you're in control?" he asked lowly. </p><p> </p><p>It took a moment to clear your throat of the desire lodged in it, but you decided to push your luck a little farther. "I don't know, I never did say you were <em>my</em>  favorite, did I?"</p><p> </p><p>He paused, dick lodged inside of you. "Flip over." </p><p> </p><p>He pulled out and you gulped, turning over and pushing yourself up to balance on all fours. Your legs were shaking and your cunt felt empty and needy. Even so, you were a little terrified. He grabbed your hips and pushed into you until his cock was pressed harshly against your walls. </p><p> </p><p>"Ow, oh god," you winced. If the last position was painful, this one was torture. You hung your head and whimpered as he pushed into you again and again. His hands pulled your core back to meet him and you could feel him in your gut, building pressure in your cunt. </p><p> </p><p>"You want to try that again?" he asked, his voice thick with pleasure and dominance. </p><p> </p><p>You pressed your lips together as his cock stroked your g-spot and you yelped, beginning to come undone. "I-I couldn't know if, oh god, if you were my f-favorite one because I have no one to compare you to."</p><p> </p><p>This seemed to piss him off, as you hoped it would, and you cried out when there was a flash of stinging pain on your ass. He slapped you again and pushed into you faster, skin slapping against yours. </p><p> </p><p>His hand found your jaw and he gripped the bone between his fingers, forcing your face to turn back to look at him. "You don't need a-- fuck, baby." His brow was furrowed and you could tell he was trying to not come. "-- a comparison. I would be your favorite."</p><p> </p><p>You stared into his darkening irises and tried to nod, despite his grip. "I know," you said. </p><p> </p><p>His grip abandoned your jaw and moved back to your hip, pulling you onto him. You tried to assist him by pushing yourself back, thrusting him deeper with each stroke. Your stomach was burning and your clit was desperate for attention. You snaked your hand between your legs, but he was faster. He slapped it away and reached around your torso to rub circles into your bud. You jolted and your arms gave in, letting your face fall onto the sheets. You whined profanity against the mattress as your orgasm tugged at you harshly. </p><p> </p><p>Euphoria spread through your cunt and legs, making your thighs shake and your walls clench around his cock. You whimpered and gasped as you came undone, clit burning under his touch. Kylo's fingers aided you through your bliss until you pushed them away, and you managed to push yourself back up, panting, legs numb and tingling. With a few more strokes, he came undone too, cursing loudly. His dick twitched inside of you and coated your walls with warm cum. Kylo stayed still to catch his breath and with one light playful slap to your ass, he pulled out and collapsed next to you.  You slid off the bed slowly and waddled to the bathroom. His cum dripped down your legs as you walked and you glanced back to find him watching you. </p><p> </p><p>"You're making a mess," he taunted. </p><p> </p><p>"Shut up," you snapped back. </p><p> </p><p>You cleaned yourself up quickly and peed. No UTI's were gonna happen under your watch, not when you had just gotten back with him. When you returned to the bedroom, Kylo was watching you with his arm folded under his head, and his breaths were steadier, his cheeks less flushed. You crawled onto the mattress and rested beside him contently. He hooked his hand around your waist and dragged you towards him until your chest was pressed against his. You tried to ignore the aching admiration under your lungs as you tucked your head under his chin and stared at his collarbones. </p><p> </p><p>"I like being your favorite," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>You could feel his jaw move as he spoke, "I should never have told you that. Now, you're gonna be a pain in the ass."</p><p> </p><p>You frowned. His voice was too neutral to detect if he was joking so you pulled away to look at his face. The corners of his mouth were barely pulling upwards, but enough to tell you his harsh words were teasing and not conniving, and his eyes were glossy and void of threat. </p><p> </p><p>"I was already a pain in the ass," you stated proudly, a grin settling it's way across your lips. </p><p> </p><p>His small smile grew. "This is true."</p><p> </p><p>You rolled your eyes and moved your face in front of him, asking for a kiss. He obliged and pressed his lips to yours with gentle, patient movements. </p><p> </p><p>"We should do Molly together some time," you mumbled, making him pull away. "I'd really love to see what you're like when you're rolling."</p><p> </p><p>He stared at you with amusement. You loved it when he looked at you like that, like you were something new and a little strange. </p><p> </p><p>"Hmm, that's never going to happen," he replied. </p><p> </p><p>You groaned and settled your face back into the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent. </p><p> </p><p>"Live a little," you grumbled. </p><p> </p><p>"No, thanks."</p><p> </p><p>You chuckled at his response and relaxed, pressing your hand against his chest to feel the steadier rise and fall of his breaths. You weren't sure how you were ever going to enjoy sex with someone else. You doubted you would ever be able to mock and banter with someone while their cock was inside of you, not like you could with Kylo at least. It was terrifying to be so addicted to him. Only now, you were starting to wonder if he was addicted to you too.  </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>"Honey, I'm home," you called sarcastically into the dark apartment, slipping out of your heels and dumping your things onto the kitchen counter. </p><p> </p><p>"Come here!" Ivy called back, and you followed her voice down the hall and into her bedroom. "Where the fuck have you been?" she asked with annoyed eyes.</p><p> </p><p>She was settled on the floor in front of her closet, puddles of clothes scattered around her. </p><p> </p><p>"What are you doing?" you frowned, and plopped down beside her. </p><p> </p><p>"Organizing my shit. I have way too many clothes but I can't get rid of any because I have an emotional attachment to fucking everything." She held up a strappy, gold bra. "My second sugar daddy bought me this because I let him walk me around his house on a leash." </p><p> </p><p>She stared at it with sentiment and you laughed, shaking your head. </p><p> </p><p>"Really, what was his name?"</p><p> </p><p>She blinked at the bra and ran her teeth over her lip. "Jim, I think."</p><p> </p><p>"His <em>last</em> name?"</p><p> </p><p>"Shut up, I don't know. He was nice, though."</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>"What happened with Kylo?"</p><p> </p><p>You didn't want to tell her. What Ivy thought mattered, even if it shouldn't have. She was smarter than you in a lot of ways. She knew when to go for something and when to back down. She always knew the line between pretend and reality. She knew how to say no to people and how to make them listen. She just knew more. Although, she didn't know Kylo, but she knew complicated, manipulating men. And that was close enough.</p><p> </p><p>You gulped and tried to look indifferent. "He picked me up last night, you know, 'cause I was wandering the streets high and alone. And then this morning he, um, he apologized for how he treated me and asked to continue our arrangement."</p><p> </p><p>Ivy's face fell and she froze, staring at you pointedly. "And?"</p><p> </p><p>"And I said yes."</p><p> </p><p>She sighed and tossed the gold bra into a random pile, picking up a pair of red-bottomed Louboutins. </p><p> </p><p>"He seemed sincere?" she asked. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded quickly. "I didn't go easy on him. I made him face everything he did and he didn't push back, really, so I think it was pretty real. Oh wait--" You stood quickly and scurried into the kitchen, snatching the purse off the counter. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy's jaw dropped as you returned to her room and handed it to her. </p><p> </p><p>"This thing has got to cost like--"</p><p> </p><p>"Nine thousand," you interrupted her. </p><p> </p><p>She scoffed and chuckled. "Getting you back is worth 9k. That's fucking crazy."</p><p> </p><p>"I know," you said, grinning and settling next to her again on the floor. "Are you, um--" You stared at the gold Chanel buckle on the purse. "--disappointed that I accepted his offer again."</p><p> </p><p>She took a deep, low breath and you braced yourself. </p><p> </p><p>"Nothing you do disappoints me," she started. "I worry, though, because it's all going to hurt all over again. As soon as you told me what happened after the casino, I though, <em>Oh god, why the fuck would I ever let her do this? Why would I let the purest, most selfless person I know be under the control of someone like him? </em>And I hate that I'm letting you do it again. I'm disappointed in myself, really."</p><p> </p><p>You leaned forward, forcing her to see the bewildered expression on your face. </p><p> </p><p>"I do stupid shit and that's not your burden to carry. It's mine."</p><p> </p><p>She shook her head, eyebrows slanted with guilt. </p><p> </p><p>"It's my responsibility to warn you when I think you're making a mistake," she said quietly. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you warning me now?"</p><p> </p><p>She nodded and your chest burned. </p><p> </p><p>"I think I might do it anyway."</p><p> </p><p>She gave you a faint, solemn smile. "I know, babe."</p><p> </p><p>You shifted your weight onto your hip and let yourself lower to the ground, resting your head in her lap. Ivy brushed the hair from your face and scratched her fake pastel nails along your scalp. </p><p> </p><p>"It's a terrible idea, isn't it?" you whispered, ignoring the stinging in your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"Probably," she answered softly. </p><p> </p><p>"He could surprise me, though. I mean, he hugged me today. Like just held me for, I don't know, several minutes."</p><p> </p><p>"After sex?"</p><p> </p><p>"No. After he apologized."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," she said. You could hear the surprise in her voice. "I thought he was an ass."</p><p> </p><p>"That's only sometimes. There are times when he's... sweet. Like genuinely sweet. It's like there's all these different versions of him."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm," she hummed, scratching the back of your head. "It's not impossible, but I don't want you to get your hopes up."</p><p> </p><p>"I know, I know. They're not."</p><p> </p><p>That was a lie. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Errands</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Stop looking at me like that," you said, glancing up from your plate to glare at Sophie pointedly. </p><p> </p><p>She shrugged and grabbed the platter of truffles, stabbing one with her fork and waving it around as she spoke. "You were so sad like five days ago and now you're all giddy, but I'm not going to forget what he did. I still think he's an ass."</p><p> </p><p>"It doesn't really matter what you think," you argued with raised eyebrows. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy and Rey glanced at each other across the dining table. It wasn't often that you found an excuse to come to Rey and Sophie's house. Their place wasn't too far away from yours, about twenty minutes, but without a car the commute proved to be tedious. Today was special however, because the Christmas party was in a week and Sophie wanted you all to critique her dessert options. It was a little silly. Desserts were desserts-- you were sure the guests wouldn't think twice about which treats she served or whether they were better or worse than another, but Sophie cared. She wanted everything about the party to be perfect as she did every year. </p><p> </p><p>"Personally, I think the brownies are better than the sugar cookies, and you definitely don't need both, Soph," Rey said in an attempt to pull the conversation away from your relationship. </p><p> </p><p>"I second that," Ivy chimed in with a mouth full of brownie. </p><p> </p><p>You pursed your lips together and Sophie stared at you, waiting for your commentary with squinted, daring eyes. </p><p> </p><p>You shrugged. "The brownie tastes better but the cookie is prettier."</p><p> </p><p>"You're pissing me off," she announced with a small smile. </p><p> </p><p>You tried your best not to return her grin. Sophie was practically your sister. You could scoff, roll your eyes, and say all the snotty comments you wanted, as could she, but you were never really going to hate each other. It was always shallow fighting filled with good intentions. "You're pissing me off," you rebutted. </p><p> </p><p>"Be supportive of the brownies."</p><p> </p><p>"Be supportive of Kylo."</p><p> </p><p>"He's shit."</p><p> </p><p>"So are the brownies."</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, cut it out," Rey chimed in, holding up her palms in a plea of surrender. "No fighting."</p><p> </p><p>You rolled your eyes and so did Sophie, covering her mouth with her pale purple nails to hide an amused smirk. </p><p> </p><p>"Why don't you bring him around us if he's not so bad?"  Sophie peeled the foil off a round, poorly decorated cake. "It's supposed to be a snowman," she explained, gesturing to the blurred glops of icing. </p><p> </p><p>"It's cute," you assured her, holding out your plate as she cut into the misshapen mound. "And I don't bring him around because it's an arrangement. I don't think I'm really supposed to force him to meet the family."</p><p> </p><p>"Then tell us more about him. You never say anything other than 'He's not an ass guys, he's just a misunderstood man-child with a huge dick '," she said in an insultingly high-pitched mocking of your voice. </p><p> </p><p>"Sophie! Fuck off, I've never said any of that," you exclaimed with wide, annoyed eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy threw her head back laughing and you caught sight of Rey squinting, trying to hold in a giggle. You ran your hand over your face to hide from their supply of humiliation. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know what to tell you about him, because even I don't know all that much. I only know how he is around me. I don't know his life story or anything," you argued, taking a bite of the cake. "It's actually pretty good."</p><p> </p><p>Sophie shrugged shyly. "Thanks."</p><p> </p><p>"We could look him up," Rey said, tapping her fork against her plate. "He's important enough that I'm sure there's stuff about him online, right?"</p><p> </p><p>"No," you sat up quickly. "We are not going to do that."</p><p> </p><p>Sophie pulled out her phone and you stood immediately, moving around the table. She pushed out of her chair and scurried away as you followed her and reached for the device. </p><p> </p><p>"Soph," you warned. </p><p> </p><p>"Relax," she said cheerily, pushing your hands away. "It's just a bit of fun."</p><p> </p><p>You snapped you arm towards the phone and she shrieked and stumbled away, jumping onto the gray sectional and holding a pillow in front of her stomach with one hand. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll just read the first thing that comes up and then that is it," she offered, panting. </p><p> </p><p>You pleaded at her with a desperate expression, but she ignored you as her eyes flickered over the screen. You would have preferred to explain your view of Kylo rather than read a half-assed attempt from someone on the internet. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo Ren is--"</p><p> </p><p>"Sophie!"</p><p> </p><p>"Shhh. It's fine." She continued reading: "'Kylo Ren is the Vice President of CorTech, thanks to his mentor relationship with the President, Snoke.' Okay that's boring, uh," she licked her lips as she scrolled, searching for something of better crowd value. "Blah, blah, blah. Oh, okay. 'Ren is described by an anonymous ex-employee as a cutthroat boss who places unrealistic expectations on his workers. From what it seems Kylo Ren is not a fair employer, but the success he has built for CorTech speaks volumes about his abilities and intelligence.'" She glanced up at you. </p><p> </p><p>You frowned. "I basically knew that already."</p><p> </p><p>"That was basically just saying he's a prick," Rey pointed out.</p><p> </p><p>You glared at her. "That was an unfair evaluation."</p><p> </p><p>Sophie was still peering at the phone, scrolling through the content of the article. </p><p> </p><p>"You said you were going to stop," you reminded her.</p><p> </p><p>"He's 31?," she asked with furrowed brows. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, so?"</p><p> </p><p>"I thought he was ancient." </p><p> </p><p>"No, oh my god. I've told you that before," you groaned. You were growing tired of this conversation.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh my god."</p><p> </p><p>"What?" you snapped immediately, anxiety squeezing  your chest.</p><p> </p><p>"It says his birthday is December 28th. That's so soon. Let's have a party for him."</p><p> </p><p>You snatched the phone from her grasp and she shouted complaints. You ignored her and scanned the screen. December 28th. That's what it said. </p><p> </p><p>You frowned. "I bet he wasn't even going to mention it," you whispered to yourself. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's make it a surprise party," Ivy suggested, chuckling. "We can invite every person he's ever pissed off. I'm sure Poe could make me a list."</p><p> </p><p>You handed Sophie her phone back with defeat and returned to your chair. "Okay, that's enough. Can we be done now?" you said, poking at the cake with your fork. </p><p> </p><p>Rey rose from her seat and made her way around the table, stopping behind you. She wrapped her arms around your neck and nuzzled her cheek against yours with teasing affection. The wool of her sweater was itchy, but she smelled like home. "Sorry, Bub."</p><p> </p><p>"No, it's okay," you squeezed her forearm assuringly. "I talked a lot of shit about him before, so I know it seems confusing, but I don't like making fun of him like this."</p><p> </p><p>She nodded against you and untangled herself. </p><p> </p><p>"That's fine," she said, sitting back in her seat with her knees tucked against her chest. "I like the cake, but I feel like cake is too much effort to eat. The truffles make more sense."</p><p> </p><p>"I agree," you added. </p><p> </p><p>Your phone chimed and you pulled it from your pocket. Speak of the devil. A text from Kylo:</p><p> </p><p>Can I pick you up?</p><p> </p><p>You smiled at the five words filling your screen. It wasn't a demand, it was a question. He never asked permission liked that. </p><p> </p><p>"Is that him?" Ivy asked. </p><p> </p><p>You glanced at her, typing your reply. "Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>Yes, but I'm at Rey's. It's kind of far. </p><p> </p><p>He answered immediately. </p><p> </p><p>Where?</p><p> </p><p>You sent him the address and ignored Sophie's questioning expression. </p><p> </p><p>Be there soon.</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo's picking me up," you announced. </p><p> </p><p>Rey groaned and Sophie's jaw dropped. </p><p> </p><p>"Now?" Sophie said with wide eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"Soon."</p><p> </p><p>"You haven't even tried the tiny caramel apples. I made them look like ornaments."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, I still have time. Give me a fucking caramel ornament."</p><p> </p><p>She smiled and popped the lid off of a container, passing it around. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't like that he just interrupts whatever you're doing and whisks you away," Sophie said, sticking the chocolate covered chunk of apple into her mouth. </p><p> </p><p>"That's what I said!" Rey exclaimed. </p><p> </p><p>"These are adorable," Ivy interrupted, gesturing to the half eaten ornament in her hand. </p><p> </p><p>"Thanks." Sophie blushed and picked up another. </p><p> </p><p>"Well if I didn't want him to come I would have told him not to."</p><p> </p><p>"And he would have listened?" Rey challenged. </p><p> </p><p>"I thought we were done attacking him for the day," you answered with a glare. </p><p> </p><p>Rey nodded, but Sophie shook her head, curls bouncing around her face. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm very excited to meet him," she said with squinted eyes.</p><p> </p><p>You spent the next twenty minutes with a knot in your stomach. You tried to give Sophie honest reviews on the desserts but every time you saw her peek out the window, checking for his black Porsche, the nerves in your stomach worsened. You were taking a bite of a chocolate covered pretzel made to look like a reindeer, when Ivy chuckled and pushed out of her chair. </p><p> </p><p>"The birthday boy is here," she announced. </p><p> </p><p>Rey smiled and gave you a sympathetic glance as Sophie burst out of her seat to peek between the blinds. </p><p> </p><p>"It's not like he's going to come to the door," you said, gathering your things--keys, phone, coat. What were you forgetting?</p><p> </p><p>"Really? 'Cause he's getting out," Ivy announced, backing away from the window with Sophie beside her. </p><p> </p><p>You slipped into your boots and tapped your fingers against your thigh. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't forget your scarf," Rey pointed to it's spot on your chair. </p><p> </p><p>You grabbed it quickly and glanced at the three of them, all smiling wickedly. </p><p> </p><p>"I swear to god if you--" you started, but his knock cut you off. "Best behavior," you hissed as you pulled the door open. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was wearing his typical black suit. His wavy dark hair was far more tamed than the last time you'd seen him, and the sight of him brought a flutter to your stomach. To you, the situation seemed awkward. It reminded you of having a prom date pick you up, and being embarrassed of your overly excited parents snapping photos in the background. To Kylo it must have felt like something else, because he looked perfectly unafraid. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you said shyly, stepping through the doorframe, trying to urge you both far, far away from the miscreants behind you. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey, Kylo," Ivy said blandly with a small wave. "Good to see you, as always."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded at her and you stepped past him, trying to hint at him to follow while you shot a glare at the trio. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey, I'm Sophie." She stepped forward and gave him a handshake, glancing at you with curious eyes. "I'm Rey's girlfriend."</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo Ren," he said politely. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, I know," Sophie said, smiling widely, too widely. "Why don't you come in?"</p><p> </p><p>Your jaw dropped but you picked it up quickly. "No, I think we're leaving," you said sternly. </p><p> </p><p>"I want Kylo to try a caramel apple ornament," she said sweetly. She turned her attention on him and motioned with her hands. "I use those little melon scoopers to make tiny spheres in the apples and then I do a layer of caramel and a layer of chocolate and then I use colored chocolate for-"</p><p> </p><p>"Sophie," you warned. "I'll see you at the party."</p><p> </p><p>You turned swiftly to strut through the grass, only turning back for a moment to mouth 'I love you' to Rey. She answered with a small smile and a 'sorry'.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo followed closely behind and you wondered if he had noticed how bright your cheeks were as you closed the Porsche door and buckled your seatbelt. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, they're embarrassing," you said shaking your head. </p><p> </p><p>"No, they're fine."</p><p> </p><p>You couldn't help but smile. Mostly because his hand brushed your thigh as he reached for the gear shift, and partly because he didn't look annoyed or bothered. He looked like calm and collected Kylo. Always confident. Never fazed. </p><p> </p><p>"Sophie is kind of overbearing at first but she's sweet. She just cares a lot," you explained, watching Rey's house grow smaller in the side mirror. </p><p> </p><p>"She seems fine."</p><p> </p><p>"Where are we going?"</p><p> </p><p>"I have a few errands to run," he said, glancing at you. </p><p> </p><p>"We're running errands?"</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>"Like grocery shopping?" you asked, unsure of what 'errands' entailed when it came to Kylo Ren.</p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>"Like drugs?"</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled and you took a mental photo of his dimples. </p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>He drove for a few minutes in silence, and you leaned into your seat to watch the snow gathered on the sidewalks. The blanket of white glittered in the setting sun, and Christmas lights were starting to flicker on, providing faint glows and the promise of admirable decoration for the nighttime. It was dumb, but you wished you could drive aimlessly to look at the lights with Kylo. Sometimes, you wished you could just do normal couple things even if you weren't a couple. You were pretty positive that was a one sided dream. </p><p> </p><p>You glanced at him now, hand on the steering wheel and eyes on the road. His jaw was soft and his shoulders were relaxed. You always enjoyed seeing him at ease, and you hoped that your presence was the source of it. The idea that you had some positive influence on his moods was highly appealing. From time to time it occurred to you that at this moment, you were a significant part of his life, and in the future he would remember these times and recall your name. You imagined that you lived in his brain, even if it was in a small way. The image of you riding him in the bathtub or holding him on the counter might pass through his mind when he doesn't even mean it to-- in the middle of a meeting or phone call, on his way to work. You liked that you may be with him even more than you knew. </p><p> </p><p>You frowned as he pulled in front of a small building with a sign that read Kuruk and Co. Law.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll only be a minute," he said.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you seeing a lawyer?" you asked, sitting up and pushing your hair behind your shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>"An old friend. I'll be right back."</p><p> </p><p>He was out of the car before you could ask any further intrusive questions. You distracted yourself with the radio, scrolling through the channels and glancing up every twenty seconds to see if he was back. Your mind wandered into curiosity, and you couldn't help but create obnoxious questions that you had no right to ask. He said he was seeing an old friend, but an old friend that was a lawyer? Kylo's life was far to mysterious to be that simple. </p><p> </p><p>He was a man of his word. He opened the Porsche door no more than five minutes after he left, but this time he had a folder in one hand. </p><p> </p><p>"What's that?" you asked, before you could scold yourself for prying. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo gave you an odd look and simply shook his head, hand on the gearshift. A silent correction was better than one of his usual snappy comments, so you took it as an improvement. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, I get ahead of myself sometimes," you mumbled, turning to look out the window. </p><p> </p><p>"I know," he answered. </p><p> </p><p>The Porsche stopped at the exit of the parking lot, and you were surprised when his fingers held your jaw. He turned your face towards him and kissed you gently with soft, slow lips and the familiar taste of mint. It only lasted a few seconds, and then he let go and focused back on the road. </p><p> </p><p>You sat in shock . He never kissed you randomly like that, except maybe after sex. Any other time, you were the one initiating it, asking for his lips, standing on your tiptoes and giving him hints. You blinked at the road in front of you and processed the fact that he had kissed you just because he wanted to, and maybe because he missed you. You hoped he had missed you. It made your chest warm and giddy, which was a dangerous reaction to have, but you relished in the feeling until he pulled onto a familiar street. </p><p> </p><p>"What are we doing here?" You asked, peeking at the road lined with shops. </p><p> </p><p>"You need a dress."</p><p> </p><p>"Why?"</p><p> </p><p>He pulled the Porsche in front of store with a sign reading Jovani. </p><p> </p><p>"CorTech has this terrible Christmas party every year," he said and got out of the car, not bothering to offer any further explanation.</p><p> </p><p>You scrambled out after him, tugging on his arm as he pushed through the doors. You opened your mouth to question him but the brightly lit store was so quiet you hesitated. Kylo snaked through the isles, glancing at different dresses and you trailed behind him, mind rambling. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"Hmm?"</p><p> </p><p>He stopped to examine a red floor-length dress. </p><p> </p><p>"Get your size in that," he requested calmly. </p><p> </p><p>You found your size quickly and draped it over your arm, taking long strides to catch up with him again. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you saying you want me to come to the party?" you asked, frowning at his tie in order to avoid his gaze. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes." He pointed to another red dress decorated with lace, and then across the isle to yet another red dress, this one strapless and tight. "Those too."</p><p> </p><p>You shuffled through the hangers, finding your size and adding them to the pile in your arms. </p><p> </p><p>"Why do you get to pick the dress?" you questioned, following him towards the dressing rooms in the back of the store. </p><p> </p><p>"Because I want to."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo sat on the pale pink sofa outside your fitting room as you slipped into his choices. You started with the lacy one, because you hated it the most. It was a brighter red, with darker lace covering the bodice and torso. The skirt was made of satin, but the tule underneath made it fluffy, too fluffy.</p><p> </p><p>"I have one on but I hate it," you called through the door. </p><p> </p><p>"You still have to show me," he answered blandly. </p><p> </p><p>You rolled your eyes. "Sounds like my fucking father," you mumbled as you opened the door. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stood and examined you. "I heard that."</p><p> </p><p>You chuckled and stepped in front of the large silver mirror at the end of the room. </p><p> </p><p>"I look like I'm going to prom," you mumbled, scrunching your nose at your reflection. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stood behind you and tilted his head. "Kind of."</p><p> </p><p>You sighed and stared at him through the glass. He was so handsome with his freckles and pouty lips. You would never be able to stare enough, never be able to truly imprint his beauty in your mind the way you wanted to. </p><p> </p><p>He caught your gaze with a confused crease in his brow. </p><p> </p><p>"Is it appropriate for me to come to a work party?" you asked, clearing your throat.</p><p> </p><p>"Why wouldn't it be?"</p><p> </p><p>"Well, 'cause this is an arrangement. That seems like--" You stopped yourself. You were about to say that seems like girlfriend stuff.   "I mean, it's just so public. I assumed these things were supposed to be discrete."</p><p> </p><p>"It is discrete. It's not like I'm going to announce you as--" He paused. "People can assume what they want, and I don't feel the need to correct them."</p><p> </p><p>You were grateful he had refrained from calling you his sugar baby. The title seemed too simple and strange now. You weren't sure what he meant people would assume-- that you were his sugar baby, or his girlfriend? Which one would he not feel the need to correct? You chewed on your cheek and nodded at him, reaching for your zipper and striding back into the fitting room. </p><p> </p><p>The next dress was satin with thin straps and a high slit. It made your curves look nice and your cleavage look elegantly sexy. You pushed the door open and stood in front of the mirror again. Kylo dragged his eyes along your figure and stepped forward to place his hands on your waist, running his fingers against the material. </p><p> </p><p>"You like this one?" you asked quietly, examining his blank expression. </p><p> </p><p>He nodded. </p><p> </p><p>"Me too," you agreed. "Unzip me?"</p><p> </p><p>The corners of his mouth pulled upwards and you smiled back with teasing eyes. Kylo dragged the zipper down your back and brushed his fingers along your spine. His hand slipped further inside your dress, fingertips skimming over your waist. You stepped back to press your body against him, and pressed his lips to your bare shoulder, sending a shiver through you. </p><p> </p><p>"No, we're in a hurry," he mumbled against your skin. </p><p> </p><p>"Are we?"</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm, I'm getting drinks with a client."</p><p> </p><p>You stepped away. "That's very social of you."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm social."</p><p> </p><p>"Sure," you retorted, opening the white fitting room door. You paused and leaned against the frame, bringing your thumb nail between your teeth.  "What are you doing for Christmas?"</p><p> </p><p>He stared at the spot where the hem of your dress kissed the floor, and rubbed his hand against his neck. "What do you mean?"</p><p> </p><p>Asking questions about Kylo's personal life was something you tried not to do too often. If he ever felt compelled to tell you, you would be eager to listen, but you never wanted to force him. Since Thanksgiving, however, you kept imagining his Christmases. Years of being alone without family. Years of not receiving gifts or special dinners. You always imagined him sitting at his desk working, with a plate of takeout beside him, a solemn, empty look on his face. The thought made your chest ache.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm just asking what are you doing on Christmas Day?"</p><p> </p><p>"Uh, working?"</p><p> </p><p>You squinted at him. "You're going to work on Christmas?"</p><p> </p><p>"Christmas is just a day." He looked visibly uncomfortable with the conversation-- shoulders frozen, eyes averted, lips pursed-- which made you equally unsettled.</p><p> </p><p>"It's a holiday," you stated quietly. You couldn't let him be alone. Partly out of pity, and partly out of your own selfish desire to spend time with him. It almost felt like you had found this lost baby bird and you had to introduce him to certain seemingly obvious things like respect and honesty and affection. And now Christmas. You swallowed away your nervousness, and pushed yourself to pronounce your next words carefully. "Why don't you come with me to Rey and Sophie's party?"</p><p> </p><p>He scoffed and scrunched his brows together. "You're not really supposed to invite me to things."</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged. "Well, I am."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not really a party person."</p><p> </p><p>"Say's the man who just invited me to a party."</p><p> </p><p>"That's for work," he argued. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay, and this is for fun, so it's better."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not going to intrude on your sister's party."</p><p> </p><p>You stepped forward, arms pressed against your chest to keep your dress from falling. "You wouldn't be intruding. People bring guests all the time and they always make it more fun. Everyone loves it. Rey would love it. Oh god, Sophie would especially love it."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo peered at your face with a tight jaw, wheels turning. You tried to plead with your eyes. You wanted him to come. You wanted to see him in an environment where everyone was young and carefree. You wanted to see him be a normal guy-- a guy who goes to Christmas parties and has polite conversation with your sister and steals sips of your eggnog when you're not looking.</p><p> </p><p>"I could spend the night afterwards. I'll give you a Christmas present," you added with a hinting smile. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo's expression temporarily softened at your suggestive comment, but soon returned to it's stony stature. "It's a generous offer, but uh, I have to decline it."</p><p> </p><p>Your shoulders sunk and you pressed your lips together with disappointment. "That's okay, um, the invitation is always there if you want it," you mumbled with a reassuring nod, before slipping into the fitting room and letting the dress slide off your arms. </p><p> </p><p>At least you tried.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The next update will be later than normal because I'm moving!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Rich Men and Polite Smiles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I'm a little nervous."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo glanced at you, fingers wrapped around the steering wheel. He looked hot in his all black tux ensemble, hair neat and pushed back. His appearance didn't differ much from any normal day, except he was wearing a golden watch you'd never seen on him before. Maybe that was his idea of Christmas attire. </p><p> </p><p>"Why?"</p><p> </p><p>You adjusted the straps on your red satin dress, checking to see that your cleavage was properly covered. Walking into the CorTech Christmas party with a tit out seemed like a bad first impression.</p><p> </p><p>"Because I'm about to socialize with rich business men and I don't know if I'm going to be very good at it." </p><p> </p><p>He dropped his hand from the steering wheel and placed it over your thigh, an offer of comfort. Your skin tingled under his palm and you tried not to think about the last time he did that. That night hadn't gone well.</p><p> </p><p>"You socialize with me."</p><p> </p><p>You pressed your lips together in a small smile. "You're easy to socialize with because you just don't say much."</p><p> </p><p>He drew his brows together. "I talk."</p><p> </p><p>"Sometimes."</p><p> </p><p>"I have to talk more tonight because it's business, so you don't have to worry about carrying the conversations."</p><p> </p><p>"I wasn't saying that I carry our conversations."</p><p> </p><p>"Right." He glanced at you with a glint of humor in his eyes. He looked so stunning, almost regal with his black attire and shiny watch. You let your mind wander into thinking about what he would do to you after the party, what he would do after he dragged you inside his room and unzipped your dress. You pressed your thighs together and stared at his hand on your leg. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't be nervous," he said, rubbing his thumb over your skin.</p><p> </p><p>You placed your hand over his and tugged on the side of his palm, pulling him closer to your core. He chuckled, low and deep, and obliged your silent begging by rubbing circles into your inner thigh, bringing warmth to your gut and sending tingles through your legs. You sighed contently and leaned your head against the seat, enjoying the satisfying feeling of his touch. </p><p> </p><p>His fingers moved down your leg, returning to their previous, less suggestive position. "You don't want to be late, do you?" he asked.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know, maybe I do."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo smirked and shook his head faintly, pulling his hand away and back to the leather covered wheel. Your skin felt somberly cold without the presence of his touch, and a lull of disappointment raced through your already tight chest. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't worry," he consoled you, as if he could read your thoughts. "Later."</p><p> </p><p>You tried to comfort yourself nerves with his earlier words. Surely, he wouldn't expect you to go around chatting with all his coworkers, being stupendously charming and interesting. Not that you couldn't do it. You just didn't want to put up with the snarky comments or looks from people who thought they were more important than you, though you would agree with them. You hadn't been offered the chance to see Kylo in a business setting other than the first night you saw him. Back then, he was extremely likable and though he didn't say much, he was still willing to place effort into interactions. Funny, how he no longer felt the need to exert his charm with you. You weren't sure if that was a good or bad thing. </p><p> </p><p>The office building was a high skyscraper made of dark glass that glowed with the reflection of the neighboring city lights. Walking through the marble-floored lobby and riding up the wide elevator all alone with Kylo, who looked utterly unbothered, was intimidating. Seeing a glimpse of the clean and impressive architecture certainly didn't help calm your nerves. How was it possible for Kylo to hate socializing and yet never seem anxious about it? </p><p> </p><p>You tapped your fingers against the side of your thigh. </p><p> </p><p>"Your nervousness is contagious," he said, glancing at your movement. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, sorry," you whispered, balling your hands into fists. "I'm not nervous, I'm fine. This will be fun."</p><p> </p><p>The elevator dinged and the doors slowly slid open. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo placed his hand across your lower back, and spoke lowly into your ear. "You're a terrible liar."</p><p> </p><p>The low-lit hallway in front of you was a disconcerting sight to be met with. You glanced back at him, and he nodded, pushing against your back, leading you down the length of beige marbled tiles. You could hear the low rumbling of conversation coming from a propped open set of wooden double doors. You took deep breaths as you approached it, stealing a peek at Kylo's calm expression, which was both unnerving and reassuring. </p><p> </p><p>The room in front of you was wide, the size reminded you of your high school gym, easily fitting the decent crowd of people without making the space seem claustrophobic. The floors matched the hallway-- shiny, tan slabs of marble-- and all the walls were white with the exception of the wall behind the bar, which was built of sandy gray stone bricks. There were an assortment of white-clothed tables towards the back, the middle space left open for conversation and dancing, though no one was obliging in the low swell of music. It was modestly decorated for Christmas--  trees with golden ornaments in each corner and wreaths hung behind the bar.</p><p> </p><p>"Let's get a drink," Kylo spoke into you ear again, and you walked beside him to the dim bar area, eyes scanning the room to sense if anyone had noticed Kylo's arrival or if they even cared. A few people lifted their eyes to take in his presence, but they looked back down at the floor or the drink in their hand and you wondered what kind of evening you had agreed to. </p><p> </p><p>"Old fashioned," Kylo said absentmindedly to the bartender, his forearm leaned against the wide slab of granite counter.</p><p> </p><p>"Me too," you requested with a polite smile. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo creased his brow at you, glancing over your head-to-toe appearance, which he hadn't been able to fully see in the confines of the passenger seat. </p><p> </p><p>"You'll hate it," he warned, more of a fact than a suggestion. </p><p> </p><p>You shrugged. "I'm going to slam it and then I'll get something more socially appropriate for a young lady, don't worry."</p><p> </p><p>"Wasn't."</p><p> </p><p>"Good."</p><p> </p><p>You pushed away the urge to feel annoyed. Now was not the time for bickering. You had endless conversations ahead for the next few hours and the only crutch you could lean on was the handsomely dressed man in front of you. Your nerves, though buzzing under your skin, were not going to ruin this night, this public event he had trusted you to attend. In a surrendering gesture, you reached forward and straightened his tie, running your fingers over the thick lining of his suit jacket. </p><p> </p><p>"You look really sexy," you said softly, low enough so that the few surrounding colleagues could not overhear. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stared down at you, a wall of stern confidence, and you felt the featherlight touch of his fingers grazing over the red satin covering your waist, his favorite signal of appraisal. </p><p> </p><p>"So do you," he said equally hushed, the rare compliment sending tingles through your chest and forcing you to forget about the cloud of anxiety surrounding you. </p><p> </p><p>You smiled at him shyly, flinching when the bartender interrupted the silence by placing your drinks in front of you. </p><p> </p><p>"Could I also get a glass of red?" you asked, fingers already gripping the round glass. "Just whatever you've got, I don't care," you added before specifics could be asked. </p><p> </p><p>With a tiny sigh, you brought the rim to your lips and poured half of the cup's contents straight down your throat. You pressed your lips together at the rich taste and coughed into your closed fist, ignoring Kylo's amused look. </p><p> </p><p>"Shut up, you were right." You held out the glass for him, scrunching your nose at the brown liquid. "You finish it."</p><p> </p><p>Accepting the glass from your grasp, Kylo mumbled, "Waste of good whiskey to shoot it," but he slipped it through his lips and down his throat in one gulp, showing no sign of displease at the flavor. </p><p> </p><p>Your wine was set in front of you and you muttered a thanks before swallowing a generous portion, desperate for it's calming buzz.</p><p> </p><p>"You're not going to get drunk tonight," Kylo said, more pleading than annoyed. </p><p> </p><p>You shook your head quickly, loose curls dragging across your chest. "No, no. Of course not."</p><p> </p><p>"Good."</p><p> </p><p>He took one last sip from his glass and straightened his stance, examining the room and stepping away. </p><p> </p><p>"No more stalling," he said over his shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>You matched his relaxed strides across the room, and downed another gulp of wine as he approached a circle of four strangers engaged in conversation. They immediately stopped and looked up at him. At first, you felt almost embarrassed. Shouldn't you socialize with people who were unoccupied rather than groups of people already huddled around? Their reaction ceased your worry. Three men and one woman, all nodded at him, a couple of them shaking his hand, one man muttering a "Ren, glad to see you here."</p><p> </p><p> You held your breath to witness Kylo's returned greeting. </p><p> </p><p>"Snoke thinks my presence raises morale, which shows how involved he is in the day to day," he said, one hand in his pocket, his other around his glass. </p><p> </p><p>Two of the men chuckled and the rest of the group just smiled, glancing at each other out of amusement or unease, you weren't sure. Either way the reaction was clearly poured from a place of respect. You tried not to grin too widely, though you were greatly entertained by his casual humor. His hand moved from his pocket to the low of your back and your lungs squeezed with the preparation of conversation. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo didn't use a title as he introduced you. Just your name. You hadn't expected anything else. You nodded politely, attempting to smile at the proper level and unsure of what you should say. It would be far easier to socialize with people your own age in less intimidating circumstances. </p><p> </p><p>"What do you do?" one man asked, his blonde hair gelled neatly to swoop to the side. </p><p> </p><p>For a moment, you were tempted to laugh. <em>The man you're clearly afraid of</em>, you wanted to reply. But you knew better, and paused for a second trying to decide if admitting to be a clerk at a dying stationary store was the answer Kylo would have hoped from you. </p><p> </p><p>Apparently not, because he cut in during the beat of your silence. "She's a writer."</p><p> </p><p>You tried to hide any shock from your expression but you managed to steal a suspicious glance at him. He was perfectly calm, though his jaw was sharp and his shoulders wide, keeping up the appearance of superiority. You smiled and nodded, and the strangers nodded too muttering things like, "Oh wow" and "How nice".</p><p> </p><p>"What do you write?" the woman asked, her sandy hair pulled into a sleek low bun and her tone warm and unthreatening. </p><p> </p><p>As your mind quickly reviewed your selection of possible answers, you realized something that made your spine straighten and the tension in your neck wash away. These people knew nothing of you. All the evidence they had to judge you with was the fact that you were clearly here with their wealthy, intimidating boss and you were in expensive attire, the gold bracelet shimmering on your wrist. Even Kylo didn't know much about your writing experience, or lack thereof. No one in this room could call bullshit on any embellishments you used to present yourself to be more appealing. </p><p> </p><p>"Fiction mostly," you said, the tightness of your chest replacing itself with pride. "The occasional opinion piece." Technically, that wasn't even a lie. You wrote them. They just weren't published. </p><p> </p><p>"That's fantastic. What are you working on now?" the woman asked, blinking at you. </p><p> </p><p>"A novel." You smiled, the words rolling off of your tongue without fear, without feeling as though someone might yell 'fraud!' and point at you with an outraged finger. Like Kylo said, you were a writer. "About a young boy's experience in foster care."</p><p> </p><p>That was all you intended to say, not wanting to drone on about yourself, but Kylo cut in with intense eyes peering down at the woman. "With the intent of revealing the faults of the system. Isn't that right?" He glanced down at you, the faintest smile ghosted on his lips. You couldn't tell if his expression was politeness for the sake of his employees or approval towards you. You hoped for the latter. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, yes, that's exactly it." </p><p> </p><p>A quick look at your audience's faces and you felt satisfied. Their eyes were switching between you and Kylo, nodding and muttering intrigued comments as if the two of you had communicated something of great importance. You hoped it was a form of surprise at his obvious support and interest in your writing, because that's how you felt-- giddily taken aback by his observation, especially since you couldn't recall explicitly explaining the purpose of your book to him. That was something he'd thought of on his own. </p><p> </p><p>As it turns out, you worried for nothing. He was a natural, which seemed odd at first considering how hard it was for him to converse with you on a usual basis. This was different. This was business. Everything he said was impersonal, but his charming tone and clever words made it easy to believe he was sharing wonderful opinions and anecdotes. He was being somewhat funny too, not bothering to throw out sarcasm and short quips that unfailingly elicited chuckles and grins from his varying audience. </p><p> </p><p>You made your way through the room side by side, going through an almost identical routine. Kylo would start with a relaxed, humorous comment that loosened the nerves of the group, then he would introduce you and you would perform the same conversation of him explaining the intent of your book. The strangers would nod and look impressed and then Kylo would say an arrangement of comments, being sure to have a short exchange with each person in the circle, before excusing you both and moving to the next group. </p><p> </p><p>The intricacy of his tactics wasn't lost on you. He was an expert of fake conversation and deceiving attention that made his employees feel special and heard, but in the end you knew he didn't really give a shit about them. It was all a ploy for power. You couldn't help but feel bothered by the fact that he didn't use his conversational charm on you. Not that you wanted to be the victim of his deceit, but it was more that you wondered why he wouldn't <em>want</em> to trick you-- why he wouldn't want to have that power over you?</p><p> </p><p>You were standing in front of five men, one of them obviously nervous judging by the way he kept wringing his hands, when you noticed a gorgeous familiar face across the room. Ivy was here. You beamed immediately, though you couldn't catch her eye. Of course she would be here with Poe. You hadn't asked her about it because you had been too afraid that she hadn't received an invite and you didn't wish to leave her offended and second guessing herself. Since she hadn't mentioned it to you either, you guessed she must have faced the same dilemma. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't want to interrupt the conversation but you could tell by the number of people and the length at which they were discussing each topic, that this exchange was nowhere near done. Two of the men were discussing something, a client or a deal or some other boring topic you hadn't bothered to register, and Kylo was listening surprisingly intently, hard gaze focused on them. Your fingers found the bottom of his sleeve and you tugged gently, trying to signal him without disturbing the bouts of speech. He glanced down at the feel of your tugging, and you parted your lips. He bent down to let you whisper into his hair, and you couldn't help but notice the familiar smell of his shampoo. </p><p> </p><p>"I just noticed Ivy is here. Could I say hello to her now?" you whispered as quietly as possible. </p><p> </p><p>He nodded without hesitation and you gave him a grateful smile before slipping away and striding across the room to where her and Poe were waiting at the bar. Ivy noticed your presence when you were halfway to her, and she straightened her spine, beaming with excited surprise. Poe saw you too, though he looked less ecstatic about your arrival, and he mumbled something to Ivy. She left his side, strolling towards you, almost skipping on her tall violet heels. </p><p> </p><p>"Is this why you avoided me all day?" she questioned while wrapping her arms around you in a short embrace. </p><p> </p><p>"I didn't know if you had been invited," you defended, stepping back to examine her attire. She wore a black floor length dress with long sheer sleeves and a low sloped neckline. </p><p> </p><p>"I wasn't sure either, especially with Kylo's--" She paused, searching for the right word. She settled on, "Confusing attitude." </p><p> </p><p>"Well I'm here, and jesus," you exclaimed, motioning to her ensemble, "You look hot."</p><p> </p><p>She rolled her eyes and giggled, copying your actions. "You look hotter."</p><p> </p><p>"Whatever." You positioned yourself beside her, both of you scanning your surroundings. "Tons of rich pricks, don't you think?" you muttered lowly, leaning to the side to speak into her ear. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know I just got here," she said with a shrug. "But there's no way I'm going to make it through this sober."</p><p> </p><p>You handed her your wine glass which she accepted gratefully, gulping down a generous sip.</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo is being so charming with everyone and it's bugging me." She lifted her eyebrows, signaling for you to go on. "He doesn't really bother to act like that with me."</p><p> </p><p>She took a long sip of crimson wine and squinted. "Don't you think that just means he's comfortable with you? Like he doesn't feel the need to pretend?"</p><p> </p><p> "Oh, I didn't think of it that way. That's actually nice." Her suggestion echoed through your mind for a moment, your thoughts flipping the idea over and examining it. "Wait, you just got here? You're like an hour late."</p><p> </p><p>She chuckled, cheeks full and blushed. "Poe, uh, thought I looked hot too I guess, but if you ask him we had 'car trouble'."</p><p> </p><p>"Ehck, spare me the details," you groaned, turning your neck to catch Poe watching you both, his gray suit buttoned around his stocky torso and his five o'clock shadow peeking through his jaw. He was handsome-- you had always thought so. It was one of the reasons you had decided to give this whole thing a shot, because you wouldn't have minded an arrangement with someone as wealthy and attractive as him. As it turns out, you were lucky enough to find a man that was even more so. "Is he good?"</p><p> </p><p>Her sly, dark eyes followed your gaze back to him. "Yes, actually. We have lots of, um, chemistry."</p><p> </p><p>"That's good. You might as well enjoy it."</p><p> </p><p>She just grinned, pleased by your recognition of her content. Guilt tugged at your gut. You never talked about her and Poe, it was always about you and Kylo. </p><p> </p><p>Before you could ask more invasive questions, Poe appeared at her side with a cocktail in hand. Ivy thanked him and returned your wine glass to your fingers. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi Poe, good to see you."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded politely. "You as well. I didn't realize you were going to be here."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, well, I was a little surprised too."</p><p> </p><p>As if you were all thinking the same thing, which was probably true, the group of you looked at Kylo still conversing with the group of men across the room, his stance strong and unafraid, a figure of authority that seemed to demand the room's attention. That man of power had brought you here, a broke young nobody, to show you off at a work party. You weren't oblivious to the strangeness of it. </p><p> </p><p>Poe made polite but entertaining conversation about the room and party, complaining about how long it usually lasted and how no one really wanted to come but they all did anyway, if only to kiss up to 'Ren'. </p><p> </p><p>From the corner of your eye you sensed movement, and saw Kylo crossing the room to you. You cleared your throat loudly which Poe thankfully caught and shut himself up. Kylo joined your circle, pressing his hand against your back. </p><p> </p><p>"Dameron."</p><p> </p><p>"Ren, always glad to see you at these events," Poe said politely.</p><p> </p><p>"I come out of my office from time to time," he said sarcastically. This version of him was absolutely enthralling to watch. </p><p> </p><p>Poe chuckled and you noticed even Ivy relax, her shoulders moving out of their tense posture. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey," she said with a small smile.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi, Ivy," Kylo said. "You look lovely."</p><p> </p><p>You blinked up at him. The way he said it was personable, so normal and casual and unthreatening, you wanted to wrap your arms around him and have him address you the same way. Like you were someone familiar and innocent. The fact that he had saved the tone for your closest friend made your chest a little warm, not with jealousy--god, you knew he would never dare to make an advance at her-- but with flattery, hoping that maybe he had acknowledged her significance in your life and chose to speak to her with casual kindness because of it. </p><p> </p><p>"They both do," Poe added, nodding his head towards you, causing your cheeks to flush. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes," Kylo agreed and he stared down at you, a hint of something in his gold irises-- fondness, you hoped. </p><p> </p><p>You blushed harder and Ivy flashed you a knowing smile. Kylo and Poe started to discuss topics of business and you and Ivy chewed on your cheeks, waiting for something entertaining. Eventually you started throwing stares at each other, speaking with your eyes, so often that you had to press your lips tightly together to contain the laughter bubbling in your throat. Finally, Kylo excused himself, you along with him, and Poe and Ivy retreated to another corner of the room, Ivy throwing you a wink over her shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>You were hoping for a moment alone with Kylo, a chance to express your thanks for his compliment, but you were interrupted by a young man, closer to your age than Kylo's, stepping in front of you. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey, Ren. Snoke force you to come to this thing again?" he said with a grin, reaching out to shake Kylo's hand. He didn't seem nearly as intimidated as the rest of the crowd, in fact, he looked genuinely glad to see him. </p><p> </p><p>"Vicrul. Yes, the same way I make you show up."</p><p> </p><p>The man laughed at that, his eyes glancing at you with arrogance. Kylo introduced you and you shook hands, smiling politely for the hundredth time in the last hour. </p><p> </p><p>"I believe we've met," he said with a smug smirk and taunting eyes. </p><p> </p><p>You frowned, taken aback by his claim and shook your head slowly. "Sorry, I don't, uh, recall."</p><p> </p><p>He pushed his sleeve up, flashing the skin of his arm in front of you. You could feel the blood drain from your face, the panic settling in the back of your throat, stomach twisting and eyes widening momentarily. Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. You did know him. You had kissed him only a week ago, you just hadn't recognized him without the sight of his abundant tattoos. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you whispered accidentally, gulping away the terror thick in the back of your mouth. "Sorry, yes I suppose we have met. Nice to see you." </p><p> </p><p>You thought of his lips, warm and soft, moving against yours under the flashing lights, the feel of his chest pressed against you, the ink covered skin of his arms under your fingers. At the time, the kiss had been perfect, but also at the time, everything had been perfect. Molly tended to have that effect. </p><p> </p><p>"How do you know each other?"</p><p> </p><p>You flinched at Kylo's voice, your nerves on edge, goosebumps raising on your arms. Maybe it was just cold in here, you couldn't even tell. Your skin felt heated and frigid all at once. </p><p> </p><p>"Just coincidence," you said before the familiar stranger, Vicrul apparently, could answer. "A mutual friend sort of thing."</p><p> </p><p>That was a lie, one that could easily be corrected by the young grinning man in front of you. He must have known better than to dangle your encounter in front of Kylo because he nodded, agreeing with your false statement. </p><p> </p><p>"Well, Vic is sort of my right hand man here," Kylo clarified. </p><p> </p><p>You gulped. Great. "Oh, that's nice." You did everything you could to avoid eye contact with either of the men. "Actually Kylo, I'm sorry," you said quietly, trying to keep Vicrul from catching your words. "I'm feeling a bit odd, do you mind if I go sit down?"</p><p> </p><p>Kylo's brows were drawn together and his eyes were narrowed. He was suspicious. It was obvious, plastered over his face in a hardened jaw and unsettled lips. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll come with you," he announced. "We'll talk later, Vic."</p><p> </p><p>He wrapped his fingers around your bicep, ushering you towards a table in the far corner of the room, secluded from the groups of chattering people. So secluded, with dim lighting and silence, that it made you nervous. He wouldn't dare to yell at you here, would he? Surely, it would not be worth the risk of his reputation. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," you mumbled as you sat down, your feet sighing with relief from the pressure of your too-tall heels. It felt good to relax your face too, your cheeks were getting sore from all the forced smiles. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo sat opposite you, facing his chair so that his body was open to you, and he tugged on the corner of your seat until you were fully facing him too. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you going to tell me the truth?"</p><p> </p><p>You swallowed harshly. Sitting down hadn't helped. You felt sicker than you had before, your stomach shifting with a mix of guilt and nerves. It had been an accident, obviously. He was understanding enough to pardon it, right? You didn't see the point in lying to him anyways. Better the truth came from your lips than from Vicrul's. You had one thing Vicrul didn't have-- a slight power over Kylo that rested between your legs. Well, you hoped Vicrul didn't have that. That was a thought you'd have to laugh at later--now was not the time. </p><p> </p><p>"Do I have to?" you asked quietly, though you knew the answer. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo nodded slowly. </p><p> </p><p>You took a deep breath and shifted in your seat, wishing there were people closer around you, a source of some sort of protection from his possible rage. </p><p> </p><p>"He was in a club, um, the club I was in that night I was high," you said quickly, hoping to spit the words out before they could bite you. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo blinked at you, gaze so intense you could barely meet it. Suddenly, he leaned back into his chair, hands clasped on his lap, and he grinned with beguiling amusement. </p><p> </p><p>"You kissed him."</p><p> </p><p>Your throat stung with fear and you nodded faintly, embarrassed. "I was high and it was an accident, if I knew he worked for you, fuck, I would have never dared to-- It really was an accident. I swear I had no clue--"</p><p> </p><p>"You look so guilty." </p><p> </p><p>Kylo didn't seem angry, not a glance of jealously on his features. He looked purely humored by the whole thing. Arrogance was pouring off of him in his relaxed posture and entertained grin. </p><p> </p><p>"I-I feel guilty. I feel weird. He's your employee and I--"</p><p> </p><p>"Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He leaned forward, placing both hands over your thighs, grasping your flesh between his fingers. </p><p> </p><p>You blinked at him, and straightened the straps of your dress. You remembered being in his room, wrapped in the silk sheets, high as hell, asking him to sit and talk, but the conversation was muddled in your memory. </p><p> </p><p>"It's a bit of a blur, but I'm sure it was embarrassing," you cringed. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo's large hands traveled upwards towards your core for the second time this evening, slipping under the high slit of your dress. A quick scan of your surroundings assured you that no one could possibly see you from their distance and angles. He spread his fingertips over the line of your lacy thong and you shuddered. </p><p> </p><p>"You said kissing me was better than kissing anyone else."</p><p> </p><p>His fingers brushed over your cunt, and you could only breathe and stare at him. That wasn't a statement you could easily react to. Firstly, it was embarrassing that you had been loudmouthed enough to tell him something so private and intimate. You wondered if he understood what meaning that sentence held, or if he assumed it was more about sex than affection. It was also relieving to see that he wasn't upset or furious. Forgiveness is what you wanted, and it seemed that forgiveness is what he was offering. </p><p> </p><p>"Did I?" you croaked. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm," he hummed, pressing his thumb to your clit. </p><p> </p><p>You jolted slightly, legs shuddering, before scolding yourself and forcing your face to remain neutral. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo leaned closer and you shifted forward, perching on the edge of the chair, anxious to hear him. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's go," he said lowly, though he remained in his seat.</p><p> </p><p>"Where?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'll show you my office."</p><p> </p><p>"Why?" you whispered. You knew the answer, but the warmth in your core wanted to hear him say it. </p><p> </p><p>His lips brushed your ear and you shivered. </p><p> </p><p>He whispered, quiet and husky, "I'm going to make you come on my desk."</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>@ XxxunsteadyxxX on Wattpad made a playlist for Lucky with specific songs for certain scenes and even quotes. It's super cool and she asked me to add some of my own song choices too! It's on her Wattpad if you're interested. <br/>Also you can follow me on twitter @adamsrat1 if you want!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Not This Time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After Kylo's inappropriate announcement, what happened next was purely immature. </p><p> </p><p>You stood from the seat quickly and scurried away, taking long strides in your heels, trying to walk as quickly as you could without drawing attention. Kylo followed closely behind you, crossing the center of the room until you were through the double doors. The hallway was empty and you quickened your pace, practically jogging, heels clicking loudly against the tiles. Kylo was faster than you. He reached the elevator first and punched the button. You giggled and panted as you waited for it's arrival. Kylo was breathing with parted lips too, the corners of his mouth pulled upward with the threat of a grin. As soon as the doors opened you were through them, and Kylo pressed another button. The metal slabs closed slowly, agonizingly slowly, and as soon as they were pressed together, so were you and him. </p><p> </p><p>His hands were gripping your waist, pushing you against him, and his lips were desperate, moving in needy harmony with your own. The taste of whiskey on his tongue and the feeling of his fingers digging into your skin was enough to propel the warmth in your core. Your arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer, and you moaned into his lips, satisfied from the friction of his body. </p><p> </p><p>The elevator dinged and Kylo broke away as the doors opened. He stepped out and you followed him through a gray carpeted lobby, into a long room of fancy cubicles. He was walking so fast, you were falling behind in your heels, but he noticed your struggle and grabbed your hand, dragging you behind him past the rows of desks. He stopped abruptly and you rammed into his back, grabbing his arm to steady yourself. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, sorry," you mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>He pushed open a door and yanked you through. His office was impressive, a large window behind a huge oak desk accompanied with a high back chair. There was a sofa in the corner, two white chairs positioned on the other side of the desk. There were shelves with impersonal knick knacks-- plants and paperweights and such. No photo frames or cheesy mugs. </p><p> </p><p>"You have a nice office," you said, following him to the desk, anticipation growing in your gut from his earlier promise. </p><p> </p><p>You expected him to throw you onto the oak surface and rip off your thong immediately, but instead he took a seat in his black desk chair, smugly leaning his head against the back. You cocked your head at him, deciphering his intention. </p><p> </p><p>"Come here."</p><p> </p><p>You obeyed and stepped forward until your legs were standing between his knees. </p><p> </p><p>"Hike up that pretty dress."</p><p> </p><p>You gathered the fabric between your fingers, ruffling it until the ends were in your grasp and the skirt was around your waist. The cool air raised goosebumps across your bare legs and you felt overly aware that your cunt was visible through the lace of your underwear. Kylo grazed his stare over your newly exposed skin, lust visible in his pupils. </p><p> </p><p>"Sit down."</p><p> </p><p>It took you a moment to understand, but once it clicked and you realized what he wanted, your heart thumped inside your chest, anxious for his offer. You settled yourself on his thigh, cunt already throbbing, and leaned forward to meet his lips. The frantic desperation from earlier had turned into controlled passion, slow but deep movements of your mouths. He gripped your hips harshly under his fingers, and pulled you forward slightly before pushing you backward, rolling your core against his thigh. Your clit burned with the friction from the firm muscle of his leg, and you whimpered against his lips. </p><p> </p><p>His tongue slipped past your teeth, meeting your own tongue and brushing against it softly. You tangled your hands in his hair and pressed your forearms against his shoulders to balance yourself as you ground against his thigh. The warmth in your cunt was growing, pressure building. </p><p> </p><p>"You want to come from riding daddy's thigh?" he mumbled into your mouth. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded quickly, nose brushing his cheek, and shifted your position slightly so that your clit was pressed more firmly against his muscle. You gasped into his mouth, bucking onto him, shuddering from the tingling sensation racking your thighs. Kylo's grip left your hips, allowing you to quicken your speed, and his fingers found the straps of your satin dress, tugging them off your shoulders and down your arms until your breasts were exposed to the air. You cradled his head in your palms as his face moved to your chest, lips leaving wet kisses over the skin of your tits. He tucked your nipple between his teeth and tugged gently before wrapping his lips around the hardened nub, sucking and sending more warmth into your center. You shivered, pulsing your core against him. You could feel the edge pulling closer, bliss growing stronger, causing your legs to shake. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck," you whimpered as he sucked at your nipple, running his tongue over the skin to soothe the rawness. "I'm close."</p><p> </p><p>"You have to tell daddy when you're about to come," Kylo mumbled against your breast. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded, throat thick with satisfaction and hidden moans. </p><p> </p><p>"No, say it," he demanded. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll tell daddy when I'm going to come," you repeated breathily, core rocking against his thigh, clit tingling and sensitive. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo returned his hands to your hips, helping you push and pulse against his muscles faster and rougher. His mouth continued to work at your nipples, sucking and nipping, leaving a trail of purple marks in it's wake. You moaned and shuddered, closing your legs around his thigh and clenching your cunt. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, I'm gonna come," you breathed, holding back whimpers as the pressure in your core spiked and the beginning of your orgasm tugged at you. </p><p> </p><p>But it was ripped away. Kylo stood quickly, pushing you off of him, and peering at you with humored eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"What the fuck?" you shouted, chest heaving, feeling suddenly empty and frustrated and completely desperate. </p><p> </p><p>"That's what happens when you swap spit with my employees," he said lowly, towering over you, a figure of dark dominance. </p><p> </p><p>You rubbed your thighs together. Your clit was aching from it's sudden let down, and your skin was warm and buzzing angrily. "It was an accident."</p><p> </p><p>"And now you won't make it again. Get on the desk."</p><p> </p><p>You were riddled with annoyance, your cunt burning with frustration, cheeks flushed with rejection, but you obeyed him anyway. Pushing aside a stack of papers, you lifted yourself onto the edge of the wooden surface, keeping your dress pooled around your waist so your cunt stayed available for him. For a moment, Kylo absorbed the sight of you, eyes flickering across your body-- bare thighs, the lace between your legs, exposed breasts rising quickly with shallow breaths-- and then he stepped forward and kneeled. </p><p> </p><p>The old nervousness of having Kylo's mouth on your cunt had dissolved by now-- he had already tasted you so many times that there was no point in being insecure. He pushed aside the fabric in his way, and dragged his tongue over your slit slowly. He licked up your wetness, pausing to push at your entrance, before reaching your clit and stroking it gently. You were already sensitive, clit tingling eagerly from the soft touch. You just wanted to come already-- your body was begging for it. You tangled your fingers in his hair and firmly pressed his mouth against your core, trying to keep him from denying you of an orgasm again. It was approaching easier this time, pressure building under your clit as he worked his tongue over your cunt, stopping occasionally to focus on your bud, stroking it with firm pressure. </p><p> </p><p>"What did you learn?" he mumbled against you, the vibration of his voice making your legs shake. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm not gonna kiss your fucking employees, I- I know," you managed to mutter with a loose jaw. </p><p> </p><p>"Good girl."</p><p> </p><p>He moved his lips to suck on your bud and you jolted, yelping from the pressure. His tongue stroked your clit as he sucked on it, and your jaw fell open, heading hanging back. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, fuck," you mumbled, trying not to squirm. "I'm close."</p><p> </p><p>He tugged at your clit with his teeth and you yanked at his hair, begging for more pressure. He obliged, sucking at your bud again harshly. You were panting, skin warm and chest rising quickly. Heat filled your cunt and you knew you were nearing your peak. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, god yes," you sighed. "I'm gonna come."</p><p> </p><p>Once again, you were denied the pleasure. </p><p> </p><p>"No!" you pleaded, as he pulled away and pressed his hands against your thighs as he stood. "No, please, please." You reached for his tie and tugged on it. "I learned, I learned my lesson."</p><p> </p><p>He stared down at you with dark irises. "Bend over this desk and I'll let you come."</p><p> </p><p>You slipped off the desk so quickly the edge scraped your thighs. You turned around and leaned over the ledge, chest pressed against the oak, hands grabbing at your skirt to keep it around your waist. Kylo's strong fingers clutched at your hips to squeeze the pillow of flesh and admire the sight of you. You heard the jingle of his belt and the rush of his zipper and whimpered when you felt the head of his cock, already hard and throbbing, graze against the folds of your cunt. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo exhaled with relief as his tip grew slick with your wetness, and you knew he was holding back, teasing you, even though he was desperate too. </p><p> </p><p>"Please," you whispered as a last resort. </p><p> </p><p>He held your hips as he pushed into you slowly, his cock stretching your entrance and filling the aching space of your cunt. His length pressed against your walls and you released a grateful moan at the familiar pressure. Kylo cursed under his breath as he pulled out and glided into you,  slow and controlled, which you didn't mind seeing as how your cunt always had to readjust to him. That's how he started-- a deliberately sluggish pace-- you could feel his dick graze your walls with each steady thrust, and you weren't shy in moaning to assure him you were accepting of his method. </p><p> </p><p>You could feel your own breath ricocheting off the wooden slab beneath you, and you could hear Kylo's leaving his chest. You tried to forget that anyone could technically walk in here-- you hadn't locked the door, had you?-- and that a few floors below you, there was a party happening and people were surely noticing Kylo's absence. In a way, it only pushed you farther as he filled you, knowing that you would return to the party and everyone would assume what you had been doing. His pace quickened slightly and he was pushing with more force, ramming into your gut, forcing muttered appraisals from your lips. </p><p> </p><p>"Everyone was impressed by you," he said breathily, moans held in his chest though they were almost detectable through his words. </p><p> </p><p>"No they weren't," you mumbled, the pleasure wrecking your ability to speak without slurring.</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck," He had to pause to collect the words and force them through his gritted teeth. "Yes, they were." He squeezed your hips extra hard, fingers digging into the pillow of fat. </p><p> </p><p>"It's just because I was with you. Oh, god, I can't have a conversation right now," you managed to push the words off your tongue with a pathetic whimper, and turned your neck to try to look at him. </p><p> </p><p>He gripped your jaw suddenly between harsh fingers, as you took in the sight of him. You could see his relief in the form of parted lips and glossy eyes that pierced through you. Sometimes you wondered if he started conversations during sex, just so that he wouldn't moan out loud. It was satisfying to know you supplied him that much pleasure. </p><p> </p><p>"No, it's because you were confident."</p><p> </p><p>The pressure in your core was building as his cock pushed against your walls steadily, pulsing against your g-spot. The edge of the table was pressing against your pelvis, a short distance from your begging clit. As soon as you got the idea, you acted upon it, pushing yourself only inches forward on the desk until your bud was pressed against the edge.  As Kylo thrusted into you, your clit rocked against the brim of the oak and you gasped, cursing loudly, though you doubted Kylo noticed what had changed. It was sharp, so sharp you knew you would regret your choice, but the satisfaction was so immediate and overwhelming, you kept yourself there.</p><p> </p><p>"I was only--" you started breathily, but you were cut off by your own loud, shameless moan as the pressure on your bud made your legs tremble. "Oh fuck, fuck, fuck," you whispered, before trying to continue. "Confident because I was with you." The last word was barely audible but you knew he caught it, because he pushed into you harder, slamming harshly through your entrance. </p><p> </p><p>The only thing he could manage to say was, "Good." You could hear his closeness in his voice, the strain in his lungs from holding back groans. </p><p> </p><p>The feeling of him piercing your stomach and the brash edge of the desk on your clit was too much-- not to mention, the denial of two orgasms that were angrily demanding release-- and you knew you were close. Heat was pulsing through your core, sharp and full. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm gonna come, no fuck never mind, I'm coming," you whined.</p><p> </p><p>"I know," he said with a low, focused tone, keeping his strokes deep and steady. </p><p> </p><p>You let your cheek press against the desk as you came and you could sense him watching you, reveling in the way your jaw fell open and your eyes squeezed shut. You yelped and moaned as your orgasm shook your legs, and poured bliss into your core. It dripped through your veins warmly and for a moment, you were suspended, no desk, no party, just pleasure. You cursed heavily, his dick pumping through you as you clenched around him. Even when you lowered from your peak, Kylo was still thumping into you sharply. Your skin hummed and your core buzzed with relief. You could hear Kylo's faint breaths and curses through your daze and in deciding to help aid his own release, you started pushing your hips back to meet him. He rewarded you with a small slap on the ass, though it felt far away. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, he twitched inside of you and his warm cum coated your walls as he finally caved into releasing a few short moans. He remained lodged in your cunt to catch his breath and leaned forward to kiss the exposed part of your neck, a lingering sign of approval. By the time he pulled out, your skin was no longer burning and your vision was clear, the fog in your mind evaporating. You pushed yourself up slowly, wincing at the soreness the wooden edge had left behind on your clit, and you leaned your palms against the surface. You could hear Kylo tucking himself away, readjusting his clothing and appearance. You did the same and let your skirt fall the the floor before smoothing your hands over your hair. </p><p> </p><p>You turned to face him with a small smile. "You know when I'm going to come?"</p><p> </p><p>He nodded slowly, studying your flushed cheeks and heavy eyelids. "You get tighter," he replied breathily.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." You raised your eyebrows and stepped forward to help him adjust his tie, wiggling and tugging on the knot. "I didn't know that."</p><p> </p><p>He leaned his face downwards towards you, and your heart fluttered at his signal. You kissed him gently, moving against his pillowy lips with lazy, fond movements. When you pulled back, his pupils were wide and staring at you and it took all your willpower not to say anything stupidly affectionate. </p><p> </p><p>"They're going to wonder where we went," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo shook his head. "I doubt anyone noticed."</p><p> </p><p>It was your turn to shake your head, surprised by his own obliviousness. "They're pretty afraid of you. I think they pay attention to whether you're around or not."</p><p> </p><p>"If they're afraid of me, they're afraid of you too."</p><p> </p><p>You smiled, unable to hide your devious satisfaction. "I know. I think I like it."</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>First, you made Kylo show you where the nearest bathroom was, right down the hall, because your panties were soaked and your inner thighs were damp and dripping. You cleaned up and adjusted your appearance, wiping away smudged eyeliner and using concealer from your purse to hide the red dots his fingers had left on your jaw. Even then, your eyes were still glossy, pupils foggy, and your hair was unruly, though you tried to tame it. The cheek that had been pressed against the desk was slightly more pink than the other. All to say, you looked properly fucked and you worried there was no way to hide it from the partygoers. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo didn't seem worried as you stood side by side in the elevator, his palm pressed against your back, but he didn't need to worry. His appearance looked the same as always, no puppy eyes or crimson cheeks. The only sign of his recent orgasm was his softened jaw and the looseness his shoulders held, but you assumed no one else would notice that. </p><p> </p><p>The party was the same as you left it, people gathered in conversation, except now there were a handful of people dancing in the middle of the room. This included Poe and Ivy. She was looking at him with soft eyes and a gentle smile, which made your heart flip. </p><p> </p><p>You followed Kylo to the bar, where you both ordered a new drink, having abandoned your previous glasses long ago. He was distracted, scanning the room for what colleague he needed to socialize with next. </p><p> </p><p>He must have spotted his target, because he snatched his drink from the counter and straightened his spine. "I have to talk to a client about specifics. It'll be boring. You can wait here."</p><p> </p><p>He didn't give you a chance to reply before he was working his way across the room, snaking through the circles of people. You sipped on your wine and leaned against the bar to watch Ivy and Poe glide across the dance floor. It was sweet to watch, even if it wasn't as genuine as it looked. You were faintly aware of someone standing next to you, ordering a drink from the bartender, but you didn't turn your neck until you recognized the voice. This fucker. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi there," Vicrul greeted, copying your relaxed position. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you said shortly, ignoring his gaze. </p><p> </p><p>"So you and Kylo, huh?" he asked.</p><p> </p><p>You nodded. It wasn't any of his business really. </p><p> </p><p>"Wish you had told me that before you kissed me," he added. </p><p> </p><p>You frowned immediately and snapped, "I didn't know who you were, and I wasn't sober for that."</p><p> </p><p>"That much was obvious," he retorted. </p><p> </p><p>You scoffed and took a sip of wine. You wanted to be frustrated with him though you didn't have much of a reason to. "Well, you're in luck because I'm sure Kylo would be wringing your neck if I hadn't explained that it was accident."</p><p> </p><p>"You told him?" he asked with raised eyebrows, clearly taken aback.</p><p> </p><p>"Not a fan of secrets," you mumbled against the glass rim. </p><p> </p><p>"He must have been a little irked."</p><p> </p><p>You shook your head smugly. </p><p> </p><p>"You have him wrapped around your finger pretty tightly then," he said, glancing at where Kylo stood across the room. </p><p> </p><p>It was a strange thing to hear from an almost-stranger. You almost found it humorous, considering that you were the one hooked. Kylo might have been slightly attached, but as you saw it, his fondness for you came from a purely sexual standpoint. If you left, the only part of him mourning your absence would be his dick. </p><p> </p><p>"Maybe," you sighed. </p><p> </p><p>"You wanna go outside, have a smoke?" Vicrul asked, straightening his posture and gesturing to the doors. </p><p> </p><p>"What? Go-- Oh, no thanks. I'm just waiting for Kylo. I couldn't-- Um, no sorry." You stuttered with furrowed brows. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, come on. If he wasn't mad, there's nothing to be afraid of."</p><p> </p><p>You couldn't exactly explain that he had just punished you upstairs. Going with him would be foolish, but then again Kylo had been so relaxed about the situation. Not even relaxed, he was entertained by it. He knew you were ridiculously devoted to him, and you doubted his confidence would truly waver if he saw you with Vic. He would be fine with it, wouldn't he? He never acted like the jealous type anyway. </p><p> </p><p>"I shouldn't go all the way outside. It will take too long," you argued. That much was true. It would take five minutes just to get down the elevator and all that time added up would mean Kylo would surely notice you missing. Sitting in a quiet space sounded nice though. You were bored of the bland conversations and you didn't really feel like standing alone.</p><p> </p><p>"We'll go in the stairwell." Vicrul reached behind the bar and snatched an empty glass.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't think you're supposed to do that."</p><p> </p><p>"It'll be fine, sweetheart."</p><p> </p><p>He stepped a few feet away before glancing back at you. </p><p> </p><p>"Coming?"</p><p> </p><p>Kylo was still chatting with the client, his shoulders squared, facing away from you. Surely he would be too distracted to notice if you left for less than ten minutes. One cigarette. One cigarette and then you'd be back. You nodded.</p><p> </p><p>The stairwell was at the end of the dim hallway, but it was a noticeable contrast to the rest of the building. The lights were bright fluorescents and it was just as plain and slightly grimy as any other less impressive building's stairwell would be. You sat on the edge of the first step leading downwards with the empty glass propped between you, both of you holding lit cigarettes that had been tucked away in Vicrul's suit jacket. </p><p> </p><p>"What were you on?" Vicrul asked suddenly, breaking the silence. </p><p> </p><p>"What?"</p><p> </p><p>"In the club, you were obviously on something."</p><p> </p><p>You blushed and cringed at the blurry memory. "Oh, um, MDMA."</p><p> </p><p>He whistled followed by a chuckle and tapped away ashes on the rim of the glass. "You're a partier then?"</p><p> </p><p>"No, no," you assured him. "I mean, well sometimes, but not usually like that."</p><p> </p><p>"What was the occasion then?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." You had tried not to think too much about the pain of that miserable week. The fight outside of the casino was a memory you were trying to tuck away. "Kylo and I just had a bit of a, um, break."</p><p> </p><p>"In your arrangement?"</p><p> </p><p>You flinched at his use of the word. You hadn't realized he knew that's what it was. </p><p> </p><p>You took a draw, scrunching your brows. "Yeah. Sorry, I-I guess I thought other people didn't catch on to the status of it."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sure most people don't, but I already knew he does this sort of thing," he said, smoke curling from his lips. </p><p> </p><p>"And do <em>you</em> do this sort of thing?"</p><p> </p><p>He nodded. "Not like him though. I usually only spend a few evenings with them before I move on. Cheaper that way."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, I see."</p><p> </p><p>You tried to ignore the odd way he was looking at you. </p><p> </p><p>"Have you um..." You started, unsure of what questions were appropriate. "Have you met any of his past arrangements?"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't do that," he warned.</p><p> </p><p>"Do what?" </p><p> </p><p>"Try to get jealous like that."</p><p> </p><p>"I wasn't I was just asking a question," you defended. </p><p> </p><p>"No you were looking for something to--"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't lecture me. I thought this was supposed to be fun," you interrupted him with an accusing stare. </p><p> </p><p>He chuckled and shook his head, orange embers glowing while he sucked in smoke. </p><p> </p><p>"You're bratty," he announced.</p><p> </p><p>You frowned deeply and made an annoyed 'Uhck'. "That's rude."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't worry, I like bratty."</p><p> </p><p>His gaze was intense, and you were stuck under it, heart hammering. He was attractive, you had to admit, and you tried not to think about his lips, though you had a feeling he was thinking about yours. </p><p> </p><p>You were saved from supplying an answer by the sound of the squeaky door opening. You dropped your cigarette into the glass and turned, expecting to see an annoyed event worker telling you off for smoking in the stairwell. </p><p> </p><p>You were shocked to find Kylo standing in the doorway, staring right at you, face stern.</p><p> </p><p>"Get up," he directed harshly.</p><p> </p><p>You immediately scrambled to your feet, cowering under his gaze, and stepped in front of him. He opened the door wider and you stepped through it, gulping and studying his face to try to determine his anger level. It wasn't looking good. His brow was slanted, his jaw tight, lips pursed. Your stomach tightened, anxious with the possibility of an argument. This time, you didn't have an excuse, although no betrayal had occurred. </p><p> </p><p>"Vic," Kylo said gruffly. </p><p> </p><p>Vicrul grabbed the makeshift ashtray, smashing the butt of his cigarette in it, and stood to face him. </p><p> </p><p>"I like her," Vicrul announced. </p><p> </p><p>His confidence was confusing. It seemed to you that he should be begging forgiveness right about now. </p><p> </p><p>"I think your time would be better spent networking at the party, don't you?" Kylo threatened, shoulders wide and alert with fury. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo turned swiftly, wrapping large fingers around your wrist, and yanked you behind him as he started down the hallway. You stumbled to keep up, tripping on your heels, and glanced back to find Vicrul following you calmly. Kylo paused and spun around halfway to the double doors, and you pressed a hand to his shoulder as you caught your balance. </p><p> </p><p>"I would advise that next time you don't lure away my guests," Kylo sneered, his grip on your wrist so tight, you worried it would bruise. </p><p> </p><p>Vicrul scoffed with a confused frown. "You're not usually afraid to share."</p><p> </p><p>"Share?" you cut in, not enjoying the way they were speaking about you as if you weren't there.</p><p> </p><p>Vicrul turned his eyes on you. You could tell he was feeling defensive, you could see it in his squared shoulders and flexed jaw. The tension in the air was thick and you wished you could shoo it away. This didn't need to be a big deal-- nothing had happened. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Vicrul said. "Kylo doesn't usually mind if our personal arrangements cross through the same lines."</p><p> </p><p>It was your turn to scoff. Vicrul lured you away to start something with you? "Hold on," you snapped. "I wasn't offering you my services."</p><p> </p><p>"Shh," Kylo hushed you suddenly.</p><p> </p><p>You glared at him, frustration rising in your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"C'mon, Ky, don't be greedy. What's the saying?-- Sharing is caring," Vicrul teased. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo peered at Vicrul, towering over him, stepping forward so that his shoulder was in front of yours, hiding you from Vic's sight. </p><p> </p><p>"Not this time," Kylo said sternly. </p><p> </p><p>Vicrul sighed and nodded, raising his palms in peaceful protest. "Alright. Okay, my mistake."</p><p> </p><p>You barely got the chance to register the whole encounter, before Kylo was dragging you down the hall and back into the event room. You passed through the small crowd of people dancing, and he stopped at an empty spot in front of a table. His words, <em>not this time</em>, were ringing through your skull. <em>Not this time. Not this time.</em> They made your chest warm. You knew what that meant or at least you thought you did. He favored you enough to want you for him, and only him. </p><p> </p><p>"Please let go," you whispered, lightly tapping his hold around your wrist. </p><p> </p><p>His grip disappeared and you shook your hand, trying to return the blood to your fingers, rubbing over the red lines where his grip had been too tight. You raised your arm to show him the damage he had done. He stared at it, blinking, and you couldn't tell whether he felt remorse or not. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you angry at me?" you asked nervously. "I shouldn't have gone with him, I know. I'm sorry, really. I got bored and I thought he was just being nice. I had no idea he was trying to start something."</p><p> </p><p>"I find it hard to believe you're that oblivious," Kylo answered. He looked less angry now, but he was still tense, spine straight and firm. </p><p> </p><p>"Maybe, I am. I'm new to this," you argued, though not harshly. "I would have denied him if he had actually gotten to the point of asking me."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo's gaze softened slightly as this remark. He took a deep breath, but didn't speak. </p><p> </p><p>"I really couldn't care less about him. I'm here with you," you continued in a hushed voice. "Don't be jealous. You're the one who made me come like twenty minutes ago. Plus, I came right to you when you told me to, and I didn't argue."</p><p> </p><p>"You're not to speak to him again."</p><p> </p><p>His expression was so serious your stomach churned, and you wanted to break his threatening eye contact.</p><p> </p><p>"I know. I won't. I shouldn't have in the first place. I'm sorry," you rambled quickly.</p><p> </p><p>"I mean it." His tone was harsh, and it reminded you of the night at the casino, how angry he had been.</p><p> </p><p>"I promise," you assured him nervously.</p><p> </p><p>With another wave of brooding silence, you examined the dance floor.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you wanna dance?" you whispered, gesturing shyly to the small cluster of swaying couples. </p><p> </p><p>"No." He furrowed his brow, surprised that you even asked. You were surprised too. You already knew that would be his answer.</p><p> </p><p>"You don't want to dance, you don't want to come to Rey's Christmas party, you don't want to smoke with me and Vicrul in the stairwell--" You paused, at the sight of his glare. "That last one was a joke," you assured him. "I just think you should have some fun."</p><p> </p><p>"I can't come to that party."</p><p> </p><p>"And why not?" you asked with pleading eyes. </p><p> </p><p>He considered his answer for a moment, scanning the room, his frustration fading. "I told you, I don't do parties."</p><p> </p><p>"It's not like a <em>party</em> party. Its more like a, uh, gathering maybe. We eat food and play games and talk and there's usually like twenty people or so. It's really relaxed. No one is going to talk about business or clients or what car you own. We all just laugh and hang out," you explained. </p><p> </p><p>His long silence gave you some hope, his lips moving slightly as he shifted his jaw. </p><p> </p><p>"Plus," you added. "I really hate the idea of you being alone on Christmas. If you don't want to come to the party, I could still come over afterwards or in the morning. Just text me. I really--" You sighed, annoyed at the fact that you had to be vulnerable with him right now. "I really want you there. Rey and Sophie would too."</p><p> </p><p>He still didn't answer.</p><p> </p><p>"Can you just say you'll think about it?"</p><p> </p><p>"If it makes you feel better," he said, finally. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you."</p><p> </p><p>You moved closer to him, your arm brushing his as you both examined the crowd around you. You gave up with being discrete, and linked your arm around his, pressing your fingers against his bicep. </p><p> </p><p>"I didn't mean to ruin the evening," you whispered guiltily. </p><p> </p><p>With a stubborn jaw, Kylo unthreaded your arms and wrapped his around your back, hooking his hand at your waist and tugging until you were pressed to the side of him. He let his hand rest on your stomach, and you leaned your head back against his chest, slightly surprised at his public display. </p><p> </p><p>"I would have been miserable all night without your company," he said into your ear lowly. </p><p> </p><p>Your heart fluttered and you tried to conceal your widening smile. He looked slightly uncomfortable at his own remark, blinking like he couldn't remember why he had decided to say it out loud. </p><p> </p><p>"Glad to be of service," you replied softly.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Christmas Eve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sophie worried for nothing. The party had barely begun, and already her desserts were receiving high praise. The little caramel apple ornaments were being consumed quickly, the stack of brownies already dwindling.</p><p> </p><p>You were doing your best to not think of Kylo. He had declined your invitation and that was okay. He was an adult and he could take care of himself-- if he had wanted to come he would be here. Still, the thought of him alone in his dark apartment on Christmas Eve was haunting your thoughts, and dimming your bright mood. Rey must have noticed, because she was attached at your hip since the start of the party, arm hooked around your side for the last twenty minutes. Kylo's loneliness may have dampened your mood, but it certainly wasn't ruining your evening. You weren't sure anything could.  All your favorite people were here. They were all Rey and Sophie's friends but they knew Rey's story, which in a way meant they knew yours too, and they had taken care of you for the past years you'd known them. They texted you on birthdays and gave you gift cards for Christmas. You'd receive random phone calls asking how you were, and you were greeted with tight bear hugs as soon as you entered the room. They were family. </p><p> </p><p>You were speaking to Gabe, Rey's close friend from one of her past odd jobs, when your phone buzzed. You ignored it at first, listening to his story of his last bad Hinge date, laughing when he announced that the girl turned out to be less single than he had assumed, but it kept buzzing in your back pocket. His story hit a lull and he gestured towards your jeans. </p><p> </p><p>"You can get that," he assured you, sipping on Sophie's favorited hot chocolate. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," you mumbled. "I don't know who's bothering me on Christmas Eve."</p><p> </p><p>Turns out, it was the one person you wanted to be bothered by. Kylo had sent three texts. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Can you come outside?</em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>It's freezing.</em> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Maybe I should leave?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>You gasped accidentally and excused yourself with wide eyes. You pulled your coat from the arm of the sofa and scurried across the living room, whipping the front door open and slamming it behind you. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was pacing along the sidewalk, his hand rubbing his neck in discomfort. He looked up at the sound of your sneakers squeaking against the packed snow. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you said plainly. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi."</p><p> </p><p>"What are you--What-- Are you okay?" you stuttered, unsure of which question to start with. </p><p> </p><p>"You said the invitation was always there. Is it, uh, too late? I can go."</p><p> </p><p>"No!" you said, embarrassingly eager. "No, no. Of course not. You came for the party?"</p><p> </p><p>He gave you a small nod and and glanced around as if he was starting to regret his decision. You felt desperate to prevent his doubt, though the wide smile on your face should have been enough to console him. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm glad, really glad, that you're here," you announced, scanning his outfit. In place of his usual suit or loungewear, he wore a pair of black jeans and a black crewneck sweater.  He looked so normal and casual it made your heart swell. "It's good you didn't wear a suit."</p><p> </p><p>He glanced at his own attire, as if he had forgotten what he was wearing and he rubbed his lips together. His obvious nervousness was both endearing and unsettling. You wondered if you should be anxious too. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's go inside then," you said, nodding towards the door. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo hesitated, but moved along the pathway, meeting you where you stood a few feet from the porch. You didn't budge quite yet, but instead reached out and pressed your hand against his arm. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't be so nervous," you said quietly, staring at his pursed lips. "You don't have to impress anyone in there. They're all broke late 20's. Just, uh, be you, you know? Not business man, just Kylo."</p><p> </p><p>He blinked at you and you noticed his jaw harden. Oh shit, you didn't mean to offend him.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, I know you don't need a pep talk," you added hastily. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo leaned down and kissed you, a pleasant surprise. His lips were warm compared to the dry, frigid air and you pressed your fingers against his cheek. The kiss was gentle and slow and lingering, and when he pulled away it almost seemed like he didn't want to. You grinned at him, not bothering to conceal your fondness.  </p><p> </p><p>Feeling brave now, you grabbed his hand and guided him to the door, taking a deep preparatory breath before pushing it open. You weren't sure what you expected--people to gasp and look up? But no one seemed to notice the new, six-plus-some foot tall new arrival who's large hand was clasped in yours. You paused to let Kylo survey his surroundings-- the decent but humble size of the house and the new groups of people engaged in conversation. </p><p> </p><p>The first person to notice him was Rey. Her eyes widened and she quickly excused herself from her conversation with one of Sophie's friends. You stepped forward, meeting her halfway and dropping Kylo's hand so as to not embarrass him.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi, Kylo," she said slowly, flickering her eyes between you and him. "We're glad you could make it, Sophie's going to be--"</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo!" Sophie's voice cut through and her blonde curls brushed Rey's face as she stepped forward to shake his hand. "Oh my god, the party is complete now. You dress down well. Oh, you've got to try some of the desserts, and meet some people of course. Don't get overwhelmed, there's a lot of faces but they're all good people."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, okay," you stepped in. "We're just gonna hang out, alright? Let's get the man a drink first."</p><p> </p><p>"Of course! Yes, there's eggnog on that table over there, spiked eggnog. It's good and it will really get you tipsy," Sophie rambled, staring excitedly at him.</p><p> </p><p>You glanced at Kylo's reaction, and you were surprised to find a smile. A small one, but still wide enough to show his dimples. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you, and, uh, thanks for having me," he said politely, always a gentleman.</p><p> </p><p>You reminded yourself of how young he was. How rare his wealth was for someone his age. He was still the oldest person at the party, but not by much. In a strange way, it made you want to cry. He deserved things like this-- spiked eggnog and awkward introductions in a place where he was fully welcomed. </p><p> </p><p>Sophie assured him that his presence had greatly improved the atmosphere, and then you shooed them away, giving Kylo a chance to recover from her eager greeting. He followed you to the table crowded with drinks and treats, and you poured two cups of eggnog, scanning his posture to check the status of his mood. He looked fine, a little antsy with his hands in his pockets, but overall at ease with relaxed shoulders and flickering eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"Here," you said, handing him the cup. "You might want to down that before the games. No one plays them sober."</p><p> </p><p>"I have to drive," he reminded you, taking a sip of the thick beverage. </p><p> </p><p>You shrugged and took a gulp of your own. "There's always Ubers. Just trust me. If you're buzzed you'll have more fun."</p><p> </p><p>In response to your suggestion, he downed half the cup and you grinned with amusement, and copied his actions. If he was going to be drunk, so were you. </p><p> </p><p>There were several huddles of guests conversing. Should you take him to meet people? You weren't sure what interest he could possibly have in socializing with Rey's friends, but then again he was the one who decided to show up. If you didn't drag him into conversations, you would both just stand alone, and that seemed so much worse. </p><p> </p><p>Thank god Gabe, lovely sweet Gabe, came to your rescue, spotting the two of you and worming his way through the crowd. He flashed you a curious smile and stuck his hand out toward Kylo. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi, I'm Gabe," he greeted warmly. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo," he replied shortly, but not unkindly. </p><p> </p><p>"You're here with..." Gabe trailed off pointing between the two of you. </p><p> </p><p>You just nodded shyly. You hoped Kylo would understand your desire for privacy about the situation. </p><p> </p><p>"I didn't realize you were seeing anyone-- that's great," Gabe said brightly. </p><p> </p><p>You opened your mouth to deny his assumption, but closed it quickly. What could you possibly say to correct him? '<em>No, sorry, he's actually just my sugar daddy</em>.' You glanced at Kylo with nervous eyes to find him already looking at you, waiting for your answer. You opted for shrugging, stomach cringing with embarrassment. You avoided Kylo's gaze as Gabe asked the typical questions and Kylo answered them politely, returning them when he could. You smiled and nodded through the conversation, unable to stop dwelling on the fact that you hadn't denied Gabe's assumption. Finally, after a few minutes of small talk, Gabe excused himself and you dropped your strained smile, instantly turning to Kylo. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, I didn't know what to say," you apologized quickly. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo nodded faintly. "I understand."</p><p> </p><p>His unbothered expression, relaxed lips and blinking eyes, settled your humiliation. Feeling a bit braver now, knowing that he wasn't overthinking things nearly as much as you were, you stepped forward and nodded at him to follow. The next half hour was spent socializing in different circles, introducing Kylo quickly so that no questions could be asked about his title. You didn't want to give anyone the chance to say--'And who's this, your boyfriend?'. </p><p> </p><p>He was natural, but in a new way. At first, his shoulders were squared, hands tucked in his pockets, hesitating to jump in on the discussions. As time passed, he became more acquainted with the group and was listening intently, nodding as people spoke and even chuckling along with the jokes. From time to time, he'd add an anecdote and everyone would hold onto his words, smiling and chuckling when he finished. He had that affect on people, you were learning-- something about the way he spoke made people feel like they needed to listen. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was tangled in a deep discussion about New York theatre with Ellie, a long time friend of Rey's and long time extra sister to you. You were watching them from across the room, admiring the way he was looking her in the eyes and smiling as she rambled about some off-Broadway 'masterpiece', when Rey nudged you in the side gently. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey," you said, barely glancing at her before returning your stare to Kylo's relaxed shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>"You were right," she announced. </p><p> </p><p>"About what?"</p><p> </p><p>"He's not bad."</p><p> </p><p>You looked to her now with grateful, glossy eyes, and nodded. "You like him?"</p><p> </p><p>Rey chuckled and leaned her head against yours. "He's being very charming with everyone. Like eight people have said something to me about how interesting and cool he is."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo must have felt your stares, because his eyes flickered to you, glancing between you and Rey and scrunching his brow. You couldn't bring yourself to be embarrassed, only gave him an amused grin, which he returned. You tried to capture the moment in your mind. </p><p> </p><p>"You're really hooked," she whispered. </p><p> </p><p>You hesitated, but nodded against her. You assumed it was obvious by now. </p><p> </p><p>"He might be hooked too," she added. </p><p> </p><p>"No," you whispered back. "I don't think so."</p><p> </p><p>"He came though," she argued. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't think he came for me. He was just lonely."</p><p> </p><p>"And he chose your sisters intimate Christmas party to cure that? Most guys go to strip clubs I'm pretty sure."</p><p> </p><p>You laughed, chest vibrating, skin warm and tingly from the alcohol. You didn't want to argue with her. Maybe entertaining the idea of his attachment wasn't so dangerous just for one night. </p><p> </p><p>Rey leaned away from you, straightening her spine. "Help me gather everybody for games," she directed. </p><p> </p><p>You obeyed her request, making your way around the room, interrupting conversations to alert everyone of the plan. Kylo found you at the dessert table refilling your eggnog. </p><p> </p><p>"Top me off?" he asked, holding out his cup. </p><p> </p><p>You smiled and filled his glass. "Everyone likes you."</p><p> </p><p>"Do they?"</p><p> </p><p>You nodded. "They think you're very charming."</p><p> </p><p>His irises looked golden in the yellow light of the room. "Maybe, I am."</p><p> </p><p>You laughed and started for the living room, everyone else already gathered on the couches and extra chairs. "Yes, you are."</p><p> </p><p>You paused behind the sofa and scanned the room. No empty seats. All the chairs from the table had been pulled up and were already occupied. People were perched on the arms of the couch and the brick ledge in front of the fireplace. You frowned and glanced at Kylo, who was making the same observation. You turned to whisper to him, but he was already moving around you. He plopped himself onto the carpet, leaning his back against the wall, and looking at you expectedly. You followed his actions and nestled next to him, letting your arm press against his. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"I think I can mange to sit on the floor for a night," he assured you.</p><p> </p><p>You had to conceal a grin. "I just wasn't sure if your joints were up for it. They start getting bad at your age, right?"</p><p> </p><p>He gave you an annoyed glance, which only made you chuckle and lean against him harder. Sophie appeared at the front of the room grinning. She announced the game: Charades. You glanced at Kylo knowingly. There was no way he was going to play. Sophie split the room into three teams based on the sections of seating and set a bowl of paper slips onto the wooden coffee table. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo mostly watched, mumbling an answer from time to time, but never going as far as to shout it out. You felt a little shy being rambunctious in front of him, but you pushed the fear away and contributed to your team's efforts as much as you could. By the time, it was your turn, you felt comfortable standing in front of the room, in front of Kylo, and plucking a piece of paper from the bowl. The card read: Driver's License, in Sophie's neat skinny handwriting. You motioned for the wheel and pretended to reach in your pocket, holding your fingers in front of you, trying to make a rectangle. Your teammates shouted answers, all of them wrong, their faces scrunched in confusion. Kylo looked amused at the fact that no one could seem to understand it as you tried again to motion through the words. You cocked your head at him, and he mouthed silently, 'Driver's License'. </p><p> </p><p>"Say it!" you pleaded, the rest of the team pausing their babbling to look at him. </p><p> </p><p>"Driver's License," he announced and you threw your hands up in celebration while everyone laughed. </p><p> </p><p>You stumbled, the effects of the eggnog making your legs unsteady, to your spot next to him. "You should have just said it!" you said breathily as you relaxed against the wall. Kylo just shrugged. </p><p> </p><p>The next team's turn began and you studied his face as he watched the ridiculous antics. He looked decently at ease, jaw soft and eyes lazily focused on the front of the room. Having him here, siting next to you on your sister's living room floor, was strange. It made your relationship feel like something it wasn't. He was being so pleasant and normal. The whole thing was actually pretty terrifying, but you were grateful he had showed up.</p><p> </p><p>Your team's turn came back around and you brought your knees to your chest while everyone waited for a volunteer. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll go."</p><p> </p><p>You blinked at him, you mouth slightly ajar. Kylo yanked on the hem of his black sweater as he stood, clearing his throat and picking a slip of paper from the bowl. You pushed your legs down and scooted forward, completely shocked and wanting to absorb every moment of his normality. He glanced up at you as he read the paper and you flashed him a genuine grin, which he returned with a shy tug of the corners of his mouth. </p><p> </p><p>Rey cleared her throat from a few feet away on the sofa and you looked to her to find her with raised eyebrows. 'He's hooked' she mouthed silently. You shrugged. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo slipped the paper in his pocket and Sophie started the timer, eagerly leaning forward to watch him. In fact, you noticed everyone seemed to be on high alert, excited to witness the new tall guy's turn. </p><p> </p><p>He pursed his lips, thinking for a moment, and then made a bowl with his hands. He set the 'bowl' down and reached for another imaginary object, holding it over the bowl and shaking it. </p><p> </p><p>"Salt? Pepper? Fuck," you shouted as he shook his head."Is it food?" He nodded.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey! No questions," Sophie warned.</p><p> </p><p>You frowned and blinked rapidly, anxious to be the one to guess. He glanced up at you and you squinted harder. Kylo huffed and motioned a rectangle, which he then again lifted over the bowl. And then you realized he was pouring it. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh!" you shouted, with your hands in front of you. "Cereal?"</p><p> </p><p>Kylo grinned and Rey gave him an approving, slightly sarcastic applause. He returned to his seat, and you pushed yourself against the wall again to nudge him in the ribs. </p><p> </p><p>"Nice job," you praised. </p><p> </p><p>"You too."</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't think you played games."</p><p> </p><p>"I can have fun sometimes too," he defended, though his tone was ironically apathetic. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded. "Good."</p><p> </p><p>He didn't volunteer again after that, but once seemed plenty for him. You started mumbling answers to each other as the other teams played, and during your turns he would say the answers more loudly, so that they could actually be heard by the room. </p><p> </p><p>Once everyone grew tired of charades, you moved onto the gift exchange. Kylo hadn't brought anything, which was fine of course since you hadn't told him. You tried to make sure no one made a big deal of it or tried to somehow change the game so that he could participate, since it would only embarrass him. When Ellie pointed it out, you announced that your gift doubled as Kylo's, and you would be playing the gift-swapping game as a team. You played by age-- oldest gets to pick a present first-- and everyone decided that you and Kylo could go first, even though you were technically the youngest. </p><p> </p><p>You picked a bright red box, and peeled the wrapping away, glancing occasionally at Kylo's neutral expression. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh god," you mumbled. "Who brought this?" </p><p> </p><p>You held up the cardboard box and everyone burst into laughter. It was a 500-piece puzzle of an explicit photo, clearly a gag gift, though you were sure most of them would be. Kylo was wearing a small, amused smile and you could tell that your cheeks were glowing with pink. You laughed along with scrunched eyes and an embarrassed hand covering your mouth. </p><p> </p><p>The swap continued, the next oldest person choosing a gift, and Kylo took the puzzle from your hands, nodding at the image on the front. </p><p> </p><p>"Great choice," he said. His voice was a little slurred, just barely, but enough for you to catch, and you were glad that the eggnog was providing him some warmth.</p><p> </p><p>You rolled your eyes and tugged it out of his grasp. "I wouldn't have picked it if I had known."</p><p> </p><p>The game continued and eventually, out of pity or actual jealousy, Hazel, an old coworker and current close friend of Rey's, chose to steal your gift. You gave it to her happily, glancing at the shrinking pile of unopened gifts in the center of the room and studying the already revealed options. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll take the coffin shaped pool float, please," you said, reaching your hands out. </p><p> </p><p>Gabe groaned and passed it across the room. "You don't even have a pool."</p><p> </p><p>"So?" you taunted. </p><p> </p><p>"I have a pool," Kylo added with a shrug. </p><p> </p><p>You looked at him quickly, blinking for a moment before smiling and nodding. "See, it's for Kylo." You put the box in his lap and scooted closer as he examined it. </p><p> </p><p>In the end, you ended up with the pool float. You worked around the room to look at other people gifts and laugh at the ridiculous ones, which was most of them. Kylo trailed behind you, offering a polite smile as you giggled with all the familiar faces. </p><p> </p><p>At some point, you ended up sitting on the sofa next to Kylo. He leaned his head against the back of the seat and you leaned yours against his shoulder, both of you exhausted from socializing. Plus, it was getting late, some of the guests already gathering their coats in preparation to leave. </p><p> </p><p>Ellie stepped in front of you and held out her arms. "I'm heading out," she announced. </p><p> </p><p>You stood and accepted her embrace, swaying together for a moment. </p><p> </p><p>"Good to meet you Kylo. I love running into fellow New Yorkers," she said warmly when she pulled away. </p><p> </p><p>He nodded. "You too."</p><p> </p><p>You squinted at him. He had never actually mentioned that he was from New York.</p><p> </p><p>"You're behaving, right? No partying? You party too much. Call me whenever, you know that," Ellie said, grabbing onto your hands.</p><p> </p><p>"I know, I know," you assured her.</p><p> </p><p>"Good. I love you, Merry Christmas." She squeezed your fingers and made her way to where Rey was standing to bid her goodbye too. </p><p> </p><p>You sat down again, but this time Kylo was alert and frowning slightly. </p><p> </p><p>"What?" you asked, scanning his face.</p><p> </p><p>"Nothing."</p><p> </p><p>The next twenty minutes were spent shooing people out, loads and loads of tight hugs and bidding's of 'Be good, kid. Don't get into trouble. Love you.' from Rey's friends. A few of them slipped you envelopes, which you already knew contained small sums of cash or gift cards for Outskirt Cafe. You thanked them and kissed their cheeks. You didn't have gifts to give in return, but they knew that, they expected it. It was no secret that you didn't have the means for generous gift giving.  </p><p> </p><p>"I should go," Kylo said, glancing at the handful of people still rooted in conversation with Rey and Sophie. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you drunk?" you asked, peering into his glossy eyes, half shielded with heavy eyelids. </p><p> </p><p>"Not very," he answered. </p><p> </p><p>"Well, you shouldn't drive."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded and pulled out of his phone.</p><p> </p><p>"Wait," you stopped him. "Just stay here. I'm spending the night in their guest room anyway."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo frowned and glanced between you and the two distracted hosts. He shook his head immediately. "I can't."</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, you can."</p><p> </p><p>"I've intruded enough."</p><p> </p><p>"You haven't intruded at all."</p><p> </p><p>He pulled his coat from a hook on the wall. "Thanks, but I'll just go."</p><p> </p><p>"Ky--" you started.</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo, you're leaving?" Sophie's voice made him pause, one arm shoved inside the coat sleeve.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, this was great. Thank you for having me," he said with a polite, but strained smile. </p><p> </p><p>"Wait, you could spend the night," Rey cut in. "You live pretty far don't you?"</p><p> </p><p>"Not really," he assured her. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, just stay. It's snowing out. You don't need to drive that far in the snow," Sophie insisted. </p><p> </p><p>He looked to you for confirmation. </p><p> </p><p>"I was already supposed to spend the night, so you're not putting anybody out," you said. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stared at the door, lips pursed with thought. </p><p> </p><p>"Come on, stay," you said quietly. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, after what felt like an agonizingly eternal pause of decision-making, he nodded.  </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>You slipped out of your jeans, folding them and plopping them onto the carpet next to your bag. Kylo stood on the other side of the bed, fingers at the hem of his sweater, pulling it over his head. It was strange to do this-- undress in the most unsexy way so that you could crawl into a bed that wasn't his, and sleep next to each other. His hair was extra tousled from an evening of combing his fingers through it, and his eyes were droopy with exhaustion. All of this felt so coupley, so domestic, so intimate in the strangest way. </p><p> </p><p>You pulled your arms out of your cream sweater, setting it atop your jeans, and slipped into the large t-shirt from your bag. If you had known you'd be spending the night next to Kylo you would have packed something a little nicer. It made you feel better to know that he didn't have anything with him at all but the clothes already on his body. He would have to sleep in only his briefs, which you certainly didn't mind.</p><p> </p><p>As he stripped down, you snatched your toothbrush and tube of toothpaste and crossed to the tiny bathroom. The guest room was nothing impressive, but at least the bathroom was connected. Sharing with Rey and Sophie would have been awkward. You shuffled through the contents of the cabinets until you found a new toothbrush, still in it's package. You wet your own and dabbed it with toothpaste, shoving it between your teeth and scrubbing. Kylo was folding his sweater when you peeked your head out and held the new toothbrush up for him to see. He nodded at it. </p><p> </p><p>It only took a moment for him to follow you, standing behind you at the sink, wetting his own brush and filling it with toothpaste. Brushing your teeth together felt too inexplicably intimate so you stared at the sink and tried not to think about how normal this would be if everything between you was real.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually, you felt compelled to glance at him, and when you did your heart sunk, muscles freezing. Because in his eyes, were tears. </p><p> </p><p>"What--" Frothy white liquid spilled from your lips, splashing your bare feet, and you spit into the sink quickly, pulling the toothbrush from your mouth to blink at him through the reflection of the mirror. "What's wrong?"</p><p> </p><p>His hazel irises were glossy, liquid brimming along his lash line. These weren't the kind of tears you got from yawning. They weren't tears of allergies or tired eyes--they were real tears, sad water trapped beneath his eyelids, threatening to spill. Your chest felt heavy, a sudden weight dropped onto your lungs. He shook his head sternly. His lips were pursed around the plastic handle of the toothbrush, and you wondered if he was afraid to speak, afraid that opening his mouth would make the tears falls. </p><p> </p><p>You could see your own pale face etched with worry in the reflection, slanted brows and scared eyes. But you focused on him. He refused to meet your gaze.</p><p> </p><p>"Did someone say something at the party?" you asked, voice dripping with distress.</p><p> </p><p>Another head shake. He was still moving his brush, but yours stayed clutched in your closed fist. </p><p> </p><p>"Did I say something?"</p><p> </p><p>Another faint, stubborn head shake, his eyes still averted. You weren't sure how the tears weren't falling. Maybe he was better at holding them than most. You were tempted to hug him, console him, kiss every curve of his face until his eyes were dry, but you knew he didn't want that. Affection that strong would only scare him away. </p><p> </p><p>"Did--" You paused. What else was there? This was a guessing game you weren't going to win. "Can you tell me what's wrong?"</p><p> </p><p>He didn't shake his head this time, but he finally looked at you, and your heart shattered. His sorrow felt like your own. The sight of his tears made your eyes sting. Whatever pain he held was piercing your own heart now. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo broke the stare, and leaned around you to spit in the sink. He set his toothbrush on the counter and stepped outside the door, closing it behind him. His movement was too fast and sudden for you to try to stop him.</p><p> </p><p>You weren't sure how long you stood there, frozen in place, heart breaking, mind reeling. You couldn't stop seeing the image of Kylo, his beautiful high cheekbones, all his usual strikingly intimidating good looks, broken up by those sad, glossy eyes. You finished cleaning your teeth with automatic movements as your thoughts rambled and screamed. You didn't know what had caused his sudden emotion. You didn't know what you could do to fix it either. You knew so little about everything-- his pain, his past, his needs, those high, impenetrable walls in his mind. You weren't sure you would be able to push past them, but mostly you didn't know how to begin to even try. </p><p> </p><p>You started with the obvious--leave the fucking bathroom. You pushed the door open slowly, cringing at the low squeak. Kylo had turned out the lights and he was already in bed, faced away from the door. You flipped the switch in the bathroom quickly, not wanting to disturb the darkness he was obviously wanting. You closed the door softly, and tiptoed to your side of the bed. Before you crawled onto the mattress, you peeled the oversized t-shirt over your head. If you were going to comfort him, you were going to do it naked. Somehow, that seemed right. He wouldn't shy away from your bare body, you felt sure of that. </p><p> </p><p>You lowered yourself onto the mattress cautiously. You didn't want to disturb or frustrate him with sudden movement or noise. You were facing each other now, though you couldn't see him through the darkness, and you worried that he would turn away. Once seconds had passed and he remained still, you shifted forward, fingertips skimming the pillows until you found his hair. You brushed through it and let your nails graze his scalp. Your heart fluttered when his fingers found your bare waist, running them over the curve of your side, resting at your hip. You took it as a sign of acceptance, and you scooted closer to him until you knew he was inches away. You could hear his quiet, steady breaths above your head, sense the heat of his skin close by. </p><p> </p><p>"Was it weird that everyone at the party was younger than you?" you whispered. You needed to start off somewhere easy, somewhere non-threatening. A simple question about the evening. </p><p> </p><p>"No," he answered under his breath.</p><p> </p><p>You were relieved. It didn't sound like he was crying. It was his normal voice, just more subdued. </p><p> </p><p>"That's good, sometimes I feel weird about being the youngest. I hope you had fun. I was really glad you were there." You tried extra hard to make your words soft and slow. </p><p> </p><p>"I had fun," he whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"That makes me really happy."</p><p> </p><p>His fingers dragged back over your waist, skating higher on your torso until he reached the underside of your breast. His thumb brushed over your nipple and you shivered. It felt important that you follow his direction, let this happen however he wanted it to happen. So you slid forward even closer until your body was pressed against him. His skin was warm and you breathed in his familiar scent.</p><p> </p><p>"Everyone really liked you. They all told Rey that they thought you were interesting, and attentive, and charming," you whispered, fingertips still pressed against his scalp. </p><p> </p><p>"I could tell all those people really love you."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you breathed. You weren't expecting that observation. "Yeah. We're like family. They treat me like a little sister."</p><p> </p><p>There was silence--long, thick, nerve-wracking silence. And then Kylo shifted, sliding downwards on the mattress and his cheek pressed against your breast. You expected to feel his mouth on your skin, but the sensation never came and you realized he was looking for comfort, not sex. You cradled his head in your palms, rubbing circles into his hair </p><p> </p><p>"If you told me what was wrong, I wouldn't badger you with questions or pity. I promise," you assured him softly.</p><p> </p><p>Silence. You could feel his eyelashes against your sensitive skin every time he blinked. </p><p> </p><p>"I think really highly of you in a lot of ways, you know?" you said. Maybe it was just the warmth of knowing that it was technically Christmas Day, or maybe you were just desperate for his vulnerability, either way you wanted to expose your admiration. Not all of it, god not even close to all of it, but surely just a glance couldn't hurt. "I've never met someone who works as hard as you do. And you're very generous with me. Like taking me to see Wicked, and buying that purse, and the laptop-- you didn't have to do things that thoughtful but you did, 'cause you're good at paying attention. You're better than me that way, I think. At the office party the other night, you made all your employees feel special just by the way you talked to them. It was really impressive. And you're never scared of stuff. I feel like I'm scared of everything."</p><p> </p><p>There was a bout of silence. </p><p> </p><p>"Was that weird to say?" you whispered, gulping nervously. </p><p> </p><p>"I haven't..." He started but trailed off and pressed his lips against your breast in a short, lingering kiss. </p><p> </p><p>"Go ahead," you encouraged gently. </p><p> </p><p>A few more seconds of stiff stillness and then: "I haven't spent Christmas with anyone in a long time."</p><p> </p><p>Your chest stung. You had to squeeze your eyes shut for a moment to process the painful stab of sympathy. You opened your lips to respond, but closed them, hoping maybe he would go on. </p><p> </p><p>He did. </p><p> </p><p>"All those people love you. They loved you enough to be kind to me. I can't even remember the last time I felt that welcomed somewhere."</p><p> </p><p>You had to press your lips together to keep yourself from saying something too pitying. His words made your eyes sting with the threat of tears. This is what you had suspected all along. He wasn't bad or cruel or harsh-- he was hurt. </p><p> </p><p>You pressed his cheek harder against your chest and wrapped your arms around his neck, letting your hands rest on his shoulder blades. You held him tightly and fully, as consuming as you could manage. You hoped your skin could communicate your sympathy to him. But for good measure you tried to use words too. "I wish I could go back in time. I would have invited you here every year."</p><p> </p><p>He didn't reply with words. He used what he knew--touch. He wrapped his arms around your waist, and flipped himself onto his back, pulling you to be sprawled on top of him, his face still buried in your chest. You grinned to yourself and settled your knees on either side of his torso, elbows slightly propped against the pillow to keep yourself from fully suffocating him. He reached up his hands and pushed on your biceps, forcing away your attempt at sparing him your full body weight. </p><p> </p><p>You laid like that for a while-- a few minutes, or many more, you weren't sure how long. At some point he peppered kisses across the flesh of your tits. It was more playful than enticing, and it made you giggle as your heart swelled. </p><p> </p><p>"Can you even breath?" you whispered into the still air. </p><p> </p><p>"No." His voice was muffled and you felt it vibrate through your chest. </p><p> </p><p>You chuckled and pushed yourself onto your palms, crawling off of him. As soon as you were laying on the mattress you found his body again and curled into him. </p><p> </p><p>"Can I give you your Christmas present tomorrow, since my sister is, you know, on the other side of that wall?" you mumbled into his shoulder shyly. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>Firm fingers gripped your jaw and pulled your chin upwards. His plush lips pressed against yours, warm and a little damp. You moved with him, mouths colliding in a slow, unconcerned pace. He pulled away, but you leaned forward quickly to leave one last peck on those pouty lips. </p><p> </p><p>"Merry Christmas," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>His fingers hooked around your sides and dragged you closer. His lips met your cheek once, again under your eye, on your nose, cheek again, then shortly on your lips. </p><p> </p><p>"Merry Christmas."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Patience</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When you woke up, you were no longer pressed against him. He must have left. Through the fog of your sleep, disappointment pierced your gut and you opened your eyes.</p><p> </p><p>But he was there. Inches away from you, his parted lips taking slow, gentle breaths, his face relaxed, closed eyes barely fluttering in his sleep. He looked perfectly peaceful, and you paused, breath caught in your lungs, staring at the snoozing boy in front of you. </p><p> </p><p>You creeped out of bed as slowly as possible and tiptoed into the bathroom. You brushed your teeth quickly and silently, glancing back occasionally to assure yourself he hadn't woken. When you were sure your breath was minty, you climbed back into bed and propped yourself on your elbow to lean over him. First, you placed a kiss on his jawline and watched his eyelids flinch slightly from the touch. You moved to his neck, pressing your lips over his steady pulse, sucking softly, not enough to leave a mark. Kylo groaned and shifted beneath you, and you continued your soft attack on his neck. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi."</p><p> </p><p>His voice was slurred, deep and hoarse from his slumber. </p><p> </p><p>"It's Christmas," you mumbled cheerily against his skin. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>His fingers gripped your jaw and he tugged your face away from his throat. His lips met yours and you smiled into the lazy kiss. </p><p> </p><p>"Breakfast!" Sophie's voice accompanied by a cheerful bang on the door made you flinch and groan. "It's already eleven!"</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck's sake," you mumbled before shouting. "Out in a minute!"  </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was staring at you with sleepy eyes and messy hair. There was a line across his cheek from where his pillowcase must have been creased beneath him all night. </p><p> </p><p>"What?" you asked, cocking your head when his gaze didn't cease. </p><p> </p><p>"Nothing."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, well," you mumbled, pulling your shirt from the floor and yanking it over your head. You perched on the edge of the mattress, feet planted on the carpet, and paused to look back at him.  "What do you want to do today?"</p><p> </p><p>He frowned at your question and studied your face as if he were looking for a hint of humor. </p><p> </p><p>"I was just going to go home," he said slowly. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't feel the need to cower under his stare as you usually did. His eyes were soft and curious. </p><p> </p><p>"Alone?" you asked, face screwed in equal confusion.</p><p> </p><p>"I just assumed..." He trailed off, and your face softened. </p><p> </p><p>He had assumed you would spend the day with your sister. He had assumed you would let him go home and be alone in his dim apartment. You shook your head gently, and crawled across the mattress, clambering over his legs and settling yourself to straddle his hips. </p><p> </p><p>"It's kind of funny, actually. I've been acting all horrified that you spend Christmas alone, but I guess technically I do it too. I usually spend the morning with Rey and Soph, but they're part of their own little family so I let them celebrate together the rest of the day. And then Ivy's at her parents house, 'cause hers are actually decent," you started to explain. </p><p> </p><p>"What do you usually do then?" he asked. Your heart swelled with how slurred and deep his voice sounded. </p><p> </p><p>"Umm." You pressed your palms against his torso to steady yourself. "It's really only the evening that I've spent alone for the past few years. One year I saw a ballet, the nutcracker one. One year I went to the symphony, they had a Christmas show thing, and I usually cook myself a nice dinner. I guess...just whatever," you rambled.</p><p> </p><p>"Rey let's you do all that alone?"</p><p> </p><p>You nodded shyly. "She begs me to stay, but I want her and Sophie to have their time together. It sounds kind of pathetic, I know, but it doesn't really feel sad to me. I'm always tired from the party anyway. I guess the party is more of my Christmas than anything."</p><p> </p><p>"It doesn't sound pathetic."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." You could feel warm blush rise on your cheeks. "Okay."</p><p> </p><p>"It's impressive," he said, and you squinted at him, asking him to explain. "Most people are uncomfortable with being alone like that."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't really feel alone when I'm doing it..."</p><p> </p><p>"Because you know you have people who would be there if you asked them to," he finished your thought for you.</p><p> </p><p>You weren't going to say that. You weren't going to wave the fact that you were loved in his front of his face. You felt the need to correct him somehow. Say 'No, they don't love me that much!' or 'No, I'm just as miserable as you!', but there was no point. You gave him a small nod. </p><p> </p><p>"Now, I can spend it with you, though. If you'd like," you said quietly, staring at his bare chest instead of his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"Is that you want?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>With his fingers gripped around your waist, he pushed you off of him and stood, reaching for his clothes. Your heart sank and you kneeled on the bed, wondering what you had done wrong. He glanced back to notice your solemn stare. </p><p> </p><p>"Come on. We better hurry."</p><p> </p><p>"What?"</p><p> </p><p>He paused with one arm in his sweater. "I have a feeling you're going to drag me to a lot of places today, so I think it's best if we get going."</p><p> </p><p>You smiled widely and you could tell he was trying not to grin. </p><p> </p><p>"You're not wrong."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Kylo flicked the light switch and bathed his apartment in the dim glow of the chandelier. You were exhausted--you both were. It had been a full day. First there was breakfast with Rey and Sophie, which lasted a bit longer than you had anticipated. Rey made you stay to open your gifts, and you kept glancing at Kylo, feeling guilty that he wasn't receiving any. He didn't look disappointed. Then there was ice skating at City Hall Plaza. It was freezing, and you had to stop at his apartment first to bundle up. His gloves were comically huge on you, and though you assured him your fingers would survive the cold he insisted on stopping at the mall and buying you some. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was good at ice skating. It almost pissed you off how effortlessly he could skate across the ice, dragging you behind him by your clasped hands. After a while, your body remembered the movements too and then you both made easy laps through the course until you couldn't handle the cold. By then it was four, and you agreed on an early dinner. You found a nice restaurant, one with too many forks, and enjoyed the warmth and the low Christmas music echoing through the decorated walls. Then you 'dragged him around' a bit more, as he put it. You stopped in shops, but insisted you didn't want anything even when he offered. You had a suspicion he had already gotten you a gift, and you couldn't handle the guilt of extra purchases. Not on Christmas. For the remainder of the evening, you walked around the Boston Commons with your hand in his coat pocket. </p><p> </p><p>And although it wasn't that late--you guessed about 8 o'clock-- your limbs were stiff from the cold, your energy vacant, but his dark apartment brought you a surge of comfort. It smelled like him. </p><p> </p><p>Still, your heart was aching. You watched as he shed his layers, tucking his gloves into his coat. It was a perfect day. He was his usual distant self, often wearing a blank expression and not offering many conversation points. But the times he did speak, he was funny, and normal and sometimes a little sweet. You couldn't feel comfortable with it. Too many times, a good day had meant a bad one right after. </p><p> </p><p>You knew you had to push that fear away, but as you followed him into the bedroom, your heart was still squeezed tightly under your lungs. Even when he kissed you on the bed and his hands found the bottom of your sweater, still the fear lingered. After removing his own shirt, he paused  to take in the sight of your violet bra and bent his head to kiss your chest but he froze, eyes peering into yours, brows drawing together. </p><p> </p><p>"What's wrong?" he asked. </p><p> </p><p>"No, oh, nothing," you said quickly. Probably too quickly. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo sat up and blinked at you. You must have looked anxious-- how else could he have known?</p><p> </p><p>"Tell me," he demanded.</p><p> </p><p>You gulped and stared at the canvas of his bare chest. Could you tell him this? That you were afraid of his joy, because you knew the darkness would have to return eventually. You had a feeling that confronting the problem would only make it worse. You didn't want to see an angry Kylo at the end of this perfect day. But you couldn't come up with a fake answer and his eyes were stern now, jaw tight and suspicious. Honesty slipped through your lips before your tongue could contain it.</p><p> </p><p>"I just...This has been such a nice day and I don't want it to end. I don't want--," you paused and squirmed against the mattress. "I don't want you to be miserable again."</p><p> </p><p>He didn't say anything for a few seconds and you couldn't tell if he was absolutely outraged, or positively annoyed. </p><p> </p><p>"When am I miserable?" he asked, finally. </p><p> </p><p>"All the time. With work, and stuff," you answered, voice timid. You sat up and scooted towards where he kneeled, cautiously reaching out to brush your fingers over the side of his neck. "Sorry. This is a stupid conversation. Let me give you your Christmas present."</p><p> </p><p>You kissed him firmly, trying to lock him there, but he pulled away. </p><p> </p><p>"When I'm miserable it makes you miserable?" he asked. </p><p> </p><p>"No it..." you started. "It doesn't make me miserable. But it makes me feel a little bad."</p><p> </p><p>"Lay down."</p><p> </p><p>Somewhere within your chest, a part of your high spirit deflated, but you followed his instructions and pressed your back against the mattress, head resting on the pillows. Kylo pushed himself off the bed and circled the room until he was in front of his nightstand and could yank open the drawer. His hands pulled away and you already knew what was coming. A black piece of fabric. </p><p> </p><p>He kneeled onto the mattress and you held your hands out. Your motion turned out to be useless. Kylo reached around your face, placing the dark cloth over your eyes, and tied it in an expert knot behind your head. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you mumbled, a twinge of nervousness in your gut. There was silence and you lay there, waiting to feel his touch. It felt like an eternity of thick nothing. "Kylo?" you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>Nothing. Just blackness.</p><p> </p><p>You pushed yourself to prop on your elbows, your balance disoriented without sight.</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo?" you whispered again. "You're scaring me."</p><p> </p><p>His fingers skimmed your waist and you jolted at the sudden touch. </p><p> </p><p>"You're not allowed to take your blindfold off," he said shortly.</p><p> </p><p>"O-okay, but wait," you pleaded. "I just--are you angry about what I said? I'm too nervous now to-- Is everything okay?"</p><p> </p><p>There was a pause. Your chest was rising and falling deeply with nervous breath. </p><p> </p><p>"We had a good day," he said blandly. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded. </p><p> </p><p>"Can I please take the blindfold off for a moment?" you asked quietly. </p><p> </p><p>A long pause, way too fucking long, and then: "Fine."</p><p> </p><p>You pulled the fabric away from your eyes. Kylo was sitting next to you and you sat up quickly to examine his expression. It was mostly blank, but you caught a glance of emotion in the twitch of muscle under his eye. </p><p> </p><p>"Is everything okay?" you asked. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>"Are you sure? I didn't mean to ruin the mood."</p><p> </p><p>"We had a good day," he repeated his earlier statement. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, we did," you said slowly. "I always think days with you are good though." Flattery seemed like a decent tactic for the moment.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not always miserable."</p><p> </p><p>You tried to nod understandingly. "I shouldn't have said that."</p><p> </p><p>"I have an allegiance to my work, an allegiance to Snoke," he said it firmly, as if he were trying to convince himself more than you.</p><p> </p><p>He was staring at the sheets and you leaned forward until your forehead rested against his. </p><p> </p><p>"I know. I know and I wasn't trying to say that's bad. That's okay. You like work. I understand."</p><p> </p><p>He shifted his head to press against your temple more firmly, and you realized he was leaning against you.</p><p> </p><p>"Sometimes it's hard."</p><p> </p><p>He said it so quietly, you almost didn't catch the words. </p><p> </p><p>"I can only imagine, Kylo," you said softly. "I could never do what you do. What you do is so much, and--and so difficult, and you've done it for so long, since you were young, probably too young. I'm sure it's taken it's toll."</p><p> </p><p>You could feel his breath against your lips. You cupped his face in your palms and brushed your thumbs over his cheeks. Suddenly, he cleared his throat and pulled away, blinking like he had forgotten where he was.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't want to talk about this anymore," he said shortly. </p><p> </p><p>"That's okay." </p><p> </p><p>You could feel his tension--you could see it in the wideness of his shoulders, the frustrated fold in his brow. So you leaned forward and pressed your lips to his jaw, trailing your fingers down his neck. You worked your mouth along his throat for the second time today, sucking gently, careful to not leave any damage. His earlier frustration diminished with every stroke of your lips, and his hands found your legs, running his palms along your thighs. </p><p> </p><p>"This is your Christmas present," you mumbled against his neck. "You can do anything you want to me."</p><p> </p><p>His hand gripped your throat and he tugged you away until he could see your face. You smirked at him as his darkening eyes took you in. </p><p> </p><p>"Or," you sung. "I could do things to you."</p><p> </p><p>He scoffed. "You'd think I'd let you take control?"</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged as his fingers dug into the skin of your throat. "Not really. You'd be too scared." His jaw shifted, lip twitching, and you laughed. "It's your present, though. You get to choose."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo considered for a moment and reached around you to pick up the black tie, holding it taught in his hands, hovering it in the space between your chests. You closed your eyes instinctively, waiting for the feeling of the soft fabric crowding your eyelashes and the tug on your hair as his fingers tied it behind you. Seconds passed and the feeling never came. Instead, he draped it over your lap. You looked at him in surprise, but he avoided your gaze, moving to lean against the headboard. </p><p> </p><p>Your confidence didn't waver as you crawled to straddle him and lifted the tie to his face. </p><p> </p><p>"You could try not to look so pleased," he warned. </p><p> </p><p>Your smile only grew. "You're not allowed to remove your blindfold," you whispered as you tied it behind his head. </p><p> </p><p>Your mind ran through every possibility of what you could do to him. You wondered what you could get away with--probably not much. You started simple, leaning forward to meet his lips. Even when you were supposed to be the one in control, he was gripping your hips, rolling the flesh between his fingers, and exploring your mouth with his tongue. You got lost in his lips for a moment, the way they moved slowly but deeply, the way he sucked lightly on your bottom lip, but then you snapped out of the daze. You moaned into his mouth and pulled away to shove his hands from your body. </p><p> </p><p>"You're not allowed to touch me yet," you clarified. </p><p> </p><p>His jaw tightened, and you could sense how agitated he was. With stubborn slowness, he pulled his fingers away from your hips and huffed. You pressed your lips to his collarbone as your fingers fumbled with his zipper. You trailed wet kisses down his torso, your lips feeling the hard stretches of muscle beneath his skin, and you pulled his jeans and briefs down with one tug. He was already slightly hard, which you found flattering since you hadn't done much. You took him in your hand and stroked over him slowly, carefully watching his face. His lips twitched and he leaned his head back against the headboard.  </p><p> </p><p>"I like seeing you like this," you said quietly.</p><p> </p><p>"Shut up," he groaned.</p><p> </p><p>You held back a laugh and leaned down to swirl your tongue around the pink tip of his cock. His shoulders shifted. You dragged your tongue along his shaft and watched his breath grow shallower under his chest. </p><p> </p><p>"I feel like I should make you beg for it," you said, sucking lightly on his tip. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm not gonna fucking do that," he spat. </p><p> </p><p>You laughed. You couldn't help it. You could tell how much he hated it all from the tension in his frame, his curled fists resting against the sheets. For now, you'd let his snappy remarks slide. You lowered your mouth onto his cock, sucking in your cheeks and bobbing slowly up and down, not bothering to take all of him just yet. You never took your eyes away from his face--you wanted to watch his reactions. His lips parted silently and his hand lifted to grab your hair but you swatted it away quickly. </p><p> </p><p>"I fucking hate this," he mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>You pulled him from your mouth, still pumping with your hand. "That's not very nice," you said plainly. </p><p> </p><p>"Just get--" His hand reached out again, most likely to push your mouth back onto him, but you shoved it away for the second time. </p><p> </p><p>"Good things come to those who are patient. Actually, I take that back. Those who are patient get to come," you warned.</p><p> </p><p>As you stroked him, you considered your options. Technically it was his Christmas present, but surely you could still have some fun. You grabbed his hand and pulled it farther away from his side, before crawling to hover yourself above it. You watched him carefully as you gripped two fingers and sunk yourself onto them, sighing at the relief. His lips pulled upwards in a small, amused smile. </p><p> </p><p>"You're greedy," he taunted. </p><p> </p><p>"Maybe." You kept your hand around his length, slowly pumping, being sure to graze your fingertips over his head from time to time. </p><p> </p><p>His wrist stiffened, providing an easier source of stability for his fingers to keep still as you rocked onto them. You tried not to moan, though the temptation was high. You used his palm to make friction against your clit, and you were suddenly very glad he couldn't the way your torso was already curled inwards, the way your mouth was hanging open with satisfaction. </p><p> </p><p>"Couldn't you just do this on my dick?" he asked between a strangled breath. You knew by his tone that he was taunting you more than he was begging for his own relief. He could feel how wet you were, how your walls were clenching around his fingers. </p><p> </p><p>"That would kind of, hm, ruin the whole point," you tried to say clearly, but it came out breathy and strained. </p><p> </p><p>"And what point is that?"</p><p> </p><p>He started working with you, thrusting his fingers up every time you shifted down, and curling his palm to press against your clit firmly. You shuddered and gave in to a moan. </p><p> </p><p>"That I'm in control," you managed to push the words past your gritted teeth. </p><p> </p><p>"It doesn't seem that way to me."</p><p> </p><p>His words yanked you from your blur of bliss and though your cunt begged you not to, you pushed off of him. Kylo chuckled and frustration surged through your chest. You waisted no time in straddling his hips and slowly grinding against his cock, letting it drag through your folds. His hands found your hips and his fingers gripped onto your flesh. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo," you groaned and pushed them away. "You're not listening to me."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, I don't really want to."</p><p> </p><p>Your hips stopped their grinding and you propped yourself up on your knees. With your fingers holding his shaft, you pushed his tip against your entrance, letting it slip in just barely before pulling it out again. Your cunt was aching, just as tempted to be filled as you were sure he was to be inside of you, but you resisted your need. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm just going to wait," you announced. </p><p> </p><p>His breath was quicker now, the muscles of his chest tense with anticipation. </p><p> </p><p>"For what?" he asked breathily. </p><p> </p><p>"For you to beg."</p><p> </p><p>He grinned. He fucking grinned and his fingers trailed up your thighs. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm not going to do that."</p><p> </p><p>"No?"</p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>Before you could stop him, he tore the blindfold off of himself and flipped you over, his pelvis pressed against you. </p><p> </p><p>"No! You just broke all the rules!" you yelped with a laugh. </p><p> </p><p>His hand found your throat, squeezing it gently, and he kissed you tauntingly slow. You arched your back as his free hand found your bra and unclipped it. You slid it from your arms and waited for the usual attack of his mouth but he stayed pressed against your lips. </p><p> </p><p>"You're going to call me daddy," he commanded. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, what?"</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, daddy."</p><p> </p><p>His lips moved to your breasts and you squirmed beneath him as he sucked at your skin. </p><p> </p><p>"Good girl," he mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>He closed his mouth over your nipple, running his tongue over your hardening nubs as he sucked gently. Your clit was tingling, warmth in your cunt growing, as he lips poured relief into your nerves. You threaded your fingers through his hair, tugging harshly, more harshly than you would usually dare. He groaned around your nipple and rolled it between his teeth. </p><p> </p><p>"Did you have your fun?" he asked.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes," you sighed and arched into him, searching for any form of stimulation. His dick was hard now and you could feel it against your thigh, throbbing and slick with your wetness. There was a sudden stinging on the front of your cunt and you yelped and pressed your palm to cover your tingling clit. "What was that for?" you shouted, looking to where Kylo was still sucking at your tits, his hand hovering in the air where he had just slapped you.</p><p> </p><p>"You broke the rule."</p><p> </p><p>"What-- Oh," you blinked at him with an amused smile. "Sorry, daddy."</p><p> </p><p>He moaned approvingly, and pulled his mouth away to drag down your stomach. You propped yourself on your elbows and watched his hair brush over your skin as he went. He kissed around your cunt, sucking at the skin of your inner thigh and nipping at the stretch of skin above your clit. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo," you whispered, tugging on his hair. "Just fuck me."</p><p> </p><p>His tongue dragged across your slit and you shuddered, a pathetic whimper escaping your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"I should torture you the way you tortured me," he said, exploring your cunt with his mouth, pushing his tongue against your entrance. </p><p> </p><p>"I didn't torture--" You were cut off by your own moan when his mouth closed over your clit. "Fuck, Kylo."</p><p> </p><p>"Not Kylo." His voice vibrated against your bud and you whimpered, fighting the urge to clamp your legs shut. </p><p> </p><p>"Daddy," you panted, arching into his mouth, making him suck harder. "Just fuck me now."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo stayed against your clit for a few more seconds, before he pulled away and grabbed your hips to flip you over. You struggled to steady yourself on your knees and palms, ass in the air, waiting for him as he shed his jeans and briefs. His tip grazed through your folds, pulsing at your entrance the way you had done to him. You were feeling bratty-- you wanted to tease him and refuse to call him daddy and force that stupid blindfold back onto him. But you were desperate and you didn't want to wait any longer, so you pressed your lips together to keep your snarky comments from escaping. It took all your patience to wait silently, but when his cock pushed slowly through your entrance and filled your aching walls, you were glad you had.</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck," Kylo muttered under his breath. He rocked into you steadily, hands grasping your hips and pulling you back to meet his thrusts. Your jaw hung open as he pushed against your walls, grazing your g-spot and stretching you wide.</p><p> </p><p>"Wish I could have seen you riding my fingers," he grumbled, holding his moans in his chest. His breathing was deep as he slid into you easily, again and again.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah? Well I wish I-I could see you fucking me," you panted. </p><p> </p><p>He pulled out and flipped you over in one motion settling himself between your legs and slamming back into you. You whimpered, back sinking into the mattress with his sudden force, and watched his hair bounce with each thrust, his lips parted and cheeks flushed. He shoved your legs over his shoulders and rammed into you agonizingly deep. You slurred jumbled praises and arched beneath him. With your head thrown back, you pressed your fingers to your clit and made eager circles as he pierced into your gut. His cock pushed against your g-spot and you pressed your palms against his chest lightly, curling your fingers to scratch at his skin. </p><p> </p><p>"Wait, right there. Oh fuck, yes right there," you slurred as he kept his position and massaged your tingling nerves.</p><p> </p><p>"You tell daddy when you're going to come."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm close, daddy, oh fuck," you whimpered, your fingers moving faster against your clit.</p><p> </p><p>A few more deep thrusts and you came undone, moaning and yelping. Your head pressed into the mattress as bliss exploded in your gut, overwhelming warmth that soothed your thighs. Your clit burned under your own touch and your walls clenched around Kylo's length. That must have been the ending point for him too, because he cursed loudly and thrust into you harshly before you felt hot cum fill the space of your walls. You were both panting heavily with warm faces and dewy necks, when you giggled under your breath. Kylo glanced at your heavy eyelids and returned a small grin. He collapsed beside you and you automatically leaned closer to him, resting the side of your face against his shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>"Can't believe you broke my rules," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"It was my Christmas gift," he argued. </p><p> </p><p>"Kind of felt like mine too."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you could sense him glancing down at you so you looked up to meet his gaze. He was perfect-- swollen lips, foggy eyes, messy hair some of which was stuck to his temples with sweat. "I have a real Christmas present for you."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh."</p><p> </p><p>You both remained relaxed against the sheets for another minute, letting your breath slow and the buzz of your high drain from under your skin. Eventually, he sat up and crossed to his closet. You blinked at the doorframe, unsure if you should follow, but after more empty seconds you tugged his shirt over your head and slipped off the bed. </p><p> </p><p>You stood in the doorframe to find him pulling a new shirt over his head, new briefs already covering his hips. You cleared your throat and he glanced at you before pulling a bag from the top shelf. It was a blue shopping bag. You didn't even have to see the words to know what it was. Tiffany's. You took it from his hands, gulping and trying to force a small smile. </p><p> </p><p>"Wow," you croaked. </p><p> </p><p>"Open it."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded and pulled at the tissue paper with stalling fingers. You kept glancing at him but he only stared back with an empty expression. There were two things inside the bag-- an envelope and a small box. The envelope seemed too daunting for now so you started with the box, though it still yanked anxiety into your chest as you propped the top open.</p><p> </p><p>Earrings. Small hoops studded with diamonds. Far nicer than the half-plastic flimsy ones you owned. </p><p> </p><p>"Are-are they real diamonds?" you asked. </p><p> </p><p>"Of course."</p><p> </p><p>You blinked at them for a moment. You were grateful that you were too inexperienced to know exactly how much diamond hoops from Tiffany's would cost. You tried to focus on Kylo and how he would want you to react, how he would want you to enjoy his money. You smiled, and carefully pulled them from the velvet padding. </p><p> </p><p>"They're so lovely," you announced as you slipped them into your ears and fastened their backs. You pushed you hair behind your shoulders, and your grin grew a little more authentic. You really did like them after all. Though you were trying desperately to ignore the matter of cost. </p><p> </p><p>"There's something else."</p><p> </p><p>"Right," you whispered, and pulled the cream envelope from the bag. Your fingers shook as you pried the sticky paper apart, taking the time to tear a clean line. Your fingers reached within the fold, searching for paper but found nothing. When you glanced inside you noticed why. There was paper, but it was smaller and thinner. It was a check. You pulled it out. In Kylo's swoopy handwriting: Five Thousand and 0/100.</p><p> </p><p>You could only stare at it. And Kylo could only stare at you, waiting for a reaction. </p><p> </p><p>"I..." you started. It amazed you how five thousand dollars didn't seem as shocking as it would have two months ago. You were sure the Tiffany earrings hadn't been far from that amount. The Chanel purse had been almost twice that. Still, with it written out in clean lines, your name at the top and his in the bottom corner, it felt heavy in your hand. "What's it for?" you asked, finally.</p><p> </p><p>"Whatever you want to use it for."</p><p> </p><p>A terrifying, spine-chilling thought stumbled into your mind. It was almost the end of the year. It was almost the end of the year, and he was giving you a check. Ivy had mentioned this. She said they usually gave her a parting gift. One last transaction before they let you go.</p><p> </p><p>"Is this...Is this supposed to be like...a final payment?" you asked quietly, staring at the black lines of his name.</p><p> </p><p>There was a moment of silence and you looked up to find his face furrowed in bewilderment. </p><p> </p><p>"No. Why would you think that?" he asked slowly.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, god, sorry. I don't know why, it's just the end of the year and I thought--gah, that was dumb. Um, thank you. I don't feel like I quite deserve this but thank you. A lot." He was still staring with a furrowed brow and panic crept up your throat. "Sorry, sorry. That was weird of me."</p><p> </p><p>"Did you want to it to be a final payment?"</p><p> </p><p>"No!" you shouted immediately, a little too loud, and then again quieter, "No."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay....I love the earrings."</p><p> </p><p>"Good."</p><p> </p><p>"And the, uh, money--the money just feels harder to accept but I'm very grateful."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>You shifted on your feet. "Do you want me to leave?"</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want to leave?"</p><p> </p><p>You were avoiding his gaze now. It felt awkward-- all of it, the check in your sweating fingers, the hoops hanging heavily on your ears, Kylo's intense stare. Even then, you did not want to leave. Even if he was angry and yelling, you wouldn't want to leave. Even if he asked to cry in your arms, you wouldn't want to leave. You weren't sure how many bad things would have to happen in order to make you leave. You hoped you would never find out.</p><p> </p><p>"No, not really," you answered quickly. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo nodded and stepped forward. You could see his Adam's apple bob as he gulped in front of you. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm..." He started, but stared at the check in your hands. </p><p> </p><p>You grew suddenly insecure and tucked it into the envelope again. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah?" you asked him to go on. </p><p> </p><p>"You are always..."</p><p> </p><p>There was a pause of silence and your breath was trapped under your chest, anxiously awaiting a statement that seemed to be taking him great effort to announce. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, he continued. "You are always patient...with things."</p><p> </p><p>You tried not to scrunch your brow, though you felt confused. It was a broad statement. It didn't seem to mean that much. "Like what?" you prodded.</p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath and glanced at the diamond ears hanging from your ears. </p><p> </p><p>"Me."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you whispered.</p><p> </p><p>"The check is like..." He licked his lips. "A bonus for your patience, and your, um, support."</p><p> </p><p>You blinked at him, then the envelope in your hand, then back at him. Patience and support. What did patience and support even mean? Emotional support? Patience with his ridiculous temper and stress? Your mind wanted to assume he was implying sexual favors, but you found that hard to believe. </p><p> </p><p>"Can I ask if--" You tucked the envelope into the Tiffany's bag, not wanting to hold it's weight in your fingers any longer. "--your other arrangements received this too?"</p><p> </p><p>He shook his head slightly. "No."</p><p> </p><p>"Just me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>And that told you all you needed to know.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Fourteen Days</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the timing/pace of this chapter is a little different, so I hope it doesn't get confusing. Let me know if it does and maybe I'll find time to rewrite it in the future!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You didn't see Kylo for a while after that. </p><p> </p><p>You probably should have expected it. He had shown you more of himself than you had even thought possible. You had seen his tears. You had seen genuine smiles and laughter. You had seen blindfolded, sleepy, homesick, Christmas Day, Kylo. Exposing delicate parts of himself must have scared him. Considering his usual difficulty with vulnerability, it seemed understandable. </p><p> </p><p>This time, you weren't scared. You didn't sulk. You spent all your time writing. Every hour of waiting for a text, you had your laptop in front of you and your fingers pounding at the keyboard.  You weren't nervous, because you knew. At least, you were almost certain you knew. He felt something too. He wasn't going to up and leave for a multitude of flattering reasons. You were his favorite. You apparently deserved five thousand dollars for treating him like a human. You were trusted enough to blindfold him in bed. You were special enough to be the place he sought comfort. He may have needed some time to process everything that happened, but you were confident he wasn't going to be done with you this easily. </p><p> </p><p>That didn't mean you didn't miss him. Or worry about him. Or have the urge to text him. You still thought of him, alone in his apartment, and felt your heart sink. You still wondered if he was drinking too much wine and smoking too many cigarettes. He was a grown man, and he would probably do those things in any circumstance, but you wished you could at least be there to provide him company. Even so, you knew he needed time, and you tried to respect that. </p><p> </p><p>Except on December 28th. On December 28th, you cried. It was his birthday. Kylo probably didn't care about birthdays. He probably didn't really mind whether or not his 32nd anniversary of existing passed without a cake or present, but you still spent the day with an anxious knot in your gut. Because if you had been there, you would have brought him a present, whispered 'happy birthday' while on top of him as he groaned and complained. You would have done everything you could to remind him he was just as deserving of celebration as anyone else. But you couldn't. You were home, and he was most likely at the office all day and in his dark apartment working all evening. You couldn't stop thinking about it all. You would asked him to swim in the pool even though it snowed. You would have made him take a warm bath afterwards. You would have let him tie you up. You would have been there. </p><p> </p><p>At 7 p.m. on December 28th, you had shed too many tears, and you decided to stop guessing what he needed. You would never know what he needed, but you knew what you wanted to give him. You wanted to give him space to process Christmas, and you also wanted to wish him a happy fucking birthday. So you paced around your room-- stomping over your bed, and stepping onto your desk chair, pausing to stare in the mirror at how wide and nervous your eyes were while you waited for him to answer.</p><p> </p><p>The line rang. And rang. And rang. Then his voice sounded out all business like and deep before  the automated woman's voice told you to leave a message at the beep.</p><p> </p><p>Then there was the beep. You were so dazed by the brief sound of his voice that it took you a few seconds to collect yourself. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey, Kylo. I'm sure you've been busy and I hope you're well. You're not going to like this very much--" you paused to let out a nervous chuckle, "--but I happen to know it's your birthday. It's on Google. Not that I Googled you-- Sophie did and then she told me. Anyways, I wanted to say Happy Birthday and, um, well I guess that's it. I have a feeling you probably don't do anything for birthdays, but I still hope it was a good day." There were a lot of things you wanted to add. I know Christmas was a lot. If you need me to come over we can celebrate. I'll get you a real gift this time. But you knew better, so you cleared your throat and wrapped it up. "I'm tempted to make an old man joke, but I can't think of one. You can just pretend I did. This message is way too long now. Happy birthday, Kylo. Bye."</p><p> </p><p>You hung up and perched yourself on the edge of the mattress, thinking about what he would do when he heard it. Best case scenario, he'd answer. Realistically, he'd listen to it and do nothing. </p><p> </p><p>In the end, he never replied. No call, no text. Just deafening silence. You still assured yourself everything was fine. You still reminded yourself of how much he favored you. </p><p> </p><p>Somehow as days passed, you managed to finish your book. You poured your stress into the effort of completing it, and you succeeded. You were pretty proud of it too. </p><p> </p><p>You saw Rey before New Years. You met her at Outskirt and nestled against her on the couch, a mocha in hand. Her eyes kept turning soft and pitying every time you mentioned his name. </p><p> </p><p>"It's literally fine. I'm not worried about it," you assured her.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, okay. I'm just sad for you," she said with her palms raised in surrender. </p><p> </p><p>"You don't need to be sad for me. Nothing's happened. I'm not sad."</p><p> </p><p>When New Year's Eve came, that statement was starting to lose credibility. The worry was creeping in. Six days with nothing. Maybe six days wasn't really as long as it had felt--fuck, it had felt so long. You tried to enjoy the holiday anyway. One of your old friends from Cloud Nine organized a party. You managed to get pretty wasted, with Ivy a shot or two behind you at all times. Midnight came and everyone cheered and kissed each other, Ivy planting one on your cheek. You returned her gesture and you laughed through your blurry state. When the excitement buzzed out, you thought of Kylo. You wondered if he was even awake. You wondered if he had even noticed it was a new year. </p><p> </p><p>He must have been wondering about you too, because your phone rang. You didn't even apologize to the group of conversation you were entwined in before you scurried through the shoulders of the crowd and burst through the front door. It was quiet but not quiet enough. You needed more silence to savor his voice, so you quickly stumbled into the stairwell of the apartment building and tapped the screen. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you said, breathily. You tried to will away your drunkenness. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi." His voice was the same--deep and smooth.</p><p> </p><p>"Happy New Year." You wanted to sound excited, but it came out plain.</p><p> </p><p>"Happy New Year." There was a pause, and then he added: "I got your message, from December 28th."</p><p> </p><p>"Your birthday."</p><p> </p><p>Another bout of silence. Then, "Yes, my birthday."</p><p> </p><p>"Happy late birthday," you said, smiling to yourself as you tugged on one of your diamond hoops. You had worn them religiously since Christmas. </p><p> </p><p>He made an annoyed 'ehck' sound and you laughed loudly. The alcohol was not aiding you in acting serious.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, I'm a bit drunk," you mumbled. "I don't know if you could tell or not."</p><p> </p><p>"I could."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh."</p><p> </p><p>"You slur your words a lot."</p><p> </p><p>"That sounds about right," you said.</p><p> </p><p>"You're partying, then?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, but probably leaving soon." You hoped he was trying to ask you to come over. You hoped desperately that he wanted to see you.</p><p> </p><p>"I see."</p><p> </p><p>Disappointment stung your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"How's work?" you asked.</p><p> </p><p>"Fine."</p><p> </p><p>You slipped out of your left heel and then back into it repeatedly, searching for a way to rid your nervous energy. There was so much you wanted to say, and yet nothing came to mind. </p><p> </p><p>"How did you get to the party?" he asked.</p><p> </p><p>You frowned and stumbled out of your heel completely. How was that a relevant question?</p><p> </p><p>"I took the T with Ivy," you mumbled as you flipped your heel over and wiggled your toes back inside of it. </p><p> </p><p>"You took the subway?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, Kylo. We don't have cars."</p><p> </p><p>"How will you get home?" he asked slowly. </p><p> </p><p>"The T?" You leaned against the wall and closed your eyes, begging for your mind to sober. </p><p> </p><p>"That's dangerous."</p><p> </p><p>"Ubers are expensive," you argued, fingers gripping the corner of the railing. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll send you one."</p><p> </p><p>Your heart swelled and you squeezed your eyes shut to revel in his generosity. "You really don't have to."</p><p> </p><p>"When do you need it?"</p><p> </p><p>You lifted the screen away to glance at the time. "An hour maybe."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay. Then it will be there in an hour."</p><p> </p><p>"That's really nice. I feel bad," you mumbled, switching to slip in and out of the other heel. </p><p> </p><p>"Why?"</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe I'm just drunk."</p><p> </p><p>"You'd still feel guilty sober," he pointed out. His voice was so bland and tense, it made your lungs feel tight.</p><p> </p><p>"That's true. Are you smoking right now?"</p><p> </p><p>A brief pause, then: "No. Why?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, I don't know. Usually if you're up late, you're smoking. That's good though. It's bad for you."</p><p> </p><p>"You smoke."</p><p> </p><p>"I guess neither of us are good at resisting temptations."</p><p> </p><p>There was a long pause. You could hear his quiet breath. You tried to imagine what he looked like in this moment, but the image was distorted in your mind. It was too cold for him to be standing on the balcony. You couldn't imagine him laying in bed on the phone. Maybe, he was at his desk. </p><p> </p><p>"Where are you now?" you asked. It wasn't the greatest question, but your fuzzy mind couldn't think of anything else and you desperately didn't want him to hang up. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm...I'm in bed."</p><p> </p><p>You smiled. Now that he had said it, your imagination was able to conjure the picture. Kylo with sleepy hair and a bare chest, leaning against his headboard with his phone pressed to his ear. You had to ignore the possibility of him lying down. It was too intimate. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, really? What are you wearing?" you asked sarcastically. </p><p> </p><p>"You're so drunk." You could almost hear a small smile through his amused tone. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, very. I wish you were drunk too."</p><p> </p><p>"Why?"</p><p> </p><p>"'Cause then you'd be having fun."</p><p> </p><p>He didn't say anything for a long time. You leaned heavily against the banister, the world spinning around you slowly, and tried to focus on listening for his words when they came. </p><p> </p><p>"I had fun at Christmas," he said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>"That's good. Me too. I think I'll always remember that Christmas." What you really wanted to say was 'I'll always remember the Christmas I spent with you. I'll always remember the way you made me feel.'</p><p> </p><p>He had no reply for that apparently, and after seconds passed you regretted saying it at all. Your embarrassment was interrupted by the sound of the door and the sight of Ivy looking at you with a relieved smile. </p><p> </p><p>"I couldn't find you. Are you okay?" she asked. Her cheeks were pink from the alcohol and her hair was tousled. You wondered if she had been making out with someone. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm on the phone with Kylo," you tried to whisper, but it came out louder than intended. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy's eyes widened and she slammed the door immediately, leaving you alone again. </p><p> </p><p>"You should get back to the party," his voice sounded through the speaker and made your heart drop. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know." It was all you could think to say. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't forget about the Uber."</p><p> </p><p>"I won't," you assured him before adding: "Are you going to sleep now?"</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe."</p><p> </p><p>"We don't have to hang up."</p><p> </p><p>"It's okay." His tone was softer now. Your chest ached.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay. Goodnight, Kylo."</p><p> </p><p>"Goodnight."</p><p> </p><p>You took a minute to collect yourself, breathing deeply and rethinking the bits of the conversation that you could remember. You didn't remember leaving the stairwell and entering the crowded apartment, but somehow you were there in the sea of people with Ivy peering at you with heavy concern.</p><p> </p><p>"Was everything okay?" she asked with nervous eyes.</p><p> </p><p>"He got us an Uber."</p><p> </p><p>"Did he say anything specifically...good?"</p><p> </p><p>You shook your head slowly and she burrowed her face in the crook of your neck.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry," she mumbled into your hair. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm not worried," you lied.</p><p> </p><p>On New Year's day you woke up with a pounding headache and thirty minutes dedicated to puking in the toilet. Though you felt ill, you had a sense of determination. You would wait for him, but you would get shit done while you did it. So you did an extreme multitude of things over the next few days: first, you wrote a book proposal. It took a lot of googling, and some late nights with Ivy squinting at the pages over your shoulder, double checking every line for you, but you did it. Next, you made some calls and sent countless emails. Then you ignored the aching in your belly, and you cashed Kylo's check. You were so distracted, constantly typing or working or stressing, that you almost forgot about Kylo's absence. </p><p> </p><p>You contacted twelve literary agents, and by January 8th, ten of them had rejected you. The other two hadn't answered yet, but they were the most prestigious and you knew what that meant. No one wanted to represent your writing. </p><p> </p><p>Each email had poured in through different days of the week. The first one had made you tear up, but you had held out hope and Ivy had bought home a new box of wine that day. Every rejection after that made your heart sink lower, but you had tried to ignore it. You did everything you could to believe. So when the 10th email came on January 8th, you broke. Ivy was at Poe's. You knew you should leave her alone, but you texted her anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Another no. Stay at Poe's though, we can have a pity party tomorrow. Fuck, V, I'm fucking sad fucking fuck. I'll see you in the morning. Don't freak out and leave Poe's, I'm okay. Love you. (fuck this fuckkkk)</p><p> </p><p>You only spent thirty minutes drinking warm wine, sobbing, and trying on every dress Kylo had ever brought you, before you finally gave in to what your mind had been begging you to do for the past fourteen days. You didn't have much to lose now. And besides, you felt annoyed at him. He had built it up in your mind. He had made you believe your writing would get you somewhere. He said you could make a career of it. Being mad at him was easier than hating yourself. </p><p> </p><p>By the time you were in the elevator of Kylo's building, the tears started again. This time they were quieter, little puddles streaking down your cheeks. Part of it might have been from your fear of seeing him. Standing in front of his door, you thought you might puke, but you reached out and knocked anyway. </p><p> </p><p>Seconds of silence passed and you realized your mistake. You weren't allowed to do this. You weren't allowed to show up unannounced. Certainly, not now, when he was already ignoring you. All your confidence about his feelings for you vanished, and you turned quickly, starting down the hallway. </p><p> </p><p>There was a click. And his voice saying your name. </p><p> </p><p>You wiped your face and turned to the door. Kylo was in his usual black t-shirt and sweats. You felt bad. It was late.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi, I--" You pressed your lips together tightly to stop your small sobs from escaping. "I'm just upset."</p><p> </p><p>He stepped forward, leaving the door propped open behind him.</p><p> </p><p>"I see that. You're crying." He didn't look particularly pleased to see you. You opened your mouth to apologize and admit your humiliation, but he interrupted your intentions. </p><p> </p><p>"You can't just show up here."</p><p> </p><p>A sob broke through your lips and you nodded quickly. "Yes, I know. I'm sorry. I was just upset and I came here impulsively and--"</p><p> </p><p>"Why are you crying?"</p><p> </p><p>You took a deep breath. The lack of concern is his voice made your stomach twist. </p><p> </p><p>"I finished my book, and I got rejected by all the agents I contacted." </p><p> </p><p>"Okay," he said slowly, brows furrowing in thought. "Come on."</p><p> </p><p>He stepped aside to let you in, and you glanced up at his towering face as you brushed past him. Everything in his apartment looked the same, except for a small pile of dishes in the sink. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry for showing up unannounced. I know I shouldn't have," you repeated your earlier apology. </p><p> </p><p>"How many agents did you talk to?" he asked, passing you to lean against the counter. His question was so casual. He didn't even acknowledge your remorse.</p><p> </p><p>"Twelve. I got rejected by ten."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you remember meeting Pryde at the Christmas party? His wife has a publishing company. I'll give her a call."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't want to get published because of a personal favor."</p><p> </p><p>"Getting published isn't the personal favor, it's being considered." His words came out with a tint of harshness but you could tell in the immediate drop of his expression that he regretted his tone.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you. That means a lot to me," you said quietly. The tension in the air was awkward and stiff. Two weeks of not seeing someone tended to have that effect. </p><p> </p><p>"You're welcome. I'm sorry that you got rejected by so many," Kylo said slowly. </p><p> </p><p>You itched your cheek and blinked rapidly. You didn't want to cry again, but you could feel the hot prickling of tears return to your eyelids. You opened your mouth to answer, but the words broke in your throat, so you snapped your lips back together and stared at the floor. </p><p> </p><p>You could hear his steps against the floor as he moved closer, but you refused to look up. You didn't want him to see your glossy eyes. His fingers brushed your wrist and you flinched and shook your head quickly. </p><p> </p><p>"It's alright," you managed to say. You pushed past him before he could console you anymore and crossed the room to sit on the couch. Usually, you were the one talking him down. You were the one trying to bring him comfort. You weren't so sure you liked the reversal of it. Kylo followed you and you waited for the shifting of the cushions as he sat down, but it never came. Instead, he leaned down and kneeled in front of you, his hands resting on your knees. He had kneeled in front of this couch before, but then you had been naked and far less sad. His stare was intense so you spoke first.</p><p> </p><p>"Where were you the past couple weeks?" you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"I was busy."</p><p> </p><p>You shook your head slowly. "You've been so honest with me lately. You don't need to lie now."</p><p> </p><p>He switched his gaze between your disappointed eyes, and took a deep breath. "I needed time."</p><p> </p><p>"That's what I assumed, but if you need time, you could just say that. You could have just warned me it would be a while."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo reached up and combed through his hair. He looked startlingly anguished now. Furrowed brows and pouty lips. </p><p> </p><p>"I paid your rent for January. Did the landlord tell you that?" he asked. </p><p> </p><p>"No. She's an asshole though, so she probably would have never told us. That's generous, thank you." You shifted in your seat, and he slid his hands past your knees to grip your thighs.</p><p> </p><p>"I..." he started. You couldn't resist the urge to reach out and run your hands through his hair. His curls were intact and soft, and his eyes fluttered at the feeling. You nodded encouragingly. </p><p> </p><p>As seconds passed, you watched his sadness turn to frustration. You watched his lips tremor and part, only to be snapped close. His mind was at war. His brain was a battlefield. And you watched helplessly as he lost the fight. You could recognize the moment he surrendered to the walls in his mind. Any sign of confusion or hurt vanished from his face. His shoulders squared, and he pushed himself to stand. His chest was rising quickly. You hadn't had enough time to grasp his anguish before it had turned to coldness. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's go to sleep," he said suddenly and sternly. </p><p> </p><p>You were shocked by the idea. You hadn't realized things were okay enough for that. Everything felt so damaged. Sleeping in his bed wasn't something you were expecting to do tonight, but you nodded anyways and followed him into the bedroom. This version of Kylo, this torn apart, achingly wounded and furious version, was not someone you were going to argue with. </p><p> </p><p>You pulled your jeans off as he stepped away into his closet. You thought about removing your sweater too, but then you'd be naked and that didn't feel appropriate. You laid on your usual side, wrapped yourself in his sheets, and waited patiently until he emerged in his briefs and settled on the mattress across from you. Neither of you moved. Neither of you said a word. You didn't touch. You barely even breathed. </p><p> </p><p>With each passing minute, the burden of his pain weighed harder on your chest. This was the wrong day to see him. You both needed comfort and you both couldn't supply it to the other. You could sense he was still awake. You could feel it in the rigidness of his body against the mattress, the restrain in his quiet breath. </p><p> </p><p>Finally you couldn't take it anymore. Maybe, you would have to be the bigger person for a long time with Kylo. Maybe, you'd have to sacrifice your own bad days in order to tend to his. For a while. Only a while, you told yourself. Someday, he'd learn to hurt less.</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo," you whispered. No answer. "You haven't lost me."</p><p> </p><p>You were only met with startling silence. You wondered if you were wrong, and he really was asleep.</p><p> </p><p>"Two weeks isn't enough to push me away," you added.</p><p> </p><p>And you had been right after all. He was awake. Because he shifted and your heart dropped as he rolled over and away from you.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. A Lot of Things</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You stared at the frame of his shoulders, barely visible in the dim light. No. He wasn't allowed to ignore you when you were right in front of him. You had been patient, so patient for two weeks. He wasn't going to make you sleep in his bed and then ignore your comfort.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm leaving," you announced in a small voice, and pushed the covers away. He didn't move as you pulled your jeans and shoes from the floor and crossed to the door. You glanced back at him one last time. He was completely still apart from the rising of his chest. You had to say something--you had to summarize your anger so that he would understand. "Kylo," you started as calmly as you could. "This isn't fair for me anymore. If you ever decide to figure out...these things that are difficult for you, I'll be there. I'll help you. But I'm not going to sit here and let you push me away. We've had this conversation. I'm not your emotional punching bag."</p><p> </p><p>You slammed the door behind you and blinked away oncoming tears. You made it to the front door in large angry strides, and grabbed the metal handle, practically panting now from the adrenaline of snapping at him. Yet your legs remained planted. With an aching chest, you leaned your temple against the wood surface in front of you. Your grip on the handle loosened, and you stayed there, feeling your own breath ricochet warmth onto your face. You didn't know how much time you spent, frozen in silence, mind rambling. You couldn't help but wonder if this was the last time you'd ever be here, in this room, in this apartment, in this building.</p><p> </p><p>A door slammed behind you and you flinched, shoulders jumping, and turned towards the noise. Kylo was standing in the doorway of his bedroom, now wearing a hoodie and jeans. He looked surprised to see you. His phone was in one hand, his keys in the other. You blinked at each other for a moment, surprised that the other was there.</p><p> </p><p>You swallowed your surprise and glanced around the room like the furniture would be able to grant you some excuse as to why you were still standing in his living space. You couldn't think of one so you cleared your throat and motioned towards his hands.</p><p> </p><p>"Were you going somewhere?" you asked in a wavering voice.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay. I was just leaving."</p><p> </p><p>"I was going to go after you," he said lowly.</p><p> </p><p>He didn't move and neither did you. Both of your chests were caving deeply with anxious breath. He looked so startled, sleepy eyes and insanely messy hair. You licked your lips and returned his shocked stare.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, he stepped forward, moving to the kitchen counter, and placed his keys and phone down. He stared at the granite and shifted between his feet. Your heartbeat was rushing through your ears and you weren't sure if you should leave or not. His keys planted on the counter made you think he was announcing some form of surrender, so you stepped forward, placed your jeans and shoes onto the ground, and leaned your forearms against the granite. Kylo glanced up at you and you watched him nervously. His eyes returned to the surface in front of him and you followed his lead, shifting your gaze to the dark swirl of marble.</p><p> </p><p>Neither of you spoke for a long time. You wished you knew what he was thinking. You kept wondering if you should just leave. You had every intention to storm out of here, but your feet didn't seem to want to budge. After an eternity of silence, he spoke.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm tired." It sounded heavy. It wasn't an announcement of physical fatigue. He wasn't hoping for sleep. He wanted peace from the storm within. His shoulders sunk as he said it, and he looked up. His eyes were filled with pain and exhaustion. His lips were plush and solemn.</p><p> </p><p>"Me too." And you meant it. You didn't want to struggle through this anymore.</p><p> </p><p>"I can't..." He leaned forward, copying your position, almost leveling your eyes. "I can't just say things like you can."</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged slightly. "You can. You just don't think you can."</p><p> </p><p>"It's exhausting."</p><p> </p><p>You let your chin fall to rest on your folded hands, nose brushing the cool granite surface. "I know. I wish there was another way."</p><p> </p><p>You both considered this in silence. You wanted another way. Another way to make it easier for him. Another way for him to get past those walls in his mind. Another way for him to say what he wanted to without going through all this pain.</p><p> </p><p>After the long pause of thinking, Kylo straightened and disappeared into his study. You pulled your jeans back on while he was gone and poured yourself a glass of water. This seemed like it would turn into a long night.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo returned and stood next to you stiffly. With a large sigh, he set three items on the counter. A piece of paper, specifically the paper he had bought from you, and two pens. You frowned at him and mirrored his actions as he picked up a pen. Kylo slanted the paper towards you, and flashed you a nervous glance before stepping away. He pulled a glass from a cupboard and a bottle of wood-colored liquid. You pulled the cap from your pen and studied the way his Adam's apple bobbed as he sipped down the whiskey, before you leaned forward and pushed your pen to the paper. Kylo noticed your actions and peered over your shoulder at your sloppy letters.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Maybe writing is easier?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He kept his eyes glued to the paper while he downed the rest of his drink, and moved beside you. His fingers held the corner as he glided the pen over the cream canvas of 80 pound cardstock.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Maybe.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>You tried not to feel frustrated at his shortness. This was his chance. If he didn't try, you were going to leave. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, silently confirming your vow to yourself. You scratched a reply below his.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You start.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Kylo tapped the bottom of his pen against the counter. He picked up his empty glass and pulled the bottle of whiskey from where he had tucked it back into the cabinet.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll take one," you announced.</p><p> </p><p>He nodded without offering any eye contact, and pulled a new glass, filling it higher than his own, before handing it to you and returning to his position in front of the paper. He tucked his bottom lip between his teeth as his pen scratched the surface. You held your breath until he was finished.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I'm sorry for the past two weeks and I'm sorry for tonight.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>You tried not to look at him while you read it, fingers pinching your lips. You expected a pang of warmth from his apology, but your chest felt empty apart from the anxious tightness in your lungs. 'I'm sorry' wasn't enough this time. You took a large gulp of the whiskey, scrunching your brows at the taste, and wrote slowly, careful to be gentle with your choice of words.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>Thank you for apologizing. It was confusing for me. Can you tell me why you didn't want to see me?</em>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>You scratched a long, uneven line under your words. At some point this page would be full and you didn't want him to have to search for your additions.</p><p> </p><p>You glanced at his reaction while he read it. His jaw tightened but he leaned forward, wrist bobbing as he wrote.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>A lot happened at Christmas. It was a little strange for me.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>You nodded at the words and pulled the lid off your pen again.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>Which part exactly was strange?</em>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>Kylo stared at your words for a moment. You recognized the purse of his lips. He was fighting his mind's battle again. He took a step backwards, and lightly shook his glass, watching the liquid twirl. His breath was heavier than normal. He ran a hand through his hair and paused at to tug at the strands. He must have won the fight in his brain, because he stepped forward and set his wrist on the paper, pen held tightly between his oversized fingers. This time, his addition took longer, and you stepped away as he wrote. Your bare feet carried you to pace in front of the fridge, whiskey in one hand as you gulped small sips. It wasn't until he stepped back and looked at you, that you returned to the paper to read the loopy lines of his cursive handwriting.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>What I said on Christmas was not something I intended to share. Frankly, I did not want to see you because I didn't want to think of the way I embarrassed myself. You are patient but what happened on Christmas was immature on my part. I will not put you in the position to practice your patience with my immaturity again.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Your chest seized and a stinging appeared in your throat. He was embarrassed--you had expected that. But he truly believed his vulnerability was wrong and weak. Maybe, you had known that too, but seeing his words made your heart ache. Who had made him believe these things? You tried not to explode into an overeager paragraph of assurance. You scribbled your reply onto the page, pausing after each word to be sure of what you wanted to say.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>I didn't think it was immature. Expressing things like that isn't easy. I don't think its easy for anyone, but people are supposed to do that. I don't feel as though I had to extend my patience at all on Christmas, actually I think it was the opposite. I only extend my patience when you can't say things. I don't think any less of you.</em>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>This time, Kylo read your words more than once. His eyes flickered over your sloppy, wide letters again and again. He rubbed his hand over his neck and downed the rest of his beverage. You turned around as he wrote, but this time it only took a few seconds for him to step back and pop the lid of his pen back on.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Well, I do not plan to share those kinds of thoughts or behave that way again.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>You rubbed your fingers over your lips. It was hard to skate around the topic so widely. 'Those kinds of thoughts'. When you thought about it, he had barely shared anything. He had shared that his Christmases were lonely and he hadn't felt welcomed in a long time. He had shared that his work took a defeating toll on him. Most of his sharing had not been through words. His tears, his face pressed to your breasts, his frown after Ellie had announced that she loved you, his surrender to your suggestion of dominating, his nervous eyes when you asked if the check was your final payment--those were his true moments of vulnerability. You wrote your next answer quickly enough that you didn't give yourself time to doubt it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>I wish you would.</em>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>Kylo blinked at the words, still avoiding your gaze, and grabbed the paper roughly, the corner crumpling in his grip. He crossed the room to the couch and set the cardstock on the coffee table. With his elbows balanced on his knees, he stared at your new words and removed the cap of his pen.</p><p> </p><p>You didn't follow him. He needed distance. You hoisted yourself to sit on the counter and stared at your dangling legs. Seconds seemed to stretch to minutes as you took small sips of the whiskey, occasionally cleansing your tongue with your glass of water. You didn't dare to look back at Kylo, and you didn't have to. He appeared in front of you and peered at you with those golden irises of nervousness and anger, pain and humiliation. You resisted the urge to reach forward and smooth your hands over his chest, run your fingers through his hair, provide any kind of physical comfort you could. No, this was about his words. Your touch would only derail the objective.</p><p> </p><p>He placed the paper onto your lap, the empty side facing up, and immediately stepped away to anxiously perch on the sofa.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You scare me.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The words rang through your head repeatedly, bouncing through the corners of your mind, blaring in your ears along with your heartbeat. Your fingers were gripping the pen, pressing it to form loops and lines before you even realized what you wrote. You carried the paper between sweaty fingers, sliding it onto the coffee table and turning away to let him read it without your gaze.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>So let me scare you.</em>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>You tapped your fingers against the counter, anxiously knocking your hip against the edge. There was rustling behind you as he stood, but you kept your position. The paper slid in front of you and you could sense his presence at your side.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Okay.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>This time, he didn't walk away. He leaned one palm against the counter and hovered beside you. You considered your choices of challenges and scribbled one beneath his single word.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>Will you ever tell me about your past?</em>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>His pen was already uncapped, and his hand automatically reached for the paper. You kept your own wrist propped beside the edge of the cardstock, ready to reply as soon as he finished.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Maybe someday.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>Could you tell me something now?</em>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Like what?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>Something that scares you.</em>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>He gulped and tapped his pen along the corner, leaving little dots of dark ink scattered over the edge. Your wrist flinched towards the center and you added to your reply.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>You were trying to say something earlier.</em>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>He sighed at this, and leaned forward momentarily to let his waves brush the granite, a sign of his whirring mind. His shoulders were taut and wide, strained with tight muscle under his shirt. After stealing a long sip from your glass of whiskey, he answered.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You make me comfortable.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>You smirked.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>I make you scared and comfortable at the same time? I like it.</em>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>The page was full now and you worried that he might abandon it, but he flipped it over and started a new line at the top.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Do I make you feel comfortable?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The fact that he would even be concerned with the question made your heart swell. You thought of the feeling of walking in his apartment, seeing his name on your phone, hearing his voice through the speaker. Your answer came as easily to the page as it would have crossing your lips.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <em>Yes. You make me feel a lot of things.</em>
  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>Kylo stared at your sentence. His chest was rising and falling deeply. He picked it up slowly and folded it into fourths until it was small enough to fit in his back pocket. You wondered if he wanted to put it there so that he could destroy it or preserve it. His focus remained on the swirled patterns of the granite, and you watched his face carefully. His lips were relaxed, pink and plush. His shoulders were stiff but not afraid. His jaw was gentle and unthreatening. The storm in his mind had settled, at least for tonight.</p><p> </p><p>You reached out and ran your hand over his shoulder blade in a gentle attempt to snap him out of whatever thought he was trapped in. He turned his head to look at you quickly and you flinched, pulling your hand back so fast that it rammed against your chest. You stepped backwards and he frowned and straightened his stance to tower over you.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo stepped forward until his face was right next to yours, the heat of his cheek reflecting onto your own. You reached up and cupped his jaw in your palm. It had been so long since you had been this close to him, felt his skin on your own. His fingers found your waist and his body moved closer until his chest was against yours. He smelled like himself--a mix of his cologne and shampoo.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you whispered.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi," he replied, voice low and almost hoarse.</p><p> </p><p>The simple words seemed glaringly loud after so much time spent in silence. His lips met your neck with gentle movements, slowly gliding across your throat, sucking lightly over your pulse. You hummed and kept your palms against his cheeks to feel the movement of his mouth under your fingertips.</p><p> </p><p>"Two weeks," you whispered, sighing with content and leaning your head to let him nibble at your neck.</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm," he hummed, his voice buzzing through your throat as his hands slipped under your sweater. His hands trailed over your back like he was memorizing the curves of your waist, your shoulder blades, your spine. He must have been excited to discover you weren't wearing a bra, because as soon as every inch of your back had been grazed by his fingertips, he moved to your breasts. His fingers were slow, as were his lips on your neck, and he traced the curve of your cleavage, pushing his thumb across your nipples lightly. He didn't knead and pinch them like normal. He examined the soft surface of plush skin with careful touch.</p><p> </p><p>You pulled your sweater off, interrupting his lip's focus on your neck. He paused to meet your eyes, his irises glowing gently with exhaustion and something new. He followed your cue and pulled his hoodie over his head in one quick motion. His chest was as wide and sturdy as you had remembered, stretches of muscle pushing against pale skin. You spread your hands under his collarbones, sliding them towards his shoulders, savoring the intimidating strength he possessed.</p><p> </p><p>You lifted your jaw and his lips met yours, soft and warm and as addictive as ever. Your mouths moved in lazy harmony, relishing each other's presence. He tasted like mint. The same mint he always tasted like, the same mint you had known for two months. You would alway remember it-- the taste of his tongue, the softness of his lips. Your time with him was uncertain. One day you might wake up to a simple goodbye text. A final check in the mail. A collection of nice jewelry and clothing that would sit in your closet and be ridden with his name.</p><p> </p><p>You tried to forget why you were trying so hard to memorize him. You wrapped your arms around his neck and ruffled your hair through his raven waves. Kylo pulled at your thighs, assisting you as you hoisted yourself up to wrap around him. He took slow steps to the counter and set you down on the edge, lips growing hungrier each time they glided against yours.</p><p> </p><p>His hands moved to the front of your jeans, popping the button undone and sliding down the zipper. You didn't wait for him. Your usual ability of patience had vanished. Now you were desperate as you pushed your jeans down your legs and shed them to the floor. Two weeks without him. You had gone one week before and then it had been torture, now it was agony. Your cunt was already slick, already pooling with heat.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo's hands explored the newly exposed skin, running his palms over your thighs, rubbing loose circles into your hips. His thumb brushed your cunt and you shivered and moaned into his lips. You pushed your panties down your thighs in one swoop and opened your legs to let him step between them. You couldn't allow him control over the pace. Not now. Not when you had missed him this much.</p><p> </p><p>He pulled away from your lips, his breath heavy in his chest. His fingers found your cunt and brushed through your folds.</p><p> </p><p>"You're wet already," he said under his breath, peering into your eyes. You nodded slowly and scooted forward, silently begging for contact. There was no sign of humor on his face. No anger either. Something entirely different was sketched into his eyes, the slant of his jaw, pout of his lips.</p><p> </p><p>He slipped a finger inside of you and you leaned forward to return your lips to his. His tongue explored the space behind your teeth as he pumped into you slowly, curling gently when his finger reached fullness. You rocked your hips to meet him and led your hands down his chest and torso to his jeans. You fumbled with the button and zipper, fingers shaky with need.</p><p> </p><p>His fingers left your entrance and assisted you in pulling his layers down until his cock sprung free. He was hard already, larger than ever. You tugged lightly on one of his belt loops.</p><p> </p><p>"All the way off," you whispered.</p><p> </p><p>He didn't hesitate to pull them completely off of himself, stepping out of the legs and throwing them onto your jeans that were already crumpled on the floor. Kylo returned to stand in front of your cunt, two fingers pushing inside of you this time, massaging your walls with each thrust. Your hand found his length, and your fingers rubbed over his tip teasingly as your mouths met again.</p><p> </p><p>Every movement was deliberate and unhurried. You were basking in each other's touch. You hooked your legs around him again, pulling away from his lips to watch him position himself in front of you and fill you with his length.</p><p> </p><p>Your entrance stung for a moment, remembering his size and readjusting. The pain didn't last long as he thrust into you slowly, his hands gripping your thighs and pulling you forward until he could go as deep as possible. You held onto his shoulders, face scrunched with pleasure, cunt burning with relief. Your panting breaths were splaying over each other's necks.</p><p> </p><p>And Kylo didn't quiet himself like normal. The moans that were usually trapped in his chest were releasing past his lips. They were low and deep and satisfied, and the warmth in your core grew with each audible sound of his relief. You didn't hold back either. You let your whimpers and mumbled praises leave your throat and vibrate against his loose jaw.</p><p> </p><p>His thrusts remained slow, but grew with depth and force, piercing your gut and brushing your g-spot. Kylo leaned into you, one arm supporting your back, and you could feel his chest moving with deep breath against your breasts. You shifted to press your cheek to his neck, gasping at the intensifying pressure in your core.</p><p> </p><p>It had been so long, and his moans were so satisfied, you weren't sure how much longer either of you could last. One hand left his shoulder, and you moved it to your cunt, pressing against your clit and rubbing steady circles into your pulsing bud. You jolted at the contact and whimpered, torso caving, nails digging into his shoulders. He pressed a kiss to your hair and whispered curses as his cock pulsed against your clenching walls.</p><p> </p><p>You were going to cum, but you couldn't bring yourself to announce it, so you pulled your face away from the crook of his neck and pressed your forehead to his. His breath was warm and heavy on your lips. Your fingers moved faster against your clit and you yelped as your jaw hung open with bliss. Warmth burst in your gut and your body trembled as your orgasm shook through your legs. Your cunt clenched and flooded with burning relief while you came undone in front of him. Kylo's peak didn't arrive with yours--his cock was still pushing into you again and again, slow but firm. You rocked your hips forward to aid his release, and threaded your fingers through his hair to tug gently. He twitched and you watched as he came, jaw unhinged, shameless moans filling the air around you. You relished in his confident satisfaction. You had spent so long watching him cage his instinctive moans inside his chest, and to hear them now brought some, possibly selfish, feelings of pride. Another assurance that you were special.</p><p> </p><p>He stayed inside of you with his forehead still leaning against your temple as you both caught your breath. After more silence, only filled with panting, he finally spoke.</p><p> </p><p>"I missed you," he whispered.</p><p> </p><p>You answered with your lips and pressed them to his in a short, deep kiss. You tried to say it all. You tried to let your tongue scream affection into his throat. Your swollen lips attempted to push every feeling of pure sympathy and admiration into his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>He pulled away and you tried to smile, though you weren't so sure he had received your message. His hands found the back of your thighs and he pulled you up, signaling for you to hold on. Kylo carried you through the living room and into the bedroom, dropping you in front of the bathroom door gently. You glanced at him once, before entering and closing the door.</p><p> </p><p>You peed and cleaned up, mind both empty and screaming. You kept thinking of his moans. The lovely low sounds that he had been hiding all this time. When you returned to the bedroom, he was propped against the headboard, eyes focused on the screen of his phone. As soon as he noticed you approaching, he clicked it off and set it on the nightstand.</p><p> </p><p>You crawled over his legs, and pulled the sheets around you, sinking into the pillows. He followed your lead, pushing himself to rest beside you. Eventually, his arms grabbed your waist and pulled you forward. You nestled into his chest, the bone of his collarbone pressing into your cheek.</p><p> </p><p>You reveled in his scent and touch. A perfect moment of warmth. And still your heart was aching.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Five A.M.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You were awake far earlier than him, and it was completely on purpose. </p><p> </p><p>You felt suffocated with anxiety, riddled with paranoia. He had been vulnerable. It was practically a miracle. You didn't feel like you were allowed to be proud of him, but you were. He had been brave. He had cooperated with your questions and prodding. He had listened to your words. And now, shivering on the balcony watching the sun peek through the skyline, you wondered if he was going to abandon you again. </p><p> </p><p>Five a.m. had poked you awake with raised eyebrows. The clock had glared at you. <em>Get up. Be awake before he is, so you know he won't ignore you. </em>Your mind couldn't resist the early morning's suggestion. Sleeping in would have meant waking up with his side of the bed empty. Only ruffled pillows and the scent of his cologne left behind to prove his existence at all. Waking up now, ridiculously early, was a sure way of seeing him before he was gone. Maybe, the sight of you would assure him everything was okay-- he didn't need to run and hide. </p><p> </p><p>You were thirty minutes deep into a spiral of terrifying thoughts, when you heard the faint shutting of the bedroom door. You skimmed your fingers across the top of the balcony rail, wondering if it would be best to let him notice you or to make yourself known first. You decided on the latter and crossed the cool tiles to the open balcony door. Kylo was in the kitchen, looking through a cabinet, when you stepped inside and closed the glass door behind you. He looked up at the noise, only half surprised at your presence. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey," you said shyly, padding across the living room to lean against the kitchen counter. </p><p> </p><p>He looked exhausted. His eyes were squinted and blinking as if they weren't working quite yet. His eyelids were slightly puffy, his lips swollen and pouty. His hair was a chaotic halo of sleep around his face and his cheeks were relaxed and rosy. It took everything in you to not drag him back to bed.</p><p> </p><p>"Why are you awake?" he asked, pulling a coffee pod from the cabinet and popping it into the machine. His voice was deep and scratchy in his throat, utterly thick with sleep. </p><p> </p><p>"I just couldn't sleep," you explained quietly. </p><p> </p><p>You were scared of him pulling away, and yet you were the one being timid, preparing for the lash of his rejection. He blinked away the heaviness of his eyelids as the coffee filled the cup. You could sense his mind wandering and dozing. You tried not to stare too much, but it was tempting. He looked so pure, waiting for his coffee, spacing out from exhaustion. You glanced at the clock on the oven. 5:48.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you always wake up this early?" you mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo nodded and pulled the mug from under the machine. "Everyday. Coffee?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, uh, sure," you said, a flutter of hope in your chest. He reached the full mug in his hand toward you and you quickly raised your palms to him. "Oh, no, you drink that. I'll make my own." </p><p> </p><p>You moved before he could answer and pulled a pod from the cabinet, replacing it with his used one. Familiar enough with the organization of his dishes, you opened the cabinet filled with cups and scanned over the options.</p><p> </p><p>"You don't have any fun mugs," you announced and pulled a plain black ceramic cup from the shelf. </p><p> </p><p>"What would be the point?" he argued. </p><p> </p><p>You punched the brew button and frowned at him. "It's fun."</p><p> </p><p>The pattering sound of the streaming coffee filled the relaxed silence that followed. He seemed fine, but maybe that was because he was barely awake. You couldn't help but stare at his bare torso and the toned arms that held the cup to his face, his lips drawn into an O as he blew the steam away from his coffee. You could see a peak of the V-shaped line that led to his pelvis and the bunny trail of dark hair leading down his lower stomach. Kylo tore his eyes from the window he had been staring at, to glance at you.  Cheeks blushing with warmth, you turned quickly and reached out to grab the handle of your mug, though the coffee hadn't finished brewing. You sensed him step forward, and you shifted on your feet, suddenly insecure of your own questionable appearance. You flinched when his fingertips found the small of your back. </p><p> </p><p>"You were staring," he whispered, leaning down to bring his lips near your ear.</p><p> </p><p>"I was just spacing out," you defended, pulling the cup away as soon as the last drop landed. The warmth of the ceramic was satisfying between your palms. You shifted to face him, bringing the coffee to your lips and taking a delicate sip that you immediately regretted. Your face scrunched in pain as you pressed your fingers to your mouth and winced. "It's hot," you mumbled, annoyingly aware of his amused smirk. You brought your lips together to blow onto the coffee while keeping your eyes trained on him. The fog of sleepiness clouding his irises vanished, and all of a sudden he was awake and staring at your mouth. He reached out to run his thumb over your lips. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo leaned forward until his cheek was next to yours, his mouth near you ear. "I'm thinking about these pretty lips," he said lowly, pressing harshly into your bottom lip. "Around my cock."</p><p> </p><p>You blushed, harsh crimson rising on your neck, and shook your head slightly. "It's five a.m." you reminded him. </p><p> </p><p>"Is it?" </p><p> </p><p>"When do you have to leave?" you inquired quietly, warmth gathering in your gut from his suggestion.</p><p> </p><p>"You're right," Kylo said, pulling away and bringing the mug to his lips. "I can't be late."</p><p> </p><p>Disappointment tugged at your chest but you nodded in agreement and watched him move back towards the bedroom. He paused in the doorframe with his mug inches from his mouth. </p><p> </p><p>"Come on," he said blankly, and stepped out of sight. </p><p> </p><p>You set your coffee down with an excited clink and scurried after him, brushing your fingers through your hair and wiping under your eyes. Kylo was standing in the door of the shower, adjusting the temperature when you wandered in and perched yourself on the edge of the mattress. You waited anxiously, heart thumping loudly beneath your cleavage, as he moved to the closet, shuffling through a drawer before crossing the room, an object in his grip. He set it in your lap and your eyes widened at the sight. A vibrator. </p><p> </p><p>"Do not come before I'm back," he demanded and started for the bathroom. </p><p> </p><p>"What--wait," you mumbled, glancing between him and the toy. "Let me join you."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo shook his head and began to shut the door. "There's no time."</p><p> </p><p>Then, you were alone in the dim room, blinking at the vibrator in your lap. Any other day, you might have hesitated to heed his instruction. But now, with the warmth in your lower belly and the thought of him in the shower, you abided his command and crawled to lean against the headboard, shedding his t-shirt you had borrowed and spreading your legs. Your motions came naturally. You started without the toy, rolling your nipples between your fingers and dragging your fingers across your clit teasingly before you couldn't take it and indulged in making small circles against your bud. </p><p> </p><p>It didn't take long until you were dripping, mind still wandering to Kylo in the shower. You knew he was thinking about you, imagining what you were doing now, maybe even becoming hard at the image. You flipped on the toy, flinching at the sudden buzzing nois,e and glanced at the door with insecurity. You rubbed the toy through your slit, wetting it with your own neediness and jolting when it brushed it your clit. Your walls hummed as it entered into you, and you pushed yourself to lie flat as you pulsed it through your entrance. Your jaw hung agape, eyes rolling back and your unoccupied hand found your clit, fingers rubbing circles with satisfying pressure. The toy wasn't nearly as fulfilling as Kylo, but it was buzzing inside your gut and you found the perfect angle to massage your g-spot. Warmth was building quickly in your core and you panted through parted lips, eyes squeezed shut. </p><p> </p><p>You must not have noticed the sound of the shower switching off or the door of the bathroom opening.</p><p> </p><p>"Enjoying yourself?"</p><p> </p><p>You yelped and pulled the toy out while clicking it off, clamping your legs shut. Kylo was standing at the end of the bed, a towel wrapped around his waist, smirking. His hair was dripping, eyelashes dark with water. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't stop on my account," he said with amusement, stepping back and gesturing to the wet vibrator in your hand. </p><p> </p><p>You eyed him nervously as you opened your legs again and rubbed the head of the toy through your folds. He nodded and you bit your lip as you pushed it into you again, sighing as the vibrating pressure returned to your walls. Kylo hummed in approval and started for the closet, head turned to watch you as he moved. He disappeared, only for a moment, before returning in a pair of briefs with one hand holding a collection of hangers. He set the suit--shirt, blazer, and trousers--at the end of the bed, eyes glued to the toy moving in and out of you, pulsing and grinding against your walls. Your chest was rising quickly, the rosy peaks of your breasts hard under his gaze. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo pulled his clothes from the hanger, one by one, slipping his arms through the dress shirt and buttoning the opening, stare settled on your dripping cunt and moving fingers. He got dressed quickly and you couldn't help but notice the bulge beneath his briefs as he zipped his pants. He disappeared again, this time through the bathroom door, returning in only seconds with a toothbrush in his mouth. He leaned against the doorframe, brushing his teeth, greedy eyes studying the way your back arched and your legs twitched each time the toy hit your nerves. </p><p> </p><p>He left again and you took the opportunity to breathe heavier and squirm freely, releasing the whimpers you had been holding back. Your fingers felt like magic working on your clit, and the toy vibrating against your walls was pure euphoria. You flinched at the sight of his return. His hair was combed, fingers running some sort of product through his waves. He moved to the edge of the bed and you hesitated under his sight. You could't imagine what you looked like--sleepy hair and flushed cheeks, fingers rubbing quick circles into your bud. The warmth in your core had grown, pressure in your cunt expanding. If you were going any faster, you were sure you would be coming by now, but you held off, unsure of what he expected. </p><p> </p><p>"You can come," he said lowly, towering over you, eyes flickering between your cunt and face. </p><p> </p><p>You increased your pace and watched his stern, focused expression as you came, legs trembling against the sheets. Your clit burned under your fingers, your cunt clenching around the buzzing toy. You forgot to be shy. Whimpers and moans pushed out of your throat and you jolted through the aftershocks, propelled by his desirous gaze. You whined as you pulled the toy out, careful to avoid your sensitive clit. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo hummed with satisfaction and you sat up slowly. A few deep breaths, and slow blinks, transitioned you out of the fog of bliss as your cheeks burned. </p><p> </p><p>"Your turn?" you asked, reaching for his belt.</p><p> </p><p>He nodded and you slipped the leather strap out of the buckle before moving to unzip his slacks. As soon as his cock was uncovered you took it into your hands, pumping his shaft and eyeing the raised veins and pink skin. He was incredibly hard already, which wasn't completely surprising, and despite your recent orgasm, your cunt was aching to be filled by him.</p><p> </p><p>You shifted to pry your legs open but his hand pressed to your knee, stopping you. </p><p> </p><p>"I have to go soon," he said with shallow breath.</p><p> </p><p>You nodded, struggling to conceal your disappointment, and leaned down to run your tongue over his tip as you continued to stroke him. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll have to be quick then," you announced before sliding him into your mouth, studying his relaxed expression. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't have much time to waste now, so you started as deep as you could, ignoring the tears gathering in your eyes as you let him press into the back of your throat. Both of his hands gripped the back of your head, fingers tangling and tugging your hair. You hollowed your cheeks and bobbed against him, tongue teasing the spot below his head every time it brushed past. Kylo kept his eyes on you, admiring the sight with parted lips and heavy eyelids. His hair was still damp around his face, but you could see the gentle waves forming already. </p><p> </p><p>"You do so good for daddy," he mumbled under his ragged breath. </p><p> </p><p>You hummed around him and he groaned, one hand leaving your hair to grasp either side of your jaw. He squeezed gently, examining how wide you had to stretch to fit him. His other hand pushed against you, forcing you farther onto him until your nose hit his pelvis. You gagged and sputtered around his length, but you remained in place, letting him thrust his cock into your throat. Spit dripped down your chin, splattering your breasts, and you could faintly feel warm tears trailing down your cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was maintaining his new confidence from the previous night--moans escaping him with unbothered ease. The sound of his relief brought warmth to your core and you whimpered as  the tip of his cock scraped the wall of your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh fuck," he mumbled, leaning his head back for a moment, chest rising deeply. "I'm going to come and you're going to swallow it." His grip on your jaw tightened. "Do you understand?"</p><p> </p><p>You moaned and nodded as much as your position would allow. His cock twitched against your tongue, and you braced yourself. Warm cum shot into your throat, pooling in the space behind your tongue and coating your mouth as he continued thrusting into you. His moans were low and deep, and you gagged around him, choking on his load as your vision blurred with tears. He pulled out as soon as his peak ended and he watched expectantly, chest rising quickly with relieved breath. You closed your lips quickly and attempted to swallow, but there was air lodged in your throat and you coughed, cum brimming at your lips until it mixed with the spit on your chin. You hurried to swallow the remains as your cheeks burned with embarrassment. Kylo stepped away and you moved to rest against the headboard, taking strangled breaths until he returned. </p><p> </p><p>He kneeled at the edge of the bed, chest still heaving slightly, and reached a damp towel to your face. Kylo watched his movements as he dragged away the sperm and spit that had dribbled over your chin and chest. He wiped with gentle pressure, pressing one finger under your jaw to angle your chin higher as he cleaned you. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," you whispered, still timid at the memory of your lame attempt at swallowing. He didn't reply until his fingers had wiped away the tears that painted your cheeks. He leaned down to brush his nose against yours before pressing his mouth to yours. His lips were puffy in the morning and exquisitely warm. </p><p> </p><p>"Never apologize," he said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>He stepped away and left the bedroom, throwing one last glance over his shoulder before he disappeared. You scrambled to slip his shirt back over your head, and rushed into the bathroom to clean up, before following after him with bare, hurried feet. You waited at the kitchen counter, returning your attention to your cooling coffee, as he ruffled through his office. He emerged with a briefcase, looking especially serious. </p><p> </p><p>It was a seemingly domestic moment. Any outsider looking in would have seen a normal couple--a business man kissing his lover goodbye, promising to be home before six and arguing about what take out would be ordered for dinner that night. Although Kylo didn't speak, his kiss was just as sweet, but the blankness behind the gesture made your stomach knot. You forced a smile as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out his leather wallet. His fingers found a familiar heavy, black credit card and he held it out to you.</p><p> </p><p>"Whatever you want," he said plainly as you accepted it with nervous twitching fingertips. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't feel good about having this for very long," you said.</p><p> </p><p>It was his credit card, after all. You assumed your next meeting would be in a day or two, and you hated the idea of it sitting in your faded wallet, tucked away somewhere in your shitty apartment. The responsibility of keeping it safe seemed too daunting.</p><p> </p><p>"Meet me for lunch," he said. He pulled his coat from the back of a barstool and you frowned. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, well, it's--sure, okay," you said slowly, trying to hide the stress that pulled the corners of your mouth towards the floor.</p><p> </p><p>"Why the hesitation?" he asked. His expression was bordering on anger now and you rushed to assure him. </p><p> </p><p>"I was supposed to get lunch with Ivy, but it's okay. She'll understand." It wasn't a lie, either. You knew she would have cancelled on you if Poe had asked her to be somewhere.</p><p> </p><p>"Ivy can come," Kylo announced and started for the door. </p><p> </p><p>You blinked at the wide stretch of his shoulders as he twisted the metal handle. He paused halfway through the doorframe to glance back at you.</p><p> </p><p>"See you at lunch then," you said quietly, this time with a small genuine smile. </p><p> </p><p>He nodded, eyes dragging over your figure, before he stepped forward and closed the door behind him.</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>"Just leave them," Ivy hissed, glaring at the space beneath your chair. </p><p> </p><p>You tried again to shove the collection of shopping bags to rest between your feet under the white table cloth. Kylo would be here any minute, and you felt suddenly aware of how many bags you had acquired. He had said you could get anything, as always, but still the guilt was ringing through your gut. </p><p> </p><p>"I feel weird," you argued. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy rolled her eyes and snatched a few bags from your grip, shoving them under her own chair and giving you a final warning glare. You raised your palms in surrender and mumbled a grateful thank you. The waiter appeared behind you and peppily asked for your drink order. You flinched at her sudden appearance, pushing your palm against your chest, and took a deep breath as Ivy ordered. </p><p> </p><p>"Iced tea for me, please," you said, and chewed at your nip nervously. You couldn't stop glancing at the front entrance. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo arrived minutes later, looking just as handsome as when he had left this morning, only now his hair was completely dry. He took his seat with confidence, making some excuse about being late, but you barely noticed. You thought about this morning--the way he had watched you come. After he had left, you may have had to use the toy a couple more times. Despite this, you were still feeling needy and in awe of his wide build. Ivy offered him a formal greeting, paired with a handshake, which he accepted and returned. You squinted between them, feeling strange about the image--Ivy and Kylo politely sitting across from each other at lunch as if there was nothing weird about it. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy had been so shocked at the idea. You were in the middle of Nordstrom when she paused, a bundle of hangers in her grip. </p><p> </p><p>"He wants me to come to your lunch?" she had asked, face furrowed in an astounded frown. </p><p> </p><p>You had assured her that he had made the offer without much hesitation. </p><p> </p><p>"That's not normal, you know. I've never had a sugar daddy let me bring friends to our meetings," she had said with raised eyebrows and pursed lips. </p><p> </p><p>At the time you had shrugged, confident with the situation. Now that you were sitting here at the table, surrounded by your best friend and a man with whom you held great affection for, your sureness was dwindling. Kylo and Ivy seemed at ease, both of them scanning the menu as you blinked at them. Kylo caught your gaze and mouthed a bemused, "What?" You shrugged and shook your head quickly, turning your attention to the entrees. </p><p> </p><p>As it turns out, if you place two charming people at a table together, they'll get along just fine. Ivy asked Kylo questions, somewhat strange ones, about his work, which he answered confidently, though all his replies were void of any real meaning. Then she asked him a bit about Harvard, which he seemed even more hesitant to discuss. You jumped in with a smile and small sweet comments to assure him that this was a nonthreatening conversation. It took a few minutes of him skating through with vague answers before he finally started to speak up. </p><p> </p><p>He had his masters in business. He enjoyed math. He had his pilot's license (you couldn't remember exactly how that fact had gotten woven into the conversation, but you were pleased nonetheless). He took latin and can somewhat communicate with it through writing and reading but not verbally. He was a bit of a partier for his first couple years, but Snoke lead him to become more serious about his education for the next few. Past the stern expression, there was a fond glint in his eyes as he spoke about the old days. </p><p> </p><p>You tried to soak up all the information and imprint it in your mind. Every time he said something explicitly personal, your heart flinched. More and more opportunities for him to regret his words. More chances that he might wake up tomorrow and wonder why he had revealed so much, especially of his past, even if it was all harmless information. The thought scared you, so once you felt he had shared to his limit, you quickly changed the conversation. </p><p> </p><p>It was Ivy's turn to share, and you knew she would have no problem with that. She talked about you occasionally, the adventures you had experienced together and small memories of ridiculous circumstances you had found yourselves in. Like the time you were at a party and she was looking everywhere for you, and in the end you were sitting on the roof of your parked car staring at the star's and tripping out of your mind. You laughed and scolded her for sharing it, but the grin on Kylo's face made you very grateful she had told that story. Every time she mentioned your name, both her and Kylo would glance at you, and for those few seconds you felt perfectly taken care of and admired. </p><p> </p><p>The only time you didn't appreciate Ivy's blabbering was when she mentioned one of your past hookups and you had to avoid Kylo's gaze for a full two minutes. He wasn't allowed to be mad, and yet you almost wanted him to. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy asked Kylo about Wicked, which you found humorous since she had already made you explain every detail a month ago. They discussed New York for a short while. At some point Kylo mentioned 'while he was growing up' and your heart swelled at the thought of him so innocent and young. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you think you'll make it back to New York sometime soon?" Ivy asked between a bite of chicken. </p><p> </p><p>You froze, fork stuffed with leaves of lettuce, and listened intently for his answer. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll be there for the start of next week, actually," Kylo said, eyeing you. </p><p> </p><p>You weren't sure if you should feel thrilled or disappointed. He hadn't mentioned it this morning, but it seemed like something that could be forgotten in the heat of a moment. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo didn't say anything else about it, which you expected. If he was going to invite you, he wasn't going to do it in front of Ivy. She threw you a concerned glance and you patted her knee under the table assuredly. </p><p> </p><p>At the end of lunch, as you all slipped into your coats, Ivy announced that she was going to run to the bathroom. She threw you a 'fingers crossed' as she snaked through the crowd of tables. </p><p> </p><p>"You guys get along well," you said over your shoulder to Kylo as you made your way to the front of the restaurant. He stepped in front of you to push at the door, holding it open once he stepped through, and you muttered a thank you. </p><p> </p><p>"She's very good at making people talk," he mumbled and handed the valet his ticket. </p><p> </p><p>"How so?"</p><p> </p><p>Despite the dry, frigid air, he radiated warmth--glowing eyes, pale skin, soft lips. You swooned under his gaze and stepped closer to him, your sides almost pressed together. </p><p> </p><p>"She asks questions like she really does want to know," he said, hazel irises trapping you in his attention.</p><p> </p><p>You nodded slowly and watched the cloud of warm air leave his lips as it met the cold. "I think she really does, though."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm."</p><p> </p><p>His fingers found your waist and you relaxed against him, the back of your head burrowing in his shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>"You're going to New York?" you asked quietly. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>There was brief pause where your heart felt twisted and strangled, and then he chuckled, his ribs vibrating against your side. </p><p> </p><p>"You think you're not invited?" he said with amusement. </p><p> </p><p>You glared up at him and shrugged. Kylo took a deep breath as the Porsche pulled in front of you. He leaned down to press his lips to yours. They were cool from the stale air, but just as comforting. It wasn't a long kiss, but it was deep and slow. It almost felt real. </p><p> </p><p>"We leave on Monday," he said.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Too Many Truths</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning: drug use<br/>I understand that for people who don't have a lot of experience, you might not catch on to what drug/method of intake (?) they are using. I will put a note at the bottom of the chapter to explain if you get to the drug use part and you're confused. I don't want to spoil it here!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Monday arrived faster than expected. Before you knew it, you were scrambling through your room, stuffing extra items into your suitcase and double checking that you remembered your toothbrush. </p><p> </p><p>The drive to New York was quiet. Kylo was silent, though you sensed it was purely from exhaustion. He looked as he had two days ago, heavy eyelids and pouty lips. At first, you stayed in your seat, staring out the window, but as time passed, you gravitated towards him until your side was nuzzled into his and you could smell his shampoo. You sat in comfortable silence, though you could sense that his mind was turning. He had mentioned something about a presentation he couldn't be late for, and every minute or so his fingers would flinch. You imagined that he was reviewing his planned words in his head.</p><p> </p><p>You parted with him at the hotel, after you had both carried your luggage up the elevator and into the same room you had stayed in one month ago.</p><p> </p><p>"Good luck with you presentation," you said after you lifted on your toes to press a short kiss on his lips. "Are you nervous?"</p><p> </p><p>He shook his head. "Of course not."</p><p> </p><p>He gave you his credit card before he left, which once again made your gut knot. You had already spent his money recently, so you held back this time, only buying a few luxury items. Most of your day was spent shopping, or pretending to shop, broken up by shamelessly sight seeing in the most typical spots. </p><p> </p><p>Your day to yourself was not spent without purpose, however. You had a plan. First, you visited a bakery and then a cheesy souvenir store, both of which you utilized your own credit card for. The corner Walgreens was next where you picked up some last details. By 5:00 you were in the room setting up, anxious for his arrival. You paced along the edge of the bed, smoothing your damp palms over your mini skirt. Beneath your layers, a new red lingerie set hugged your skin. Considering your other surprises, you weren't even sure it would end up being admired. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo walked through the door at 6 p.m. looking tired and tense. You stood in front of the marble table, and greeted him with a wide smile and a small, "Hi."</p><p> </p><p>"Hi." He moved to stand in front of you and you let him peck your lips before you stepped aside, baring the table to his vision. </p><p> </p><p>On one of the borrowed hotel plates, was a simple cupcake decorated with two plastic numbers, 32, and a single red candle. Next to that was a black box, and a small gift bag. Kylo blinked at the display as you shifted nervously between your feet.</p><p> </p><p>"I missed your birthday," you explained while you reached out, a lighter gripped in your fingers, and ran the flickering flame over the tip of the candle. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo's expression was somewhere between surprise and discomfort. His brow was slightly furrowed and his eyes held a glaring bewilderment. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't like birthdays," he announced. </p><p> </p><p>You watched a stream of wax drip from the flame into the icing. </p><p> </p><p>"Technically, it's not even your birthday," you added quietly. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo took a deep breath and plucked the plastic numbers from the icing. Your heart sank for a moment. But your worrying ceased when he placed them back, this time in reverse order--23. You laughed with relief, eyes scrunching and lips pulling wider. </p><p> </p><p>"Much better," you said excitedly and watched as the corners of his mouth tugged faintly upwards . "Make a wish." You gestured towards the candle. Kylo's face screwed up in uncertainty and you chuckled. "Would you rather I did it?" He tore his eyes from the cupcake for the first time to look at you. Accepting that as a yes, you leaned forward and blew a puff of air, killing the small flame. You did make a wish. One that you had a terrible suspicion would never come true. "Open your gifts," you encouraged. </p><p> </p><p>He cleared his throat and loosened his tie, slipping it over his head and plopping it onto the table. He started with the bag, glancing at you suspiciously as he pulled away the tissue paper. He held it like he didn't quite know what to do with it, so you reached out quickly and took it from him, nodding towards the bag. Finally he reached in and took out his gift. A mug with the classic 'I heart NY' across the front. You chewed on your lip as he stared at it. </p><p> </p><p>"It's kind of a joke, you know, because it's cheesy and touristy, and you're not a tourist," you explained, before adding, "You're really hard to shop for because I'm pretty sure if you wanted something you would already own it."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo set the mug onto the table and met your gaze. "It's funny," he said with a small nod.</p><p> </p><p>You laughed and nudged the handle with your thumb. "It's really not."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo laughed too and you savored the innocent moment. He reached for the box and you held your breath this time. You weren't sure whether this gift would be received well. His brows furrowed when he slipped the lid off and he looked to you immediately with confusion.</p><p> </p><p>"That's a joke too," you said quickly. You leaned forward to glance at the item in the box-- a silver cylinder with it's transparent cartridge filled with amber liquid. "It's an oil pen. I don't even know if you like pot. We don't have to actually do it if you don't want to. Gah, I'm not very good at giving gifts, am I? I accidentally only got you joke gifts."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo's expression remained in confusion for a few seconds, until his lips parted in a humored grin. </p><p> </p><p>"First Molly, now this? You really just want to see me high, don't you?" </p><p> </p><p>You shrugged with a shy giggle. </p><p> </p><p>"I smoked in college," he added.</p><p> </p><p>"Is that a yes?" </p><p> </p><p>He stared at the silver pen for a moment. "Yes."</p><p> </p><p>Smoking with Kylo turned out to be less terrifying than you had built it up to be. You sat on the bathroom floor, shoulder to shoulder, the ceiling vent rumbling above you, and passed the pen back and forth without much conversation. Kylo never coughed or sputtered, and he held the tainted air in his lungs for longer than you could. You only coughed a couple times, but when you did, you blushed and shot his amused expression a glare. </p><p> </p><p>At first, the only difference was that your neck felt loose and you let your head rest against the wall. Then it creeped in more, and there was a tingling under the skin of your arms and your eyelids grew heavier. Time was moving slowly and quickly at once-- every moment that passed seemed to melt from your mind.</p><p> </p><p>"I think I'm high now," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>You turned your neck and examined him. Kylo was blinking slowly, head leaned back like yours. His shoulders were relaxed and his breath was slow under his chest. </p><p> </p><p>"I forgot about dinner. I should have ordered us something," you sighed and shut your eyes, flopping your head to rest on his shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you hungry?" he asked, his words deep and rhythmic.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah."</p><p> </p><p>"Me too."</p><p> </p><p>You pressed your palms to the tile beneath you and pushed yourself to stand. The air felt heavy. "We could order room service," you suggested, reaching your hand out to him.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo took a deep breath and swatted your hand away before rising to follow you out of the bathroom. He moved slower than normal, which somehow made him seem taller. As he collapsed onto the bed, you plucked the menu from the nightstand and settled next to him. </p><p> </p><p>"What do you want?" you mumbled, holding the paper pamphlet where both of you could see it.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo scooted closer to you and squinted at the list of options. He groaned and shrugged. "I don't know. Just order one of everything."</p><p> </p><p>You huffed and grabbed the bulky phone from it's place on the nightstand. You mumbled the directions out loud as you punched the buttons--"Dial 430 for room service." As the line rang, you studied Kylo's position. He was laying on his back, hair splayed across the mattress, and his eyes were focused on the sealing, blinking slowly, head swaying gently from side to side.</p><p> </p><p>You announced your name through the speaker and proceeded to order six dishes. Kylo had said to order everything, but that seemed like not only a waste but a bother to the people who would have to prepare the food. You tried to order a mix of what you liked and what Kylo liked, although you got the impression that he wasn't picky. You said a bright thank you before you hung up and rolled onto your back, flinging your arm over Kylo's.</p><p> </p><p>"I think they said it's gonna take twenty minutes," you mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo groaned. "That's too long."</p><p> </p><p>"Eat the cupcake if you're hungry," you argued. "And take off your suit. You can't be high in a suit, it doesn't make sense." </p><p> </p><p>Kylo slid off the bed and you watched as he undressed, neatly setting his suit on the end of the bed. He had a bit of trouble with the buttons on his shirt and you giggled each time his fingers slipped away from the plastic bits. He ignored you and moved to snatch the cupcake from the table. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you going to put on clothes?" you asked as he peeled the paper away from the ridges of the cake. </p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>"That's not fair."</p><p> </p><p>"You don't have to wear clothes either," he pointed out before taking a bite.</p><p> </p><p>"Someone has to answer the door when the food comes," you reminded him. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo finished the rest of the cupcake in two big bites and crawled across the mattress to collapse next to you again. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you feel good?" you asked, shifting on your side to watch his chest rise and fall. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, do you?"</p><p> </p><p>You nodded. "You should play a song."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm?"</p><p> </p><p>"On your phone. Play something."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo shuffled through the pockets of his folded trousers at the end of the bed. He laid back with his phone in hand, the bright screen reflecting white light onto his nose. "You pick," he sighed and dropped the phone onto your stomach. </p><p> </p><p>You groaned at the impact and laughed, scooting closer to him until your cheek was pressed to his bare chest. With a bit of difficulty, your fingers found the search bar and after a few misspellings, you managed to type in your choice.</p><p> </p><p>"This is Ivy and I's goto trip song," you murmured, enjoying the warmth of his body. Your head felt light, a soft hot buzzing in the base of your neck. </p><p> </p><p>"Never heard it."</p><p> </p><p>You raised the screen to show him the title. <em>Yes I'm changing--Tame Impala.</em></p><p> </p><p>"Hmm," is all he offered. </p><p> </p><p>You listened to the song in silence. Over a month ago, maybe almost two--you didn't feel like doing the math now--you had been here, in New York with Kylo. Back then, everything had been different. Back then, the guilt of using his money weighed heavier on your chest. Back then, you lived in a state of dread, anticipating the end. Now you lived in a new state--a place of hope. It wasn't easy hope. It was the kind of hope that pulled at every limb. It was desperate, needy, overwhelmingly panicked hope. You almost preferred the old state of dread. The ignorance back then really was bliss. If he had left you then, you would have ached for a few weeks and Christmas would have come and gone, and you would have been okay. If he left you now, you knew those pieces of your heart that had been slowly chipped away, would crack and fall. The pain was hard to even think about. But now, with a fog of peace floating through your conscious, you couldn't help but think that things would turn out okay after all. As the song ended, you typed a new name into the search bar: <em>Blue Cellophane--BabyJake.</em></p><p> </p><p>"You like New York," you stated as the beginning of the new tune started. </p><p> </p><p>You felt his chest move as he shifted slightly beneath you. "Yes."</p><p> </p><p>"You have a lot of good memories here?" You held your breath as you waited for his answer. You could tell his mind was whirring. </p><p> </p><p>"Not really, but maybe a few."</p><p> </p><p>"Tell me about them, if you want."</p><p> </p><p>Minutes passed, though it felt like hours, and you blinked at the fuzzy ceiling above you. Kylo's chest rumbled as he spoke, and you leaned your ear against him harder, enjoying the way his breath vibrated through his ribs. </p><p> </p><p>"My parents took me to the theatre sometimes, and afterwards they'd get me ice cream."</p><p> </p><p>"That sounds really nice," you said assuredly. "What's your favorite ice cream?"</p><p> </p><p>Kylo thought for a moment. "As a kid? Mint chip."</p><p> </p><p>You grinned and traced your fingers along the slope of muscle on his abdomen. "Cute. What else?"</p><p> </p><p> "I don't know if there's much else."</p><p> </p><p>"The rest are bad memories?" you asked, brushing your lips against his skin. </p><p> </p><p>"I guess."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>You pushed to rest on the pillow beside him, your eyes meeting at the same height. You ran your finger along his jaw and brushed your nose against his. The whites of his eyes were stained with red. You took a deep breath before you questioned him further. The fuzziness of your mind was aiding your bravery. </p><p> </p><p>"You didn't like your parents?"</p><p> </p><p>There was a long pause. His breath picked up slightly, his chest rising quicker under your cheek. You could hear his heart hammering against his ribcage. </p><p> </p><p>"They didn't like me," he answered.</p><p> </p><p>There was a dropping feeling in your gut and you stared at him, mouth frozen into parted surprise. That single sentence held the impossible weight of his misery and distrust. </p><p> </p><p>"Why...Why do you think that?" you asked, struggling to conceal the pity in your tone. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo avoided your gaze as he rolled over to lay on his back again. You copied his actions and waited for the battle in his mind to subside.</p><p> </p><p>"Ask something more specific," he said quietly. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay," you said, pausing to think. "What's your mom's name?"</p><p> </p><p>"Leia." He said it so quickly you almost flinched. You immediately recognized it. The man, Luke, from the last time you were in New York, had mentioned that name. <em>Leia would love to see you.</em></p><p> </p><p>"That's a nice name," you said softly, and shifted to tuck your head into the crook of his neck. His skin beneath you was hot and almost sticky with sweat, but you didn't mind. "Do you miss her?"</p><p> </p><p>His arm slipped around your shoulder, fingers skimming the curve of your waist. "I don't know."</p><p> </p><p>"How long has it been?" Now that he was sharing, you didn't want to stop asking questions. It felt like this was your only chance. </p><p> </p><p>"Ten years. College graduation."</p><p> </p><p>"What was it like?" you asked.</p><p> </p><p>"She was trying to smile," he sighed and slipped his fingers away from your skin. "But I could tell she didn't want to be there."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry, Kylo," you whispered, and despite the fact that you could feel him pulling away, you pressed against him harder, draping your arm around his torso. "What about your dad?"</p><p> </p><p>"He was there too."</p><p> </p><p>"Is that the last time you saw him?"</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>You paused, scared to do any more prodding, especially since he seemed so hesitant. A part of you felt guilty for digging into his past when he was too high to be cautious. In your defense, you were high too, and when you tried to remember the exact conversation that had just occurred, you only came up with a muddled mess. You lay in silence, Kylo's body completely still beneath you. In fact, he was so still you wondered if he had fallen asleep, but one glance at his face, and his opened eyes told you he was awake, just thinking.</p><p> </p><p>He spoke suddenly and you jolted out of the fuzzy line of thought you had been whirling down.</p><p> </p><p>"They had their own business while I was growing up. I never saw much of them."</p><p> </p><p>You couldn't find words to comfort him. How could you possibly attempt to fix the pain of his past? Instead, you dragged your fingers along his arm and placed a small kiss to the soft skin of his neck. He must have accepted this as encouragement because he continued. </p><p> </p><p>"For high school, they sent me to my uncle's boarding school. The man you met the last time we were here--that was my uncle."</p><p> </p><p>His uncle. You remembered what he had told you that night. <em>That man thinks I'm a cruel person. </em>'That man' had been his uncle. His own family. </p><p> </p><p>"Did you like it there?" you asked. </p><p> </p><p>"Sometimes. I felt..." he sighed and turned his head away from you, staring at the wide windows. "I guess I felt out of place."</p><p> </p><p>You squeezed your eyes closed in an attempt to contain your pity. You knew he didn't want it. </p><p> </p><p>"After we saw your uncle, you said he...thought you were cruel," you said quietly, though it was more of a question.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>You pursed your lips and took a deep breath, inhaling the familiar scent of his cologne. It felt unfair to keep pushing and pushing him. He didn't really owe you an explanation of his past, but you wanted to understand it. If only to show him that it was possible for someone to care.</p><p> </p><p>"Did he say that?" you asked.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo sat up suddenly, sliding away from you to sit on the edge of the bed, head hanging with drugged exhaustion. You sat up too, but didn't reach for him. </p><p> </p><p>"I overheard him speaking to my parents. He said I was unwell, too aggressive. He said--" Kylo took a deep breath, and you watched the muscles in his back expand. "He was afraid of who I would grow up to become."</p><p> </p><p>Your throat suddenly felt tight, and you frowned, grateful that he couldn't see your horrified expression. </p><p> </p><p>"I was fourteen," he added.</p><p> </p><p>You swallowed the lump of angry sympathy in your throat. "He seemed happy to see you in November."</p><p> </p><p>"He was just surprised," he said gruffly. </p><p> </p><p>"Was he unkind when you were attending his school?" you asked softly, reaching your fingers out but hesitating in the air inches from his skin.</p><p> </p><p>"He didn't trust me. But Snoke did."</p><p> </p><p>You licked your lips. "Snoke was there?"</p><p> </p><p>"He's a Harvard alumnus, and Luke's school was considered prestigious, so Snoke came to speak, or persuade us, a few times. He said he saw a lot in me, raw power and something special, like my grandfather."</p><p> </p><p>"Who...who was your grandfather?" you asked timidly. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo pushed himself off the bed and lowered to sit on the floor, his neck resting against the edge of the mattress. He was trying to separate himself from you more and more, and you were going to let him.</p><p> </p><p>"He was powerful. Ruthless. And well-known in New York for being so. I don't want to speak about him."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, that's okay," you assured him quickly. </p><p> </p><p>The rapping of a fist against the front door made you jump. "The food," you mumbled and climbed off the bed, glancing at your outfit--for a moment, you couldn't remember if you had gotten undressed or not. Your sweater and skirt were still snug around you. You didn't look at Kylo as you scrambled to the door. </p><p> </p><p>A man wearing a black uniform stood in front of you, hands gripping the handles of a rolling cart. </p><p> </p><p>"Good evening," he said politely. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, hi." You were suddenly aware of how heavy your eyelids were and how flushed you felt. You wondered if he could sense your lack of sobriety. He motioned inside, asking to come in, and you glanced back at where Kylo was leaning against the bed, barely dressed. </p><p> </p><p>"You can just leave it here," you said, forcing a smile. He cocked his head slightly and glanced into the space behind you. "It's okay. Thank you so much."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded and stepped away with hesitation. You tugged the cart inside, slamming the door behind you.</p><p> </p><p>"Come eat," you said quietly, uncovering the plates until you found the dish of fancy mac and cheese you had been waiting for. Kylo didn't move. He was completely still, back leaned against the side of the bed. His eyes were glued to the rug beneath him, heavy eyelids blinking slowly. You could sense the dull hum of pain surrounding him. You could no longer recall what you had ordered, so you lifted the top of the five remaining plates. Pasta. Chicken tenders (that one was for you). A sandwich. Some unappetizing steak. A bowl of cereal. You added two dishes to your hold, and placed the cereal and pasta in front of Kylo gently, before settling on the bed behind him. You grabbed the remote from the nightstand and pressed the power button, finding a random channel to help distract Kylo's mind. When he picked up the bowl of pasta, you felt a surge of relief. </p><p> </p><p>You ate in silence other than the chattering of the random movie. You couldn't focus on the screen--your eyes were glued to the back of his head, waiting for a signal of emotion. When he had cleared both dishes and the credits of the movie started rolling, there was a stifling silence in the space. The room was dim, only the light of the bathroom cutting through the darkness. The lights of the city glittered beyond the window, and despite the beauty of the sight, you could only feel sorrow.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you think your parents believed what Luke said?" you asked. You knew you shouldn't, but the words pushed past your tongue before you could stop them.</p><p> </p><p>He nodded, wavy hair bobbing. "They said that's why they sent me there, to his school."</p><p> </p><p>Your next question felt heavy on your tongue--relief mixed with dread burst in your throat as soon as you spoke it. "Do you believe they don't love you?" you whispered. This time, you did touch him. You reached out and stroked your fingers through his hair, separating the loose curls and grazing his scalp. </p><p> </p><p>"As soon as I turned eighteen, I left and they never came looking for me."</p><p> </p><p>There was a prickling behind your eyelids. Tears started to pool, and you tried to blink them away. He couldn't know the sympathy you held, the way his words stung your heart. </p><p> </p><p>"Maybe they just couldn't find you," you suggested. </p><p> </p><p>"No. Snoke said they knew I was at Harvard."</p><p> </p><p>"Snoke..." Your fingers paused, drenched in his silky strands. "What else has Snoke said about them?"</p><p> </p><p>"He says they're afraid of me, and that's why they don't care for me."</p><p> </p><p>Your lips were parted in disgust, your eyes filling quicker with warm tears. "Why would they be afraid of you?" you croaked. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm cruel."</p><p> </p><p>"You're not," you said quickly. "What else has he said?"</p><p> </p><p>"He says I shouldn't miss them, that its a waste of time to worry about people who don't want to see me succeed."</p><p> </p><p>You started to wish you hadn't eaten the mac and cheese. Your throat burned and you thought you might throw up, acid itching at your stomach. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo..." you whispered, slipping from the bed until you were seated on the floor and peering at his face. He was blank. Empty eyes staring into the distance, jaw soft with indifference. "Maybe, Snoke lies sometimes."</p><p> </p><p>He looked at you immediately and furrowed his brow, anger etching itself onto the corners of his expression. "I owe everything to Snoke."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded slowly, a single tear dripping down your cheek. You shifted to flip around, feet extended under the bed, face close to his. </p><p> </p><p>"You can be grateful, and still doubt his guidance sometimes." You gulped and leaned forward to brush your nose to his. His breath was quick and warm against your face. "I think he's wrong. It's been years. You can't always wait for them to reach out first. You might have to be the one to start it."</p><p> </p><p>"They have reached out." His voice was bland, almost manual.</p><p> </p><p>Your face fell and you rubbed your fingertips over your lips. "Then maybe they miss you."</p><p> </p><p>"They don't."</p><p> </p><p>"Why do you think that?"</p><p> </p><p>"Snoke--"</p><p> </p><p>"No," you interrupted. "I'm not asking what Snoke thinks, now. Is there any reason, other than what Snoke has told you, that would make you think they don't care for you?"</p><p> </p><p>"They ignored me. I barely saw them growing up. They thought I was inhumane."</p><p> </p><p>"I understand," you said softly. Your heart ached with him, prickles of pity tingling through your chest. "But you can't be sure of that, especially now, when it's been so long."</p><p> </p><p>"Why are you pushing with this?" he snapped. Though his tone was harsh his eyes were desperate, pleading in pain. </p><p> </p><p>"Because I think someone has convinced you of false things, and I think you deserve the truth." You hesitated before adding. "Can I ask one more question?"</p><p> </p><p>He didn't nod, but he peered into your eyes and you saw his lips twitch.</p><p> </p><p>"Why did he call you Ben?" you asked quietly.</p><p> </p><p>His jaw tightened. You could sense the storm rumbling through his mind, begging him not to tell you. But the drug was fighting it away. "That was my name until I graduated. Snoke thought it would be a good idea for me to have a new one, a fresh start."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," you whispered, trying to wrap your head around the fact that the Kylo you knew and admired, had once been named Ben. You wondered if Ben had been another man entirely.</p><p> </p><p>There was a long gap of silence, and you couldn't find any more words to fill it. With a small sigh, you leaned forward rested against his chest, enjoying the warmth of his skin under your cheek. You could hear the faint whir of traffic outside, the almost ceaseless honking. Another movie had began, but you couldn't make out the words and you didn't want to. You just wanted to listen to his heartbeat.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm tired," he announced finally. Kylo untangled himself from you and plopped onto the mattress, situating his pillow beneath his head. You followed him slowly, feeling defeated and afraid. He laid with his back to you, but you couldn't let him fall asleep without any comfort. You couldn't leave him alone with the feelings you had prodded out of hiding. So you scooted forward until your chest was pressed to his back, and you kissed the nape of his neck lightly, curling into him. </p><p> </p><p>"Happy Birthday," you whispered. No answer. "Kylo...I think...you only deserve good things."</p><p> </p><p>He slowly shifted to roll over, facing you in the darkness. You immediately cuddled into his chest, face burrowed in his neck. </p><p> </p><p>"I wish I wasn't high," he said, voice deep and mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>A heavy pang of guilt invaded your chest. "Oh god, I'm sorry. Kylo, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have gotten you the pen."</p><p> </p><p>There was only silence.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm so sorry," you repeated. </p><p> </p><p>"Stop apologizing."</p><p> </p><p>The calmness of your high had turned into a sinking sadness, pulling you lower and lower into it's grasp. It grew deeper with the knowledge that Kylo was feeling the same way. You curled into him tightly, wanting to dissolve into his skin. </p><p> </p><p>He was beside you. He had told you of his past. </p><p> </p><p>And now, you had everything to lose.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>They are using an oil pen, which is essentially a vape, like an electric cigarette. In this case, the vape contains marijuana basically. Feel free to google it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. New York is Cold in January too</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You startled awake and squinted into the bright light of the hotel. Your heart was beating rapidly, body sore with exhaustion. You tried to recall what had woken you, but your train of thought was interrupted by a loud knock on the door. </p><p> </p><p>"Coming!" you shouted and wiggled out of the sheets. Your limbs felt slightly stiff and your eyelids were still heavy, but you stumbled to the door with little trouble and yanked it open. </p><p> </p><p>Jack stood on the other side, an appropriate two steps away, looking nervous in his uniform. "Good morning."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, Jack. Hey, what um--," you glanced at your appearance, horrified to find that your mini skirt had slid around your waist in your sleep and was now sideways, the zipper obvious on your hip. "What are you doing here?"</p><p> </p><p>"Mr. Ren called me," he said. His feet didn't want to stay still, taking small steps that moved him nowhere, his fists curling and uncurling at his side. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay," you said slowly, raising your eyebrows as a pang of anxiety rang through your chest. Your conversation with Kylo had been intense. You pictured him waking up, quiet as he got ready so as not to wake you, replaying his words in his mind, lips pursed with regret. </p><p> </p><p>"He's instructed me to drive you home."</p><p> </p><p>Your face fell and your gut tightened. "We-we weren't supposed to go home until tomorrow."</p><p> </p><p>"That's the instructions I received. Change of plans, I guess," Jack said. His pitying expression spiked anger through your veins. </p><p> </p><p>"Is Kylo leaving too?" you asked sternly.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't think so."</p><p> </p><p>You sighed and pressed your forehead to side of the door. It was happening again. He was pushing you away. He wanted to hide. You weren't going to go through this again. You weren't going to be ignored. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you know where he is?" you asked, stepping back and gesturing for Jack to come inside.</p><p> </p><p>"At work?" Jack glanced around the room as you snatched your phone from the nightstand and opened the closet. </p><p> </p><p>"I mean exactly where, like do you know what building?" You pulled your sneakers from the floor and slipped into them. </p><p> </p><p>"I-I drove him there this morning," he replied. </p><p> </p><p>"Great," you brushed your fingers through your hair and pushed past him to enter the hallway. "You're going to take me there."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>Finding Kylo's office was not easy. First, you had to ask the front desk which floor was CorTech's. Apparently, several floors were owned by the company, but with a bit of specification, they directed you to the right one. </p><p> </p><p>You were greeted by a modern, gray lobby, filled with cushioned chairs and a large desk in front of glass double doors. Beyond the glass, were rows of fancy wooden cubicles, all filled with formally dressed workers. The young man sitting behind the front desk greeted you with a blindingly white smile.</p><p> </p><p>"How can I help you?" he asked politely. </p><p> </p><p>Frustration was buzzing in your ears. You had been patient before, but you weren't going to play that game again. You weren't going to wait around. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm here for Kylo Ren," you said, leaning to see more of the space behind the glass, hoping you might catch a glimpse of some proof of his whereabouts.</p><p> </p><p>The boy nodded and clicked a few buttons on his computer, pausing to frown, before clicking some more. "I don't see any private meetings for this morning," he said. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't have a meeting scheduled." You were getting restless, inching closer to the doors. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, I see. I can help you set one up. Tomorrow okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"No," you said immediately. "Where's his office?"</p><p> </p><p>"I can't tell you that Miss, but I'd be happy to--"</p><p> </p><p>You huffed and moved around the desk, grabbing at the metal door handle and stepping into the long room of cubicles. The boy jumped out of his seat to follow you, rambling behind you as you strutted along the side of the room, glancing at the plaques next to each door on the wall. </p><p> </p><p>"You're not allowed to see him without an appointment. Miss, please follow me back to the lobby and we will set one up. Mr. Ren is very particular about being interrupted--I believe it's in both of our best interest to not disrupt him."</p><p> </p><p>"Disrupt him," you mumbled, turning down a random hallway. "Yeah, I'm gonna fucking disrupt him."</p><p> </p><p>"Miss, please--"</p><p> </p><p>"Could you just tell me where his office is so that we both can get this over with?" you asked, entering into the main, busy space again, before finding a new hallway to explore. </p><p> </p><p>He sighed behind you, scrambling to catch up. "At the end, on the left," he mumbled under his breath. </p><p> </p><p>You flashed him a smile and rushed towards the door. The golden plaque beside it held Kylo's name and title. You took a preparatory breath before you turned the handle and swung it open. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo's New York office didn't differ much from his one in Boston. All black and gray and moody, as well as impersonal, bare of photographs. He was sitting behind a wide glass desk, looking regal and terrifying in an all black suit. He seemed genuinely shocked to see you, wide eyes and furrowed brows. He opened his mouth as to speak, but you beat him to it. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you said plainly. You had a full speech prepared but now that you were standing in front of him, you couldn't quite recall how it started.</p><p> </p><p>"Mr. Ren, I'm sorry. I tried to stop her," the boy behind you said quickly. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo cleared his throat, and pushed himself to stand. "You're excused," he said to the boy. </p><p> </p><p>You heard the door close behind you and you stepped further into the room, staring out the window that filled one wall. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm not leaving," you announced. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo's face was still screwed in confusion, only now there was a hint of fury. </p><p> </p><p>You continued. "I know you're probably feeling weird about last night, and that's fine, but you're not going to send me home and ignore me. I'm not doing this again with you. Just because you feel weird about this, doesn't mean you have to push me away."</p><p> </p><p>He blinked at you, shoulders stiff, spine frozen. His chest was rising quickly with surprise. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay," he said slowly, like he still wasn't certain of what was happening.  </p><p> </p><p>"Um, so I'm staying," you added with sense of finality.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, so good. Do--Should we talk about it more?" You pulled at your miniskirt, suddenly aware of how ridiculous you must look in the same clothes as yesterday. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't think so."</p><p> </p><p>The tension hanging in the air was awkward, stuffed with the weight of his shared secrets. </p><p> </p><p>"That's fine. Do you feel okay?" you questioned, quieter this time. Your main worry was that the Pandora's box of feelings that Kylo had opened last night, were going to weigh on him. You hated that your birthday surprise that was supposed to be fun, would instead be causing him pain.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, fine," he said shortly, not totally convincing. </p><p> </p><p>You rubbed your lips together and stepped towards him, circling his desk until you were staring at his chest. You reached out and adjusted his tie, thought it wasn't askew--you just wanted to touch him. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry if I pushed too hard. I didn't mean any harm," you said quietly.</p><p> </p><p>"I know."</p><p> </p><p>His expression was softer now. There may still have been a glint of hurt in his eye, but his relaxed jaw and puffy lips seemed to assure you of his stability. You nodded slowly and tilted your jaw towards him, eagerly pushing onto your tiptoes. He stared at your lips for a moment, a strange wave of emotion barely flashing over his face, so quick you almost didn't catch it, and then he leaned down and kissed you. His lips were minty and unhurried, swallowing your own with no sense of distress. You leaned into it, humming when his tongue slipped into your mouth. It was a small moment, but it felt like a lifetime and when he pulled away you both blinked at each other in a few seconds of silence, unspoken questions and admittances hanging in the air between you. You could feel the weight of the conversations that hadn't occurred, but you assumed, or maybe hoped, they would at some point. You wish you knew exactly what words he had trapped in his mind, what words he would have to force out. You weren't even sure you fully knew your own. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll see you this evening then," you said, clearing your throat and taking a step towards the door. </p><p> </p><p>"You're already here."</p><p> </p><p>You paused and stared at him over your shoulder, his hands tucked nervously away in his pockets. </p><p> </p><p>"I could show you around," he added. </p><p> </p><p>The CorTech office was impressive. Or maybe Kylo was just purposefully showing you the impressive bits. The most intriguing part was the array of advanced technology used throughout the company. There were smart boards instead of white boards, and fancy projections with touch features. Even the light switches had several buttons and voice commands. Kylo brought you to a conference room and leaned against the back wall, watching with amusement as you played with the smart board, moving items around and drawing lines and words over the screen. </p><p> </p><p>"Show me how you give presentations," you requested shyly, motioning towards the front of the room. Kylo frowned and gave you a puzzled look with pursed lips. "I want to see you in your natural environment."</p><p> </p><p>He was hesitant but he grudgingly moved to the front of the room, as you settled yourself on the edge of the long table. If one wall wasn't made entirely of glass, exposing you to the workers outside, you were sure this would have led to some sort of interesting 'Miss-Johnson-eyes-on-the-board-I-won't-tell-you-again' type of role-play. </p><p> </p><p>He moved to the computer that sat next to your legs, and focused on the screen as his fingers clicked at the keyboard. He glanced at your exposed thighs and then your face, a familiar darkness in his pupils. You smirked and nodded towards the glass walls, which made him huff. </p><p> </p><p>A gray screen popped up, filled with neat lines of words, though you couldn't completely grasp they're meaning. You grinned at him, which only seemed to agitate him, which in turn made you giggle. He clicked through a few slides, some with graphs and charts, some with rows of text. Despite your ignorance on what any of it meant, you could appreciate how neat it was, completely professional and organized. Nothing like the shitty presentations you remembered throwing together in high school. </p><p> </p><p>"You're good at that," you said eyeing his indifferent expression as he clicked the projection off. </p><p> </p><p>"What?"</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know, making those, I guess. It looked really good."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm."</p><p> </p><p>"How long did you work on that one?" you asked, pushing yourself off the table to stand. </p><p> </p><p>He shrugged. "A week."</p><p> </p><p>"You work hard." </p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>"It was a compliment," you clarified. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you." He looked visibly uncomfortable, tapping his black and red ring against the corner of the table. </p><p> </p><p>You gave him an endearing smile and stepped forward to kiss him, pausing halfway. You glanced at the glass wall and whispered a small, "Oh." </p><p> </p><p>"It's okay," he assured you and stepped forward to trap you in a quick but deep kiss. Butterflies swarmed in your gut, and when he pulled away you almost felt dizzy. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll see you tonight," you said, cheeks glowing with pink.</p><p> </p><p>He nodded and you walked towards the door, glancing back as you crossed through it. Even when you looked back a second time while you were halfway across the room, heading towards the elevator, he was still watching you go.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>You checked your appearance through your phone camera one last time. Baby blue lingerie and loose curls in your hair. Kylo had sent you a text twenty minutes ago.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Leaving work.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Normally, he wouldn't have bothered alerting you of his location. Today was different. After you left his office, you did your usual plan of shopping and sightseeing. This time you came back to the hotel extra early to try on lingerie you had not gotten the chance to show off yet. You had been standing in the bathroom mirror, staring at your own ass when you figured Kylo might like to join in on your fun. So you sent him a photo. And then another. And another. </p><p> </p><p>He hadn't answered them, but you assumed he was in meetings all day and most likely hadn't checked his phone. </p><p> </p><p>As soon as he walked through the front door, you knew that wasn't true.</p><p> </p><p>You were expecting a bit of fury. You thought he'd storm in, fling his tie off, and grab your throat. What actually happened, was much more terrifying. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo took slow steps to the marble dining table, not bothering to look up at where you were perched on the bed. He unbuttoned his suit jacket and slipped it from his shoulders, placing it neatly onto the table. You watched him with wide, nervous eyes, as he moved next to his tie, his movements calculated and unhurried. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo?" you said quietly, examining the firmness in his jaw.</p><p> </p><p>He didn't speak as he removed his watch next, but he finally looked up at you with dark eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"You thought it'd be fun to send me dirty pictures while I was working?" he asked, his voice taunting and deep.</p><p> </p><p>You nodded slowly, excited fear trembling in your fingers and under your ribcage.</p><p> </p><p>"It was distracting, but I'm sure that was your intention," he added.</p><p> </p><p>You nodded again and scooted backwards on the bed, readying yourself for him to join you. He smirked at your motions and chuckled lowly, devious and amused. With a small shake of his head, he stepped backwards towards the bathroom door.</p><p> </p><p>"Get up," he demanded. </p><p> </p><p>You pushed onto your feet immediately and scrambled to stand in front of him. Ever since you had sent those photos, there had been a warmth in your gut, anticipating what would happen when he walked into this room, and now it was growing. You followed him into the bathroom, staring at the wide expanse of his shoulders and the confidence in his stride. He stopped abruptly in front of the sink and you jolted, pausing behind him. You glanced at the shower. You had assumed that's why he had dragged you in here. </p><p> </p><p>He turned and grabbed your hips suddenly, yanking you to stand in front of him. </p><p> </p><p>"You like what you see, don't you?" Kylo whispered into your hair, hands still planted around the softness of your hips. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded, meeting his gaze through the wide mirror above the sink.</p><p> </p><p>"Not me," he clarified. His fingers dragged up your waist, over the blue lacy fabric covering your torso. "You like looking at yourself. You liked sending those pictures, because you liked how you looked in the lingerie you bought with daddy's card. Isn't that right?"</p><p> </p><p>Your breath hitched as your eyes followed his fingers up to your cleavage. He wasn't wrong. The baby blue complimented your skin, and the lace was see-through, hugging your waist and hips, pressing against your breasts. </p><p> </p><p>You shrugged faintly, and chewed on your lip as he squeezed your tits in his palm. You squirmed as his thumbs rolled over your nipples.</p><p> </p><p>"You like the way it makes your tits look, don't you?" he asked.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes," you whispered, leaning back into his chest, relaxing against his hold.</p><p> </p><p>His fingers hooked around the thin straps and pulled them down your shoulders slowly, shoving the fabric aside until your breasts were exposed. You focused on his face, his eyes examining your figure. He caught your stare and his hand flew to yank your jaw forward. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't look at me. I know you want to look at your tits," he said lowly.</p><p> </p><p>You gulped and examined your reflection. Your nipples were hard in the cool air, perfect rosy peaks, the curve of your breast clear and soft. Without thinking about it, your hand found your own breast and you dragged your fingertips across the sensitive flesh, shivering when your own touch brushed over your nipples. Kylo hummed in approval. He moved to your core next and brushed his fingers along the front of your cunt. </p><p> </p><p>"You want to see this pretty cunt?" he asked, voice thick with desirous tension.</p><p> </p><p>You didn't answer verbally. You pushed the lacy fabric down your body, past your thighs until it was pooled around your feet on the tile. Your eyes immediately darted to your own newly naked pussy. One glance at Kylo's face, and you knew he was pleased, his expression filled with lustful amusement. His fingers returned to your cunt and wasted no time in pressing to your clit. You jolted at the contact, and leaned your palms against the counter as he made circles. </p><p> </p><p>"Look."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm?" you asked, jaw hanging agape with satisfaction. </p><p> </p><p>"Look at the way your body responds to me, so desperate to be touched," he said, fingertips rubbing slow, steady circles into your bud. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm," you moaned, gripping the side of the counter and squirming. </p><p> </p><p>"I should punish you," he whispered into your ear, brushing his nose against the side of your face.</p><p> </p><p>"W-why?" you asked shakily. </p><p> </p><p>"You got me high on purpose, didn't you? All this time you've wanted to get me high so I would answer your questions."</p><p> </p><p>"No, no," you denied. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't lie to me," he growled.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not."</p><p> </p><p>His free hand wrapped around your throat, squeezing harshly into the sides of your neck. </p><p> </p><p>"You don't believe me?" you asked, struggling to form words beneath the weight of his palm. </p><p> </p><p>His fingers pressed more firmly into your clit and you whimpered, clamping your legs shut. </p><p> </p><p>"Not even a little."</p><p> </p><p>You could feel his cock, already hard and pressing against your bare ass. The warmth in your core was building quickly under the touch of his fingers. Your legs began to tremble with each shock through your nerves.</p><p> </p><p>"You're going to come," he demanded. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded and hung your head. The relief in your cunt was propelling, bursting under your bud.</p><p> </p><p>"Look at yourself," he instructed.</p><p> </p><p>With a gasping moan, you forced your face to rise and look in the mirror. Your cheeks were pink,  your eyes glossy. Your brow was slightly furrowed and your jaw was unhinged, pleasure sketched onto your features. With a few more strokes of his fingers, the warmth burst beneath your clit and you cursed under your breath, legs trembling as your orgasm buzzed through you. Your core jolted, curling inwards as Kylo's fingertips drove you through the aftershocks. You pushed his fingers away when the sensitivity in your clit became too much, and you blinked away the white fog that had blurred your vision. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo pressed a single, taunting kiss to your neck before he maneuvered around you, settling himself between you and the counter. Slowly, eyes trained on your flushed face, he bent to settle on his knees, face dangerously close to your cunt. You could feel yourself dripping, wetness coating your cunt and inner thighs. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't watch daddy. Watch yourself," he demanded, and you pulled your focus away from him to stare at your own reflection again. </p><p> </p><p>You gasped and shuddered when his tongue found your cunt, running through your slit and tasting your wetness. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck" you whispered, clit still sensitive from the past pressure of his fingers. </p><p> </p><p>His tongue worked through your folds and pulsed at your entrance. You threaded your fingers through his hair and tugged at the soft strands, bucking your hips into him. When his nose pressed against your clit, you whimpered and flinched as your legs wobbled. He hummed into your core, and the warmth was there again, flowing through your cunt with needy hunger. Two fingers slid into your entrance as his mouth moved to suck at your clit.</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, Kylo," you yelped.</p><p> </p><p>The reflection didn't show you his mouth nuzzled into your cunt--all you could see was his sea of hair hovering in front of your core. But you could see your own body, the fast rising of your breasts as your breath quickened, the blush that was spotting your cheeks and neck, the loose jaw that hung open, small moans escaping past your pink, panting lips. Your face was screwed up in pleasure. Your torso twitched occasionally, when the nerves in your bud jolted with relief. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo paused, only barely, to speak. "You're going to come on my tongue."</p><p> </p><p>There was a sharp slap on your ass, and you flinched, yelping at the sting of pain. You mumbled a "Yes, sir," and ground your hips into his face, riding his mouth where it was stationed beneath you. His fingers curled against your walls and his tongue stroked across your clit as he sucked it. Another burst of bright, sharp warmth in your cunt and you cried out as your vision blurred. Kylo's mouth and fingers continued their abuse as you squirmed onto him, body racking with waves of bliss. The pressure on your clit made you jolt as you lowered from your peak, and you pulled on his hair harshly, warning him of your sensitivity. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo smirked as his mouth and fingers left your cunt. He pressed his palms to your thighs while he stood to tower over you. You leaned your jaw up to kiss him, but he moved abruptly, grabbing your hips to circle around you--his chest pressed against your back, his hard length against your thigh. A hand on your spine pushed you forward until you were slightly bent over the counter with your ass pointed towards him. You watched through the reflection of the mirror as he undid his belt and freed his pulsing cock. He met your gaze through the glass, and kept his eyes trained on your expression as he pushed into you slowly. </p><p> </p><p>You gasped at the feeling of his length filling you, and your jaw hung open as he rammed into you steadily, hands gripping your hips. Your walls clenched around him, and you whimpered. Your skin was still buzzing from your previous orgasms, and now the relief that filled your core was aching and desperate. Kylo's lips were pressed together with focus, his chest puffing with shallow breath. Your own chest was rising quickly too and your tits bounced with every thrust. You could feel him in your gut, pounding into your walls. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, fuck. Oh, god," you mumbled and squeezed your eyes shut. </p><p> </p><p>His fingers gripped your chin, forcing your face towards the mirror. "Open your eyes."</p><p> </p><p>You obeyed with a small whine. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm being very generous fucking you when you don't deserve it," he growled and pressed into your harder. </p><p> </p><p>A small sob bubbled through your throat and you answered in a small voice. "Thank you."</p><p> </p><p>"You like watching yourself get fucked?" </p><p> </p><p>You nodded quickly, examining your satisfied expression--furrowed brows and glossy eyes. Your fingers found your clit and you made gentle circles, jolting at the burning sensitivity. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm gonna come," you whined, struggling to keep your head lifted enough to stare in the reflection. </p><p> </p><p>Your body didn't wait for his reply. Warmth surged through your cunt, your walls clenching around him, and your legs trembled as you cursed and whimpered. Your third orgasm was piercing, hot streaks of release showering through your legs and gut. You gripped the counter with desperate fingers, and your chest heaved as you lowered from your high. Kylo was still rocking into you, and you finally let your head hang and pushed your hips back to meet his, aiding his release.</p><p> </p><p>"You're going to come again," Kylo announced through gritted teeth. </p><p> </p><p>You raised your head in surprise, and the white walls swayed around you as you blinked at him through the reflection. </p><p> </p><p>"I can't," you whimpered, his cock still ramming into your gut.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo's arm slipped around your waist and his fingers found your clit, calloused skin rubbing circles into your bud.  Your torso caved inward, a sob escaping your chest, and your legs shook as they struggled to keep you upright. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, you can," he said lowly, breath hot on your ear. </p><p> </p><p>He hooked his free arm around your waist to keep your back burrowed into his chest, but mostly to keep your legs from buckling. You sobbed silently as you came again. The bliss burned through your core, stinging ripples of release pulsing through your cunt, splitting through your walls. Your vision turned white, the noise echoing through the space muffled in your ears, and your legs gave out. Kylo's arm braced against your torso, keeping you on him as he continued to thrust into you. You hung limp in his arms, body racked with warmth, senses temporarily fogged. </p><p> </p><p>By the time you came down from your peak, you were unsure of how long you had been suspended, but Kylo was still inside of you, unmoving. He must have came but you couldn't quite recall the moment. Both his arms were wrapped around you now, holding you up, and as you slowly lifted your head, his grip loosened and you steadied yourself onto wobbly legs. You felt him slip out of you, and you blinked away heavy eyelids. Your cheeks were bright pink. Sweat coated the front of your neck and chest. Your hair was ruffled and the curls had fallen out already. Most surprisingly, there were tears dripping down your face. You reached a shaking hand up to wipe them away. Kylo stood behind you, studying your face with stern interest. </p><p> </p><p>"Come here," he said quietly. </p><p> </p><p>You turned with cautious feet and reached out your hands to press into his biceps, steadying yourself. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry about last night. I promise it wasn't a grand scheme to make you talk. It just happened that way," you said quietly in a wavering voice. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo sighed and his palms pressed to the back of your thighs, pulling you up to wrap your legs around his torso. You immediately allowed your head to collapse onto his shoulder, arms draped  around his neck. You could feel him moving, but you didn't recognize what he was doing until the sound of the shower started. A few seconds passed, and then he was lowering you, setting you gently to stand on the wet tiles as he undressed. The warm water rained down on you, wetting your hair and slithering across your skin.  You leaned against the tile wall, gut still burning, and watched with furrowed brows as Kylo joined you, relishing the warmth of the water before he filled his palm with shampoo and reached it towards your hair. </p><p> </p><p>"We have to hurry. We have dinner reservations," he explained. </p><p> </p><p>His movements were hesitant as his fingers rubbed the soap into your roots. You watched in frozen awe, wide eyes slowly blinking at the man in front of you--The man who was washing your fucking hair. For no reason. Tiny pricks of hot tears spotted your eyes and you willed them away with a heavy heart. As soon as he finished, you stepped beneath the water to rinse the soap from your scalp. </p><p> </p><p>You finished your shower in silence. He didn't help you again, didn't offer to lather your ends in conditioner. That was okay. You knew it might make you cry if he did. As soon as he left the bathroom with a towel tied around his waist, you sat on the toilet and buried your face in your hands, finally letting your lips purse and nose scrunch as tears slipped free. You didn't allow your pity party to last long. As soon as you had washed your face and composed yourself, you emerged from the bathroom to find Kylo already dressed. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh shit," you mumbled, pulling out a dress you had hung in the closet. "I'll be quick, sorry."</p><p> </p><p>"You have some time," he replied, and motioned to the dress in your hand. "You don't have to wear that either. It's not a very fancy place."</p><p> </p><p>"It's not--Oh, okay. Not many forks then," you mumbled, mostly to yourself.</p><p> </p><p>"Probably one fork. Maybe two."</p><p> </p><p>He was grinning slightly. Your mouth parted into a wide smile before giggles erupted in your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"That's our best inside joke now--the forks," you observed, returning the dress to the rack and pulling a miniskirt from your suitcase.</p><p> </p><p>"Do we have other inside jokes?"</p><p> </p><p>"Umm." You pulled out a thickly knitted sweater. "I'm sure we do, but I can't think of any."</p><p> </p><p>"Me neither."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped. His stare was intense and filled with something burdensome. You blinked back at him, momentarily forgetting that you were supposed to be rushing. </p><p> </p><p>"You'd think in two months we would have acquired more jokes." Your voice broke at the end, and you cleared your throat quickly.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo finally dropped his stare and turned to the wide windows, the setting sun casting an orange glow over his features. </p><p> </p><p>"Guess not."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. This Game We're Playing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You had a week with Kylo before you saw her. It was a normal week for the most part. Every other evening filled with sex and casual conversation. Kylo seemed okay, but he wavered with his affection. Some days he kissed you for no reason, and some nights he turned away from you when he slept. You couldn't be angry with him. You felt the same way. You wanted to pull away to avoid the heartache, but it was so easy and intoxicating to lean into the comfort of him. </p><p> </p><p>The most exciting thing to occur was an email from a literary agent. They were interested. They liked your proposal. You were meant to meet with Pryde's wife, a personal favor from Kylo, but as soon as you received the proposal, you canceled. This new offer was a more expensive agent, one of the two that you didn't hear back from for a while, but you still had a portion of your Christmas bonus saved up. Besides, you wanted to know that you earned it yourself. It wasn't a favor. Someone really wanted to help you publish your book.</p><p> </p><p>You saw her the Tuesday after New York. She was in the grocery store, looking at the bagged salads. You noticed her while you were searching for a ripe avocado. Her hair was dark and long, brushing past her cleavage. You almost didn't recognize her in yoga pants and a sweatshirt, but she still wore the same layer of perfect makeup. </p><p> </p><p>You stared in shock for a moment. You shouldn't approach her. No, you shouldn't. But you wanted to. You had so many things you wanted to ask her. You swallowed your pride, and the faint buzz of jealously poking your throat, and crossed the produce section to stand next to her. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey, um, Abigail, right?" you said shyly, offering her a small smile.</p><p> </p><p>She whipped her head to the side to look at you with furrowed brows. With a few blinks, she returned a puzzled smile and spoke slowly.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, hi. I...I'm sorry, I feel like I recognize you, I just don't know where," she said it gently, like she was genuinely scared of offending you.</p><p> </p><p>"Right! Sorry," you said, pressing your hand to your chest. "I met you at a restaurant a couple months ago. Um, we both know...Well, we both know Kylo Ren." It came out as more of a question than a statement. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh!" A look of familiarity crossed over her features and she nodded with a tiny laugh. "That's right! Good to see you again."</p><p> </p><p>"You too." You smiled awkwardly and glanced at the salad in her hand, wondering how to phrase all the things your mind was begging to ask. "Could...I don't want to interrupt your shopping, but would you mind if I asked you a few questions?"</p><p> </p><p>Her expression faltered to confusion but she quickly returned it to friendliness. "About what?"</p><p> </p><p>"Um, Kylo."</p><p> </p><p>There was a pause and then she giggled and nodded enthusiastically, hair bobbing around her sharply carved jawline. </p><p> </p><p>"Sure" she agreed. "I've always kind of wanted to talk to someone about him. Why don't you meet me at the coffee place on the corner when you're finished with your shopping?"</p><p> </p><p>You released a breath of relief and let out a small chuckle. "Great."</p><p> </p><p>You must have been more desperate for answers than Abigail, because you arrived at the coffee shop far earlier than her. A table in the back corner served as your spot of restless waiting. Eventually, after you had downed half of your latte, Abigail walked through the front door and spotted you, arms full of paper grocery bags. </p><p> </p><p>She greeted you with a smile and settled herself in the seat across from you, piling her bags into an empty chair. </p><p> </p><p>"Ask away," she said. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, well, where do I start? Um, how long did your arrangement with Kylo last?"</p><p> </p><p>"A month," she answered immediately. A month. That was short. Incredibly short. Half the time you had been with him so far. "You?"</p><p> </p><p>"Over two."</p><p> </p><p>She frowned and raised her eyebrows. "Two months, huh? That's pretty impressive for him."</p><p> </p><p>"How...how so?"</p><p> </p><p>"I just didn't get the impression he kept anyone around for very long time. That's not really for me to say. What else?"</p><p> </p><p>"Did he ever mention his past to you? About his parents or Snoke?" you asked, growing eager to receive answers. </p><p> </p><p>She laughed heavily, before pausing and whispering an "Oh." </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," she said quickly. "I don't even know who Snoke is, so I certainly never heard anything about his parents. Why, what has he told you about his past?"</p><p> </p><p>You brought the steaming cup of sweetened expresso to your lips. "I don't think I should share that. Anyways, he's kind of tough to figure out."</p><p> </p><p>"That's an understatement. He barely ever talked, and when he did, he wasn't actually saying much." Her tone was riddled with past frustration. </p><p> </p><p>Though she meant no harm, your defenses rose and you jumped to reply. "It takes a while for him to open up."</p><p> </p><p>"And has he opened up?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>"Wow." She looked impressed and tucked her hands away into the pocket of her hoodie. "Seems like you've gotten to know him a lot better than I ever did."</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe."</p><p> </p><p>She leaned forward and lowered her voice. "He's so distant after sex, isn't he? Some nights we'd finish and then he'd just get an Uber for me right after."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded and shrugged. "He was like that with me at first, but I brought it up and then he fixed it."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm," she hummed and licked her lips. "I don't think I would have ever been brave enough for that."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, I mean, he was pretty nice about it."</p><p> </p><p>Abigail shook her head slowly. "I feel like we aren't even talking about the same person."</p><p> </p><p>"When I first met him, he was as you're describing. After a while, he kind of relaxed. I haven't...I haven't really thought about it in a long time," you explained, your words trailing off at the end. </p><p> </p><p>You had almost forgotten how he used to be. Cold. Quiet. Distant. Sometimes, he still acted that way, but now you knew him. You knew who he really was. You knew the layers beneath the facade of apathy. </p><p> </p><p>You took a deep breath before your next question. "Did he ever kiss you for no reason?"</p><p> </p><p>Abigail squinted, lips parting in a confused smile. "He barely even kissed me during sex."</p><p> </p><p>Your stomach tightened and you nodded slightly. "Was the sex good?"</p><p> </p><p>"If the sex hadn't been phenomenal, I probably would hate him. I guess that says a lot. He's a dick but he knows what he's doing."</p><p> </p><p>You couldn't help but chuckle. "I know right."</p><p> </p><p>"God, I miss that," she mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>Once again, you knew she didn't mean harm. She had no way of knowing that you felt this strongly for him. She had no way of knowing that he was more than a paycheck to you. Jealously gripped your throat and you forced away the choking feeling. You attempted a humored smile but it felt forced, the muscles in your cheeks strained and tight. </p><p> </p><p>"Did he ever take you anywhere?" you asked next.</p><p> </p><p>"Like to dinner?"</p><p> </p><p>"No, like New York," you explained.</p><p> </p><p>"No. We never went anywhere like that."</p><p> </p><p>You chewed on your lip. You were his favorite. You already knew that. But now, sitting in front of one of his past sugar babies, hearing about how much your experiences with Kylo differed, you couldn't help but feel even more special. He rarely kissed her. He kissed you often. He kissed you before he left for work, and again when he returned. At the exit of a random parking lot. In a conference room in New York, where all his coworkers could see. On his balcony when his tongue tasted like smoke. In bed on Christmas Eve. </p><p> </p><p>He took you to New York. He let you get him high. He told you about his past. He took you to a restaurant with less forks, because he knew you didn't enjoy the fancier ones. He gave you his credit card and washed your hair for you. He stood in his kitchen and communicated through paper, because he didn't want you to leave. </p><p> </p><p>In New York, when you told him you were staying, he didn't fight it. You had tried to not think too much about it, but you knew why. He hadn't really wanted you to leave. In fact, lately he hadn't fought with you about much. He had almost been cautious with things. Lately, Kylo was trying not to hurt you. </p><p> </p><p>"I can tell," Abigail announced, peering at you suspiciously and snapping you from your train of thought.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, what?"</p><p> </p><p>"I can tell you feel something for him."</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes widened in surprise and your mouthed opened, ready to deny it. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't," is all you could manage to say. It was a stupid lie, but you weren't willing to share the truth with a stranger.</p><p> </p><p>"Really?"</p><p> </p><p>"Really. I just think he's an interesting person."</p><p> </p><p>Abigail gave you a pitying smile and a small nod. "You seem so nice, defending him and all. You might be too good for him."</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged. "He's been good to me though."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm," Abigail hummed, and shifted her jaw. "We should all get together sometime. That would be fun."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you said in surprise. Get together. The three of you. It was hard to imagine. The thought didn't irk you entirely. Abigail seemed nice enough, and you would be curious to see how Kylo would act around her. You would be jealous, that was unavoidable, but you were confident in your position as his favorite. "I'll mention it to him."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo?" you called softly into the dim apartment, locking the front door behind you. In the past week, he had established that you could enter his apartment without knocking. You still had a key after all. </p><p> </p><p>"Working," he called back.</p><p> </p><p>You slipped out of your heels and set your belongings onto the counter before tiptoeing to his office. The door was propped open, and you leaned into the doorframe. He was in a black t-shirt and gray sweats, hair ruffled, lips pouting. His fingers were typing away furiously at his keyboard and his eyes were flickering across the screen. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi," you said plainly.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi."</p><p> </p><p>He looked handsome, as always. Sometimes you just forgot to really see it--the curve of his cheekbones, prominence of his nose, plushness of his lips. Sometimes you thought that if he had existed years and years ago, they would have made a marble statue of him. All those angles of his face, carved into stone. He would have been in museums. He would have been admired by many more eyes than just yours. </p><p> </p><p>"What are you working on?" you asked shyly. He had been on and off since New York. You could tell he was fighting his mind again. Sometimes he gave long answers. Sometimes he held you as you fell asleep. But sometimes his words were short and bland. Sometimes he couldn't look at you for too long. But he didn't stop asking you to come, so you didn't stop showing up. You wondered which version you'd get tonight.</p><p> </p><p>"Come see."</p><p> </p><p>You smiled. Tonight was the good version. You approached him, standing beside his chair to peer at the screen. He pushed his chair backwards and his hand found your waist, tugging on you until you were perched in his lap. One arm settled atop your thigh, while the other reached around you for the computer mouse. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't even know what I'm looking at," you announced. </p><p> </p><p>The screen was filled with a white canvas of numbers and words, all haphazardly thrown together into rows and boxes. </p><p> </p><p>"It's the overview of last year." He pointed to a specific column. "Lost clients." He moved his fingers to a new set of numbers. "That's our growth."</p><p> </p><p>"Is it good?"</p><p> </p><p>"Mmm," he hummed uncertainly. "We've had better years, but it's not bad."</p><p> </p><p>Being propped on his lap like this made you taller than him, and you stared down at his relaxed expression. His eyes met yours with a matching glow, but you broke the moment and returned your focus to the screen. </p><p> </p><p>"So Snoke will be happy with you?" you asked.</p><p> </p><p>"I hope so."</p><p> </p><p>"Me too."</p><p> </p><p>Though you were no longer looking at him, you could sense that he was looking at you. </p><p> </p><p>"I ran into someone today," you announced. </p><p> </p><p>You weren't exactly nervous to tell him about Abigail, but when the words came out of your mouth, they felt strangled. The reality was that the two of them had been in a previous arrangement. If you let it remain that, only a fact, you could ignore any other connotations it held. </p><p> </p><p>"Who?"</p><p> </p><p>"Abigail," you answered with a nervous smile.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo squinted for a moment, as if he were trying to recall who Abigail even was, which you had to admit felt satisfying, before a look of recognition crossed over his face.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh. Abigail. Where?"</p><p> </p><p>"The grocery store." You squirmed slightly on his lap. "Well, we actually got coffee too."</p><p> </p><p>"Coffee? Wow. What did you talk about?"</p><p> </p><p>"Uh, just whatever."</p><p> </p><p>"Me?"</p><p> </p><p>You chuckled and reached forward pressing a short kiss to his lips. "Yes, a little."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, really?" He looked slightly amused, lips quirked into a smirk. "What'd you say?"</p><p> </p><p>"All good things, don't worry."</p><p> </p><p>"Right."</p><p> </p><p>His gaze was intense, irises rich and filled with something warm. Your chest buzzed with emotion and you cleared your throat.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you hungry?" you asked.</p><p> </p><p>"A little."</p><p> </p><p>"We could order something."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>"Or," you started, pausing to consider. "We could make something."</p><p> </p><p>"Like what?"</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know. I don't really cook, but it would be fun."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo glanced at his screen, most likely stressing about his work. </p><p> </p><p>"If you have work to do, I could run to the store and get the stuff while you finish up," you offered. </p><p> </p><p>He considered your proposal, scratching his jaw for a moment. But then, he moved the mouse and clicked something so that the screen turned black.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll come with you."</p><p>-</p><p>Pizza. It was the only thing you could agree on. Then again, you could have easily ordered pizza. It would have cost less and been quicker, but walking down the isles of the grocery store, red basket dangling in Kylo's hand, was fun. </p><p> </p><p>"What are we missing?" he asked, glancing at the items already in the basket. So far, you had acquired the dough, sauce, cheese, and pepperoni, but the canned olives were nowhere to be found. </p><p> </p><p>"The olives. I don't understand why they aren't with the other canned shit," you mumbled, dragging your eyes across the rows of aluminum. </p><p> </p><p>"Who eats olives on pizza anyways?"</p><p> </p><p>He looked so strange in his sweatpants, standing in the middle of such a mundane place, asking normal, unimportant questions. The red basket in his hand seemed foreign compared to the usual ringing phone, Porsche keys or wine glass. He was like a higher being, an angel or possibly a demon, spending a day in the common people's world, being grossed out by olives and looking particularly bored in Whole Foods. </p><p> </p><p>"Rey always got olives on hers. I think I just copied her for awhile but now I actually like them." You sighed. "I don't see them, though. That's okay."</p><p> </p><p>You started towards the front of the store, pausing halfway down the aisle to find Kylo standing still, staring at the shelves. </p><p> </p><p>"It's okay," you said again.</p><p> </p><p>"Well, let's just ask someone."</p><p> </p><p>He took off before you could object. You shuffled forward, pausing at the end of the aisle to search for him. You chose a direction, left, and started glancing down the aisles as you passed them. Finally you spotted him near the chips, talking to an employee. He looked completely serious, motioning slightly with his hands. He noticed you and raised his eyebrows as the worker led him past where you stood, back to the section of canned goods. </p><p> </p><p>You followed them stubbornly, pausing behind Kylo as the worker scanned the rows. </p><p> </p><p>"There at the top," the elder man said, pointing to a small bunch of cans on the highest shelf. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you so much," you said quickly, smiling at him as he walked away. </p><p> </p><p>"Was that so hard?" Kylo teased.</p><p> </p><p>You rolled your eyes, though a grin was plastered across your lips, and reached for the can. Your fingers only grabbed air, and you raised onto your toes, stretching your arm as far as you could bear. Kylo's chest brushed your shoulder as he reached above you, easily snatching the can from the top shelf. </p><p> </p><p>"Now let's go. I'm starving," he said, starting for the registers. </p><p>-</p><p>You both ended up making your own separate pizzas, yours with olives, Kylo's with less sauce (apparently he thought it made it too soggy). You popped them into the oven and started cleaning up, screwing the cap back onto the sauce and zipping up the bag of cheese. </p><p> </p><p>"Should we pick something to watch?" you asked.</p><p> </p><p>"You pick."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded, and rinsed your hands under the faucet before drying them on your jeans and crossing into the living room. The remote wasn't on the coffee table or sofa, so you moved to the small set of drawers beneath the flat screen. </p><p> </p><p>"What's this?" you asked brightly, pulling different boxes from the bottom drawer.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo squinted in your direction as he pulled wine from the fridge. "Board games?"</p><p> </p><p>"I know. I just didn't think you played board games."</p><p> </p><p>"Everyone plays board games."</p><p> </p><p>You smiled to yourself and examined his tiny collection. Monopoly. Catan. Scrabble. Jenga.</p><p> </p><p>"I like that you have Jenga," you said, holding up the box. </p><p> </p><p>"I've never played it."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want to?"</p><p> </p><p>He crossed the room, two wine glasses in hand. You thanked him as he passed one to you. </p><p> </p><p>"Sure."</p><p> </p><p>By the time you got the game set up, the pizzas was ready so you sliced them and gathered pieces on your plates and returned to the pile of wooden blocks.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll start," you announced. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was planted on the floor across from you, the glass coffee table between you holding your dinner and game. Pizza seemed like one of the most common things you'd seen Kylo eat. Other than cereal. You took your lip between your teeth as you poked at a few blocks before finding a loose one and wiggling it gently out of place. You hid a smile as Kylo started his turn and copied your actions. </p><p> </p><p>"Why do you have Jenga if you never play it?" you asked after swallowing a bite of crust.</p><p> </p><p>He pulled a block free and moved it to the top. "It was probably a gift from an employee or something."</p><p> </p><p>You gave in and grinned as you searched for a new loose piece. You found one towards the bottom and held your breath as you shoved it free. </p><p> </p><p>"It must be weird to live like you do. I mean, I keep old gift cards even though there's nothing on them. I don't know. When I get things, I'm very aware that I've gotten something. If that makes sense."</p><p> </p><p>"And what do I do when I've gotten something?" he asked, pulling a block, pausing when the tower teetered slightly. </p><p> </p><p>"I'd assume you just think '<em>Hmm. Okay. Could have bought that myself.</em>' Because really you could have. I mean, if you liked something, you'd already own it. Like you said when I first met you, you have everything you want."</p><p> </p><p>The statement held more weight than you had meant for it to. It was a painful reminder. That if he really wanted you, he would already have you. You'd already be more than this. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo managed to pull the block free, slowly but successfully. He sighed as he placed it on the top, his eyebrows raised in thought. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm not so sure that's true," is all he said. </p><p> </p><p>"Really?" you gulped, lightly pressing your thumb to a piece near the middle. "What do you want that you couldn't just buy for yourself?"</p><p> </p><p>There was only silence as you wiggled the piece out and placed it back onto the top of the tower. Kylo's eyes were trained on your fingers, his shoulders tense. </p><p> </p><p>Finally he spoke. "Fun mugs."</p><p> </p><p>You chuckled immediately, relief and disappointment bubbling in your gut. Relief that you hadn't accidentally started an argument. Disappointment that he hadn't said what you were hoping for. </p><p> </p><p>"You could buy yourself fun mugs," you pointed out. The pizza was almost cold now, but you didn't mind.</p><p> </p><p>"But I wouldn't."</p><p> </p><p>"But you want them?"</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe."</p><p> </p><p>Though his lips were drawn slightly upwards, his eyes were intense. They had been that way lately. Whenever he looked at you, it felt like more than just a look. It was a stare. A deep one. Like he wanted to read your mind, or maybe memorize your pupils. </p><p> </p><p>The next few turns occurred in silence. The tower was starting to become more and more patchy, empty slots threatening it's stability. And as you added them to the top, building the structure higher, it only put the game in more danger. There was only more weight for it to carry. Soon enough, one of you were going to pull the wrong block. You wondered who it would be.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo interrupted the quiet. </p><p> </p><p>"What are you going to write about next?" </p><p> </p><p>You grinned. Though you didn't talk about your writing often, it was probably your favorite thing to discuss with him. He always spoke as if you were already a real writer. As if you were already on a pedestal of success. He took it incredibly seriously. More seriously than yourself. </p><p> </p><p>"I haven't even had my first book published yet," you replied.</p><p> </p><p>"Almost though. That doesn't mean you can't start something else."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded. Finding loose blocks was becoming more daunting now, and you had tapped each one. You chose the loosest one. </p><p> </p><p>"Maybe I could write about my own life," you said. "About Rey. And what happened to her. I guess what happened to me too. Or I could talk about arrangements. Ivy's had some crazy experiences that I'm sure she would love to share. It's an interesting world."</p><p> </p><p>The last part made you nervous, but Kylo seemed more interested than disturbed. </p><p> </p><p>"Would I make the cut?" he asked. You could have swore you heard a hint of timidity in his tone.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes. But, I don't think you'd like to be written about so I'd change your name."</p><p> </p><p>"To what?"</p><p> </p><p>"Probably something you'd hate. Just to piss you off."</p><p> </p><p>He grinned and chuckled, slowly shaking his head. "Of course you would."</p><p> </p><p>It was Kylo's turn, and he was deciding between two blocks, shoving them lightly to sense which was the safest option. You noticed his turns took longer than yours. He had to be sure of his decisions before he made them.</p><p> </p><p>"You wouldn't mind me writing about you?" you asked quietly.</p><p> </p><p>He was about to pull out the piece but he paused. </p><p> </p><p>"I can't imagine what you would have to say, but no, I wouldn't mind."</p><p> </p><p>He managed to pull the block free and you groaned, reaching forward to search for your next attempt. </p><p> </p><p>"I forgot to mention," you started, eyes focused intently on the tower. "Abigail suggested we all get together, the three of us."</p><p> </p><p>A slight pause.</p><p> </p><p>"And what do you think about that?" he asked cautiously.</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged. You couldn't find a good piece. Each one made the tower sway when you tapped it.</p><p> </p><p>"She seems nice," you said. "I mean we could just get dinner or something. I don't know why she would want to do it, but maybe she just misses you." You almost added <em>'Which is understandable</em>' but you stopped yourself. </p><p> </p><p>The last thing you were expecting was a genuine, humored laugh from across the table. Kylo rubbed his temple, an almost embarrassed grin spread across his lips. </p><p> </p><p>"What?" you asked nervously. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't think Abigail was suggesting dinner."</p><p> </p><p>Your cheeks turned warm and you frowned in humiliation, hands rising to cover your face. "Oh, duh. I don't know how I missed that." </p><p> </p><p>Now looking back, you probably should have realized that Abigail was suggesting a threesome. You had both been talking about Kylo's impressive sex skills. She had said she missed it. And then you had denied having feelings for him. When you tied all those things together and threw in a suggestion for a 'get together', the result seemed almost appropriate.</p><p> </p><p>"Have you ever done something like that before?" you asked shyly.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo nodded. "You?"</p><p> </p><p>You nodded back. The thought of him engaging in a threesome brought a surprising warmth to your core. You pressed your legs together and shifted against the floor. You could imagine that he was generous about it. You could imagine that he would be sure to always touch both of you at the same time. You weren't sure about how you felt about Abigail being there, but the idea of <em>someone</em> being there was enticing. Someone else would witness the way he treated you, touched you, kissed you. In a probably fucked up way, you liked how superior it would make you feel. Because you knew, even if Abigail was there, doing all the things you normally did with him, she would go home at the end of the night and you would stay. He would look at you a different way than he would look at her. His tongue would explore your mouth with familiarity while she watched.</p><p> </p><p>It was sick. Conceited. A questionable attempt of experimenting with the small amount of power you held over him. You didn't have much control over Kylo, but you had more than Abigail.</p><p> </p><p>"Would you be interested in that? All three of us?"</p><p> </p><p>He looked a little taken aback by your question. He didn't bother to hide his furrowed brow.</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't think that <em>you</em> would," is all he could offer.</p><p> </p><p>"I think if you wanted to, I might want to," you said with a shrug. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo blinked at you for a moment, face still contorted in surprised confusion. But then his expression relaxed and he breathed deeply through his nose.</p><p> </p><p>"It could be fun," he said plainly.</p><p> </p><p>"I think so too."</p><p> </p><p>"Then I'll call her."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped. "Perfect."</p><p> </p><p>When you reached towards the tower, you realized your fingers were shaking when they hadn't been before. You chose a piece at random and tugged on it gently.</p><p> </p><p>The tower collapsed, wooden blocks tumbling haphazardly across the glass surface. The collision created a loud crashing sound and you winced at the sudden noise. One block hit your wine glass, perched on the corner. It fell, shattering next to you, broken glass raining across the wood floor, splattered with crimson alcohol. </p><p> </p><p>Your wide eyes looked to Kylo. He didn't seem to notice he had won.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. The Two of Us</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I'm kind of nervous," you announced. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stood beside you in front of the bathroom mirror. You had come straight from your meeting with your new agent, and you had felt the need to redo your eyeliner. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't be."</p><p> </p><p>Abigail would arrive any minute with those wide hips and perky breasts. You tried to remind yourself that she seemed nice. This wasn't really her doing. You were the one allowing it to happen. Kylo seemed fine, though you wished he seemed nervous too. </p><p> </p><p>"She's so pretty," you mumbled. You weren't exactly insecure. You just needed a bit of assurance, and you hoped that putting yourself down might make Kylo remind you of the way he favored you. It wasn't your healthiest tactic. You blamed it on the nerves.</p><p> </p><p>He moved to stand behind you, fingers skimming over your waist. </p><p> </p><p>"I thought we already established in New York that you think highly of your appearance."</p><p> </p><p>You rolled your eyes. Not the answer you needed. </p><p> </p><p>"We didn't establish what you thought," you said shyly. Fishing for compliments wasn't fun, but you were growing desperate to cease the anxious tingling in your gut.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo met your gaze through the reflection. "Are you sure you want to do this?"</p><p> </p><p>You sighed. "I wasn't comparing myself to Abigail. I'm not getting jealous, okay? Girls judge each other sometimes. I'm more worried that she'll think I'm not good or something."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo chuckled lowly and pressed a lingering kiss to your neck. "You're worried about Abigail thinking badly of you?"</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged. </p><p> </p><p>"If anything, she should be jealous of you," he said into your ear.</p><p> </p><p>Your heart fluttered and you grinned. It was a rare, but especially generous compliment. The nature of the comment made you feel slightly guilty. You didn't want to tear her down or talk poorly of her, but still the flattery of his words struck you.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't want anyone to be jealous of anyone. I just want it to be fun," you explained.</p><p> </p><p>"It won't be fun unless you relax a little."</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe I need something to drink," you said with a frown.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo nodded and started out of the bathroom, glancing back to ensure you were following him. As you reached the kitchen, you couldn't help but stare at the front door while he pulled a bottle of whiskey from the cabinet. She would knock any minute now. She would walk in and look around and greet you both. And then...And then you weren't even sure how things would go. </p><p> </p><p>A glass of whiskey clinked against the counter as Kylo set it in front of you. You flinched at the noise. </p><p> </p><p>"Jesus," he mumbled. "If you freak out like this, you might be in for a bad time."</p><p> </p><p>You snatched the glass in your sweating palm and gulped down its contents, groaning at the taste. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm trying."</p><p> </p><p>"What would help?"</p><p> </p><p>His tie was gray today. You couldn't stop picturing Abigail pulling on it.</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe we could get a head start."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo smirked and moved slowly around the counter until he stood in front of you. To calm the image replaying in your mind, you reached out and tugged on his tie, pulling his face closer. Your lips met gently at first, moving against each other steadily. His hands roamed down your waist, past your hips, to grab at your ass. You moaned into his mouth and threaded your arms around his neck, pulling his body to press against your front. Everything about him was familiar. He lifted you up, hands on the back of your thighs, and placed you on the counter, settling between your legs. You couldn't stop running your hands over his shoulders, up his neck, and ruffling your fingers through his hair. </p><p> </p><p>It reminded you of the last time he had fucked you on this counter, slow and vulnerable. You guessed he had never done that with Abigail. That was just for you two. Suddenly, things didn't seem as scary. Though that might have been due to the warmth burning in your core as Kylo's hands explored your body, grabbing at your ass and running over your thighs. You could tell his need was growing, his motions were becoming desperate. His fingers slid beneath the skirt of your dress and you shuddered when they grazed the front of your cunt. </p><p> </p><p>His other hand reached for your breasts, grabbing at the flesh, eliciting a moan and giggle from your lips. He slipped his hand beneath the hem, sliding beneath your bra, to knead your tits. His hands were cold compared to the warmth of your clothing, and you could feel your nipples harden under his touch. He must have noticed it too, because he quickly pushed the fabric down far enough to reveal one of your tits. His lips moved to the peak of your nipple and enclosed it in his mouth. He folded his teeth around it and pulled until it slipped from between his grasp. </p><p> </p><p>"Jesus, Kylo," you whimpered. </p><p> </p><p>At this rate, you were going to both be naked and panting by the time she arrived. </p><p> </p><p>"You feel better now?" he mumbled, slipping your strap back onto your shoulder and moving his lips to your neck. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes," you sighed. </p><p> </p><p>His mouth kissed along the skin of your throat, and you could already feel yourself growing wet. </p><p> </p><p>"Do I have to pay much attention to her?" you asked quietly.</p><p> </p><p>He paused and pulled away to look at you. </p><p> </p><p>You hurried to continue. "That sounds bad. I mean do I have to do a lot with her or is it okay if I kind of stick with you? I've only done this with guys before and she's older than me, isn't she? I kind of feel like the inexperienced one here."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo looked slightly concerned, pursed lips beneath squinted eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"You don't have to do anything you don't want to," he said sternly.</p><p> </p><p>You nodded and offered him a grateful smile.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you worried I'll ignore you?" he asked cautiously. </p><p> </p><p>"No," you said quickly. "Don't worry about that. I just don't want to be underwhelming. I'm not sure what I'll like yet."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't have any expectations. You do whatever you're comfortable with."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded, cheeks pink with embarrassment. His fingers found your jaw, lifting your face to look at him. </p><p> </p><p>"I just want you to have fun. Do whatever's fun and I'll have your back," he said seriously.</p><p> </p><p>You pressed a kiss to his cheek. It sounded so genuine. Sex with Kylo wasn't usually very shy. You let him take control and he enjoyed it. Hearing him talk about it so selflessly made your heart flutter. </p><p> </p><p>A knock on the door made you flinch, and you looked to Kylo with wide eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"Relax," he said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>You slid off the counter and combed down your hair, though you knew it wouldn't do much. You were flushed and your dress looked slightly out of place, but you attempted to tug it into the right position. There's no way she wouldn't recognize what was occurring minutes ago. You leaned against the counter as Kylo adjusted his tie and opened the door. </p><p> </p><p>You had almost forgotten how pretty Abigail was. Almost. She wore a short black dress, her curves obvious through the fabric. You greeted her with a smile, and she greeted Kylo with a kiss on the cheek. You had to push away the initial jealously burning your chest. </p><p> </p><p>"Something to drink?" Kylo asked. </p><p> </p><p>"Wine?" Abigail answered politely. </p><p> </p><p>"Me too," you chimed in.</p><p> </p><p>"Wine all around," Kylo announced. </p><p> </p><p>Abigail leaned against the granite beside you. You gave her your best I'm-not-nervous-at-all look. </p><p> </p><p>She turned her head to whisper, "I see you started without me."</p><p> </p><p>You blushed, crimson streaking your cheeks, and sputtered, "I-I, oh, I mean maybe."</p><p> </p><p>"Are you nervous babe?" she answered with pitying eyes.</p><p> </p><p>You looked to where Kylo stood, filling three glasses. </p><p> </p><p>"Only a little. I think you and Kylo might be a bit more experienced than me."</p><p> </p><p>"Aww," she cooed and nudged your arm with her elbow. "I'll go easy on you."</p><p> </p><p>You tried to give her a thankful smile, but it felt more afraid than relieved. Kylo set your glasses in front of you and crossed to the couch, not bothering to glance behind him. You looked to Abigail, who just grinned at you and followed him. Your feet wouldn't move until you had swallowed two big gulps of wine. Abigail and Kylo were already seated by the time you approached the sofa so you settled on the other side of him, sure to press your leg against his. It was pointless, but you felt the need to send the message that he was yours. </p><p> </p><p>The evening started with polite conversation. Mostly between Kylo and Abigail. You jumped in when you could but it was hard to focus on their words when all you could think about was the three of you being naked soon. Images kept popping into your mind, images of Abigail and Kylo, and you were starting to wonder why you had ever agreed to this. You thought it might be fun. You thought you might feel powerful, but at the moment you felt pretty weak. Sex with Kylo, just the two of you, was already fun and satisfying. What was the point of adding something new?</p><p> </p><p>You started to wonder if you could just lean forward and whisper in Kylo's ear. Maybe you could say something to make this stop or maybe postpone it. You weren't even sure you wanted to though--you had to admit you were curious what it would be like. By the time you were truly considering speaking the world 'gold' into Kylo's ear, it was starting. You could sense it like a wave beginning to grow. The peak was rising from the water, higher and higher. </p><p> </p><p>His hand was on your thigh as he said something to Abigail, something your ears couldn't focus on. His thumb was rubbing circles into your skin, and you had to admit the warmth was back in your core. If you could focus on the sexual pleasure aspect of this whole thing, you could get through it. Maybe seeing Kylo with someone else was hot in a way. At least, that's what you told yourself as his other hand slipped onto Abigail's thigh. Your stomach tightened but you ignored it. This was going to be fun. Kylo said it would be fun. Just have fun. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo looked at you and you gave him a shy smile. Just his eyes were reassuring, golden and soft. You could tell he was about to coddle the hell out of you because he knew about your nervousness. He had been so careful lately. You were both tiptoeing around each other now. You were very pleased, and relieved, when he leaned forward to meet your lips. It felt almost awkward at first to know that someone was watching you, but then when he deepened it, and his tongue ran across your bottom lip, it started to seem hot to be watched. </p><p> </p><p>Then you were reminded of how things really went. He pulled away and you watched as Abigail leaned forward and trapped his lips with her own. You had to just watch for a moment, the way his lips moved against hers. You swallowed away the sick feeling forming in your throat. It was fine. Just a kiss. This is how things went. It was going to be fun. Fun. </p><p> </p><p>Searching for a distraction, you leaned forward to unbutton his shirt with shaky fingers. You were extremely aware of how close they were to you as you undid the plastic buttons. You were halfway down his chest when you felt the need to join in somehow. Kissing his neck seemed like an appropriate option so you leaned forward and did just that. His skin was familiar under your lips, and it was easy to lose yourself in your motions. His hand was still on your thigh, only now it was higher, nearing your cunt, and you found yourself growing wet at the inclination. You pulled back to glance at the position of his hand on Abigail's body. His palm was still pressed to her thigh, but it was unmoving. You smirked. He may have been kissing her, but his hands were searching for you. </p><p> </p><p>His fingers found the straps of your dress and he tugged them down one by one, before reaching for your breasts. He yanked at the hem of the cup of your bra and you looked to Abigail, her face still pressed against his, before you reached behind yourself to unclasp it. Kylo's fingers immediately kneaded the flesh, thumb rolling over your nipple, and you sighed in content. Although, now he had been kissing her a little too long and you were growing impatient. You tapped the back of his palm, hoping that somehow that would signal your insecurity to him, and he must have read your mind, because he pulled away from Abigail's perfectly plump lips and moved his mouth to your tits in one motion, running his tongue around your nipple like usual. You let your eyes close to enjoy the moment of contact, and when you opened them Abigail was watching him with a smirk. </p><p> </p><p>She pulled down the straps of her own dress, depositing the pile of fabric onto the floor until she was only in a black lacy bra and panties. You had to physically stop yourself from frowning, and you copied her actions, unzipping your own dress before wiggling it down your legs and onto the wood floor. </p><p> </p><p>You started to wonder 'what now?' Technically you knew you were supposed to be beckoning Abigail forward, maybe undoing the hooks on her bra, but something about that seemed too out of place. If someone was going to make the move it was going to have to be her, and if she never did, you would be okay with that. </p><p> </p><p>Abigail stood and you watched her nervously as she reached out her hand to you. You accepted it with a confused glance at Kylo, who was now working his lips against your throat, and you allowed Abigail to pull you up, off the couch to stand awkwardly in your underwear. She stepped towards the bedroom, your clasped hands dragging you behind her. As you crossed through the doorframe you glanced back to see Kylo standing in front of the couch, pulling off his tie while he watched the two of you go with a satisfied smirk. </p><p> </p><p>Abigail pulled you to the bed and you sat beside her, nervously flickering your eyes to the door. He said he wasn't going to ignore you, and he hadn't really, but sitting in a dim room alone with her felt like being ignored somehow. Her hands reached behind her back to undo her bra and you blinked at her anxiously which she returned with an assuring smile. You couldn't properly admire her tits, because you couldn't help but think about how Kylo had seen them before and he was about to see them again.</p><p> </p><p>You were glad when Kylo stepped into the room and approached the bed. He was your source of comfort and familiarity. If he wasn't in the room, you felt a little lost, but now that he was here again you almost felt excited, anticipating his touch. His fingers worked at the lower half of his buttons and he pulled off his shirt, eyes flickering between your and Abigail's almost naked bodies. That's the part you didn't like--the way Abigail was watching him with desire. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo moved past you both to the settle near the headboard. You could tell he was wildly turned on, not only from the bulge in his pants but from the glint of lust in his eyes. His fingers reached for you first and you grinned, though only a second later, his other hand reached for Abigail. Still, you were first. </p><p> </p><p>You were doing this for all the wrong reasons you realized as Kylo's hands explored both yours and Abigail's bare breasts. You did this for the power, not the actual sexual enjoyment. The reality was that you would enjoy being alone with Kylo far more. You would have an orgasm tonight, Kylo would be sure of that, but that was the extent of what you would gain. </p><p> </p><p>You moved towards him, kneeling beside his torso, and leaned over to find his lips. They were welcoming, desperate to swallow your own, and you moaned into his mouth, pleased with the attention. You were caught there, attached to his lips by some invisible string. Warmth in your core was growing as one hand grazed over your skin, pulling at the flesh around your hips and smoothing over your ass. For a moment you almost forgot Abigail was there at all. That was until you felt him flinch slightly and curiosity got the better of you as you pulled away for a moment to find her. </p><p> </p><p>Abigail's mouth was wrapped around Kylo's cock.</p><p> </p><p>You weren't sure when she had even unzipped his pants--while you were kissing him, maybe? Somehow that seemed worse than anything. Kylo tugged on your hip but you flinched away, leaning back onto your heels. </p><p> </p><p>His face was blank but his eyes were full of concern. You knew you should lean forward and kiss him. You should spread your hands over his chest or maybe hover above him to let him run his tongue over your nipples, but you couldn't. You could only stare at his eyes which were already staring at yours. </p><p> </p><p>Everything hit you at once. Abigail was there, sucking Kylo's dick an arms reach away, and it wasn't something new. She had done this before. Maybe even in this bed. You couldn't hate her. In fact, you weren't sure you had ever hated her--you hated what she represented. A past sugar baby of Kylo's--someone who spent so much time with him, fucked him, laughed with him. One day, you would be Abigail. One day, Kylo would have a new sugar baby and you would be one of the past ones, who's number was trapped in his contact list, never used or glanced at again. Someday you would be the one thinking of his pouty lips and dark hair and saying 'I miss that.'</p><p> </p><p>And you knew. This misery that you were feeling, the constant ache in your chest. The feeling when you walked into this apartment and saw his face. The way your skin tingled when he touched it. Your constant excuses for his attitude, taking punch after punch. It was all because you loved him. </p><p> </p><p>You weren't even sure you would ever love someone like this, so entirely, so painfully. You always thought love was fun and warm. You didn't know it would piece you together and tear you apart at the same time. </p><p> </p><p>You felt your frame shatter, shoulders slouching, face falling. Stinging pinpoints began prickling behind your eyelids and you begged yourself not to cry. Still, the tears gathered and you didn't look away from him as your lip trembled. </p><p> </p><p>You wanted to tell him everything only with your eyes, but how could you? It would be impossible to express all these feelings through only your pupils. Your irises couldn't tell him that this meant so much more to you. That his lips weren't just lips, they were a minty escape. His chest wasn't just broad muscle, it was the place your ear wanted to find, so that you might hear his heartbeat, the proof that he was at all real.  All the money in the world couldn't capture you the way he did. And he had no idea. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo's gaze was intense and full. The way he was staring so intently made your heart beat loudly and the tears in your eyes gather faster, barely staying contained within your eyelids. His hand moved quickly and your eyes followed it to Abigail's head. He tugged at her hair, and she got the message, pulling off of him. She sat back and looked between you, eyes flickering quickly between the strange expressions your faces held.</p><p> </p><p>"You should go," Kylo announced, tearing his eyes away to look at her for only a moment before he quickly returned them to you. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh," Abigail whispered. She pulled her bra from the bed and crawled backwards until she was awkwardly standing in the tension filled room. "It seems like you guys have things you should talk about," she announced before leaving the room, closing the door behind her. </p><p> </p><p>You couldn't let out your breath until you heard the distant click of the front door. The air was thick with silence, neither of you bothering to move quite yet. Kylo was still staring at you, but you could no longer meet his eye, not when tears were starting to slip, so you stared at the sheets beneath you instead. You only glanced up to notice that he was hard, his length erect against his stomach. </p><p> </p><p>Despite the water dripping down your cheeks, you crawled forward and threw your leg over his hips to straddle him. His hands immediately found your thighs as you sunk onto him, wincing slightly at his length. You wiped away your tears and rocked onto him, lips pursed to hold back sobs. </p><p> </p><p>"It's okay," he said gently, fingers gripping your hips and pushing upwards, signaling for you to get off. </p><p> </p><p>"You're hard," you said with a sniffle. "I'll just let you finish."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't care about finishing."</p><p> </p><p>This time you let his hands pull you off and you kneeled beside him nervously as he tucked his length back into his pants. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll go too," you announced. You didn't want to sit here and cry in front of him, and you knew you couldn't hold back these tears. It was taking everything in you now to not sob loudly. You slid off the bed and started for the door, Kylo trailing behind you in wide, desperate strides. You pulled your dress from the floor beside the couch and your shoulders shook as a sob broke free. Kylo stood in front of you, peering down with worried eyes. You messed with the fabric, struggling to find the straps, and his hands reached out to press against your forearms. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't want you to leave," he said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>More sobs left you as you ruffled through the fabric. Where the fuck were the straps? How did it get so tangled?</p><p> </p><p>"Why is this inside out?" you sobbed with frustration. "Why the fuck am I crying?"</p><p> </p><p>Kylo's hands covered yours, stopping your frantic movement. "Just leave it."</p><p> </p><p>"I should go," you said, voice shaking and small. </p><p> </p><p>"Please, stay."</p><p> </p><p>He stepped closer and closer, until his chest was close enough for your cheek to find. You leaned against him, tears soaking his bare skin, sobs vibrating through your mouth to his ribs. </p><p> </p><p>You loved him. You loved him and you weren't sure it would ever matter.</p><p> </p><p>"Come on. You're tired," he said into your ear as he placed his hand across your lower back. He ushered you into the bedroom and you crawled onto the mattress, collapsing into the pillows as your body racked with heaving anguish. Kylo joined you, scooting back to rest his head against the headboard. Solemn concern was etched onto every corner of his expression as he grabbed your hips and pulled you near him. He settled you between his legs, letting the back of your head rest against his chest. He lifted his arms like he wasn't sure what to do with them, but after a moment of hesitation he draped one over your torso, holding you close, while the other hand cupped your jaw, rubbing his thumb against your damp cheek. </p><p> </p><p>"That was a bad idea. I shouldn't have let it happen," he said quietly. </p><p> </p><p>You shook your head against his sternum. "No, no. It was fine," you assured him. "I just feel bad I ruined the fun."</p><p> </p><p>There was a long silence, only filled with your jagged breath. His next words came out a little strangled, but genuine enough. </p><p> </p><p>"I have plenty of fun with <em>just you</em>."</p><p> </p><p>He held you tightly until your tears subsided and your chest stopped rattling. His thumb never stopped stroking your cheek. You could feel his heartbeat between your shoulder blades, it's steady rhythm encouraging your own to slow down. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you want something to eat?" he asked when your breathing steadied.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm okay. You don't need to do that," you said, voice raw from your breakdown. </p><p> </p><p>"You brought me food in New York," he answered so quietly you almost didn't catch it.</p><p> </p><p>He slid from behind you, leaving you to plop against the pillows and watch him as he left. You sat there, soaking in your own embarrassment while he was gone. You hadn't meant to cry that much. You hadn't meant to have a full blown breakdown over the fact that you loved him and he wasn't yours. You wished you could go back, swallow your pain, and go through with the whole thing. By now, Abigail would have been leaving, you all would have felt satisfied. You would have told him it was fun and went to sleep like nothing had happened. Now you had to face the pain <em>and</em> the humiliation. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo returned with a plate filled with three slices of leftover pizza and a large glass of water. He took his place behind you again, and set the plate in your lap. You rested against him as you took slow, small bites. One of his hands held your water, propped up against his own leg. You only managed to eat one piece--your appetite seemed nonexistent at the moment-- before you leaned over to set the plate and water on the nightstand. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm embarrassed," you mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>"Why?"</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't mean to react like that. It was...a lot."</p><p> </p><p>He sighed. "I think we're past the point of being embarrassed with each other."</p><p> </p><p>You turned to look at him, hope clear in your eyes. He stared back. His features were soft, unthreatening. His lips shifted and you nodded slightly. It was hard to process what that statement really meant. Past the point of embarrassment. Even the embarrassment he felt about being vulnerable? You weren't sure the two of you would ever truly be able to pass that.</p><p> </p><p>You crawled away from his chest to lay next to him. He turned on his side when he recognized your actions, and you curled into his body as you did most nights. His chest rose slowly beneath you. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo?" you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"Hmm?"</p><p> </p><p>"I think I'm going to try apologizing less."</p><p> </p><p>There was a brief pause.</p><p> </p><p>"Good. You do it too much."</p><p> </p><p>"I know."</p><p> </p><p>He pulled you tighter. </p><p> </p><p>"Abigail said you and I had things to talk about," you whispered slowly. "Do you think that's true?"</p><p> </p><p>He waited so long to speak, you started to think he wasn't going to answer at all.</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe."</p><p> </p><p>"Should we do it...now?" Part of you wanted him to say yes. A very big part of you wanted him to say yes. But the more realistic part of you hoped for a no. Because if he said yes, if he ever said yes, you had a suspicion it wasn't going to be an easy conversation.</p><p> </p><p>"You're tired," he said plainly.</p><p> </p><p>"You're right. I'm tired."</p><p> </p><p>But you weren't. You had never felt so awake and so afraid.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I feel like I never say much on ao3! So thank you so much for 10k hits &lt;3 I love my ao3 readers and I always look forward to your comments--delilah (deli)<br/>just in case you didn't know:<br/>twitter (18+): chrliewhore<br/>tiktok: adamsrat<br/>wattpad: bluedelilah</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Alcohol and Pools and Moonlight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The only upside to having a humiliating and poorly-timed breakdown in front of the man you were entirely in love with, was that he felt bad enough to take you out two evenings later. The day between had been a nice cool down from your scene of sobbing and eating pizza in his arms. Ivy had looked ultimately horrified when you explained the story to her, and you felt equally horrified having to recount the events. As your best friend, she knew exactly what to do--a lazy day of takeout and movies and a little bit of crying, only a little. When you admitted to her that you loved him, she didn't really look surprised. You weren't surprised by her non-surprisal. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo seemed to feel pretty twisted up about the whole ordeal. It wasn't that you wanted him to feel bad--you certainly didn't relish in his guilt--but you had to admit it was nice to see him care so much. Though, he was worried about the wrong thing. Your breakdown had been triggered by realizations that you had been trying to avoid--you loved him and everything with him was temporary. Kylo seemed to be more focused on the fact that he had touched and kissed and been sucked by Abigail. To be fair, that had bothered you too, but you weren't angry with him for it. Just bummed. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo truly didn't have anything to feel guilty about--he hadn't done anything wrong. The only explanation you could assume for his new need to 'make it up to you' was that you had scared him. You had sobbed in his arms. You had tried to leave. He had witnessed strong emotion form you before--He had seen you angry and he had seen you happy, but you weren't sure he had ever seen you at that state of anguish. He wanted to spoil you now, because you had terrified him. He wanted to make sure you felt good again. </p><p> </p><p>The day after the failed threesome, he had called you, interrupting your moment of Dirty Dancing and a container of fried rice. </p><p> </p><p>"We can go out tomorrow," he had said when you greeted him shyly through the speaker.</p><p> </p><p>"Where?"</p><p> </p><p>"You can choose."</p><p> </p><p>"Anywhere?"</p><p> </p><p>"Anywhere."</p><p> </p><p>He pretended his sorry-I-kissed-Abigail-in-front-of-you-even-though-you-said-it-was-okay guilt was actually an urge to celebrate your book being proposed to publishers. He claimed that he had never gotten you a real congratulations gift so a night out of your choice was going to suffice. </p><p> </p><p>You chose the only place you were absolutely dying to witness him in--a nightclub. It was on the west side, farther from the coast, which made it a fifteen minute trip with Jack's efficient driving. You had been there a few times with Ivy, but it was a bit far for the subway route and the drinks were more expensive. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo looked nice in a gray suit, white undershirt slightly unbuttoned. You couldn't stop glancing at the peek of bare chest during the car ride and he seemed to notice because every once in a while he would run his thumb over the hem of your skirt. </p><p> </p><p>Your main goal for the night was to have fun. Both of you. So as soon as you crossed through the front door, you beelined to the bar, Kylo trailing behind you. You didn't bother with sipping on cocktails--you ordered two tequila shots before Kylo could even open his mouth. </p><p> </p><p>He frowned. "I'm not really a fan of tequila."</p><p> </p><p>"I'll drink both if you want," you offered. </p><p> </p><p>He must have felt even more guilty than you thought because as soon as the bartender set the tiny glasses in front of you, he grabbed one and slipped it down his throat. You giggled and copied his actions. Then you moved on to your usual cocktails while you huddled by the bar. </p><p> </p><p>"I feel old," he half shouted into your ear, compensating for the loud blaring of the music. </p><p> </p><p>"Why?" you projected back. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm probably the oldest person in here."</p><p> </p><p>You laughed, eyes scrunching, and shook your head. "Definitely not. I think you think you're older than you really are."</p><p> </p><p>He didn't say anything at that so you leaned closer, lips brushing his hair and continued. "How about tonight you can pretend you're as young as everyone else here, as young as me."</p><p> </p><p>He stared at his drink for a moment. "You always want me to feel young."</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged and downed the rest of your martini. "I worry that you never got to be."</p><p> </p><p>As if the timing of the universe wanted to hold a bright flashing 'fuck you' sign up, Kylo's phone buzzed in his pocket, though you couldn't hear it over the music, and he pulled it out with an annoyed huff. </p><p> </p><p>"It's Hux," he announced before he walked away, towards the front door without an apologetic glance. It wasn't so off-putting. That was how things always were with Kylo. Work came first, no matter what. </p><p> </p><p>You ordered another drink, one for Kylo too, and tried to soak in the environment buzzing around you. The dance floor was packed with sweaty, moving bodies, all bathed in multicolored light. Most people you spotted had glossy eyes, some of them slanted and stained with red, and everyone reeked of euphoria. It was a strangely beautiful sight--all these young bodies enjoying this moment and the vibration of the speakers as if they would't have to wake up on Monday for classes and jobs. </p><p> </p><p>Your moment of sweet appreciation was interrupted by a smiling face next to you, and a hand brushing your arm. The blonde boy, looking close in age, nodded at you and pointed to the bartender. </p><p> </p><p>"Can I get you a drink?" he shouted over the music. </p><p> </p><p>You held up your mostly full glass with a polite grin. "Thanks though."</p><p> </p><p>"I haven't seen you here before," he continued. </p><p> </p><p>You weren't exactly excited at the idea of this conversation, but you didn't have anywhere else to go especially since Kylo was preoccupied, so you took a sip of your drink and shrugged hesitantly. </p><p> </p><p>"Third time. You?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm here every other weekend or so."</p><p> </p><p>"Cool," you said plainly. You glanced to the doors Kylo had left through. </p><p> </p><p>"It's a good spot, isn't it?"</p><p> </p><p>You nodded, an awkward half-smile quirking at your lips. He wasn't the most interesting conversationist. "Yeah. Good music."</p><p> </p><p>"Definitely."</p><p> </p><p>You cringed and took another large gulp of your drink. Lame exchanges with boring men was absolutely not on the agenda of fun things to do tonight. Unless that boring man was Kylo. </p><p> </p><p>"You wanna dance?"</p><p> </p><p>It took every ounce of patience within you not to sigh. "I'm good," you shouted over the chorus. "I'm actually just waiting for someone."</p><p> </p><p>"You can dance while you wait," he urged with a wide smile. </p><p> </p><p>You shook your head, slinking farther away from him in your chair. </p><p> </p><p>"You're very beautiful," he said with a small nod. </p><p> </p><p>Now your patience really was running dry and you didn't bother to look polite as you pursed your lips and glanced at the front door again. You knew that if Kylo was here, this man would certainly not be bothering to talk to someone accompanied by a frowning over-six-foot-tall man wearing a Rolex. You suddenly missed his presence very much. </p><p> </p><p>"When you get a compliment, you're supposed to say thank you," he half shouted.</p><p> </p><p>You scoffed. "Could you fuck off? I said I'm waiting for someone."</p><p> </p><p>"Can I help you?" a familiar voice rang out beside you. Relief filled your chest and you looked up, immediately greeted with the sight of Kylo towering over you, his eyes trained on the persistent man beside you. </p><p> </p><p>"Who's this?" the stranger asked. "Your boyfriend?"</p><p> </p><p>You opened your mouth to tell him off, but Kylo beat you to it. </p><p> </p><p>"Move along," he said plainly. </p><p> </p><p>The man huffed and for a moment you thought he might argue, but Kylo's intimidation seemed to have won, because he scurried off, leaning an open seat for Kylo to fill. </p><p> </p><p>"He was being an asshole," you mumbled and handed Kylo his Old Fashioned. </p><p> </p><p>"I could tell. You looked pissed," he answered nonchalantly. </p><p> </p><p>You ordered another round of shots, assuring Kylo that he didn't have to do it if he didn't want to. He did anyways. It was surprising how far he was extending himself just to please you. Guilty Kylo wasn't something you were used to. You weren't entirely sure you liked it either. </p><p> </p><p>"I haven't seen you drunk, have I?" you asked, leaning closer to speak into his ear. </p><p> </p><p>"No, but I've seen you wasted," he said teasingly. </p><p> </p><p>You laughed and cringed, shaking your head at the memory of your embarrassing displays. Though you didn't feel truly humiliated. <em>We're past the point of feeling embarrassed with each other. </em></p><p> </p><p>"Are you drunk yet?" you shouted louder than you meant to. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was trying to hide an amused grin. "Barely."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, I am. I think I'm already quite a bit drunk," you mumbled quickly and let your head hang forward for a moment, your neck starting to feel too loose to support it. "I don't want to be the only one drunk."</p><p> </p><p>At those words, Kylo downed his drink and ordered another, which you smiled at. By the time you were done with your second martini, Kylo had finished his third Old Fashioned. Your balance on the barstool was starting to waver, and you leaned your forearms against the counter, rambling to Kylo about the publishing process and how stressful it was to have to wait for an offer while a bunch of strangers read your writing and judged every word. You could tell the alcohol was hitting him now--his eyelids looked heavier and he kept spacing out while you were talking. Every once in while he'd reach up to brush back his hair, and his movements were slower than normal, sluggish and a little sloppy. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you drunk enough to dance?" you asked suddenly. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo raised his eyebrows and chuckled deeply. "I don't think I'll ever be that drunk."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want to do it anyways?"</p><p> </p><p>He looked to the dance floor, face full of conflict. "I don't dance."</p><p> </p><p>"I'll dance and you can just stand there and I'll pretend like you're dancing too," you offered. </p><p> </p><p>He took a moment to consider it, and you couldn't stop staring at the bit of chest poking out from beneath his shirt. He noticed your stare and smirked. </p><p> </p><p>"Fine."</p><p> </p><p>You jumped from your seat as soon as he agreed, and grabbed his hand, dragging him behind you to the dance floor. You pushed through the crowd of bodies until you found an open spot, and turned, pulling his hands to your hips until his fingers were wrapped around your sides. And then you just danced. It might have been the alcohol, or perhaps it was his recent affirmations, but you didn't feel insecure as you swayed to the melody, hips moving side to side, neck loose and arms flowing in the air. Kylo's hands stayed on your hips even as you twirled, and you relished in his entertained stare. It almost looked like admiration. </p><p> </p><p>Somewhere along the way you managed to flip around, your ass pressed to his front. Only then did Kylo almost start dancing, though you wouldn't call it dancing as much as shameless grinding. </p><p> </p><p>Through your cloud of tequila and gin, you could only think that this was fun. Being drunk next to him was fun. Having your ass pressed to him in a room full of people, music echoing around you, was fun. Kylo's grin when you glanced back to giggle at him, was nothing but perfection. The way his hair was falling in his face, the slight flush of his cheeks from the stuffy heat of the room, the tight grip his fingers held on the flesh of your hips, keeping you close, was a temporary cure for your heartache. You allowed yourself to pretend everything was perfect. Just for tonight. </p><p> </p><p>At some point the dancing stopped. Your body was still pressed against his, but you were no longer swaying. Now, your lips were meeting between you with sloppy need. Your fingers were curled in his hair, his palm grabbing at your ass. If the two of you were any more sober, you were sure the display would have felt embarrassing, but now you only felt alive and content. No matter how messy it was--both your faces warm and damp with sweat, slippery tongues that tasted like alcohol, and stumbling limbs--it felt nice. It felt innocent. </p><p> </p><p>You weren't sure how much time passed. Things began to blur together, but eventually you were both out of breath and far too warm for comfort. </p><p> </p><p>"I can't stay upright much longer," you shouted into his ear. </p><p> </p><p>He nodded and pressed his hand to your back, guiding you through the crowd to the front door. You mumbled apologies as you bumped into people and you couldn't help but giggle at the unusually dazed expression on Kylo's face. The night air poured cold wind over you and you shivered at the sudden shift of temperature. Kylo pulled out his phone to text a message to Jack, who you were sure was waiting close by. </p><p> </p><p>You stood in comfortable, fuzzy silence. You kept rubbing your hands together, battling the frigid air, until Kylo got annoyed enough to wrap one arm around you, letting you nuzzle into the warmth of his body. Your drunken feet were thankful for the stability of his wide frame and when the black town car pulled in front of you, you were almost disappointed to let go and slide into the backseat. </p><p> </p><p>But that didn't stop the contact you were craving. Kylo pressed his side against yours, and you rested your cheek against his shoulder, taking deep slow breaths to balance the spinning world around you. You caught Jack's gaze in the rearview mirror and smiled at him sheepishly. He returned an approving lopsided grin. </p><p> </p><p>Getting into Kylo's building while both of you were wasted, was an entertaining and entirely humorous ordeal. You found the elevator alright, but once inside, Kylo had to stare at the selection of numbers for a full twenty seconds before he could find the right floor. </p><p> </p><p>You giggled after he finally pressed the button. </p><p> </p><p>"You're so drunk," you mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>"So are you."</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>As soon as you were through the front door, you both shredded your shoes and coats. You stumbled to the couch and collapsed with a squeal, thankful for a moment of stillness. </p><p> </p><p>You were faintly aware of a rustling noise in the room, but it wasn't until you looked up that you realized Kylo was stripping. </p><p> </p><p>"What the fuck are you doing?" you giggled into the couch cushion. </p><p> </p><p>"We should swim."</p><p> </p><p>"What?" you laughed with confused, squinted eyes. "It's freezing!"</p><p> </p><p>"The water is heated."</p><p> </p><p>He was standing in only his briefs now, and he gave you one last drunk grin before sliding open the door and disappearing from your sight. You took a deep breath, and rose to stand on jittery legs. You shed your clothing as you followed him--slipping out of your skirt and peeling off your shirt.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo was in the water, hair already drenched, and you giggled loudly when you realized there was no dark blur of his briefs under the water. </p><p> </p><p>"If that's how we're doing it--" you slurred as you undid your bra and stepped out of your panties. Kylo watched with gulping lust as you stepped onto the stairs and lowered yourself into the glimmering water. It was surprisingly warm and you descended quickly to submerge yourself in the comfort of the heat. Your body traveled naturally to where Kylo was and you waded in front of him, watching the way the water dripped off the end of his nose. </p><p> </p><p>"When's the last time you got drunk like this?" you asked, tilting your head back to wet your hair.</p><p> </p><p>"Drunk enough to dance? College probably."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm," you hummed and let your arms float in the surface of the water, watching the ripples bounce against your skin. "I forget how smart you are sometimes. You never talk about all the things you know."</p><p> </p><p>He frowned in confusion. "What?"</p><p> </p><p>"I feel like if I went to college and spent all these years learning so much about a specific thing, I would have to talk about it. I couldn't keep all that knowledge bottled up, not when I know so much of it."</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled and shook his head. His smiles were reaching his eyes fully with the aid of the alcohol, and you savored the sight of his dimples and glinting pupils. "I think it's different when you actually do it."</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe."</p><p> </p><p>"You could though," he announced. </p><p> </p><p>"I could what?"</p><p> </p><p>"Go to school, if you wanted to."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped and sunk until the water lapped against your jaw. "I don't think I do."</p><p> </p><p>"It might help with the writing."</p><p> </p><p>"I like how I write now."</p><p> </p><p>He raised his palms and stepped closer to you, assuring that he hadn't meant harm. "I wasn't saying your writing needed improvement."</p><p> </p><p>"I know," you confirmed. "Not that you've ever read my writing."</p><p> </p><p>"Of course I have." </p><p> </p><p>You froze with widened eyes and blinked at him. "No, you haven't."</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, I have. You sent me the book proposal to send to Pryde's wife."</p><p> </p><p>"I-I didn't think you would...read it," you stammered.</p><p> </p><p>"Well, I did."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." You took a step back and lowered beneath the water, letting your hair float around you in a moment of startling silence before rising again to smooth the wet strands back. </p><p> </p><p>"I liked it," he clarified. "Your writing."</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks," you said shyly. </p><p> </p><p>After a few seconds of enjoying the warmth of the water, you thought of something. "Do you have that coffin-shaped float from the Christmas party?"</p><p> </p><p>He squinted, trying to recall what you were referencing before he nodded. Without a word, he moved to the stairs and climbed out, water dripping all around him as he crossed the tiles. He opened a small cabinet in the corner and pulled out the box. You reached your hands out and he tossed it towards you. The cardboard hit the space in front of you, splashing water into your face and you groaned and snatched it up. You managed to tear the box open and retrieve the plastic as Kylo returned to the water and waded next to you. You took a deep breath in and turned away from him so that he couldn't watch as you blew into the small plastic mouth piece. Each breath proved to be a struggle, but you managed to deposit enough air into the float, so that the shape began to form. You pulled away and groaned. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm gonna pass out," you mumbled, blinking largely to keep your head from spinning more. </p><p> </p><p>"Here." He took the float from your gasp and placed his own mouth over the plastic bit, blowing air into the contains of the thick material. He pulled back for a second and wiped the plastic with his palm. "You spit all over it."</p><p> </p><p>You burst into laughter, covering your face with one hand for a moment as you dwelled in his teasing. "I didn't think you minded my spit."</p><p> </p><p>He raised his eyebrows and tried to say something, but his mouth was still on the plastic and it came out as a muffled, incoherent noise. You grinned and giggled again. Your head was getting heavier and your eyelids were blinking slower with exhaustion. With a few more puffs, and a couple of complaints from Kylo, the coffin float had taken it's full form. You happily crawled into it as soon as he set it onto the surface of the water. You got comfortable in the restraints of the pink 4-inch tall walls. You looked at Kylo, who was already staring. </p><p> </p><p>You patted the plastic next to you, though there was barely any space and suggested, "Join me."</p><p> </p><p>You had completely meant it as a joke, seeing as there was absolutely no room for an impossibly wide man to squeeze into the space. Kylo knew you were joking--you could tell from the suspicious glint in his eye--but he pressed his palms to your thigh and hoisted himself up into the float. You screeched and pushed at his shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>"No! We're gonna flip!" you pleaded, laughter mixed in with your voice. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo attempted to get comfortable, laying flat on top of you, his chest pressed to yours. You wiggled and took strangled deep breaths as you continued laughing wildly. </p><p> </p><p>You had seen it coming, but the sudden tilt of the float still made you shriek, and you tumbled to the side with it, dropping into the water. You rose to the surface with a cough and found Kylo already upright and laughing. </p><p> </p><p>"You dick!" you shouted, swimming towards him and smiling at his damp face. </p><p> </p><p>He only smiled back and examined your expression. Things felt still for a moment. Like the world had agreed to let the two of you enjoy ten seconds of uninterrupted giddiness. But the feeling of intensity passed and you shivered in the breeze that brushed your neck. </p><p> </p><p>"Your lips are blue," Kylo announced. </p><p> </p><p>You frowned and pressed your fingers to your mouth. "It's just cause I'm cold."</p><p> </p><p>"Then let's go in."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded. </p><p>-</p><p>You fell asleep as you had been recently, curled into his bare chest, only tonight your hair was damp. </p><p> </p><p>You weren't surprised when you woke up in the middle of the night with a full bladder--You had chugged a glass of water before bed. You slipped away from Kylo's hold slowly, careful to not disturb his peaceful position and padded to the bathroom. The bathroom light was especially blinding, and you closed your eyes as you peed, only squinting one eyelid open when you had to wipe and wash your hands. You cringed when you flushed, hoping that it wasn't loud enough to wake Kylo. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe that's love, you thought as you flipped out the light and shut the door behind you softly. Maybe loving someone means tiptoeing so as not to wake them, and giving them a glass of water before bed so that they won't be sick in the morning. It was a nice thought and you dwelled on it as you crawled back onto the mattress and flipped over to back into him, your spine pressed to his chest. </p><p> </p><p>"Where'd you go?" he groaned groggily. </p><p> </p><p>Your face scrunched in worry. Shit. You hadn't wanted to wake him. He probably didn't sleep much during the nights you weren't there, so keeping him up guilted you. "Bathroom. Shh, go back to sleep."</p><p> </p><p>He made some kind of throaty fuck-you noise and wrapped his arm around your torso, pulling you closer. Your heart fluttered at the sentiment and you leaned into him, your cheek tilting up to find his jaw and press against it. </p><p> </p><p>His hands tugged at your hips, grinding your ass against his crotch and you chuckled quietly. He was hard. </p><p> </p><p>"What do you expect after the way you were dancing against me tonight, hmm?" he muttered into your ear. </p><p> </p><p>You smiled through your sleepy fog. "Are you drunk?"</p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>"Me either."</p><p> </p><p>You pulled his hand from your hip and slipped it beneath the hem of the t-shirt he had lended you. You brought it to your tit but he didn't squeeze the flesh--Instead, his fingers skimmed over the skin of your breast, grazing over your nipples and making you shudder. His touch was light, but his pelvis was still grinding into you and you relaxed against him, the need in your own core appearing and growing. </p><p> </p><p>You pushed your hand underneath your panties and sighed as you pressed your fingers to your clit. Kylo's hand immediately left your breasts when he noticed your movement, and his hand slid over yours, shooing away your own touch and replacing it. There was something about the pad of his fingers that was more satisfying than your own. His were bigger, more calloused, and they sent shocks of bliss through you with each stroke over your clit. </p><p> </p><p>You pushed your panties down your legs, letting them disappear somewhere into the sheets, and Kylo took the cue to move aside his sweatpants until you could feel his cock press against your ass. You pulled your knees closer to your front side and reached behind you to take his dick in your hold. You placed him in front of your entrance and he sunk into you, your body molding into each other as he thrusted into you slowly. You whimpered as he filled you, your exhaustion making the burst of pleasure drift through your legs. </p><p> </p><p>His moans were muffled in your hair, and you turned your head to kiss at his jaw that hovered behind you. He moved his mouth to meet yours and you moaned into his lips, savoring their familiar plushness. </p><p> </p><p>Everything about it was lazy--the rhythm of his thrusts, his lips that were traveling down your neck, his groggy moans and your muffled whimpers. In fact, it was probably the laziest sex the two of you had ever had, but that didn't mean it was any less satisfying. </p><p> </p><p>You reached up to cup his jaw. "Kylo," you whimpered. </p><p> </p><p>"You feel so good," he mumbled back against your throat. </p><p> </p><p>You could only make a strangled 'Mhmm' sound as his cock continued to pump in and out of you, filling your walls. His fingers were no longer pressed to your clit, so you moved your own down to your cunt to make circles against your bud. You jolted and let out a pleading moan, which he hummed at approvingly. </p><p> </p><p>It must have been a mix of the alcohol that was still in your system, though you weren't feeling it's effects, or the exhaustion weighing heavily at your eyelids, but you came much sooner than you expected. You pushed back against him as bliss racked your core. Your walls clenched around him as a steady wave of relief rolled through your legs and you jolted through the aftershocks as Kylo came only a moment after, moaning in your ear and filling your cunt with a warm stream of cum. </p><p> </p><p>He pressed his lips to your jaw as you both caught your breath. He remained inside of you while the buzzing in your veins ceased and sleepiness pulled at your conscious. </p><p> </p><p>"Today was fun," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm."</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks for letting me drag you to that club."</p><p> </p><p>"It wasn't so bad."</p><p> </p><p>You giggled and though you knew should waddle to the bathroom, his softening length felt nice in your warmth, and it felt intimate to be attached to each other, the curve of your back snug in his chest. You stayed there for a long time, listening to his breath behind you and feeling the heat radiate off his skin. A strand piece of his hair was tickling your cheek, but you didn't shove it away. </p><p> </p><p>You tried to memorize everything about the moment. You always felt the need to memorize him. Most of the time Kylo felt like a fleeting part of life, a dream you would only have once. If you ever woke up, you hoped the memory would never fade. </p><p> </p><p>You fought your drooping eyelids and forced yourself to lie awake until you could tell from the heaviness of his breath and the stillness of his body, that he was asleep. You lifted yourself off of his cock slowly, hoping not to wake him, and slid off the mattress, prepared to tiptoe to the bathroom to clean up. </p><p> </p><p>The moon was glowing through a crack in the curtain and one single stripe of white light was streaked across his face, running from his neck across his cheek, stopping just barely above his eyebrow. His hair was splayed around him, floating amongst his pillowcase and his lips were slightly parted, deep, slow breaths brushing past them. His face was completely relaxed and at peace. You stood still, staring at his sleeping face, trying desperately to study it and force it into the folds of your brain. </p><p> </p><p>This beautiful, slumbering boy who owned all your affection. </p><p> </p><p>Tonight it felt truly like you were sleeping next to him. Not just crawling into his bed to have sex and then passing out. Somehow, this felt more real than it ever had. Like in the morning, you wouldn't be slipping back into your clothes and walking to the subway. Perhaps, you'd drink a smoothie on the couch and answer some emails. You'd even shower and wash your face. Maybe, you'd make his bed for him. </p><p> </p><p>You tried to resist the urge but you couldn't. You leaned forward and kissed his cheekbone, the sharp slant of bone covered in moonlight. A small smile tugged at your lips as you hovered your nose near his. His lips twitched in his sleep. </p><p> </p><p>All was well tonight. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>After the last one, you deserved a fun chapter!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Distraction</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You jolted awake.</p><p> </p><p>It took you a moment to process anything. Ivy was standing above you with wide eyes, her hand gripping your shoulder. You were in your own room. It was a Tuesday. </p><p> </p><p>"Jesus fuck," you mumbled groggily. "What?"</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo's here."</p><p> </p><p>She had obviously just woken. She was sporting underwear and a wrinkled tank top as pajamas. Two dutch braids ran across her scalp but they were frizzy and chaotic, random strands sticking out around her head. </p><p> </p><p>"What? Here?"</p><p> </p><p>"He's on his way up now," she explained. </p><p> </p><p>"What the fuck?" you groaned and crawled off the mattress, standing on stiff, unstable legs. </p><p> </p><p>"He kept fucking ringing the buzzer and I didn't know what to do!"</p><p> </p><p>You sighed. The room was incredibly dim, and one glance at the window explained that it was still dark out. Had it been morning, you would have felt a bit at ease, maybe even excited, hoping for a fun surprise, but a visit at night made you worry that something may be wrong. You couldn't imagine one single reason he would ever appear randomly at your door at this hour. Your mind could only assume the worst. </p><p> </p><p>"It's fine, it's fine. I'm sure everything is okay," you assured her. "Go back to bed."</p><p> </p><p>Her eyes were squinting and blinking, fighting to stay open. Ivy nodded gratefully, and possibly a little annoyed, and muttered a "Good luck" before shuffling into the hallway. </p><p> </p><p>You stood for a moment, trying to process what you should do in the almost non-existent time you had before he would be stepping out of the elevator--makeup? change your shirt?</p><p> </p><p>You couldn't even decide or finish the list of possibilities before there was a faint knock echoing down the hallway. You flinched and took a step forward, hesitating for a moment, before deciding that he had seen you look like a mess plenty of times, and besides, he was the one showing up in the middle of the night--He wasn't exactly allowed to expect your appearance to be pristine. </p><p> </p><p>With that thought, you scampered out of your room and down the hallway, not thinking much before you yanked the front door agape. </p><p> </p><p>The first thing you noticed was that he wearing a suit--which struck you ass odd, seeing that it was the middle of the night. He looked exhausted, puffy lips and dark circles under his squinting eyes. His hair was damp as if he had just showered and he took a deep breath when you swung the door open. </p><p> </p><p>"What happened?" you slurred, eyes squinting and blinking at the sudden light. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh," he raised his eyebrows and shook his head once. "No, nothing. Nothing for you to worry about."</p><p> </p><p>"But something happened?"</p><p> </p><p>He sighed and rubbed his chin. </p><p> </p><p>"Would you mind if I came in?" he asked hesitantly, gesturing one awkward hand to the space behind you. </p><p> </p><p>You glanced back. There was a pile of laundry on the couch, left behind as an annoying task for tomorrow, and dishes were stacked next to the sink as well as the pizza box from last night. All in all, the room was a bit of a mess, as you and Ivy tended to be slobs, and you gulped away your embarrassment. He couldn't expect your living space to be spotless on a random Tuesday in the middle of the night. </p><p> </p><p>You stepped aside, nodding for him to come in and he obliged, stepping through the doorframe. You shut the door behind him and flicked on the kitchen light. The air was dim and starkly silent. You tried to block his view from the couch, and folded your arms over your chest to hide your braless tits that were poking against your thin t-shirt. </p><p> </p><p>"I have to go to London. I don't know how long I'll be there," he announced.</p><p> </p><p>You frowned. "Oh." You weren't sure exactly where this was going. London seemed so far. </p><p> </p><p>"Some unfortunate things have occurred and Snoke wants me to clean up the mess. It all happened very fast."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh. I see. I'm sorry," you said quietly, still unsure of why exactly he was standing in your living room at an ungodly hour. </p><p> </p><p>"I'd like you to come."</p><p> </p><p>You blinked at him, mind struggling to register his words. He wanted you to accompany him to London. It seemed so important, so far away and new, a small smile tugged at your lips with surprise.</p><p> </p><p>"That sounds really nice," you said genuinely.</p><p> </p><p>He looked relieved at your acceptance, his shoulders slumping and his lips quirking upwards. </p><p> </p><p>"Great. Jack's waiting downstairs."</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes widened and you made a small scoff of confusion. "We're leaving now?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes. You have a little time to pack."</p><p> </p><p>"Well shit," you mumbled and strode towards your bedroom, pausing in the doorframe to look back at him. "How long is a little time?"</p><p> </p><p>"Ten minutes."</p><p> </p><p>Ten minutes was not nearly enough time to pack, and the minutes buzzed pass quickly as you tore clothes from your closet and shoved them into your suitcase. You tried to choose an appropriate assortment of clothes--a couple dresses, skirts, your favorite jeans, plenty of blouses and your two favorite sweaters. You figured if you needed more clothes, you could always purchase them when you arrived. You would have never thought about it that way two months ago. Kylo's money was far more comforting than anything you were used to. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo waited patiently in the living room as you bustled between the bathroom and bedroom, gathering toiletries and socks. Eventually, when he called out that your ten minutes was coming to a close, you rushed out and set your suitcase and backpack in front of him. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay, I'm ready," you said, though you had never felt so unprepared. </p><p>-</p><p>In some selfish part of your brain you had expected a private jet. Kylo was probably more wealthy than you could even quite grasp, but you were almost surprised when you arrived at the airport and went through security and searched for your gate like everyone else. You felt a bit guilty at your high expectations. Just because he had money, didn't mean he had to spend it in unnecessary ways, especially on you. </p><p> </p><p>Stepping onto the plane brought back the satisfaction of his wealth. You boarded first and the attendants greeted him by name, ushering you to your first class seats. Kylo, looking for some personal entertainment, explained to them that it was your first time flying first class, which you corrected him on and announced that it was your first time flying at all. </p><p> </p><p>"You've never been on a plane?" he asked, brows furrowed in surprise. </p><p> </p><p>You shrugged and looked away, but you could sense his remaining stare. The attendants were kind about it, though you were sure it was for Kylo's sake more than your own, and they pointed out how to use the tiny TV and seat recliners. You thanked them for their kindness but you felt ultimately a bit embarrassed. </p><p> </p><p>You tried not to think too much about takeoff as it occurred. You tried not to think about how this hunk of metal was about to hurl through the sky at impossible speed. <em>That's not scary at all</em>, you tried to tell yourself. You squinted when the worst bit came--the air seemed to press against your front and the floor was vibrating under your sneakers--and when things leveled out and you opened them again, Kylo was watching you with an odd expression. </p><p> </p><p>The next few hours passed peacefully. You nestled into your seat with a blanket from home keeping your skin warm from the cool blast of the air conditioning. Kylo sat next to you, laptop open, restlessly scrolling and typing. At one point you peeked at the screen to watch him type an email. He noticed your gaze and shot you a threatening glance which you mumbled a "sorry" at. </p><p> </p><p>He seemed to regret his choice of reaction, because he paused, fingers hovering above the keyboard, and slowly shut his laptop. He shifted in his seat to look at you, and you perked up, shoulders straightening, ready to listen. </p><p> </p><p>"One of the directors in London was caught embezzling. It seems that most of the other directors were in on it. There's a whole string of involvement through that office that I have to get sorted out. Snoke wants me to be there for a while to make sure things don't get too out of line. There's a lot of room for error when that many people in high-up positions are fired. Some of them will get locked up. It's a fucking mess," he grumbled the last part and you could see the dread in his eyes as he spoke. </p><p> </p><p>"Jesus," you mumbled. "That's a lot. I'm sorry you have to be the one cleaning up their mess."</p><p> </p><p>He shrugged slightly and opened the laptop again. </p><p> </p><p>"Let me know if I can do anything to help," you said quietly, turning to look away from him, a smirk playing at your lips. </p><p> </p><p>"How could you help?" he asked slowly. </p><p> </p><p>"I could manage your stress," you suggested without a hint of innocent intent. You finally looked at him, and already his pupils were wide and intense. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm pretty stressed right now," he said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>You flinched when his fingers found your leg, hidden by the blanket. You thanked yourself for your decision to wear a skirt--at the time, it had been a decision for comfort, but now it was aiding in convenience for his touch. His fingers slid between your thighs, and you shivered when they brushed over your core. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo," you whispered. "Someone might see." Despite your words of hesitation, you scooted closer to him, closing the gap where his arm was outreached. Hopefully, that would make it less obvious that his fingers were stroking over your panties. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm not worried," he said lowly into your ear, eyes glued to your focused expression. </p><p> </p><p>You opened your lips to protest, but shut them quickly when his touch moved beneath the fabric of your panties and slid through your folds. You kept your mouth pursed tightly, holding in any noises that were tempting your throat. Wetness was already gathering between your legs as his calloused fingertips grazed through your slit before pressing lightly to your clit. </p><p> </p><p>"Wet for me already?" he whispered.</p><p> </p><p>You nodded, nervously glancing at your surroundings to see who was close by. There was only one man seated in the aisle across from you and he was clearly asleep, head leaned against the window. The attendants had passed by only a few minutes ago with a beverage cart, so hopefully they would be occupied for a while. </p><p> </p><p>His small circles on your bud were making your brows furrow with relief, and you leaned your side against him heavily. His fingers left your clit for a moment, but only so that he could bury one inside of you. You inhaled sharply and shifted in your seat. Kylo's eyes were focused on your face, studying the glimpses of pleasure peeking through your facade of normality. His thumb returned to your clit while his finger pumped into you slowly, and satisfaction was buzzing through your core. </p><p> </p><p>You tried to keep your moans hidden, but a small whimper escaped. You pressed your fingers to your lips and squinted, throwing all your energy into staying quietly. Kylo looked amused now, watching intently with a heavy stare. He added another finger and leaned forward. </p><p> </p><p>"Hard to stay quiet with daddy's fingers in you," he spoke into your ear. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm," you hummed. His fingers were working faster now, and the warmth in your core was growing rapidly, the brink of your orgasm drawing near. "Kylo," you whispered desperately. "I'm close."</p><p> </p><p>His fingers curled against your walls. Bliss poured into your core, racking through your legs and tingling under your clit. You buried your face into his shoulder, lips tightly pressed together, and did your best to stay still as your orgasm rippled through your cunt. As you lowered from your peak, you didn't move your face from where it was hidden in his suit jacket, but you pulled at his wrist until he slipped his fingers out of you. He brought them to his mouth and closed his lips over them, sucking your juices off of himself. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't--" you whispered with wide eyes, surveying your surroundings. There was still no one watching, especially with the high backs of the fancier chairs. He smirked as he finished and you yanked at the hem of your skirt, attempting to return it to it's position. "Your turn," you whispered and reached for his zipper, your other hand tugging at the blanket, starting to move it over his lap. His hands pressed yours away, and you frowned. </p><p> </p><p>"I have work to do," he said lamely. </p><p> </p><p>"But--I want to return the favor," you begged. You pulled lightly at his belt. "Please."</p><p> </p><p>He looked at you with a soft stare, before shaking his head and pushing your hand away again. Your shoulders fell in disappointment and you turned slightly away from him, leaning back into your chair with frustration. He chuckled quietly and lowered his lips toward your ear. </p><p> </p><p>"You can return the favor in London," he said. You sighed and nodded stiffly. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo returned to his laptop and you pulled out your phone to look mindlessly through your podcast options. From the corner of your vision, you sensed Kylo's moment and you glanced up to see that he was peeling off his suit jacket. </p><p> </p><p>"Why'd you wear a suit anyways?" you asked randomly.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo frowned. "I'll have to go straight to the office."</p><p> </p><p>"It'll be like eight p.m. by the time we land."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo blinked at you, then his computer screen, then back at you. "No, we left early."</p><p> </p><p>You resisted the urge to giggle at his moment of confusion. "No," you said slowly. "The time difference. We jump forward. It'll be late in London."</p><p> </p><p>"Jesus fuck," he muttered under his breath and ran a hand over his face.</p><p> </p><p>Despite the humor of his silly moment, you felt for him. His eyelids looked heavy and you could tell by the purple circles under his eyes that he was tired. Kylo was probably the smartest person you knew--If he was making simple mistakes that meant his mind was suffering greatly with exhaustion.</p><p> </p><p>"Did you sleep at all?" you asked quietly. He glanced at you before he shook his head. "Maybe you should try to rest now." </p><p> </p><p>"I have to work on this," he argued, looking again to the screen. </p><p> </p><p>"It might be good to just get a little rest in. I'll wake you in like thirty minutes if you want."</p><p> </p><p>He considered your offer for a while, blinking at the white screen and pursing his lips. You could tell the exhaustion was taunting him, begging for relief, and eventually he slowly shut his laptop and slid it into his bag at his feet. </p><p> </p><p>He turned his head like he was trying to figure out what he was going to rest against, and you shyly smoothed the blanket out on your lap. You wouldn't mind if he laid his head on the top of your legs, but he was probably too tall to do so comfortably. Instead your leaned your shoulder towards him and gave him a hopeful look. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't mind," you offered quietly.</p><p> </p><p>He was hesitant, but he shifted in his seat so that he could rest his temple against the top of your shoulder. His hair tickled your cheek and neck and a grin found its way across your lips. </p><p> </p><p>You reached up before you could think about it, and ran your fingers along his jaw line. You could sense him drifting off as minutes passed and you pulled out your phone to set an alarm. Thirty-five minutes. You had promised him thirty, but you supposed he deserved an extra five. You let your own cheek rest against the top of his head, and allowed sleep to pull you under too.</p><p>-</p><p>There were no more plane shenanigans after that. Once you had woken up, the rest of the flight was spent listening to podcasts and music and secretly peering over Kylo's shoulders to watch him type. You liked the way he looked at the screen with so much focus, and the way his fingers moved quickly, the tendons in the back of his hand flexing as he went. </p><p> </p><p>Being at the front of the plane, and obviously a valued customer, you and Kylo had the privilege to unboard first. The next hour seemed to be a blur of sleepy and impatient activity. You found your luggage and waited for a town car to pick you up and drive deeper into the city. You weren't surprised when you arrived at a brilliantly stunning building, lit up with yellow glowing light--your hotel. The lobby was stunning, copper colored tiles marking the floors and broad chandeliers dangling from the high ceiling. </p><p> </p><p>Your room was impressive too. Perhaps a little smaller than the one in New York, but cozier and more intimately decorated. There was a living area, complete with two couches around a white coffee table, two of the walls filled with arched windows. The bedroom was closed off from the living room, though it was about the same size. There was a king sized bed with a deep blue blanket at the end, and a pale pink sofa chair near one of the two windows. It wasn't exactly Kylo's taste, but the softness of it all was refreshing. </p><p> </p><p>By the time you had ordered room service, showered, and unpacked, it was only 9 p.m. but after an early morning and a full day of traveling, it felt more like midnight . Kylo was anxious, constantly checking his phone and computer, fingers always reaching for the keyboard. You were cuddled in the sheets, wearing a thin nightgown, when you tried to urge him to sleep.</p><p> </p><p>"Aren't you exhausted?" you questioned, watching him through the open bedroom door. He was hunched over the coffee table, eyes focused on the bright white screen of his laptop.</p><p> </p><p>"It's only the afternoon in America," he said absentmindedly, clearly more focused on work than your voice. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, but we left early, and you said you didn't sleep last night anyways. If you sleep now it will help you adjust to the time change too," you explained, pleading with concerned eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm busy."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," you finally surrendered and pulled the covers closer. You fell asleep to the sound of his fingers clicking against the lettered keys. </p><p> </p><p>When you awoke the next morning, Kylo was long gone. His side of the bed was ruffled, his pillow dented, so at least you knew he had gotten some sleep. He had left his credit card on your nightstand, not even bothering to include a note, which seemed both trusting and slightly off-putting. </p><p> </p><p>Exploring London was exciting and new. You missed Jack. He would have been a nice familiar face to drive you around and ask you how things were. The random new London driver was far more solemn and quiet, which you didn't totally mind. You started with breakfast in a random cafe, taking your time to enjoy your surroundings. Next was Oxford street, where you spent most of the day shopping. You tried not to go too overboard with his card, you even pulled out your own a couple times, but you still acquired an appropriate amount of full shopping bags. You decided against going anywhere else too exciting, guessing that you and Kylo would be spending your evenings in the more nightlife-filled areas. Instead, you decided to spend the day at Museums--The Natural History Museum as well as the Science Museum. You didn't feel too odd being alone as you strolled through them at your own pace. You finished with a trip to Buckingham palace to awkwardly ask a random bygoer to take your picture. You sent it to both Ivy and Rey who both sent back excited messages and smiley faces. You wished they were with you. </p><p> </p><p>After a full day of walking about, you were relieved to return to the hotel and turn on the bath. You ordered a pre-dinner snack from the hotel restaurant and filled the water with soap until the bubbles touched your chin. It was a perfectly relaxing evening. </p><p> </p><p>Until Kylo came home. </p><p> </p><p>He arrived far later than you had expected--the sun was already tucked behind the horizon. You were slipping into your dress for a night out when he slammed the front door and stomped into the living space. You peeked through the bedroom door, almost excited to see him, but the tightness in his jaw and the wild anger diffusing from his posture, made your stomach sink. A few seconds to build your bravery, and then you stepped through the doorframe and watched as he noticed your presence. His shoulders were wide and furious, his brow strong and stressed. </p><p> </p><p>"Not a good day?" you asked quietly, ringing your hands together and feeling your high spirits deflate. This kind of mood probably couldn't be turned around enough to enjoy a nice dinner in town. </p><p> </p><p>"That's an understatement," he scoffed. </p><p> </p><p>You shook off his snappy tone. The situation at work really did sound terrible. You took slow steps forward, pausing in front of him to reach up for his chest. You pushed your hands under the opening of his suit jacket and pushed it back until it was sliding down his arms. He still looked angry, but he allowed you to pull on the sleeves until the jacket was off and you could set it on the small round table in the entry. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you wanna tell me about it?" you asked softly. </p><p> </p><p>Your attempt at being gentle apparently had little effect on him, because his tone was still stuffed with fury. </p><p> </p><p>"Snoke is angry," he spat. "He thinks this is all my fault somehow. He said I wasn't involved enough here, that I was being lazy and it never would have happened if I was watching over the company more. As if I fucking asked for this. As if I ever--fuck!" he shouted at the end, hands knotted in his hair out of frustration. </p><p> </p><p>A frown was clear on your face and you hesitated to reach for him, unsure of how anything could help. You had no way of fixing a work problem. You weren't even sure you could talk badly about Snoke when Kylo was so committed to him. </p><p> </p><p>"That's so unfair, Kylo. You spend all your time working, there's no way you could have seen all this coming. They wanted to make sure you didn't see it--that was the whole point. I'm sorry you're being blamed for what isn't your fault," you said cautiously. </p><p> </p><p>He still didn't seem any less angry. His chest was rising with shallow breath, his hands clenched into fists. Anxiety was knotting in your gut--his anger always made you feel uneasy. </p><p> </p><p>"Snoke says I'm distracted," he seethed, undoing his tie and tossing it onto the table. </p><p> </p><p>You blinked at him and reached out to touch his arm but hesitated inches away. "By what?"</p><p> </p><p>"Take a fucking guess," he snapped. </p><p> </p><p>You flinched and set your jaw, peering at him with betrayal. When was the last time he had snapped at you like that? It wasn't fair when you were only trying to help. You could sympathize with his stress level. He had an immense pressure on him right now, but you couldn't see how you could possibly find the space to comfort him--He was frustrated beyond anything you could persuade. And now both of you were agitated. Besides, if you were guessing right, you were the distraction Snoke was referring to. You weren't sure how to comfort him about his boss' hatred of your existence. A moment to calm down seemed like the most helpful option.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm gonna get some air," you said quietly, voice tainted with an edge of annoyance. You didn't wait for him to answer--he probably wouldn't anyways--and crossed the room to the white double doors, shutting them gently behind you. You weren't going to rise to his level of aggression. </p><p> </p><p>The evening air was frigid against your skin and you shivered. You hadn't bothered to look at the balcony before now, but it was pleasant--strings of gold lights hung over your head, and a metal railing surrounded the moderate sized space. There was a collection of outdoor furniture and a small fountain in one corner. You ignored the opportunity to sit, still agitated from Kylo's outburst, and opted to lean against the railing and watch the street below. </p><p> </p><p>Fighting with Kylo was never fun, but at least this fight didn't feel so serious. Just a hiccup. It was nice to only have a hiccup. Somehow it seemed more real--like a quarrel a real couple would have.</p><p> </p><p>Minutes passed. Cold, lonely, nervous minutes. You wondered if he had stormed out the way he had in New York. It was hard to imagine. Your relationship seemed far past that kind of immaturity now. Your communication had surely improved since then, hadn't it? Even Kylo had said it. You were past being embarrassed with each other. That meant you were past the silent treatment too. </p><p> </p><p>You heard the balcony door open and shut softly, followed by his steady footsteps working their way in your direction. You kept your gaze focused in front of you at the lights of the buildings surrounding the hotel. You didn't flinch when he stood next to you and leaned his forearms against the railing. You could sense his mind turning. </p><p> </p><p>"We have dinner reservations," he announced abruptly. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"You should go."</p><p> </p><p>You blinked at him, heart dropping into your gut.</p><p> </p><p>"To dinner, I mean," he added. His voice was mostly blank, though there was a twinge of emotion. </p><p> </p><p>"Without you?"</p><p> </p><p>He nodded curtly. Your face must have been painted with hurt, sad eyes and a furrowed brow. He must have noticed it because his lips twitched and he averted his gaze to the dark skyline. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't think I want to go alone," you said shyly, chest flooded with disappointment. </p><p> </p><p>"I have a lot to do. It's a nice restaurant but it's pretty private. I think you'll enjoy it."</p><p> </p><p>The noise of soft traffic echoed through the space as you contemplated. This wasn't what you were hoping for. You had been doing so well lately--You thought he would be sweet, the way he had recently. </p><p> </p><p>"I guess I could," you answered quietly. "But I'd enjoy your company more than my own."</p><p> </p><p>He ran his palm over his jaw, rubbing at his chin. You could feel the conflict rolling off of him, invading the space between you and suffocating your lungs. It was a bad day. That's all. People have bad days. It wasn't even the worst one you'd had with him. </p><p> </p><p>"I still have work to do."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," you finally agreed. </p><p> </p><p>You couldn't read his mind. All you knew was that the mentor who had been his lone supporter for the last fourteen years was angry at him, and partly because of you. There was a place in his life you couldn't insert yourself into, and that was it--His ties to Snoke. </p><p> </p><p>You stood straight and brushed your hair behind your shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>"Good luck with your stuff. I'll bring you back something," you announced stiffly. </p><p> </p><p>"Have fun." His answer was empty, utterly void of any real well wishes. Then again, so was yours.</p><p> </p><p>You crossed to the double doors, heels clicking against the tiles, and glanced back before you stepped through them. He was leaning against the balcony, but now his head was bowed, his hands threaded through his hair tightly. </p><p> </p><p>Your heart sank at the sight, but still, you left. </p><p>-</p><p>Kylo was right--You did like the restaurant. It was fancy (lots of forks) but it still felt intimate and cozy. When you gave them your name the hostess nodded with recognition. "Sorry to hear Mr. Ren was unable to join you." You wondered if he had called and alerted them of his absence. When they led you to a very private table, on the side of the room where the other diners might barely even notice you, you felt sure that he had called and requested it. Either way, you were grateful for the privacy. The menu wasn't too threatening, though there were some odd choices that seemed more like a cultural difference than a money difference. There were four courses which seemed overwhelming but turned out to be nice. All of them had strange components, but you managed to pick around the unappetizing bits and enjoy the rest. </p><p> </p><p>It was a bit lonely, but the waitress was kind and no one seemed to second guess why you were all alone. Besides, your perfect view out the window kept you company, as did the food and wine. Perhaps the wine kept you more company than it should have. Being alone meant no talking and no talking meant constant sips from your glass. You didn't turn away the refills and they didn't stop offering them. By the time dessert came around, your neck was loose and you could already tell walking out in heels was going to be a struggle. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't have to pay--Kylo had apparently already done so. You stayed silent in the backseat of the town car, head pressed to the cold window. You were far drunker than you had planned. When you tumbled out of the car, the driver reminded you of the to-go box you had almost abandoned in the seat. You thanked him repeatedly, and scurried into the hotel, hoping that you had remembered the right floor and room number. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo opened the door when you knocked, but he didn't greet you--His phone was pressed to his ear. His face was blank, other than a wrinkle of stress between his brows. You tried to focus on acting sober, slipping out of your heels immediately and setting his food out on the small coffee table. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was distracted, pacing along the windows of the living room, as you moved into the bedroom and stripped out of your dress. You did your best to ready for bed, but skipped a few of the more tedious tasks--You didn't have the focus or motor abilities at the moment. </p><p> </p><p>You were snuggled beneath the warmth of the covers when he walked in and pulled open a dresser drawer, where he had unpacked his things. You tried not to stare but you couldn't help it. You had missed the sight of his face. Being alone at a white-clothed table had made Kylo seem farther away than a few miles. </p><p> </p><p>"How was dinner?" he asked lowly, back facing you, hands ruffling through his folded clothes. </p><p> </p><p>"Good. I had a nice time."</p><p> </p><p>"Good."</p><p> </p><p>You closed your eyes for a moment, fighting the buzz of alcohol. </p><p> </p><p>"How was work?" you prodded.</p><p> </p><p>"Fine."</p><p> </p><p>"Did you eat your food yet?" you asked softly. The conversation felt riddled with awkward tension and the steady flow of his frustration--at work, at you, at Snoke, and most likely himself too.</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't see it."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh. I set it on the coffee table. It's something with beef. The menu was weird."</p><p> </p><p>"That's fine," he answered emptily. "Are you tired?"</p><p> </p><p>"A bit," you answered as you fought heavy eyelids. </p><p> </p><p>"You're slurring your words."</p><p> </p><p>"I had a bit of wine," you confessed. </p><p> </p><p>"I can tell."</p><p> </p><p>It was tempting to snap at him. Though at the moment, you figured he was fighting the same temptation. This wasn't exactly something you had experienced yet with him. Things were always either hot or cold. If he was angry, he was usually boiling over. This half-assed attempt at normal conversation and his frustration that he was obviously trying to fight through, was somehow more sickening than his usual bad moods. He was trying to protect you from his own temper, and you were trying to protect him from your need to fix it. </p><p> </p><p>He started for the door, beginning to pull it closed behind him. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo," you said desperately. He paused and opened the door wider, meeting your gaze. "Goodnight."</p><p> </p><p>You watched as his face shifted, the cold layer of indifference fizzling into a moment of exhaustion and feeling. He took three slow steps to the bed and leaned down, hazel irises focused on your face. His lips met yours for a short soft kiss, slow but still. It wasn't filled with passion or lust--it felt like assurance, a reminder that he was still him and you were still you and bad days were just bad days. </p><p> </p><p>"Goodnight," he whispered, before leaving the room again, tossing one last glance over his shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>Your toes tingled as you turned off the lamp, and you shifted against the mattress until you found a comfortable position. You could hear the low hum of his voice in the other room, speaking on the phone you guessed. Minutes passed and you could only focus on the evidence of his presence and how your soul was aching for him, though he was only a room away. </p><p> </p><p>You bid away your neediness by finding a crewneck in his drawer of clothes. You slipped it over your nightgown and curled into bed again, trying to enjoy the smell of his sweater. It still wasn't enough. He felt so far. So distant. You had been awaiting his presence all day and you had gotten a difficult surprise--isolation. You just wanted be near him.</p><p> </p><p>You tiptoed out of the room before you could even register your moving feet. Kylo was on the couch now, still speaking to someone on the phone, laptop opened in front of him. He didn't notice you until you were halfway across the room. You avoided his gaze, not wanting to see his puzzled expression. </p><p> </p><p>For a moment you just stood in front of the window and stared out at the city. The sound of his voice, nearby and deep with exhaustion, was comforting. It felt like it buzzed through your chest and flooded your veins with normalcy. A moment of sweet calmness after an evening of stress. His phone call ended and the absence of his voice, made you finally look up. He wasn't looking at you--his eyes were focused on the screen. You weren't surprised. That's how things were. Even so, you felt a bit better now, a bit calmer, so you decided to return to bed. </p><p> </p><p>But you couldn't leave without touching him. All you did was press a light kiss to the side of his neck. Not a long kiss. Just a simple one. You stepped back and his eyes followed you as you started for the room again. His expression seemed new, a little surprised. And under the tired droop of his cheeks, you could see a glint of torment. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. The Valley Where I Told You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the wait!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For the rest of the week in London, you held a silent, unspoken agreement with Kylo to forget that bad day. There was no point in dwelling on it anyway. You just wanted to enjoy being in a new city.</p><p> </p><p>You only spent your time in London two ways: eating in fancy restaurants and having constant sex.</p><p> </p><p>There was rarely a time where your hands weren't on each other or your mouths were apart. You woke up early just to let him fuck you in the shower, and as soon as he arrived home, clothes were torn off and every corner of the hotel room was christened by your wild antics. Anyone else looking in on the situation would have guessed that you were newly weds, the way you were all over each other, making suggestive eyes across white-clothed tables. You felt bad for your new temporary driver. Kylo couldn't seem to wait very long after dinners to slip his hands up your dress and connect his lips to your throat. Thank god the town car had a controllable partition that blocked the poor man's view from Kylo's neediness.</p><p> </p><p>Frankly, you were impressed by his stamina. He'd come back to the hotel and fuck you on the couch, only to do it again thirty minutes later on the balcony, and yet again before bed. In all honesty, you were sore—the muscles in your legs winced when you walked, and your cervix certainly groaned at you each time your panties disappeared.</p><p> </p><p>Though it was a bit exhausting, you never got bored of it. A switch had flipped inside of you, and every time you saw his broad shoulders and smug grin, all you could think of was dragging him to the closest surface and feeling him inside of you.</p><p> </p><p>You awoke on Saturday morning with stiff, well-rested limbs. The light was peeking harshly through the thin curtains and you pried your eyelids apart to search for him. To your surprise, he was already awake and standing on the opposite side of the room, hands holding a stack of his own folded clothes. You watched with scrunched brows as he tucked them into the open suitcase at his feet.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you leaving?" you asked quietly, terror rushing into your chest. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo glanced up quickly, startled by your voice, but his face was soft and unthreatening. </p><p> </p><p>"We are," he said. </p><p> </p><p>You pushed yourself to sit up, back resting against the headboard. "Don't you have to work?" you asked slowly. </p><p> </p><p>"We'll come back Sunday night," he explained, shoving the last of his folded clothes into the suitcase and zipping it. "I was just about to wake you. We have to leave in an hour."</p><p> </p><p>"Well shit," you mumbled, scooting out from under the covers to stand. He moved out of your way as you rushed to open the drawer below his now empty one. You gathered your clothes into your arms and plopped them onto the bed, pulling your suitcase from the closet and filling it. Kylo moved past you to gather his suits that hung from the closet railing. "Wait," you announced, making him pause to look at you. "Where are we going?"</p><p> </p><p>"I thought Scotland would be nice."</p><p> </p><p>Your jaw dropped momentarily, but you picked it up and smiled giddily. "Nice? Scotland would be nice?"</p><p> </p><p>"Better than nice?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes. So much better than nice."</p><p>-</p><p>The flight was only an hour which was a breeze compared to the journey from Boston. You felt as though you had barely had time to be excited before the plane was jolting as the wheels hit the runway. </p><p> </p><p>This time there was no personal driver--Other than Kylo. He had rented a black Jeep, which seemed a bit out of his normal taste, but once you approached more treacherous roads, you understood why he had gotten one. You stopped at a grocery store first to stock up on food. Only easy meals--pasta, frozen pizzas, and pancake mix. Then you were on the road again. You entered a town called Morvich, although the word town seemed less appropriate. It was more like a collection of hills with scattered old houses and buildings throughout. You were tempted to ask him exactly where you were going--a hotel, you figured but it was hard to imagine one in the middle of the rolling green landscape. </p><p> </p><p>You were incredibly pleased when he pulled into a long driveway and parked in front of a petite white house. Maybe house wasn't the correct word--it was more of a cottage. The door and trim were painted black, and there was a modest porch that greeted you with two plastic chairs. It was far smaller than you had expected. From the outside you would have imagined that there was only one room.</p><p> </p><p>You flashed Kylo a delighted smile which he returned with a small satisfied quirk of his lips. As soon as the car was stopped, you scurried out to take in the full effect of your surroundings. The house was settled in front of a vast green hill, spotted with sections of rock and dirt. It seemed as though you were in a valley, surrounded by high green planes of nothingness with the exception of occasional tiny houses. </p><p> </p><p>You hadn't noticed Kylo opening the trunk and pulling out both your suitcases until he was next to you, copying your focused gaze on the house. He approached it first and you followed closely behind, waiting patiently as he punched in the key code to the door. </p><p> </p><p>The house smelled like cedar and vanilla. The kitchen in the corner was tiny but still modern and sleek. There was a simple living room--two gray couches and a shelf with vases and books, a decent flatscreen TV propped atop a table in one corner. The wood floors were dark, the walls a soft white. You abandoned your bag, and Kylo, and started up the stairs that were stuck to one side of the room. At the top was a shaggy carpet beneath a wide bed clothed in a forest green comforter. There was a quaint bathroom too, obviously remodeled recently. </p><p> </p><p>You flinched when Kylo appeared beside you and set down both suitcases with a thud. You blinked at him, face sketched with awe. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo, this is so perfect," you breathed.</p><p> </p><p>"Kind of small," is all he had to reply with.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, but it's perfect. I was tired of fancy places."</p><p> </p><p>"Good."</p><p> </p><p>You rose on your tiptoes to meet his lips. His fingers grazed your hips and you stepped closer as your mouths moved together in unhurried unison. His lips were minty and warm, and the scent of his cologne lingered in your nose. You hummed and wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him nearer. His tongue slid across your bottom lip and a familiar warmth buzzed in your core. </p><p> </p><p>You pulled away to look at him with a suggestive smile. "I think I'm going to have a shower," you announced quietly, hopeful eyes blinking at him. </p><p> </p><p>He hid an amused grin. "I need to make some calls."</p><p> </p><p>You sighed discontentedly and nodded. His lips met yours one final time, sweet and soft, before he descended the stairs and you turned to the bathroom. </p><p> </p><p>After your few days of constant sex, being alone in the shower felt awkward. You kept thinking about yesterday morning when Kylo had joined you in the warm water and hoisted you against the wall, pinning you against the tiles and rocking into you mercilessly. Even when you had both come, he had held you there, thrusting slowly and deeply, keeping you connected far past any intention of pleasure. </p><p> </p><p>The thought made your cunt tingle and you shivered under the scalding water, wondering if maybe you could call his name. Maybe you could say something was wrong with the water fixture. You imagined him rushing in at the sound of your voice, expecting to discover an innocent broken shower head but only finding your naked self looking at him with desperate, pouty eyes. The idea was certainly thrilling, but another idea popped into your head. The image of him walking in with his phone pressed to his ear, examining the shower only to find that you had interrupted his important work for your horny antics. </p><p> </p><p>You opted to take care of yourself with the detachable shower head. It wasn't nearly as fun as Kylo's body would have been, but it was decent enough for you to make it though your shower without getting too frustrated. </p><p> </p><p>At least for a little while. By the time you emerged from the fogged glass walls, you were cold and needy again, pressing your thighs together to find some sort of satisfaction as you brushed through your hair. You moved into the bedroom and ruffled through your suitcase as you listened to Kylo's voice echoing through the house. </p><p> </p><p>Just his voice, deep and serious, was enough to make your gut warm with desire. Fuck. You tried to ignore it as you pulled on a deep salmon tank top with a thick knit sweater over it. But as you stepped into a pair of lacy, black panties you got a new idea. Whatever restraint you had before had switched to determination. He needed to work. You could understand that. But it wasn't your fault if he got a bit distracted. </p><p> </p><p>You peeled off the sweater and rushed back into the bathroom to examine your appearance. Cheeks still flushed from the warm water, hair damp, nipples poking through thin fabric. It would be enough, you were sure.</p><p> </p><p>You tiptoed down the stairs with warmth in your belly. Kylo's voice made you pause at the end of the steps. Somewhere between his stern words, you had caught the name Vic. You took a deep breath and stepped forward, revealing yourself to his sight. As you crossed the space to the kitchen, you refused to meet his eye, though you were almost certain he was watching you. You opened the fridge to pull out a sparkling water and a bag of baby carrots, being sure that your almost bare ass was facing him. The cap opened with a hiss and you brought the mouth of the bottle to your lips, taking gentle sips as you leaned against the counter and pretended to stare out the window. You popped open the bag of carrots, though you really had no intention of eating them. </p><p> </p><p>You waited a few more seconds before you dared to glance back at him. He was perched on the edge of the couch, phone held to his ear. His laptop was open but his eyes were focused on your ass and the black lace that barely covered it. He met your eyes as you turned and you blinked at him innocently, pulling a baby carrot from the bag and popping it into your mouth. You looked away again as you crunched and zipped the plastic bag closed. You returned it to the fridge, uninterested in the bland snack and moved to cross the room. You settled next to Kylo on the couch, one leg bent under the other, and stared blankly out the window.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll have to ask Hux to sort that out. Uh-huh," he spoke into the phone. His fingers found your thigh, and you scooted closer to him, pressing against the side of his arm. "Thanks Vic," he said, before tapping the screen and dropping the phone onto the sofa. </p><p> </p><p>"Everything okay?" you asked, feigning ignorance to what you had really come downstairs for. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm, come here. What the fuck are you doing walking around in this?" he asked as his fingers tugged at your hips, and you moved to straddle him. </p><p> </p><p>"I thought you could use a break," you whispered. He flashed a small grin and an eager nod. </p><p> </p><p>"You were correct."</p><p> </p><p>His hands were on your ass as your lips met, moving in lazy unison. This was what you loved about the sex lately. It was comfortable. No one was trying too hard, and yet it was still incredible. His tongue was exploring your mouth as you leaned into him and pressed against his lap.</p><p> </p><p>His phone rang out, buzzing against the couch cushion, and you groaned against his lips.</p><p> </p><p>"Hux," he explained, before bringing it to his ear. </p><p> </p><p>You figured as long as he was busy, you could go about things in the whatever way you pleased. He watched with a desirous gaze as you shifted to press your core to the surface of his thigh, and reached for his unoccupied hand. </p><p> </p><p>"I spoke to him yesterday, Hux. He's still claiming he wasn't involved," Kylo said into the phone as you lead his hand to your tit. He rolled the flesh between his fingers, and brushed his thumb over your peaked nipple, visible through your tank top. </p><p> </p><p>Unsatisfied with the fabric seperating his skin from yours, he found the hem of your shirt and slipped his hand beneath it, finding your tit again. You shivered at the touch of his slightly cold fingers. He pushed the end of his phone away from his mouth and leaned forward to wrap his lips around your nipple, sucking lightly and gently nibbling with his teeth. His hand lowered to your hip and he squeezed, pulling you slightly towards him before pushing you backwards.</p><p> </p><p>You worked with him, rolling your cunt against the muscle of his thigh. Your clit tingled at the friction and you let your jaw hang agape. He pulled away and watched your face carefully, fingers encouraging your slow pace. He spoke into the phone again, some buisness-y nonsense with something about a lawyer. You could see the bulge beneath his sweatpants growing and stressing against the fabric. </p><p> </p><p>You pressed your clit more firmly against his muscle. Unable to ignore his obvious erection, you slipped your hand into the hem of his sweatpants and briefs to find his hardened cock. Your fingers wrapped around his girth and you stroked it steadily as you continued to grind onto him. His hand left your hip and he adjusted his pants until his cock was unclothed and visible. You ran your fingers across his tip and he leaned his head against the back of the couch. The warmth in your cunt was growing, clit burning with relief, and guessing from his slack jaw and hooded eyes, Kylo was enjoying himself just as much.</p><p> </p><p>"I can wait until you hang up," you whispered as quietly as possible, taunting him by pausing the movement of your fingers and rising from his thigh. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo looked almost annoyed as he muttered a "Hold on, Hux," and pulled the phone away to tap a button, the mute button you hoped. "Take your panties off, now, and then you can come on my thigh."</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, sir," you said slightly sarcastically. You stood to slip the lacy underwear down your legs. Kylo returned the phone to his ear as his eyes studied your now visible dripping cunt. "Continue," he said. You had a feeling the word was meant for you just as much as Hux. </p><p> </p><p>You positioned yourself back over his thigh and pressed your cunt to it again, the friction even more satisfying now that there was less fabric covering your clit. Your hand returned to his cock, pumping along his shaft, and his lips parted in bliss. </p><p> </p><p>You quickened your pace against his thigh. Your peak was incredibly close--you could feel it rising in your gut, warmth burning under your clit. You pressed your fingers over your lips to suppress your moans, as the wave of euphoria rolled through your core. Your torso curled inwards, body jolting, and Kylo watched with dark eyes as you rolled against him, brows scrunching with pleasure. You caught your breath as your peak subsided, and met Kylo's amused gaze. </p><p> </p><p>You realized that your pace on his dick had ceased, so you continued your strokes as you crawled off his lap. Kylo licked his lips as you kneeled between his knees, and took his cock in both of your hands. Your tongue met his tip, and you dragged wet circles around it, watching as his jaw tightened and his knuckles turned white around his phone. Kylo's free hand held your jaw, silently urging you to take him in your mouth. You obliged and sucked in your cheeks, bobbing slowly along his length. He gave you an approving nod, leaning his head back against the sofa, Adam's apple bobbing with unspoken satisfaction. Both your hands worked at his base as you let his tip scrape along the back of your throat. You flinched slightly as your gag reflex was tempted, but you kept yourself there, willing away the strong urge. Maybe after almost three months of doing this, your mouth was becoming accustomed to his length. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo's breath stuttered under his chest, and a few seconds passed before he spoke. "I'll call you back tomorrow Hux." He didn't wait for a reply, just pressed a button and tossed the phone onto the table with a small thud. "Come here," he demanded.</p><p> </p><p>You heeded his instruction immediately, cunt warm and dripping again. You sat beside him, legs spreading in excited anticipation. His lips met yours and he tugged you towards him, hands gripping your sides harshly, before he flipped you onto your stomach in one motion. He tugged at your hips, propping up your ass, while his other hand pressed against the low of your back, keeping your torso against the sofa. You breathed in deeply as his cock slid into you. Even with your abundant wetness, your cunt still ached at his length and thickness. You moaned loudly, relieved to be uninterrupted by his phone, and he hummed in approval. His hand delivered a sharp slap to your ass as he plunged into you again and again. You could feel him in your gut, ramming against your walls, filling you completely. </p><p> </p><p>"You're so tight," he mumbled, breath hitched in his throat, voice deep with relief.</p><p> </p><p>You whimpered in response. His pace was fast and deep, mercilessly thrusting against your g-spot. The warmth in your gut was intense and burning, nerves tingling with every stroke. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, Kylo," you whined, opened jaw pressing deeper against the fabric of the couch with each thrust. </p><p> </p><p>"You came on my thigh and now you're going to come on my cock, baby," he breathed under his heaving chest. </p><p> </p><p>You nodded, struggling to speak past your low moans. "I wanna see you," you pleaded.</p><p> </p><p>You whimpered when his fingers grabbed your hips and flipped you over onto your back. He entered you immediately, continuing his thrusts as they became sloppier and deeper. You could see his face now--raven hair dangling around his flushed cheeks and parted lips.</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes met and he brought his mouth to yours for a short moment. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, you're perfect," he grumbled.</p><p> </p><p>You had been trying to pretend you didn't know the root of your newfound sexual appetite. But you did. You wanted to feel close to him, to savor his touch, because you could sense the wave rising. Disaster was approaching. Maybe it had been the cool London air or the unfamiliarity of your surroundings. That's what you hoped. But no. You knew better. You could feel it in your gut—the tension of something to come. You wanted him in you all the time, because you feared that it was your last chance.</p><p> </p><p>It was only now, his pink cheeks above you, a compliment ringing in your ears--that you truly believed it. Things couldn't stay perfect for long. Despite your every intention of staying calm, tears poked at your eyes. There was an ache in your chest. You were missing him before he was even gone. It was lonely to love him in secret.</p><p> </p><p>He seemed to sympathize at the sight of your glossy eyes, as he leaned forward to press his forehead to yours, palms holding himself up on either side of your shoulders. You felt a tear fall from the corner of your eye, sideways into your hair. Kylo met your lips when he noticed. Somehow the affection only made the pain in your chest grow. </p><p> </p><p>You managed to slide your hand down your own stomach until your fingers were pressed to your clit, providing small strokes of pleasure. Your orgasm took you almost by surprise this time. He rammed into you at just the right angle again and again, until bliss was exploding in your core. You clenched around him as you cried out, flinching against the cushions with every wave of euphoria. He grunted as you shuddered and twitched, curse words pushing past his clenched teeth. The warmth was overwhelming, full heat rushing through your gut and limbs, flushing against your cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>You lay suspended in a fog of relief, as he continued to fuck you. You watched intently as his orgasm took over. He didn't hold back his moans, which was a new normal you greatly enjoyed. His noises were throaty and genuine, soaked with euphoria. You watch his eyes turn foggy, eyelids heavy, and his brow furrowed as he twitched inside of you, his load filling your walls. As he lowered from his peak, his chest heaved with recovering breath. </p><p> </p><p>You reached up to press your hand to his jaw--you wanted to feel the warmth of his flushed skin, but as soon as you touched him, his hands slid beneath you, and he lifted you, keeping himself lodged in your cunt, and flipped over to sit against the sofa with you seated atop him. You immediately laid your hands against his chest, settling your face into the crook of his neck. His lips pressed against your shoulder and you sat still in comfortable silence, his dick softening between your walls. </p><p> </p><p>"Is something wrong?" he asked quietly.</p><p> </p><p>You leaned into him harder, trying to dissolve into his skin.</p><p> </p><p>"I just feel a little sad," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>His fingers traced over your spine. "Why?"</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Because I love you and I can't not tell you anymore, because every time you do something sweet, I think you might love me too and the constant doubt and wondering is driving me insane.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>But you couldn't say that right now. Post-sex on the couch didn't seem right. You pulled away for a moment to look at his face. You hated that his eyes were riddled with concern. "It's hard to explain," you whispered. "I wish things just always stayed the same."</p><p> </p><p>The concern in his eyes vanished and was replaced with something else. For a moment, you almost believed it was a matching dread that was held in his pupils. "What things?" he asked again, though his tone made you think he already knew.</p><p> </p><p>You sighed and leaned back into him, face nuzzled into his neck. "You know we have to talk. Like Abigail said," you mumbled against his skin, though every inch of you begged you not to bring it up.</p><p> </p><p>"Let's go for a walk."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded against him, but neither of you moved, still soaking in the feel of each other's skin. You could feel his breath beneath you, the warmth of his neck against your cheek. You held the moment in your palms, cradled it between shaking fingers. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo opted to stay on the couch, laptop propped open in front of him, while you rushed upstairs to change. You bundled up in a coat and thick wool gloves. Your hair was still damp, but you hadn't thought to bring a hat so you were forced to brave the cold. </p><p> </p><p>The air outside was startlingly icy. The slight breeze nipped at your neck and ears and you shivered immediately, zipping your jacket higher. The hill behind the house was tall, the peak farther away than you were willing to walk, but you started for it anyway, Kylo following beside you. </p><p> </p><p>The grass was tall enough to tickle your calves, but not enough to be disturbing. The main issue was the bit of mud packed into the ground, and when you slipped slightly, teetering until you had to grab Kylo's arm for balance, he pulled his gloved hand from his pocket and intertwined it to yours. You almost wished you could feel the warmth of his skin, instead of only the two layers of gloves. </p><p> </p><p>You walked slowly, not wanting to exert yourselves past comfort on the steep slope. Every once in a while, when your foot lost balance on the slick ground, you squeezed his hand to steady yourself and he'd press his other hand to your arm, holding you up. You gave him grateful smiles. </p><p> </p><p>The short trek was spent in comfortable silence--the only sound surrounding you was the contact of your shoes against the ground and the hiss of wind whipping through your hair. The cold was strong enough to make your ears numb and your eyes water. </p><p> </p><p>You approached a collection of large rocks set into the side of the hill. Your legs were burning slightly from the uphill climb, and you headed towards the boulders, Kylo trailing behind you in understanding. Gravel stuck to the thread of your gloves as you hoisted yourself to sit on the bumpy surface. You were too focused on the scenery in front of you to even notice Kylo's hip bump against you as he joined you. </p><p> </p><p>In front of you was a valley of moss green hills, grassy slopes layering over each other, rocky peaks sticking out against the horizon. Fog filled the sky, blurring the scenery into a fuzzy expanse of beauty. The sun was setting, though you couldn't see it through the cloudiness, and it was dark enough that the few lights of surroundings houses were glowing into the dimming valley. For a moment, you felt as though you were in a storybook, a unique protagonist in a new, perfect place. Looking at Kylo only made the fantasy seem realer. His dark waves were fluttering against his cheek with the wind and his nose was pink from the cold. </p><p> </p><p>If this was a fairytale--a collection of stories of your life with him--you knew what this exact moment was. The turning point. The risk. Here, surrounded by unfamiliar beauty, was where you were meant to make something. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo," you said softly. He turned his head to look at you, but you kept your gaze on the lush valley, the puffs of cloud hanging low over the hills. "I've been thinking about November."</p><p> </p><p>He shifted next to you, getting comfortable atop the hard surface of the boulder. "What about November?"</p><p> </p><p>That's when your heart started fluttering under your ribs, pulses of nervousness reminding you of just how human you really were. Because after all, this wasn't a fairytale. You weren't a princess. This wouldn't be perfect. Maybe that's the joy of being a person anyways. The mess.</p><p> </p><p>"Things were so different then," you spoke softly, but still loud enough for him to hear over the wind. You didn't want to have to repeat yourself. "We were so different then."</p><p> </p><p>There was a brief pause of his consideration. "I suppose."</p><p> </p><p>"You used to say things to me." Now you turned to look at him. His hazel eyes appeared confused, maybe even a little scared, anticipating the direction of your words. "Things you would never say to me now."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm." You could sense his mind whirring, his brows slightly furrowed. He was fighting the inevitable truth that needed to be discussed. He was dodging reality. You had played that game for a while now--Pretending these things didn't exist. You didn't want to pretend anymore. You were tired of hurting this way. </p><p> </p><p>"You said you wanted my devotion," you reminded him. "You would never say that to me now."</p><p> </p><p>You could sense his breath straining under his chest. For a moment, he looked a little paler.</p><p> </p><p>"Why not?" he asked lowly, almost like he didn't want to.</p><p> </p><p>"Because by now, I'm sure you already know you have it."</p><p> </p><p>There was a moment where your eyes were caught. The air felt thick, though you couldn't be sure if it was from the fog or the tension. Kylo tore his gaze away and planted it on the scenery in front of him. </p><p> </p><p>You continued, though the knot in your stomach was growing, tightening, pushing a feeling of nausea into the back of your throat and a nervous itch into your eyelids. "On Thanksgiving you said I was forgetting it wasn't real." You took a deep shuddering breath. "You would never say that to me now."</p><p> </p><p>His jaw twitched. You couldn't tear away your gaze. You wanted to stare at every inch of his expression with some hope of gaining information, reading his mind. So far, nothing. </p><p> </p><p>"Ask me why," you whispered. You wondered if he had even heard you over the whistle of the breeze, but after a few terrifying seconds, he parted his lips. </p><p> </p><p>"Why?" he asked finally. He was almost breathless, the word floating from his mouth like you had begged it out.</p><p> </p><p>"Because it is real."</p><p> </p><p>Your breath was caught under your chest, pressing harshly against your lungs, begging for oxygen. Kylo's face didn't change, but you could sense his shoulders tense. Even the wind seemed to halt as it awaited his response. </p><p> </p><p>Both you and the wind were disappointed when the air remained silent. </p><p> </p><p>Your throat felt incredibly tight now, anguish strangling the hope that had been lodged in your heart all this time. </p><p> </p><p>But you didn't doubt your statement. It was real. It was the realest thing you knew. Beyond the handbags and heels, the trips to new places and the fancy dinners, was something true. There was Christmas mornings and smoking on balconies. Running errands and kisses in parking lots. Moments of peace in the chaos of your surroundings--his parted lips and fluttering eyelids when he slept. There were pools and dancing and personal favors. There were late nights of aiding his stress. There was sex in a dim room, when his skin felt warm and comfortable, and his voice in your ear was dripped in affection. There were his cold hands, slipping under your sweater. Warm baths. Book proposals. Coffee and showers. Rain and room service. And over everything, there was fear. That this was all you would ever be. An almost. A million little shopping bags and dollar signs, that never turned into slow kisses and giddy whispers. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo," you whispered desperately. Your eyes must have been too stung with the cold to sense the tears that had gathered. It was only when they rolled into your mouth, dropping saltiness onto your tongue, that you realized you were crying. </p><p> </p><p>Silence. His blank face focused on the landscape. No evidence of emotion. No glimpse of feeling.</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo, please," you said again, only now you were begging. Your voice was dripped in panic. </p><p> </p><p>He didn't move. Didn't flinch. You reached out to touch his arm, and even when you did, he didn't react. The walls were there. Shooting up between you, blocking you out. </p><p> </p><p>Your next words spilled from your lips slowly, like you would only ever say them once. And maybe that was true. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo, I'm in love with you."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Kylo, I'm in love with you."</p><p> </p><p>As soon as you spoke the words, an invisible weight lifted off your shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>But it didn't disappear. It was on your chest now, crushing your lungs, begging your heart to beat faster. </p><p> </p><p>He didn't dare look at you. He was completely still, utterly frozen, staring out at the endless slopes of green. A sob of frustration tumbled from your stinging throat. </p><p> </p><p>"You have to say something," you begged in a tattered voice.</p><p> </p><p>The only proof of his conscious was his blinking eyes and the bobbing of his Adam's apple. You extended every ounce of your patience as seconds passed, maybe minutes, either way it felt like eternity. He wasn't allowed to do this. He wasn't allowed to shut you out again. He was allowed to deny you. He was allowed to yell. But he couldn't sit here, your heavy admittance hanging in the foggy air between you, and do nothing. </p><p> </p><p>You pushed yourself off the boulder, jeans scraping against the sharp sides, and stood with your chest heaving. You moved to face him, forcing him to look at you. His eyes were empty. His face was void of feeling. Meanwhile, yours was coated in tears, most likely stained pink from the cold. You were sure the double layer of mascara you had applied after your shower had smudged by now, smeared beneath your lashes. </p><p> </p><p>"We're past this, Kylo. Aren't we? We are so fucking far past the silent treatment."</p><p> </p><p>Nothing. You felt like screaming. The initial anxiety was being drowned out by rage. </p><p> </p><p>"Open your fucking mouth and say something!" you shouted, not bothering to hide your fury. Despite your anger, your voice was injured, broken and cracking from the burden of heartache. Angry sobs were escaping with ease now. They rattled your lungs and tore through your throat, uneven heaving breaths that pushed tears down your cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>"If you love me just say it, and if you don't love me that's fine but you have to fucking tell me," you yelled, your voice muffled by the growing wind. You took gulping breaths as you waited for his answer. His mouth parted for a moment, and you stepped closer, eyes flickering between his eyes and lips, desperate for an answer.</p><p> </p><p>He slowly closed his mouth again, no sound escaping, and you sobbed deeply, turning away to hide your face as your hands threaded through your hair. You tugged sharply at the strands as you sobbed towards the hills. Maybe, they could save you, wrap you in their green embrace. </p><p> </p><p>"For fuck's sake, Kylo," you grumbled sadly.  "I'm going inside."</p><p> </p><p>You pressed your fingers to your lips to keep your sobs contained as you started down the hill. You could barely see the grass beneath your feet--your eyes were too fogged by tears. So you strode aimlessly down the steep land. At first you dodged the muddiest spots, but after the first half of your descent, you couldn't bother. The thick clay clung to the bottom of your shoes, gripping at the heels of your sneakers. You didn't care. For a second you even reminded yourself that Kylo could always buy you a new pair. You weren't so sure that was true now. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't know if Kylo was trailing behind you--you refused to look back. Your chest burned with the cracking of your hope. Somehow you had convinced yourself that he was going to be able to return your communication. You had been foolish enough to trust your own intuition. You had imagined that his feelings were strong enough for you that he would at least try to be honest, the way he had done before.</p><p> </p><p><em>It's okay. It's okay. He hasn't run yet. There's hope.</em> You repeated the words as you trudged towards the house.</p><p> </p><p>By the time you reached the back door of the house, your eyes were raw and itchy, cheeks caked with mascara and tears. You fumbled with the handle, blurry vision obstructing your view. You didn't bother to shut the door behind you--at some point, he would follow if he wasn't already. </p><p> </p><p>You walked to the kitchen without any specific intent, but your body moved automatically. You pulled a pot from a cabinet and filled it with water before setting it on the stove and turning the knob to high. Your fingers shook heavily as you moved on to pull the box of dry pasta from the cupboard along with the sauce. You tore the top of the cardboard, not bothering to make a clean line and set it down. You moved to the glass round bottle of marinara. Your fingers gripped the lid and you twisted it tighter and tighter, but it wouldn't budge. </p><p> </p><p>The glass almost slipped from your fingers when new hands, Kylo's hands, tried to encircle the jar. You flinched away, pulling the bottle towards your chest. </p><p> </p><p>"No," you said with a sniffle. "Please don't touch me."</p><p> </p><p>Touch was the one thing he always had with you. You needed him to understand how truly outraged you were--how serious you felt about this whole situation. He stepped backwards at your words. He was still blank but there was a hint of misery under the layer of stony indifference. </p><p> </p><p>The lid still wouldn't move so you reached out to abandon the jar onto the counter. You must have missed or maybe it just slipped from your hands earlier than intended. The bottle fell towards the kitchen tile. The shattering sound of glass made you jolt backwards. Crimson liquid splattered the walls of the cabinets, the ankles of your jeans, the front of your sneakers. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck!" you shouted, followed by a quiet sob. The broken glass seemed like the least of your problems.  </p><p> </p><p>Your fingers were shaking violently now, a mix of heartbreak and fury racing through your limbs. You wiped away a new tear that slid across your lips. Without looking up, you pulled open a kitchen drawer. Utensils. You shut it and pulled open another. Spoons and spatulas. You opened another. An assortment of items--a fly swatter, a letter opener, hand sanitizer, pens, and a yellow block of sticky notes. You pulled out the sticky notes and two pens. You set it in front of him angrily and immediately scratched your ink across the page.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Don't you have anything to say?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>You held your breath as he stared at it blankly. He hadn't accepted his pen, though it was ready for him, uncapped on the counter. Seconds passed without even a flinch of his fingers. You turned away and covered your face, shielding his vision from the grief engulfing your expression, pulling more sobs from your chest.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Say you love me. Say you love me. Say you love me.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>The pain was overwhelming. The blankness of his face. The silence. It hurt more than you anything you had ever known, but your mind was trying to rescue you. Kylo wasn't good at sharing, and he certainly wasn't going to open up when you were this upset. Maybe, he needed a moment to comprehend all of this. </p><p> </p><p>You stood there until your sobs were replaced by hiccups and slow breaths. The faint clinking of glass made you finally turn. Kylo was using paper towels to wipe away the mixture of glass and sauce into the trashcan. He met your eyes as you turned and you quickly wiped away the tears and snot coating your upper lip. You squatted next to him, and gathered paper towels with trembling fingers, aiding his efforts of fixing the mess. </p><p> </p><p>"Grab that piece?" you requested quietly, pointing to a large chunk of glass in the corner. He nodded and plucked it carefully before tossing it into the bin. </p><p> </p><p>You cleaned the rest of it in silence, other than your occasional sniffles, and you started to pour the dry pasta into the water as he wiped down the last splatter left on the fridge. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm going to change my clothes," you announced in a raw voice. You stepped out of your shoes, leaving the muddy sneakers at the front door, before you walked upstairs. </p><p> </p><p>You knew your appearance would be rough, but the bathroom mirror still greeted you with a difficult image. Your eyes were red and puffy. Mascara was smeared beneath your eyes, one single line of black makeup streaked down your cheek. Your lips were chapped and swollen. Your hair was ratty from the harsh wind. </p><p> </p><p>You attempted to recover your appearance, but your energy was dwindling. You managed to brush through your hair and wash your face. The puffy lips and bloodshot eyes, however, could not be erased. You replaced your muddy, marinara-stained jeans with yoga pants. </p><p> </p><p>When you returned to the kitchen, the pasta was cooked and separated onto two plates. White sauce was piled atop it, and you remembered that you had bought Alfredo sauce with the intention of mixing it with the red. It was Ivy's favorite cheap meal and you had assured Kylo it was good even though he had been hesitant. </p><p> </p><p>The TV was turned on now, a random movie playing quietly. Kylo held out the plate to you, along with a glass of wine. You accepted them both. </p><p> </p><p>"Thanks," you said quietly. </p><p> </p><p>You followed him to the couch where you both settled against the cushions, plates balancing on your laps. </p><p> </p><p>The meal was eaten without conversation. You both stayed there, inches away, until the movie ended and the screen turned black. </p><p> </p><p>With each minute that passed, hope drained from your soul. Kylo needed time. That's how he usually was. He needed to process things, that's all. </p><p> </p><p>At least, that's the thought you clung to as you changed into your nightgown and settled into the mattress. The bathroom door was open, and you watched numbly as Kylo brushed his teeth. </p><p> </p><p>You had watched him brush his teeth on Christmas Eve, when there were tears in his eyes. Just that, a small moment of the slightest vulnerability, had made him disappear for two weeks. Now you had admitted you loved him. And he had said absolutely nothing. You wondered how much time he would need for this one. Months probably. Months. </p><p> </p><p>He turned out the lights as he made his way to the other side of the bed and settled in next to you. Your bodies didn't touch and you couldn't see him through the dark, but you could tell by the sound of his quiet breath that he was facing you. </p><p> </p><p>Neither of you moved. Your skin didn't meet. And as you lay in the silence, suffocating in it's weight, you started to think that maybe time couldn't heal this. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo," you whispered. He shifted slightly, alerting you that he was listening. "If you had asked me, at any point, to be more than this, I would have said yes."</p><p> </p><p>Deep, disappointing silence. Your throat began to sting. Surely you had run out of tears by now. But no, they were already gathering beneath your eyelids. </p><p> </p><p>"If you love me you have to tell me," you whispered. "And if you don't love me, you have to tell me that too."</p><p> </p><p>Nothing. Big, aching quiet. A warm tear slipped out of your eye, running sideways across the bridge of your nose. </p><p> </p><p>He wasn't going to tell you. He wasn't going to admit anything. You couldn't make Kylo Ren love you, and you couldn't love someone who didn't want to be loved. </p><p> </p><p>"I can't go on like this." Your voice cracked, breath shuddering. </p><p> </p><p>What would happen tomorrow? You would wake up and pretend nothing happened? Kylo would get to continue his life while you constantly excused his unfair behavior. To keep going, with only your admittance of love being known, would mean waking up every day and dying again and again. It would mean clinging to every word he said, hoping that it was something real. It meant letting him drag you along with blisters on your feet that you pretended weren't there. Maybe, one day he could say it. But what day was that? </p><p> </p><p>That didn't matter anyways. If he loved you, he would find a way to say it. He had found ways to say things before. He wasn't lacking bravery. He was lacking feeling. </p><p> </p><p>You pushed yourself to sit against the headboard, silent tears dripping onto your nightgown. You wanted him. You wanted him to love you. You wanted to have him in every way imaginable. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you love me?" you asked, voice thick with anguish. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo didn't speak.</p><p> </p><p>He didn't love you. And even if he did, he didn't love you the way he was supposed to.</p><p> </p><p>Just because he hadn't run, didn't mean you should stay.</p><p> </p><p>You slid from the bed, out of the covers, onto the shaggy carpet. Kylo turned slightly in bed, and you imagined that he sitting up now, curious of your actions. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm going home," you announced sadly. </p><p> </p><p>Stumbling through the darkness, you managed to flip the bathroom light on, supplying you with enough light to find your empty suitcase. You pulled your clothes from where you had hung them in the closet, one by one popping them from their hanger. The tears were coming faster now, the pain still loud in your veins. </p><p> </p><p>You paused with a dress in your hands, conscious buzzing harshly within your skull. You folded it and placed it into the luggage, reaching for the next clothing item to fold. You didn't look at him, but from the corner of your vision, you knew he was sitting up, watching you blankly. He didn't answer but at this point you didn't expect him to. He wasn't going to speak, but you still could. He deserved to know how much he was hurting you. You hoped he had enough humanity to sympathize with your pain.</p><p> </p><p>"You know what the worst part is?" you asked quietly, moving to pull your shoes from the closet floor and wedge them between the piles of fabric. "We were friends, don't you think? It wasn't just the sex-- I wish it had been that shallow--but we trusted each other. We had fun." You started for the bathroom but paused outside the door frame. "You were starting to feel like my best friend," you said, lip trembling, before you disappeared through the door. </p><p> </p><p>When you emerged with your toiletries gathered in your arms, you almost forgot what you had said. You were starting to feel calmer. Until he finally spoke.</p><p> </p><p>"I thought Ivy was your best friend," he said plainly. His face was pale, his eyes filled with numb nothingness.</p><p> </p><p>You dropped your collection of toiletries--makeup bag, hairdryer, flat iron, etc.-- into the top of the suitcase and shoved them to fit. "You can have more than one best friend, Kylo," you said under your breath. You wanted to scream. The one time he decided to speak was for a silly, irrelevant question. You zipped the suitcase in one angry movement and yanked it to stand on the floor. The tears were falling louder now, struggled breaths heaving in your chest, as you lugged it down the stairs with Kylo trailing behind you. He grabbed the Jeep keys from the kitchen counter without a word, but you moved to block the door.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't need you to drive me. I'll figure something else out," you announced through a stuffy throat. </p><p> </p><p>He didn't sulk, no slump in shoulders or fall of his face, but he set the keys back onto the granite and looked at you expectantly. Rage and pain and heartbreak and love, and everything you didn't know you could feel at once, was swelling in your gut, crushing your lungs and squeezing your throat.</p><p> </p><p>You opened the front door and stepped onto the porch, keeping the door agape with one hand as you stared at his blank face. You wondered if this really was the last time you'd ever get to look at him. Prominent nose. Hazel eyes. Waves of dark hair. Splattered freckles. Pouty lips. A sob broke through your chest but you tried to trap it, resulting in an awkward choking sound. You coughed before you spoke. </p><p> </p><p>"It's not that you don't love me back, it's that you can't respect me enough to even tell me the feelings aren't returned," you whispered sternly.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo stared at his shoes as he spoke. "It's over, then?" It barely sounded like a question.</p><p> </p><p>"Is that what you want?" you asked softly, begging him to be truthful.</p><p> </p><p>His answer never came. He didn't even open his lips to try to reply. </p><p> </p><p> You let a long bout of silence fill the air, proving your next point. "You're a fucking coward."</p><p> </p><p>You slammed the door and everything inside you seemed to shatter at once.</p><p> </p><p>You forced yourself to make it to the end of the driveway before you broke completely. As soon as you turned to walk onto the road, your lips finally parted from their pursed position. You had been sobbing before, but this was something more. This felt like screaming. Like your lungs were searching for an oxygen they couldn't find, and your heart was begging for peace that didn't exist. Your shoulders shook violently as free sobs broke through. Your muscles ached from the strain of your anguish as it crushed you with it's weight. </p><p> </p><p>Your time with Kylo Ren was over. He wasn't going to pick you up in his black Porsche and take you to dinner. His name wouldn't pop up in your phone tomorrow or the next day. You weren't going to sleep on his silk sheets or lean against his balcony again. You wouldn't taste smoke on his tongue or feel his heart beat under your palms. He would no longer exist in your world. </p><p> </p><p>You covered your mouth to muffle the ungodly sobs rattling your throat. You were far from civilization and even then you were ashamed of the power you had let him hold over you. </p><p> </p><p>You took step after step. You could be like this, shattered and bruised, as long as you kept going. On the drive in, Kylo had pointed out a house about a mile away that he claimed belonged to the owners of your AirBnb. Hopefully their hospitality would save you.</p><p> </p><p>By the time you reached their white two-storied home, your eyes were raw and burning, your throat sore, lips chapped. You knew how you must have looked when you rang the doorbell and they greeted you with wide eyes. You looked like someone who had just screamed into the empty hills with the largest pain you knew. </p><p> </p><p>They were understanding when you offered an incredibly vague explanation. They must have been in their sixties, and you felt terrible when you remembered that it was late evening and you were disturbing the end of their night. Even so, you were relieved when the older man offered to give you a ride. </p><p> </p><p>He wanted to drive you all the way to the airport but you insisted on him taking you to only the closest bus station. You were too numb and scared and embarrassed to cry now. You weren't even sure you had tears left within your eyelids anyways. </p><p> </p><p>The train took five hours. You opted to stare out the window. You tried not to think of him. In fact you tried your best to think about nothing at all. You managed to make it without breaking down in your poorly-cushioned seat. </p><p> </p><p>Then things got a little more complicated. You had to buy a flight. The closest one was in three hours. It was already two in the morning. In Boston it was nine p.m. which meant Rey and Ivy were awake and able to send you enough money for the flight. You refused to tell them your reason for returning. You didn't want to risk the potential of another breakdown. </p><p> </p><p>At the gate, you kept glancing up from your phone, thinking, hoping, praying, that you'd seen him rushing through the space to where you were. You had enough hope left to imagine that he had jumped in his Jeep and brought a random ticket just so that he could stop you. </p><p> </p><p>Reality was cruel. No matter how much you wanted that moment it never came. He didn't follow you. He didn't call you and beg you to stay. Kylo Ren didn't love you.</p><p> </p><p>The trip home felt like forever. A two hour layover in London. A constant wave of numbness drowning you again and again. You ate the bland plane meal with automatic movements. You did your best to smile at the flight attendants, but your face felt sore from the events of the past day.</p><p> </p><p>When the wheels jolted against the Boston ground, you didn't feel relief. Just dread. A gaping hole in your gut that chewed at any slight joy to be home. You didn't ask anyone to pick you up from the airport even though both Rey and Ivy offered. You were surprised to see Jack waiting at the outside of the gate, holding a sign with your last name. </p><p> </p><p>Just seeing his familiar face brought a pang of nostalgia. </p><p> </p><p>"He asked you to pick me up?" you questioned quietly, avoiding his eye contact.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes, Miss," he said shyly, as if he knew what had occurred. You were sure he didn't know the specifics but it wasn't difficult to guess. You just nodded and he silently took your bags from you and led you outside. </p><p> </p><p>When you were buckled and pulling away from the parking garage, he asked, "How was your trip, Miss?"</p><p> </p><p>You caught his eye in the rearview mirror. The tearful look on your face was enough to make him remain silent the rest of the ride. </p><p> </p><p>Your front door should have felt welcoming. But as you stared at the slab of cheap wood, all you could feel was empty. Once you walked through, it would be real. He would really be gone. You would really be home. Though right now, Scotland, a place you'd only been once, seemed more home than anything. But that wasn't a matter of geography. It was because he was there. </p><p> </p><p>You must have stood outside that door for several pathetic minutes, before you finally accepted that this was how things were, and turned the handle. Of course it wasn't locked. Ivy was bad at remembering to do so. </p><p> </p><p>Kitchen Nightmares was on the TV, the sound of Gordon Ramsay's yelling echoing through the dim space. Ivy was lounging on the couch, wrapped in a thick blanket, messy braids frizzy against the pillows. She shot up from her position when your suitcase banged against the doorframe. You grumbled as you dragged it in. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi babe," she said quickly, shoving the blankets away to perch on the edge of the sofa. "Are you okay?"</p><p> </p><p>You nodded and shrugged casually, though just the sight of her, the sound of her voice, made the need for comfort pull stronger at you. It was that, and the combination of exhaustion, that made tears spring to your eyes. You were surprised you had any left. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh babe," Ivy said sympathetically, reaching out her arms. You tried to resist the urge to collapse as you sat next to her and leaned into a hug. "Do you wanna talk about it?" she whispered into your hair.</p><p> </p><p>"I told him," you said, voice cracking with misery. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy pulled you tighter against her and hummed sadly. "Did it feel good to say it?"</p><p> </p><p>You nodded and burrowed your face into her shoulder. "Yeah but it hurt."</p><p> </p><p>You could tell her next question came out cautiously, but you didn't blame her for asking. "What did he say?"</p><p> </p><p>You could only answer with a heavy sob. She squeezed you even tighter and leaned her head against yours cooing, "Aw no, babe, no, no, no." Crying didn't even feel satisfying anymore--it felt exhausting, heavy. </p><p> </p><p>"He didn't say anything at all," you croaked.</p><p> </p><p>"That asshole," she mumbled. "That fucking--" You could feel her breath hitch with anger. There was a moment of silence, other than your cries, and you imagined that she was reminding herself of what you needed to hear. "You didn't deserve that. You did so much for him."</p><p> </p><p>You curled inwards, bringing your legs to fold against your chest, against her chest, and you took a deep, shuddering breath of surrender. The pain was too much. It was splitting through your gut, piercing your throat, strangling your mind. You just wanted to sleep for as long as you could. At least then you would forget this was real.</p><p> </p><p>"I thought he loved me too," you whispered, voice muffled against her hair. </p><p> </p><p>"I know babe."</p><p> </p><p>"I wanted him to love me."</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Here's a list of songs that I have spent the past three months associating with this chapter (and the one before this):</p><p>My Tears Are Becoming A Sea- M83</p><p>Exile- Taylor Swift</p><p>For Blue Skies- Strays Don't Sleep</p><p>Say Something- A Great Big World (cheesy, but it fits)</p><p>Goodnight, Travel Well- The Killers</p><p> </p><p>So if you feel like crying I recommend those. And now I have to say something that I really don't want to. We are nearing the end. I don't want to share the exact number of chapters, but I felt like I should warn you. Don't get too sad about that yet! For now, we still have some things to get through. </p><p>Feel free to process your emotions in the comments lol. --deli</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. It's All Pretend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Life went on even without Kylo. </p><p> </p><p>Six weeks ago you truly believed that time would forever stand still. Life is too busy to be derailed by one heartbreak. </p><p> </p><p>The first week was the hardest. If you weren't sleeping, you were yelling, mostly about him. And if you weren't crying, you were numb. That time seemed like a blur, a mix of anger and consuming anguish. There was once when Ivy had walked around your room, searching for a shirt you had borrowed while you watched her from beneath the covers. There was a small snap and her brows had furrowed when she realized she had accidentally stepped on a pair of sunglasses. She had apologized then, "Shit, sorry, I'll buy you new ones." But she couldn't replace those. Kylo had bought them for you in London. You must have cried for hours on the floor, holding the pieces in your trembling hands. Ivy offered to put them together again with super glue so you let her try, but the ends were crooked and unwearable. </p><p> </p><p>The next morning you woke up with puffy eyes and stared at those broken sunglasses. You threw them away, and decided that you were allowed to be heartbroken, and hurt, and scared, and completely shattered, but you couldn't stay in bed any longer. </p><p> </p><p>You found a publisher, a good one too, and the process of getting your book out into the world began. Most of it was fun--writing the blurb summary for the back cover, planning advertisement tactics, picking a cover photo and a font for the title. It was a good distraction. </p><p> </p><p>That was your main device for getting over him. Distraction. You found it anywhere you could. In fact, your days became so stuffed with activity, that the only moment you got to dwell in your misery was the few minutes before you fell asleep. Those minutes were pure agony. Most nights you stayed awake focused on anything and everything, until your eyes couldn't take it and they closed on their own. Sometimes that saved you from seeing his face in your mind. </p><p> </p><p>Writing was your busiest distraction. Now that one book was ready to get out into the world, the next one was already rushing out of your fingertips. You tried to focus on the artistic aspect rather than the actual subject of it. </p><p> </p><p>Next, was working. After all, you were out of a job. So was Ivy. She didn't feel right about seeing Poe anymore even though you assured her again and again that you didn't want her to quit. She did anyway. You felt terrible about it, but at the same time, you felt a little less alone. You went back to a place you actually enjoyed working at: Cloud Nine. The money wasn't perfect, far less than what you ever got from Kylo, but the atmosphere was fun most nights. This was mostly a result of Ivy being there too. The manager that had fired you had apparently fired most of the staff, before realizing the mistake. Now, Cloud Nine was desperate for waitresses, even Ivy. </p><p> </p><p>Rey and Sophie started visiting more. Most weekends they'd ask you to come over and spend the night, that was, if Ivy wasn't dragging you out to a club. You weren't oblivious to their tactics. It felt a little like being babysat. Someone was always watching you, always making sure you were doing something fun. It was unnecessary though. You were handling yourself surprisingly well. </p><p> </p><p>You were even making friends with unexpected faces. Gorgeous faces, that at one point you had not liked, but now you found a strange comfort in. </p><p> </p><p>Abigail.</p><p> </p><p>Your manager had asked you if you knew of anyone else who might be interested in working at Cloud Nine, and the only person you could think of was her. And she accepted the offer. At first, you avoided her. She was a dim reminder of him. But she was nice. Truly nice. She even mentioned the failed threesome once, displaying a genuine feeling of worry about how it ended. So you got coffee occasionally, and invited her to your weekends of booze and dancing. She never seemed to mind when you talked about Kylo. You felt bad constantly venting to Ivy until Abigail became a new source of heartbreak output, and she understood the coldness of the man who had caused it. Sometimes you laughed together at the thought of Kylo discovering your friendship. Deep down you didn't think he would care, but it was fun to pretend. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe that's all you did. Pretend. You woke up in the morning and pretended to be excited to leave bed. You pretended that your breakfast had taste. You pretended that every word typed onto the screen of your laptop was liberating. You pretended that your nights at Cloud Nine were always fun. You pretended that you never cried in the shower. You pretended that your closet, stuffed with things he had bought you, didn't taunt you. </p><p> </p><p>But that's not how things were.</p><p> </p><p>Every morning, the pillows begged you to stay asleep, and you wanted nothing more than to close your eyes and let time pass. Food didn't have much taste. Well, it had taste, just nothing that interested you much. You ate anyways. Every sentence of your new book made your heart twist, every pound in the keyboard, a stab in your gut. You still wrote it. Nights at Cloud Nine actually were enjoyable most times, but there were far too many men with dark hair and slim suits that often made you do terrified double takes. It was never him. You never cried. Except when the water was running in the shower, and you knew Ivy wouldn't hear. It was always deep, gulping breaths with tears that you couldn't even feel. And your closet felt like a graveyard. You always reached inside to snatch what you needed as quickly as you could. Never lingering. </p><p> </p><p>But you tried. You always tried. You tried so much that you went on a few dates with your old coworker Logan. He was always too chatty in the paper store, but he was decent enough. You got coffee for one date, sushi for the next, and you watched a movie at his place for the final one. It ended up being the last because while you were seated on the couch, he tried to make move after move. An arm over your shoulder. A leg pressed to yours. A kiss. A hand on your waist. Leaning over you until you were lying flat on the sofa. His tongue in your mouth. But you had to stop him, because there was someone else that kept popping into your head. </p><p> </p><p>That's what you were doing tonight--trying. So far your shift at Cloud Nine had been almost fun. Abigail was there and she could tell you were feeling down. You kept noticing her cleaning your tables before you even had the chance. You thanked her countless times but she always shrugged it off. </p><p> </p><p>There was a lapse between waves of customers, so you both leaned against the bar for a moment, trying to rest your feet. </p><p> </p><p>"Busy for a Thursday," Finn, your favorite bartender, commented as he shoved glasses into the dishwasher. </p><p> </p><p>"Sure, but it's like all the worst tippers in Boston decided to storm the place at once," Abigail muttered. </p><p> </p><p>You forced a chuckle. "At least they're not too rowdy," you defended. "Good tips aren't worth getting felt up."</p><p> </p><p>Abigail giggled and elbowed you gently. "Agree to disagree."</p><p> </p><p>Finn placed the last dirty glass into the dishwasher, and moved on to wipe the bar in a few quick movements. He slung the towel over his shoulder, and eyed you cautiously, like he wanted to read your posture.</p><p> </p><p>"You doing okay, kid?" he asked, brow slightly folded with concern. </p><p> </p><p>Finn wasn't oblivious to what was going on. You and Abigail spoke about it enough that it wasn't hard for him to pick out the bits and pieces and sort out most of the story. Maybe, it was just obvious to everyone that your heart had been shattered. Heartbroken people tended to carry themselves a little differently--the lingering pain is clear in the slight slump of shoulders and the aching held in irises. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, I'm alright. I'm busy. I'm working on my own shit, you know? I'm sorting out my life the way I should have a long time ago," you said confidently. In a way, you were being truthful. You were hurting, but you were managing to take care of yourself. </p><p> </p><p>Abigail smiled at you and leaned over to press a proud kiss to your cheek. You rolled your eyes and teasingly wiped it away as Finn laughed. </p><p> </p><p>"Well, good. I think you're doing great," Finn said kindly. You flashed him a grateful nod. "Anyways, back to work, both of you."</p><p> </p><p>You groaned and Abigail made a I'd-rather-die face before you parted ways and returned to your section. You took new orders and wiped down sticky tables as people left. Time passed as it normally did, and nothing out of place occurred for another thirty minutes. </p><p> </p><p>You were leaning against the bar, waiting on an order, when Abigail beelined towards you with panic sketched over her face. You could tell she was trying to hide it, trying to look calm and normal, but her eyes held high alert and her jaw was stiff. </p><p> </p><p>"You can go home early," she said breathlessly, restless feet shuffling in place.</p><p> </p><p>You frowned. "Says who?"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't worry, I checked and it's all good, you can go."</p><p> </p><p>Her eyes were pleading with you to obey so you obliged. You were tired anyway. "Okay," you said slowly. "You'll have to take this order out for me."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't worry, I'll take care of it all. Go on." She glanced over her shoulder towards the sea of customers. You tried to follow her gaze but it led to nowhere. </p><p> </p><p>Finn, oblivious to your conversation, stepped forward, setting the finished drinks on the counter with a clink. "Hey, you just got seated," he said to you with a nod. "Abigail, take these out to fourteen."</p><p> </p><p>Her eyes widened. "No!" she shouted. "Sorry, I'll pick up the new table, babe, you take the drinks to fourteen."</p><p> </p><p>You shared a confused glance with Finn before you agreed and gathered the drinks onto your tray. You were tempted to watch Abigail go, to sort out what all the commotion was about, but you were desperate enough to leave for the night that you headed straight for the table. You set the drinks down with a fake sweet smile, and moved on to check on your other tables before you abandoned them for the night. </p><p> </p><p>That's when you noticed what Abigail was trying to protect you from. Your new table was filled by a man in an expensive black suit. His hair had grown longer, it was sweeping against his collar now. The circles under his eyes were darker than normal, his cheeks more hollowed than you remembered. In all honesty, Kylo looked like shit.  </p><p> </p><p>You stared for a moment, while your chest ached and screamed. Abigail was right. You should go home. Right as you prepared to turn around, he caught your eye. He seemed genuinely surprise to see you, brows furrowing, eyes widening. You took a shallow breath and begged your feet to budge but they were planted in shock. The sight of his familiar face, freckles and all, made your heartbeat thump loudly in your ears. Every inch of your skin was buzzing in panic. He didn't move either, glued to his seat. </p><p> </p><p>You were overly aware of the lack of clothes covering your body. The Cloud Nine uniform consisted of a black bodysuit and matching corset, with sheer black tights. You would have preferred to run into Kylo when you were at least wearing pants. </p><p> </p><p>Abigail appeared in front of him and set a drink on the table. She followed his gaze and her face fell with defeat at the sight of you. </p><p> </p><p>You turned quickly, and scampered to the bar, gut flipping with anxiety. Finn glanced up at the clattering sound of your tray on the counter.</p><p> </p><p>"Everything okay?" he said nervously, brows scrunched at your obvious tenseness. You just nodded and hummed a yes. You turned to escape the situation, and flinched when you saw Abigail beside you, wide worried eyes studying your expression.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm so sorry. I was trying to make sure you didn't see him. Are you alright?" she asked quickly, slightly out of breath like she had rushed to follow you.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm fine, fine," you assured her with a gulp. "Did he know I work here, or we work here, I guess?"</p><p> </p><p>She shook her head immediately. "He seemed pretty surprised to see me, and definitely surprised to see you, don't you think?"</p><p> </p><p>You sighed and nodded, tight chest barely able to fill with air. A flash of movement not far away, caught your eye and you looked up to see Kylo weaving through the dark space, heading for the exit. He was already looking at you, his gaze consuming and intense. You stared back with sad eyes and he returned some matching glint of emotion, before he focused forward.</p><p> </p><p>You snapped from your reverie only to be caught in Abigail's wide worried eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm fine," you assured her. "Thanks for trying, though, really."</p><p> </p><p>"Babe," she sighed. "If I could magically make him move a million miles away, I would."</p><p> </p><p>You gave her a small smile. "I'll stay the rest of my shift now that he's gone." She opened her mouth to protest, but you stopped her. "I really am fine, and I want the money."</p><p> </p><p>You didn't care about the money. You just didn't want to go home. Home meant silence, and silence meant time to think, and miss, and hurt. </p><p> </p><p>She nodded and you pulled your tray from the stack again. You took deep, recovering breaths as you returned to the table he had been seated at. He had downed his old fashioned and you collected the glass onto your tray, trying to ignore the fact that his lips had touched the rim, the same lips you had grown so accustomed to. In the checkbook, he had left a hundred dollar bill. Somehow, it almost pissed you off. You didn't want it. You'd give it to Abigail. You started to step away from the table,  before you noticed something in the seat.</p><p> </p><p>His suit jacket. </p><p> </p><p>He must have taken it off--the room was undeniably stuffy--and in his rush to flee your awkward exchange, forgotten to grab it. You hesitated to even touch it, but you forced yourself to pull it from it's spot. You recognized this one. Kylo had plenty of black suit jackets, but this one in particular had a velvet lining on the collar. You traced the softness of the hem and held a breath within your chest. He had worn this one to the office Christmas party. </p><p> </p><p>No. No thoughts like that. You straightened your spine, the jacket draped over your arm, and you started for the bar again.</p><p> </p><p>In the corner of your mind, you couldn't help but wonder if he had left it behind on purpose.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>"Let me do it," Ivy begged, eyeing the jacket dangling in your hand. </p><p> </p><p>"I told you, I feel fine about this. I'm not even going to see him. I'm dropping it off at the front desk," you explained calmly. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm still not convinced you weren't upset after seeing him last night. Why don't you just mail it?" Her eyebrows were raised with judgement, but her eyes were filled with pity. </p><p> </p><p>You had assured her many times that your run in with Kylo last night had left you feeling just fine. The reality was that as soon as you had plopped into bed, the tears had streamed for most of the night. Something about seeing his face just stung. </p><p> </p><p>"Shipping is expensive, and it's not that far. I have errands to run anyway." Despite your intentions to not see him, you had dressed for the possibility in a skirt and sweater, half of your hair braided back. Maybe some makeup too. And heeled boots. </p><p> </p><p>"Alright," Ivy budged. "Just...don't talk to him."</p><p> </p><p>"I really wasn't going to."</p><p> </p><p>You felt sick to your stomach on the whole journey to CorTech. You hadn't even texted him to let him know he had left it. Over the forty days, you had resisted the urge to call and text him. There were many close calls where Ivy had to wrestle the phone out of your hands and hold it captive until you gained your senses. </p><p> </p><p>The lobby was just as you remembered--gray. It seemed to match your mood. The recptionist greeted you with a smile.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi, um," you set the jacket on the edge of her desk. "Could you just return this to Kylo Ren?"</p><p> </p><p>Her brows furrowed, mouth still pulled into a polite grin, and she reached for the material. She flipped it over in her hands, trying to gauge what it was. "He's not in a meeting, if you wanted to give it to him directly," she offered.</p><p> </p><p>Your heart flinched. You hadn't come here to see him. You didn't really want to. Any interaction with Kylo at this point would just end in disappointment. Plus, you really didn't feel like getting angry again. You had been so incredibly outraged that first week. Sometimes you went for hours, ranting loudly, yelling about his selfishness, to Ivy. Then it started to fade into hurt. Hurt for your own heart, and in a way hurt for his. His inability to communicate went far past any disrespect he held for you. That was something more complicated, something that stemmed from his own bad experiences. It didn't justify it, but it helped ease the pain. At least it wasn't your fault.</p><p> </p><p>"No, thank you," you said with a small, polite smile. </p><p> </p><p>"Can I have a name?" she asked, pulling a sticky note off of it's stack, and hovering her pen over it. You frowned and blinked at her. "So I can tell him who dropped it off."</p><p> </p><p>You heard the elevator ding behind you, a pair of footsteps approaching the desk. "Oh no, that's okay," you assured her. "It doesn't matter. Just make sure he gets it." You turned quickly to leave and stopped yourself immediately, jolting, when you realized someone was right behind you.</p><p> </p><p>"Excuse me," the man said. </p><p> </p><p>He was older, most likely in his seventies, but god maybe even older than that. Something about his appearance was extremely off putting. He was bald, other than a faint layer of white hair around the sides of his head. His skin was loose and wrinkled on his face, lips pursed together in a thin line, and his eyes were bright blue and sunken. Inches above his forehead was a deep scar scratched into the skin of his scalp. The sight of him made your skin turn to ice, and you stepped out of his way immediately, trying to avoid his gaze as you beelined for the elevator. You could hear him speak to the receptionist as you slammed your thumb to the button over and over, hoping the doors would open as soon as possible. </p><p> </p><p>The only words you could make out were a low, "Who was that girl?" It only brought more unexplained panic and you felt a wave of relief when you stepped into the elevator. </p><p> </p><p>Your moment of safety was short lived when you turned to push the button for the lobby, and watched in terror as the old man stepped into the small space with you. You clutched your keys tighter, fingers wrapped around your pink pepper spray keychain. The doors slid close and you caught site of the receptionist who was staring in concerned curiosity. You considered stepping forward and slipping through the metal slabs. You would have even volunteered to bring Kylo his jacket in order to get away from the man next to you, but the doors closed and the opportunity was gone. </p><p> </p><p>He broke the silence first. "Busy day?" he asked simply. </p><p> </p><p>You inhaled and blinked at the slow ticking numbers on the small screen above the door. "Oh, a bit. You?"</p><p> </p><p>He was grinning--you could tell by the way he pronounced his words. "Yes, quite hectic." He paused to face you and you glanced at him anxiously. "I don't believe we've met." He extended his hand. "Snoke."</p><p> </p><p>Dread dripped through your chest and you stood for a moment in realization. President of CorTech, Snoke. Kylo's boss and the man who had ruined Kylo's perception of...everything. Also, the man who hated you. At least his hatred was returned. You ignored his gesture of a handshake long enough for him to drop it. </p><p> </p><p>"No need to introduce yourself," he announced slyly. "I already know who you are."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped and stared at the changing numbers, begging for them to go by faster. "That's fine," is all you could think of to say. </p><p> </p><p>"Were you paying Kylo a visit?"</p><p> </p><p>You turned to look at him in surprised annoyance. Had you and Kylo still been together, you would have tried to feign some form of pleasantries, but now, with no ties between you, you felt no need to be polite to this monster. "Don't see how it would matter to you," you snapped. </p><p> </p><p>He chuckled wickedly, a rumbling wheeze of amusement. "Foolish girl," he said under his breath. </p><p> </p><p>"Excuse me?" you frowned and scoffed, stepping farther away from him. </p><p> </p><p>"I made Kylo Ren," he said in his hoarse, low voice that seemed to crawl of out his throat with clawed nails. "I know him better than he knows himself."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't see what that has to do with me."</p><p> </p><p>The numbers were ticking away--<em>9, 8, 7</em>.</p><p> </p><p>He took a shallow raggedy breath. "You're a leech, hanging onto him, relishing in his wealth. And you truly believe you care for him."</p><p> </p><p>"I do care for him," you said it before you could properly think twice. "I-I mean, I'm not a leech. I have never tried to take advantage of his money."</p><p> </p><p><em>6. 5.</em> </p><p> </p><p>"No, you just want to take advantage of his loneliness," Snoke said, not bothering to hide his hatred.</p><p> </p><p>Anger bubbled within your gut. You had never aimed to take advantage of Kylo Ren. You had only ever tried to help him. "The only person manipulating Kylo Ren is you," you said sharply, stepping forward as the numbers flashed. </p><p> </p><p><em>3. 4.</em> </p><p> </p><p>"I trust you know better than to try and see him again," he sneered, voice dripped in authority and intimidation. </p><p> </p><p><em>2. 1</em>. </p><p> </p><p>The doors finally slid open and you stepped out at the sight of freedom. "Luckily," you said turning back to look at his sour, wrinkled face for a moment. "Unlike Kylo, I don't have any reason to listen to you."</p><p> </p><p>Walking away calmly, with frustration buzzing in your legs, felt surprisingly nice. In a way, you felt you had let out a portion of your anger against Kylo, only you released it onto Snoke. </p><p> </p><p>You moved across the lobby, towards the wide glass doors, fingers still trembling slightly with adrenaline, but a voice behind you spoke your name, making you halt your stride. You looked back to find the source. You had to keep yourself from rolling your eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh. Hi," you said as he approached you.</p><p> </p><p>Vicrul was wearing a navy blue suit, tie slightly askew. "Wasn't expecting to see you here," he said, voice deep and smooth. </p><p> </p><p>You shrugged. "Just dropping something off," you answered simply.</p><p> </p><p>"To Kylo?"</p><p> </p><p>"To the front desk."</p><p> </p><p>"Tell me if I'm overstepping, but you and him are done now, isn't that right?" he asked, eyebrows raised with hope. </p><p> </p><p>A part of you wanted nothing more than to snap at him and inform him he was indeed overstepping quite past the appropriate line. But you forced a look of indifference instead. "I guess so," you answered quietly. </p><p> </p><p>"How are you?" he questioned. He seemed genuine enough, though still oozing cockiness. </p><p> </p><p><em>How are you?</em> It wasn't an easy question. On the surface, you were great, maybe better than you had been in a while. Your writing was succeeding far past what you ever expected, and you had a job you didn't mind. You had good friends and family, and weekends stuffed with activity. But deep down, there was a weight in your gut that seemed to dim all the light surrounding you. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, pretty good. I've been keeping busy I suppose," you said with a shy shrug. </p><p> </p><p>"You and him both," he retorted. </p><p> </p><p>"Huh?"</p><p> </p><p>"Kylo's been keeping busy too, overworking himself more than usual."</p><p> </p><p>You stared at the floor and licked your lips. That wasn't surprising. He had looked so exhausted, almost ghostly, when you had seen him in Cloud Nine last night. "I guess that's just one comfort we have in common," you muttered. "Well, um, I have errands to run, I should--" You gestured towards the door and tried to give him a convincing look of apology. </p><p> </p><p>"Why don't we grab some lunch?"</p><p> </p><p>You stared at the door, then him, then to the elevators. "I don't think that's a good idea."</p><p> </p><p>"Why not?"</p><p> </p><p>A sigh. Another glance towards the glass doors. "Sorry, Vic."</p><p> </p><p>"You really liked him that much, huh?"</p><p> </p><p>You gulped and started to turn. You didn't need an evaluation right now. </p><p> </p><p>"Guess so."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. What Now?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You hit a bit of a slump after seeing him again. Days started to feel a little longer--sleep was becoming a battle. It was obvious to everyone around you. At some point of the next weekend, when you were tipsy and tired, Ivy let you lay your head in her lap as she played with your hair. She must have thought you were asleep, because she started to speak. It took you a few moments to realize she was on the phone. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know, she just...she seems down again," Ivy said. Her fingers continued to scratch through your hair, and you kept your eyes closed just in case she could see your face. "I think the Maine trip will be good for her...I don't know, she said she didn't talk to him...What if we left for the trip a couple days early? I know a week is plenty, but I just feel like maybe a couple extra days would help...Yeah...I think maybe we could surprise her by leaving early...Yeah, to celebrate the publishing...Perfect...I'll call tomorrow and we can sort it out...Okay...Great...Bye, Rey."</p><p> </p><p>A part of you was a little bummed at having the surprise spoiled for yourself, but mostly you were just pleased at how thoughtful your little family was. When they bombarded your bedroom at nine a.m. the following Tuesday with giant smiles and an overpriced acai bowl, you weren't actually surprised, but you were completely giddy and warm. </p><p> </p><p>"We're leaving early for Maine to celebrate your book!" Sophie shouted and peppered your cheek with kisses. You did your best to act clueless, but you had 'coincidentally' packed early. </p><p> </p><p>The nine days in Maine were exactly how they should have been. There were plenty of days spent on the beach with your backs planted on oversized towels, slight chilly breezes occasionally making you complain. The water was too cold to truly enjoy, but you still spent minutes at a time wading up to your calves and enjoying the noise of the waves. Most meals were made at the AirBnb in order to preserve spendings, but a few dinners were splurged on at nice restaurants. At the end of every day, your limbs felt stiff, your skin salty and dry. Some nights were filled with scary movies, some with smores. It was perfect. </p><p> </p><p>There was one day that seemed more perfect than the rest. It was the day that Rey proposed. Sophie was surprised, but you and Ivy were in on the secret, taking photos from afar. You had all shed some happy tears, and drank way too much champagne in the name of celebration. Rey looked so happy. She kept staring at Sophie with glossy eyes. </p><p> </p><p>It made some invisible weight lift off your shoulders. Maybe you had been holding your breath all this time, all these years, watching Rey heal from her past. You had watched helplessly as she fought against her own identity. Now, she finally had what you had worried her childhood would scare her away from. She was okay. She was happy. And the burden of guilt that had weighed in your gut since that terrible time, felt a little less heavy. </p><p> </p><p>Driving back was disappointing. You had forgotten you could have that much fun, and leaving felt like a threat to the peace you had begun to live in. You couldn't stop thinking about returning to your routine of distraction and misery. You had barely even thought of Kylo during the trip. You had been so content with just your little family. </p><p> </p><p>Rey kept yawning in the driver's seat, as you finally made it into Boston and approached your brick apartment. Ivy had her head leaned against the window, her eyes barely open after napping during the travel. She sat up as soon as your building was in sight. She glanced at you with wide eyes which you returned with a scrunched brow. </p><p> </p><p>"What?" you asked, following her gaze. </p><p> </p><p>A black Porsche was parked in front of the entrance. Nervousness exploded in your gut, and you mumbled a confused curse as Rey and Sophie took notice of the guest. Rey's car pulled in front of the Porsche, and she looked back to you as soon as it was in park. </p><p> </p><p>"What the fuck is he doing here?" Rey asked snappily. Her eyes were already filled with defensive anger, though you knew it wasn't directed at you. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know," you answered truthfully. "It's fine." As you stepped out of the car, you started to think you might vomit from the mix of fear and anticipation pulsing in your throat. This could be a good thing. He could be here for the right reasons. Or he might be here to disappoint you again. </p><p> </p><p>You circled the car to the trunk, where you helped Ivy tug your suitcases out of the pile of luggage. You could hear a door shut behind you, followed by the faint sound of his shoes against the road. With a shaky breath, you finally dared to look back. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was in black jeans and a gray crewneck, his hair long and wavy against the top of his shoulders. His hands were tucked nervously into his pockets as he stepped closer to you and glanced between you and Ivy. Seeing him so close up made your chest ache with familiarity. His freckles were still there, scattered over his cheeks, and his lips were still full and pouty. Ivy was glaring at him with her mouth in a tightened line. </p><p> </p><p>"Can we help you?" Ivy asked with a sigh. </p><p> </p><p>He probably deserved that, but you still felt bad about her snappy tone. "It's fine, V," you assured her. Rey and Sophie were out of the car now, and they both threw Kylo doubtful glances before they hugged you goodbye. Ivy started through the front door as you and Kylo stood awkwardly a few feet apart. "I'll be right upstairs," she said more towards Kylo than you. </p><p> </p><p>"Ivy," you warned her and she huffed before finally closing the door behind her. Then it was just you and him alone in the early spring air. He was staring at some spot on the concrete and it wasn't tempting to just turn and leave, but despite your lingering frustration towards him, you wanted to know why he was here. "I think since you're the one who just showed up, you're supposed to talk first."</p><p> </p><p>There was a beat of familiar silence, and you stepped towards the door. He snapped his head up at your movement and removed his hands from his pockets to run them through his hair. </p><p> </p><p>"Can I take you somewhere?" he asked suddenly. The question filled you with bewilderment, and you frowned at him nervously. </p><p> </p><p>"Can...I don't...What?" you stuttered and hugged your arms around yourself, head shaking slightly in confusion. </p><p> </p><p>"Please. I want to show you something."</p><p> </p><p>His tone was low and genuine, a hint of desperation pulling at the words. Everything in your mind begged you to accept without a hesitation, but the image of his blank face in Scotland, his refusal to acknowledge your admittance of feeling, was replaying in your mind. It had been almost two months now. Two months of silence from him. Two months of your life improving while your heart still ached. </p><p> </p><p>"Why should I?" you asked quietly. </p><p> </p><p>His shoulders fell slightly, and his eyes were piercing through yours, full of emotion and pleading. "Please just trust me," he said.</p><p> </p><p>You took a deep breath and stared as a bus passed by. "I don't really know if I trust you, Kylo."</p><p> </p><p>His face was sketched with sad trepidation. You weren't sure you had ever seen him look so...human. "You used to," he said softly. </p><p> </p><p>Your heart flinched and seized with nostalgia. There was a time when you did trust Kylo Ren. There was a time when you knew he would help you when you needed it, and treat you well when you demanded it. There was a time when you had hope. You didn't have that anymore, but your stomach was still twisting just from the sight of his face, and you couldn't deny your desire for closure. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay. Fine. I'll go with you," you announced, and started for the passenger door without looking back. </p><p> </p><p>The interior was just as you remembered, leather maroon details and the smell of his cologne. Kylo seemed frozen in place for a second before he joined you and started the car. He moved the gearshift, but paused to look at you. He trapped you there for a moment, under his heavy gaze. Two months and you hadn't been this close to him--close enough to smell his shampoo, and see the stubble on his chin, close enough to see the flecks of green in his irises and the lines in his puffy lips. You wondered if he was thinking the same thing about you. He must have been because it took him a full twenty seconds before he could force himself to focus back on the road and move the car forward. </p><p> </p><p>The drive through the cramped downtown streets was silent. You were hoping he might take the opportunity to speak first, but alas disappointment met you once again. You wondered if that would stop happening--him disappointing you. By the time, you had put several miles of highway road behind you, your patience wore out. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you going to tell me where we're going?" you asked, slightly annoyed both by his silence and your own mind's tendency to still feel affection for him. Sitting in his passenger seat was all too familiar, and the once consumingly warm feelings that used to occupy your every hour, were creeping in again. </p><p> </p><p>"You'll see," he said plainly, and not completely sweetly. </p><p> </p><p>You couldn't help but sigh in discontent. From the corner of your vision, you caught him glance at you twice, but you kept your eyes on the road in front of you. </p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath, and held it for a moment, like he was forcing his next words out of his throat. "We're going to Cape Cod."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you replied simply. "Okay."</p><p> </p><p>No matter how much you wanted to take control of the situation, you had to let him lead this. You didn't know his intentions, and you were afraid if you guessed or steered the conversation, it would push him towards something that he didn't mean. Whatever happened needed to occur naturally, without any pressure from your own words. </p><p> </p><p>The drive ended up being almost an hour. You were sure Kylo's reckless driving had shortened it. The Porsche drove past the beach, and you stared into the expanse of glimmering water and the splash of orange in the setting sky. You tried to enjoy the peaceful moment. You weren't sure what was going to happen. You wondered if in an hour, you might look back and wish to return to this moment where you didn't know anything. </p><p> </p><p>When the Porsche came to a stop, you stared at scene in front of you. A sandy driveway led up to a two-story house, white paint covering the exterior, navy trim peeking out at the edges, and a porch filled with wicker furniture. The back of the house was directly facing the water, only a short walk from the high tides. Kylo was watching you, studying the furrow in your brow, and you finally turned to meet his gaze. </p><p> </p><p>"What is this?" you asked, frowning at him in confusion. All you could think was that he was trying to drag you out to some random house for a weekend getaway, and there was nothing that you wanted less with him right now. The idea that he might have showed up in front of your apartment, begged you to come with him, only to show you to some sex vacation made your skin tingle with anticipating anger. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's go inside," he said simply and pushed his door open. You took a stuttered breath and followed out of the car, mumbling annoyed curses under your breath. He started for the front door, looking back often to make sure you were behind him. He shuffled through his small collection of keys until he found the one he wanted, and he slid it into the lock and twisted it. He opened the door and glanced at you with a look of hopeful amusement, before crossing through the frame and into the random house. You noticed the door mat beneath your feet as you crossed through. It had a design of black and white shells. It felt so out of place under your feet. </p><p> </p><p>Everything was white and tan, and cozily decorated. There were daisies on the entry table, and picture frames filled with inky abstract drawings on the wall. On the left side, was a living room with white plush couches. At the end of the entryway on the right, you spotted the beginning steps of a set of stairs, and after that, a glimpse of a kitchen. Kylo moved deeper into the house, and you followed slowly, taking in every detail--the fringed throw pillows, and clear bowl of seashells on a set of filled shelves. He flicked on the lights, giving you a clearer view of the space. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't...quite understand where I am," you said quietly. You tried to see up the stairs, but you couldn't catch sight of anything interesting other than another white wall. There must have been bedrooms up there. You wondered how many and who they were for, and who's house this was, and why the fuck you were here at all. "Who's...house are we in?"</p><p> </p><p>"Mine."</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes widened and you look around quickly, as if there would suddenly be clear indications of Kylo's ownership. Nothing. No part of this house really even seemed like him--it was all pure and soft, the light colors and cozy decoration. </p><p> </p><p>"You bought a house?" you asked slowly in disbelief. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo took a short breath and moved into the kitchen, circling the granite countertop. He pulled open the fridge and looked at it's contents for a moment, before looking back at you. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you want something to drink?" he asked plainly. Though his voice was blank, his face was not. Some form of hesitation and uncertainty was displayed on his expression of pursed lips and nervous eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, um, water is fine," you answered, bewilderment still bobbing in your mind. He nodded and pull a bottled water from the fridge. You stepped towards the island and leaned over it to take it from his hand with a small 'thank you.' You watched as he pulled a bottle for himself from the shelf. The fridge was stocked. There were soda's and flavored sparkling water's, beer and iced teas. </p><p> </p><p>You wanted him to speak now. You were tired of asking questions and hoping for some type of real answer. </p><p> </p><p>He took a gulp of his cold water, and you smudged the condensation on the plastic sides with your thumb, awaiting his voice. It took ages, but you stayed determined in your pact of listening instead of talking. </p><p> </p><p>"What do you think of it?" he asked, finally, glancing behind you to the living room. You turned and examined the space around you. </p><p> </p><p>"The house?" you questioned. He nodded. "I think it's nice. Doesn't seem very <em>you</em>, but I think it's very...cozy."</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't think dark colors would compliment the location very well," he explained. </p><p> </p><p>"That's true," you agreed. Black and gray decor might dim the peaceful scenery of the ocean. You stared out the sliding backdoor at the expanse of water, glittering under the hard glint of the sunset. "Won't you miss your apartment though?"</p><p> </p><p>"I still have it. This is just a vacation home," he explained, slightly surprised at your mistake. You mouthed an O and nodded awkwardly. Of course he wasn't going to live here. He would have to drive an hour to work everyday. Maybe a part of you was hoping he was moving here completely, leaving CorTech behind. He'd be far away, but god, he'd be better off without that monster controlling him. </p><p> </p><p>There was a moment of silence and you kept thinking of questions, things your curiosity and confusion were begging you to discover. You resisted the urge. This was up to him. This was his responsibly, his turn to talk. </p><p> </p><p>He kept shifting his jaw and parting his lips slightly, but for a few minutes nothing came out. You leaned against the counter as you watched the waves patiently. Kylo was rolling his knuckles across the counter, and when you occasionally glanced at him, you could sense his anxiety. His nervousness was contagious and you could feel your heart pounding harshly in your chest. Your fingers were sweating and slightly trembling against the edge of the island. Your mind was rambling, trying to prepare for disappointment, but that part of your heart, the part that always believed in Kylo Ren, still had hope. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, he spoke. "I thought this place would be nice for weekends."</p><p> </p><p>You met his gaze and nodded in polite agreement. "I'm sure it will." He itched his chin. You wanted to receive some of the tension in the room, for both of your sakes. "You used to say you didn't have real weekends."</p><p> </p><p>You tried to say it lightly, more of a teasing comment than an accusation. His face hardened, his shoulders tensing, and he shifted his weight between his feet as he leaned harder against the counter, knuckles on his closed fists turning white. </p><p> </p><p>"That was before," he said stiffly.</p><p> </p><p><em>Before.</em> </p><p> </p><p>Your breath hitched and you turned quickly to look out the window again, trying to distract yourself with the white peaks of the waves. The images of Scotland were still flashing through your mind. The last two months of loneliness were gnawing at your stomach. </p><p> </p><p>You almost didn't want to know what he meant. It would be so easy to not know. It would be so easy to plug your ears and never listen, never discover why he brought you here. Honest conversations with Kylo never seemed to end with anything other than hurt. You weren't sure yet if the truth was worth undoing all the healing you had built in the past weeks. </p><p> </p><p>That was the only reason you were here now, wasn't it? You had healed enough to stand in the same room with him without crying. </p><p> </p><p>"Before what?" you croaked, though you were terrified you already knew. </p><p> </p><p>He had to turn and match your stare out the window. </p><p> </p><p>"You."</p><p> </p><p>Your eyelids fell shut, searching for a moment of composure. When you opened them he was watching you, face coated in unease. </p><p> </p><p>You could only manage to speak after you had taken three deep breaths. "I didn't realize I had so much influence on your weekends."</p><p> </p><p>His chest was rising slowly but deeply, like maybe he, too, was trying to find calm within himself. </p><p> </p><p>"That's my fault," he said quietly. "I should have told you things like that more often."</p><p> </p><p>The water bottle in front of you had starting warming up and the condensation was dripping down it's plastic sides and pooling onto the counter. You dragged your finger through the tiny puddle, spreading it over the granite. </p><p> </p><p>"You're telling me now," you whispered, avoiding his eye contact. You were afraid if you looked at him, you might crumble. The protective part of your mind wanted to hold him accountable still. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm trying," he said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>"So far, you're doing well," you said with a faint sad smile. "You can keep going," you added quietly. </p><p> </p><p>He nodded and ran his fingers through his hair, stopping to tug at the strands on the nape of his neck. </p><p> </p><p>"I should have been more honest," he said. </p><p> </p><p>You met his stare. His brows were slightly furrowed, waiting for your reply. Your stomach flipped and you gulped away the sick feeling rising in your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"You might have to be more specific,"  you muttered under your struggling breath. </p><p> </p><p>"I think you know what I mean."</p><p> </p><p>You blinked at him and shook your head solemnly. "I don't really want to guess your feelings, Kylo. I think I've done that often enough."</p><p> </p><p>His shoulders sunk and he leaned his forearms agains the counter, head bowing downwards. His hair draped around his face like a shield, guarding his expression from your sight. The ends of his locks brushed the granite as he slowly shook his head side to side in frustration. Your heart was beating so ruthlessly, your chest ached from the growing pressure. </p><p> </p><p>"Please just..." he mumbled. "I...I can't."</p><p> </p><p>"You brought me all the way out here," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"Then isn't that...Isn't that enough?" he pleaded quietly. </p><p> </p><p>You couldn't look at his broken figure anymore, so you turned away to stand in front of the glass door. The sun was starting to dip beneath the horizon, blanketing the world in a shade of orange. Your lip started to tremble, but you pressed your mouth together firmly to prevent it. No tears, you promised yourself. Not again. </p><p> </p><p>"It's been two months," you announced, voice cracking at the 'two'. "I've been trying to move on. Sometimes, I even think I'm succeeding."</p><p> </p><p>"Is that what you want--to move on?" he asked. You could hear that he was closer now, abandoning his position at the counter. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know what I want. I don't think I know much at all," you answered. You were tempted to look at him, but you wondered if the absence of your stare might help him find some relief from his cage of nervousness. </p><p> </p><p>"I..." He exhaled deeply. Judging from the sound of his breath, you guessed he was right behind you, maybe an arm's reach away. "I think I know...what I want."</p><p> </p><p>You squeezed your eyes closed. <em>Tell me, but god, don't tell me</em>. Either way, it would break your heart. Either way, you would only remember how consuming your feelings for him were. Either way the stinging pain of the last two months would come crashing in. </p><p> </p><p>"Let me show you something," he said lowly. You turned. His face was serious, eyes deeply focused. You gave him a slight nod and he stepped away, towards the front of the house, pausing to make sure you stepped forward to. He started up the stairs and you followed behind, anticipation growing in your gut. The top of the stairs spit you out into a small loft filled with some plush chairs and shelves filled with books. The loft split into two hallways, and Kylo chose the one towards the back of the house. He kept looking back at you as he moved forward, as if you might decide to turn away and flee at any moment. He hesitated when he reached the door at the end of the hallway, but he pushed it open and stepped in and to the side to grant you a full view. </p><p> </p><p>There was a large window on one wall that opened to a wide view of the ocean beyond. The room was bathed in the coral glow of the disappearing sun. Facing the window was a large white desk held up by golden curved legs. The chair behind it was champagne and cushioned, it's high back slightly rounded on the sides. There were shelves on either side of the room, filled with decorations and books. There was a chaise lounge chair situated in front of the window, decorated with pale blush pillows. It was the kind of room you saw in a magazine, and immediately thought nothing like that truly existed anywhere. But here it was.</p><p> </p><p>"It's an office?" you asked, stepping forward to run your hand over the arm of the desk chair. </p><p> </p><p>There was a pause and when you looked back he was staring so intently with a hint of relief, you cocked your head at him and repeated your question. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, it's for you," he said. </p><p> </p><p>You froze in place, fingertips lightly planted on the soft fabric of the chair. You hated what rushed into your heart--hope. </p><p> </p><p>"Why?" you tried to say, but it came out as barely a whisper. </p><p> </p><p>"So you can write here."</p><p> </p><p>All you could feel was fear for where this was heading. You weren't sure what you had expected, but this wasn't it. You wanted it. In a way, this was all you wanted. And yet nausea was clawing through your throat so harshly you thought you might be sick. </p><p> </p><p>"Why would I...." You couldn't ask the full question. <em>Why would I write here?  </em>You wished Kylo could just hurry up, get whatever he needed to say over with. It felt like you were tiptoeing around the subject, sidestepping it every time it came near. </p><p> </p><p>"When I said I thought weekends here would be nice, I meant weekends...with you," he said cautiously. His voice sounded a little choked, like he was still having to fight some evil entity built into his mind. </p><p> </p><p>"Like an arrangement?" you asked. The trembling in your limbs had seeped into your voice, shaky words making you take a deep breath to steady yourself. </p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>He was staring at your fingers against the chair. You didn't blame him. You could barely look at him yourself. </p><p> </p><p>"Then what?" you croaked. </p><p> </p><p>"Something real."</p><p> </p><p>You could feel his gentle steps against the floor, nearing you. The edge of your sight could tell he was next to you now, lingering a few desperate feet away. You didn't want to cry, but the tears were prickling at your eyes. You tried to hurriedly blink them away before you decided to meet his gaze. His eye contact was piercing, trapping. Those aureate irises that you had melted under so many times. Everything seemed to ache at once--ache with pain and warmth and the leftover scraps of love that you had been holding on to. </p><p> </p><p>"In Scotland..." you trailed off. </p><p> </p><p>"I know. I'm sorry," he said seriously. </p><p> </p><p>"It wasn't easy for me to say...those things, and you just ignored it. You didn't say anything at all," you said, familiar anger rolling into your gut. "And then I left and I had to figure out how to get home in the middle of nowhere. That sucked, it fucking sucked. And then it was still just silence--it was just over and you didn't reach out."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo took a shaky breath. His brow was furrowed, face twisted in torment. "Things shouldn't have happened that way," he answered quietly. "I wasn't expecting any of it and then I just needed time." </p><p> </p><p>"But things did happen that way. You can't erase that," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>He was getting desperate now, his eyes were narrowed with pleading, feet stepping closer to you. "Let me try again."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," you looked up at him. "Go ahead. Pretend its Scotland and we're back on that hill."</p><p> </p><p>He opened his lips and stayed there, peering at you nervously. You nodded in encouragement. His breath was stuttered and shallow. Gears were turning in his mind, calculating what came next.</p><p> </p><p>"I would have said..." He paused and stepped closer, his chest inches from your nose. He leaned down until his cheek was next to your temple. It was intimate, but really you thought he just couldn't bare to look at you. "That you were right. It was real."</p><p> </p><p>You shuddered at the low sound of his gravelly voice in your ear. "And then?" you asked softly.</p><p> </p><p>His nose nudged the side of your head affectionately, and his long waves brushed your cheek. The smell of his shampoo lingered in your nose and you closed your eyes, relishing in his closeness. </p><p> </p><p>"You already know," he muttered into your hair. </p><p> </p><p>You shook your head slightly. "I'd rather you said it out loud." He had two months to prepare for this. You didn't want a compromise. </p><p> </p><p>"Remind me."</p><p> </p><p>You sighed and raised your palm to cup his jaw, thumb pressed to his cheek. "I said I was in love with you," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>His fingers found your hips, his touch light and afraid. </p><p> </p><p>"I should have said..." </p><p> </p><p>He was struggling. He was trying to fight. You leaned into him more, silently begging. </p><p> </p><p>"Kylo," you whispered. </p><p> </p><p>"Please...Don't you already know?" he said. </p><p> </p><p>You sighed as your chest tightened. "What would make it easier?" you asked, brows scrunching. "Do you want me to ask it?"</p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you love me?" you whispered. The words made your heart flinch with the preparation of rejection. You had asked that question before. </p><p> </p><p>A beat of silence that almost made you give up. And then he spoke:</p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>You couldn't help the relieved, happy half-sob that escaped your lips. You let yourself relax against him, face finding shelter in the crook of neck. His fingers were nervous, tracing patterns up your spine. </p><p> </p><p>It was all you wanted. Those words were all you had waited for. To hear them felt like months of pain finally worth it. </p><p> </p><p>And it had been months. Months of waiting. Months of hoping. Months of being ignored. Months of pain, all caused by him. </p><p> </p><p>You pulled away with glossy eyes and pressed a mourning kiss to his cheek. He sighed and his fingers on your back tried to pull you closer, but you stepped backwards. His feet moved forward to follow, but you placed a gentle hand to his chest and shook your head. </p><p> </p><p>"I want...I want this. I've never wanted anything as much as--" your voice broke, and you tried to will away the tears gathering. "But you've really, really hurt me, Kylo." You tried to show him with the agony trapped in your watering eyes, just how much damage he had done. "I need you to understand that it can't work like this. You can't put me through hell and expect me to come running back when you decide, months later, that you want me too."</p><p> </p><p>You sniffled and glanced around the room as if to make sure you weren't forgetting anything. It was silly. You hadn't brought anything in. </p><p> </p><p>"I think I'll get an Uber," you said quietly, avoiding the gut wrenching look on his face. He was devastated, eyes full of confused disappointment. At least his expression caused a pang of hurt in your gut. In Scotland, your hours of crying had gone ignored. It didn't seem fair. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm going to drive you," he said sternly. He started for the stairs before you could even object. You followed him with quick, nervous feet. He pulled his keys from the kitchen counter and stared at you, waiting for you to start for the door. </p><p> </p><p>"It's okay, I'll just--" you began.</p><p> </p><p>"No," he interrupted. "I'll do it right this time. I'll drive you home."</p><p> </p><p>Your heart twisted. <em>I'll do it right this time</em>. A tiny sob escaped your throat. You couldn't decide if it was a sad or happy one. You simply nodded and walked to the door with his footsteps following closely behind. </p><p> </p><p>The drive home was awkward and quiet. Kylo didn't speak and neither did you. The air felt full of confused possibility. You didn't know what this meant. You felt worse that Kylo definitely didn't know what any of this meant. By the time he pulled in front of your apartment, it was late and you were both choking on silence. </p><p> </p><p>"Thanks," you said quietly as you opened your door. </p><p> </p><p>"So..." he started, making you pause with your feet on the concrete, hand on the door ready to close it. "What now?"</p><p> </p><p>"I have to think," you said honestly. Every part of your mind was fighting with itself. The old stamp of pain, the pain he had caused, had imprinted itself into you. His new admittance of feeling was seeping into those cracks, but you weren't sure how to handle it. You weren't sure if you could heal with him still here. You weren't sure if you would ever heal. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay," he replied lamely, examining your expression. "Well, can I call you?"</p><p> </p><p>You couldn't help but laugh a little. Being loved by him was new. You certainly didn't hate it. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm not sure yet. I'll let you know."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded. There was a moment where you stared at each other, newly spoken things hanging in the air between you. Everything was different and muddled. </p><p> </p><p>"Goodnight, Kylo."</p><p> </p><p>"Goodnight."</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this isn't the end! I'll let you know when it's the final chapter!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Shared Nostalgia</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> <em>The Arrangement</em> </p><p>
  <em>Chapter One: World's Worst Sugar Baby </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The perfect sugar baby is gorgeous and perky with a bright, fake smile and the ability to completely disconnect from any temptation of attachment to her sugar daddy. She can spend nights and weekends at her sugar daddy's home, she can meet his kids and learn about his past, and through it all she doesn't fall for him, even if he's attractive. The perfect sugar baby is a lot like my closet friend, V, who introduced me to the world of arrangements. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>In my experience, and the experience of those I've interviewed, the title of sugar baby tends to be looked down on in day to day life. If the woman checking out your groceries asks you what you do for a living and you say 'I'm a sugar baby', the conversation is doomed to end almost immediately. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The reality of being a sugar baby is that it feels like dating, only you have to try a little harder. Sometimes I was nicer than I really felt. I always dressed up and looked presentable. I spent my time with him trying to guess what he needed, so that I might fit into that mold of his 'ideal' partner. Being a sugar baby is fun, until it's not.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I met him in a low-lit bar in November. V's sugar daddy at the time was kind enough to help me find an arrangement at a work event. I was sitting at the bar, fully prepared to meet a series of balding, lonely, slightly pathetic yet utterly rich, men in boring suits. Imagine my shock when instead I found someone young and gorgeous. For the sake of discretion, I will call him a different name--Ben. I once promised that if I wrote something about him, I would use a name he would hate. He said he wouldn't expect anything less of me. So apologies to Ben, who's going to hate being called Ben. You can't say I didn't warn you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I knew Ben was nothing but trouble from the moment I saw him. With his well-tailored suit and over 10k watch, he was too handsome for his own good. Ben's hair must be the most distracting thing about him, and when I first laid eyes on him I couldn't stop staring at his collection of dark waves. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>When I look back at my first impression of him, it all seems like a different world. He was cocky and arrogant, uncaring and cold. I was naive and scared. I'm still scared most of the time, but I'd like to think I've gained some knowledge since then. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>At first, I truly believed Ben didn't like me. He wasn't much of a conversationalist. He still isn't. And while I was impressed by his customized Porsche, I was disappointed by our lack of immediate connection. Despite our lame conversation that first night, he still gave me his card and said to call. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And I did. I called. I went over to his apartment that first night, wondering if things were going to get intimate right away, or if these things usually went slower than that. A part of me was nervous he was some sort of serial killer that got away with his crimes by paying off the people in charge. The actual outcome of the night was some mixed signals and tense conversation. After that night, I started to become curious about Ben and who he really was. I could sense a facade of disinterest he was using to hide something else within. For the first month, I'm not sure he really got past that stage of pretending with me. There were tiny steps forward, glimpses of a softer side, but nothing truly exciting. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And then we broke it off. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I think that's where things changed. At the time, I assumed he missed my body and my loyal company. Now I look back, and I realize there was something more. I think being without me for two weeks reminded him of how much he truly did enjoy my presence. I'd like to think that's where it started for him. For me, it started as soon as I saw him in that bar. Our timelines of affection differed, but I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>In the beginning, I had to pick him apart gently, so gently that he wouldn't notice I was trying to sort him out at all. First, I learned that he smoked. He claimed it was an occasional habit that he only partook in when he was especially stressed. I later learned on that Ben was just always stressed. Maybe that's what I learned next, just how much responsibility he had on his shoulders. I can't disclose hardly any information. All I can tell you is that Ben had a high position in a well-known company. The kind of work that took place in glass skyscrapers with fancy, marble lobbies. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I wish all my findings on Ben had been pleasant. At first, Ben wasn't always kind. His short, snappy scoldings often ended in me frowning and feeling out of place. I couldn't understand why he even kept me around when I seemed to annoy him so much. Then again, why would I stay when he could be so cold?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Because that's what you do when you're addicted to someone. If Ben was my drug, god, I needed rehab. I still do. No matter how much I want to say my experience with Ben was just some lesson on the way to my more improved self, I don't think that's what it was. Ben pieced my heart together and then tore it apart again. There might always be a mark there, torn into the flesh of my most important organ, making me flinch when someone else tries to get close. Certain things will always hurt. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I suppose I've said too much already. I don't think you're supposed to mention the ending of a book in the first chapter. I suppose I want to warn you, the innocent observer, that I am writing this the week after coming home from Scotland and going through the worst heartbreak of my life. It doesn't seem fair to get your hopes up.</em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>Here's what I know: Nothing.</em> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I don't know a single thing about love, though now for the first time ever, I've been in it. I'll try to define it for you anyway. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>For me, being in love was wiping away shampoo from his face before it fell into his eyes. It was sitting quietly in the corner of his office while he worked, because just being in the room with him made things feel okay. It was complaining about how cold his hands were but never wanting them to leave my skin. Love was cringing when I had to flush the toilet at 2 a.m. because I didn't want to disturb his sleep. It was laying in a dark room on Christmas Eve and telling him that I wish I could go back in time and be there. I would have been there. Love is mourning the times when I didn't know him. Life before him seems so boring now. What did I ever have concern with before Ben existed in my life? Ben made life feel less like a collection of days, and more like one big, fleeting experience. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Those were the good parts of love. The bad parts were plentiful too. I made excuses for him time and time again. I don't wish to rip him apart and display his every flaw. So let's just say that like every human on this planet, Ben had his less admirable moments, and I desperately tried to ignore them. There were so many times when I swallowed my pride and nodded and pretended that everything he did was okay. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I hope you won't mind my desire to write casually, and speak to you, the reader, so directly. I don't think I possess the same superiority complex as other authors. I don't really mind if you think of me as an average person, because really that's all I am. I also don't feel the need to pretend to have some sort of high standard for how I uncover this sad tale. This isn't fiction. I'm not going to weave secrets into paragraphs and poetry into sentences. Sure, this book will give you some insight into the world of arrangements, but really this is a story about how I accidentally fell for a man who didn't want to be loved. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"So?" you asked, peering nervously at Ivy as she finished scanning the last sentence. "What do you think?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm confused as to why you are just now showing me the first chapter when the entire book has been finished, but other than that I think it's amazing. Sad, really fucking sad, but good," Ivy said, repositioning her shoulder against the back of the sofa. </p><p> </p><p>"Thanks," you said with a small smile. "It's kind of a weird style I think, so I just really want people to <em>get</em> it, you know?"</p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm, and this is already been sent to publishers?" she asked.</p><p> </p><p>"No, oh god no, just my agent. She liked it though, said it was ready, but I just want to wait a little while more," you explained.</p><p> </p><p>"Why?"</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged and sighed, closing the laptop so you wouldn't have to look at the list of tragedy any longer. "After he apologized last week, I just feel like I have to go back in at the end and change some stuff."</p><p> </p><p>"Hmm," Ivy hummed suspiciously and raised her eyebrows. </p><p> </p><p>"That's it, really. I just need to adjust things and then I'll send it out, I promise."</p><p> </p><p>"You've worked on this thing non-stop for the last two months. I just don't want you to change your mind about it because of him."</p><p> </p><p>"I know. I'm not," you assured her. </p><p> </p><p>"When's the last time he called you?" she asked, pushing off of the sofa to cross into the kitchen. </p><p> </p><p>"Last night, just like all the other nights before that," you said. You tried to sound annoyed, but you couldn't help but smile. </p><p> </p><p>"Maybe he should lay off? It's rude to call you all the time when you said you wanted space," Ivy complained as she pulled a tub of leftover noodles from the fridge. </p><p> </p><p>You grinned to yourself. You had technically started it. You had told him you would let him know when you were ready to receive his calls, and one day later you decided a bit of texting couldn't hurt. You needed an excuse though. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Did the front desk ever give you the suit jacket I brought back?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He answered so quickly it had made you giggle out loud on the subway. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Yes, thank you. It's one of my favorites.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>You had been slightly disappointed. You were hoping he might try to start more of a conversation. That feeling only lasted a moment, because he quickly sent another. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>How are you?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>So that's how the texting started. The conversation was short and polite, though you couldn't imagine texting Kylo in a very chatty, upbeat way. And at the end of the night, when you told him you were off to sleep, he asked again if he could call you. You told him he could. </p><p> </p><p>Then it happened every night. Though, you only answered three out of the six times it occurred. He didn't question or guilt you for not answering. He just tried again the next night. </p><p> </p><p>"I told him he could call, and I don't mind it. It's kind of nice," you said matter-of-factly. Ivy just shrugged and took another sloppy bite of cold noodles. </p><p> </p><p>"I think I'm gonna shower. I smell," she announced, closing the box and returning it to the fridge. "You okay? I can wait until later if you want."</p><p> </p><p>You huffed. "Oh my god, I'm fine. You don't need to babysit me anymore."</p><p> </p><p>She raised her palms in surrender and disappeared down the hallway. You pulled out your phone, wondering if Kylo had called or texted. He hadn't but it was okay. You didn't want to slip into the mindset of waiting around for him. He was supposed to be waiting around for you. </p><p> </p><p>A knock on the door made you frown. You weren't expecting anyone. As far as you knew, Ivy wasn't expecting anyone either. You stumbled to your feet and checked your appearance. Leggings and a hoodie. Decent enough for whatever uninvited guest was bothering you at seven p.m. on a Thursday. Another knock sounded out and you strode to the door, mumbling an annoyed curse. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you exclaimed in surprise. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was standing in the hallway in a black hoodie and jeans. One hand was tucked into the pocket of his hoodie while the other held a paper sack. He looked even shittier than he had before. The circles under his eyes were darker, cheeks droopy with exhaustion. You instantly felt bad. You hoped his poor sleep wasn't your fault. As soon as his eyes met yours, a small shy smile was pulling at your lips. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey," he said plainly. He sounded slightly nervous, which you couldn't help but feel was appropriate. Showing up to your apartment unprovoked was a risky move.</p><p> </p><p>"Um, hi," you shifted in place, glancing at the messy room behind you. "How did you even get in the building?"</p><p> </p><p>"Just luck. Someone came out as I was coming in," he explained. His lips were slightly pursed, awaiting whatever response he was going to receive. You let a pause bounce between you. He had randomly shown up again, so just like last time, it was his job to talk. "I brought you dinner."</p><p> </p><p>He reached out and handed you the paper bag which you accepted with a confused glance. "Oh, well, thanks," you said. "What is it?"</p><p> </p><p>"Chicken," he said, both of his hands now stuffed into his hoodie. </p><p> </p><p>The bag was heavier that you expected, and you could tell that it was mostly full. "Just the chicken, nothing else?" you asked suspiciously. </p><p> </p><p>"There's a steak too," he admitted, gesturing to the bag.</p><p> </p><p>"Who's the steak for?"</p><p> </p><p>"Whoever wants it."</p><p> </p><p>"Like Ivy?" you taunted, eyebrows raising.</p><p> </p><p>"Sure."</p><p> </p><p>You tried to hold back your grin but it broke through without permission. "Is the steak for you?"</p><p> </p><p>"No, no. It's for whoever you want to give it to."</p><p> </p><p>"So it's for you."</p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>"But technically yes."</p><p> </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>You sighed. He had showed up, which was both annoying and nice. Annoying because you hadn't given him permission. Nice because at least he was reaching out, wanting to talk to you. </p><p> </p><p>"Well," you said slowly, staring at the bag in your hand. "Ivy doesn't like steak, and I don't like the idea of it getting thrown away."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo shrugged. "Whatever you want."</p><p> </p><p>It was so good to see his face again in a circumstance that didn't feel threatening. You stared at each other for a moment, and only his slight frown snapped you out of your reverie. </p><p> </p><p>"Um, sorry," you mumbled. "I can't let you inside."</p><p> </p><p>His frown deepened. "Oh. Why?"</p><p> </p><p>"Ivy thinks I should set boundaries, so you're technically not allowed inside the apartment. It's just...a thing. It's not as personal as it sounds," you said quickly. </p><p> </p><p>He nodded slowly, like he was trying to dissect exactly what that meant.</p><p> </p><p>"But you can still stay, if you want. You just can't...come in," you said awkwardly. It was an uncomfortable boundary to set, but it seemed necessary. You didn't want to set a boundary of no talking. Silence was Kylo's natural instinct. If you encouraged it, everything would slide backwards into the way things had been. If he wanted to try, you were going to let him try. He just couldn't invade the peaceful space that you lived in. </p><p> </p><p>"I'd like to stay if you're sure it's okay," he said stiffly, almost like the words didn't come to him naturally, like they were rehearsed.</p><p> </p><p>"It's okay. Do you want a drink?" you asked, reaching out to give him back the bag. </p><p> </p><p>"Sure, whatever you've got."</p><p>-</p><p>You hadn't realized that when Kylo said chicken, he had really meant chicken tenders. You chuckled at the to-go box filled of tenders and fries. </p><p> </p><p>"I can't believe you got me chicken tenders," you said with an amused smile.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo looked up from his food to meet your eye. His back was pressed to the wall of the hallway, seated directly across from you, and his feet were planted against the floor, forcing his knees to bend. He was far too long to sit with his legs straight out. </p><p> </p><p>"I thought you liked chicken tenders," he said, blinking at you with awkward defeat. </p><p> </p><p>"I do," you jumped to console him. "It's just so...not fancy."</p><p> </p><p>"You don't like fancy."</p><p> </p><p>You popped a fry into your mouth and smirked. "No, I don't."</p><p> </p><p>In fact, this wasn't fancy at all and you were enjoying it. Sitting across from each other on the floor, your feet tucked to the side just within the doorframe, felt familiar somehow. It was nice to see his face and hear his voice. It was nice to watch his jaw move as he chewed. Other than the grimy hallway and new circumstances, it almost felt like old times. The only thing that bothered you was his appearance. He didn't look well. Almost ill.</p><p> </p><p>You swallowed harshly and peered at him, eyes focused on catching his reaction. "So...Are you okay?" you asked cautiously, taking a bite of your chicken to appear nonchalant. </p><p> </p><p>He blinked at you momentarily, before averting his eyes. "Yes. Fine," he said plainly, and not convincingly. </p><p> </p><p>"Can I be blunt?" you asked nervously.</p><p> </p><p>"Go ahead."</p><p> </p><p>"You don't look well. You look like you're not sleeping."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo's chest rose in a large breath and he pushed his fork against his food, rolling a piece of steak from side to side. "I'll survive."</p><p> </p><p>"I just...Is it my fault, since things are a bit...confusing?" Your brows turned down in concern.</p><p> </p><p>"No," he jumped to end your guilt. "It's not that. It's just personal. I'll manage."</p><p> </p><p>"You know, you're allowed to tell me about personal things."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo licked his lips and took a bite of steak to stall his reply. His hair was still longer than usual, but it only made his curls more defined and you spotted a perfect ringlet behind his ear. You watched him patiently, hoping that he might speak a bit more freely since his admittance of last week. If he didn't, you thought you might feel okay still. He wasn't going to rid his poor communication skills overnight. The fact that he was here seemed to say plenty on it's own.</p><p> </p><p>When he spoke, you watched intently, listening with urgent ears. "Going against every natural instinct is a little...draining," he said slowly, calculating his words to say what he wanted without revealing too much.</p><p> </p><p>It was slightly tricky to decipher. Natural instinct. To you, natural instinct meant attraction and feelings. For Kylo, you assumed it meant the opposite--avoiding love, ignoring emotion, hiding truth. </p><p> </p><p>Loving you was causing him pain. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm so sorry," you whispered, face screwed in guilt.</p><p> </p><p>"Stop that."</p><p> </p><p>"What?" you scoffed. </p><p> </p><p>"Feeling bad."</p><p> </p><p>You released a deep breath and tried to smile at him kindly. "I can't help it."</p><p> </p><p>"I know," he cleared his throat. </p><p> </p><p>A moment of familiarity passed between you--two people who knew each other, but not without consequence. </p><p> </p><p>"Um, anyway, I didn't come here to talk about me," he announced. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh?" You scrunched your brows. "What did you come here to talk about?"</p><p> </p><p>"The book."</p><p> </p><p>Your stomach plummeted and the blood fled from your cheeks. Slowly, your smile fell as you blinked at him in shock. <em>The book. The book. The book</em>. </p><p> </p><p>"Which one?" you croaked.</p><p> </p><p>"The new one."</p><p> </p><p>The one about him.</p><p> </p><p>Your thoughts rushed by at a million miles per hour, trying to think of how he could possibly have known about it. No explanation could be found on your own.</p><p> </p><p>"How did you even know about that?" you asked, a half-eaten chicken tender stuck in the air between your frozen fingers. </p><p> </p><p>"Snoke found out," he said simply, though you could tell by the slump in his shoulders that he wasn't proud of his boss' actions. </p><p> </p><p>"What exactly did he find?"</p><p> </p><p>"The proposal your agent approved."</p><p> </p><p>So that meant a summary and the first chapter. The first chapter. Snoke knew the contents of that first chapter. The one you used Kylo's old name in, the one where you admitted to being very much in love with him. You couldn't imagine anything worse.</p><p> </p><p>"Did you read it?" you asked stiffly, jaw set, eyes angry as you stared at him. </p><p> </p><p>His answer seemed hesitant. He knew you wouldn't like it. "Yes."</p><p> </p><p>A part of you wanted to snap, scold him for doing so before even asking about it. Then again, you were going to publish it for anyone to see. If he had written something about you, you knew you would have jumped to read it too.</p><p> </p><p>"I guess that was going to happen eventually," you said quietly, no attempt to hide your shame. "What, uh, part of it exactly do you want to discuss?"</p><p> </p><p>"Let's start with the name choice," he said. You expected a bit of annoyance, but he seemed mostly amused. You covered your face with one hand and groaned. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, I've been thinking about changing it. I was feeling like a bit of an asshole when I started it," you explained with a surrendering tone. At first, using the name Ben felt like what he deserved. The wound had been so fresh, you almost hadn't cared if it would upset him. Now, after the turn of recent events, you didn't want to expose his real name to the world, and of course you didn't want to push the pain of his past onto him. That was the main change you wanted to make before publishing. </p><p> </p><p>"You did warn me, to be fair," he said with a small shrug, but you could sense a glint of something in his eyes. He didn't want to tell you, but he didn't like it.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm still going to change it," you assured him. "I wouldn't do that to you."</p><p> </p><p>He just nodded slightly, but the tenseness in his shoulders vanished. </p><p> </p><p>"Any other...thoughts about it?" you asked, wide eyes hoping for a real answer.</p><p> </p><p>He took a bite of steak and peered at you intently. He was so handsome. Sometimes you forgot just how handsome he was. </p><p> </p><p>"It doesn't seem fair," he interrupted your shameless gawking. "They don't get to see my point of view, and I assume last week hasn't been written in?" You shook your head. "Then that's not the whole story."</p><p> </p><p>"I know," you said with a fond smile. "We aren't sending to publishers yet because I need to change some things."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh. Well...well okay, good." He took a moment to ponder his next question. "You made it sound like...you liked me from the very beginning."</p><p> </p><p>You stared at your shoes, blush coating your face. "I think I did."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh."</p><p> </p><p>"When did it start for you?"</p><p> </p><p>He chewed slowly as he thought. You liked to know that at this moment, he was shuffling through his memories with you and searching for the one that had implanted affection. </p><p> </p><p>"Probably--" he started before pausing to decide. "Christmas. Or maybe earlier. I don't know how to tell."</p><p> </p><p>"That's okay," you said quietly. "Christmas was nice."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded and your eyes met for a moment of shared nostalgia. The rest of the meal was enjoyed with simpler, less heart-wrenching conversation about your book and Rey's proposal. It was nice to speak to him like this, like there was nothing 'in it' for either of you. Just two people who wanted to catch up.</p><p> </p><p>The only interruption was Ivy padding into the kitchen in her towel, stopping to frown at you. "Why are you sitting there? Close the door, I'm practically naked," she said, before she noticed Kylo. Her cheeks turned red and she shrieked a "Oh my god, a warning next time please!" before she scurried back to her room. You reminded yourself to apologize later. </p><p> </p><p>When both of your to-go boxes were empty and cold air of the hallway had filled the apartment through the open door, Kylo stood and announced that he should go. It made your stomach drop slightly from having to say goodbye. In the midst of this muddled mess where nothing seemed to be decided, you couldn't help but feel like any goodbye could be <em>the</em> goodbye. </p><p> </p><p>"Thanks for the food," you said, gathering his trash from his outstretched hands. </p><p> </p><p>"Your welcome," he replied plainly. He started to step away but paused, teetering between his parted feet. "I'm sorry Snoke found your book."</p><p> </p><p>You sighed and shrugged. "Thanks. It wasn't ideal."</p><p> </p><p>He nodded. "Goodnight."</p><p> </p><p>"'Night, Kylo," you replied quietly.</p><p> </p><p>You wanted to watch him go, but you forced yourself to shut the door.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>okay, time for a little honesty. I had to rush this chapter and I am really not proud of the outcome. I have two big tests this weekend, and though I would much rather write than study, the reality is that school comes first. I am not going to rush the ending the way I did this chapter. ily and I want to give you a good finale so I'm going to have to take my time. You guys are always understanding about this, so thank you. I promise to do my best in getting it out soon. --deli</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Search Party</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rey and Sophie had vastly different approaches to wedding planning. Sophie had a whole binder of printed Pinterest photos and cutouts from magazines. Everything was glued onto cardstock pages. There were random color swatches she had snatched from Home Depot and she had a list of ideas that included things like 'glittery vases?' and 'bridesmaids--leopard print shoes?'</p><p> </p><p>Rey, on the other hand, had one note on her phone filled with links to ideas and products with actual price tags. She knew exactly which ideas were too cheesy, but claimed she couldn't care less about what shoes the bridesmaids wore. She seemed a bit indifferent to making choices, and often just nodded and added a "Sure, that sounds fine" to Sophie's suggestions.</p><p> </p><p>The kitchen table in your apartment was a disaster, covered in magazines and snacks, Sophie's giant binder taking up a large portion of the surface. The four of you--Rey, Sophie, Ivy and yourself--were gathered around it tackling different tasks. Ivy was gluing paper butterflies onto the guest book. You were working on the reception playlist--a DJ could not be afforded. Sophie was doing anything that came to mind--she usually got too distracted to be assigned a specific task. And Rey was meant to be sorting through the RSVP's. </p><p> </p><p>It felt a bit like an emergency meeting. Because it was. No one was too surprised that Rey and Sophie wanted to get married as soon as possible. They had been waiting a while. The biggest hurdle would have been the venue, but Hazel, one of Sophie's friends, had parents that owned a country club. They agreed to let the couple rent it out for a cheaper price. The options for the big day were either one month or six months away. Sophie claimed one month was perfect. Sitting around the table at 9 p.m. with plenty more details waiting to be sorted out, you were starting to wonder how she would ever believe that.</p><p> </p><p>"What about these little guys on the tables?" Sophie asked holding up a photo of a potted leafy plant. "Is it not spring-y enough?"</p><p> </p><p>"It's cute if they're not too expensive," Ivy said. She pulled out a small round glass. "I'm gonna start on the candle holders." She had white ribbon to glue around them, along with some fake purple baby's-breath flowers. </p><p> </p><p>"I like that idea, Soph." You agreed with an excited nod. The three of you turned to look at Rey who was taking a large bite of her Chipotle burrito. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh," she said, voice muffled from the food in her mouth. "Sure, looks great."</p><p> </p><p>"Rey," Sophie said slightly concerned. She blinked at her with hopeful, begging eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Rey chewed a few more times before she swallowed her giant bite and cleared her throat. "I like it," she said plainly. She coughed into her hand and stood from her seat to wander into the kitchen. You flashed Sophie a small, pitying smile, before standing and following her. Rey was peering into the fridge, choosing between a water and an iced tea, so you pushed yourself to sit on the counter behind her. She flinched slightly when she turned to notice you, plastic bottle gripped between her fingers. She started for the table again but you kicked your foot out to block her.</p><p> </p><p>"Bub, wait," you pleaded, motioning for her to come closer. She inched forward, hip almost touching your knee. "Is something wrong?"</p><p> </p><p>Rey frowned and shook her head. Her hair was in three buns today, her favorite style, but they were starting to unfurl from a full day of wear. "No, why?" she sounded slightly annoyed.</p><p> </p><p>"You're acting a bit like you don't care," you said slowly. Her face was a little too tense, eyebrows drawn in, lips set into a straight line. Your usual calm, supportive, giggly Rey was not in her usual mood, even when planning the best day of her life.</p><p> </p><p>"Of course I care," she snapped, glancing at the table to ensure no one was eavesdropping.</p><p> </p><p>"I know that. Sophie knows that too, but maybe you could try to seem a little more opinionated, a little more excited."</p><p> </p><p>"Soph already knows I'm not picky," she huffed before trying to step away again.</p><p> </p><p>"<em>Rey</em>," you scolded, emphasizing the use of her name. You leaned forward and outstretched your leg to block her again. "I'm trying to help you. You don't see it but you're hurting her feelings a little."</p><p> </p><p>Rey stared at Sophie for a moment. She was still seated at the table, humming quietly as she flipped through her ridiculous binder. Her earrings were orange, clay fish today and her blonde waves were pulled back into a low bun, stray strands floating around her face. Rey's expression softened and she chewed at her lip, leaning closer to speak quietly.</p><p> </p><p>"I just want to be married already," she whispered.</p><p> </p><p>"A few weeks and then you will be," you reminded her. "You've waited this long, surely you're not impatient enough to act this restless about it, bub. Just be excited."</p><p> </p><p>Rey stared at you and you recognized the painful squint in her eye. "Mom won't stop calling me."</p><p> </p><p>Your face fell and panic clawed at your gut. "What did she say to you?" you asked quietly, brain buzzing with anger.</p><p> </p><p>Rey scoffed and rolled her eyes, but the expression didn't seem to match her posture. Her shoulders were still alert, lips still pursed with fear. "I didn't pick up. I don't want to know what she has to say, I just know it isn't good."</p><p> </p><p>"Is that why you're so on edge?"</p><p> </p><p>Rey's breath had started to stutter under her chest. "I just want to be married already, so I know nothing will happen."</p><p> </p><p>"What would happen?"</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know. I'm just scared."</p><p> </p><p>"White or purple ribbons around the bouquets?" Sophie interrupted from the table, holding up a photo.</p><p> </p><p>Rey cleared her throat and let her frown drop, forcing a sweet smile. "I like the white," she said, though her voice was shaky. She gave you a let's-forget-this-conversation glance, and lightly pushed your leg away so she could return to the table.</p><p> </p><p>After your little pep-talk, Rey seemed to try harder. She even started on sorting out the seating chart. She had been sitting across from Sophie before, but now she had moved her chair to sit right next to her, occasionally resting her cheek against Sophie's shoulder to examine the pages of the huge binder as she proudly flipped through them. Rey glanced at you and you nodded slightly in approval and assurance. The list of to-do's was slowly, very slowly, shrinking. But progress was progress and by ten o'clock, you were all feeling a bit of relief from getting some things out of the way.  </p><p> </p><p>Sophie was resting her forehead against her open binder when Rey's phone buzzed against the wood surface. You kept your fingers on the mouse of your laptop, searching for wedding favor options. It wasn't until Rey mumbled a, "For fuck's sake," that you snapped your head up to look at her. She was staring at her phone with anger and a hint of fear. You didn't have to see the screen to know who it was. </p><p> </p><p>"Just ignore her," you suggested, brows furrowed in concern. </p><p> </p><p>"No. I'm tired of this. Maybe something happened." Her thumb pressed at the device and she brought it to her ear, sighing into the speaker. "Yes?" she asked, not bothering to hide her annoyance. She took slow steps away from the table and floated into the living room to shoo the attention away from herself. "Just fine...Yeah, she's good." She glanced at you and you gave her a pitying frown. "Go ahead." Her jaw was tight, but as the silence passed it grew tighter and her brow left an angry fold in her forehead. "How did you even find out that we--" You waved your arm to try to capture her attention, but she was facing away now, shoulders pulled in. "Do you even hear yourself?" Her tone was beyond frustrated--it was hurt. You pushed out of your chair and creeped towards her, whispering her name, but she ignored you. "I'm not asking for your permission." You hissed her name louder and when she turned to look at you, there were tears crowding her eyes. "Our marriage will be just as real as anyone else's...You don't have any say in this." Her voice cracked and you could hear the beginning of a quiet sob. </p><p> </p><p>The room was alert now, buzzing with tension. Ivy was sitting awkwardly, frowning at Rey's shoulders in pity. Sophie was standing nervously and ringing her hands in front of her stomach. She met your gaze and mouthed something but you didn't catch exactly what. </p><p> </p><p>"Good, because you weren't fucking invited!" Rey yelled into the phone before she pulled it away and tapped harshly at the screen. Her shoulders were rising with deep angry breath, and you could tell from the gasping rhythm of her chest that she was holding in her sobs. </p><p> </p><p>"What happened?" you asked quietly, extending a hand to brush her arm. She flinched at your touch and mumbled an apology. </p><p> </p><p>"Exactly what you would expect," she said lowly. "She doesn't want us to get married."</p><p> </p><p>"It's none of her business." </p><p> </p><p>"I need some air," Rey announced, wiping her eyes and avoiding everyone's stare as she pulled her coat from the arm of the couch. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll come with you," Sophie volunteered, reaching for her own jacket.</p><p> </p><p>Tears were flowing steadily down Rey's face now, but her anguish was still being held in a layer of silence. She crossed the room to give Sophie a light but sincere peck. "I just need a minute alone," she whispered. Rey turned quickly, most likely to save herself from witnessing the sad look on Sophie's face. She slipped through the front door without another word, and the rest of you stared at each other in surprise. </p><p> </p><p>Rey tended to deal with things this way. She liked to hide. Maybe she was just used to hiding. Conflict wasn't her strong suit and when it arrived, she was usually the first one to excuse herself from the room. Tonight wasn't any different, and you tried to accept that she needed a moment of space to process the horrific words of her own mother. She was okay. It was okay. </p><p> </p><p>Sophie wanted to go after her right away, but she knew just as well as you did, that this was Rey's way of dealing with things. Though you were both still worried--it was late and you weren't sure she had any money with her. </p><p> </p><p>The first ten minutes were the easiest. You cleaned up the mess of wedding brainstorming materials and finished off the last of the tortilla chips. Sophie kept her phone in her hand, ringer on, constantly checking it even when it hadn't buzzed. </p><p> </p><p>The ten minutes after that were much more grueling. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you think she got lost?" Ivy asked, leaning against the kitchen counter with concern pulling at her features. </p><p> </p><p>"It's possible. Especially at night, maybe she doesn't recognize everything as well."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm calling her," Sophie announced. You nodded in anxious agreement, staring at Sophie's face, hoping for a good reaction as she lifted the phone to her ear. The hope pulling at her eyebrows dropped into a frown and she pulled the device away in defeat. "Straight to voicemail. Didn't even ring."</p><p> </p><p>"Shit," you mumbled. "Is twenty minutes too long?"</p><p> </p><p>You shared a moment of eye contact, and knew your decision was made. Sophie snatched the keys from the counter and pulled her coat on. Ivy and you followed suit, pulling on shoes and extra layers. </p><p> </p><p>"I shouldn't have let her leave alone," Sophie muttered under her breath as she swung the front door open. </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>Looking for Rey in the dark streets of Boston proved to be as difficult as you anticipated. It was early enough in the night enough for cars to still occupy most streets, so rolling along, pausing to squint at every silhouette, was not possible unless you wanted to get honked at all night. </p><p> </p><p>You had started by splitting off to half-jog around the surrounding streets of your apartment. After five minutes of nothing, you gathered into Sophie and Rey's car and went down every nearby street, including dark alleyways. Your mind was trying desperately to not stray to the worst case scenarios, but you couldn't help but picture her in some horrifying situation. The three of you took turns mumbling about how stupid you all had been to even let her leave this late at night, while the others consoled that it was okay and you would find her. </p><p> </p><p>Sitting in the same car, three pairs of eyes on the lookout, started to feel a little pointless. You wondered if two of you should get out and start walking around, but it would be much slower and you couldn't decide if it would only hurt the process in the end. What you really needed was another car, another vehicle scouring the streets. </p><p> </p><p>So far about ten voicemails and thirty calls had been left on Rey's phone. The need for space was typical of Rey. The ignoring calls was not. Rey wasn't much of the dramatic type--you couldn't imagine her storming off into the night and switching off her cellphone. When Rey said she was taking a walk, she was doing it so she could cry without anyone seeing, not so that you would come looking for her. </p><p> </p><p>Fifteen minutes of searching and you hadn't seen her. </p><p> </p><p>"She could be anywhere," Sophie groaned, turning down a street you had already been down. </p><p> </p><p>"She could be at the apartment," Ivy pointed out. "One of us should have stayed back."</p><p> </p><p>There was a moment of collective realization. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," you sighed. "That was pretty stupid of us."</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>The sight of the empty apartment made you want to cry. She wasn't here. You had imagined walking in and seeing Rey on the couch. </p><p> </p><p>"Where were you guys?" you pictured her asking, feet on the coffee table, snack in hand. </p><p> </p><p>But no. She was still gone. Sophie looked terrified now. </p><p> </p><p>"Should we call 911?" she asked, brows furrowed, eyes glossy. </p><p> </p><p>"It's been less than an hour. They're not going to do anything," Ivy said. </p><p> </p><p>The casual feel of the situation had completely deflated now. No one was going to assure the others that she was okay. </p><p> </p><p>Your phone rang loudly, and you flinched at the sudden noise. Breath was held under each chest as you pulled it from your pocket. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh," you mumbled. "It's Kylo."</p><p> </p><p>Ivy groaned and Sophie let out a disappointed sigh. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey," you said as you brought the phone to your ear. Ivy shot you a 'is this the time?' glare and you waved it off with an annoyed flick of your fingers. "I hate asking this, but could I borrow Jack?"</p><p> </p><p>Kylo hadn't even had the chance to say hello, and a moment of confused silence hung heavily through the speaker. "Jack's off this weekend," he said slowly. "What's happening?"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, sorry. That's okay then."</p><p> </p><p>"It doesn't sound okay." He must have sensed the worry in your voice. "What is it?"</p><p> </p><p>"Well, Rey left my apartment alone, and now we can't find her. It's been almost an hour and she hasn't come back. I should go."</p><p> </p><p>"Where are you? I'll come help."</p><p> </p><p>You could hear him moving, sounds of rustling and clanging. </p><p> </p><p>"Umm," you hummed. You pulled the phone away for a moment. "Kylo's offering to help," you whispered, watching for their reaction. Sophie hesitated but nodded, and Ivy shrugged. You took that as a yes. "Can you meet us at my apartment?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm on my way."</p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>Sophie left first--she was itching to keep looking. Ivy was going to wait in the apartment now, just in case Rey did come back. You stood in the hallway of the building entrance, pacing anxiously.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I'm here.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Kylo's text made you rush through the door, greeted by the blistering cold, and cross the sidewalk to the humming Porsche. You shut the door behind you quickly, not wanting to look at him yet. You knew he would be stunning under the low glow of the street lights, and right now you were too scared to fawn over him. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't really know the game plan. We've just been driving about," you explained. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo switched the car into drive and pulled away. His usual speeding habits were abandoned and replaced by a sluggish pace. In fact, you were guessing he was going under the speed limit now. Ten minutes were spent aimlessly searching the same streets you had before, only this time they seemed even darker. Neither of you spoke unless it was about where to turn or ideas about what could be happening. Desperation was clawing at you. You just needed to know she was okay. Being gone for over an hour was too extreme. She should have come home by now.</p><p> </p><p>You were tense in your seat, leaning forward, hands clasped and fidgety. You couldn't stop chewing at the skin around your fingernails. Your thumb was bleeding heavily from the assault of your teeth. Your pinky wasn't doing so well either, but it felt nice to relieve your anxiety some way. You pulled your middle finger up to your mouth to pull at the skin, but Kylo's hand found your wrist and he pushed at it lightly. </p><p> </p><p>"You're making yourself bleed," he said lowly, turning down a new alleyway. </p><p> </p><p>"This isn't like her," you answered, shoving his hand away so that you could rip at your cuticles. </p><p> </p><p>He tugged at your arm again, and you sighed, wiping the spit and blood against your jeans. His fingers loosened and he dragged them up the back of your hand until you flipped it over to give him your palm. He took it in his own, eyes still on the road. </p><p> </p><p>"Maybe we need a new strategy," he announced. Your hand felt so small in his giant grasp. His fingers were threaded through yours, so long his fingertips almost reached your wrists. He was warm, and although you had only held his hand a few times, the gesture felt familiar. "She probably hasn't been just walking this whole time. It's too cold for that. She might have gone inside somewhere."</p><p> </p><p>"She would have borrowed a phone," you argued. "Something bad must have happened."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't think like that," he said lowly, finally glancing over at you. As much as you wanted to resist it, the urge to look back at him won. He was in a hoodie. A black one. And his black jeans. The only difference was his hair. It had been shaggy and unruly the last time you had seen him, but now he had cut it back to it's original length so that it neatly brushed against his neck.</p><p> </p><p>"You got a haircut," you said before you could recognize the stupidity of the statement. </p><p> </p><p>"Uh, yeah," he said, switching his eyes between you and the road. "Is that important right now?"</p><p> </p><p>"No. Sorry, I just noticed," you answered lamely. "Maybe, you're right. Maybe, she went somewhere."</p><p> </p><p>You decided on starting with shops closest to the apartment. Even if she wasn't there now, she might have been there at some point of the evening. Kylo parked and you hurried down the sidewalk, his long strides outmatching yours. He reached the corner Walgreens first, and glanced at you before stepping through the sliding doors. You scrambled after him, half jogging. He had already reached the counter, and you heard the mention of Rey's name as you approached. </p><p> </p><p>"A lot of people come through here man," the employee argued. </p><p> </p><p>"In the last hour? You can't remember the customers you've seen in the last hour?" Kylo snapped, towering over him. </p><p> </p><p>You stepped forward and pulled out your phone, a photo of Rey already filling the screen. "This girl?" you asked hopefully. </p><p> </p><p>He shook his head. "Don't think so."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo opened his mouth to argue again, but you tugged at his arm. "It's fine. Let's keep going."</p><p> </p><p>The same scene occurred again and again. A grocery store, a Starbucks, McDonald's, even a fancy restaurant. No one had any helpful information, and no one seemed to recognize her from the photo. Your panic was escalating. At first you had been nervous that she had gotten lost. Now you kept picturing her walking alone in the dark and having some....terrible thing occur. You tried to ignore any specific details of possibilities. Your imagination was far too strong to even risk considering those sorts of ideas. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," the owner of a taco truck told you with a shrug. "Haven't seen her tonight."</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks, anyways," you said with a sad sigh, stepping away to start down the street again. </p><p> </p><p>"Wait," Kylo stopped you. "Let's think about this a little more." </p><p> </p><p>"Okay, you do that. I'm starting to freak the fuck out though," you breathed, starting down the sidewalk again. </p><p> </p><p>His arm grabbed yours and you halted to stare at him with annoyance. "Hey," he surrendered, raising his palms. "We can't keep looking aimlessly. We have to think about this. Where would Rey go?"</p><p> </p><p>You took a shaky breath. Your stomach was twisted now, nausea stirring in your gut. All her nearby friends had been alerted by Sophie of her absence. You wondered if any of them had set out to look too. If they had, you couldn't imagine how she hadn't been found yet. </p><p> </p><p>"I-I don't know. Somewhere quiet probably. Or isolated. She doesn't like crying in front of people, so I can't imagine where'd she go to be alone. It's late anyways, barely anything is open."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," Kylo said slowly. He began walking down the sidewalk, staring at his shoes, gears in his mind turning and turning. "There's only so much open this late. If she wanted to just sit somewhere and hide, she wouldn't have gone to a store."</p><p> </p><p>You shrugged, breath struggling to make it out of your lungs. "I guess."</p><p> </p><p>"So no more grocery stores," he announced. He turned a corner and fastened his pace. "Food places, maybe?"</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe, yeah." you answered, jogging to catch up. </p><p> </p><p>"Bars?" he asked next.</p><p> </p><p>"No," you scoffed. "Rey doesn't really drink."</p><p> </p><p>"She's upset."</p><p> </p><p>"And she doesn't drink when she's upset."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo frowned. "Upset people do things they normally wouldn't."</p><p> </p><p>"We can try, but she's not drinking."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo googled nearby bars and fast food locations. You walked through the dining rooms of the closest Taco Bell's and Wendy's, and even checked in their grimy bathrooms. The bars were trickier when you had to show ID and try not to look too suspicious as you scanned the room for her. No luck yet.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo was blowing warm air into his hands while you approached an old stone building. Beer signs littered the windows, and an old bulldog was tied up in the front. You frowned at the chubby dog, and looked back at Kylo. </p><p> </p><p>"There's no way she's here," you announced. The bar was far too old and quiet for Rey to ever enter. You had no idea how she would ever stumble upon it anyways--it was a strange walk from the apartment. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's just check," Kylo insisted, pulling at the door to hold it open for you. You huffed at him, but your panic was heavy enough to make you step inside. </p><p> </p><p>The space was small and dim. It smelled like cigarettes and cheap air freshener. You scanned the tables lined around the sides of the room. The wall behind the bar was covered in random photos, and an older man greeted you from behind the counter. You didn't get the chance to reply, because there in the black padded barstool, was Rey. </p><p> </p><p>You crossed to her in wide, worried steps. You only recognized her from the three messy buns on the back of her head. Her face was hidden, pressed into the crook of her folded arms. </p><p> </p><p>"Bub?" you said softly, sitting next to her and lightly pressing your fingers to her arm. She stirred and her head moved as she repositioned herself against the surface of the bar. </p><p> </p><p>"She's been out for a while," the bartender informed you. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo was hovering near the entrance, leaning against the wall and watching you with hesitant eyes. You appreciated his distance. Rey wouldn't want to be seen like this by someone she didn't know well. </p><p> </p><p>"Rey," you said again, this time leaning closer to speak into her ear. She groaned and lifted her head a few inches. She was blinking heavily, squinting at her arms beneath her. "Bub, it's me. Can you sit up?" She took a deep breath and raised her head to look at you. Her eyes were red and foggy. Her cheeks held the stain of dried tears. She blinked at you a few times. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, hi," she slurred quietly. "I think I fell asleep."</p><p> </p><p>"We've been calling you."</p><p> </p><p>You pulled your phone out quickly. You had almost forgotten to tell the others. After a short, relieved text to Sophie and Ivy, you tucked it away again and focused on her pink face. </p><p> </p><p>"My phone died," she said, though she didn't seem to register the amount of your worry. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you okay?" </p><p> </p><p>Her gaze had shifted to the counter and she stared at a random spot, mind floating in and out of normality. </p><p> </p><p>"Mom doesn't want me to get married," she said. Her voice was muffled and small, wavered by the alcohol and grief. </p><p> </p><p>"I know. I'm sorry."</p><p> </p><p>She waved her hand in the air as if to say "Oh well." But there were tears in her eyes again and her lip began to shake. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, bub, no," you cooed, scooting forward to place your arms around her. Her cheek rested against your shoulder heavily, and her hands lay limp in your lap. </p><p> </p><p>"She said marriage wasn't meant for me and Soph, and that it won't be real," she mumbled into your coat. Your hands rubbed along her back and you whispered soothing shushes into her ear. </p><p> </p><p>"She's wrong. It will be real. Realer than her and dad's, don't you think? I mean, you actually love Sophie. That's more than she can say."</p><p> </p><p>Rey chuckled, cheek vibrating against you, and she hiccuped loudly before taking a few deep breaths. </p><p> </p><p>"That's funny. She really does hate dad, doesn't she?" she said with another giggle. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah. And you don't hate Sophie at all."</p><p> </p><p>Rey shook her head and a sob broke through. "Is she angry with me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Sophie?" you asked in surprise. Rey nodded. "No, no. She's not mad at all. She was just scared because we couldn't find you, but she understands."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, good."</p><p> </p><p>Kylo was no longer standing at the wall. In fact, he was nowhere in the bar at all. You pulled out your phone again. He had texted you. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I'm walking to get the car. Stay there. Be back in a few.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>You weren't sure why he couldn't have just walked up and told you that. Maybe he was too nervous to interrupt a private moment. You were grateful he had communicated at all, and grateful for the thoughtfulness. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't you want to go home?" you asked, leaning back to force her to sit up. Her head was leaned slightly to the side. Her hair was ridiculous, baby hairs sticking up straight around her face, bumps of hair poking up around her scalp. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," she slurred. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's stand up," you suggested and stepped off your barstool to help her out of her own. She teetered on her feet and held onto you until the world wasn't spinning so violently. </p><p> </p><p>You paid the bartender, leaving an extra large tip for keeping an eye on her, and hooked one arm around her waist as you lead her outside. The bulldog was still there, his wrinkled face staring at you as you waited in the cold. The Porsche pulled up within a few minutes. Kylo stepped out and rounded the front of the car to open the passenger door.</p><p> </p><p>"Who's that?" Rey asked as you helped her stumble to him. </p><p> </p><p>"It's Kylo," you said casually, glancing at him as he adjusted the seat to pull forward. He stepped away and you held her hands as she climbed into the backseat. Once she was situated, you pushed the chair back into it's position and slid into it as Kylo returned to the driver's side. </p><p> </p><p>"Seatbelt," you said, turning to look at her as you pulled the door closed. She fumbled with it. The buckle was gripped tightly between her fingers, but she couldn't seem to get it into the slot of the fastener. You started to extend your arms to help her, but she was behind you and your seatbelt tugged at you, halting your reach. Your hands pulled down to unbuckle your seatbelt, but by the time you had managed to undo your own, Kylo had already reached back. He was twisted in his seat, wide shoulders angled towards Rey. You watched in astonishment as his large fingers took the buckle from her and clicked it into place. He turned back to the wheel like nothing significant had occurred and started down the road.</p><p> </p><p>You couldn't help but stare at him for a moment. You weren't sure you had ever been so tempted to kiss him before. His lips were puffy and pink in the flashing light of the street lamps. He must have sensed your stare, because he looked over and frowned at your shameless gaze. </p><p> </p><p>"What?" he asked, utterly oblivious. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, nothing," you said quietly. </p><p> </p><p>His eyes found yours once more in silent curiosity before they focused on the road again. </p><p> </p><p>Rey mumbled a few slurred collections of meaningless words along the trip. Kylo was still driving slow, though this time it was to prevent Rey from puking in the back of his car. You called Sophie and explained what happened. She said she'd meet you at home. </p><p> </p><p>When the apartment building loomed above you, you stepped out and assisted Rey in doing the same. Kylo looked almost awkward, one hand on the gearshift, the other rubbing the back of his neck. </p><p> </p><p>"You should come up," you said, leaning down to meet his eye. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm...That's against the rules," he reminded. </p><p> </p><p>You shrugged. "Sophie will want to thank you for your help. Plus she made cookies. We'll probably stay up and watch a movie. We kind of owe you one," you explained. You held your breath as he considered your offer. Rejection, no matter how unimportant, would sting when it was from him. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay."</p><p> </p><p>The ride in the elevator was uncomfortable. Rey kept trying to press more of the buttons, and she kept mentioning mom and her terrible comments. You hadn't even explained the situation to Kylo yet. He was looking at you with slightly furrowed brows. </p><p> </p><p>As soon as Rey stumbled through the front door, Sophie was wrapping her arms around her. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry. I'm drunk," Rey mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>Sophie laughed with relief, and scattered kisses over her warm face. "I'm just glad you're alive," she mumbled into Rey's skin. Ivy looked between you and Kylo, stopping to blink at you twice. </p><p> </p><p>"Um, it was mostly Kylo's doing. He had the idea to check bars," you announced. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy nodded, though her lips were slightly pursed with protection. "That was nice of you to help," she said stiffly. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Sophie joined in, pulling away from her fiancée for a moment to look at him gratefully. "Thank you. We were so scared. We shouldn't have let her go out alone anyways. She's a woman and it's dark out. I feel so fucking stupid." </p><p> </p><p>"No problem," Kylo assured them with a flinch of his fingers. </p><p> </p><p>Sophie placed one last kiss against Rey's lips before she crossed into the kitchen and pulled out a container of cookies. "This barely makes up for it, but they're pretty good," she informed him, extending the plastic box. </p><p> </p><p>He took one and thanked her quietly. You reached in and took one too, not leaving him to be the only one. Sophie followed suit and gave one to Rey who was now sitting at the kitchen table, heavily leaning into the back of her chair. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's watch something," Ivy said as she leaned over to pull one out for herself. "I don't think I can sleep yet after all this."</p><p> </p><p>"Me either," Sophie added. She returned to Rey's side. "Feel like watching something?" she whispered. Rey nodded lazily. "Please stay, Kylo. I'll pop popcorn. You shouldn't go home so soon after all this craziness."</p><p> </p><p>He glanced at you and you nodded assuringly. "Okay, thanks," he said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>You reminded yourself to thank Sophie later for always making him feel welcome. </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>You should have known everyone would fall asleep. It had been an insane night of terrified adrenaline. Rey passed out almost immediately. Sophie kept shoving her every once in a while to make sure she would stir. You couldn't even blame her. Being paranoid seemed understandable for tonight. Sophie fell asleep not too long after. She was leaning against the end of the couch, Rey laying on her lap in the floor. Ivy was next to you, curled up against the arm of the sofa. She snoozed off halfway through the film. </p><p> </p><p>It was just you and Kylo, inches away from each other. You could smell his cologne and feel his warmth. You pretended to watch the movie, though you were mostly spacing out, trying not to look at him no matter how much you wanted to. He didn't seem concerned with pretending--he was looking right at you. </p><p> </p><p>"How's the book process?"</p><p> </p><p>"Which one?" you whispered back. </p><p> </p><p>"Both."</p><p> </p><p>"Well," you started with a small smile. It was nice to have him ask things. "There's a release date now. May 15th. We're doing Amazon and some local places, and then hopefully we can go up from there. As for the one...about you, I'm still editing. It's not quite right yet, and I don't know why."</p><p> </p><p>He looked sleepy. His eyelids were drooping and blinking slowly at you. His lips seemed even poutier. You couldn't help but think about what it was like to feel them. </p><p> </p><p>"Probably the ending," he said, snapping you from your admiring daze. </p><p> </p><p>"What?"</p><p> </p><p>"In your book. The ending isn't right."</p><p> </p><p>"How should it end then?" you asked beneath your breath. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo shifted against the couch. He was staring at the TV now. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't think it's up to me."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped. "And if it was?"</p><p> </p><p>A solemn smile pulled at Kylo's lips and he let out a small sigh through his nose. He leaned forward and you closed your eyes. His lips didn't meet yours. Instead he pressed a light, lingering kiss to your warm cheek. You tried to savor the moment, but it was over far too soon for you to grasp onto its memory. </p><p> </p><p>"It's late. I should go."</p><p> </p><p>He stood up before you could protest. Kylo pulled his coat from the back of a kitchen chair and slipped his arms into it. You followed him to the door. The urge to say something was bubbling in your throat.</p><p> </p><p>He stepped through the door and looked back at you expectedly. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you so much for helping tonight. That meant...more than you know," you said softly. </p><p> </p><p>"Anytime."</p><p> </p><p>You gave him a small smile and he returned it, though his exhaustion weighed at it's corners. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll work on the ending," you blurted. He paused and nodded slowly. </p><p> </p><p>"Me too."</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sincere apologies for how long this took to get up. I had a different version ready to post on Tuesday but I was super unhappy with it so I rewrote it. I promise I'm not just trying to torture you! Also THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER. I've been a bit confusing about that and I apologize. The end is very, very near. I promise I haven't just been teasing about it. Thank you for all the support and patience!--deli</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. For Tonight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After years of being condemned and shamed, Rey had finally won. Her white jumpsuit seemed entirely appropriate for the big day, as did Sophie's short satin dress. You couldn't stop crying during the ceremony. Ivy kept grinning at you from her seat in the front. You smiled back despite the tears that were spilling continuously down your cheeks. Rey looked so happy. She looked so okay. You'd never seen her this hopeful. Sophie was a blubbering mess of tears and joy. She could barely get through her vows without sobbing, and even Rey's voice cracked somewhere within her declaration of commitment. </p><p> </p><p>And then they were married. You were grateful when the crowd clapped and hooted while the newlyweds kissed and scurried down the aisle hand in hand. Rey deserved to feel that amount of acceptance. It was all you had ever wanted for her. </p><p> </p><p>You had spent the entire ceremony wondering if your parents were going to show up and ruin the occasion. The only slightly unexpected guest was Kylo. </p><p> </p><p>After Rey's brief gone-missing moment, she was incredibly embarrassed but also incredibly grateful that Kylo had helped in the search. She insisted that, if it was alright with you, he be invited to the wedding. Deep down you sensed that it was more of Sophie's idea than Rey's, but you didn't mind either way. Despite everything that had happened, Kylo still felt like your friend, and having him present on a specifically important day just felt right. </p><p> </p><p>Plus, you knew he would look handsome in his suit. You were right. It was gray and perfectly tailored to fit his figure. His new haircut was a bonus. You didn't notice him until you had already taken your place as Rey's maid of honor at the front of the green, country club lawn. You had been shooing away a bee when you met his eye. You grinned at the sight of him and his handsomeness. He grinned back. </p><p> </p><p>The reception was your favorite part. The white outdoor tent had openings like windows that let the orange light of the setting sun fill the crammed space.  When the food had been mostly consumed and people began to grow restless, you stood next to Rey and Sophie's table and asked for everyone's attention through the mic.</p><p> </p><p><em>Don't find Kylo</em>, you reminded yourself. Public speaking was scary enough without his intimidating gaze. </p><p> </p><p>"I think most of you know me," you started. Your voice was wavering but you tried to calm it. "I'm Rey's sister, and her maid of honor." You found Ivy and she flashed you a confident thumbs up. Somehow it helped. "I'm not sure how many of you know Rey's story. I won't share it in full, but she's given me permission to mention the basics. Um, we didn't grow up in a household where Rey was accepted." The familiar sting of tears was already clawing at your throat. "I don't think I'll ever know the kind of pain she's been through. All I know is how much it hurt to watch her doubt her own identity, and it hurt a lot. So I can't imagine what it was like to be in her place." Rey was blinking rapidly. You smiled a little, knowing she was fighting back tears now. "I know that's a bit of a downer, but I think it's what makes today so special. Rey is selfless and calm. She deserves love. I hate that anyone ever made her believe differently. Because look at them." You stepped back and wiped your damp cheeks as Sophie grinned and Rey blushed. "How could that ever be wrong?"</p><p> </p><p>Ivy was crying too now, and she laughed quietly when you met her gaze. </p><p> </p><p>"Shit, sorry," you mumbled into the mic, stopping to sniffle and wipe away tears. "Sophie is my sister now, though I felt like she was my sister before. She's genuine and caring, and I don't know if she realizes it or not, but she knows exactly how to make a person feel like they belong in the world." You looked back at her to find her lips pressed together tightly, her hand resting on her chest. "I don't know if we learned a lot about love from our parents. I think Rey learned about it from Sophie, and I learned about it from watching the two of them be so annoyingly perfect together."</p><p> </p><p>You paused to catch your breath and wipe your nose with the back of your hand. That's when you spotted him. He was sitting at a table across the room, leaning forward in his seat, elbows on his knees, staring at you more intently than you knew possible. </p><p> </p><p>"I think I've learned a lot about love recently." You gulped. Your outlined speech was completely off track now. You weren't sure you cared. "Sometimes it's complicated. It can be painful too." You tried to look away from him, but your eyes wouldn't obey. "I think when you feel so much so fast, it's overwhelming and it just hurts." You cleared your throat. This wasn't supposed to be about him. "Rey and Sophie make it look easy." You took a deep breath. "I guess some people hide from that hurt and some people stick with it, because they believe it might turn out to be worth it." </p><p> </p><p>Kylo's stare was still intense. You were trapped in it, locked into his golden irises. There was some form of understanding between you. </p><p> </p><p>You forced yourself to turn to the couple, flashing them a tearful smile. "If anyone deserves a happily ever after, it's you two." You raised your glass. "Here's to believing."</p><p>-</p><p>The cake was cut. Sophie smashed some into Rey's face and they both giggled while Rey returned the favor.</p><p> </p><p>Ivy stood beside you as you watched their first dance. You were both crying and sniffling, giggling at each other's red eyes and blotchy cheeks. Your mascara was surely gone by now, but you couldn't find the need to care about much. Rey was happy and married, and some part of the universe had seemed to click into place. </p><p> </p><p>You made it through a few songs of careless dancing before you had to take a break. The back of your neck was damp with sweat and your breath was coming quicker. You sat at the wedding party's table and sipped on your half-full water. Rey was giggling as she bounced around the dance floor. Sophie was a little tipsy from the champagne and she was laughing so hard her eyes were squinted. </p><p> </p><p>"I liked your speech."</p><p> </p><p>You recognized his voice without having to turn and look at him. You'd recognize it anywhere. Blindfolded, underwater, in the middle of a crowd. You'd find it.</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks," you said peering at where he stood beside your chair. "I thought I knew what I was going to say but then I just kind of--" You waved your hand in front of you. "Spewed a bunch of random shit."</p><p> </p><p>"I liked it," he said again. </p><p> </p><p>You looked up at him and he returned your stare. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm really glad you came," you said quietly. "They wanted you here and so did I."</p><p> </p><p>"I wouldn't have missed it."</p><p> </p><p>A smile pulled at your lips. "Don't you want to dance?" you teased, gesturing to the dance floor. </p><p> </p><p>"Sure."</p><p> </p><p>You frowned at him in bewilderment. You had only been teasing. You fully expected a snide remark of rejection, but his face was serious and his hand was outstretched. You placed your fingers into his palm and stood from your seat, still staring at him in surprise. He led you to the center of the room, at the edge of the group of dancers. If it hadn't been a slow song, you were sure he would have reacted differently. </p><p> </p><p>His fingers found your waist and he pulled you closer. You couldn't wipe the pleased smile off your lips as you settled your hand against his shoulder. The song was sweet and slow, though you couldn't focus enough on the lyrics to decipher the meaning. The moment was far too intoxicating for logical thinking. He smelled like cologne and mint. His hair was soft against your cheek. His frame, wide and familiar, was pressed against you like it had been many times before. </p><p> </p><p>"I've never heard this song," you spoke lowly. His cheek was beside yours and every once in a while his jaw lightly bumped into you as you swayed. You weren't sure if anyone was watching, but if they were they would assume there was a tale of great love between you. Maybe they were right. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo chuckled and you could feel his breath on the tip of your ear. "Don't make me feel old."</p><p> </p><p>"Is it an old song?" </p><p> </p><p>"Yes," he replied. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't care about the song. Whether it was released forty years ago or yesterday, it didn't matter. Your hand was wrapped in his and his skin felt like home. </p><p> </p><p>"You look beautiful," he whispered. You giggled and pulled back to look at him. His eyes were soft and hopeful.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you. You look very handsome." He did. He always did. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo averted his eyes but you could have sworn you caught a splotch of pinkness on his cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>"Rey looks happy."</p><p> </p><p>You grinned. The newlyweds were on the other side of the dance floor, swaying slowly, whispering in each other's ear. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah. She does." </p><p> </p><p>He repositioned his arm from the side of your waist to the small of your back, where he tugged you closer. You leaned into him, allowing the side of your face to find his jaw and stay there. </p><p> </p><p>"Vicrul left CorTech," he said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>You frowned though he couldn't see you. "Why?"</p><p> </p><p>"Said he was tired of Snoke's control," he mumbled. There was a hint of sorrow and conflict in his tone.</p><p> </p><p>"And," you started, but paused. Now probably wasn't the time for conversation about Snoke, but you weren't sure there ever would be a good time. "Are you tired?"</p><p> </p><p>His answer took a long time. His fingers kept repositioning themselves over your back, like he was trying to find just the right way to hold onto you, but nothing was perfect enough. </p><p> </p><p>"Exhausted," he whispered. His breath brushed the side of your hair. "I've received some job offers."</p><p> </p><p>You paused your swaying, processing his words. "Do you think you'll take them?"</p><p> </p><p>"I pride myself on loyalty."</p><p> </p><p>"Maybe," you whispered, lips brushing the bone of his jaw. "Some loyalties cause more damage than good."</p><p> </p><p>He didn't reply. You weren't sure you expected him to. The song ended and another one started. It was more upbeat. The kind of melody he was supposed to spin you around to, but you both stayed there, swaying slowly, barely inches keeping you separate. </p><p> </p><p>"There's something I wanted to mention," he announced. </p><p> </p><p>"Hmm?" you hummed, reveling in the warmth of being pressed to him. "Go ahead," you pushed after a moment's silence.</p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath and you felt his lips meet the side of your head. His words came slowly. He whispered so quietly you barely caught them. But still, they were there.</p><p> </p><p>"I still do."</p><p> </p><p>It wasn't the actual three words, but you knew that was what it meant. He still loved you. You already knew. He had confessed it before. But butterflies swarmed in your stomach, your fingers tingled. Maybe a part of you believed that feeling had faded for him. </p><p> </p><p>You couldn't bring your lips to pour any reply. You pulled your hand from his and snaked it around his neck, while your other followed. Then you pulled him close. He pulled back, until your feet were no longer on the ground and your face was nestled in his hair. Seconds passed, though it felt like a lifetime that you were folded into his arms. He set you down eventually, most likely from the embarrassment of being in public. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo excused himself to get a drink, insisting that you go spend time with your friends and sister. You found Ivy again. Dancing seemed to exist somewhere out of time, songs passing by without any real sense of how many had played. The only evidence of your marathon was the soreness on the heels of your feet, and the sweat on the back of your neck.</p><p> </p><p>The dreaded moment of the night arrived. Rey was leaving. You knew she wasn't gone forever. A two week honeymoon in Prince Edward Island and then she'd be home again and you'd see her for biweekly coffee and weekend dinners like always. You cried anyways. She hugged you tightly before she stepped into the car and drove off. Ivy tried to comfort you. It wasn't that she was leaving. It was everything. </p><p> </p><p>She was finally happy. She was married to the right person. Things were okay after so many years of pain. You didn't have to carry this burden of guilt any longer. And now you couldn't help but want it for yourself. Loving and being loved. </p><p> </p><p>You hugged Rey's friends goodbye with teary eyes and goofy smiles. It was dark out already, the only lights the dim lanterns hanging on the edge of the tent. The air was silent other than the chirping of bugs and the music you kept playing lowly on the speakers. Ivy and you were the unofficial cleanup crew, apart from the staff of the country club. You carefully assorted the centerpieces, candle holders, and all the other items that weren't meant to be thrown away, into cardboard boxes. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stayed to help, though you assured him many times that he didn't need to. As you filled boxes, he carried them to the car Ivy had borrowed from her parents. He even helped the club staff fold and stack the chairs. </p><p> </p><p>"That's the last one," you said as you handed him another full box. He started for the parking lot again. He had abandoned his suit jacket long ago and the sleeves of his dress shirt were rolled up. You watched the muscles of his forearms flex. </p><p> </p><p>"So," Ivy said. Her heels were in her hand now, her purse in the other. "You need a ride?"</p><p> </p><p>You frowned. "Of course I do. You're just going home, aren't you?"</p><p> </p><p>She smirked. "Yes, but I wasn't sure if <em>you</em> were going home," she replied with a shrug. </p><p> </p><p>"Where else would I--" You paused when the realization hit you. "Oh god, V," you groaned. </p><p> </p><p>"You guys were all over each other."</p><p> </p><p>"We were dancing!"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah. All over each other."</p><p> </p><p>You rolled your eyes and Ivy glanced behind you before clearing her throat. You followed her gaze to see Kylo strolling back in your direction. There was a small smile pulling at her lips and you wanted to scold her for it, but he was already close enough to eavesdrop. </p><p> </p><p>"Thanks for staying back to help," Ivy said brightly, suspicious eyes on Kylo. </p><p> </p><p>"Of course," he said, sticking his hands in his pockets.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah. That was really nice," you added.</p><p> </p><p>"It was," Ivy reiterated, playful gaze flickering between the two of you. "Well, I'm gonna head out." She let out a sigh and took a large step towards the parking lot. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, well I'm--" You started to assure her that you were coming with. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you need a ride?" Kylo cut in. </p><p> </p><p>You blinked at him with wide conflicted eyes. Ivy turned to give you a told-you-so, open-mouth expression before she scurried towards her car. You let out a small chuckle. </p><p> </p><p>"If you don't mind."</p><p>-</p><p>The night air was cool, nipping at your bare legs. The first time you had ever walked to Kylo's car with him, he had walked in front of you. You had admired the wide expanse of his shoulders. You had felt giddy at the sight of his expensive car. Now, he walked beside you, and the only view that made you giddy was his hand pulling the passenger door open in a polite gesture. </p><p> </p><p>The maroon accents no longer seemed like some symbol of his wealth. You just thought it must be his favorite color, other than black of course. The smell of leather didn't feel luxurious. It just smelled like him. </p><p> </p><p>You watched his hands as they moved the gearshift and tightened around the wheel. His knuckles stuck out, the tendons in his hands shifted. Then you realized why they looked different. His ring, the black one accompanied by a red stripe, was gone. </p><p> </p><p>Your lavender bridesmaid dress was starting to feel itchy. The seam on the side was rubbing your rib and irritating your skin. You scratched at it. Your hair was pinned up but the bobby pins were digging into your scalp now. You began to pluck them out one by one, and laid them in your lap as you went. Kylo glanced over a couple times but you kept your eyes on the dark road in front of you. Once your hair was free, you ran your fingers along your scalp, soothing the burn of irritation.</p><p> </p><p>"I wouldn't erase it," you blurted, gathering the bobby pins into a neat pile on your thigh. </p><p> </p><p>He didn't ask for you to specify. He knew what you meant. "Me either."</p><p> </p><p>"Do you miss life...before?"</p><p> </p><p>His jaw shifted. By the steadiness of his chest, you knew he was holding his breath. "I don't think what I was doing before counted as life."</p><p> </p><p>You nodded. You wished you could smile, but the weight of the past hung too heavy in the air.</p><p> </p><p>"I kind of feel like that too."</p><p> </p><p>There was silence. The streetlights poured a yellow glow through the windows, their light flashing, breaking up the dark. You felt especially aware of where the hem of your dress was scratching at your thighs. Your hair was tickling your neck, making it itch. Your feet were still sore. Your legs felt stuck to the warmed leather beneath you. Your eyes were dry from a full day of being outdoors. Everything felt noticeably imperfect. </p><p> </p><p>You could tell he was going to speak before he did. Sometimes Kylo seemed to suck up all the energy of a space just to say whatever words were struggling to escape his mind. </p><p> </p><p>"You could come back to my place," he said lowly, eyes locked on the road ahead. "If you want."</p><p> </p><p>Life never seemed to cater to what you wanted. This long, windy road with Kylo didn't either. The list of things you didn't know far outweighed the list of certainties you held. </p><p> </p><p>The person you were six months ago felt foreign. The person Kylo was six months ago did too. He had caused you pain, that much was true. But life without pain wouldn't make sense, and like without Kylo wouldn't either. </p><p> </p><p>Not knowing used to hurt. It kept you up at night to wonder when you might lose him. Now you already had, and here he was offering something more. Permanency no longer felt desirous. Right now, you knew what you felt. Butterflies when he touched you. Warmth when he said your name. Affection every time he smiled. You wanted him for tonight. Maybe, tomorrow you'd wake up and realize things were a mess. Maybe, tonight would be the last night you'd ever see him. Maybe, tomorrow you'd get breakfast, and then again every day after that. Maybe, in years you would look back at this moment and laugh because you didn't know him at all anymore. Maybe, you'd laugh because he was beside you and you knew him more than you knew yourself. </p><p> </p><p>But it wasn't years from now. It was tonight, and it was dark out, and the weight in your heart just wanted <em>him</em>. </p><p> </p><p>"Why don't we go to the Cape Cod house?" you asked quietly. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo did a double take and his shoulders straightened. "You want that?" he asked. There was far too much surprise in his voice. You wondered how in the world he could still not understand how much of your heart was owned by him. </p><p> </p><p>"Weekends with you?" You stared out the window at the houses lining the street. You wondered how many of those people had ever been this in love. You wondered if they still were. You wondered how long you would be. "Yes."</p><p> </p><p>You heard the ticking of the turn signal, and the Porsche shifted into the left lane to turn around. </p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0041"><h2>41. So This Is How It Ends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(TWO CHAPTERS HAVE BEEN POSTED AT THE SAME TIME. PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU HAVE READ THE PREVIOUS ONE!)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Christmas Eve, the following year.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Rey and Sophie's house looked as it did every year for the party--covered in garland and lights. Sophie's homemade desserts covered the table, rows of cookies and brownies, a cake shaped like a snowflake. </p><p> </p><p>You leaned against the back of the couch, eggnog in hand, while Rey sat beside you with her legs thrown over yours. </p><p> </p><p>"You look tired," she said, her head pressed to the back cushion. Her hair was even shorter now.</p><p> </p><p>"What's with you and cardigans lately?" you deferred her comment. You had been up all night writing, which you knew she would scold you about. "You're turning into an old lady."</p><p> </p><p>Rey chuckled and rolled her eyes, but the peaceful smile on her lips didn't fade. "Soon you'll realize that there's nothing bad about getting older. It's actually kind of nice."</p><p> </p><p>"That's just what old people say."</p><p> </p><p>She laughed and you laughed too. The truth was that she was older but so were you. You didn't mind that time was passing. If time didn't pass, there were so many things that wouldn't have happened. And you quite liked things happening. How boring this all would be if they didn't. </p><p> </p><p>Games hadn't begun yet but you were already slightly drunk. You were trying not to think about the fact that you were at the party alone with a heart that was longing for someone who wasn't here. </p><p> </p><p>"You miss him?" Rey seemed to read your mind. Her brows were turned down with sympathy. You wished she wouldn't look at you like that. It only made you want to cry.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes. He just really loves this party. It doesn't seem right without him now," you mumbled. Your eyes stung. No. No crying on Christmas Eve. </p><p> </p><p>"How long has it been now?" </p><p> </p><p>"A month," you answered with a small sigh. </p><p> </p><p>"He likes New York though?"</p><p> </p><p>You couldn't help but smile. "He loves it."</p><p> </p><p>Every night when you finally got to hear his voice through the phone, you could sense how glad he was to be in the city he loved. You visited often, sometimes for weeks at a time, but the last month had been hectic with the release of a new book. Somehow thirty days had slipped away before you even knew it, and Kylo had broken the news only yesterday that he would be stuck in the city over Christmas Eve. He was supposed to leave this morning and make it just in time for the party, but there was unexpected snow mixed with the responsibility of a work crisis. You tried to be understanding. Though he had been with the company for almost a year, his job still felt somewhat new, and he wanted to seem committed. At least it wasn't CorTech. At least it wasn't Snoke that was making him work on the night before Christmas. He promised he'd be here in the morning, so you could still spend Christmas together. You believed him. By now, he had proved to keep his promises. </p><p> </p><p>You forced yourself to be social, working your way around the room to speak to the friends you considered family. Everyone mentioned Kylo and how different the party was without him. It was true. His presence was always captivating and everyone seemed to adore him even more than when you had first brought him here two years ago. The mention of his name still made your smile falter. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo had lived in New York for a year, ever since he took the new job. You weren't ready to leave Boston yet. You liked being here with Rey and Ivy, not to mention your publisher that was excited to pump out more books. So you chose to live in both places, only for now, while you wrote and released your new book and got used to the idea of living away from your only family. It didn't bother you much to be constantly going between the states. You liked both cities and the people in them. Besides, you could still write in New York so your work was never in much harm.  The New York apartment was nice. Maybe even nicer than the Boston one. Kylo branched out to make it a bit brighter. He let you pick out the artwork for the walls and the pillows for the couch. He liked choosing the furniture and paint colors, and you didn't mind him doing so. As long as he was there, it would be perfect to you. </p><p> </p><p>"Your phone just dinged," Ellie mumbled in your ear. You frowned, snapping out of your reverie to pull it from your pocket. </p><p> </p><p>Ivy had texted you. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>merry almost christmas! i'm sorry your man couldn't make it to the party. if it makes you feel better, Finn is hitting it off with my dad and it's kind of the most annoying thing ever. ily a lot</em>
</p><p> </p><p>You grinned at the screen and quickly shot back a reply. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Of course your dad likes Finn, he's a good guy and he worships you. It's alright, I'll see Kylo tomorrow. Merry Christmas babe &lt;3</em>
</p><p> </p><p>As soon as your thumb met the send button a new message appeared, but not from Ivy. The name on the screen made you smile, but the contents of the text made your stomach drop. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Come outside. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>An immediate second text. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>What kind of company would make their employees work on Christmas Eve?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Your jaw fell open. Ellie giggled. "Go on," she urged. </p><p> </p><p>"You knew?" you whispered, already starting for the door. </p><p> </p><p>"Everyone knows!" she called as you crossed the room. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't bother to grab a coat, not when he was here. The air was freezing, stale and frigid, so much so that it pulled the breath from your lungs. </p><p> </p><p>He was at the bottom of the porch stairs in his favorite black sweater and jeans. His hair was long again, your favorite length, though you never told him that. And he was smiling like he was proud of himself for managing to surprise you. </p><p> </p><p>You were down the stairs and in his arms within seconds. He smelled so familiar, so leathery and strong. You buried your face into his neck while his arms squeezed tightly around your waist. He held you so close your toes left the ground. His neck was warm against your cheek. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi." His voice rumbled through his throat and vibrated against your face. </p><p> </p><p>"That was mean," you mumbled into his skin. "I was so sad you weren't going to be here."</p><p> </p><p>"But aren't you happy now?" His lips found your neck and he scattered messy kisses against it. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes," you replied with a thick throat. You tried to remind yourself not to cry, though there was no reason you shouldn't. </p><p> </p><p>"I missed you, mea vita."</p><p> </p><p>Mea vita was Kylo's favorite name for you. When he first started using it, he refused to tell you what it meant. You refrained from googling it in an attempt to respect his want for discretion. At some point you caved and looked it up. Latin. Translated to "my life." You never told him you knew what it meant, but you figured he knew. </p><p> </p><p>"I missed you too," your voice cracked, and you held back a sob as your eyes filled with warm tears. </p><p> </p><p>"Don't cry."</p><p> </p><p>You chuckled. "I'm not." </p><p> </p><p>His grip on you loosened, and he pulled his face away. His nose was pink from the cold. His hazel irises seemed darker in the dim light. He looked exactly how he always had, with his collection of freckles and strong features. His brow was softer now. Lately you had noticed that it never frowned as often as it used to. </p><p> </p><p>His mouth met yours and you sighed against him. His lips were plush and still warm. They tasted like mint and affection. A month's worth of 'I missed you' passed between your mouths. His tongue brushing over your bottom lip seemed to say 'I'm here now'. Your smirk seemed to whisper back 'I know.'</p><p> </p><p>When he pulled away, you reached up to meet his lips once more. Their corners pulled upwards into a pleased smile and his hand found yours as you headed for the front door. </p><p> </p><p>The air inside the house was so warm it burned your cool cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>That first time you had brought Kylo into this party, his entrance had gone unnoticed. This year was different. Ellie met your eye across the room and gave you a wide smile. A few other friends did the same, a couple even waving at him. Sophie was scurrying over immediately, pulling him into an enthusiastic hug. </p><p> </p><p>"Look who showed up!" she squealed. "Were you surprised?" You nodded, cheeks almost aching from the size of your smile. "It was so hard not to tell you."</p><p> </p><p>Rey snuck up behind her and offered Kylo a brief, slightly awkward hug. It was better than a handshake, at least. "Hey, Kylo. Glad you're here. 'She cry?"</p><p> </p><p>He glanced down at you, a smirk tugging at his lips. "Only a little."</p><p> </p><p>Eggnog was poured and conversations were had. Everyone asked him about New York and you watched his eyes light up as he talked about the city. A few times he rambled about his new job, how his position as a director was a lot of responsibility but not nearly as grueling as VP. He seemed relaxed, one hand in his pocket, the other around you. </p><p> </p><p>Games came along and this time you managed to score a spot on the sofa. It was a bit cramped, and Kylo felt bad about taking up too much room, so he opted to sit on the floor in front of your feet. He leaned his head against your knees, and you occasionally ran your fingers through his hair. </p><p> </p><p>He only volunteered for charades once. His card was 'stock market' and he kept pointing to himself which made you laugh wildly when you discovered the answer. He kept laughing. A funny card would be acted out, a drink would be spilled, a joke told, and he would laugh until his dimples seemed permanent. It made you want to cry a bit every time you spotted the corner of his smile from your angle sitting behind him. </p><p> </p><p>You used to try to imagine him like this--comfortable and happy--and now it was real. The gift exchange came around and the two of you participated as one team. He said he didn't want to play separately, too much pressure to make decisions. You were pretty sure he just didn't want the attention. This year you ended up with Snoop Dog's cookbook. You laughed and announced that it would come in handy seeing as neither you or Kylo excelled at cooking. Kylo just thought it was funny that Snoop Dog had a cookbook at all. </p><p> </p><p>Guests eventually began to file out the door. They left behind hugs and gifts, only this time Kylo received handshakes and warm goodbyes too. Sometimes he seemed a little stunned when someone wrapped their arms around him and wished him a Merry Christmas. It made you giggle. Later, it would make you cry.</p><p> </p><p>Hazel had just stepped away when you felt his arms encircle your waist and tug you backwards. </p><p> </p><p>"When we get home..." he mumbled quietly into your ear. Shivers tingled through your spine and under your skin. He didn't even have to finish that sentence. </p><p>-</p><p>-</p><p>You tried to ask him more about New York on the car ride home, but the pent up desperation of a month without him was gnawing at your gut. His words seemed meaningless compared to the image replaying in your mind. You tried convincing him to pull over and relieve you of the anticipation but he only chuckled and scolded you for being impatient. </p><p> </p><p>As soon as the apartment door was open, you were unzipping your jeans and peeling off your sweater. Kylo looked amused as he copied your actions, large fingers undoing the buckle of his belt. You scampered to the bedroom without a glance over your shoulder, and settled yourself onto the mattress to wait with shaking fingers. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stepped through the door in only his briefs, his wide sturdy chest fully on display in the dim light. You squirmed against the sheets as he approached you. His eyes were reveling in the sight of your nearly bare body, and his fingers skimmed over your thigh as he stayed planted next to the bed, basking in your nakedness. </p><p> </p><p>"I missed you," you whispered, wanting to snap him from his reverie. You appreciated his lustful gaze, but after a month of only ever being able to half satisfy yourself, you wanted less looking and more doing. </p><p> </p><p>"Mhmm," he hummed. His eyes were on your tits now, following the pattern of lace hiding your cleavage. "Take that off."</p><p> </p><p>You gulped and slipped your hand behind yourself to thumb at the clasp, shimmying the hooks till they popped free. You hooked your fingers through the straps and tugged them down your arms and onto the floor. Kylo's chest rose in a short, satisfied breath. His stare was skimming over your bare breasts, committing them to memory, watching your chest move with stuttered breathing. </p><p> </p><p>"Panties too," he said lowly. </p><p> </p><p>The bulge in his briefs was already apparent as you slipped your thumbs beneath the hem and pulled the fabric towards your legs. Your panties skimmed over your thighs and shins until you slipped them over your feet and onto the floor where you bra was already piled. You watched his Adam's apple move as his eyes took in the sight of your exposed cunt, the slickness that was starting to spot your inner thighs. </p><p> </p><p>He moved to kneel on the bed, right between your legs, eyes still trained on your core. "Kylo," you whispered. He ignored your beckoning and leaned forward, letting his stomach meet the mattress as his hands pressed to the outside of your thighs. His touch was soft but demanding as he forced your calfs to rest on his shoulder blades. "Kylo," you whispered again. </p><p> </p><p>His lips replied by meeting the tender flesh on the inside of your thigh. You squirmed and threaded your fingers through his hair, a low whimper forming in your throat. </p><p> </p><p>"You have stubble," you commented, moving one hand to brush over his cheek. You hadn't noticed it before, or maybe you had. Only now, as it scratched over your skin, was it relevant. He nodded and dragged the prickly surface of his chin over your thigh. You giggled and pushed at his head lightly, urging him away. "It tickles."</p><p> </p><p>"And this--" he mumbled. His tongue slid through your folds, exploring the space he already knew so well. The tip teased at your entrance before it moved to stroke over your clit. "Does that tickle too?"</p><p> </p><p>No reply could find release on your lips other than a pleading whimper and a sharp intake of air. Your fingers tugged at his soft strands, begging for him to continue and he obliged, massaging your core with his mouth. His eyes were on you, watching you pant and plead above him. His fingertips were gripping at the flesh of your thighs now, claiming how much they had missed your skin.</p><p> </p><p>His lips were pressed around your bud, sucking and stroking the nerves with his tongue. Your hips bucked into him as you jolted and mewled, the warmth in your core expanding and consuming your senses. </p><p> </p><p>"Wait." You tugged at his hair, fingers shaking, joints struggling to still. "I'd rather come with you," you breathed. </p><p> </p><p>He stroked through your folds one last time before he pulled away and sat up. You sat up too, fingers immediately finding the top of his briefs and tugging them down. He assisted you in ridding himself of the fabric, but you barely noticed any of his movements now that his cock was free. Long and thick and pink, just like every time you had seen it before. Saliva gathered on your tongue as you took it into your hands and stroked over the veins that lined him. He was watching you with a parted mouth, stern eyes. Your lips found the thickest part of his shaft and you pressed a wet kiss to the skin. His jaw was set and it only grew more tense as you trailed more teasing kisses across his length. Fingers slid over the back of your neck and gently squeezed, an attempt at a polite demand to cease the torture. You moved to kiss his head before you took it in your mouth and lightly sucked at the softness. A low, relieved moan left his throat and you pushed yourself further, taking in all that you could. You hadn't forgotten how big he was, but your jaw had, and it ached with the intrusion. His thumb rubbed over the side of your neck as you bobbed onto him. </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck, baby," he mumbled, head leaning back for a moment. Tears were welling in your eyes as he continued to scrape the back of your throat. You hummed around him, satisfied with his low moans.</p><p> </p><p>"Enough," he groaned, though it was riddled with satisfaction and conflict. He pulled at the back of your neck, urging you off of him and you obeyed. A few deep breaths calmed the irritation that had begun to itch at your lungs. "Come here."</p><p> </p><p>He moved to lean against the headboard, palms open at his side. A grin found it's way across your lips. "Really?" you asked, crawling to straddle his lap. </p><p> </p><p>"Really."</p><p> </p><p>Control wasn't something Kylo gave up very easily. It had happened before, but usually ended with him flipping you over and stealing back whatever leverage you had gained. Now, with his aureate irises and pouty lips, he seemed a bit more willing, more genuine. </p><p> </p><p>You found his lips first. His warmth was intoxicating and soothing, his tongue a silent assurance that he loved you more than he loved New York. Your movements were slow, but a layer of passion was still pulsing beneath the surface of your pace, begging for contact, begging for relief. </p><p> </p><p>You kept your mouth pressed to his as your fingers wrapped around his cock, holding it still as you positioned your core over it. Sinking onto him was heaven, a familiar stretching at your entrance. His thickness and length would never be taken by your cunt without recognition. </p><p> </p><p>He held your hips as you slowly pulsed and ground against him. This was your favorite part, finding your g-spot and making him watch patiently as you hit it again and again. His breath was stuttered and deep now, but his eyes remained on your face, watching the way your jaw hung open and your eyes screwed shut with pleasure. </p><p> </p><p>His cock filled you, every corner of your desperate pussy. You could feel his patience wavering in the form of a tight jaw and harsh fingers. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay," you surrendered, pressing your palms to his chest. </p><p> </p><p>"You can stay."</p><p> </p><p>You raised your eyebrows but his eyes were averted to your breasts. He leaned forward to peck at the flesh, tongue tracing your nipples. "Just go faster."</p><p> </p><p>"Just go faster, what?"</p><p> </p><p>He smirked and scratched at your tits with his jaw, leaving a red mark from the irritation of his stubble. </p><p> </p><p>"Just go faster, <em>please</em>," he said, though his voice was void of begging, only humor. </p><p> </p><p>You didn't have the tolerance to push him farther. You abandoned the grinding and moved to bounce up and down on him, sighing in relief as he pierced into your gut. Moans and curses were flowing from your mouth, begging for release. Kylo's eyes were slanted with heavy satisfaction, a month's worth of need now being fulfilled. </p><p> </p><p>Still you could tell he was refraining from taking control, which at this point you couldn't seem to want anymore. Your g-spot was being hit without cease and your peak was rising, pulsing at your walls. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm so close, please," you pleaded, fingers curling, nails digging at his chest. "Please just fuck me."</p><p> </p><p>His movements were quick--one moment you were on top of him the next you were pressed into the mattress, back against the cool sheets. He didn't stop, not a moment of hesitation or breath. His cock was in you again, filling the space of your cunt, massaging your nerves and pouring pleasure through your core. </p><p> </p><p>Your orgasm hit you without warning, an overflow of warmth invading your core, soothing your legs, and making your torso jolt and writhe. You clenched around him, legs trembling and twitching. Your vision was white and splintered and you felt lips against your face, comforting you through the aftershocks. </p><p> </p><p>He was holding on, resisting his own relief, but you didn't mind. If he wanted to savor it, you would let him. He could take all the time he needed. As far as you were concerned, you had all the time in the world. </p><p> </p><p>Through the post-orgasm haze, you spread your fingers over his chest, savoring the slope of his muscles. You watched his face carefully. His lips were panting and parted, his brow slightly scrunched with satisfaction, and his eyes were heavy but staring right back. You gave him a small, sleepy smile and he responded by pressing his lips to yours, humming when you slipped your tongue into his mouth. </p><p> </p><p>"I missed daddy," you whispered into his lips. </p><p> </p><p>That must have been his breaking point, because his moans filled your ears as he twitched within your walls. The warmth of his cum coated your core, and his thrusts slowed to a halt. </p><p> </p><p>His face found sanctuary in the crook of your neck, and you cradled the sides of his head, massaging your fingertips through his hair until his breathing returned to normal. </p><p>-</p><p>Your usual nighttime routine was trimmed to the barest necessities. You were both exhausted and more interested in sleep than flossing. Kylo was still brushing his teeth when you slipped into your favorite purple nightgown and buried yourself beneath the thick layers of covers. </p><p> </p><p>You pulled your laptop from where you kept it in the nightstand drawer. <em>The Arrangement</em> was never published. The contents of the book didn't seem to make sense anymore. You were angry and heartbroken when you had wrote it. And then Kylo was there, bringing you dinner and extending his help with no expectation of reward. After the wedding, everything changed--you were going on real dates and spending the night without expecting a paycheck. At that point the book didn't seem to have much purpose at all. Kylo still thought you should publish it, just because you had taken the time to write it. You disagreed. This story was just for you. And him. </p><p> </p><p>The ending had always seemed uncertain in the beginning. It took a while to accept that it was real. You hated that the book was sitting there in your drafts, unfinished and neglected, but you always worried you'd write the ending and it'd change. Tonight you felt sure. </p><p> </p><p>The mattress shifted and you clicked the brightness button to dim the screen as Kylo flicked off the lamp. </p><p> </p><p>"What are you doing?" he asked, voice thick with sleepiness. </p><p> </p><p>"I was gonna write the end of <em>The Arrangement</em>, so it will stop haunting me."</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled as he got comfortable under the sheets. "Big deal, then?"</p><p> </p><p>"I guess so. If it keeps you up I'll wait until the morning."</p><p> </p><p>You teetered as he shifted closer to you. One arm settled next to your hip as the other lifted your laptop and set it atop of his now empty pillow. He settled his head into your lap, his wild mess of curls laying limp against your stomach. </p><p> </p><p>"Doesn't bother me," he mumbled. His voice vibrated through your legs and you grinned. </p><p> </p><p>You couldn't help but lean forward to kiss his cheek, the curve of his cheekbones, splattered with freckles. He hummed and turned to allow you access to his lips. They were warm and minty from his toothpaste. </p><p> </p><p>"Goodnight," you whispered against his mouth. </p><p> </p><p>"Merry Christmas."</p><p> </p><p>You brushed your nose against his. "Merry Christmas."</p><p> </p><p>You pulled his pillow closer, situating your laptop so that you could reach it. The angle made the side of your back strain, and one arm felt more flexed than the other, but it was worth it to let him doze off in your lap. </p><p> </p><p>You began to write the end. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Chapter 41: So This is How It Ends</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don't know who will be reading this, as I've made the decision to not publish it. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's Ben. I guess if that's the extensive list of possible readers, I will be free to call him Kylo. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Kylo is different than when I first met him. He doesn't smoke so often, though from time to time we both indulge in a late night cigarette for old time sakes. He still loves work and allows it to consume most of his time. I don't mind it so much since I do the same. The times when we're not glued to our laptops we're glued to each other. I think that's how it should be. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He calls his mom. The Kylo I first knew would have never even said her name. We even had dinner with his parents once. It was strange to hear them call him Ben, but he didn't correct them. A part of me thinks he liked being reminded that he's still that innocent little boy, pure and sweet and unharmed. I don't think, however, that he will ever want me to call him Ben, but if he asked me to I would. If it would help him hurt less. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>CorTech is a forbidden word, as is the name of Snoke. When the time comes where we must refer to those that must not be named, we refer to it as hell and the devil. The humor of it makes it a little less tense. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I wish I could tell you that everything is easy. I wish I could say that Kylo is able to share his feelings openly, without regret or shame. That's simply not true. He struggles. I could count the times I've heard him say the words 'I love you' on one hand. He says it in other ways. His favorite is nudging my nose with his. I don't know when that started, but it hasn't stopped and I hope it never does. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I don't ever doubt whether Kylo is tired of me. If there's one thing that Kylo Ren is, it's loyal. He would bloody his knuckles for me any day. He would give up his fortune, his reputation, his comfort, for me. I can tell in the little ways. Like how when he can't get past those barriers in his mind, and he can tell I get a little disappointed, not angry, just bummed, he buries his face in my neck and mumbles, "It's not you." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>That's how I know he loves me. When my feet are cold and he moves so that he's partly sitting on them, blocking them from the cold air. When his fingers trace my spine at night and his lips find the pulse of my neck. When Rey broke her wrist three months ago and he paid the medical bills without telling anyone. When he got a security system for the apartment because he was leaving for New York and knew I would be staying here alone. When his shower was suddenly stocked with a loofah and fancy soaps and scrubs. When the piece of 80 pound cardstock, scribbled with our handwriting, appeared on the fridge. When he painted the walls of the apartment a lighter grey so it wouldn't be so dark when I was alone here. When my phone rings every evening, the promise of his sleepy voice on the other end, wishing me goodnight. That's how I know. </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>And that's how I feel okay with writing the ending at this moment. Because I know things will be hard at times and we will have a million up and downs like we always have, but no part of me has to question whether he will want me forever. I already know he does. He's planned me into every corner of his life. He loves New York. As soon as I feel comfortable about my current book-- a tale of a young girl's struggle with sexuality in a homophobic household, the story of my sister-- being out in the world and exposed, I will move there too, permanently this time, and continue my writing. He will probably sell the Boston apartment at that point, but he says he'll never let go of the Cape Cod house. I like to imagine that we'll come back every weekend in the summers to invite Rey and Sophie for beach getaways. He says that at some point, in the far future, the business world will be too much for him, and he might want to retire to teaching. I like to tease him about how sexy he would be at the front of a class room. That would mean Harvard, which would mean Boston again. When he told me about this plan he said, "Then you could be near Rey again." He was planning his life, ten or fifteen years in the future, and he was planning it with me in mind.</em> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Speaking of the future, Kylo found a gray hair the other day. He instantly plucked it out and complained. I laughed and told him to leave it. I said I liked the idea of him being a silver fox. The truth is I can't wait to watch his hair turn gray and the wrinkles next to his eyes grow deeper. There was a point in time when I thought I would only have Kylo Ren for a couple of months. Then I thought I wouldn't have him at all. Now I get him for a lifetime. I don't know what I did to deserve the pleasure of loving him and being loved by him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I guess I just got lucky. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>THE END</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I just want to say I am so, so grateful for how much support and kindness I received in this process. I had no idea that I could write something this long, and I seriously loved it. I didn't even know I liked writing until I wrote this. I will forever be grateful that this showed me a new passion. </p><p>I never expected people to actually read this. When I first started I remember wondering if anyone would be able to tolerate my writing. Now, I have received so many kind comments about it and I have appreciated them so much. My love for you is insane. </p><p>I want to write another full fic, but I'm not sure how soon that will happen. If you want to keep up with me:<br/>tiktok: adamsrat<br/>twitter: chrliewhore<br/>wattpad: bluedelilah<br/>feel free to message me anytime! </p><p>Thank you from the bottom of my heart. </p><p>--deli &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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